“Human life is but a series of footnotes to a vast obscure unfinished masterpiece” – Nabokov
Untold years ago, kids from the neighborhood would come together at Parks Department Field #2 to play ball. In those simpler times they were titans of the sandlot, kings and queens of their domain. They have long since dispersed into the wind like dust after a headfirst slide into second.
We tracked down 30+ original Backyard Baseball superstars and announcers to learn what has become of them since the old glory days. Here are their stories.
Ricky Johnson: International porn star. Porn alias: Richard Johnson. Came up as understudy to Brian Pumper before ascending to porn stardom with iconic role in Mr. Hands biopic. 7x AVN Winner.
Sidney Webber: Accidentally gets pregnant while studying abroad and gives birth to a half-Brazilian child named Gustavo. Sells illustrated kids’ cookbooks at town mall kiosk in Redmond, WA.
Ashley Webber: Moves to LA after high school with big dreams, initially toils as waitress. Hires the Kardashian’s go-to butt implant specialist and rebrands herself as Instagram model/belfie virtuoso/spokes-ass for Flat Tummy Tea. Attempted foray into rap derailed after she runs over Lil Pump’s dog with her G-Wagon while leaving her mixtape release party and Pump serves her a career-ending diss track.
Marky Dubois: Roadie for Willie Nelson, later switches to roadie for Imagine Dragons, who let him in to the band as the tambourine man. Band lands residency in Vegas, where he immediately becomes addicted to benzos. Hits rock bottom, scrapes himself off the floor, now makes a living playing tambourine along to the hottest pop songs on the Las Vegas strip.
Lisa Crockett: Elopes with Jorge Garcia during her Rumspringa. Bel-Air-based tantric sex swami, works to repair rich marriages on the fritz.
Ernie Steele: Barber for the stars. Notable clients: Steve Buscemi, Jax from Vanderpump Rules, Halsey, James van der Beek, and Stedman Graham. On a mission to bring back the Friar Tuck.
Kenny Kawaguchi: Made a fortune in buckwheat futures, then lost it all in a Ponzi scheme run by Vinnie the Gooch. (They still haven’t caught him.)
Vicki Kawaguchi: Vegas nightclub promoter who books Imagine Dragons through her old buddy Marky Dubois. Has seven cats at home: Sylvia, Meowiscal, Paulina, Mr. Clanky, Poncho, Dick Cheney, and Tits McGee. Dick Cheney is the most photogenic of the bunch. Earns six figures a year on the side as a pet influencer using the Instagram handle @dickcheneythecat.
Billy Jean Blackwood: Returns to her Cajun roots, becomes Mardi Gras queen, and starts a crawfish diner: Billy Jean’s Bayou Boil and Broil. The business fails after one year. In need of some quick cash, she starts a cock-fighting ring on her uncle’s farm, eventually serving a six-year prison sentence. Still lives in Shreveport, LA. Falls into deep depression after Kickstarter campaign to re-open her diner falls $24 short of goal.
Mikey Thomas: Successful D-3 college baseball career; slugs 24 home runs and voted conference Player of the Year during senior year at Randolph-Macon. Career in politics culminates with successful bid for mayor of Yuma, AZ. Makes national headlines when Yuma becomes first American city to legalize bestiality.
Jorge Garcia: Decades of marital bliss with high school sweetheart Lisa Crockett. Best-selling erotica author. His novel “The Land Of Milk and Honey” spends 34 weeks at the top of the New York Times chart and gets adapted into a film starring Nicolas Cage and Meryl Streep. Garcia brings on his old battery-mate Richard Johnson as love scene consultant.
Gretchen Hasselhoff: Barista at Bondi Beach cafe for years, returns stateside and scores a gig doing makeup for Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
Angela Delvecchio: Returns to the family business in South Carolina—Marlboro Meats—and expands the hot dog empire nationally. Becomes largest owner of hogs in North America. Partners with the MLB to be the sole purveyor of all-pork wieners in American baseball stadiums.
Tony Delvecchio: Has a falling out with his sister Angela and is fired from Marlboro Meats. Takes his passion for foods to the high seas and moves to Japan, where he becomes a high-end tuna fisherman supplying yellowtail tuna to Tokyo’s top sushi restaurants. Hunts via GPS and drone and locates a 950-lb tuna in the deep Pacific. While tracking it down, gets caught up in a typhoon which sinks his boat, “Mrs. Butterworth”. Perishes at the age of 28 doing what he loved.
Illustration by Oona Watkinsfirstname.lastname@example.org
Dante Robinson: Junior Top Chef finalist. His soufflé flops in the season finale, and he goes into self-imposed cooking exile for five years. Resurfaces years later on Tijuana street food scene flipping tacos al pastor by day and churros by night.
Keisha Phillips: Pioneers cricket-based protein bars and dog food. Purchases 40-acre plot outside of Peoria, Illinois to produce crickets to meet skyrocketing demand. Establishes a partnership with Angela Delvecchio and Marlboro Meats to offer the first cricket-based hot dog.
Reese Worthington: Develops yips while playing second base for high school JV team, hangs up his cleats after he he puts his manager in a coma during routine throw to first. Devastated, but eventually rediscovers passion for performance and fitness in college. Drag brunch superstar by day, cage dancer by night. J.K. Simmons’s personal trainer.
Maria Luna: Becomes obsessed with Seth Rogen while marine biology Ph.D candidate at UC Santa Barbara. Stalks Rogen for months until he files a restraining order. Moves to the Galapagos to study blue-footed boobies. Runs the massively popular Twitter account @SethRogenDaily.
Stephanie Morgan: Early advocate of crypto, developed a blockchain marketplace which she sold to Marc Cuban. Now lives on a ranch two hours west of Austin where she raises prize-winning peacocks, ostriches, and other flightless birds.
Luanne Lui: Moves to Vancouver, gets involved in competitive lumberjacking with a specialty in log rolling. Takes home the lumberjack triple crown by winning first place in the Vancouver Chop, Oslo Sweepstakes, and Quebec City Challenge. Loses her left arm below the elbow in a chainsaw accident in Bangor, ME, and is forced to retire in her prime.
Annie Frazier Dedicates her life to environmental activism following the death of her childhood best friend, her pet turtle Gladys. Moves to Everglades and adopts 250 gopher tortoises to save them from extinction.
Dmitri Petrovich: Flips his burgeoning My Little Pony passion into full-fledged career by becoming Director of BronyCon in Baltimore. After successful 15-year reign as the head honcho of BronyCon, retires from the Brony business and moves to Yuma, Arizona after childhood Dungeons and Dragons comrade Mikey Thomas is elected town mayor and legalizes bestiality.
Jocinda Smith: Four-year lacrosse all-American at Harvey Mudd. Flips PA gig on Ellen into full-time job as Howie Mandel’s personal assistant. Soon becomes disillusioned with the entertainment industry. Offered job as Bernie Brewer on the spot after Secretariat-like performance in the Milwaukee sausage race.
Sally Dobbs: Innovates on the family’s mortuary business and develops a spin-off called “Doggies Remembered,” an animal crematorium that fuses ashes of dearly departed pups with precious gems. Featured in Mortician Weekly’s “30 under 30” issue.
Ronny Dobbs: Big Pharma whistleblower. Dies in mysterious spelunking accident days before he’s set to testify against Cialis as a part of a Congressional investigation. Foul play suspected.
Sunny Day: Earns degree in broadcast journalism and covers bobsled, luge, and skeleton for NBC at Winter Olympics. Resigns in disgrace after an internet sleuth discovers her secret life as anti-vaxxer and flat-Earther who spends her free time railing against “sphere-cucks” in private Facebook groups.
Vinnie the Gooch: Flees the country after his massive Ponzi scheme discovered. Rumor has it he resides in a Cuban villa with Tupac and Assata Shakur. Mojito alchemist, engineer for Tupac’s bedroom studio sessions.
Illustration by Oona Watkinsemail@example.com
Barry Dejay: Broadway flameout. Bingo commentator in Akron, Ohio, Steve Kerr’s voice coach. Joins Nation of Islam during mid-life crisis and changes name to Bartholomew 14X.
Chuck Downfield: Successful day trader who frequently goes viral for his homemade Rube Goldberg machines. Chronic inability to convince a girl to date him despite his wealth, internet fame, and large penis leads him to strike up a romantic long-distance relationship with an incarcerated drug mule and ultimately star on the reality show “Love after Lockup.”
Achmed Khan: Elementary school music teacher who serves as the third in an open relationship with the mayor of Burlington, Vermont and her husband. Questions about provenance of the mayor’s child lead to special episode of Maury in which Achmed is declared the biological father. Currently penning a memoir detailing the seven-year relationship with the help of his ghostwriter, Jorge Garcia.
Amir Khan: Moves to Pittsburgh to pursue career in the sausage industry. Quickly abandons dreams after he falls in love with the heiress of the Heinz family. Now lives on an estate in Pennsylvania and spends his weekends in Iceland.
Pete Wheeler: While hiking the Appalachian Trail, meets the love of his life, moves to Cheyenne, WY, and becomes a renowned small-town tattoo artist known throughout Wyoming for his anime-inspired tattoos. Husband serves as Cheyenne comptroller and city councilman.
Kimmy Eckman: Suffers a suplex-induced spinal injury during backyard wrestling match. Remains avid professional wrestling fan despite being confined to a wheelchair, hosts the sport’s most popular podcast.
Pablo Sanchez: Gives up sports after developing crippling World of Warcraft addiction. Most of the neighborhood kids never see him again. After years of isolation in his bedroom, his old friend Dante Robinson invites him to come and WWOOF on the Baja Peninsula of Mexico. Contracts severe dysentery, hallucinates; goes on a vision quest and realizes that he’s wasted a decade of his life playing WOW and vows to never log on again. Backpacks around the world, somehow gets a job walking the royal family’s corgis in London. Starts a torrid love affair with Queen Elizabeth II. Gives the best peppermint oil foot massages, reads Jorge Garcia aloud to her in the tub. Quickly climbs the depth chart from third-tier side-piece to the apple of Elizabeth’s eye. They eventually go public with their affair. Time Magazine declares their relationship the Romance of the Century. ▩
Illustration by Oona Watkinsfirstname.lastname@example.org