Rooting for Lebron

by

Danny Schwartz

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MP00 Sports

May 29, 2012


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If there is one thing America hates, it’s a bitch. America loves the alpha male. For example, when the Miami Heat were down 2-0 in the 2006 NBA Finals, Dwyane Wade put the team on his back and scored 40 points a game the rest of the series to give the Heat the title. That was a classic American performance.

So in 2010, when reigning league MVP Lebron James announced he would be leaving his hometown Cleveland Cavaliers to join the Heat, America gagged. The Heat were already Wade’s team. His decision confirmed the mindset behind his inclination to pass the ball at critical junctures in the 2010 playoffs, rather than shoot. After the Decision, Lebron might as well have tattooed ‘I’m a huge bitch’ on his forehead.

After Lebron announced his Decision at the end of an hour-long ESPN special filmed in Greenwich CT, he joined his new teammates for an 11-month premature title celebration. It was so, so arrogant. But America is down with arrogance. 90% of golf fans root for Tiger Woods to win that elusive major championship, including myself. His text conversations with porn stars told us that he is one of the most prolific douchebags of our time, but also that he sure as hell wasn’t a bitch. At any rate, we want him to succeed. America turned on Lebron because he joined the wrong team. If he went the Knicks, everyone would have forgotten the excessive fanfare because his new team would be his team.

There’s only one person America hates more than Lebron, and thats Justin Bieber, who is Canadian. thus making Lebron the most widely-hated American today. I know this because of the YouTube top comment system, where one person writes the comment, and everyone else gives it a thumbs up. Upvoting: the democracy of the internet. There are only two public figures who get a steady dose of shit: Bieber and Lebron, those high-profile perceived bitches. Bieber as a symbol of bad music and the female gender: Lebron for his passive tendencies in important situations, and for his receding hairline, which for anyone else would be considered below the belt. But not for Lebron.

I only became a Lebron fan after he moved to the Heat, and it was a conscious decision. Right now he is my favorite athlete, by far. He’s all I got. The Seahawks and Mariners are mediocre, and the Sonics have long since mutated into the Oklahoma City Thunder (for which I explain my consequent depression here). The relocation of the Sonics roughly coincided with Lebron’s relocation to Miami, and as the Thunder become more dominant, more chic, more distant from their past in Seattle, so my affection for Lebron grows, and now in the Eastern Conference Finals it is reaching a fever pitch. If I had the choice between a night with Kate Upton and Lebron getting a championship, I’d take Lebron in a heartbeat.

I want Lebron to succeed on a personal level. Despite all that crap he pulled in the weeks before, during, and after the Decision, he seems like an okay dude who means well, and it irks me to see an okay dude get burned so insistently. He’s like an ant under a magnifying glass on a sunny day. I like his ugly mouthguard. I like the nerdy Nation of Islam casual wear he rocks after games. I like that he organized this powerful Heat tribute to Trayvon Martin. Kobe wouldn’t have done that.

I want Lebron to succeed on a basketball level. He just put together one of the finest seasons in the history in the league, and yet it won’t mean much if he doesn’t come away with a ring. History tends to be written in terms of winners and losers, and I don’t want Lebron to be a loser.

Most importantly, I want Lebron to crush the perception that he’s a bitch. As if he didn’t seem like a big enough bitch after the whole Celtics/Decision debacle, he was passive again in the 2011 Finals, when Dirk put the Mavericks on his back to give them the title. And then he dominated this year’s All-Star Game with 36 points, including 6-8 from beyond the arc, but in the dying seconds with his team down 151-149, and Kobe (playing for the other team) telling him to “shoot the fucking ball”, he chose to pass, and his pass was intercepted. Game over. That bothered me. He couldn’t even man up in the All-Star Game.

Lebron has earned some of America’s begrudging respect back with his phenomenal regular season and the 40-18-9 he put up in a must-win playoff game at Indiana. But the animosity lingers.  Two years ago, Lebron joined the Heat because he wanted to have championships rather than earn them. This so violated America’s principles of hard work and upward mobility that it could never forgive him. America still wants Lebron to fail.

The matchup isn’t set, but the NBA Finals will surely put the Heat against the San Antonio Spurs, who have yet to lose a playoff game and haven’t lost in six weeks. Some are calling the Spurs the best team ever. On the other side, the Heat are a .500 team at best if you remove Lebron from the equation. He has been putting the Heat on his back all season and all through the first two rounds of the playoffs. The Heat’s roster is razor-thin, especially with Chris Bosh injured indefinitely, and the Spurs’ is as deep and experienced as they come.

The Spurs are going to win, barring a Herculean performance by Lebron. It will be the end of the season, and his body won’t be 100%. If the Heat somehow win the title, Lebron won’t have just earned it — he will have taken it. If he can repress his throbbing urge to pass the ball in crunchtime and just drive to the hole, and if that shot goes in, he will have succeeded as a person, a basketball player, and as an American. If it misses, at least he leaves nothing of his determination to our imagination.

5 Epic Guitar Solos

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Music

May 06, 2012


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Rocking out is universal because it’s all about unleashing the inner beast. Volume is critical; it’s more satisfying to yell ‘fuck you’ then mutter it under your breath. As such, we ought to thank the dude who invented the guitar amp for giving the world the gift of rocking out. It’s easy, all you gotta do is grab your guitar and crank up the volume. That said, the best rockers combine the power of the amp with an sensuous, artistic temperament. Here are a few such examples:

John Mayer – Gravity

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ys629ROKYtI

For the longest time, John Mayer was content to sit back and put out cotton candy bullshit like ‘Your Body is a Wonderland’. Then out of nowhere he released ‘Try’ in 2005 and showed the world that he could rock hard, and more importantly, play blues guitar like no one since Stevie Ray Vaughan. Seriously — each solo sounds like a catalogue of Stevie Ray Vaughan licks. It sounds great, but its not authentic Mayer. Gravity is the exception. It embodies the best aspects of his two styles — his blues shreddage side and his corny sensitive chick magnet side. Here he keeps the corny lyrics to a minimum and lets his guitar do the talking for his soft side. Only then does he unleash the full wrath of the gods of rock. This solo doesn’t sound like Stevie Ray Vaughan — it sounds like John Mayer.

Bruce Springsteen – Because the Night

Bruce Springsteen isn’t the best guitarist in his own band (Nils Lofgren is), and it doesn’t matter because the man is simply raw. He pours his complete soul into every syllable and every note. I have a DVD of a 2005 concert in Barcelona — within 15 minutes he is drenched in sweat. He shows you that you don’t need great technique to rock hard. He doesn’t just champion the everyman in his lyrics — he plays guitar like the everyman. He makes me wish I was from Jersey. Bruce is a fucking force of nature, and that’s the only thing that can explain how 40 years later, he is rocking harder than ever.

Guthrie Govan – Waves

Props to Samson Koelle for showing me the light that is GOVAN. For the record this solo is improvised. At first, Waves sounds a lot like that Guitar Hero song Through the Fire and Flames, but I’ve heard that that solo is actually performed on keyboard. And even if it were played on guitar, it wouldn’t hold a candle to Waves. Govan doesn’t even need a snazzy song name to do the talking for him. And as evident at the beginning of this video, you don’t want him to do the talking either. He has no stage presence. He’s the opposite of Springsteen. He isn’t a performer — he is pure, uncut guitar cocaine.

Stanley Jordan – Stairway to Heaven

I’m not sure what Stanley Jordan is wearing, but he is playing two guitars at once. In the original Stairway to Heaven, Jimmy Page’s solo is the culmination of a 6-minute buildup, thus making the payoff that much greater. Jordan starts soloing after less than 4 minutes, and he doesn’t have the benefit of Robert Plant’s backup vocals, and he pretty much just plays the Page solo verbatim, in a jazzier, less exciting manner. But — he is playing two guitars at once.

John Legend and The Roots – I Can’t Write Left Handed

First of all, fuck Vevo. Second of all, this is probably one of the better songs ever written, and Kirk Douglas’ solo derives its dopeness from its context as much as its own merit. John Legend + The Roots + a BIll Withers song = automatic. They kill it. Literally. I doubt anyone could ever top this rendition of the song. by the time John Legend hands it off to Kirk, the song is gasping for air on the ground, all Kirk has to do is bring the hammer down to finish the job. And he brings the Hammer of Thor.

Hopefully this post has deepened your love of rocking out. If you want to share an epic solo, feel free to post it in the comments!