NEWS ALERT: Mangoprism Goes Dormant

by

Mangoprism Editors

Season Published
MP000

May 25, 2024


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Hello friends,

Today Mangoprism is officially going on hiatus. 

We will pause the publication of new articles, and permanently halt all recurring payments that many of our generous readers have been making—in some cases for years now—to support our operation. We also will stop accepting pitches. 

As editors we unfortunately no longer have enough time to sustain our mission to be an oasis for emerging writers in a desolate media industry. 

My brother Daniel and I would like Mangoprism to return in the future, and have long talked about handing off responsibility to others. But to reimagine the publication will require a period of dormancy that allows us to slow down and assess if and how we can set it up to be successful and robust for the long haul.

The website will remain active, and the featured article on the homepage will range through the 100-plus pieces we have published over the years. 

My brother founded Mangoprism more than a decade ago as a blog, and a few years ago we decided to partner up to fashion it into a modest but proper institution. 

This meant drawing a revenue stream, paying contributors, redesigning our website, and seeking readers and writers and artists outside our immediate social circles—in some cases, continents away. We established season-long artist “residencies.” We had contributing editors. We released two print issues. 

Much of this was done with the help of our talented and wonderful-to-work-with friend and designer, Eric Rannestad. 

My brother and I have always run this site as volunteers. He stepped away last year, and it’s become clear that I can’t keep spending Sundays reading pitches, editing, and doing the administrative tasks it takes to manage this little operation well. 

The main thing I want to say, however, is thank you. Over the years you have read, contributed to, and financially backed this publication. We are honored by your support. 

Until next time,

Andrew Schwartz,

Editor, Mangoprism


Bagels, Cookies, Ice Cream, Potato Chips

After a childhood of poverty and abuse, growing up—and getting fed

by

Sandra Stevens

Season Published
MP811

May 21, 2024


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In 3rd grade, I once ate a dozen bagels in one sitting. They were cinnamon raisin, my favorite. I was full after eating just one, but I found comfort in the repetitive chewing, the wholesome texture in my mouth. From the ages of six to eight, I was sexually abused. I got even with my abuser by stealing coins and dollar bills from the pockets of his jackets and trousers. I would take the purloined money to the local Publix and buy something to coat the shame I was feeling, usually ice cream drumsticks and Klondike Bars. Bagels, cookies, ice cream and potato chips. Childhood abuse was my introduction to kummerspeck, that jaunty, German-coined term describing weight gained from emotional overeating.

My mother’s people came from Naples, Italy and Italian food was the only food my mother cooked well. My father didn’t like his wife making a big mess in the kitchen—for some reason, her marinara sauce always decorated the walls, floors, and cupboards before it was all over, so the two made a compromise: We had one big Italian meal on Sundays and the rest of the week would be Crock Pot fare. These Sunday dinners weren’t just meals to be consumed and forgotten about. They were daylong fêtes and an excuse to eschew responsibilities while imbibing wine like Roman emperors. My Aunt Margaret and my cousins Marianne and Diane would always come, never bringing anything with them. My cousins stole money from my dad and their mother stole from my mom. Once, Aunt Margie took a stack of S&H Green Stamps I had saved over a period of six months. When I begged my mom to get my stamps back, she said, “Honey, your aunt needs crap from the S&H Redemption Center more than you do.”

Aunt Margie was a professional gambler devoid of any maternal instinct whatsoever. She often forgot to buy food for her kids, and when she did sashay into a grocery store, her mind was on money, not food. She was the type of person who’d intentionally drop a jar of pickles, pretend to slip, and fall, then threaten the store manager with a lawsuit. She made thousands of dollars that way. Aunt M lived on pastries, black coffee and the cocktail nuts that landed at the bottom of her purse when popping into bars just to use their restrooms. Her daughters Marianne and Diane grew up scrounging through garbage cans for something to eat.

Eventually, they found men to take care of them. My aunt’s violent husband Joe left when the girls were toddlers. Joe was wanted by the law for impregnating an adolescent daughter from a previous marriage. According to family lore, Joe got my aunt to marry him by pulling a gun on her and asserting that if she didn’t marry him, he’d kill her.

When a man did something like that, he surely loved you. This was family. We laughed together, went to Jai Alai and casinos en famille, ate second and third helpings of rigatoni and spaghetti with meatballs, and eventually learned how to avoid each other as much as possible. Not an easy thing for Italians to do in Tampa, Florida back in the 70s.


I did not inherit my mother’s love for cooking, but I’m too frugal to dine out. Whenever I have cooked a meal for someone, that person has always complained. I have an 83-year-old neighbor who has no family and few friends. He likes to sit in the lobby of our apartment building reading the New York Times or the Wall Street Journal. He mentioned once that he had spent some years being raised in an Italian family and would give anything for a plate of homemade spaghetti with meat sauce. So, I surprised him one day with a mound of pasta topped with meat sauce I had made from scratch. When I asked him how he liked the meal I prepared, the first thing he said was, “Let me tell you what you did wrong. For one thing, you used ground sirloin instead of spare ribs. This doesn’t taste anything like the sauce my grandmother used to make.”

A few times a year, the property manager treats residents to a catered buffet which everyone lines up for hours before the meal is scheduled to be served. Last summer the fare was fried chicken, collard greens, mashed potatoes, and corn bread. The woman in line behind me shouted, “What kind of food is this?” I turned around and said, “It’s free food, that’s what kind of food it is. Just grab a plate and be grateful.” The grouser then bellowed to the caterers, “This here is Black people’s food. Next time, bring us white people food.”


Growing up poor but well-fed, I gravitated toward a career in food service. First, I would move to San Francisco in my 20s where I spent five years dating rich men for a living. I would find a man to pay my rent and bills (in Pacific Heights, no less) and when that situation became tiresome, I moved on to another rich guy. I saw nothing wrong with this adventure. In a way, I was groomed for such a lifestyle. My mother bought me too-pretty dresses inappropriate for a little girl. Whenever company came to visit, she would push me into the center of the living room and make me twirl around for the adults to ooh and ahh over my Jon Bonet Ramsey potential. My father was an abusive alcoholic and a total drag to be around, so as a child, I made a vow to never marry or have children. All I wanted was to grow up and get even with my dad.

A scene from my childhood: I was standing in the breezeway near the check-in office of our motel, buying a Coke with my weekly allowance, when a man appeared before me, looking me up and down, asking my mom if I came with the room. She laughed. I was only 11, yet she laughed at the thought of a grown man asking if he could rent her daughter. That memory will stick to my ribs until the day I die. My dad’s brother, my Uncle Bob, had always tried to get his hands on me, but I assiduously managed to evade him. When I started wearing bras at 13 though, he would sneak up behind me and pull the horizontal band to make it snap hard against my back. When I got angry with him for doing this to me, the criminally negligent adults in my purview told me to stop being so sensitive and learn how to take a joke. Both my father and his brother would eventually commit suicide.


When I was first told about my father’s death, I was living in Seattle’s University District where I rented a room in a boarding house for $350 a month. A woman on my floor kept after me to attend her church which was an amalgam of Christianity and benign religious conspiracies. I finally accompanied her one Sunday and was instantly mesmerized by a buffet of fried rice, egg noodles, honey prawns, pot stickers, garlic broccoli, and so much more. The sermon was so boring and the food smelled so good, I kept gravitating to the buffet table where I’d nosh until my housemate shooed me back to my folding lawn chair. I kept splaying my greasy fingers as a way of explaining the untouched Bible reserved just for guests.


My father did not kill himself because he was filled with remorse for the way he treated his wife and daughter. He was simply too ashamed to register as a sex offender. I flew back to Florida to pack up my mother’s belongings so she could move to Washington State where her grown children would take care of her. When I returned to Seattle, I immediately went grocery shopping, bringing back to my room two towering bags of comfort. I put the potato chips and cookies in the cupboard then let a pint of Vanilla Häagen-Dazs soften on the counter. There’s something beautiful and uncomplicated about vanilla ice cream. Life can be so ugly and unfathomable. The ice cream had melted to perfection looking just like a snow-capped mountain surrounded by a moat of white cream. The first spoonful of vanilla reached all the way down to the hurt space created by childhood sexual abuse and neglect. When I finished the pint, I went back to the store and bought another one. ▩


Where Are All the Boyfriends I Was Promised?

Love doesn’t come easily to me. Can I do anything about it?

by

Celia Gurney

Season Categories Published
MP810 Personal History

Apr 30, 2024


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I’m getting tired of the girlfriend drop.

You know what I’m talking about. That point in the conversation when a heterosexual man you’ve just met mentions his girlfriend to make it clear he’s not available.

I understand the person doing it is just being a good boyfriend—no crime of omission—and respectful of my time. But it always makes me feel embarrassed (should I have toned my friendliness down?) as well as affronted (you thought I was hitting on you?!). I’ve often wished that instead of being a woman, I could just be a brain on a stick.

The power move would be to respond with a boyfriend drop, but I never have that option. I haven’t fallen in love in over a decade. I’m 32.


The year is 2018. Lights come up in a tiny office near the Empire State Building. I’m asking my therapist if she thinks I’m a sociopath.

“If you were a sociopath,” she replies, “you wouldn’t feel bad about breaking up with him.”

I had just ended things with a guy I’d dated for months. His crime? Inviting me to go camping.

It wasn’t that I didn’t like camping. But the trip would take up an entire weekend. And if he got my weekend and my nine-to-five got the rest of the week, then when would I have time to do anything creative, let alone clean my room?!

So that was it. I didn’t have the kind of feelings that would make going camping with my lover sound more appealing than working on personal projects. I really wanted those feelings. And he deserved someone who had them.

I felt like a sociopath for not ending things sooner. But I also felt genuinely confused about how adult dating was supposed to work. I had only ever been in relationships with people I had feelings for before we went on a first date. When you started dating a stranger, how long were you supposed to wait for feelings to strike? And if you hadn’t fallen in love in a long time and knew it rarely happened for you, were you supposed to just abstain from doing any fun relationship-y things that might lead someone on? Were you never allowed to cuddle while watching a movie, or go to brunch and hold hands in the park after, or have sex with the same person for months so it actually got good?

My therapist was right. I wasn’t a sociopath because I didn’t lack empathy. But my sexuality seemed out of step with most people’s. It would be another year before I found the word for that.


Once, before I’d met the camping guy, my therapist had suggested online dating. I immediately felt panicked in a way I hadn’t since I was a kid, as if she could force me to online date against my will. Instead, she asked why tears were welling up in my eyes. I just really didn’t want to, I said. I did not want to find love that way.

But time went on. I got bored and increasingly lonely in New York, a city with so many romantic-looking restaurants. My roommate treated dating like it was her job and quickly found a couple guys she liked. A friend from college was doing a similar thing, describing it as her “own personal dating show.” Three dates a week, first date at the same bar every time, second date at a bar with a pool table so even if the date went poorly she’d get to practice.

“What do you do on the third date?” I asked her.

“The only two guys who’ve made it that far both invited me over and cooked me dinner,” she said.

That didn’t sound so bad. I decided to give it a shot.

Over the next couple years, I went on dozens and dozens of dates with people I met online. There were some I met in real life, too: a barker in Times Square, a Bedford Cheese Shop man, a subway admirer. A few were terrible, like the one with the guy who thought you couldn’t catch Covid during the day, or the one with the guy who told me a “funny story” so boring I felt depressed imagining his life. But most of them were fine, even good—there was just nothing compelling me to go on a second date.

Eventually I started to wonder, though: how could I meet so many people and not find a single one I was interested in romantically? Except for one measly three-month stint, I hadn’t felt anything approaching love in seven years. Meanwhile, I had friends who walked out of their houses and found boyfriends. One of my friends even found a boyfriend without leaving her house. What was I doing wrong?

I had crushes during my online dating blitz—on two coworkers and a roommate. All emotionally unavailable, unfortunately, but they were useful comparisons. Would their dating app profiles have blown me out of the water? No. Did I want to kiss them when I first met them? Hell no! Maybe I just needed to give these online guys more time.

My peers and the internet agreed—and disagreed. It could take two or three dates to get a good sense of someone. But you needed to trust your gut. However, “the spark” was a myth. Well, it was real, but it could take months to show up. It would fade anyway though, so was it really necessary? Wait, no spark?! Next!

There was also the “It’s just a numbers game” camp, comprised mostly of people who had met their significant others on their third or fourth online date ever.

Alongside all this was an undercurrent of women who whispered, “You might just need to sleep with him to see if there’s anything there.”

At the end of my rope, I began to consider it. Hooking up with someone can reveal cute and hot things about them. Maybe that was the side of these guys I needed to see. Plus, wouldn’t the flood of oxytocin that hits women’s brains after sex make me feel attached?

Turns out “Sex makes women attached” is a bunch of sexist crap.

I frequently complained to friends during this time that there was too much pressure in online dating. Theoretically, you could wait as long as you wanted to decide if you liked someone. But could you wait until you’d had dozens—or even hundreds—of hours of exposure to them, like you’d get at school or in another community setting? People didn’t seem willing to tolerate uncertainty for that long, and I couldn’t blame them. The only reason we were meeting up was to determine if we liked each other. To me, it felt like looking at the sun.


Graphic by Sophie Keller

Sex without feelings could feel physically good, but it was mechanical, devoid of magic, no more than the sum of its parts—not at all like what I remembered from early relationships. Sometimes I could write it off as an anthropological study. More often, it sent me into a three-day depression attack.

This reaction seemed at odds with my beliefs. It was okay to get physical with someone while you were still getting to know them, even the first or only time you met them. So what was happening? Was the voice of an abstinence-only motivational speaker I’d seen with my youth group rattling around in my head shouting “NOBODY WANTS TO MARRY USED GOODS”?! Yeah, it was. But it hadn’t caused this kind of reaction before.

But before, I’d had feelings for people. Lots of them, from an early age. I used to run around my daycare proclaiming I was betrothed to my friend’s older brother. Throughout elementary and middle school, another friend and I would concoct elaborate PG-13 stories for each other starring our crushes du jour. (“It’s Night of the Notables and you’re dressed up as Catherine de’ Medici. Out of nowhere, someone pulls your French hood over your eyes and says ‘Guess who?!’ You whirl around. It’s Ethan.”) When a couple of my crushes finally blossomed into relationships in high school, my brain gave me the full-on natural cocaine experience. I couldn’t wait to fall in love about every other year for the rest of my life.

But in my late 20s, it seemed my heyday was already behind me. I cried out of my mouth Liz Lemon-style over the sink about it.

I learned about a type of grief called ambiguous loss, experienced by people whose partners are physically present but cognitively absent (for example, if the partner has Alzheimer’s) or vice versa (like if they’re stationed overseas); whose loved ones go missing but are never confirmed dead; or who want to but can’t get pregnant. Apparently it could also afflict single people longing for a partner but unable to find one.

Once, I got close. I went on a few dates with a comedian I matched with on Hinge. He was further along in his career, with some writing credits and a show he hosted. The texting was good: funny and just unpredictable enough to get me hooked. Never mind that he was looking for someone to laugh at his jokes rather than someone to build jokes with—we had a shared community! Maybe that was my ticket to successful online dating.

And then he went cold. And after weeks of finally getting my dating dopamine fix, I was in for a major comedown. I fled to an alley on my lunch break and sobbed on the phone to my mom.

“Oh, sweetie,” she said. “You’ll find love when you least expect it.”

That was how I’d found love in the past: by accident, while doing something else. But I had been least-expecting it for seven years before starting online dating, and love hadn’t shown up. Now the proactive approach wasn’t working, either. I was stumped.


The first time I read about demisexuality on the internet, I was sure it couldn’t describe me. It was on the asexuality spectrum, somewhere between complete asexuality and quote-unquote “normal” sexuality. My mind went to the one openly asexual person I’d seen depicted on TV: a magician named Evan on High Maintenance. He’d been spooked by a woman touching his leg, and sex was completely out of the question for him. That didn’t sound like me.

But after so many dating fails, I found myself back on demisexuality forums and Reddit threads. r/demisexuality (88K+ strong!) said:

In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone…however, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to someone else, the demisexual (may) experience(s) sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific person.

So for demisexuals, an emotional connection was a prerequisite for sexual attraction. It wasn’t a preference. They weren’t walking around exercising Herculean self-control over their desires because they thought it was the right thing to do. They just didn’t desire anyone until they felt emotionally connected to them (and maybe not even then).

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network wiki framed things in terms of primary versus secondary sexual attraction. Apparently demisexuals only experienced the latter:

Primary Sexual Attraction: sexual attraction to people based on instantly available information (such as their appearance or smell).

Secondary Sexual Attraction: sexual attraction to people based on information that’s not instantly available (such as personality, life experiences, talents, etc.).

The floodgates really opened when I read Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex. The author, Angela Chen, described so many experiences that echoed my own. An early misunderstanding with a boyfriend about sexual attraction to people outside the relationship, for example.

I had never experienced “just attraction,” a physical impulse—only emotional desire that manifested physically. I wanted sex with someone only when I was already prepared to change my life for them, so I did not believe Henry when he claimed that wanting sex with others did not automatically threaten me. When he talked about how everyone was sexually attracted to everyone else all the time, I could not understand attraction as anything but how I experienced it: emotional yearning—love, really—overpowering and overwhelming, a disaster for our relationship if targeted toward anyone but me (12).

Both Henry and my ex were probably allosexual, meaning they were in the majority of people who experienced purely sexual attraction. Meanwhile, Chen and I only experienced attraction in the context of romantic feelings. I thought about how I’d once heard that bees can see colors we can’t. Was I also missing out on a whole dimension of constant sexual attraction between the people around me?

High Maintenance hadn’t been completely off the mark: some people on the asexual spectrum were sex-repulsed, like Evan the magician. But some were sex-indifferent or sex-favorable (25). Some even had high libidos, or sex drives—they just never felt sexual attraction, or horniness toward a specific person (21), so they might not be interested in partnered sex.

I didn’t know what I was anymore. A sex-favorable asexual? Demisexual? An allosexual with a low libido unless she was in love? I was leaning toward demisexual, but I wondered if that was because of internalized acephobia. I thought of one of my favorite comedians describing another woman as “having no sexual energy” to explain why she was creeped out by her.

In contrast, the end of Ace framed asexuality as simply a different experience, not a lack of some essential quality. The people Chen interviewed cited more time to be creative, more time to build community, and zero time worrying about the interpersonal dynamics that come with dating and having sex (182). Chen described how a person named Zee Griffler’s identity had helped them build more close friendships: “The path toward asexuality,” Chen wrote, “forced them to reject the idea that two people who were close should automatically try to date and have sex, as if that were a superior way of relating (182).”

It wasn’t just asexual people who stood to gain from this perspective shift. Compulsory sexuality, or “the idea…that not wanting (socially approved) sex is unnatural and wrong, and that people who don’t care about sexuality are missing out on an utterly necessary experience” (35) puts a lot of pressure on everyone to seek and maintain sexual relationships, no matter what they want in the short-term or over a lifetime. What if we stopped treating dating like it was on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and started treating it more like pickleball, or any other interest that some but not all people share?


Most internet sources will tell you less than 1% of people are demisexual. But I have a hunch the real number is much higher. A lot of people say things like “I need to be friends first,” or “I just can’t get excited about messaging a stranger.”

Whether they’d all want to embrace a label like demisexuality, however, is another story. Some people feel constricted or pathologized by labels. Others think increasingly specific labels are a snowflake thing or just a way for privileged people to claim marginalization.

All I can say is: this label helped me find others going through similar things. Eventually, it empowered me to shrug off societal expectations about dating and pick and choose only what works for me.

Here’s what works for me: participating in communities where I have repeated, unplanned interactions with people. Scientists say such interactions are critical for forming real friendships based on genuine connection—which are both valuable in their own right and my only hope of ever becoming attracted to anyone. But in this era of remote work, screens filling our leisure time, millennials opting out of religion and a host of other factors tied to American history and late-stage capitalism, it’s increasingly difficult to build a life full of them.

This fall, a guy I’d just met asked me out. I said no. Then I said: I don’t really date. I’m demisexual.

“Totally get that!” he said. “I’m down for friends too.”

So we got friend drinks. We performed in multiple comedy shows together. Then he invited me to a New Year’s Eve party, where we wore glasses that made little rainbow hearts appear around sources of light. After oohing and ahhing at the bonfire and nearby streetlamps, we counted down to midnight and hugged. ▩


Half Life

What I remember now is the warmth.

by

Jeremiadus

Season Categories Published
MP809 Fiction

Apr 09, 2024


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Tommaso Pellegrino was seven years old when he went through the ice. He had slipped quietly away from the rambunctious children sliding, gliding, lurching, and tumbling alongside their parents on the lake’s stubbled surface. He had paused for the briefest moment to take in the scene, then with sibylline grace simply vanished.

Old for the first grade, Tommaso was slender and short, with loose dark curls and blue eyes, fair skin and red lips—from his mother. He lived with his parents in the junior faculty housing by the lake.

Tommaso’s father Paulo was a cosmologist at the particle physics lab on campus. Paulo was often away from home. Monday mornings, effervescently kissing his children good-bye, grandly swinging his briefcase, he strolled to the rail depot, only a half mile from the apartment. He rode the shuttle to the junction, boarded a train to the city, and there hopped a bus to the Brookhaven National Laboratory on Long Island. He returned home in the evenings on Thursday.

While Paulo was away, Tommaso’s mother Juliana cared for Tommaso and his baby sister, Christiana. Juliana hailed from Bolzano at the base of the Tyrolean Alps in northern Italy. She possessed creamy skin and luxuriant blonde hair that she wore long and hanging nearly to the base of her spine in a pony tail or sometimes, adorably, Teutonically, in twin braids.

I taught at the elementary school where Tommaso was a student in my first-grade class. Male elementary school teachers were of course not common. Not then. Not now. The principal perhaps. The gym teacher. Maybe the art teacher. But only rarely a classroom teacher. It was not so much because of some institutional sense of custom or decorum. Honestly, it was probably more a lack of interest from men in the work, a prevailing awkwardness and discomfort in relating to first and second graders. And in the background, I imagine there was also a belief that men were insufficiently nurturing.

Nurturing was not an issue for me. I was unassuming and calm, organized and orderly. A good listener. Patient. I had learned to appreciate the value of shaping and holding generous space for the kids, establishing boundaries both expansive and firm.

But the messy truth is that I was also there for the mothers.


The first day of school of Tommaso’s first grade year, the other students, many of whom knew each other from kindergarten, bounced animatedly off each other, a hive of undifferentiated energy. Tommaso had arrived from Italy with his parents earlier that summer. He stood apart, appraising and watchful.

Tommaso packed a Theodore Tugboat lunchbox and talked volubly to his classmates about Theodore’s adventures with rest of the Big Harbour gang. He told me, more than once, about his preference for things that floated and aversion to things that sank. And honestly, that pretty much summed up his personality. In our class, he was the buoyant student, the unsinkable presence, a safe harbor for the rest of us. Including me.

Tommaso arrived by bus most mornings, but his mother often retrieved him at the end of the school day, particularly when it had been raining. Juliana’s English was good, nearly unaccented. But she appeared sad to me. She told me the apartment building where they lived was drab and lonely. She had not met other mothers. People were not friendly.

Her husband Paulo had grown up in Milan, she told me, but she came from picturesque and prosperous Bolzano. She had been a competitive figure skater as a child, I learned, but had happily put the skating behind her when she went to university, where she met Paulo.


In late October, we studied water—its properties, its uses, its significance for humans and other living creatures. I organized a field trip to visit the lake and the canal that flowed alongside it. Several mothers accompanied me to assist with the children, one of whom was Tommaso’s mother. She brought Christiana in the stroller.

The bus parked by the football stadium. We herded the students down the hill. It was a warm and glorious autumn day, the moist air saturated with light, the leaves stippled with faint drops, reflecting the emerging colors: rusts and golds and magentas.

I held Tommaso’s hand. Elise, who had become his closest friend, skipped happily just ahead, laughing for him to follow. Tommaso’s mother pushed the stroller on the other side of Tommaso, clasping his other hand. He too skipped along, chortling, his blue and red Theodore Tugboat backpack jostling happily on the thin blades of his shoulders. Juliana and I pulled him into the air, retrieving him to us.

Tommaso stopped to point at a blank, featureless tower planted on the crest of the hill. “That’s the physics building!” he shouted to Elise, who winced and pressed her palms to her ears. “Papa works there. He makes hot soup and then pours it into in a black hole!”

Juliana glanced at me and rolled her eyes. “Paulo’s a particle physicist.”

We descended to the lake. Juliana nodded across the road to where twin brick apartment buildings, each rising five stories, fronted the lake. “That’s Ribben and Magpie,” she said. “We live in Ribben.” She stared pensively at the buildings, which even in the golden light seated themselves heavily atop the earth, like unquiet tombs. “Our apartment faces away from the lake,” she added.

“Magpie’s a bird,” Tommaso confided, proud of his English.

“Yes,” I said. “And Ribben?”

Tommaso pressed his lips together and furrowed his brow. “Ribben’s a cold monster,” he said.

We reached the lake and marched on to the bridge toward the canal. Tommaso waved across the road at his apartment. “Hello Ribben. Hello Magpie.”

“Hello Baggy Pie,” Elise echoed. The children shrieked with laughter.


As we approached the lake, rowers swept by, gliding rhythmically through the serene water, clockwork dip and pull of the oars. The children were entranced by the tiny men and women perched in the stern, baseball caps flipped backwards on their heads, bullhorns pressed to their lips, counting out the beat, barking commands to the rowers.

Power 10 in two. One! Two! Square! Touch It Up!

We marched across an arched stone bridge spanning the lake and turned on to the far bank. Tommaso was telling Elise about the previous winter, when the lake had frozen solid for 10 days and Tommaso’s mother taught him to skate. He moved his arms in a synchronized, pendular motion in front of him while sliding his legs behind him like scissors snapping. “Swoosh Swish Slice / Swoosh Swish Slice,” he chanted. “That’s how Mama told me to skate.”

Tommaso turned on his heels and for a moment stared gravely at the canal on the other side of the towpath. I pivoted with Tommaso and, perhaps like him, found myself imagining the glassy surface itself to be a solid that would bear my weight if only I dared to test it, to trust it.

“Mama said I should never ever skate on the canal,” Tommaso whispered to Elise. “She said the water doesn’t get cold enough. The ice looks safe because it’s smooth. But she said smooth ice isn’t strong. It cracks!” He turned back to the lake and waved his arm panoramically. “Over here, the ice on the lake is rough. Mama says rough ice is safer.” Then he frowned.


“When we work on the land and on nature and change it, that’s called engineering,” I told the kids, sitting on blankets and eating sandwiches, a few minutes later. “Engineering is something people can do that most other animals cannot, at least not in the same way. We change the natural world to adjust it and bend it to our human needs. Or what we imagine those needs to be.”

More than 150 years ago, I told the children—now seated on blankets and eating sandwiches—workers from Ireland came to America and dug this 60 miles canal with hand tools like picks and shovels. I said, “Imagine if our principal, Miss Pigeon—” and had to pause here because the students always laughed at the name of the principal.

Starting up again, “Imagine if Miss Pigeon said to all of you, ‘Children of the first grade, there you are at the canal, almost two miles from our school. I am giving each of you a spoon, knife, and fork from the cafeteria. You must dig a ditch two feet wide and two inches deep from the canal to your classroom.’ What would you say to that?”

The students oohed and aahed, because of course this task appeared unfathomably difficult.


The qualities that made me a good teacher for young children also made me attractive to their mothers, and to girls and women generally, and oddly, for similar reasons. I packaged a stabilizing calm, stillness, and warmth within a strong and graceful physique. This combination—creating space, promising safety, harmonizing gentleness and strength—turned out to be pretty irresistible.

I was not classically handsome. Far from it. As a young teen, I suffered a devastating series of bouts with acne that permanently scarred my face, leaving it rough and pitted like the mountains of the moon. Craterface, my schoolmates called me. Indeed I was.

But while this disfigurement might have produced a corresponding layer of emotional scarring in other adolescents, I’d arrived at this moment of peril fortified with a lavishly secure childhood that somehow secured me from the devastation that this pox stamped upon others. Of course, I knew objectively that the acne scars were hideous, but I was nonetheless, without effort, able to accept these cracks and holes in my face as an unthreatening texture.

In spite of my cratered visage, or perhaps even partly because of it, females were drawn to me. My gentle and passive receptivity to whatever interior emotional needs they wanted to project on to me seemed a kind of vacuum of the sort nature abhors, and so a strange attractor for female affection and ardor. This pattern was so familiar and natural to me that at the time I graduated college and departed for Europe in the early 1990s with my girlfriend Miranda, I took for granted and navigated comfortably the potentially complex relationship dynamics that sometimes ensued.


Miranda was British. We spent several months in Oxford, then hopscotched to Paris, Paros, Prague, and Vienna. By the time we settled in Berlin—where for a year we partied like it was 1995 and I obtained a sinecure at the Goethe Institute as a teaching assistant—Miranda had become used to the attention I received from other women. She understood this attention was the current in which I swam, and, indeed, she perceived more clearly than most that this piece of my identity did not make me a threat to her and to our relationship.

Then Giselle entered my life. A fellow assistant at the Goethe Institute, a few years older than me, Giselle had until 1989 lived on the eastern side of the Berlin Wall, and she subsequently staggered into West Berlin striped by Soviet-bloc-sized emotional wounds for which I was entirely unprepared.

I suppose she was malformed as a child by surveillance, suspicion, paranoia. It was easy for me in retrospect to imagine how the sensory maelstrom that was Berlin in the 1990s might quite easily have fragmented and dissolved what I took to be the slipshod fabrications of her mind.

With an unmediated urgency that I’d never before experienced with anyone, she latched on to me as if I were a life-preserver tossed to her drowning, flailing, sinking self. She would not yield, her emotional need subtracting fully the space that I—instinctively and without forethought—created for women, subdividing and zeroing it out until I found that I myself could not breathe. She wanted me in every conceivable way.

I needn’t divulge details. What would be the point? The only point, in the end, was that lacking me confirmed to Giselle that she lacked everything, that she would always be partial, emptying, never whole, always broken. And so one moist evening, drunk to a point of no return, she stepped in front of a train.


A hard lesson for an innocent kid, as I somehow still imagined myself to be (although I was 23 years old, nearly 24). My response was to flee. From Berlin. From Miranda. From myself. My unarmored grace now exposed to me as a dangerous ugliness no less grim and diminishing than my pocked flesh, which for the first time also horrified and repelled me.

After a few months back in the States with my parents, I joined the Peace Corps and was sent to a village outpost in Zambia’s Luangwa Valley. There I spent two years teaching primary school —and learned I had a knack for the classroom.

My beautiful, smiling, exuberant young charges, in their powder-blue school uniforms, called me Teacher and would not quit me. The change of scene—dry heat and clear skies and empty spaces—quite restored my calm, and my students explored me like a topographical map, as if my body were itself their textbook.

Swarming, they clambered and crawled upon me, touching my face, probing its bumps and colors as if it were indeed the surface of the moon, stroking my eyes, my ears, my lips, entangling their fingers in my hair (which had grown long and thickened with curls), tenderly tracing the line of my jaw and the stubble of my chin, testing the strength of my biceps, grasping and pulling at my fingers.

“You are a strong-quiet man,” they told me.


It was also there, in my classroom in my village in Zambia, that I first encountered the mothers. Well, one mother in particular. Her daughter was Ayanda. Her name was Thandi. I became her confidant and confessor, her friend and companion. There was nothing profound about our relationship. Thandi certainly wanted nothing more from me than I was prepared to give. Unlike with Giselle, I did not represent rescue or a way out.

From a distance, I realize now that we were a triangle, Ayanda the necessary bridge for Thani and my connection. We bonded from conversations about her daughter, sharing insights, discussing goals and prospects, devising paths forward toward imagined futures for the daughter, these also images of possibility for Thandi herself.

Throughout, I remained still. I allowed Thandi to claim me, to inhabit me, to want me. We together shared and loved something precious. Her daughter. Which somehow sanctioned our gentle, exquisite, private lovemaking.


The rain returned fell intensifying ardor in November, hardening into an unyielding sleet by December. The grownups fretted, of course, descending into cycles of negative speculation about what it all meant, the weather, as always the screen on which they projected their own anxieties.

But the children were resilient, unflappable even. Protectively wrapped, like mini-Michelin men and women, they bounced and careened and caromed into my classroom each morning with the earnest exuberance of the un-dammed. Carelessly and without heed, spirits buoyant, cheeks rosy, noses runny, they unspooled themselves from their hats, scarves, coats, mittens, and boots, shaking away the water like drenched pups, as if this heinous weather were absolutely normal, as indeed it may well have been for them, for what else did they know?

One morning in December, Tommaso marched from the cloakroom into the classroom, steam rising like smoke from his thick mop of dark curls. He approached my desk, bright-eyed, smiling incandescently. “Because it’s so wet, I am bringing one of my Theodore Tugboat books for you to read,” he announced. “It’s called Theodore and the Stormy Day.”

Juliana trailed behind Tommaso, in woolen tights, skirt, and sweater, her hair unbraided. She looked pale and exhausted. She offered me one of her own wan smiles.

The relentless rain had made their apartment unbearable, and after Thanksgiving, she and Paulo had agreed to hire a babysitter for Christiana and she’d taken to bringing Tommaso to school herself in the mornings, remaining until the end of the school day as a parent helper in the classroom.

When the students went to lunch, Juliana often joined me at my desk. We ate and talked. On this particular day, with the lights off and the room a cloistered and intimate shadow of itself, she told me of her deteriorating relationship with Paulo and its impact on Tommaso. “He’s such a happy boy, in his nature,” she said. “But he notices and he knows and it unsettles him, that somehow he might have to choose.” I chewed my food thoughtfully, my eyes locked on hers.

Juliana told me about Paulo’s second life at Brookhaven. “His half-life, he calls it,” she said mockingly. “He has relationships with women in this other life. He does not conceal them. He never has.”

Juliana elaborated. She said Paulo believed that the universe bends back upon, splits, and refracts itself. That we inhabit multiple alternative realities, each a portion of a larger plenitude. Each with its own emotional and physical claims. “Tommaso adores his father,” she said. “He says that one day he will join Paulo in his half-life and explore with him the mysteries of the universe.”

I suggested to Juliana that maybe she should consider her own second life, that she didn’t need to fully tether herself to Paulo. For a moment, the weight she carried lifted, as she pondered what that might look like. Her long fingers languidly kneaded the papers on the desk then curled themselves into the palm of her hand, as if seeking within its cartography something to touch and hold that belonged only to her.

Her knee pressed against mine. “It’s true,” she said. “Maybe it’s time for me to teach skating again.”

We stood to prepare the classroom for the return of the children from their lunch. Juliana took my hands and wrapped them around her waist and rested her head on my shoulder. “Thank you,” she murmured. “You are a good man. A good teacher. Tommaso adores you, too.” Tilting her face up toward me, she raised up on her toes and laughed, gently rubbing her nose against mine. Her fingers explored the bumps and grooves of my face. “Such a rough surface,” she said wondrously. “So many places to hide.”


She called me two days later. I was waiting for her call. Tommaso had been absent from school. He wasn’t sick, she said. But he had been having night terrors. He refused to go to school. He wouldn’t leave her side. He clung to her like a baby kangaroo. “I’m your baby kangaroo,” he kept saying. “Please let me stay in your pocket.”

Ribben was indeed a cold monster I thought as I stepped into the narrow lobby, really just some silver mailboxes, bolted to the dirty brown brick façade, adjacent to a sad plastic Christmas tree and a small, non-operating elevator. I climbed the stairs to the third floor and found the apartment at the end of a glowering corridor.

“What are you doing here?” Tommaso said, tugging at his forelock, staring at me as if I were a space alien. He clutched a toy boat in his hand but looked disheveled and slightly dazed. Without waiting for me to answer, and with no welcome in his voice, he shouted to his mother, “Mama, it’s Teacher.” Then to me, sotto voce, his voice chill and precise. “Go away, Teacher. Stay away. You’re ugly. You scare me.

That was my fantasy, as I knocked on the door to the apartment, and I stifled an instinct, once more, to flee. But when the door opened, Juliana stood there alone, wiping her hands on a rag, smiling. She wore jeans and an Icelandic sweater, her hair fetchingly pulled back beneath a blue bandana. “Thank you for coming here,” she said. “I know it’s a lot to ask.”

She’d made prior arrangements. It was a Thursday. It would be late in the evening before Paulo returned from Brookhaven. Tommaso would play at Elise’s house for two hours.

Juliana took my wet coat and scarf and tousled my hair. “Here, sit.” She led me by the hand to the worn couch, its cushions collapsing into themselves, and I sank down into its vortex.

I took in the room, which was carpeted and rectangular, the narrow side framed by a single window that faced a skeletal grove of trees lashed by the wind and the rain. Low bookcases lined the walls across from me crammed with physics texts and works of popular science and literature. Above the books, framed photos lined the wall—Tommaso holding Christiana, Tommaso’s school photo, the entire family, Juliana on the ice. Toys littered the dingy, carpeted floor—Tommaso’s boats, his Legos, an Etch a Sketch, a tangram puzzle, an N64 plugged into the television.

“That’s one busy boy,” I said.

Juliana smiled and nodded. “Too busy.” She handed me a cup of tea and settled into the sofa beside me. “Christiana’s napping,” she said.

She laid a crocheted blanket across our laps. She leaned into me and shivered. “You see? About the damp and the cold?”

“It’s not so bad.” I actually rarely experienced cold. “Tell me about Tommaso,” I said.

She sighed. “Two nights ago, he climbed into bed with me. He was shaking. Sweating. Cold sweats. He said he’d dreamed about a rocket ship that smashed into the earth, cracking it open. Paulo and I were on one side of the crack. Tommaso was alone on the other side.”

I took her hand, pressing it between both of my own, gently stroking the skin between her thumb and forefinger. I gazed quietly into her eyes, holding her gaze, liquefying the boundary between us.

“He was terrified,” she said. Her eyes pooled, and as they did, I could feel myself emptying, opening up, allowing her tears and her pain to fill and inhabit me.

“Younger children, they are not aware,” she said haltingly. “But as I told you, Tommaso, he is seven, he is old for his grade. But he also old for his age. He sees everything.”

“What does the crack mean?” I murmured.

She didn’t answer. Instead, her cheeks glistening, her eyes now closing, she kissed me, her warm mouth parting, and I could feel the dam breaking.


We waded into the new year, damp and bedraggled. Then in mid-January it all ceased. The skies cleared. The air dried. The temperature plunged. And one morning the children awakened to a miracle. The sun shone gloriously and with crystalline splendor upon our little patch of earth, unveiling a winter wonderland.

I’d been told snow days in the town were the high point of every year, a liminal state of joy and possibility where children, and indeed the entire town—shedding all rules and routines scaffolding their lives—converged upon the lake, clambered on to the ice, and there commenced a singular extravaganza, long known to all in the community as Ice Follies.

I sat atop the protruding root system of a willow, on the strip of land separating the lake from the canal, lacing my second-hand skates, taking in the scene, hundreds of children, their parents in tow, cantering and skidding upon the frozen lake.Kids playing hockey, racing each other, dancing, staggering, falling, lifting themselves up, all sparkling with a sun-kissed diamantine splendor.

At the center of the crowd, I spotted Tommaso, bundled from head to toe, skating in circles around a man in street shoes pushing a stroller across the ice. I recognized him from the apartment photos, of course. Paulo Pellegrino, a short, smiling fellow wearing smart-looking leather gloves and a pea coat. I didn’t see Juliana. I sauntered on to the ice myself, trying to appear more confident and composed than I felt. “Teacher!” Tommaso shouted when he saw me.

Tommaso was a natural, skating smoothly and in rhythm toward me—swoosh swish—while I hobbled lamely across the ice, my skates strapped like bear traps around my jellied ankles. Approaching at perilous speed, he dug in his right blade, pivoted and spun to a stop beside me, showering me with snow. I reached out to grab him for balance.

In that moment Juliana swept by on her skates, laughing. “You are like the drunken sailor doing the random walk,” she shouted. She spread her arms and lifted one leg high behind her. Tilting forward, she spun lazy eights in the ice while Paulo neared with the stroller. Just before he reached us, Juliana began skating in earnest again, with short and powerful strokes, carving several tight circles around us before pulling up short next to her son. She was breathing lightly, her face aglow. She touched her husband’s arm.

“Paulo, this is Tommaso’s teacher, you’ve heard so much about.”

Paulo peered curiously at me, his dark eyes merry, flickering beacons behind wire-rimmed glasses. Luxuriant curls poured floridly to his shoulders beneath a black watch cap. He was quite short, but very handsome, his posture a pugnacious assertion of self-regard.

“So we finally meet!” He shook my hand warmly. “Tommo and Julia speak so much of you. It’s as if we share in the same family!”

Did alarm bells peal? Did the hackles rise? Not really. Not for me. I was not that sort of person. I’d continued to spend time with Juliana in the classroom. When Paulo was at Brookhaven, she’d arrange play dates for Tommaso and babysitting for Christiana so she could see me alone. She’d been clear that Paulo would have no clue. “He’s too self-absorbed,” she said. “He orbits around himself.”

But now I wonder.

What I remember from that moment when Paulo and I faced each other on the ice, shaking hands, talking informally, about nothing really—what did I think of Ice Follies, his commute, platitudes about his family, an off-handed reference to his “half-life”—what I remember now is the warmth, bordering on heat, that this proximity generated, as if some force field had been created.


Paulo chattered away. Juliana, hovering in the background, arched an eyebrow meaningfully for my sake, then whispered something to Tommaso, kissed him on the top of his head, and skated toward the center of the lake.

Meantime, Tommaso had begun to tug on his father’s coat sleeve, pointing to the shore. “Papa, this is where Teacher brought my class. Do you remember?

Paulo idly pushed the stroller forwards and backwards, oblivious to Tommaso, absorbed by the sound of his own words, directed at me.

“By slamming small particles into heavy gold nuclei at nearly the speed of light, we create tiny, ultra-hot droplets of a bizarre type of matter”—his words grew louder—”called a quark-gluon plasma.” For just a few thousandths of a second after the Big Bang, the universe was so hot and dense that atoms could not form at all! Instead, space was filled with this quark soup.”

While he rambled, I considered this Paulo. He was annoying but—second life or not—he also occupied a stable and appraisable position in the life of his family. Who was I to disturb this universe? And yet I had.

“My experiments involve shooting the gold with a helium-3 atom, which produces in the resulting droplets a remarkable triangle pattern. This occurs outside of anything we might understand to be space-time in the relativistic sense…”

I watched Tommaso from the corner of my eye. His expression had darkened. He was turning inward. His blue eyes twitched and shuddered in the glare of the sun. Perspiration beaded his brow. Initially restless, then impatient, several times, he skated away from us, then returned. “Papa, I’m exploring,” he said. “Come with me. We’ll find snorkel clams.” And then these words. “They’re on the other side. Where the water’s warm.”

Paulo ignored him.

“You’re boring, Papa,” Tommaso said finally. “I am going to find, Mama. Okay?”

“That’s good, Tommo,” Paulo said. “Bring Mama back. We’ll all play together.”

Tommaso skated past me and once more, I thought I heard him, under his breath. “Go away, Teacher. Stay away. You’re ugly. You scare me.


They retrieved his body from the canal late that afternoon. The ice had collapsed beneath him near a pumphouse, where water temperatures were typically higher and any ice that formed was rotten.

Someone later reported having seen him in the morning, seated on the bank of the canal, pulling out his toys from his backpack, moving his boat back and forth on the ice. They saw him stuff the toys back into his pack, scramble his arms through the straps, then skid from the bank to the ice and begin to skate north.

As for me, I’d watched him retreat from his father, and from me, skating lazily on the margins of the pandemonium at the center of the lake. The sun was still climbing in the east, its bright clear light refracting through the hoar-frosted trees, curtaining the shoreline like a stage set. After perhaps 200 yards, he paused near a clearing on the bank, the sun here wreathing him in cold light.

I squinted, blinked, and when I could see clearly again, he was gone. I assumed he’d hurled himself into a nearby scrum of children, perhaps having seen within it his mother. In reality, he’d simply exited the stage, his swift passage through the trees, like a scimitar, instantly slicing him from this light, and from us. ▩


Getting Dressed

A comic

by

Naomi Blausapp

Season Categories Published
MP808 Personal History

Mar 18, 2024


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The Mathematical Pattern At the Heart of Black History

Fractals show up in African villages and hair braids. Do they also also describe a distinctly Black political tradition?

by

Likam Ky

Season Categories Published
MP806 In Review

Feb 20, 2024


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Back to Black: Black Radicalism for the 21st Century | by Kehinde Andrews | Bloomsbury Publishing, 2018


In the 1980s, the ethnomathmatician Ron Eglash was studying aerial photos of a tribe in Tanzania and saw a peculiar pattern governing the distribution of the people’s homes. The area around the village was surrounded by built circular shapes, encircling more circles in an expanding pattern. Eglash’s team spent the decade tracking these shapes across Black Africa. What he and his team encountered were geometric patterns known as fractals.

Fractals are patterns that are infinitely repeating, even at smaller scales. Think of the branches of trees, and how each smaller branch is a similar shape to its larger branch. On a larger scale, clumps of dark matter, called “halos,” (which host galaxies and their clusters) have fractal-like properties. Each clump of dark matter holds smaller sub-structures of dark matter.

The Kotoko people built the city of Logone-Birni in Cameroon centuries ago using fractal design. They used clay to create self-similar rectangular complexes, added onto each other. According to Eglash, these patterns enacted Kotokos’ patrilocal households. Kotoko men would have their sons build houses next to theirs for security from common northern invasions. Defensive walls guarded the son’s house—a pattern that emerged over the city. “The fractal structures of traditional African settlements,” Eglash wrote, “reveal indigenous knowledge systems that have valuable insights for complexity.”

Beyond urban design, fractals stand as part of Africa’s cultural history. Black people have for millennia, for example, used fractal braiding traditions, enacting intricate math on the contours of the head.

If fractals embody an indigenous African knowledge system, can fractals also embody a distinctly Black political tradition? Kehinde Andrews might have considered such a question in Back to Black: Black Radicalism for the 21st Century. The book scours Black political history to parse varying definitions of the word “radical” as they have been forged by Black intellectuals, from Marcus Garvey to Cornel West, who sought alternatives to the political and economic systems around them.

Andrews argues Black struggles of today must connect with Black freedom moments of the past. “In doing so,” he writes, “we should stop thinking about Black radicalism as a tradition and start to understand it as its political ideology.” Radicalism, he says, rejects the fundamental principles that govern society and creates a new paradigm.

On TV, however, the word “radical” often shows up to label someone with beliefs different from the generally agreed-upon narrative. Think of how U.S. political figures talk about “radical leftists” or “radical Islam.” The use of the term in these contexts is synonymous with extremism and is marshalled to demonize another side.

The mainstream misusage reflects, in part, the term’s slippery history. Without a clear political meaning, “radicalism” will remain a mainstream term of condemnation—rather than the political project Andrews and many others have sought to enact.

The term radical came from the radish, a root vegetable popular in Europe. It also has a mathematical etymology. The mathematical term is a symbol for the root of a number, for example, a square root or cube root; the term is also synonymous with the root itself. Rather than, say, doubling a number, a radical splits it down to its root.

Andrews sees the word as a synonym of “revolutionary.” “So the term ‘radical Islam,’” he writes, “is completely nonsensical.”

Yet is everything that is radical, revolutionary? In mathematics, a revolution refers to a full rotation or a complete 360-degree turn. It is a term used to describe the concept of rotating an object or a function around an axis to create a three-dimensional shape or surface. The object starts and ends in the same position after completing a full revolution.

In politics, a revolution is a significant and often abrupt change in a country or region’s political system or power structure. It involves the forcible removal of an existing power structure and the implementation of a new one.

The mathematical definition taps more closely to the nature of a revolutions as they often take place in practice—starting in one place, ending there too. Take, say, the French or Egyptian revolutions, which deposed their dictatorial leaders and replaced them with other dictators: From Louis XV to Napoleon, Mubarak to el-Sisi.

Revolutions can, however, have a radical aspect in which an alternative is forged. The Haitian revolution, for example, transformed a slave economy into a republic. Just as a mathematical radical stands in for a root number, a political radical should analyze the historical roots of a current system—and consider alternatives on that basis.


Published in 2018, Back to Black revisits various approaches to political-economic thinking by Black visionaries over the past century. Giving broad historical accounts of modern political movements centered around the Black diaspora in the U.S. & U.K. primarily. Andrews delves into both liberal and leftist critiques of the current global order and the alternatives that sprang from such criticisms.

Back to Black is a remarkable account of modern Black thought. But Andrews’ book suffers from a Eurocentric view of Africa. He fails to see the anthropological and historical connections between the diaspora and all Africans, including those regions unrelated to the Atlantic slave trade.

“It (blood) is our direct link back to the continent of Africa, the permanent reminder of a shared connection,” Andrews writes. “Blood takes on such importance because due to the horrors of slavery and cultural genocide, we have nothing else connecting us.”

Africa is the most genetically diverse continent on the planet. If anything, it is our blood that divides us. What connects all Black people are centuries of culture, the kink in our hair, and fractals in our follicles.

Andrews spends much of his book highlighting how certain Black political projects fail to be properly radical. He sees in Black nationalism, for example, the impulse to create a nation per European political ideas.  “Narrow forms of nationalism across the Diaspora and on the African continent,” he writes, “present some of the most short-sighted and dangerous politics that promise to further embed Black people in the global system of racial oppression.”

He cites Jamaica, whose economy he describes as entirely controlled from the outside, as a perfect example of the failure of Black nationalism. Andrews points out that for all the political success of Jamaica’s decolonization efforts, the nation’s economy is still wholly dependent on foreign ones. Its narrow self-interest compels it to compete with neighbors, like the Bahamas, for the same pool of foreign tourists, rather than work cooperatively for economic self-reliance. How, Andrews asks skeptically, can a nation whose economy is controlled by others be free?

Andrews also has little time for cultural projects like Pan-Africanism—a cultural movement spurned on by W.E.B. Dubois to modernize Africa “in the framework of imperialism,” as Andrews puts it. A prominent socialist, Dubois advocated for decolonization and African unity from a top-down approach. Like many socialists of his time, Dubois insisted that Africa would be freed “by the most exceptional of us.” According to Andrews, Dubois’ Pan-Africanism is not radical because it relies on the powerful to make radical change. Andrews cautions readers that elitists like Dubois give too little agency to everyday people, preferring to rely on highly educated circles of Black leaders who, as Andrews puts it, “want to be white.”

Andrews’ chapter on Black Marxism is friendlier to its historical figures, as he borrows much of his own politics directly from those Huey Newton and his associates. The core argument of Black Marxism is that capitalism and white supremacy are not just interrelated, but inseparable. While most other Marxists would agree to some extent with this statement, Black Marxists are especially concerned with systems of racial oppression such as the prison-industrial complex.

Still, for Andrews Black Marxists are politically homeless—and set on Marxism simply because it is another political tradition aimed at “raging against the machine,” despite a disconnect from Black political roots that he believes also undermine the radical potential of Black nationalism and Pan-Africanism.

Like many, Andrews sees a lost potential in the sixties, when Newton’ Black Panthers fought for Black autonomy, solidarity, and independence. Yet he does not say what about these impulses had specifically radical potential. In this way, his book offers a broad and generic analysis of the meaning and future of Black radicalism.


Andrews might have found his radical project in the cultural tradition of fractals, which, according to Eglash’s seminal work, African Fractals: Modern Computation and Indigenous Design, have rare ubiquity in Africa. Eglash doesn’t characterize any particular system as “bad or good,” and declines to project political meaning onto mathematical concepts.  “We find that there is no evidence that geometric form has any inherent social meaning,” he writes.

Yet in showing, for example, how Euclidean zoning shaped European colonial projects, Eglash demonstrates the polical power and potential of mathmatics as a cultural tradition.

The 16th-century Edo Empire, in present-day Nigeria, cordoned off sections of the city with many radial streets splitting from major streets like tree branches. Fractal city design split the city into guild districts that worked independently, but collaboratively to produce works of art, tools, and other implements of civic vitality. The guilds in Edo demonstrated uncommon skill; they were behind the world-famous Benin Bronzes.

Four hundred years later, the Black Panthers in California would arrange their political group as independent but cooperative chapters from city to city. Like the guilds of Edo, each group would self-organize to solve their issues but come together for problems that required broader collaboration. Rooted in a history of fractals, Black culture flows through this narrative shape—and I can think of no better place from which to start creating an authentic Black political ideology. ▩


In Delhi, an Urdu Wala, and a ‘Dying’ Language’s Quiet, Vibrant Life

Professors and politicians cast Urdu—the language of great Muslim civilization’s past—as a relic in need of preservation. Raheem Sahab sees something more.

by

Rhône Grajcar

Season Categories Published
MP805 Personal History

Feb 06, 2024


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“If you crack him, you’ve cracked the Urdu language,” Akbar told me. We were discussing my new Urdu tutor, Raheem Sahab, who would be taking Akbar’s place while the latter took an extended leave. Raheem may be a little awkward, Akbar warned, but his passion for the language was immense.

Raheem had done his PhD in modern Urdu literature. His dissertation was nearly a book—and unlike many in Indian academia, he hadn’t ghostwritten it. Akbar had read it and quizzed Raheem, who’d practically got the thing memorized. “You know he’s a hafiz?” Akbar said, referring to a person who has memorized the Qur’an. And not just the Arabic version. Raheem knew the full Urdu translation. “That’s like, unknown here.”

I had been studying Urdu for several years, over two extended bouts living in India. Like many American students, I began with Hindi, before the allure of romantic Urdu poetry compelled me to switch streams.

It is an easy transition—the languages share a grammar and common colloquial vocabulary. Their separation into two distinct languages and association with different religious communities (Hindi for North Indian Hindus and Urdu for North Indian Muslims) was a product of colonial-era politics and divergent Indian and Pakistani nationalisms.

It is only in their scripts, Arabic-based for Urdu and Sanskrit-based for Hindi, and in their higher registers, as Urdu turns more Arabic and Persian and Hindi turns more Sanskrit, where the languages sharply diverge.

My own grandfather—who before his early death told me of his journeys across Africa and South Asia—spoke Urdu with his family in Johannesburg. Inspired in part by this legacy, I studied under Urdu professors in India and the U.S and attended the odd Urdu poetry recital.

In so doing, I became exposed to the refrain that Urdu is a “dying language.” The idea papers over the language’s healthy status and institutionalization in Pakistan, where it became a national symbol. But those who make this claim focus more on the fate of Urdu in its place of origin, the Doab plains between the Ganga and Jamuna rivers of Northern India.

Earlier historical accounts of Urdu centers like Delhi and Lucknow are rich with scenes of well-attended Urdu poetry recitals. Wealthy royals patronized Urdu poets, and courtesans were expected to educate their visitors in Urdu verse, both spoken and sung. The language represented the fusion of Indian and Persianate cultures, and it was dear to the region’s literary and artistic elite.

In those same cities today, however, it is increasingly difficult to find Urdu education. As schools have increasingly embraced English and Hindi as their medium of instruction, Urdu studies have largely been left to Islamic seminaries—no bastions of “modern” sciences—furthering the language’s reputation as antiquated.

The Muslim communities who continue to speak the language tend to be economically depressed and politically underrepresented—forced into informal, low-education sectors of the Indian economy. Meanwhile, the Modi regime’s flirtations with Hindi as a national language have worried many Indian liberals, for whom the loss of Urdu to Pakistan would represent a final blow to the iconic vision of India’s first prime minister, Jawaharlal Nehru, of a secular and pluralistic state.

In my conversations with non-Urdu speakers in India, particularly those in the middle and upper classes, I sensed a belief that Urdu is a kind of cute but anachronistic inheritance. For those who champion India’s breakneck GDP growth and increasing global importance, Urdu and its speakers seem backward and essentially religious, a relic of the precolonial past.


Akbar was running the Indian language school out of his apartment in South Delhi, converting its two spare bedrooms to classrooms. The staff ushered me into one of these on the first day of classes with Raheem Sahab. Absent-mindedly opening the door and stepping in, I nearly tripped over my new teacher. My brain sputtered for a few seconds before registering his prostration upon a prayer mat—and concluding I had intruded on one of his five daily prayers.

I stepped back outside, embarrassed and suddenly conscious of my short sleeves and the tattoos peeking out from under them. To what extent would I be expected to censor myself, in order not to offend his apparently prodigious piety? With a deep breath I returned to the room and greeted Raheem with the customary aadaab arz. He reciprocated with a soft smile.

We did not acknowledge my prior intrusion, and I sat down at an old wooden desk across from him. It was the peak hour of post-lunch lethargy, but my nerves about our first meeting kept me alert.

Raheem wore a simple cream button-down shirt and brown pants. Retrieving square, framed spectacles from his shirt pocket, he began to sus out my Urdu competence.

He spoke slowly, with an economy of words, and often trailed off into a mumble at the conclusion of his sentences. I noticed he would often close his eyes and look down and away as if to further impregnate the pauses in our conversation.

There is a perception in India that Muslims are less friendly than their countrymen of other faiths. I’ve heard people rationalize this stereotype through some superficially constructed understanding of Islamic doctrine that demands Muslims segregate themselves in the name of purity.

My travels throughout different subsections and localities of the North Indian Muslim community, however, had not supported this theory—and helped me understand that what is often perceived as unfriendliness likely results from the ghettoization of Indian Muslims and their exclusion from many economic sectors. For some, it appears easier to believe in an outwardly hostile Islam than it is to examine the myriad, potentially self-incriminating reasons that have driven Muslims from public spaces.

Raheem’s words were few yet exceptionally kind. Nearly every WhatsApp message he sent to me began with “aadaab arz hai, umeed hai khairiyat se honge”—greetings, I hope everything is well with you. It was the kind of charmingly polite (and somewhat archaic) Urdu that you’d hear in classic Bollywood movies about the golden age of Islamicate India. Raheem said he was excited to work with me and appeared pleased with my attempts to demonstrate my knowledge of Urdu and its culture.


Raheem began class by asking me a series of simple questions about my day, how my research was going, and what I had been up to. We went through this same series of questions almost daily—probably a hundred times—with almost no deviation in my response.

I asked him about his home life but couldn’t establish much more than that he lived a middle-class life in a Muslim neighborhood called Jamia Nagar and spent most of his time outside of teaching reading the Qur’an or making sure his children were studying.

After this initial chat, most of our class time was occupied reading an article Raheem had selected. Where previous teachers and I had read scholarly work on Sufi Islam and revolutionary poetry, now I was reading single page articles titled “the world of birds,” “community radio,” and “pollution.”

These somewhat demeaning articles and the almost-rehearsed quality of our conversations made me wonder if Raheem would be the one to shepherd my breakthrough from language learning materials into the proper Urdu literary cannon.

We were averaging three hours a day, five days a week together. Somewhat mercifully, Raheem would often end class by putting a film on the computer monitor. Our first film was to be Umrao Jaan, a classic movie about courtly life in 19th century. I watched the monitor as Raheem used his two index fingers to type “umrao jaan full,” proceeding to click the very first result Google gave us.

Fortunately, it was an actual full-length upload of the movie in decent quality on YouTube. But Raheem was not a smooth operator on the computer. The slightest pause in the loading of a webpage was met with a torrent of clicks, and I would wonder what the right Urdu conjugations might be for “freeze,” “more,” “if,” “don’t,” “let,” and “load.” When the films Raheem put on depicted romantic touch or violence, he would avert his eyes or skip forward. When a character appeared drunk on screen, he sucked his teeth, turning toward me to shake his head in disapproval.


Class continued in this manner for a few months. Delhi’s summer heat slugged on. I grew tired of the thrice a day cold showers and crippling afternoon torpor, which hit exactly during Raheem and I’s conversations.

Needing to step away, I followed the well-worn path of the Delhi elite, escaping into the nearby Himalayan foothills for a five-day trek in the mountain air. Returning to camp on the last night of the expedition, I felt light, having shed several pounds of pollutants and ghee-laden adipose. I felt liberated from the malaise of my routine, and as I returned to Delhi, I was determined not to let it return.


There is something about communicating in a foreign language that liberates you from the social baggage you accumulate in your own. All that buildup of negative and positive feedback you had received when saying certain things in certain ways, the ensuing familiar patterns of speech you stick close to and only deviate from when you really need someone to get something—this all melts away.

In a foreign language, I’ve felt, you can say bold things and things true to your heart, because you don’t have any history there to freeze you and make you second-guess yourself. Our social instincts ossify in our mother tongue.

The day of my return our normal classroom was occupied, so Raheem and I met in a different bedroom, with a slightly more jaundiced lighting and a tad more AC. In this unfamiliar space, the mountain jaunt having lifted my inhibitions, I tried to realize the possibilities before me.

My note-addled and sun-faded-yellow folder laid on the table between us. He motioned at it, as he had done so many times before, so that I would take out the article we had been working on before my trip. Instead, I asked him if we could talk about something else for a bit before we returned to the syllabus. He quietly nodded.

I pushed my Urdu to its limits. In a conversation that must have appeared to have occurred while I experienced repeated strokes as I struggled to find the right words, I tried to describe my random interests—in the ill-effects of digital technology, the meaning of human flourishing, disenchantment with modernity. Most of this I had hardly spoken to anyone beside myself, even in English.

I paused to give my breath and the straining language centers of my brain a break from what had probably been the longest chain of original thoughts I had spoken in Urdu to Raheem. Raheem had straightened from his characteristic afternoon slouch, his eyes a touch wider than before.

He withdrew the dated smartphone from his pocket and held it out toward me, gesturing at it with his open palm. He closed his eyes and affected a heavy, almost parental headshake of disappointment. He said that he too often thought about how cell phones had corrupted our ability to think; clearly perturbed, he described the many hours his children spent engulfed in video games instead of reading or studying with him. 

I leaned back in my old wooden chair. The facial tension from the novel tongue and throat contortions my Urdu tirade required began to ease. This rare detail of Raheem’s family life was a heartening treat, and I continued.

I knew that Mohammad Iqbal, one of the major proponents of the Pakistan movement and a rockstar Urdu poet, had been influenced by the writings of Nietzsche during his time studying philosophy in Germany.

I suggested we could explore these ideas through his poetry, and Raheem seemed elated. Iqbal, I learned, was his favorite poet.

With the curl of a smile forming at the corner of his lips, Raheem said he would prepare some introductory materials, and two of Iqbal’s most famous poems for us to read in class.


Iqbal’s poems, written in heavily Persianized Urdu, occasionally break into straight Persian for a stanza. After struggling with one of these stanzas for a second and realizing that there was not a single Urdu verb to offer me a buoy, Raheem took one look at it, translated it into Urdu, and then simple English.

“Do you also know Farsi?” I asked. Looking down and to his side he responded, “Just a little.” I had been struggling with the Persian inscriptions on a folio of a bird that had been introduced from South Asia to my home state, and when I later pulled a photo of it up on my phone, he quickly read it for me. We continued, Raheem smoothly alternating between Persianized Urdu and pure Persian.

Iqbal wrote Shikwa amid a crisis among Indian Muslims that began during the Indian Rebellion of 1857 and peaked in the early 20th century as European powers partitioned the impotent Ottoman Sultanate.

Shikwa” means complaint, and the poem is written as a petition to God—a Muslim equivalent to Jesus Christ’s “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”It contrasts the glory of the Islamic conquests and the early Muslims—who spread God’s word and subjugated the non-believers from Cordoba to Bengal—with the decrepit state Indian Muslims found themselves in. How, the speaker asks, had God’s favored people lost his favor and love?

In contrast to the Blue’s Clues-esque articles Raheem used to bring, these poems contained suffering, disillusionment, and triumph, expressed via the chivalrous Persian found in those chronicles commissioned by the Indian Mughal dynasties and Persianate rulers of the past.

In Jawab-e-Shikwa (the complaint’s answer), Iqbal’s speaker decries the moral corruption he sees amongst his fellow Muslims. He laments the triumph of mysticism over material, collective struggle—the sort which had heralded Muslim victories over Byzantium and Persia’s grand Armies, the complete eradication of pre-Islamic religion in Arabia. Only through emulating these early heroes in their day-to-day actions, the poem suggests, would modern Muslims be returned to god’s favor.

As I read aloud, stumbling through a field of novel vocabulary, Raheem nodded, interrupting with stories he felt confirmed the poem’s lessons.

One time, he asked me if I had interacted with any of the caretakers that sit outside Delhi’s Sufi tombs. I had; clad in spotless white clothes, glittering gold jewelry, and fanciful hats that set them apart from the mostly poor shrine attendees, they tried to sell me amulets and solicit large donations. That’s exactly what Iqbal was criticizing! Raheem said. Corruption, the monetization of god’s favor—it was all around us.


One day, I joined Raheem in the common area for a largely silent meal of dal and potatoes. He went to pray namaz while I went into our appointed classroom and fiddled with my phone. He returned and handed me a printout of “Pure Chand ki Raat,” by Indian writer Krishan Chander, in which two former lovers meet in old age under the same full moon and at the same lake that witnessed their youthful tryst.

The poem’s serene rendering of the Kashmiri landscape smacked me upside the head. It was about the circumstances of life that can force lovers to be married off to others, an unsurprisingly common theme in India, where arranged marriages remain the norm.

I asked Raheem Sahab what he thought of love marriages. To my surprise, he did not give the answer I’d heard many times before about the foolishness of youth and the West’s high divorce rates. He seemed comfortable with the concept in theory. Would he be okay with his children pursuing a love marriage? Though he’d like them to keep some conditions in mind, he said, he would ultimately permit his children to pursue love.

In my next lesson, I asked Raheem how he felt about art and musical censorship. Escapism from the duties of life, he said—but he would still sometimes listen to Sufi music on his phone.

Later, we read a story by the legendary writer Premchand contrasting the treatment of a widow and a widower when the two consider remarriage. When I inquired how he felt about the full participation of women in society, Raheem said women should wear hijab, but, especially given the average Indian family’s financial insecurity, he supported women working and participating in society.

We read a newspaper article on a recent flare-up of violence between Muslims and Hindus. There is an idea that merely existing in a non-Muslim society ruled by non-Muslims is a form of impiety in Islam—a fundamental argument for the creation of Pakistan and a question that had long fascinated me.

Raheem near totally disagreed with the sentiment. He was proud to be an Indian citizen and believed, he said, in the importance of all citizens of a country putting their public duties above religious matters. A line of Islamic thought permits Muslims to set aside their normal religious obligations to avoid persecution or harm the sentiments of their non-Muslim neighbors. He would not chastise others for drinking alcohol, for example, nor would he be greatly perturbed to live in a state where its consumption is legal, even though he would never partake himself. And he would extend the same respect to his Hindu countrymen, seeking not to offend their sensibilities through acts like consuming beef.


The more time I’ve spent learning Urdu and soaking up the culture of its community, the more the narrative of its decline feels discordant. The story, I believe, is propagated by a few groups that are either unable to confront evidence to the contrary or for whom the narrative is beneficial.

In the U.S., a small core of South Asian professors bring the narrative of Urdu decline into reading materials, lectures, and class discussion. Of course the language appears to be dead or dying to them. They focus on poets and writers of the language’s bygone golden age, and India’s Urdu publishers are small and even today receive many of their orders and subscription requests through snail mail.

In India, Urdu professors castigated me for not knowing my Ghalib or Faiz better, and seemed trapped in an echo-chamber of appraisals—and reappraisals—of such classics. The Indian cultural elite are happy to amplify and identify with any minority issues that contrast with the past decade of right-wing political domination. With pop culture festivals like Jashn-E-Rekhta, rich founders pitch an effort at “saving the language;” which makes Urdu seem already like a dead, static thing which must be preserved.

Even some Muslim politicians and leaders themselves latch onto the narrative of decline, obsessing over Urdu’s status in education to stir up votes and forge a common Muslim political identity.


One day, as the soft patter of rain outside announced the arrival of the monsoon and relief from summer’s tyranny, Raheem handed me Allah Miyan ka Karkhana, a story by Mohsin Khan about a young boy whose father belongs to a Muslim revivalist organization.

It was to be the first full novel I attempted to read in Urdu. The book’s translation into Hindi won the inaugural Bank of Baroda Rashtrabhasha Samman prize, bringing its author Mohsin Khan 2,100,000 Indian Rupees, around 20 times what a top earner in India would make in a month.

The cash prize had shocked Raheem Sahab, who’d never heard of an Urdu novel receiving such recognition. As I worked through the book with Raheem and Akbar, I asked some Urdu professors, grad students, and general members of the literati what they thought of the book. Most of them had never heard of it. Some said the novel format was alien to Urdu and could basically never be achieved.

But for Raheem, Mohsin Khan had given voice to the many everyday issues that afflict him and other Indian Muslims: Navigating faith and everyday life, struggling with economic hardship, the search for good education for their children. In Raheem’s reservedness, his trouble with technology, and strict piety, I’d seen a sign of ossification and backwardness. But in his own quiet way, I think Raheem is keeping his finger on the pulse of a language alive and well. ▩


Wail

Was his purpose to demonstrate patience? Was he simply afraid to act?

by

D.A. Cairns

Season Categories Published
MP804 Fiction

Jan 23, 2024


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It was a mockery, a scandal; the congregation winced and gasped. She sucked the air from their lungs, fed on their piety like a succubus. The very room seemed itself to shrink, cringing at the wail from the back.

The woman stumbled forward toward the altar, as though physically wounded, fists aloft, then down to beat at her chest.

The priest pressed on but only managed two words before she resumed. He spoke again, and she interjected, and then again. Like this they traded blows for a minute or two.

Whatever the turbulence in his mind, the priest’s countenance remained stoic. Was his purpose to demonstrate patience? Was he simply afraid to act? A well-dressed parishioner rose from the front row and moved cautiously toward the woman. His wife rose to slink behind him and the priest watched from the altar. The intruding woman wailed, beat her breast, jabbered in an unknown tongue.

The husband and wife drew to the wailing woman, extended their hands slightly but did not make a final approach. The priest made a small movement, then froze, then swayed. What would they have him do? Tell her to shut up? Physically restrain her? Frogmarch her out into the darkness?

The woman was not a streaker at a cricket match to tackled, escorted from the ground, slapped with a hefty fine. Nor was she an unruly patron at hotel to be tossed onto the sidewalk. She wasn’t a disruptive child in a classroom, to be sent to the corner or to the vice-principal’s office.

The woman looked at the priest. He acknowledged her with an imploring nod. He lifted his hand, crossed himself, gestured discreetly for her to leave. She stopped, silent. All stared.

The husband and wife again approached. This reignited her passion, and again she began to wail and writhe.

The man and his wife recoiled. The woman marched onward, shrieking, shaking her head, then collapsing in a heap on the steps leading up to the altar.

The priest stepped forward, crouched beside her, reached out tentatively as though she might burn his hand.

The woman’s crying faded to a whimper.

The priest paused, then stood again and resumed his homily from where he left off. The woman lay on the steps for the remainder of the mass. When it concluded, she rose carefully from the floor and walked slowly out through the nearest exit into the balmy night. ▩


The Hero

Nobody knew Mish’s boyfriend. Nobody knew where she was from or where she lived either, which made us pretty much useless when the cops bothered showing up.

Bubbles

by

Corinne Engber

Season Categories Published
MP803 Fiction

Jan 09, 2024


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In the months afterward, I thought of her every time I got high. Which is to say: often, but not as often as everybody else I know. 

Discussion of her bled into every post-close blunt rotation. Sitting on Teddy’s crusty beige carpet, we tried talking about other things—tattoos, girlfriends, how a grill guy two towns over knocked up his teenage coworker—but mentioning work inevitably led either to speculation on her whereabouts or, if we were still too tired or sober, a thick silence. 

We spent weeks like this, whispering on backdoor smoke breaks or crowded three deep in Cheyanna’s dusty backseat on the way to the bars. Local mythology to be chewed over and over like gristle, picked apart beneath clicking lighters by line cooks and burrito rollers whose shifts never overlapped with hers by more than fifteen minutes. As soon as shit started burning, her name was there, in shallow puffs and hums: Creepy Mish. Mish the freak. 

Misha, Misha, Misha.


Mish joined us halfway through her junior year. When pressed, nobody could remember what she studied—the only kid who’d ever shared a class with her at the nearby university no-call no-showed after two weeks—but we were all pretty sure it was something artsy. Or maybe international affairs. Crybaby Elsie insisted she was pre-med, but she also thought the walk-in was soundproof enough to hide her fifty daily screams, so nobody took her seriously.

Anyway, it didn’t really matter. Mish had good weekend availability, had worked at three other chain locations for three previous summers, and turned up showered and on time for both interviews. This was more than enough for the general manager, whose prerequisites for cashiers began and ended with “tits yes, crying no.”

Mish wasn’t a crier, but she didn’t have much in the way of anything else, either. Most of the other cashiers were lean and pretty, sleek from years of volleyball or lacrosse. They wore their hair in high, tight ponytails fed over their hats’ Velcro closures and carried ice buckets from the back with both hands, one at a time. Mish was scrawny and bald as a tea egg, with black fish eyes. She shaved her head well into the winter, hid the stubble and the rest of her inside a ratty hoodie in the cool hours before the doors opened. Months back, a short-lived manager asked why she didn’t just grow it out.

“Because my boyfriend pulls it,” she said casually. Mish was always saying shit like that casually. “Behind.”


She was an all right cashier. Sometimes she’d fuck around with the customers a little too much and eat her foot. Dog somebody out for wearing a Reagan t-shirt, conveniently forget to complete transactions for crustpunks and working moms. Early on, somebody taught her to pad the tip jar with a couple ones on top of a crushed paper cup to make it look full—to a customer, an empty jar was probably empty for a reason—and check the change counter every so often for forgotten coins. 

On Midwest minimum wage, the jar was serious business. Like, the difference between putting a dollar fifty of gas in your car or hoofing it down the side of the highway in the dark serious. Whoever taught her the cup trick also taught her the prettiest, sweetest cashiers made the best money, so she showed up to every closing shift with a brand-new face, plucked and contoured for an hour before the mirror on her bedroom floor. In the summer, when business was slow, she wore tiny shorts, lined bags of chips on the lowest shelf, and bent at the waist to grab them. So obvious, dinner and a show, but it was hard to make fun when we all went home at 1 a.m. five or ten or twenty bucks richer.

She must have needed the money. We all did, but she was the one answering the phones, looking up at bored dads and grads through eyelashes caked thick with mascara. She was the one collecting numbers on brown napkins, scribbled with pens borrowed unasked from the cup beside her register. More than once, we walked together to her beat-up little car in case the guy waiting in the dining room followed her out.

“Your boyfriend can’t pick you up?” I asked her once while we were running trash, holding a dripping bag at arm’s length. Laden with bags of her own, she leapt back from the arc of lime and bean juice as I heaved mine one-handed into the dumpster. Under the streetlights, her eyes looked like painted tunnels.

“No,” she said. “Keep holding that open. I need both hands.”


Nobody knew Mish’s boyfriend. Nobody knew where she was from or where she lived either, which made us pretty much useless when the cops bothered showing up. I remember one of the line guys—Cody? Jody?—was holding an eighth in his jacket for after close, and when the dogs came he pretended to get suddenly squeamish so they would let him into the bathroom to flush it. Like he was just now getting sick over something he’d seen forty minutes ago.

According to Cheyanna, who fucked a lot of cops, the address Mish put on her application was a bust, too. Mish’s roommate hadn’t seen her in weeks and it wasn’t like campus police were gonna sit around staking the place out. City police weren’t either (“Wow, really moving up in the world, Cheyanna. What’s next, the FBI?” said Teddy the grill opener, which earned him a punch) and the trail went cold there. No pings in the system, no checkered past.

“But for real though?” Teddy ashed his cigarette onto the asphalt, breathing clouds. “It’s always the quiet ones. Remember that time we invited her out and she blew into the bong?”

“Oh my god, she did not,” said Crybaby Elsie, who was on keto and eating baby carrots with her mouth open. “What a fucking freak.” Then: “Don’t fuckin’ look at me like that, K.”

I wasn’t looking at her like anything, just smoking at the small and overcast sky. Across the chain-link, the Starbucks drive-thru line stretched long into the adjacent parking lot. Usually, when school was in session, college students trooped between them and us in packs, with a line to both doors from open to close. A positive feedback loop: caffeine to pick them up, burrito to lay them out. Eat, sleep, fuck, get high. Like foxes and dolphins, fighting to placate their oversized brains.

Now, though. Now they were lining up down the street at Wendy’s instead.


The night of the bong incident wasn’t the first time Mish had gone out with us. She’d swung by the bars for a drink once or twice, said something off-color and dipped before last call. Honestly, I’m not even sure Teddy meant to invite her, but she showed up to his place at midnight with her makeup rubbed off all the same. I stepped out for a smoke a couple minutes afterwards and Irish goodbyed when it made my migraine worse instead of better, so everything that happened next was relayed to me later in detail. The setting was easy: Teddy’s greasy apartment. Cheap furniture, dead houseplants. Six people swapping germs on blunts rolled in tropical wrappers. Half an empty two liter floating in the kitchen sink. The bong came around and Mish, who’d been talking incessantly about one of her tattoos, took it by the neck and, with all the confidence in the world, blew the bowl clear across the room. According to Cheyanna, who’d been in the splash zone, a full foot of carpet was drenched in ancient resin.

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Teddy said, half to me and half to the silent figure shoveling ice behind the dish sink the following afternoon, “but that was the funniest shit I’ve ever seen in my life.”

It really wasn’t a big deal. The closers ribbed her for a few days and then Cody-Jody became the new clown for cutting his fingertip off right before an inspection. But Mish didn’t ask to tag along anymore. She still comped meals and dogged out customers, still put herself on display to survive the cavern between paychecks, but the embarrassment stayed on her.

She loved us. I know she did. She’d come back from her break laden with half a dozen Starbucks cups, walk into the back twice after close so she wouldn’t miss anybody doling out tips. “Bonus from the parking lot,” she said once, dropping a twenty into the jar. I remember Cheyanna asked why she told us, why she didn’t just keep it. Mish just blinked those black eyes.

“Why would I do that?” she asked. Sounded like she meant it, too.


What happened was the store had this curved bench that separated the front line from the main dining room. About armpit height on Mish, maybe a little lower on me. Bleached wood on top and on the seat to match the walls, and corrugated steel studded with rivets on the back. A lawsuit waiting to happen, just itching for some kid to trip on his shoelace so it could tear into his cherubic blond skull. A couple feet down, pitted concrete floors smooth from three weeks of Norwalk bleach scrubbing.

We were just starting the dinner rush, 5:45 to 7:15. All us animals sweating behind the sneeze guard and shouting over corporate’s looping playlist of Songs to Kill Yourself To. Mish, trapped at the register for an uninterrupted hour, ready to receive the masses. The first face in arm’s reach.

That evening, I was about ten hours into what was supposed to be an eight-hour shift, with another five, maybe six to go. Too tired and hot to think. Laying meat on autopilot. Barking back calls, watching piles of meat in quarter pans diminish in the reflection of the sneeze guard. Slugging warm Red Bull between breaths and dreaming of the cigarette I’d smoke in exactly thirty-six minutes.

And then some guy walked up to the register. Crew cut, red baseball hat. Indians jersey. Couldn’t tell you anything else.

There’s this funny thing about people. If you see enough of them, you start forgetting you are one. They melt together into a seething, indolent slurry. Not like you, though. You’re different. Under the most specific of circumstances, you actually possess the innate capacity to be a hero. At the last moment, a switch would flip and you’d catch the baby, break up the fight, throat chop the shooter. It would be you.

But it wasn’t. For the next few minutes, we were all useless together.


I saw Mish in the wild exactly once, about a month before that guy put his hands on the counter. With nothing but cornfields and meth labs in every direction, kids got creative and one of the locals had incredibly cool parents. They let him convert their unfinished basement into a venue for bands nobody had heard of, friends three times removed touring flyover states to play crowds of twenty, max. I’d been there since the opener, so close I could smell the amps. Drenched and seeing stars, teeth ringing from the physical force of noise. Sweat and cigarette smoke transfigured the air to living ambrosia.

Mish stood at the edge of the pit by the pebbly merch table. La Croix in one hand, CD folded in a makeshift paper sleeve in the other. She moved like a reed rooted to the lakeshore, rose to her toes, back down in time. Behind her, graffiti climbed to the ceiling in a technicolor halo.

I should’ve said something. Got her attention and pulled her into the crush of bodies. Been the hero. But then it got rowdy again and somebody’s boot heel raked my shin and by the time I thought of her again, it was morning.


What happened was Mish had a bad day. First thirty minutes of her shift, she answered the phone, told the guy on the other line something he didn’t want to hear and then hung up without a word after he shouted “FUCKING CUNT!” loud enough to carry into the kitchen. Then the Gourmand—easily our worst and somehow most loyal regular—appeared, demanding his steak cooked to charcoal briquettes and his salsa sans onion. Must’ve been a full moon because he dug into Mish too, even though hers were probably the only hands that hadn’t touched his flavorless burrito. Outside, it got dark quick and the sky dumped gallons of stinking rain for hours. That meant wrestling slimy anti-slip mats from beneath the soda machine in the moments between customers. By peak, back of house was a sauna. Everybody who came down the line was drenched and pissed and looking for someone to snip at for that tiny power trip.

Mish had just turned away from the register for a second to comment on the half-eaten chicken nuggets she’d just found beneath a table (“Where did they get chicken nuggets from?!”) when he arrived. College boy with his whole life in front of him. He walked up to the counter, waited patiently for Mish to turn around and then, smiling, wrapped an arm around the tip jar.

It was not a subtle move. The jar was a stainless steel cylinder with bills blooming from its mouth. Despite the rush, almost everything inside was small change. Nine bucks, forty-eight cents exactly. Enough for one meal here, if you skipped the drink.

It was ours, though.

What happened next happened fast. Guy turned on his heel to run for the door, but Mish was already around the counter. She caught a fistful of his jersey, Chief Wahoo’s grinning face crushed between her fingers, and he went down. Face-first, with an awful crunch, into the corrugated bench. Coins flew in arcs like rice at a wedding.

He wasn’t screaming, though. Not until Mish got him on his back and pinned his shoulders between her knees. Rice in the treads of her nonslip shoes, a gash through his right cheek opening into flesh like lean, raw pork chop. When he did make noise, it came out sharp—a high squeal between his teeth. 

And Mish didn’t say a word. She just nestled each thumb into the pink corners of his eyes and pushed.

He should’ve been able to fight her off, nearly did until the pain and shock made his muscles seize. Any of us could’ve wrestled her to the bleached floor, but his face was swallowing her thumbs to the knuckle. A wash of brown water, displaced by the weight, rose from the sodden mat beneath them to meet the hot, gelatinous cascade filling his ears. Humid air cut by the sounds coming out of him.

It couldn’t have been more than twenty seconds before Mish pulled her fingers from the pits with a sucking noise. She was breathing with her whole body, dripping black sweat from her eyelashes. Blood covered the first two fingers on both hands. Impossible to tell what covered the thumbs.

Gaze to the floor, she rose and carefully lifted two sodden bills from the growing puddle. Ran a wrist across her forehead. Stepped over the howling body. Silent, she clocked out on the register with one pruning fingertip and left through the back.

Only after the door had closed did anybody think to call the cops.


We never got to ask why she did it. What was going through her mind, what drove her to torpedo her life and disfigure another human being over a pile of spare change. And even if we could, were there words to describe the enormity of her love? Could she even begin without returning to the first instance of herself, without vomiting every living moment in reverse?

How else was she supposed to show us what she meant?


I worked at that location for another eighteen months. We hustled everybody out after the cops left and deck scrubbed the stain best we could, but the foam was still coming up strychnine pink days later. Finally, corporate gave and closed us for a couple weeks to put in new tile. By then, they were training a whole new cohort—ponytails, high-waisted jeans. Vaping mint pods in puffer vests and asking vaguely for details until the GM banned discussion of the event from the store. 

Eventually, they cut my hours and I skipped. College towns get smaller every year, and there are plenty of grills in the world. But I kept seeing ghosts of them, all over the new and unfamiliar city. Someone sitting opposite me on the train with Teddy’s bulldog jaw or Crybaby Elsie’s blue eyes. Cheyanna’s hair, burnt straight and Kool-Aid red, waving like a beacon over the commuter crowd. Once, I even swore the Gourmand sat beside me in a dive bar until he ordered a steak bloody.

And every so often, it’s her. In line at Trader Joe’s, or examining a six-pack through the frosted cooler door. The silhouette of her face in profile. The shorn nape of her neck. A thousand years later and still the thrill goes through me, an ice-in-oil hiss of adrenaline, until I see the rest and remember where I am. Eating, sleeping, getting high. Like foxes and dolphins. Living one animal life in the forest of everyone else. ▩


Zach Bryan Shows the Way

If the drivers passing me on the streets of suburban Washington, D.C. knew what was happening in my Volvo, they would be shocked.

by

Jennifer Beebe

Season Categories Published
MP801 Personal History

Dec 12, 2023


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Who the hell is Zach Bryan? And how did he get access to my soul?

I have spent the last several days playing Zach Bryan’s music in my car. Really just one song, over and over again. Oklahoma Smokeshow. I find it strange that this is the song that I have become obsessed with. I am not from Oklahoma, and I don’t believe anyone would refer to me as a smoke show anymore. I am a 48-year-old mom of two dragging myself through an existential crisis, wondering “how did I get here?”

I am positive if the drivers passing me on the streets of suburban Washington, D.C. knew what was happening in my Volvo, they would be shocked. The song is blaring in my car. Turned all the way up while I am singing, or rather screaming, along.

Which is so bizarre because typically I have to lower the music to make sure I turn down the right road. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve lectured my teenage daughters about the dangers of playing loud music while driving. “For goodness sakes, you won’t be able to hear emergency vehicles!”

But recently, a new version of myself has taken over my SUV. What I am having difficulty understanding is, why? What is it about this song that it must be kept on repeat to and from tennis practice? Or is it Zach Bryan? His voice does reach my soul. I am aware that this is a corny thing to say, but OMG, it’s true.

I don’t know much about him. I do know he’s too young for me to be fantasizing about. Yet here I am, dreaming of him strumming his guitar and singing to me on a deserted beach in Mexico by a bonfire. Singing to me all night long. I promise that is where it ends. Which is even more confusing to me and solidifies my belief that it is in fact about the music, not the man.

I love the rasp in his voice. It pierces through me. I love that he sounds like he really, really means what he is singing about. I feel he’s singing only to me.

But why this song and not others? I can’t remember the last time I felt the need to play a song again and again. In my early twenties, my roommate and I were passengers in her boyfriend’s car for a two-hour road trip. He played Fly by Sugar Ray the entire drive. I found it rude and frankly, absurd. What a loser. Move on to the next song, please.

Now, I find I can’t move on either. Oklahoma Smokeshow was on repeat on the way to the grocery store today. On the way home, I was annoyed when my daughter called, interrupting my favorite verse, the one I have been anticipating for the past minute and a half.

When I got home, I took out my phone and asked Google why this is happening to me. It turns out, there are several reasons scientists have found to explain why people listen to a song on a loop. It has been studied! 

“When we listen to music—which is by nature repetitive anyway—it releases a high, a rush of dopamine in our brains that we’re immediately drawn to replicate until we die (or hate the song we’re playing),” music professor Peter Vurst told Noisey. Ok, so I can add this to my list of dopamine enhancers, below my glass of wine and pickleball. Interesting. But this doesn’t quite ring true for me. So I keep reading and learn that according to psychologist Dr. Audrey Tang, “A song that we know well can bring us comfort through its predictability.” I love predictable, very much.

But it wasn’t until I started reading Dr. Alice Honig’s insight that things began to make sense. “Because music is so tied to our emotions,” she says, “the song you’re listening to might be getting you through a rough time, or even helping you get more in touch with what you’re feeling.” Dr. Honig goes on to suggest, “When you listen to a song over and over again it can help you do reflective listening to think, What are some of my feelings that this one is helping me get in tune with?”

I decide to revisit my favorite verse of my new favorite song, and try to understand the emotions tied to it. I realize by the last line there is a lump in my throat. Suddenly, I get it. I’ve lost touch with myself. Life has become so busy with motherhood, and keeping up with the neighbors. Now that things have slowed down, my body is reminding me that I have neglected my dreams.

She used to play in the yard

and she would dream of one day

Until the world came around

and took her dreaming away

Told her how to dress and act

and smile

When I hear these lyrics, an image of myself as a kid appears, wearing my favorite t-shirt that had the words Anything Boys Can Do, Girls Can Do Better, printed on it along with a photo of Pebbles from the Flintstones roasting s’mores. I have mentioned this shirt many times in my life, but I have been the only one who remembers it. My mom suggested I made it up. But low and behold, at my Uncle Phil’s funeral last year, amongst all the family photos he collected, and my cousins displayed, there I was wearing the shirt during one of his trips to Arizona.

The girl in the photo believed that she could do anything. She kept up with the boys on bikes after school. She participated in tarantula races, one time picking the fastest spider. She helped build forts and loved to play dodgeball. Where did she go? And more importantly, where can I find her now?  

I must have left her in Arizona. Yet when I moved to the East Coast at age 23, alone, knowing no one, I did feel free. I had a basement apartment in a decent neighborhood, the bathroom door didn’t shut all the way, and I found cockroaches in the cupboards. But it was mine.

There was a bus stop a block away that dropped me off at the front door of the office building I worked in

My future husband worked in the same office building. We met a couple weeks before he moved offices and began dating seriously. We were engaged less than a year later, married a year after that. I was teaching at a charter school when I first got pregnant. My husband and I did the math, and my salary would be comparable to daycare or a nanny. It made financial sense for me to stay home, and, hey, I majored in Child Development, I should be good at this!


Listening to Zach Bryan, I wonder if I can find a grown-up version of the girl in the photo? A woman so sure of herself. Who says “yes” to any adventure, naughty or not. I’ve held onto life so tightly the past two decades. I’ve wanted to do everything right with my kids, probably to a fault. Definitely at the expense of my little inner warrior: The girl with the yellow BMX bike, who didn’t care about appearances or what others might think of her crooked bangs.

I prepared myself for the grief I would encounter when my daughters left for college. But what no one told me was the day my youngest child became a licensed driver, I would be out of a job. My driving services became disposable. There was no more time for breakfast; she would hit Starbucks on the way to school. Meanwhile, dinner died a slow death at the hands of DoorDash. I am not needed anymore. I wonder if other people are wondering what I’m doing with myself these days. Sometimes I wonder, myself.

I’ve been living my life for others the past 20 years, hyper-focused on my two daughters’ needs and desires. I now have the opportunity to take advantage of the freedom embodied by the girl in the photo, but I am searching for permission to use it. I feel ashamed sleeping past 7 a.m. and filling my days with yoga, tennis, and pickleball. When my husband asks me what I am doing today, I feel indulgent listing off my self-improvement “to-do” list as he heads to work.

Scrolling through social media recently, I read an inspirational quote by Rumi that said, “Respond to Every Call That Excites Your Spirit.” I think he’s referring to the feeling you get on a roller coaster. Why does that seem like such a novel idea to me? The exciting things this life has to offer, I’ve been ignoring. I’ve looked away from the signals my body has been sending to follow my dreams. It took listening to a song at least a hundred times for me to pay attention. 

Planning a pilgrimage to the Camino de Santiago, I find the roller coaster feeling. Walking for days in silence, while connecting with nature and God is exciting to me. The inner warrior jumps up and down when I start researching the trip. My heart beats faster imagining arriving at the small inns along the way, rewarded with Spanish food and wine after traveling twenty miles a day on foot. I can hear Zach Bryan’s voice whispering (platonically) in my ear to book the trip.

This past year, I lost my breasts and a best friend to the same disease. To heal, I plunged into therapy, acupuncture, reiki, yoga, and meditation. These efforts toward spiritual awakening have been instrumental in getting me through my day-to-day struggles. But it is a song that brought me the revelation I’ve been seeking. The girl in the photo knew that waiting for permission was futile, and now, so do I. Thank you Zach Bryan. I hope to see you in Mexico soon. ▩


Me and My Hernia

Imagine every time you stand up, an aimless, drifting organ spills out of a hole in your waist, beckoned outward by gravity.

by

Nadir Ovcina

Season Categories Published
MP710 Personal History

Aug 29, 2023


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“Do you mind if I examine the area?” 

I do mind. Never had I allowed anyone to gaze upon my hernia, myself included. I spent years trying to pretend that it wasn’t there, rubbing my loofah with shut eyes in the shower. Up to now, an argument could be made that the hernia and its associated discomfort was all in my head. Before I consent and unzip, I sigh, knowing it is about to be established as an existing thing. I expose myself. Doc reaches down, gloved. 

“Woah… Is that the hernia?”

This reaction, I was not expecting. From the moment I resigned myself to this appointment, I told myself that the doc would agree with what I had always assumed: “This hernia is a mild case, you don’t need surgery, you just need X, or a diet of Y.” This vision kept me sane, patient, and steadfast as I counted down the days to our consultation. 

“That’s your hernia? It’s so close to your testicles. How painful is this?”

“Quite. And unrelenting.”

“I would recommend surgery. There really is no alternative.”

“God damn it.” 

Not only did medical care seem “soft,” the thought of being cut and transforming into a cyborg petrified me.

Lately though, I’ve realized that life with my hernia is not fulfilling. I’m happiest when I’m prone, alone, able to put my palm down my undies and massage. Any task involving movement, or standing, is a burden. Hiding my wincing face is a full-time gig.  If an operation is my only route to a future guaranteeing no more of this, I guess I should commit. “…OK.”

He asks when I first experienced the hernia. 

I fear the genuine answer could disqualify me from state-sponsored surgery, so I rely on geopolitics, recite my script.

“Yeah, uhh, I lived in China for like, three years. I don’t know how much concrete dust, glass dust, second-hand smoke I inhaled indoors, but I was coughing gnarly one day, and my gut suddenly plopped out.” 

He refers me to Dr. Li, a real whiz, he assures me, with “minimally invasive” surgery.

Hearing “minimally invasive” eased my overactive imagination, but a potential Chinese surname made me quiver. Could I keep a straight face? Could I be consistent and continue scapegoating the People’s Republic to the surgeon who would have the power to fix me, for free?


Weeks pass. I reluctantly chastise Red China as I meet my potential healer, Dr. Li, deciding it’s best not to deviate from the testimonial already in my medical records. He tells me frankly that the Oregon Health Plan doesn’t usually fund hernia repairs.

I’m surprised. For the past two years, I’ve been committed to working shit jobs just so that I could stay below the income threshold necessary to qualify for the public health plan; a queer peer at the pot shop, my first minimum wage role, told me that “The Plan” had paid for their “top op.” 

Hearing Dr. Li’s news, I’m also relieved; I’ve avoided the scalpel.

“However,” Dr. Li goes on—“look. When I wink, I want you to say ‘yes.’” He starts typing. “Do you experience pain during bowel movement?” Wink. 

It isn’t necessarily excruciating to shit. Awkward? Absolutely. But painful? “Yes?” 

“Great answer.” This charade continues, and it becomes clear that he’s giving me the answers to a quiz meant to sway Salem, Oregon bureaucrats. Still, Dr. Li is not really goading me into embellishing symptoms of my affliction, but rather encouraging me to recognize its reality—and the fact my years spent downplaying its effects has reflected a distinct sickness of its own.

“Do you experience suicidal ideations?” Wink. 

As we finish the test, I’m not sure how to feel, having my case pre-approved in such a way. Yes, I have been an Oregon taxpayer for years. Yes, I dread most aspects of my day thanks to my hernia. And yes, I spend a majority of sober thoughts directed at it, wishing it would heal, or disappear, imagining life without it. 

Still, I earned my out through deceit. And I feel shame for having sought help.

“How have you managed these past five years?” Dr. Li asks. 

My hernia was easy to hide. As long as I wore pants, there was no visible bulge. 

“No, I’m asking how you were able to function with your condition.”


Conduct the following experiment. Place your right hand on top of your pelvis, below the belly button, above the genitalia, and create a claw. You should have a cage fit for a water balloon. Imagine every time you stand up, that space is filled by an aimless, drifting organ, spilling out of a hole in your waist, beckoned externally by gravitational force. Picture picking up something that you dropped on the floor. Bending over 90 degrees would choke that loose gut, sandwiching it between your abs and leg, panini-style. 

It started long ago, when I was an undergrad senior frat boy. I took a fat bong hit. Coughing with  vigor, I ripped a hole through my muscles. “What the fuck?,” I asked myself, stoned. I was hesitant to say anything aloud, partly because I didn’t want to harsh the vibe of the circle.

I forced a cough to see if I could repeat the anomaly I’d just felt, something inside slipping, sliding around. It happened again, and again, but I decided to stay silent. I could feign mobility, plus I’d just gotten accepted to teach in China. I was a philosophy major, there was no need to jeopardize post-grad plans. 

I omit this prologue as I explain my MacGyvered solutions to Dr. Li.

“How did I manage? In China, I would lecture seated by my podium. I would navigate campus with my right hand in my pocket, camouflaging the fist I’d form to act as a makeshift dam.

Anglo colleagues would invite me to “hang,” “travel,” “xplore,” but I knew that on any such adventure I would be constantly distracted, fixated on the eventual prospect of sitting, tempted by every bench, stoop, or floor.

Admit that my preference to remain cooped in my apartment was a result of a lump near my balls? No. My go-to excuse was that I was “flexing my austerity,” reveling in my savings. I preferred to lie, on my sectional. Thankfully, that reason coincided with my reputation for being a poor person, so my behavior wasn’t suspicious.

I returned to America, the pandemic hit and I became an essential worker. As a budtender eager to earn tips, I employed schtick. But the problem with laughter was that it was just as painful as a cough. Both physical actions pushed my organ ever outward.

I would joke with customers, waist intimately glued to my cash register. Maneuvering my guts into place with my hand in my pants and then adhering myself to my station—this blocked my internals from oozing out, but I was also cognizant that eventually I’d have to disembark and grab whatever the customer wanted.  

Part of my rationale for working in the cannabis industry as long as I did came from an optimistic faith in “natural healing.” I was constantly high at work. My most reliable med was Rick Simpson Oil (RSO), a concentrated, edible paste of pot that came in a syringe. Its namesake claimed to have survived cancer through a regimented diet of said “oil.” Rick was an inspiration. RSO did help me cope. 

And even though the measly salary of being a legal drug dealer automatically enrolled me into the Oregon Heath Plan, I was convinced this hernia was solvable with enough solventless RSO. After more than a year though, I concluded that this was not. When the company I worked for revoked employee freedoms to choose what music was played in-store, I gave my two-weeks.

“Then I sought another job that would pay minimum wage, so as to keep the option of surgery open.”

“Interesting.” Is Dr. Li condescending to me? Or am I part of a pattern?

“I saw an opening for a pizzeria,” I continued. “In my mind’s eye, I imagined free physical therapy, getting paid to lift sacks of flour and squatting to reach cold plates. ‘Perhaps all the exercise will strengthen the area surrounding the hernia, thereby allowing my hole to heal!’”

No. Working in a restaurant with a hernia was the most horrid era of my life. The dumbest decision, an onslaught of agony, one that my arrogance justified for far too long. Each task seemed tailor-made to strangulate my intestines. Coworkers became concerned about my endocrine system, since I requested a bathroom-break every half hour.  Little did they know that I spent the approximate duration of a typical male’s urination prone on the tiles of our pizzeria’s pisser, palm over pelvis, pushing my organ back. This ritual reminded me what it felt like to be free of sharp needles nestled near my balls, to feel whole for a few seconds before I’d have to stand and pretend and power through the rest of my shift. 

By the last ticket, I would be so happy, knowing that I’d done it, even if I would have to waddle to my car. I reverted to my budtender-era band-aids—trust Rick Simpson—only this time, I received no employee discount. Still, I took a silent pride knowing that I did a great job, and no one knew what I endured to achieve it. Those lazy coworkers of mine, unwilling to lug the tons of refuse out, I sure showed them!

“What did you show them?” Dr. Li asks.


After nine long months, I sought an office job, figuring sitting at a desk would help my hernia naturally heal. 

My cells rejoiced at the thought of a comfy 9-5 environment, where they could begin the laborious task of rebuilding my intestinal walls while I sat statically on a rolly chair. 

I forgot that, no matter how motionless my occupational duties were, I still had to depart my cubicle occasionally, to urinate. Standing forced my organ outward, and it instantly breached and undid any fledgling, patchwork repairs my body had achieved. Since the office restroom could accommodate multiple users, the only time I could privately lie would be during my state-mandated break. Forgoing food, I’d drive-thru a remote lot, park, recline my seat, rub, and pray no prying eyes assumed I was a pervert. 

I thought stuffing a sock in my undies would plug the wound, act as a cast. I worked with a conspicuous bump under my khaki zipper that was impossible to explain away. The optics of these desperate coping mechanisms were not good. And finally, when nothing achieved results, and when I realized I’d worked this higher-pay office job almost long enough to mean that I’d have to switch from the Oregon Health Plan to something called “private care,” I called to schedule the initial appointment.

“I see.” Dr. Li says. “Are you familiar with the logistics of a hernia repair?”

“I’d rather not be.”

“It’s quite simple. All I do is cut you here and here, inflate your belly button, stick some tools down your…”

“No thanks.”

“You’re not curious?”


“Hello Nadir? Yes, I am calling from Dr. Li’s office. The bureaucrats approved your operation! Can we schedule it for early in the morning, July 2nd?”

“It’s happening? Oh god. Ok, I’ll be there. Just to confirm, I don’t have to pay anything?”

With a week to go until my operation, I get a package in the mail. Gel and plastic gloves. I am told to bathe with this antibacterial soap the evening prior and morning of my surgery. 

During the latter shower, I confront my hernia. Attempting to look down at my right foot, all I see are toenails. Blocking my view is what looks like a surgically inserted tennis-ball above my nether-regions. This hernia was never the sort of disfigurement that might arouse erotic passions; it remained just an ugly bump that made slurping noises as it sloshed about. I poke it. 

My blessed roommate drives me to the hospital at 5 a.m. I’m in agony. I was told to refrain from nicotine and marijuana 24 hours prior to the operation. In the lobby, every other patient is sitting. I pace, in a loop. A nurse leads me to my suite and tells me to change. 

I stare at the gown I should don, and I consider backing out. Once I put it on, I’m officially a patient, ready to prostrate. Mid-thought a nurse walks in. 

“Why haven’t you changed?” 

That tone? She’s not messing around. I fall into autopilot, and choose to follow orders until I am restored. 

“Yes ma’am! Question. When do I get to get drugged?”

“Soon. First you need to strip.”

I lay on my portable bed, dressed for the occasion, and dig my fingernails into its plushy handrails. I wonder if taxpayers will be responsible for the damages. Dr. Li comes in, says hi. The anesthesiologist follows. He’s wearing a jade pendant. God damn it.

 “So… you got your hernia in China by…” My anaesthesiologist checks the file “…breathing?” 

“Yes. Question. When do I get drugged?”

Some whitecoat wheels me into the operating room. I feel emasculated. This is not dignified! I want to tell him “It’s fine! I can walk!” But the ride is kind of fun too, the lights above look nice. I think I finally got drugged.

The operating room? Freezing. All sorts of machines beep. I roll sausage-like onto a more stable recliner, and place my head on an orange jelly pillow, looking at a buzzing light above. Someone tells me to relax, and then I open my eyes somewhere else, aware that something occurred down there.

Instinctively, I reach while asking, “Are my balls ok?”

“Your balls?” There’s a new nurse. “Yes, everything was successful.” 

At home, prone on the couch, I can’t sit up. I parachute food into my mouth. 

“Take the painkillers they prescribed,” my roommate suggests.

“No. I want to feel the evolution of my condition, study it. Hand me some edibles though.”

Agony persists. I call Dr. Li’s office, and tearfully ask, “Are you sure the surgery worked?”

A nurse responds. “Yes. To reiterate, everything was successful.”

“Then why am I crying?”

“Many people feel vulnerable post-op. Your body was factually violated. Take it easy this week!”

I can’t follow her advice. My mom is going on a weekend getaway and asked me to chaperone her in-laws and service dog. She’s had no idea of my affliction. 


Months pass. Now an employee for my alma mater, I move back to the city where my hernia began. I walk around town in the evenings, smiling with my newfound capabilities. I still brace myself when I bend over, yet I seem to forget that I now have a mesh net or something that’s like, stapled, or stitched around the hole. Nothing leaks. There is no gut to panini. 

I meet with my former philosophy professor, now emeritus, at the brunch restaurant he goes to every morning. He tells me about his hernia before he orders his usual. I ask the waitress for bottomless black.

“No Way! I’m writing an essay on my former hernia!” I say. I tell him about it.

“You spent years pretending that you were alright, proving that you were stronger than your affliction, but for whom?” my professor asks, laughing.

“Who was I trying to impress?”

“Sure, who were you performing for?”

“Apart from myself? No one. And that’s the weird part. I always pictured my struggle as something noble. I was proud, but because no one knew what I was going through internally, my actions never could achieve the esteem I assumed they deserved. Maybe God noticed.”

“Is this a Balkan thing? Suffering silently, seething that your toils aren’t recognized?”

I remember that my mom and I only learned about her mother’s cancer when the hysterectomy was done, remission conclusive. While my hernia and I were still together, I would drive to my mom’s to cook and clean. She was always very grateful, and I doubt she would have allowed me to continue helping if she knew about my gaping hole. Perhaps a Balkan thing. 

My professor nods and munches, giggling. He finds it odd that I watch him eat, that I don’t join in, but when his daily migos (sub hashbrowns for beans) lands, all I can think about is how I could recreate the same dish for a pittance.

I tell my professor about the time, as a high schooler, I played my first game of tackle football—  and I sprained my wrist. 

“The following day,” I say, “I pleaded with my father to take me to the doctor, since I couldn’t lift a pillow. He told me to ‘wait.’ I had a vague understanding that our insurance was ass, so I didn’t push, but eventually, when I couldn’t do my chores, he realized that I wasn’t faking it.”

An X-ray revealed I had a hairline fracture. I was given a sling and some oxycodone, and told to schedule a follow-up for a proper cast. I never did, and while my wrist sometimes aches, I’m fine. If Oregon did not have its health plan for the impoverished, I honestly believe that I would have carried my hernia to my deathbed. I’d rather be “fine” than in debt. 

My professor has finished his migos, and he cackles.

He says there is something bizarre about my story. It made sense to him that I refused surgery in China. “But the following half, while you worked your so-called shit jobs…salvation was a phone-call away. You knew you wouldn’t have to pay anything. In fact, it seems like that health plan was a key aspect of your calculus for remaining poor.”

He went on. “I see a perverse logic. You were rational enough to keep the possibility of surgery open, but not enough to commit to the operation, which, I suspect, you implicitly recognized as your sole solution.”

And it was. I consider how I’m sitting, without any nagging discomfort, without my hand in my pants, and marvel at modern medicine. 

“So I have to ask, how will you know if you learned anything from this ordeal?”

I have no answer, so we do an awkward shoulder-to-shoulder hug and I walk home. The fact that he laughed at my story is good. This isn’t a survivor’s tale, it’s ridiculous. I can laugh too, after the fact. I took pride in my suffering, refused help, and now I wish for that to be mocked. Hopefully the embarrassment of exposure will goad me into growing. ▩


Ann Pancake’s Appalachia

The novelist discusses the abused mythologies of coal country—and the space between documentation and creation.

by

Edward A. Dougherty

Season Categories Published
MP709 Q&A

Aug 15, 2023


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The first time I came across Ann Pancake’s fiction was a live reading. I didn’t go to hear her. I’d never even heard of her or her books. But once Ann started reading one of the stories from Given Ground, her prize-winning debut collection, I was stunned. I might have actually gaped. Every aspect of good writing was on full display—distinctive characters negotiated great challenges with full and flawed humanity. But what got me to literally skinch to the front of my seat was her language. Remarkably fresh and vivid, Pancake’s stories ride on the power of a human voice. I couldn’t believe how embodied her images were, how authentically her characters talked. I didn’t think she could sustain such edgy writing. But she did and does.

Years later, I was asked to give a library talk about a novel that included Appalachian coal issues. I reviewed the assigned title but concluded that “If you want to read a great book about West Virginia and coal country more generally, read Ann Pancake’s Strange As This Weather Has Been.” To me, Ann’s book sets the standard for what a novel can do.

Around 2016, I emailed Ann. I wanted to discuss the Appalachian themes and locations in her latest collection, Me and My Daddy Listen to Bob Marley, and the complicated political narrative about West Virginia that has asserted itself, madly, in recent years. Our phone conversation ranged as though we were old friends. I refined the transcript for a book I was writing. But political conversations during the Trump administration and since caused me to ask her if she’d be willing to have the interview published. We both refined it by email once again.

Ann grew up, was educated, and worked as an activist in West Virginia, and long after she moved to the West Coast, she continued to write about her homeland. Now, back in Morgantown, she is working to articulate new possibilities for a region and world that must swiftly reimagine its place in nature. In our conversation—which has been edited for clarity and concision—Pancake and I discussed her intuitive writing process, the deep-rooted and much-abused myths of Appalachia, and the difference between documenting reality and creating it anew.


Do you keep to a schedule?

I get right to work when I get up, and I put in about two hours of work five days a week as long as my teaching responsibilities are not too heavy that week. Inevitably, I eventually get depleted, and I have to not-write for a week or so. But for the most part, I try to write almost daily. 

If I’m depleted, I read fiction or poetry that replenishes me and makes me want to write again. Or I go for a hike. Being out in the woods is the best remedy for when I feel depleted.

When I talk about my research in the creative process with people who don’t consider themselves artists, they are most interested in the A-ha experience. But I’m really interested in the stage in the process that precedes the breakthrough or insight.

Well, I think a lot of the preparation or immersion for me may be more unconscious. The A-ha moment comes first. The hard work part is later, when I’m revising so that what the A-ha moment generated is comprehensible to an audience without losing all of the original raw energy. It’s really important to create the mind space, when I first start in the morning, to shift from an intellectual approach. I don’t write from ideas. I write from sound, image, or character.

Can you say more about starting from sound?

It’s a kind of percussive beat, a rhythm.

Do you listen to music while you write, to stimulate that sense of rhythm?

No. I prefer it to be quiet. External music interferes with the internal music I’m hearing. It makes it hard for me to tap into the intuitive thinking and feeling that creates the art.

Your imagery is so embodied. For example, in the novella that begins your latest book, Me and My Daddy Listen to Bob Marley, the main character’s feeling is described this way: “Shame geysered through Janie again, as deep and shuddery as grief. And then, it was grief.” Does the perception arise first and then you find the language, or vice versa?

Well, I start with the character and how that character is feeling. I try to feel in my body how that character would have an experience, and then I write the image or description for it.  

You used the term “intuitive.” I’d like to hear how that feels to you or how you work that way.

It feels to me like I’m tapping into a part of my mind that isn’t intellectual and isn’t conscious, and I think that part of the mind is linked into a more universal kind of mind. I don’t mean the collective unconscious, the way Jung uses it, but more sort of a higher consciousness—probably “higher” is the wrong word because it’s a consciousness that pervades all the natural things in the world.

So we participate in a way of knowing that’s not distinctively our own, personally, but our own as a species.

Yeah, that’s well put.

You mentioned how taking a hike or being in the woods helps you tune into that more. How did you discover that way of knowing?

Ummm. I think I discovered it. When I started writing stories with a voice that was distinctively my own, I gradually became aware that it was connected to West Virginia, and probably connected to the speech in West Virginia, but it’s also connected to the land in West Virginia. As I wrote more and realized that most of my work had to be rooted there, and as I lived in a lot of different places in the world and wasn’t able to hear the stories as easily, I realized that they’re probably related to the land in West Virginia.

The researcher David W. Galenson examined the life cycles of artists, revealing two general types, the “Seekers” and the “Finders.” Seekers, epitomized by Paul Cezanne, have a vague but compelling goal or vision that generally exceeds their skill, materials, or methods. Their growth tends to be incremental as they continue to gain more and more from their attempts, but they also feel like they are failing or not reaching their goals. Finders, on the other hand, communicate discoveries they’ve found, and so they can more quickly explore methods or materials to express them. They tend to plan more thoroughly because they have a clearer sense for what they are after. Picasso is Galenson’s type for this, but I think of Miles Davis as well, having many “periods” over the course of their work. Does this speak to your process?

I very much identify as a “Seeker.” My vision far exceeds my capabilities, which is constantly frustrating, and I think my growth has indeed been incremental. I pretty much never start a project with a plan, never have a clear sense of where the project is going. Actually, if I did know where it was going from the beginning, I think I’d get bored as I created it. When I wrote Strange As This Weather Has Been I had to deliberately plan for the first time, but I didn’t even do that until I’d written a good 75 pages of the book. The stories in Given Ground were written entirely through inspiration. They were written over the course of fifteen years, and I only wrote one when I heard it come into my head.

Those stories are shorter than your more recent work, too.

I couldn’t sustain a longer work at that time. But when I did the novel—I didn’t intend to write a novel, didn’t think of myself as a novelist. But as I got into the issue of mountaintop removal, I realized that it’s so complex that I needed more space to deal with it. But I was never very good with plot, so I had to figure that out. And then I returned to short stories. The novella In Such Light was my first one, and I was still trying to figure out how to work again at the scale of the short story.

Oh, so the topic of the novel indicated the form. And then you needed to learn how to write in that form, and that shifted your methods?

Something like that, yeah. With the novel, you can’t work entirely by inspiration, on intuition, unless you have decades to write it or you are a genius, which I’m not. So with the novel, I had to learn how to plot, how to structure, and how to write the book steadily without losing what is alive about it.  

Intuition is hit and miss; you can’t really control it. And so, with the novel, in order to finish it, because it was such a long piece, I needed to figure out how to deliberately generate inspiration. Or deliberately put myself into a more intuitive zone to access the material, which I didn’t do with the short stories because I just waited for them to arrive.

Did you find ways that put you in that zone easier?

Yeah, there are a lot of different techniques, but a big part of it was just writing at the same time every day, and tapping in that way, and part of it was just re-engaging with pieces that I had already written to move me back into that writing zone or that way of listening. And then there was having to learn the difference between being depleted or being bored; when I was just being lazy, or when I genuinely needed to take time away from it and let the well refill; and what activities were the most replenishing, so that I could return in a week or two and continue to work on it intuitively.

And the other thing I had to learn was not to be so precious or not to be so wed to the idea that only the stuff that came hyper-intuitively was the good material in the book; there were sections that I just had to deliberately make it up, and I would think they were weaker than other sections. But when you pull it all together, the reader doesn’t necessarily recognize the difference between the stuff that felt more God-given and the stuff I was making up on my own.

Most artists talk about learning to craft our materials, but some of these lessons are really about how do I shape my life and the choices that are presented to me in order to facilitate the work? Does that make sense to you?

Oh, absolutely. I think my whole adult life has been trying to figure out ways to create a life where I can actually write almost every day. And there are a lot of sacrifices that one makes, or can make. I mean, security, health insurance, retirement. When I’m not writing, I’m not happy. So not-writing is not really an option, and I have to figure out how to make enough money to live on and still be able to write really consistently, or I get depressed.

That’s exactly what I intuited for my own life, but we decided not to have children.

I decided that too. That was a deliberate decision that was very based on wanting to be a writer. I grew up with five little brothers and sisters, and I know what it is to raise kids. I love kids, but I knew what it does to your privacy and your time and your quiet, and all that, so I was really aware of that. I also made decisions about graduate school. I didn’t want to go into debt, so I postponed graduate school and worked for five years before I went.

[SECTION BREAK]

There’s been a great deal of national commentary about coal country, as a political force and as an overlooked constituency. You’ve engaged directly and powerfully with those issues in your work, presenting them with a great deal of complexity. One aspect I’m interested in is how the current political talk leaves out the nuance of the local, like you describe in the story “The Arsonists,” where they’re burning out people’s houses. [The story revolves around a rural West Virginia town, already ravaged by the coal industry, where arsonists are lighting up buildings; the characters seem powerless to stop either process.]

Of course, the coal industry is one of the state’s largest employers. One amazing line captures the complex coal politics. The residents were recording video to document the burned-out houses. You wrote, “A few people even videotaped it, back when some believed that bearing witness could make a difference.”

That says so much about both the scope of the injustice and the entrenchment of the powers that seem to be aligned against the regular people.

For me, that’s a really important line, so I’m really grateful that you noticed it.

This echoes the story of Lace in Strange as This Weather Has Been who goes from a hometown girl with dreams of getting away from West Virginia to a mother and wife of a coal miner. Later in the novel, she becomes more active in opposing the coal industry, which causes a rift in her marriage, but this line is saying, “Even if you make that really hard intellectual and emotional and social journey to be more active, there is a wall because it won’t make any difference anyway.”

Well, yeah, yeah. I have really complicated thinking around that, but yeah. Yeah.

In terms of the larger conversation about the politics of coal and bringing back those jobs, President Trump declared that he’s listening to people, like coal miners and their families. But having grown up there and having roots there still, you’ve been listening for a lot longer.

Oh, I could talk for several hours about this, but … okay … I think America’s perception of Appalachia is a very old and very entrenched mythology. I don’t think it’s real. There’s an enormous amount of evidence and scholarship on that. And usually, the region serves a purpose, rhetorically or mythologically or ideologically, as it has served a purpose materially, literally because we have provided the coal to power the East Coast since the industrial revolution. So the narrative that blames Appalachia for Donald Trump (who is a product of New York) is just another iteration.

It’s a very sensitive subject for me.

I see West Virginia as a scapegoat. This is not to say that West Virginia doesn’t have racism; it certainly does, and homophobia, and other extremely disturbing qualities. West Virginia also made a very bad decision, twice, about who they elected as president. However, many, many other people and other places are just as racist and homophobic and voted twice for a horrific individual to lead this country.  

It’s pretty common knowledge that West Virginia and Appalachia have long provided the United States with natural resources. It’s less known that West Virginia and Appalachia have just as long provided the United States with discursive resources, by which I mean, narratives about Appalachia have been used to shape issues on the national political scene since the 1800s. For example, in the late 1800s/early 1900s, when there was hysteria in metropolitan areas about immigrants from Southern and Eastern Europe, the American imagination turned to Appalachia and proclaimed it a reservoir of Anglo-Saxon pure white blood. This wasn’t true, but it was part of the dominant American narrative at that time, a way for America to think about itself, explain itself, even comfort itself.

A different narrative of Appalachia was used by Johnson during the War on Poverty. And now yet another narrative about Appalachia is used to explain why people voted for Trump—even though Trump has followers everywhere. This is really hard, Edward, because I could go on and on.

You should! Go ahead.

I’ll just say one more thing about this and I’ll go back to the videotaping.

I believe that many mythologies of Appalachia help people avoid looking at their class privilege. If Appalachia is responsible for its own misery because its people are dumb, lazy, uneducated, then we—people who are not working-class or poor—don’t have to admit our own complicity in that misery. Class privilege depends on some people not having class privilege. The fact that we “have” is dependent on some people not having, on some people sacrificing, whether they want to sacrifice or not. And some of those people see in Donald Trump…not a savior, I don’t think that’s it. I think they see in Donald Trump revenge, a vehicle for their fear and their rage, and a last-ditch attempt to hold onto the one identity position that still gives them a sense of power: their whiteness.

Working-class and poor white people don’t want to look at their race privilege. But a lot of white middle-class, upper-middle-class, and upper-class people sure don’t want to look at their class privilege. If we explain Appalachia through popular mythologies that essentially blame the victim, then only Appalachians are responsible for the devastation in the region. But our region has been devastated, sacrificed, so other people can have stuff, basically. Yeah, we here in Appalachia are also complicit in the destruction. But most of the destruction has always been so people who don’t live here can have what they want to have without living with any of the collateral damage.

So, back to “when some believed that bearing witness could make a difference.” That’s just my personal experience of being an activist in West Virginia for a long time. I mean, the line in the story is a little bit of an exaggeration. Obviously, people have become more educated about mountaintop removal and other forms of environmental devastation in Appalachia. But it seems this has not made a difference at the federal level or the state level.

I hate to say this because people have worked so hard, and we’ve made these tiny gains under Obama, but teeny, teeny tiny. And the reason coal is now going to go under, it doesn’t have to do with activism, per se. Coal is declining for economic reasons, like the explosion of natural gas production.  

So I feel very frustrated about it. But what I want to do in my work, and what I want to encourage other West Virginians to do, is start thinking more about how we create something new instead of just documenting the badness. I mean, we’ve documented the hell out of it. So what I’m focusing on is how do we move past documentation because it has not brought salvation. Now my question is, how do we see, amongst the ruins here in West Virginia, opportunities for re-creation? I see West Virginia as having undergone the kind of destruction that is imminent in a lot of other places in the United States if we stay our present course. So how we resurrect ourselves here can be a model for how other places do that. We’re still in trouble here and we have an extremely damaging state legislature right now, but if you look away from the government, if you look elsewhere, West Virginia has scores of grassroots movements, and all kinds of new businesses carrying us towards a new economy, and so many efforts towards sustainable energy, and all kinds of creative work going into dealing with substance abuse. These are just a few examples. Lots and lots of re-creation is going on here. Will it be too little too late? Will those working for the good outside the conventions of the state government manage to transform this place despite the government? I don’t know. But I have to maintain hope. Even if I don’t see the transformation in my lifetime.

Tell me more about your current project.

I’m writing another novel. It too is set in West Virginia and tackles environmental subjects, but it’s also about recreating different relationships with the land and beings who aren’t human, relationships more reciprocal and respectful than the relationships we’ve had in the West since at least the Enlightenment.

One thing I’m finding challenge is that it’s incredibly difficult to talk about the sacred and the natural world using the kind of vocabulary that is taken seriously in the United States. And in a way that I’m not discredited as either flaky or crazy or New Age. That’s what’s most difficult.

So often, those discussions are framed in cultural or economic terms, or strictly using scientific language.

In the face of climate change and the kinds of extinctions that are going on right now, I believe really firmly that science alone is not going to help us find a way out of this. So thinking about the natural world from different perspectives is absolutely essential. I also find writing this book rewarding because the work I did on mountaintop removal was mostly about documenting destruction, and the emphasis with this is trying to look past destruction.

Let’s go back to what you said before about trying to pivot away from documentation to move toward creation. How do you see that happening or who do you see already doing that?

Well, in Appalachia right now, there is a lot of down-to-the-ground rebuilding going on, as I mentioned a little bit ago.  

Personally, I feel that Strange As This Weather Has Been documented the devastation in the coalfields, but it did not offer much vision beyond that. I think I, and other artists, have a responsibility to create more vision.

I think American culture is a culture that’s pretty cut off from genuine access to imagination. It may not look that way because of the entertainment industry, but much of that, in my opinion, is not genuine imagination. And Western culture doesn’t give much credence to intuitive knowledge, so we are not encouraged to foster our intuition.

However, artists do traffic in intuition, we are more in touch with our unconscious, our dreams, our imagination. We have experience in those realms that many people don’t.  I firmly believe that what’s going on now in our country requires—I hate to use a cliché, but—it requires a complete paradigm shift. And the only way we get to that is imagining forward into it. And so the role of the artist is to do that, to dream forward. And not in a dystopic way; we have a lot of representations of dystopia, so many that I think they could become self-fulfilling prophesies.

We need other ways to think forward. We need to imagine other ways to relate to each other, other ways to have economies, and certainly other ways to have relationships with the natural world because our relationship with the natural world underlies everything else. ▩


The Arab World’s New, Dubious YouTube Radicals

In the last decade, the revolutionary energy of millions has been extinguished—replaced by a new, pseudo-revolutionary form of political engagement.

by

Fouad Mami

Season Published
MP708

Aug 02, 2023


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E

very August 14th, veterans of the Arab uprisings remember the Raa’ba Al-Adawiya massacre, which took place in a suburb of Cairo in 2013. Raa’ba Square had been a protest zone for more than six weeks, recalling Tahrir Square in January, 2011. In Raa’ba, the supporters of President Mohamed Morsi, most of whom were Muslim Brotherhood members but also other Egyptians hailing mostly from the outskirts of Cairo and impoverished parts of the country, called for restoring “legitimacy.” This meant reversing the coup d’état which the General Abdel Fattah el-Sisi led the previous July, with support from mostly well-off Egyptians and liberals. That August 14th, law enforcement under el-Sisi swept in to clear the camps, and in the process killed at least 800 people. 

The unrest had begun in Tunisia, where protests in 2011 felled a dictator, emboldening Egyptians who believed the regime of Hosni Mubarak favored the rich and left the poor behind. These protests fragmented the capitalist class, a minority of whom wanted Mubarak’s son Alaa to inherit his father’s post. Mubarek could not survive the division of the ruling class; he had to leave after 18 days, and a military council assumed control over Egypt. In June 2012, a candidate for the Muslim Brotherhood, Mohamed Morsi, was sworn in as a democratically elected president.

He didn’t last long. Much of the public felt Morsi, committed to the Brotherhood, failed to rule on behalf of all Egyptians. Spurred by the military, a movement called tamared—sedition—insisted on the immediate termination of Morsi’s tenure. Though the tamared movement emerged from a genuinely popular coalition, it was seized on by reactionary forces who wanted to restore the old order. Those reactionary forces invested in el-Sisi, who was Morsi’s defense minister. With the coup, el-Sisi defeated the Brotherhood, and he proceeded to silence members of the anti-Morsi coalition who had made it possible for him to mount his coup in the first place. el-Sisi’s support now comes mostly from the two rich Gulf sheikdoms, Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates. 

The Muslim Brotherhood played a confusing role in these processes. It did not support the revolution until it was clear that Mubarek would soon be ousted. And amid much of the turmoil, the Brotherhood remained cautious, lest it anger the military. Yet after the Raa’ba Al-Adawiya massacre, el-Sisi outlawed the Brotherhood, squashing his political rival. In the wake of anonymous attacks on police stations, el-Sisi classified the Brotherhood as a terrorist entity, and effectively froze all its activities, whether political or not. 

Following the coup, el-Sisi put the position of President on hold—an insignificant official, Adli Mansour, was momentarily put as head of state—and a year later el-Sisi won a sham presidential election. The ceremony of his swearing-in took place in the renovated palace of the last and deposed king, before the Free Officers’ revolution of 1952. That ceremony has been el-Sisi’s way of telegraphing a restoration—recalling the restorations of 1848—a desperate attempt to roll back time to the good old days of the monarchy, when commoners did not dare challenge their social betters.


In the last ten years, the revolutionary energy of millions has been extinguished. It has been replaced by a new, pseudo-revolutionary form of political engagement. Every night, potential revolutionaries watch their preferred opposition leader, who happens to be a content creator and a media guru, as he or she scathingly criticizes the regime, points out its many deficient policies, and foretells its imminent collapse. 

Thusly, a vast pool of potential demonstrators has turned into passive viewers of “revolutionary” TV and YouTube channels. A population of active revolutionaries who could alter reality in favor of the revolution has become a set of depressive audiences in virtual space. Their perceived obligation to keep abreast of the scandalous pitfalls of the regime is satisfied by “analysis.” Online activists count millions of views on social media platforms and TV stations. But they are not likely to foster true revolutionary ardor anytime soon. 

Political shows are not a new phenomenon in the Arab world. But with the eruption of the uprisings in 2011, they become more popular, drawing millions of viewers each night. Indeed, calls for demonstrations could not have been possible without internet democratization. And after el-Sisi’s coup, nightly or weekly shows transmitted by Egyptians from their Turkish exile emerged as a vital breath of fresh air. 

Yet to collapse physical space through internet and satellite broadcasting is not a viable long-term political strategy. Given the restrictive conditions established by the coup, politically active populations cannot tolerate indefinitely a political opposition that mobilizes from the safety of exile. Calls for action yielded no action. They resulted instead in inebriated audiences. 

Primetime, breathtaking shows on stations like Mekameleen TV and Elsharq TV expose the poor performance and endemic corruption of el-Sisi’s government. From one’s spot on a cozy sofa, and armed with either a remote control or a Samsung phone, the politically conscious, and what has been left of the democracy militant, thinks he has mastered the world by taking his daily or weekly dose of pseudo-revolutionary content. Passively, that viewer feels empowered, witnessing the exposure of scandal after scandal.

The shows peddle ramblings and ruminations about the el-Sisi regime, mistaking the coverage for the hard stuff that might actually bring it down, and create the conditions for an egalitarian order. With the militant on the sofa, the vomits and excrements become perverse entertainment, without which he or she cannot confront the next day or week. In what used to be the revolutionary camp, one finds audience who have adopted the characteristics of the post-truth world with surprising nonchalance, as they entertain the lie, in the daily or weekly spectacles, that el-Sisi’s fall is imminent.

Consider one show, With Moataz, hosted by the former sports journalist Moataz Matar on the Elsharq TV station. Before Matar’s eviction from his Turkish exile to London in early 2022, the show ran five days a week and almost two hours each night. The show presented as investigative journalism, with leaks and exclusive reporting from “reliable sources inside the regime,” and Matar has become a celebrity all over the Arab world for his fiery introductions, famously always ending with the adage Allah Ghalib: “God is victorious.” 

Besides detailing the dysfunctions of the Egyptian regime, the show trades on the genre of wailing, a weeping style of (mostly) poetry in Muslim Shiite theology that evokes the painful memory of the killing of Prophet Muhammed’s grandson, Hussein. While neither Matar does not literally cry, nor are audiences are not solicited to literally cry, all are nevertheless invited to loath in self-pity. With time, audiences start deriving a pathological satisfaction from their own inertia before the incumbent counterrevolutionary orders. Revolution-as-entertainment places these audiences in the camp of the rightful. But when rightfulness reverses into an identity taken for granted, one loses sight of what it is to constantly see and act on what rightfulness means and demands. Viewers finish the show with loads of pathos, but little ethos or logos. 

The whole oppositional endeavor results in the massive emergence of passive and ahistorical freaks, devoid of substance and vitality. The closing phrase which has secured Matar’s fame, “God is victorious,” is precisely a call for passivity. Since God is all knowledgeable and powerful, the defeatist reasoning goes, why bother putting one’s life on the line by mounting a revolution? 


The content of such TV and YouTube shows is indeed incendiary. On October 3rd, 2022, on the show Officially el-Sisi Offers Egyptians for Sale, Matar claimed that the regime officially acknowledged the existence of a market for collecting body parts, and selling them to rich clients from the Gulf. By founding the biggest center for transplanting body parts in the Middle East, el-Sisi, according to Matar, institutionalized what used to be a black market. 

Similarly, on Oct. 4th, 2022, on a show titled Defecting Intelligence Officer: Uprisings Began My Income Increased and Missions Changed, a defected officer recounted how his superiors in the notorious Algerian secret intelligence charged him with following the hirak activists, famous for the popular uprisings in 2019. The former officer recounted the extra-judicial regulations by which intelligence disappeared activists, such that there existed no chance for loved ones to learn their whereabouts. 

Amid such startling reports, those who were meant to be influenced by that militant substance, and carry out the revolutionary work, instead begin to assume that the fall of such a monstrous el-Sisi’s regime must be a matter of time alone. They start assuming that the military regime is rapidly disintegrating and cannot survive the stream of scandals exposed every night. Everyone fantasizes about the impending fall of the regime, but no one dares to assume the steering wheel of the revolution, since it has been imagined to be already unfolding, miraculously, all by itself.


Over the last ten years, the fiery content meted out each night has enforced the false omnipresent. Even when it is subversive, as political opposition, revolutainment, as I call it, is not only non-revolutionary but dialectically counterrevolutionary

Ask the content creators and “celebrity revolutionaries” of YouTube what it is, exactly, they desire. When squarely pushed for an answer, which of the two choices is the dearest to their hearts? The downfall of el-Sisi’s regime as they profess they want to see—a situation that can only come with the end of their gold-mine businesses in political opposition—or the infinite perpetuation of the current situation? 

Their heart favors the latter option. Celebrity Algerian oppositionists can generate from YouTube something between $1,500 to $2,000 per night. With certain Egyptian oppositionists-entertainers, the sum is easily three or four times that figure. The farcical state of affairs recalls a telling scene in Fyodor Dostoyevsky’s Brothers Karamazov. Jesus Christ makes a second coming and freely engages in healing work, whereupon the Grand Inquisitor ushers Jesus into the prison. Jesus meets this fate because his message stands at odds with—and has literally interrupted the mediating and corruptive work of—the church. Likewise, in the event of the fall of the military regime in Egypt and elsewhere in the Arab world, celebrity YouTubers and career oppositionists will become personas non grata; their entertaining content will no longer have an audience because the work needed, that of consciousness-raising, will be over. For career oppositionists, true emancipation of their respected polities spells the gravest disaster.  


YouTuberSubscribersOther remarksLinks to check the evidence
Moataz Matar3.88 m (since 2010)11m on FacebookKnown before in Elsharq TVhttps://www.youtube.com/user/ma7atetmasr/about
Mohammed Naser900 K (since 2018)Known before in Mekameleen TV (1.89 m since 2016)
Abdullah El Sharif4.3 m (since 2008)Sarcasticweekly episodeshttps://www.youtube.com/c/abdullahelshrif/about
Yousef Hussein (known as Joe Show)3.48m (since 2015)Sarcastic weekly episodeshttps://www.youtube.com/c/JoeShowAlaraby/about
Mohamed Larbi Zitout892 k (since 2018)Daily scandals, analysis. https://www.youtube.com/c/MohamedLarbiZitoute/about
Amir Boukgors (known as Amir DZ)1.31 mDaily Scandals https://www.youtube.com/c/AMIRDZBOUKHORS

The present enforcement of the counterrevolution is not, of course, a fault of strategy on the part of the oppositionists and media gurus, or a conspiratorial infiltration that directly sells out to the regime. Rather, oppositional media coverage and exposure of the regime’s many scandals—recently the frantic style has cited the lustful practices of key regime figures—operate in what the philosopher Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel described as the Law of Necessity. Sure, if the agents of the Egyptian regime put their hands on any of the opposition journalists, they will send those oppositionists behind the sun. But the propulsion of both regime and revolutainment nonetheless lead to the same outcome: Both have succeeded in obliterating the materiality of the revolution—the first, through its iron hand and repressive approach; the latter by marketing the illusion of the revolution’s imminent ignition. 

To test the commensurability of the oppositionist-entertainers’ work with the counterrevolutionary project, recall that, even when living standards have routinely worsened from those under the late President Mubarak’s era, Egyptians have not marched to the streets or descended to squares. Poverty has reached unprecedented levels and Egyptian public debts are ascendant. el-Sisi’s regime might be diplomatically isolated and financially weak, but it is nevertheless vicious in its dealings with ordinary Egyptians. 

Amid the farce of the el-Sisi regime, why no social explosion? Here enters revolutainment, blinding its audiences into the ways history is made. Consider Hegel’s “Knowledge of the Absolute,” through which ordinary people, not intellectuals or vanguard leaders, decide when and where to jumpstart a revolution. According to Hegel, world-shaking events such as uprisings are neither kicked off through a constitutive assembly, nor by mobilization, nor are they repressed through repression. No amount of repression alone can repel people from deciding their fate. Likewise, no amount of top-down mobilization alone is going to convince people to take to the streets. 

Absolute knowledge underlines a people’s collective will—which often remains obscure, for observers and even the people themselves—to jump into history, reverse enslavement, and mount a revolution. It is a collective crossing from a passive threshold of consciousness to an active one, whereupon a historical subject registers his or her permanent movement toward emancipation. Acquiring the certitude of oneself is the understanding that one’s singularity finds its explanation only in the historical motion in which one becomes one with the world, a universal subject, irrespective of geography, language, religion, or culture. Revolution is nothing but the individual’s return to origins, to a desalinated ontological state. When risking their lives in actively anticipating the desalinated world, true revolutionaries cannot help but experience joy. They do not know any of the dejection or fear that fundamentally marks the entertainment-oriented revolutionaries we have been decrying. Revolutainment impairs that necessary threshold of consciousness. It actively impedes that emancipatory return. 

Revolutainment, contrary to revolution, thrives on monetization through YouTube viewers. The animating principle of both opposition and regime is a fetish we have all accorded the name of “money”—or surplus value. Instead of serving humanity’s need for exchange, the cumulative effects of surplus value and debt on a global scale have started assuming a life of their own, independent of humanity’s actual needs. When the alleged revolutionary camp and the counterrevolutionary party both fetishize money, independently of the means of accumulating that surplus value, one must then be deranged to expect their basic interests to diverge. 

Through their pseudo-thinking, proponents of revolutainment dupe their audiences into thinking that the problem with lies with el-Sisi, his mismanagement, or military background. The real enemy cannot be el-Sisi, the military, or the remnants of the Mubarak regime. The real enemy is not even the capitalists, with their repressive or regressive outlooks, religious or otherwise. The real enemy is money. Until a new moneyless order emerges through workers’ strikes and major organizing, money will keep the world, not just Egypt or the Arab World, estranged from true emancipation. With everyone accessing basic necessities according to their needs, not according to their hours at work, the realm of quantity will be abolished and that of quality will emerge. This is not a futile objective. There are solid historical antecedents, such as the Paris Commune in 1871, Barcelona in 1836-37, and northeastern Syria from 2012-2018.

Forces of revolutainment never broach, let alone engage with, this radical understanding of how the counterrevolution must unfold. The images of piles of dead bodies bulldozered like city rabbles in Ra’baa are available on YouTube, still haunting collective memories. Can we think of double murder, one by soldiers shooting physical bullets, bulldozers turning those bodies into minced meat, the other allegorical as pretentious media renders these sacrifices against tyranny into naught? ▩


Victory Over Ourselves

How fat became dangerous and deplorable.

by

Abby Seethoff

Season Categories Published
MP707 In Review

Jul 20, 2023


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Anti-Diet: Reclaim Your Time, Money, Well-Being and Happiness through Intuitive Eating | By Christy Harrison | Little Brown Spark, 2019 

Belly of the Beast: Politics of Anti-Fatness as Anti-Blackness | By Da’Shaun Harrison | North Atlantic Books, 2021

Radical Belonging: How to Survive and Thrive in an Unjust World (While Transforming It for the Better) | By Lindo Bacon | Ben Bella Books, 2020


The modern concept of race surfaced to distinguish colonial conquerors from the conquered. Race allowed Spaniards, and other Europeans who followed them, to define themselves by what they were not, using physical characteristics as shorthand for a host of negative attributes. If indigenous peoples were savage heathens, the colonizers were civilized Christians. This racial perspective efficiently packaged that dichotomy into appearance.

Spaniards began to believe food caused the visible differences between themselves and indigenous peoples, and therefore feared local fare—despite eating it frequently early on, because that was what was available. The 15th-century idea that certain bodies are superior, and that certain foods shape those superior bodies, sounds remarkably contemporary. This is because it forms the backbone of 21st century diet culture.

By the 1800s, pseudosciences like phrenology offered seemingly rational justifications for racial hierarchy. Anthropologists deemed fatness a characteristic of Blackness and devoted themselves to documenting body sizes among different groups. These scientists, writes Christy Harrison in Anti-Diet, also believed women were at greater “risk” of fatness, a claim construed as “evidence of their supposed evolutionary inferiority.” Meanwhile, angst about immigrants and the end of slavery mounted among privileged, established Americans. Like the conquistadors, Anglo-Saxon Americans sought to define themselves by contrast, this time invoking thinness as a sign of superiority to the “stout” or “sturdy” bodies of African and Irish people, particularly women. Thinness had gained cachet, and even if weight loss was considered medically unwise, to be slender was socially desirable.

In 1899 insurance companies adopted the methodologically dubious Quetelet Index, or QI— a precursor to the Body Mass Index. A Belgian astronomer created the QI from a dataset of white Europeans for population-level calculations, not individual health outcomes predictions. The QI divided people into three categories—underweight, normal weight, and overweight—and seemed to show that “overweight” people were likely to die younger.

As Harrison writes, more representative, recent data samples have since shown that commonplace assumptions about the health implications of these categories are inaccurate. For example, a Center for Disease Control analysis found that, while people with especially high BMIs have a higher mortality risk than people with “normal weight,” this dynamic does not hold for a broad subset of people classified as “obese.” The study also found that people in the “overweight” category—one BMI tier down from obese— have a significantly lower mortality risk than people with “normal weight.”

That this may come as a surprise to many reflects more than a century of cultural conditioning. At the turn of the 20th century, in tandem with a growing social conviction that fat was physical evidence of immoral behavior, insurance companies used the QI to convince doctors that higher weights were riskier, and patients started asking doctors for help with weight loss. Doctors lamented the vanity of this desire, which they saw as a cosmetic distraction from health, but eventually they succumbed to the pressure to worry about weight.

By the 1930s, cigarettes were popular for weight suppression, amphetamine diet pills had come to market, the FDA had encouraged WWI food conservation with the slogan “Victory over Ourselves,” and the concept of “willpower” took a special hold on the American psyche.

And diet culture has been with us ever since.

When the physiologist Ancel Keys resurrected the Quetelet Index as the Body Mass Index in 1972, adding the “obese” category, he set the stage for a profound escalation of diet culture: the invention of the “obesity epidemic.” The International Obesity Task Force, funded by two weight-loss companies to generate research benefitting the pharmaceutical industry, wrote a report that the National Institutes of Health in 1998 used to justify lowering the weight cut-offs for the “overweight” and “obese” BMI categories. Millions of American bodies became “higher-risk” overnight.

That same year, William Dietz, director of the CDC’s Division for Nutrition and Physical Activity, disseminated a slideshow with a graphic of the United States where darkening, growing patches of navy and red appeared to show a dramatic rise in state-level “obesity” from 1985 to 1998, mostly because the BMI had changed.

The slides, which resembled a diagram of contagion, were misleadingly urgent. Average American weight had increased only slightly over this time period. But the images, accompanied by the word “epidemic,” spread, well, like an epidemic, circulating in media and government reports until the phrase and its attendant moral panic were commonplace. Being fat and gaining weight had become both dangerous and deplorable.


The “obesity epidemic”—not the supposed event, but the rhetorical construct—has had disastrous consequences, increasing discrimination and, it could be argued, directly contributing to worse public health. When insurers began using the Quetelet Index, they mistook a pattern for a reason, a correlation for a causation.

Most population-level studies show that fat people have worse cardiovascular health. But as Michael Hobbes writes in his landmark article “Everything You Know About Obesity is Wrong,” “individuals are not averages.” Anywhere from a third to three-quarters of people in the “obese” BMI category have normal blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood glucose levels. Insofar as we have individual control over our health, “habits, no matter your size, are what really matter,” writes Hobbes. So many other factors—vegetable intake, hip flexibility, gum health, consistent exercise, etc.—are better gauges of health than weight.

One factor that could explain the association between higher body weight and poorer health outcomes is anti-fat bias. Fat people experience higher levels of discrimination, a form of persistent stress that adds to their allostatic load, which increases the incidence of chronic diseases such as cardiovascular disease, stroke, diabetes, asthma, and depression, according to The Nelson Textbook of Pediatrics.

These effects of long-term stigma are nearly identical to health outcomes typically attributed to fat itself. And they are often compounded by additional circumstances that further increase allostatic load: fat people are more likely to be poor, lack health insurance, or live in rural areas, where medical care can be more difficult to access. And they are more likely to be people of color. 

Though some forms of social bias have declined measurably in recent years, weight stigma is on the rise. A review of the Harvard Implicit Association Test, which measures implicit (unconscious) and explicit (overt, acknowledged) bias, found that from 2007 to 2016, body weight explicit bias decreased more slowly than explicit bias about sexual orientation, race, age, disability, or skin tone. As for implicit bias, body weight was the only kind that got worse, increasing by 40 percent from 2004 to 2010. After that, the pace of increase decelerated, but the direction remained unchanged; through 2016 implicit weight bias continued to climb.  

Anti-fat sentiment has serious medical consequences. Going to the doctor is often an unhelpful if not hostile experience for fat people, who overall receive less preventative care than thin people. Doctors spend less time with fat patients than with thin ones, are more likely to write negative comments about their personal character, and prescribe weight loss when it is unrelated to the situation at hand. A gruesome example of this phenomenon was the case of Rebecca Hiles, whose doctors attributed her shortness of breath and cough to her weight for six years instead of running tests that would have diagnosed lung cancer. By the time the cancer was discovered, her left lung had rotted and had to be removed.


People who diet may limit calories, skip meals, eliminate food groups, aim for ketosis, or count macros. They embrace juicing, intermittent fasting, or “detox” protocols. They might lift weights compulsively, exercise to exhaustion, or attend movement classes they dislike. Dieting does not include religious fasts, indigenous cleansing, ethical abstention from specific foods, or avoiding what you’re allergic to, though many of these practices have been co-opted into diet culture, obscuring the pursuit of weight loss as a moral endeavor.

While diet behaviors can produce short-term weight-loss, 90 percent of dieters regain the lost weight within two years. Two-thirds gain additional weight besides. This weight gain happens because our bodies have “weight set ranges,” or general size blueprints. Similar to height, genes mostly determine set range. “So strong is the power of set range,” writes Harrison, that if your weight dips below it, the brain triggers a cascade of (unconscious) changes such as increased hunger hormone (ghrelin), decreased fullness hormones (leptin, peptide YY, and cholecystokinin), and more preoccupation with food. Multiple attempts to suppress your weight below its set range can eventually increase set range to shield you from future famines, which, to your body, are indistinguishable from diets.

This biological reaction helps explain the restriction/binge cycle that dieters experience. Deprivation, even in mild forms, registers as starvation, causing the hormonal changes that motivate people to eat a lot, quickly. This is not a failure of willpower; it’s a body trying to defend itself. For the majority of people then, dieting leads to both weight gain and a see-saw relationship to food that may seem like addictive behavior but is actually a survival response to scarcity.

Trying to ignore hunger also makes people more susceptible to environmental cues such as food advertising or larger portion sizes. In response to both, studies show, dieters eat more. By contrast, Harrison writes, non-dieters “tend to eat similar amounts when they’re exposed to these things as they do otherwise, because they’re driven by internal rather than external cues.” While American commercial and restaurant portion sizes did increase between the ‘70s and early 2000s (media coverage often mentioned how bagels had doubled in diameter), a single food-marketing researcher named Brian Wansink was largely responsible for the misconception that bigger portion sizes alone cause people to eat more.

Before Cornell University fired him for extensive academic misconduct, Wansink and his lab churned out more than 200 peer-reviewed papers. He reached a level of celebrity rarely afforded to academics, was quoted in upwards of 60 New York Times articles and became known for headline-inducing studies where diners used different-sized plates or ate soup from automatically refilling bowls. The general thrust of his work was identifying environments where people eat more, such as movie theaters that serve popcorn in bigger buckets, and then claiming those environments caused weight gain. While many of his studies examined food behaviors in different situations (such as how 8-11 year-olds, given a choice between apples with or without Elmo stickers, took the Elmo-sticker fruit more often), virtually none of them tracked whether or how those behaviors correlated with body size. Anti-fat sentiment buoyed his work and limited the scrutiny it received.

In 2015 Wansink’s career unraveled. Outside reviewers found his publications were rife with mathematical errors and p-hacking, an unethical approach where a scientist takes a dataset, finds any statistically significant associations, and retroactively draws conclusions from them, regardless of what hypothesis the study was supposed to investigate. There was also some outright lying. The apple-study children who chose the Elmo stickers were not, in fact, elder elementary schoolers. They were toddlers.


Culturally, we think of fat as basic math—too much food plus not enough exercise. But the science is not so clearcut. Certain medications (some anti-depressants, beta blockers, and steroids), diseases such as PCOS, hypothyroidism, and Cushing Syndrome, and, again, dieting can all cause weight gain. And there are myriad genes that contribute to body size. Cambridge University researchers Sadaf Farooqi and Stephen O’Rahilly write that variation in BMI is largely influenced by genetic factors. If you’re “overweight,” there’s a significant chance your biological parents were too.

Endeavoring to lose weight generally does not yield sustained weight loss, though it does dramatically increase the likelihood of developing an eating disorder. Exercise can improve flexibility, strength, circulation, mental wellbeing, and, importantly, cardiac health. But it is rarely, if ever, an effective weight-loss method over time. And even when someone does manage to lose weight, weight loss does not for most people improve health biomarkers such as blood pressure, fasting glucose, or triglyceride levels.

In fact, much like weight stigma, weight cycling is correlated with outcomes that are usually blamed on body size: increased risk of heart failure and coronary disease. In a 10-year study of more than 6.7 million South Koreans, Harrison notes, weight cyclers had a far higher risk of death from all causes, not to mention a greater risk of heart attack and stroke, than those whose weight remained stable. This dynamic held regardless of baseline body size.

In Radical Belonging, Lindo Bacon claims that dieting may encourage diabetes, because dieting mimics the historical famine experience. As an example, Bacon cites the relatively isolated Pima Indian tribe in what is now Arizona. This farming civilization did not experience diabetes until Europeans diverted water from the rivers they used for irrigation, upending their way of life. Famine ensued and diabetes took off. Today the Pima tribe has the highest incidence of diabetes of any ethnic group in the world, Bacon writes. Though genetics contributed to this outcome, the lack of diabetes beforehand and the low incidence of diabetes in less burdened Pima tribes in Mexico shows that genes cannot entirely account for the surge. Type II diabetes, Bacon writes, “can best be described as a disease of oppression,” the prevalence of which can be reduced through social policy such as housing vouchers, universal healthcare, or higher minimum wage, not dieting.

The social determinants of health—economic status, race, gender, and geographic location, all of which significantly influence food/housing insecurity, pollution exposure, and structural racism—account for 70 to 90 percent of health outcomes. Individual behaviors only account for 10 to 30 percent. Bacon writes that we get sick “not predominantly because we do or eat the wrong things, but because our lives are hard, our environments toxic, and the resources that would empower us are beyond our reach.” If you need to participate in some morbid betting pool and guess how long someone will live or whether they’ll develop diabetes, ask where they were born, to whom, and with how much money.


Despite reams of evidence that diets do not lead to long-term weight loss, that thinness is not a proxy for health, that weight cycling contributes to earlier death, and that circumstances influence our health more than individual choices, diet culture persists. Its terminology, however, has morphed, possibly because of rising eating disorder awareness in the ‘90s and early 2000s that yielded some outcry about the most glaring consequences of our obsession with thinness. Though people became more knowledgeable about anorexia and bulimia during this time, news stories and movies about these topics focused on emaciated young white women, contributing dangerously to the mistaken belief that people of color and fat people do not develop eating disorders—that you can tell who is starving themselves by how they look.  

Rather than seeing eating disorders as categorically distinct from diets, it is useful to understand disordered eating as a spectrum of behaviors. We are not culturally ready to admit that dieting—tracking, limiting, and obsessing over food—is disordered eating. I’m not qualified to identify when disordered eating tips into an official eating disorder. But I see great conceptual power in making overt the links between avoiding sugar and anorexia, between trying to eat “clean” and the impulse to purge, or between doing sit-ups to atone for “junk” food and working out compulsively. Actions over time determine disordered eating, not aesthetics.   

Partially due to this minor backlash to the thin beauty ideal, most diets stopped being called diets and started pretending to be about health, not body size. In 2018 Weight Watchers changed its name to WW and slogan to Wellness that Works. WW is still a weight-loss program, but the company responded to changing vocabulary: “dieting” is vulgar, the stuff of “one weird trick to lose 5 lbs.” clickbait, whereas “lifestyle changes” communicate enlightenment and, ultimately, wealth. Supplements, organic ingredients, personal trainers, and elite smoothies aren’t cheap. Neither is refusing to eat staples like bread, pasta, and rice. Contemporary, cosmopolitan dieting may be expensive and rarely referred to as dieting, but dieting it is.

Unfortunately, the main result of the last two decades of food activism (a movement comprised primarily of college-educated white people) has been to popularize individual “clean” or vegetarian/vegan eating. Rather than interrogating the outsize role played by pharmaceutical and weight-loss companies in the creation of the obesity epidemic, many food activists adopted anti-obesity wholesale. In her article “How the Eco-Food Movement Mass Markets Eating Disorders,” Virginia Sole-Smith writes that eating local or vegan gained favor in the aughts because it seemed like a way to stay thin and save the environment in one fell swoop. Food obsession could be justified with a nobler purpose than weight loss, which was still desirable except that it had become passé to openly want to be slender. “Food,” Sole-Smith writes, “became something to categorize—whole or processed, real or fake, clean or dirty—and to fear.” This zealous black-and-white thinking, along with misplaced faith in personal consumption as social change, bred rampant orthorexia, a form of anorexia characterized by intensifying preoccupation with “healthy” eating and exercise.


One treatment for disordered eating is intuitive eating, a concept created by registered dietician nutritionists Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. Intuitive eating sounds simple. It means learning to eat what you want. In real life this involves compromises, given that most people do not have personal chefs. But ideally, intuitive eaters honor their hunger, eat for reasons besides energy, such as pleasure, and do not try to change their body composition with nutrition. When granted this total permission, many people at first eat in a way that looks uncontrolled. But as previously forbidden foods become normal through a process called habituation, most intuitive eaters tend to balance out. Given enough time, they no longer feel “addicted” to eating. Intuitive eating is criticized as financially exclusive, but it remains radical at its core: everyone deserves to eat what sounds good.

Intuitive eating emerged from the fat acceptance movement, which coalesced in the 1960s with a Central Park “fat-in” initiated by a counterculture radio host. About 500 people attended. They brought food and burned diet books and at least one photo of the model Twiggy. Inspired by the fat-in and frustrated with how their wives, both fat, were treated, William Fabrey and Fat Power author Lew Louderback founded what would become the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. In 1973 a radical west-coast contingent of the group split to form the Fat Underground. Led by Judy Freespirit and Sara Golda Bracha Fishman, their true innovation, writes Sirius Bonner of the Center for Body Trust, was using scientific research to bolster their arguments. When the singer Cass Elliott died at age 33 of heart failure that was widely misattributed to her size, the Fat Underground took to the stage at the subsequent Los Angeles Women’s Equality Day to memorialize Elliott, whom they believed was a casualty of crash dieting, and to decry the medical establishment for pushing weight loss despite its perils. 

The Fat Underground dissolved in 1983, but the momentum stoked by its members and their contemporaries was undeniable. The ‘80s and ‘90s saw cross-pollination between queer and fat politics, particularly through zines, and tentative coalitions between disability and fat rights activists. American anti-diet literature sprouted with publications such as Healthy Weight Journal, one of the first to question whether diets were dangerous.

The Association for Size Diversity and Health convened in 2003. In 2010, it filed to trademark the “Health at Every Size” name so that companies could not co-opt it. This decision was contentious, but it did work: there is no diet called “Health at Every Size.” However, a few months before the trademark, Bacon had published a book called Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight. This title and Bacon’s prominence have caused people to conflate the writer with the movement.


With Radical Belonging: How to Survive and Thrive in an Unjust World (While Transforming It for the Better), Bacon shifted their focus from weight bias and intuitive eating to a wider justice lens. As the long sub-title suggests, Radical Belonging is ambitious. It’s self-help that incorporates systemic critique, interspersed with memoir from Bacon’s life, particularly their experiences as a trans person.

First, Bacon maps our threefold “crisis of belonging.” Oppression keeps us from belonging in our bodies, in the world, and among each other, they argue. When society orbits what Audre Lorde calls a “mythical norm,” defined as “white, thin, male, young, heterosexual, Christian, and financially secure,” most people feel alienated in some way. Bacon recounts how they were gendered as a child, first by the aspirational name “Linda,” the feminine word for “pretty” in Spanish. 

In their youth Bacon did not know anyone who was trans or understand it was possible to change genders, so they endured years of confusion, chronicled here in poignant stories of their bat mitzvah as a coercive rite rather than a celebration or a teenage modeling school showcase where Bacon, having skipped as much practice walking in high heels as possible, tripped on the runway, caught a string of lights, toppled the set, and sent a classmate to the hospital. Bacon initially dealt with this personal crisis of belonging by dieting, hoping to eliminate their body’s feminine curves, and by doing cocaine.

Bacon is at their best when they write about their own gender; their success is scattershot when they write about experiences they haven’t had. The text is riddled with sloppy language. Paragraphs often end with rushed examples from groups of which Bacon is not a part, which has the tokenizing effect of making them sound like afterthoughts.

These discrepancies between the book’s aims and its execution are frustrating; they also anticipate growing tension, in real life, regarding Bacon’s role in the anti-diet movement. In 2022 the writer Marquisele Mercedes published a transcript from a Zoom meeting with Bacon along with an essay about their interactions called “I Will Never Work With You.” Bacon had contacted Mercedes about co-authoring a revised edition of Health at Every Size. In their video conversation, however, Bacon admitted to wanting to maintain creative control over the project. Mercedes, who is fat and Black, expressed qualms about not being equal partners and about whether Bacon, who is thin and white, ought to write the new edition. “I don’t exactly see how it is justified for me to follow your lead on the next chapter of HAES,” Mercedes told Bacon, “when really my views are the ones that should be accommodated in the new version.”

At this point Bacon backtracked to offer Mercedes ghostwriting work instead. She declined and tried to explain why and how Bacon could let other people step into the spotlight. Bacon disagreed. By the end, the writers decided to part ways…except that afterward, Bacon emailed Mercedes repeatedly about exploring their differences publicly in an article or at a conference.

When Mercedes posted about her experience, numerous people of color and fat people came forward with similar stories of off-putting ghostwriting requests from Lindo Bacon. Bacon responded first by writing a paranoid essay about oppression in social justice groups, implying that other activists had a secret list of people to surveil and take down at an opportune time.  After a minor internet maelstrom, Bacon apologized without really saying sorry, and the Association for Size Diversity and Health terminated their membership.

A generous take here would be that Bacon reacted poorly to criticism. A harsher version would be that Bacon uses people of color and size to bolster their image and has a pattern of being demanding and unrepentant. Bacon seemed to think there was some sort of plot to engineer their downfall, but the truth is much simpler: Radical Belonging, with its well-intentioned but erratic quality, reveals an author struggling with the changing of the guard.


For all their achievements, the Fat Underground and early fat acceptance were predominantly white movements comprised mostly of single-issue activists, many of whom did not recognize the compounding effects of racism and diet culture on fat people of color or mistakenly believed that fatphobia was not a problem for non-white people.

In Belly of the Beast, Da’Shaun Harrison links anti-fatness to its racist roots. Under slavery, white people treated Black people as expendable resources. Harrison argues that because of this objectification, the theoretical figure of “the Black, which is to name the Slave…was and has always been removed from wellness and safety.” That is, for as long as the United States has existed, there has always been a group of people who were structurally exempt from health, whose lack of health was then attributed to their physical characteristics rather than their situation.

In Fearing the Black Body: The Racial Origins Of Fat Phobia, Sabrina Strings, summarized here by Sirius Bonner, claims that

as color became more complicated because of rape and miscegenation in early America, body size became another way of understanding who was enslaved and who was not, and, by extension, who was Black and who was white. This product of white supremacy became intertwined with the deeply patriarchal project of keeping women literally and figuratively small. This put white women in the position of having to remain slender in order to recoup the benefits of correctly performing their gender and race.

In this way thinness became enmeshed with whiteness—and therefore a source of power. Just as early conquistadors sought to differentiate themselves from indigenous peoples to justify their imperialist project, white people, via the proxy of thinness, sought to distinguish themselves from Black people. 

Belly of the Beast is more beautifully written than Anti-Diet and Radical Belonging—and also more rigorous, not to mention revolutionary, in its politics. Harrison theorizes fatness as inextricable from Blackness, not literally, but conceptually. If fatness is inherent to Blackness, then anti-Blackness is why fat is considered undesirable. The subjugation of Black people is not just an effect of diet culture, but a condition for its existence.

In the last decade, various often white police officers have justified shooting unarmed Black men on the basis of their victim’s size—not just his height, but his weight. It is a logic of abuse—you made me do this to you—and it forms a rhetorical construct that Harrison calls the Beast. The Beast, like the Slave, is antithetical to whiteness. When a white police officer describes a Black man as huge and monstrous, that police officer yokes size to race, fat to Black, and casts the object of their violence as the Beast—an animal to be subdued.  

Diet culture has proven itself remarkably adaptable—as I write this, a new fleet of under-studied diet drugs with significant side effects has flooded the market. Bacon and Christy Harrison both argue that learning to eat intuitively or cultivating self-love are not enough to dismantle diet culture. Da’Shaun Harrison is the most fervent on this point, arguing that self-love does not equal fat liberation, that it can even be distracting if we focus so much on self-love that we forget to ask why we feel bad about our bodies in the first place. This question of why is paramount, because the answer is not simply that we misconstrue and overvalue thinness. Rather, we pursue thinness because we connect it to whiteness, we demonize fat because we connect it to Blackness, and we wildly misunderstand health because of race. Until we relinquish racism, diet culture will persist. ▩


How TV Fused the Gen X World

In Latin America, left-wing militants and intellectuals hated television. So did the Catholic church. It was an agent of “transculturation,” they said.

by

Jeudiel Martinez

Season Categories Published
MP706 In Review

Jul 04, 2023


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I am only interested in what is not mine. Law of man, law of the anthropophagist. 

Oswald de Andrade

Act I: Aleph

I was there, 3,000 years ago, when television was the center of the world.

“Center,” but in the way of Borges´s Aleph: It was the window to everything. In those days, before the famous media convergence and the internet, there were no different services and different screens, just the one service and the one screen—with two or three channels.

That one screen was my anchor: Although I was born in Caracas, Venezuela, in the mid ‘70s, my family is from Colombia and we went back and forth between the two countries for a while, to the rhythm of my father’s lousy decisions. One day, he was, kind of, a big shot in the Colombian police on the frontier. The next day he was employed by some factory on the Venezuelan side. Then he would try to restart his career in the judiciary, in Bogotá, before informing us that actually he wanted to go to live with his brother, who was quite well-installed in the Venezuelan south. (Of course, he was not.)

The movement was destabilizing, but television remained constant. I counted on a small set of shows, no matter the country in which I lived. If I was a kind of nomad, then television was my tent.

My beloved television had detractors from several directions. In Latin America, left-wing militants and intellectuals hated it, but so did the Catholic church, conservative politicians, the schools, the other media, and even the military. It was an agent of “transculturation,” some of them said, and to fight “transculturation” was actually a state doctrine, even if Venezuela back then had a liberal, multiparty regime. In those clean but poor public schools, where flocks of children dressed in white shirts and blue pants and skirts, the official xenophobic party line was present many years before the rise of the new militarism. Hugo Chávez’s anti-Hollywood or anti-comics rants were nothing new to me.

Only in college would I learn that transculturación was a concept developed by the great Cuban anthropologist Fernando Ortiz, who sought to explain how culture circulated in the Caribbean. For Ortiz, no one, not even enslaved Africans, was “a-cultured.” Rather, people were “trans-cultured”—receiving and giving traces and fragments from which new cultures are born, with everyone “appropriating” everyone. Latter antillean thinkers like Eduard Glyssant called the process creolite—a melting pot from which emerges something unexpected, such as Manga, which emerged from the Japanese creolization of American comics and animation, or Brazilian jiu jitsu, from the Brazilian creolization of Jigoro Kano´s judo.

It was the same thing that in Brazil Oswald de Andrade called devoração—devouring—or more provocatively, anthropophagi. Glissant even raised Ortiz’s bet and said that, in the globalized world, every culture was to become creole, even if the process would be slow and painful. 

When I was 9, we moved from cold misty Bogotá to Ciudad Guayana, a Venezuelan industrial town bordering a maze of tropical forest that stretches continuously from the Caribbean to northern Bolivia.

Venezuela and Colombia are both part of La Tierra Firme—the continental part of the Caribbean, and as such have strong cultural bonds. During the Independence Wars they were a single country, La Gran Colombia, which gloriously defeated the Spanish empire in a series of battles that—evoking  Gandalf’s fight with the Balrog—started in the Orinoco Plains and ended in the top of the Andean Mountains.

The rest of our history has been less majestic, and tragedies and banal dynamics alike have ushered migrants to and fro, first in the ‘70s and ‘80s when Colombians migrated to Venezuela, and now with millions of Venezuelans flooding Colombia.

I was a tiny particle in the former migration, and during the trip, in a series of buses (disgracefully, we don’t have railroad lines) I spent days reading comics (Teen Titans, Batman, Justice League and Metal Men) before arriving at a kind of Mesopotamia in the jungle.

Ciudad Guayana is divided between colonial San Felix and modern, industrial, Puerto Ordaz—and between two colossal rivers, the Orinoco and the Caroni. Its iron and aluminum industries drove an active port and made the city a center of migration in the east of the country. It was common to see foreign sailors in the streets, and in high school my classmates were the sons of Syrian, Lebanese, Chilean, Peruvian, Spanish, Druze, Italian migrants. Like William S. Burroughs’s “Interzone,” the place admitted almost any human possibility…

I mostly hated it. I only liked that there were traces of the jungle everywhere, living ruins of a death world. I eventually lost hope of seeing wild animals; some people claimed to encounter ocelots and mountain lions in some parts of the city.

But I remember clearly that, as a teenager, in a library some afternoon I started to read The Magnificent Orinoco of Jules Verne, and slowly I realized that I lived there, in the exotic land explored by Raley, populated by enormous crocodiles, where the Spanish searched for El Dorado and where things happened that made Salgari and Conrad novels seem tame.

Like many kids in boring towns, I would eventually yearn to leave. But in those first days I was dazzled by the contrast between the gray and cold Andes and this new hot burning place. At first we lived in the poorest barrios, full of puddles, broken streets, and death lizards.  Later I would live in middle class neighborhoods, with yards full of huge mango trees that perfumed the air and conferred a sense of unbridled abundance.

In the meantime, while adapting, I lived in the world of the enlatados—the canned programming that was basically the same in any country on the continent: Spaghetti westerns, kung fu movies. Such media was supposed to be an appetizer, but for us was the main dish, our first aesthetic education.  In that sense I was kind of a junkie.

I was there when the Latin American craze for Japanese animation began. I was into cartoons, above all, and then the Japanese live action tokusatsu series: Ultraman, Specterman, Sankuoikai and Ambassador Magma. While clueless intellectuals pontificated about how American media was colonizing our minds we—the kids—lived in a kind of delirious Japan, projected into our third world like augmented reality.

I don’t think that anything can ever impress me like anime aesthetics did in those days…their depiction of speed (with a slow motion movement, or a white bright line that showed the gleam of a blade)…the sound effects, the ideograms, the funky themes, the use of the still-images, of hand painted backgrounds…the epic songs. When we got a color TV set, I could appreciate Gekko Kamen in all its psychedelic glory. Even now I can’t hear the intro without feeling a rush of adrenaline.  We received signals from another world.

Without knowing it, I became an otaku—an obsessive fan. I watched Oni no Kick, about   a legendary Japanese Muay Thai fighter; I watched Mazinger Z  and Festival de los Robots (in English, Force Five). Anime brought a continuous shock and awe. It was aesthetically fascinating, a window to a world not found in American pop culture. The television stations didn’t bring all the titles (I missed Gundam, for example). But I knew that they existed because of the Japanese toys, called chogokin, that have now become collection pieces.

And then there were the American cartoons, which introduced an entire generation to bebop jazz and classical music. Of course, music figured prominently in Japanese animation too. But the American cartoons were different. They were genuine symphonies in which accidents and mishaps were driven by rhythm and melody—canned dreams of people of a far country in the North whose history emerged through jokes and references. Later, to better understand those references, I researched the history of that country. It was the beginning of a complicated relationship.


Act II: South American Rockers

We Gen Xers  were, by far, the most “Americanized” generation of Latin Americans up to that point. Many of us grew up to become grunge, punk, metalero, alternativo. But this did not mean we held the U.S., as a political entity, in high regard.

In the ‘60s Latin American rock was made up mostly of cover bands knocking off U.S. rock. In the ‘80s, Latin American rock became a thing of its own. A massive one.  In Mexico, Chile, Brazil and Argentina, bands like El Tri,  Sepultura, and Soda became the soundtrack of democratization. The parodic, self-deprecating-but-proud songs of Los Prisioneros reflected an era in which American democratic values were thrown against U.S. sponsored tyrannies: Democracy had to be robbed, in the way of Prometheus, from a global power that didn’t think we deserved it. 

At first the Old Left, as conservative as the Christians, could not make sense of the youngsters who listened to Kurt Cobain and Mano Negra, who claimed to be anarchist, Marxist—whatever the revolutionary flavor of the day. Was that noise not the music of imperialism?

In my coming of age, the traditional folk songs and the cringe melancholy of the state sponsored Trova Cubana, which hegemonized the protest song, gave way to ska, hard core and hip-hop.  Bands, like the Fabulosos Cadillacs, whose style changed violently from album to album, from song to song, expressed that zeitgeist just as well as Aeon Flux, with its nihilistic rebelliousness, or the strange Zapatista revolt that happened in a very specific place—but mostly in the media—in the minds of people and without a claim to power: We  didn’t know if it was a game changer, or simply a form of hopelessness.

When Subcomandante Marcos emerged, dramatically as the latest masked man of Mexico, I was a college student in Caracas, a city in a valley in the middle of the mountains, but very close to the Caribbean sea. I had much less time to watch television—sometimes I didn’t even have a TV—but I was healthier, maintaining a social and political life on the beautiful campus. 

I was not disconnected though. I watched cable television in the homes of friends or on vacation, and eventually they put a TV set in a cafe of my faculty, which became a kind of media laboratory. In those times, the crazy multiplication of channels brought some novelties: The Latin American channel Locomotion specialized in animation. People spent hours debating the puzzles of the X-Files. One vacation, seeking to understand what my friends were always talking about, I got a bunch of VHS tapes and I submerged myself: The first binge watching session of my life.

Meanwhile, it was the Golden Age of Japanese animation, seeded with great talents, nurtured with enormous investments. If not for the robust emergent VHS market, we may never have found the new classics like Akira—and yes, hentai too, like the Blue Girl. As I moved through my teenage years, shows like Super Agent Cobra and Robotech had indicated that anime was maturing with us, becoming kinky, romantic, political, hyper-violent.

Needless to say, it blew my mind. But it was not until I saw the legendary sequence of Ghost in the Shell, in which a traditional Japanese wedding song underlays a gorgeous portrayal of Hong-Kong, that I realized, now explicitly, that this was an art form in every sense of the word, and that I could cultivate my taste for for it over the rest of my life.

It was after leaving behind the awe of childhood that I started to understand more precisely why Japanese animation had that power, and in particular, the power to connect the archaic past with the distant future.

The art wasn’t naive folklorism; it was rooted deep in their culture, their history. In fact those mutant psychics, cyborgs, bounty hunters and urban magicians of Golden Age Anime living in their megazones or geofronts were like the patron saints of the cyberpunk world in which we were just beginning to live—even more cyberpunk for us, in the Third World, where the high tech met the lowest standard of life. (The narco, for example, is totally cyberpunk.) A few years later, everyone would have a cell phone and favelas would be covered in a forest of satellite dishes.

When cable TV, cell phones and the internet became common, we synchronized with the rest of the world. We no longer waited months or years to receive shows from other parts of the planet. The internet, which I didn’t know about until I was 21, became my new addiction.

The Great Stream had begun: Enormous markets of pirated CDs and DVDs sprung on our cities, bearing hard core pornography and packages from the Criterion Collection. This media arrived, of course, amid an oil boom that gave us decent jobs, and I could buy all the otaku-nerdy things that I wanted.

Still, it was a fleeting and final period of youth, and for me it ended between September 11, 2001 and April 11th of the next year, with the failed coup in Venezuela. The paradoxical hopes of the ‘90s ended, and we entered a period of successively deeper crises. The mad years of the oil boom produced several disasters, giving way to the collapse, especially in my country, which began long before the global media noticed it.

I worked many jobs. One of them was with a prestigious Venezuelan publisher adapting Latin American literary classics into comics. I saw how young artists drew from manga or American comics to cultivate their own style.

In my 40s, I became a guest professor in my university, at last capable of explaining pop culture and transculturation to a generation that had lived it even deeper than mine. I was kind of popular, which is not a feat, if you know that in the 2010s, students were receiving mostly the same old washed-up theories from the ‘70s and ‘80s.

I enjoyed teaching for a while, before I had to leave my country, realizing that the cyberpunk saga was giving way to a post-apocalyptic one.

Now we live the same planetary existence, unable to go back to the past. But the world is much more fragmented, and this atavism had produced its own striking transculturation dynamics: A synthesis of a chauvinistic militarism, conservative Christianity, and the old-style leftism sprung together in my country, and took it over.

In the meantime, I can avoid indulging in the stories that I started to put together in the ‘90s, in the simmering of my youth, but still wonder if there remains time to pull from it something unexpected, a Great—or at least decent—Latin American novel that has something of the manga, the sci-fi, a stylized comic flair. This would be nothing new: Graft the world onto our republics, but let the trunk remain our own. José Martí said that, long ago. It is our way, but only because it is the human way. ▩


‘To Condemn Someone is to Condemn Yourself’

Venita Blackburn finds vitality in the very lives that we tend to ignore or dismiss

by

Hunter Liguore

Season Categories Published
MP705 Q&A

Jun 20, 2023


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The writer Venita Blackburn often—and expertly—depicts alienation, specifically the day-to-day variety prompted by the disapproving, disqualifying glances of others. A professor at California State University, Fresno, and the founder and president of the Live, Write, Workshop, which offers free creative writing workshops to communities of color, Blackburn finds vitality in the very lives that we tend to ignore or dismiss—and invites us to be mindful of the glances, thoughts, and actions we carry out into the world. 

In what ways did growing up in Compton set the stage or influence your writing life? 

The Compton I grew up in wasn’t the one I think a lot of people think about from movies. Yes, there were gangs and poverty, but it’s mostly a working-class suburb with families living their lives. Yes, gun violence and police brutality touched my family, but I remember most the gender discrepancies and what I thought were unfair treatments of me because I wasn’t allowed to play outside like the boys. 

There was an air of danger presented to me about the outside world around me specifically because I was a girl. That was weird and unjust to me then and looking back probably reasonable. That pressure on girlhood definitely shaped my self-realization and choice of content as an artist. There’s also this new romanticizing of Compton because some extremely successful people have come out of the city when it has such a violent reputation. I’m all for it, ha! The world loves an underdog story. I do too. 

Who were some of your early influences—mentors, books, or otherwise that made an impact/impression? 

My mother was my biggest influencer for sure, cultivated a love of learning and self-education. I always mention the greats, Toni Morrison and James Baldwin as literary gurus for me, not just for the work they produced in fiction but also for their philosophy of the world and the profound grace in which they spoke and lived. Of course they were often the smartest people in the room. Because they were also Black, in a racially immature civilization, they were often met with astonishment at the audacity of their talent and their extraordinary awareness of it all. I call that a master class in how to just be. I also watch a lot of cartoons and I am not ashamed. There’s something limitless about the imagination in the realm of animation that I think encourages me to seek more unorthodox shapes in my stories and characters. The queerer the cartoon the better these days.   

Share a “deciding moment” when you chose writing as a career/option: the moment you knew there was no backing out?

I quit my retail management job when I was 21 and went to grad school for creative writing. The real world seemed like a total scam. I figured I could write, be poor and be happy rather than work a normal job, have money and be miserable. Weirdly enough money is not off limits to writers as I thought or was led to believe. I remember as an undergrad the administrators said that artists won’t make as much early but will catch up later. There’s some truth to that.

Can you share your process for selecting the short stories that grew into Black Jesus and Other Superheroes?  

I did have a certain thematic idea for the collection surrounding special abilities/disabilities/perspectives that are extraordinary in an ordinary world and not necessarily very helpful in a practical sense. I’m fascinated with people that are burdened by superpowers rather than freed by them. 

Can you share the inspiration for the title story, Black Jesus? What was a challenge you faced when writing it, if any?  

That one is around ten years old now. I’m not sure exactly what I was thinking, but I do know it fits my brand of questioning all instructions given even if they are supposedly divine. I grew up as a Southern Baptist in mostly Black communities, so religious iconography that featured racially appropriate material was common and intriguing. 

What story from the collection are you most proud of and why?

Brim is special because I got to write a little outside of myself, a male perspective, a disabled person. I am an advocate for writing the other if you’re careful and honor that, utilizing experiences you know well as an entry point.  

In “Smoothies” from How to Wrestle a Girl: Stories you slow time down. It was like reading through a microscope, super close… then a telescope, wide and expansive… 

Yes! That was the plan and that is my favorite kind of flash fiction, the kind that can go very small and very big, cover whole lifetimes or generations or the range of our entire species. That’s the magic to me. I believe we are intrinsically connected in this reality on a molecular level and another level, call it the soul, call it consciousness, call it pheromones. Whether chemical or spiritual, “Smoothies” is about the blend of us (pun intended) and how we are each other and to condemn someone is to condemn yourself. 

If you could change places for a day with any one of your characters, who would it be, and why?  

Those people are wrecks! I cannot dream of exchanging my life for theirs even though so much of my life is a direct reflection of them. That’s a fun question though. Gosh, there is a character called Toni in the story, “Brim,” that is smoking hot, queer and owns a successful tattoo parlor. She’s cool enough to walk around in for a while. I’m currently writing some speculative work. There’s a kind of time traveling dark entity with a great sense of humor in some of my current, unpublished work that I might trade places with. I love agents of chaos because they are so different from how I live my own life with a careful eye on order.

Are there any tips you can share about writing, things that have helped you? 

Write for yourself first. Write to be understood next.

I want to let the work exist and illuminate the various recesses of our civilization and psyches. After that, I try to make sure my points are clear. Everyone is a potential audience member. I don’t exclude, but I don’t cater to anyone although I love my queers!

One thing you want to leave readers with? Words to live by? 

Write like it will save your life. ▩


It’s June. Time to Eat.

A tale of mice — and friendship. Recipes for the summer ahead. And what’s really cooking in Taiwan?

by

Betsy Robinson Marie Dohrs Prashantha Lachanna

Season Published
MP704

Jun 06, 2023


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First, he was prowling through my hanging spice basket. Startled by my shriek, he looked at me as if to say “What’s your problem?!” Then he shinnied down the basket string, curled his pudgy body into a ball, and dropped. I gingerly picked through the bucket of paper bags he seemed to have landed in—but he was gone.

In the ensuing days, he pushed the plastic lid off my rice jar and feasted; he leapt from shelf to countertop like a crazed flying squirrel and skittered across the stove while I stir-fried broccoli and garlic; late-nights he vaulted from countertop to hanging pots in my cubbyhole of a kitchen, flinging jar tops, aluminum lids, and silverware I found strewn across the ancient floor tiles the next morning.  

I’d euthanized my 17-year-old dog Daisy after three years of 3 a.m. blind night terrors and unexplained weight loss. “She’ll tell you when she’s done,” the vet had assured me. I spent the next month numb with grief, and the sudden company of another warm-blooded animal pierced the vacuum. “I’m not alone,” I thought from bed, as I listened to him play. 

Still, I wanted him gone. I’d read that each species of animal has one soul, so I prayed to the oversoul of mice for him to leave. I left the windows open and I entered my apartment shouting, “Mouse, be gone!”

The biodegradable bait I bought on the internet promised to cause the rodent no distress. Three to five days after “intake,” my friend would have his water absorption capacities disrupted; he would become sleepy, retreat to a burrow, drift into a coma, and die painlessly. It smelled hearty, like All-Bran cereal.

The last night, my friend sounded like he was wearing sneakers as he did his acrobatics—the bait had made him heavy-footed. Two days later, I pulled the refrigerator away from the wall to retrieve his body, but there was only a few strands of crumbled bait, and a lingering putrid stink.

—Betsy Robinson


This springy dinner party menu uses lots of fresh herbs and bright lemon, set against meaty (MSG-infused) mushrooms, smoky sweet Chinese eggplant, and crispy briny capers.

If making the dishes together, many steps can be combined—like roasting the red bell pepper, garlic and broccolini together; soaking the eggplant while the veggies roast; and boiling the pasta in the same water that you use to blanch the mushrooms.

The bean purée and the harissa can be made a day or two in advance, and the salad and broccolini can be plated first and served at room temperature. Make the pasta just before serving so it’s hot and glossy.


Photos by Marie Dohrs

An extra-credit dessert will finish off your jar of preserved lemons. Rinse two of them off, remove the seeds from the pulp as best as you can, and purée the rind and pulp with 1/4 cup honey, 2 tablespoons lemon juice, the spent rind of a quarter lemon, and 2 tablespoons olive oil until smooth. Drizzle this salty lemon curd-ish situation over vanilla bean ice cream with a handful of berries, and top with fresh mint.


Charred Broccolini with Roasted Garlic White Bean Purée

Ingredients | serves 4-6

For the white bean purée:

  • 15 ounce can cannellini or other white beans, drained and rinsed
  • 1 head garlic
  • 1 tablespoon chopped fresh rosemary
  • 2 tablespoons lemon juice
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil, plus a little more for roasting the garlic
  • 1 teaspoon garlic powder
  • 1 teaspoon smoked paprika 
  • Kosher salt

For the broccolini/to serve:

  • 1 bunch broccolini (about 8 ounces)
  • 1 tablespoon olive oil
  • Kosher salt
  • 1 preserved lemon, rinsed, with pulp removed and rind cut into thin slivers
  • Nice olive oil and/or chili oil 
  • Baguette or crusty bread 

Directions

Make the white bean purée:

– Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Slice off the top of the head of garlic and trim off extra skin so each clove is exposed enough to squeeze out after roasting. Drizzle with olive oil and rub it in so each clove tip gets lubed up. Wrap tightly in foil or parchment paper, then place on a baking sheet and roast for 35 minutes, or until it feels squishy inside its little packet. Remove and let cool.

-Add the cannellini beans to the bowl of a food processor. Unwrap the cooled roasted garlic and squeeze the cloves in with the beans.. Add the chopped rosemary, lemon juice, olive oil, garlic powder and smoked paprika, and a big pinch of kosher salt. Purée until smooth and adjust seasonings to taste.

Make the broccolini:

– If your oven isn’t still on, reheat to degrees and line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Wash the broccolini and pat dry. Trim any rough ends and toss with a tablespoon of olive oil and spread on the same baking sheet. For crispier broccolini, hold off on salting until they’re just out of the oven. Roast for 15 minutes or until the florets are brown and crispy. Remove, sprinkle with salt, and let cool.

– To serve, spread the purée on a serving dish. Chop the broccolini into bite-sized pieces and pile them on top of the purée. Scatter the preserved lemon rind slivers over the broccolini. Drizzle with your favorite olive and/or chili oil. Scoop up with warm slices of baguette or crusty bread. 

Lemony Herby Mushroom Salad

Ingredients | serves 4-6

  • 3 large king oyster mushrooms 
  • 2-3 big handfuls of arugula
  • 3 tablespoons finely chopped fresh herbs (like dill, mint and parsley), plus more for garnish
  • 4 cloves of garlic, grated into a paste
  • 5 tablespoons lemon juice 
  • 5 tablespoons olive oil
  • Kosher salt
  • Black pepper
  • Pinch of MSG
  • 1 teaspoon sugar 

Directions

– Put a pot of water on to boil. Meanwhile, make the dressing in a medium bowl by whisking the grated garlic with lemon juice, salt, sugar, MSG, and several cranks of black pepper. Add the olive oil and whisk until emulsified. Whisk in the finely chopped fresh herbs. Adjust salt, sugar and lemon juice to taste. 

– Slice off the tough ends of the mushrooms and tear into bite-size strips. When the water is boiling, throw in the mushrooms and blanch for 90 seconds. Scoop out with a slotted spoon and let drain in a sieve. Pat dry with a paper towel and toss in the dressing. Let sit for 10 minutes or so to soak up the dressing. 

– To serve, place a bed of arugula on a serving dish. Pile the mushrooms on top and drizzle the remaining dressing over the arugula. Garnish with more herbs.

Spicy Harissa Pasta alla Vodka with Za’atar Eggplant, Fried Capers and Feta

Ingredients | serves 4-6

For the harissa:

  • 1 large red bell pepper, cut in half with stem and seeds removed (or 4 ounces jarred roasted red bell peppers)
  • 1 guajillo chile, plus 2-5 chiles de arbol depending on desired spice level
  • 1 heaping tablespoon tomato paste
  • 3 cloves of garlic, smashed and peeled
  • 1/2 tablespoon ground coriander
  • 1/2 tablespoon ground cumin
  • 1 teaspoon smoked paprika
  • Kosher salt
  • Juice and zest of half a lemon
  • 1 tablespoon olive oil

For the pasta:

  • 2 medium Chinese eggplants, sliced into half-inch rounds
  • 1 teaspoon za’atar
  • 1/4 cup capers, drained
  • 4 tablespoons olive oil, divided
  • 1 pound pasta in a shape that holds sauce well: rigatoni, conchiglie, casciatelli, ziti, etc.
  • 1 tablespoon butter
  • 1/4 cup vodka
  • 2/3 cup heavy cream
  • 2/3 cup grated Parmesan
  • Crumbled feta to serve
  • Parsley or other tender herbs to garnish

Directions

Make the harissa:

– Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Drizzle the halves of the bell pepper with olive oil and rub in on both sides; sprinkle liberally with salt. Place cut-side down on the baking sheet. Roast for 35 minutes or until collapsed and blistering.

– Meanwhile, prepare the dried chilies by placing them in a bowl and covering them in hot water.

– Remove the bell pepper and place a bowl upside down over it on the baking sheet; the steam will make the skin slide off once cool enough to peel.

– The dried chilies should be rehydrated and tender by now; drain the water and remove the stems and seeds. 

– Peel the bell pepper and place in a food processor with the guajillo chile, olive oil, smashed garlic, zest and juice of half a lemon, smoked paprika, coriander, cumin, and garlic powder, and a big pinch of kosher salt. Pulse together, scraping down the sides as necessary. Add the chiles de arbol one or two at a time and taste the spice level as you go; we will be adding heavy cream later, so it’s okay to overshoot the spice a bit. When it’s all smooth, you should end up with about a cup. Adjust seasoning to taste.

Make the pasta:

– Soak the eggplant rounds in cold salty water for 15 minutes. Drain and pat dry, then toss with 1 tablespoon olive oil, za’atar, and a pinch of salt.

– Heat a large nonstick pan or cast-iron skillet to medium-high with 1 tablespoon of olive oil. When hot, throw your capers into the oil; they should sizzle and sputter. Roll them around for 3-4 minutes until they’re blistered and crispy; remove from pan and set aside.

– Add a little more oil if necessary and fry the eggplant for 4-5 minutes per side, until brown and slightly charred. Remove and set aside; it will continue to soften as it cools. 

– Wipe out the pan and add the harissa (it’s okay if you have a little more or less than a cup), then add a tablespoon of butter and stir to melt it in. Cook this mixture for about 8 minutes, stirring every minute or two but letting it brown on the bottom of the pan.

– While the harissa mixture cooks, salt a pot of water until it tastes good and bring it to a boil. Cook the pasta to al dente according to the package directions then drain, conserving some of the pasta water.

– Deglaze the pan with the vodka and stir to combine. Reduce heat to low and add the heavy cream. Let simmer on low while the pasta cooks, then bring to medium-low and add 2/3 cup of the pasta water and the Parmesan while stirring. Taste and add salt or more Parmesan if desired.

– Add the pasta to the sauce and toss until completely coated. Add more pasta water if you want it to be saucier. 

– To serve, divide the pasta among the dishes and top with the eggplant rounds. Scatter the fried capers over the pasta and eggplant. Top with crumbled feta and torn parsley.

—Marie Dohrs


The People’s Republic of China looms menacingly across the Taiwanese straight. However, Taiwan is as peaceful and productive as ever.

Folk and death metal bands alike preside at Taipei Veggie Fest, as vendors cook up plant-based deliciousness to serve alongside craft brews and cocktails. The festival, running since 1999. initially consisted of “a weird mix of monks, vegetarians, and some bands,” said Sean Scanlan, the event’s founder. “Like everything worthwhile and pioneering, it was equal parts happenstance, hard work, and some misfortune.”

Vegetarian and vegan culture run deep in Taiwan, a subtropical, tea-leaf-shaped island located off the coast of East Asia. The two main religions are Taoism and Buddhism, and traditional Taiwanese cooking reflects a non-violent ethos. Plant-based buffets pepper every city in Taiwan. It is common to see long lines of hungry patrons with food trays and tongs in hand, neatly picking their way through a dazzling feast of brightly colored, locally-grown vegetables, noodles, and rice dishes piled high on the buffet table.

Dishes, generally speaking, are stir-fried, stewed, braised, or deep-fried. Some buffets have a salad section, emphasizing fermented foods. Sprout wraps, pickled cucumber, beets with sour plum powder, and red, white, and gold kimchi enliven the lunch menu. For the cooked items, generous additions of freshly chopped garlic, ginger root, chili, spring onion, and Taiwanese basil elevate every dish, tossed in sesame oil, mushroom powder, fermented black beans, seaweed and spice mixes, peanuts, chestnuts, lotus seeds, rice wine, and Chinese toona sauce.

The very first night market opened more than a hundred years ago, with an array of delicate xiao chi, or “small eats.” Today, hoards feverishly follow The Little Vegetarian Night Market, a convoy of food trucks that travel from city to city, founded by two friends struggling to operate their own vegetarian restaurants in rural towns. Crowds bring their own bowls, chopsticks, and cups, pursuing the dream of a “zero-waste” market. Diners gorge deep-fried spicy vegetarian chicken, cold Korean noodles, soup dumplings, okonomiyaki—savory Japanese pancakes—Mexican tacos and burritos, spring onion cakes, and teppanyaki shawarma.

Fourteen percent of the Taiwanese population is vegetarian—putting it in league with Israel and even India—and meatless institutions like the traveling market grow ever more niche. Vegan gelato boutiques pepper upscale shopping districts. Milk stalls line busy roads, alongside vegan hair salons, shoe stores, bakeries, cafes, Michelin restaurants. The capital, Taipei, stands among the most vegan and vegetarian-friendly cities on earth.

Food anchors an expanding vegan ecosystem. Taiwan minister of digital affairs Audrey Tang, the first transgender official in the top executive cabinet and a devoted Taoist meditator, pushes for vegan-themed events around the island. Taiwan’s burgeoning drag subculture incorporates the vegan principle. The writer, artist, and vegan activist drag king Darice Chang—AKA Dan Dan Demolition—uses second hand or handmade outfits and avoids accessories derived from animals.

Come on out for a visit. It is easy to see why this tectonically-tempestuous little island, roughly the size of Delaware and Maryland combined, is a plant-based powerhouse that allows people to fluidly live their preferences with compassion, kindness, and a whole lot of fun.

—Prashantha Lachanna


Stolen Treasures—And the Lucrative Black Market That Spans the Globe

Unearthed in conflict zones like Ukraine, ancient objects vanish into an illicit network of crime syndicates, shady art dealers, and sometimes, the richest museums on earth.

Graphic by Adam Strawbridge

by

Lukas Becker

Season Categories Published
MP612 Reportage

Feb 28, 2023


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Early in 2022, Russian troops poured into the southern Ukrainian city of Melitopol and raided the local history museum, a modest, neoclassical building on a tree-lined street. Soldiers abducted the museum’s director Leila Ibrahimova and curator Galina Andriivna Kucher at gunpoint. They were looking for the museum’s famed trove of Scythian gold jewelry. But under interrogation, both women refused to reveal where their team had hidden the treasure.

At this point, researcher Samuel Hardy had been monitoring the online chatter on Russian and Ukrainian looters’ message boards for weeks. Just days into the invasion, looters—among them border guards and soldiers—were posting pictures of ancient art they had looted from Ukrainian museums.

While the Russian soldiers‘ pursuit of the Melitopol Scythian gold was part of a targeted, politically motivated attempt to remove objects significant to Ukraine’s national identity from its territory, most looters’ participation in the black market for ancient objects is animated by more prosaic, financial motives.

Trench warfare in eastern Ukraine has meant the surfacing of many antique artifacts, the Ukrainian archaeologist Serhii Telizhenko told me, holding up to a laptop camera a medieval funerary bowl, recently found in a grave blown open by artillery shelling near Luhansk. 

Russian and Ukrainian units dig up ancient objects while fortifying their positions, and Telizhenko, who is based in Kyiv, said he has regularly received artifacts sent back by Ukrainian soldiers.

But it’s been impossible for him and his colleagues to tell how many objects vanish, only to show up on online message boards or flea markets in Eastern Ukraine and Russia, where they sell for a few rubles and are forever lost to archaeology. Ukrainian officials struggle to track the objects they do see online, as they cannot access Russian websites, even via VPN.

As Telizhenko’s contacts in Russia and the occupied Donbas regions confirmed, Russian soldiers were supplementing their pay, selling not only looted fridges, electronics and military medals, but also pictures, statuettes, mosaics, coins, vases, gems, and busts taken from archaeological excavation sites and private property.

The goods populating the looters’ message boards were generally small sale, but the field they’ve entered is a lucrative one. Experts believe that, after drugs and weapons, looted art ranks third among the most lucrative black-market fields on earth.


The Network

A high demand for classically antique artifacts has traditionally made the Mediterranean region the center of the looted antiquities market. But wherever in the world conflicts flare up, networks of looters, smugglers and traders soon prosper.

During its reign of terror, the Khmer Rouge financed itself by looting Angkor Wat and selling the artifacts to Western traders. Following the Gulf Wars and especially since 2015, the antiquities market was flooded with Mesopotamian art from Iraq and Syria—mosaics and bas-reliefs from Palmyra, Mosul, Homs.

That latest wave of product is likely yet to crest, as many objects end up in the showrooms of London and New York auction houses only after delays on the order of ten years. And since the artifacts looted in Syria are freshly excavated, they are exceptionally difficult to track. In 2015, when U.S. special forces killed the Islamic State’s finance minister, Abu Sayyaf, at his estate, they confiscated dozens of hard drives and USB sticks containing hundreds of terabytes of data. An analysis provided one of the few reliable figures that exist about the antiquities black market—20 percent: the tax rate the Islamic State levied on art exports.

Syrian and Mesopotamian artifacts were mostly smuggled across the Turkish border to Gaziantep or Lebanon. From there, they were shipped in containers to Italy or Spain—a relatively risk-free operation, as only a tiny percentage of containers ever get opened in customs inspections. Once on the European continent, the looted art quickly disappeared into the warehouses of traders and middlemen, where provenance often gets falsified.

Buyers—museums and collectors, for example—generally avoid legal liability by purchasing the objects “in good faith,” a requirement satisfied with a superficial scan of an international art loss register, or even by their trust in the dealer. 

Hardy, a cultural property criminologist at Rey Juan Carlos University and the Norwegian Institute for Cultural Heritage Research, has for years investigated the illegal trade in looted ancient art from conflict zones like Cyprus and Kosovo. It’s a relatively novel line of work. The illegal antiquities trade might be—as a colleague of Hardy’s once put it— “the second oldest profession in the world,“ but the black market has only in the past three decades faced serious public scrutiny.

It started with a traffic accident in 1995. Pasquale Camera, one of Italy’s most prominent antiquities smugglers, had eaten a big lunch ahead of his drive from Naples to Rome. A large man, Camera had fallen asleep at the wheel of his car and crashed to his death off a mountainous road near Monte Cassino north of Naples. He hadn’t worn his seat belt; it didn’t fit around his waist. In the glove compartment, Italian law enforcement, which had for months been tapping Camera’s car and phones, found photographs of looted antiquities.

These photographs led them to his apartment. As Camera’s bereaved mother stood by, the police cased the place, and found the so-called “organigram“—a hand-written spreadsheet naming Camera’s major accomplices: a network of smugglers, traders, collectors and often-celebrated museum curators, spanning the globe.


Athens

Christos Tsirogiannis, a forensic archaeologist, became involved with the ensuing, sprawling legal case more than ten years later. Tall, with streaks of gray tinging his brown beard, he spoke with me from his office in Aarhus, Denmark last June, remembering the eve of the opening ceremony of the Athens Summer Olympics on August 12, 2004.

Ventilation fans sifted hot air through a government office in the back of the National Archaeological Museum in Athens, which at that time had been embroiled in a dispute with the British Museum over a loan of the Elgin Marbles to celebrate the Games. Part of the original Parthenon, the marbles were taken from the Acropolis in 1801—even some contemporaries called it “theft“—and had been displayed in London since 1816. The British Museum had refused to loan them back for the duration of the Olympic Games, to the chagrin of many Greek archaeologists, and politicians.

Tsirogiannis was one of the few employees still in the office at this hour and half out the door, when the phone rang. An officer from the Greek police’s so-called Art Squad was calling. The police were looking for an archaeological expert for an assignment that same evening. They had had trouble finding someone willing to accompany them. No ministry employees had come forward for the voluntary and unpaid assignment.

Tsirogiannis was intrigued however, and a few hours later, he watched from the back of a squad car as officers surrounded a Greek orthodox monastery in Megara, northwest of Athens, and escorted the handcuffed abbot off the compound. The head of the Art Squad gave Tsirogiannis a tour: Storage rooms full of ancient Roman amphorae, figurines, pottery, oil lamps and elaborately painted drinking bowls. These artifacts had been taken from the graves of Roman patricians and looted all over Greece. Tsirogiannis was stunned.

The officers of the Art Squad pieced together what had probably happened: During building work on the monastery grounds a few years ago, construction workers had come across the remains of an ancient Roman cemetery in the excavation pit. The monks broke into the graves, looted the contents, and displayed them in the newly built premises of the monastery. The abbot, who had caught collector’s fever, had then sent out his monks all over Greece looking for more ancient artifacts for the collection. Shortly thereafter, two of the monks were caught by police trying to break an ancient fresco from a Byzantine chapel ruin on Lesbos and were arrested. They testified that they were from the Megara monastery, alerting the Art Squad to the collection.

The Art Squad of the Greek police at that time consisted of about 18 officers. They pursued tomb robbers, smugglers, dealers, and buyers of looted art in Greece and abroad, with the goal of bringing stolen and illegally trafficked artifacts back into state possession. Despite the chronically understaffed team’s efforts—many officers had to double as security details of Greek politicians—a consistent flow of artifacts left the world’s foremost origin country of antique art every day, a tide that was almost impossible to stem.

The Greek Art Squad went quietly about its business (unlike their Italian counterparts, who, once they had managed to bring an object back home, would often pose at festive press conferences in their parade uniforms, with the artifacts neatly laid out on a velvet cloth).

Back at the monastery, the police loaded the ancient objects into vans and transported them back to Athens. Tsirogiannis rode with the head of the squad, whose cell phone rang the whole way home: local officials calling to demand the abbot’s release.

The monks were under the protection of the Orthodox Church. Strangely though, the head of the Art Squad didn’t relent. “The officers of the Art Squad were incorruptible,” Tsirogiannis said. ”At that moment, I decided to work with them.“

Until 11 p.m., the officers and Tsirogiannis remained at the station, filling out the paperwork for the antique objects before they were transferred to the Ministry of Culture. An officer pulled out from his desk drawer a bottle of whiskey. The team toasted the mission, as cigarette smoke collected against the ceiling.

For the next four and a half years, Tsirogiannis worked every day from 7:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. at the Ministry of Culture, before heading to the Art Squad office. There he labored into night time identifying looted art and preparing to testify as an expert witness at trials, a role few archaeologists dared take on given the threat of retaliations by the criminal groups that profit from the smuggling trade. 

During his time with the Art Squad, Tsirogiannis handled 140 cases. One of these would help expose a global network of profiteering—and involve the then world’s richest museum, and its curator.


Marion True

The cottage stood on the coast of the Cyclades island of Paros, looking out at the bay. Cypresses blew gently in the wind, and small white sugar cube houses pocked the barren landscape.

Marion True, longtime chief curator of the Getty Museum’s collection of antiquities, couldn’t resist. The previous occupant, a Swedish actress known from Ingmar Bergman films, was willing to sell the house. But the $400,000 purchase price outstripped the curator’s modest salary, even though by this summer of 1994, True had for nearly a decade been one of the leading antiquities curators in the U.S.

Jiri Frel, her scandal-plagued predecessor, had brought True to the Getty in 1982. When oil tycoon and art collector Jean Paul Getty had died a few years earlier, he bequeathed much of his fortune to his charitable foundation. The jewel of this fortune was the museum at his Pacific Palisades mansion.

Derided in the U.S. as kitsch, modeled after the Italian Villa dei Papiri preserved in Vesuvian ashes, the Getty Museum had initially enjoyed the dubious reputation of a private collection lacking not in financial resources but in taste and curatorial expertise.

As chief curator, Frel had grown frustrated at the Getty Foundation’s inflexible structures—the board had to approve every new exhibit acquisition—and had set out to forge a new reputation for the institution. He developed a network of wealthy donors, who would buy artifacts from friendly dealers and donate them to the Getty collection.

The benefits for these donors went beyond mere prestige, however. Through restoration and display at the mansion, a pile of broken pieces that a donor had bought for a few thousand dollars became an antique vase whose value—at least on the donor’s tax return—could run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars.

As the journalists Jason Felch and Ralph Frammolino would go on to report in their book Chasing Aphrodite, Frel’s friends and acquaintances acted as “experts,” and inflated the value estimates of these objects. Frel, they reported, had secretaries falsify invoices and provenance papers, and his wife allegedly smuggled artifacts through U.S. customs in her purse.

The reporters also found that the Getty foundation CEO and the museum director had ignored the warnings of their antiquities chief Arthur Houghton, who resigned in protest. When the IRS launched an investigation into the Getty, Frel quickly left for a sabbatical in Paris, and museum management appointed True, who had worked under Frel for four years, to be his successor.

A small woman with big, probing blue eyes and a puffed-up hairdo, True had studied classical archaeology, but preferred the air-conditioned museum world to the sweat and grime of excavation sites. She was known for her eye for detail—and a dissolute lifestyle she couldn‘t personally afford. Her tenure at the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston established her among a network of wealthy East Coast collectors; she moved freely among this upper crust, without ever actually having the means to do so.

Under Frel, the museum had for a combined $14 million acquired its two most spectacular exhibits—both of dubious origin. The first was the so-called Getty bronze, a sculpture of a victorious athlete pulled from the Adriatic Sea by Italian fishermen in 1964. The exact location and thus the question of whether the bronze belonged to the Italian state had been argued in an Italian court case for years.

The other was the Getty kouros, an archaic sculpture whose authenticity had been repeatedly questioned by experts. The sign at the base of the statue said “Greek, ca. 530 B.C. or modern fake.“

Such was the institutional sensibility when True took over the Getty antiquities collection. But she belonged to a new generation of curators. At conferences of the Council of American Museums, she vigorously called to reform the ethical guidelines for acquiring ancient art. At the time the U.S., out of fear it would hamper its museums‘ ability to acquire objects of international importance, was yet to sign even the legally non-binding UNESCO Declaration to Stop Illicit Trafficking in Cultural Property, which treated antiquities exported from their country of origin after 1970 without state approval as contraband. Assailing the “don’t ask, don’t tell“ attitude of many museums, True appealed to colleagues to put provenance research at the forefront of their acquisition policies.

Her calls for reform grated on many museum directors, such as Philippe de Montebello, of New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art and an ardent critic of True’s proposals. But despite her supposed idealism, True couldn’t defy the laws of the museum market. She urgently needed to present a significant exhibit, lest the Getty fall behind the Met in the race for significance.

In 1987, a few years before her visit to Paros, the British art dealer Robin Symes had called True. He invited her to view a Sicilian cult statue of a Venus in his London showroom. Over two meters high, shaped from white marble, it was a magnificent piece. Its price? $20 million, which would rank it among the most expensive works of ancient art ever put on the market.

Several visible fractures ran through the white stone, however. Tools used by looters had obviously damaged the statue. Still, according to Felch and Frammolino, True overlooked the marks, and said she was interested.

Back in California, another red flag emerged: It was a phone call from an antiquities dealer to the former Met director Thomas Hoving, claiming that years ago an infamous Sicilian smuggler had offered the statue to him. Hoving in turn called the Getty board.

Scrambling to clear up the piece’s provenance and satisfy the Italian state’s demands for documentation prior to a sale, True contacted the British archaeologist Malcolm Bell, who was leading excavations in Morgantina, the Venus’s supposed origin.

Bell investigated and heard that in 1978, as he had been on home leave, rumors of illegal excavations at a temple site had made the rounds and grave robbers had left behind a large pedestal, on which Bell suspected a large statue of a goddess would have stood. But since he and his Italian colleagues were unable to unequivocally prove that the “Venus” originated from Morgantina, the Getty was able to legally acquire the statue. After the renovation of the Getty mansion, the statue was to welcome visitors directly in front of the elevators.

Despite the controversial purchase, True revised the Getty’s acquisition’s guidelines, forcing suppliers to provide an extensive paper trail testifying to the provenance of each object, pushing the policy through against the board’s opposition and making the Getty’s set of guidelines arguably the strictest in the U.S.

Meanwhile, she leveraged her influence in the New York art scene to expand the museum’s collection. The collector couple Lawrence and Barbara Fleischman, close friends of True, had fallen out with the Met and its director de Montebello. True proposed to honor them with an exhibition of their massive private collection, at the Getty’s expense. The Fleischmans accepted—a coup for True.

No sooner had the couple seen their collection in the rooms of the villa than True was able to convince them to sell it outright to the Getty. The museum bought the objects, which had impeccable provenance, for over $30 million. The collectors donated the rest.

As for the vacation home, True faced some challenges. No Greek bank would lend True the money for the purchase and no American bank would loan her the funds for a home outside the U.S. Finally Christo Michaelides, a scion of a Greek shipping dynasty, whose family estate was two islands away, referred her to an accountant who channeled True’s loan via a Panamanian shell company, as True confirmed to The New Yorker in 2007.

But True needed an American loan to repay the Greek one. Just days after the Getty bought the Fleischmans’ collection, Larry Fleischman gave True the required cash. Whether True ever paid back a single installment remains unclear. Not even the lawsuit, at the center of which True found herself a few years later, would determine that.

Tsirogiannis entered True’s vacation home on Paros more than a decade later, in the spring of 2006. He found parts of ancient architecture embedded in the walls and floors, and tried to avoid stepping on them as he escorted the Art Squad police officers through the rooms. Law enforcement confiscated 33 antique objects that day, Tsirogiannis remembers, 17 of which were later deemed of dubious origin. True claimed most were already in the house when she bought it.

In True’s study, the police found a notebook with addresses and telephone numbers—including contacts of U.S. art dealer Robert Hecht, Christo Michaelides and Robin Symes, who was at the center of the sprawling investigation that had led Greek police to True’s home.

Christo Michaelides, who had helped True acquire the initial loan for her home, had suffered a fatal accident in 1999, when he fell down a flight of stairs on holiday in an Italian villa. He and Symes had been running a gallery and living together at a shared residence in London. For years they’d claimed to be merely good friends, and denied any romantic relationship. But when Michaelides’s family tried to claim his half of the gallery in inheritance, Symes changed his story, presenting himself as Michaelides’s boyfriend and next of kin.

As journalists Peter Watson and Cecilia Todeschini document in The Medici Conspiracy, Michaelides’s family sued and, after years of litigation, Symes had to disclose his financial books. Law enforcement found evidence that Symes hid significant personal holdings in warehouses in Geneva, near those of the Italian art dealer Giacomo Medici, a regular business partner of his and Robert Hecht’s.


Medici

The name of Medici, an eccentric dealer with a taste for expensive leather jackets and fast cars, had been among those on the “organigram“ found in the apartment of the antique smuggler, Camera, following his car crash death north of Naples.

Medici had sold many objects to Symes. He also sold to Hecht, who had frequently done business with True and the Getty via his New York gallery, Atlantis Antiquities, The New Yorker reported.

After years of negotiations between the Italian and the Swiss governments, police descended on Medici‘s Geneva warehouses. They found hundreds of priceless looted objects. They also found a Polaroid archive, in which Medici had documented the finding, restoration, and sale of all his objects.

The journalist Peter Watson obtained documents from a disgruntled Sotheby’s employee, showing that Medici “laundered” his objects by selling them to a shell company he himself founded—before putting them up for sale at Sotheby’s, sometimes buying them back at inflated prices just to hike up their value.

This “false provenance” made sales of these objects appear legal. But the Polaroid collection revealed Medici’s duplicity. One picture, for example, showed an elaborate sculpture of two griffins attacking a doe, smeared with dirt and soil in the trunk of a car. Medici claimed the sculpture had been in a private collection since before 1970—the judicial cut-off in the UNESCO declaration. But the Polaroid film on which the image was taken had only been around since 1972.

Among the objects thus identified as looted art, were the Euphronios krater, a spectacular piece sold to the Metropolitan Museum in 1972 for the then-record price of $1 million. The list also included several pieces in the Getty collection, which had been sold via Hecht’s New York and Symes’s London galleries. Among these was the Morgantina Venus.

Medici had also kept copies of his correspondence with Symes and Hecht, and with True, which confirmed the Italian prosecutor’s suspicion that Hecht had operated as a front for Medici.

True may have known of the connection between Medici and Hecht. In some cases, Hecht had offered objects to the Getty, sent them to L.A. for inspection only to have them subsequently turned down. As Watson’s The Medici Conspiracy documents, the objects were returned not to Hecht, but directly to Medici.

Hecht died in 2012, Medici did not respond to a request for comment, and efforts to reach True for comment were unsuccessful.

After the Geneva warehouse raids, the Italian and Greek governments quickly demanded the immediate return of the artifacts in the Getty which could be traced back to Medici, including the Morgantina Venus that welcomed visitors to the newly renovated California museum. Officials in both countries charged Marion True and Robert Hecht with receiving stolen antiquities and conspiring to trade in them.

The Italian prosector negotiated with the Getty Museum for more than two years. During this time, True resigned as curator and left the U.S. for Paris, while the Getty Foundation continued to pay her legal fees, according to the reporters Felch and Frammolino, who now run a blog that reports on the field of forensic archaeology.

After several appeals Medici was sentenced to 10 years in prison, and ordered to pay €10 million in compensation to the state. Symes spent three months in prison, connected to his legal battle with Michaelides‘s family.

The Greek cases against True and Hecht, which Tsirogiannis helped prepare, drew on for years before officials dropped them, and in 2010, the statute of limitations expired on the Italian case against True without a conviction. The publicity-shy True afterwards presented herself as a scapegoat sacrificed by the American antiquities community. (The Italian prosecutor, Paolo Ferri, echoed this sentiment.) The Getty returned the bronze, the Kouros and the Morgantina Venus, plus more than 70 objects from the collection to Italy.


Dirty Market

Tsirogiannis was four years old when, in 1977, his parents showed him the first black and white photographs of the interior of the newly discovered tomb of Philip II of Macedon, the father of Alexander the Great.

From then on, he knew he wanted to be an archaeologist. “I want to do right by our ancestors,” he said. “These tomb robbers disturb their peace. And everyone buying the loot is complicit in the destruction of our cultural heritage.“ Tsirogianns thinks the people complicit in the illegal trade need to end up in prison to deter similar bad actors. “If you don’t punish the perpetrators, the trade doesn’t stop. But if you do, the objects come home anyway. It’s not either or.”

Art dealers like Hecht, who was indicted in 2005 but never convicted, often distinguish between a “black market” full of illicit art and a white, clean market. Tsirogiannis shook his head. “Dealers buy with a dirty hand and sell with a clean one,” he said. “There is only one market. And it’s not even gray. It’s black, because it’s run by the same people.“

The illicit antiquities trade can appear victimless at the individual level. Discussions tend to center less on links to terrorist regimes or criminal organizations than on the moral imperatives for museums to return objects looted during colonial rule. But rooting out criminal networks like the one surrounding Medici, Hecht, Symes and True, is imperative in fighting the illicit removal of significant antiquities from their countries of origin.

The Russian attack on Ukraine’s archaeological museums—in a war where stories around cultural heritage serve as the pretext for politically motivated violence—shows the power historical artifacts can have in shaping a cultural identity. And antiquities aren’t the only expressions of cultural heritage under attack. Reporters have chronicled the destruction of paintings by Ukrainian folk artist Maria Prymachenko, and the confiscation and transport of entire art collections from the Donbas region to Russia. “Maybe culture is the enemy for them,“ the former Melitopol museum director Ibrahimova, told The New York Times. ”They said that Ukraine has no state, no history. They just want to destroy our country. I hope they will not succeed.”

The Scythes, who once possessed the gold sought by Russian soldiers invading Melitopol, were a nomadic people, populating the regions north of the Black Sea from the 7th to 4th century BC. Like the Roman Empire to Italy or the Celtics to France, the group animates a modern-day sense of national pride and historical identity for Ukrainians—a connection to the land.

In a conflict in which Russia is trying to undermine the Ukrainian state’s right to exist, erasing or assimilating evidence of this cultural heritage is of primary importance. After the invasion, Russian authorities swiftly installed Evgeny Gorlachev as new the Melitopol museum director, who announced, that the Scythian gold was of “great cultural value to the entire former Soviet Union.“

Ibrahimova, the Melitopol museum director, was released shortly after her interrogation; Russian troops had discovered the Scythian gold. The whereabouts and fate of Kucher, who was abducted a second time afterwards, remain, at least to the public, unknown. ▩


Mistake: I Got Hired As An Adjunct Professor—And Thought Everything Was Comin’ Up Eric

The Trump era was dawning. Colleges were hiring us on the cheap. My students disliked me, and I disliked them back

by

Eric Farwell

Season Categories Published
MP608 Personal History

Jan 03, 2023


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In my fifth year of adjunct teaching, I parked my car on one of the upper floors of my university’s student garage and willed my body to move. I had 15 minutes to get to a class. My students disliked me, and I disliked them back. That same semester, I had tried to harm myself by turning quickly into oncoming traffic outside the one university that treated me with respect and kindness. I didn’t want to die, but I wanted to hit pause on the misery of part-time collegial instruction.

Time ticked. I took a minute to cry and scream in my car while students with bored or smug faces ambled to class in my rear-view mirror. Then I grabbed my legs and hoisted them outside the car, and I made a compromise with myself: I would run 10 minutes late. I grabbed an accordion portfolio of what I hoped were the right essays, crossed my fingers I had graded all of them, popped an edible, and started the walk to the classroom.

My bleak journey began six years prior. After getting an English degree from a college of zero repute, I’d spent my next year depressed, drinking and trying to pass the time in between glasses and bottles. In those sober hours, I’d write bad poems and apply for jobs before ending up with a Craigslist job like “women’s self-defense practice body (padded costume included)” or “document shredder” that would promptly close, fire me, or some gray area between. After writing more bad poems and getting a Master’s in two years, the same pattern emerged, but with herbal tea and acid substituted in place of alcohol.

My friend and mentor at the time, Gordon, suggested adjunct teaching after seeing my spirit decline over a series of meetings in his humid office. He regaled me with tales from his own road to tenure, and I fell for it, imagining students standing to applaud me as I entered, the life-transforming lectures I’d deliver. It didn’t matter that it was part-time work. I was catching adjunct fever, and believed Gordon when he told me, “You could probably build up your CV and then get a full-time position at a community college in a year or two.” Leaving his office, I felt triumphant: I was becoming the person I was meant to be.


Adjunct faculty are part-time professors who have their contracts renewed semester to semester. They often teach full workloads despite being part-time. They earn lower wages than full-time nontenured faculty. Adjuncts make up more than 50 percent of all postsecondary instructors.

As Herb Childress details in The Adjunct Underclass: How America’s Colleges Betrayed Their Faculty, Their Students, and Their Mission, the number of students enrolled in America’s colleges and universities has more than doubled in the last 50 years. Full-time faculty hiring has roughly kept pace, from 370 thousand to 790 thousand. Yet the number of part-time faculty has increased sevenfold, from 105 thousand to 755 thousand     .

The rise of the adjunct reflects changing expectations of U.S. higher education institutions. As universities hired non-faculty staff to run the growing list of campus amenities, administrative costs swelled and administrators felt pressure to make cuts. With professors retiring, and graduate schools turning out large numbers of PhDs willing to teach a course or two, hiring non-tenure-track teaching faculty became increasingly appealing.

Against this backdrop, there I was one August, sweating in my suit in the air-conditioned comfort of a department head’s office, trying to sell myself. I needn’t have worried. The job was mine before I entered the building, the meeting a formality. I met with them for five minutes, and the only thing they said was: “You have an MA, which is great. Would you prefer to have two sections or three to teach?”

At orientation, I mingled with other adjuncts in their mid-20s in a marble-walled ballroom, all of us calculating our interest in sleeping with one another while retaining our professional veneer. Once we’d stopped making the smallest of talk, we sat at a long dark oak table in our Estée Lauder and J. Crew dress clothes and practiced grading essays that were better than anything we’d ever read from our actual students. Amid the hiss of pens marking up papers, I thought: I could do this no problem.

However, after completing the exercise and having our photos taken for the department website, we shuffled into a classroom for a seminar about designing syllabi. The talk mixed obvious information (you need to grade a minimum of three to four essays per student) and confusing jargon (the sliding scale of determining A and B+ grades) that had us all scribbling notes for follow-up email questions. By the time we left, the summer sun was high in the sky, and we went blinkered into the evening just as unsure about everything as when the day had started.   

On my first class one September morning, two-dozen fish-eyed students walked into the fireplaced former drawing room of a slave owner and took seats. When we shared our favorite musical artists, I was unprepared for a.) how long it would take, and b.) the students’ overwhelming love of the country duo Florida Georgia Line. We managed a simple discussion about music and a few pages of the syllabus in the 80-minute class. When the bell rang, I knew that I needed to be better with time management. I went to my car to get high and hoped a future me would figure out how to do that.


Unless I was hustling to teach eight sections of a comp or lit course, there was no such thing as making $50,000 a year, let alone 30. I made $2,400 for a section at a community college and $3,200 at a four-year institution. If I was very lucky, I might teach at a state college, making about $10,000 to teach six hours a week for four months—but that entailed eight or more hours of commuting each week.    

In my first semester, I found out that at one of the colleges I taught at, adjuncts weren’t paid until after they’d taught for two months. Standing in the bright sun, I paced between the literal former slave quarters that contained my office, and the white master’s former summer mansion where we held English courses, trying desperately to get someone from payroll on the phone. When I managed to get through and ask why we weren’t paid bi-weekly, I heard a tired sigh on the other end. The voice took a minute to compose itself before saying “Honestly, there are so many of y’all part-timers that we have no idea who ever is actually doing their job. We pay you this way so we have time to try and guess who is actually showing up to teach.” Later, when I called the same college for not paying me, the bursar gently explained that, this semester, adjuncts wouldn’t get paid until they’d taught for three months.

I applied for a full-time position with a community college that seemed to like and respect me enough to ask me to host workshops. I thought I would at least get an interview. I’d been toiling away there without complaint for three years. One of my best friends was on the hiring committee, and my faculty reviews were stellar. But in the end, I reached out to the department coordinator and learned I’d been tossed out with the other rubbish candidates. Over dinner, my friend confided that in the committee meeting, someone said “we should have someone with a PhD, but that person shouldn’t be, you know, an adjunct.” Sitting alone in my basement office, I began to realize just how much time I’d wasted teaching, and how disrespected and unimportant the adjunct caste is viewed in the eyes of college hiring committees. I looked out the small bay window across the room, watching it catch dust particles in a beam of light, and began to have a panic attack.


The one benefit to getting rejected is that it encouraged me to double down on pursuing the writing work for which I’d gotten my Master’s degree. As students whose names I didn’t bother to learn whiffed on turning in assignments, regarded me as a jester they could wave off, or treated me with unwarranted contempt, the frustration of the job continued to fester, calcifying into a need to publish as much as I could for the most prestigious titles I could. The intense spite that allowed me to white-knuckle through a semester was sated only by my ability to work on other things in between classes that would carry my byline and stand in digital ink as a “fuck you” to the blank stares I faced every day for 80 minutes or so at a time.

As an English adjunct, I was relegated to teaching the worst courses in the department: composition one and two, or literature one and two. These survey classes are the bread and butter of the department, ensuring funding keeps piping in, since every student has to take them.

I taught eight of these a week each semester and didn’t change my approach at all to cope with fatigue. I essentially lived in a rerun: I would take an edible, walk into a classroom with high energy, run ten minutes of warm-up where I tried to get students excited to learn about rhetorical arguments, and then… time would melt as I stood there, faux-smile plastered on my face, waiting for a group of students to share thoughts on MLK’s “Letter from Birmingham Jail” and its use of diction and argumentative tactics. Two hundred and forty sets of eyes all stared at me, blinking, confused, or bored. One dark-haired female student raised her hand to cut the tension of the awkward silence.

When it came time to grade, I doubled down on the THC gummies and mild psychedelics to combat the hopelessness of grading what were essentially 240 identical essays. I came up with a system of giving five comments per page, two consisting of the phrase “this is interesting,” and three critiques. I had two weeks to turn all essays around, and found myself grading in the morning, on the dashboard during long drives to and from each campus, and nights where I’d take the small green bottle a friend kindly put into my mailbox each week so I could microdose as a means of combating depression.

One semester, a white baseball player came into my office, frustrated with a grade. While I tried to stand my ground, he kept pushing me to change it. With each smack of his gum, I felt more pressure to just give in and shut him up. When I relented and gave him a C+, he smirked with crossed arms, but I figured there was no way to tell academic advising to add that to his file.

Another time, a loner student requested a higher grade, and I had to meet with a department council about the paper he’d turned in—which argued for the incarceration and deaths of Antifa supporters, the resegregation of school systems, and a new outlawing interracial marriage—to figure out how to handle it. The student’s family donated to the college, and thus it was decided I should meet with him in my office to let him down, explaining that his views were “interesting” but that the sourcing was an issue. “Change his grade to a B, but don’t go higher than that. You know, if you want to.”

You wouldn’t necessarily know it to look at me, but my family is largely Black. This—combined with the renaissance of Black entertainment and culture in the 1990s—shaped me in profound ways. Everyone I knew, regardless of race, was cheering on Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen, whose psychic connection led the Bulls to victory time and time again. All of us packed cafeteria and gymnasium dances to awkwardly flail to Q-Tip rapping “Bonita Applebum,” DMX informing us we were going to make him “go all out, up in here,” Ms. Lauryn Hill singing us something beautiful and broken we weren’t ready to appreciate, and Mark Morrison bestowing “Return of the Mack,” one of the few true anthems we could carry from preteen to adulthood. We had Seinfeld, Friends, and George Carlin. But perhaps more importantly, we had Martin, The Bernie Mac Show, and Chris Rock. The day Aaliyah died was the first time I remember crying for anyone other than myself.

This is the context for the defining moment of my adjunct experience, which took place on November 9th, 2016, the day after Donald Trump won the U.S. presidency. Driving to my first class, I watched drivers get into arguments with one another. I myself had a brief altercation with a woman—not because there was a problem, but because we both had our hearts broken from seeing a crook beat someone with passion and experience, despite a long, slimy trail of assault, fraud, and tax avoidance.

I walked into class to find that the white students decided to arrange their desks in the back of the class, like a conspiratorial barricade, leaving Lisa, the best student in my class, and coincidentally the lone Black person, sitting in a row of one, crying as if in an art installation.

I don’t know what happened prior to my arrival, but for the next 80 minutes, the election result weighed heavily in the classroom. While my white students were noticeably emboldened by the news, folding their arms and blatantly texting to show their disinterest and refusal to be corralled into any type of academic discussion, Lisa locked eyes on me, the only other person in the room that understood that the assumptions about transcending our race problems we’d formed during the Obama administration had been proven wrong, and that while we were asleep, antiquated racist groups we’d forgotten about had gathered—to remind us just how powerful they were, and worse, that they counted among their members people we knew.

The semester darkened. Previously, when I had challenged students who parroted bigoted quips about Asian people’s dietary habits, gay marriage, or Black women’s intelligence, they had dropped the subject and flushed red with embarrassment. But in the play the semester became, Lisa and I would talk about the assignment and discuss rhetorical modes of persuasion or proper source citation, while the other students watched, daring me to get angry.

One day, the building in our classroom lost power. We were temporarily relocated to a classroom that had different tiers of seating, with the professor situated in front of a podium a few steps up, and then two circular arrangements of desks below this, not unlike 19th-century Parliament. We were discussing artistic integrity in connection to Mo Tzu, and no one contributed except for Lisa. When I pushed for more participation, Carly, who had never spoken out before, snapped back “Why bother? You just want to hear what Lisa wants to say.” When I asked why she felt this way, Carly popped her gum and said, “You know, because she’s dark.” The class snickered, flashing weasley smiles of agreement with Carly. From my podium, time slowed to a halt, and when I looked at Lisa, her head tilted down and tears streamed down her cheeks as she headed for the door.

Lisa aspired to produce for TV or film, and I’d often stay after class to give her advice, primarily helping her with an application to intern at Vice. When she didn’t get the internship, she stopped attending and only showed up for the final after a month-long absence. I gave her an A and took strong THC-infused chocolates to grade the rest of the class, crying as I read what Bryce thought about climate change.

In these Trump years, I adopted the celebratory approach to teaching of one who is not long for the profession. Everything I found interesting and worthwhile about academics I packed into my courses. In one spectacular failure of a class, we examined male privilege and the lack of substantive female power in Silicon Valley, Hollywood, and other centers of cultural influence. I overestimated both my class’s interest in discussing such topics, as well as their familiarity with their own feelings on feminism and power. The students met my every question with strained faces, as they did their best to separate their own thoughts from those of their parents, or begin forming opinions on this for the first time outside TV and film narratives that had colored their worldview. In another more mild failure, we examined racism in sports and medicine. The evaluations were terrible, but I was undeterred.

One time, students staged a “sick out” that I failed to notice until a student without any hard feelings one way or another explained to me what was going on. “They think you unfairly favor… certain students, um, and reward certain ways of thinking that they don’t like. They think by not being here this will, like, get you in trouble. But if you didn’t notice, I guess that kind of proves they’re wrong.”

Covid came next. Instead of teaching to bored students, I was suddenly teaching to (possibly) the idea of bored students, as many logged into class but didn’t turn on their microphones or cameras. I let class run this way, assuming that if students were absent, they had their reasons. For a few weeks, I didn’t mind the cameras being off, the uncertainty about whom was listening.

I staved off malaise and depression with writing, and my burst of teaching topics I found essential in the early days of Trump thickened into a straitjacket of suicidal ideation once lockdown hit. Even upstate in New York’s beautiful Hudson Valley with my partner, I found myself losing my grip. The more I taught to an online void of students clever enough to both skip class by signing in and turning their cameras off and complain to my chair for not getting better grades despite their skipping class, the more the world dimmed.

From sunrise to sunset, I became needier than I was used to being, and tried to yield to the love of my girlfriend, the voice of my parents crackling on Facetime, the laughter of my friends during virtual game nights. These things helped me survive, but I felt my body shut down at the idea of teaching again. I knew that if I didn’t walk away, I’d find myself in the kitchen or on the road, making the wrong call.

As I eyed the end, my class was not demanding, and I went to some lengths to respond to students’ thoughts through email. Still, complaints came in about slow grading. One student went so far as to not email me or the department chair, but the president of the college directly: “Professor Farwell said he’d return our grades promptly. It has now been two weeks, and with the stress of the pandemic being enough I do not need the extra concern of not knowing my grade. My parents pay $80 thousand a year for me to attend this college. I demand Professor Farwell either grades more quickly, or is swiftly fired.”

Still, pockets of solidarity remained, When a white student said “Fuck, I’m hungry” just before class began, a Japanese student said, “Then fuck off to eat. Don’t complain here.” I looked at my computer screen, at five people who decided to turn cameras on to ask questions during class. It was the international students who, between class, were trying to navigate safe passage home. ▩


Lady Luna, Lady Solstice, and the Oracles of HASBRO

Someone must go on a quest, into a place full of danger—a place with battery included

by

Briana Una McGuckin

Season Categories Published
MP604 Fiction

Nov 08, 2022


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“Commence the final challenge,” cried the reigning queen, leaning forward from her throne, the better to look down upon the arena, where the two competitors for her queenship stood. “Bring forth the divining circle!”

On a ceremonial pillow, a guard carried the requested relic: a thick disc of black, in which were set bright, curved buttons of gold, ruby, emerald, and sapphire. Together they made a complete circle around a silver word: SIMON.

The guard, terrycloth robe billowing, set the relic down on a wooden plinth between the competitors.

“The batteries!” cried the reigning queen.

“The batteries!” the guard repeated, and produced from his robe pocket a hinged box. Inside were three batteries: two small and cylindrical, one much larger and squared. The guard bowed, turned the round relic over, and opened a hatch in its base. He put the batteries in its hollow places, where they fit, before turning the relic right-side-up once more. 

The reigning queen stretched her legs and hopped down from the throne, which rocked back and forth behind her. “Loyal subjects,” she said, in a voice meant to carry to the onlookers all about the stands. “Behold the divining circle, passed down from the great and ancient oracles of HASBRO, who long ago gave us the power to speak with the Gods. Now, we use this awesome gift to establish divine right to the throne. Who among you two candidates can correctly interpret and obey the Gods?”

The candidates—one brunette and the other blonde—shifted their feet on the carpet of the arena, eyes locked on one another.

“The divining circle comprises four colors,” the reigning queen continued, “each color representing the distinct voice of a God: Sage, green God of earth; Ion, yellow God of lightning; Mer, blue God of water; and Obsidian, red God of lava. The rightful queen must heed them all. Together, these Gods’ names spell SIMO—and N, for Neutrality, is the last piece, for the new queen must balance all the Gods’ wills, to bring the queendom divine glory and deflect divine wrath. It will not be an easy task, but it is the task before you nonetheless: the task … of SIMON.”

A great cheer arose from the crowd.

The reigning queen climbed back onto her throne to watch. “The ON switch!” she cried.

“The ON switch!” parroted the guard.

The reigning queen asked: “Who dares be tested first?”

 “I do,” said the brunette. Her hands hovered over the divining circle already, though they did tremble.

“Good luck, Lady Luna,” said the reigning queen. “Begin!”

The guard entered the necessary commands to start the challenge, and the diviner burst forth with the first color: red!

Lady Luna pushed the red button.

The diviner flashed red again, but then green, and Lady Luna obeyed. The Gods did express themselves. More colors did appear. On every finger of her right hand, Luna wore a shiny star ring, and flashes from these rings winked into the eyes of onlookers as she repeated the diviner’s pattern. It grew longer, faster: red, green, red again, blue, with blips of sound corresponding.

Twenty-eight signals, twenty-nine, thirty. The divining circle chirped in congratulation, but the people in the stands remained silent. Another color was added to the long tail of commands: Blue, for the God Mer.

Lady Luna began the sequence again, pressing each color in the order she remembered. But, so bent was she upon reaching the God Mer that she skipped yellow Ion, who came before.

RAZZZ the divining circle admonished.

 Lady Luna hid her eyes with her hand. The crowd groaned.

“Thirty!” cried the reigning queen.

“Thirty!” confirmed the guard.

“Can you do better, Lady Solstice?” the reigning queen demanded.

“I can try,” said the blonde candidate, and the process began anew.

From the elbow to the wrist of her left hand, Lady Solstice wore twists of golden ribbon. These whipped and flashed as she worked, never missing a signal. Yet, while for Lady Luna the commands had gotten faster, for Lady Solstice they seemed to drag.

“An unfair advantage, she’s got more time to think!” cried the guard, pointing.

“An unfair disadvantage,” the watching Lady Luna muttered without glancing at him. “She’s got more time to forget.”

But Solstice pressed buttons with a steady hand, all in correct order. She’d gotten thirty, and every onlooker waited for the divining circle to add the final color.

Green, so faint.

Lady Solstice’s fingers descended like hail, punching out the pattern. The colors responded to her touch weakly, the corresponding sounds delayed. Three to go, two … but when she pushed the red button—in honor of Obsidian—it did not flash in answer.

She tapped again. Again.

Nothing.

Lady Solstice whipped around. “The batteries have died!”

The reigning queen stood half out of her throne, ready to cheer but with no victor’s name on her tongue.  She turned to the guard, her hands in fists. “Fetch two D batteries!”

“Two D batteries!” he repeated, and fled the arena for the room beyond.

The reigning queen watched the competitors bent their heads close, excluding the very light at the windows from their whispered conversation. The reigning queen sighed and drummed her fingers on her throne.

“Your Majesty,” the guard said, skidding up close, “there are no D batteries.”

“No D batteries!” the reigning queen repeated.

They both startled at the role reversal.

The guard coughed to break the silence. “I’ve searched the royal junk drawer,” he said. “If Your Highness would stand up, I can check under the throne cushion.”

“Ridiculous!” she said, even as she rose and moved aside.

There were no D batteries there either. The candidates for the queenship were looking up at the royal viewing box now. A frantic, whispered exchange between the reigning queen and the guard commenced:

“Summon the royal driver—”

“—She is out, Your Majesty.”

“Doing what?!”

“Fetching the groceries.”

“Blast it all. Is there a place that can be reached by foot?”

“The SEARS, Highness?”

“A map to the SEARS!” cried the reigning queen.

“A map!” repeated the guard, and he scurried aside to take the magisterial markers from the royal coffee table, which had been pushed aside to make room for the arena. He found paper, and drew fast.

Meanwhile, the reigning queen looked down upon the two ladies vying for her throne. They looked up in return.

The reigning queen cleared her throat. “I suppose it makes sense that there are no battery units here,” she said, “since this palace is a place of peace. Someone must go on a quest, into a place full of danger—a place with battery included.”

The guard, still drawing, snorted.

“I’ll go, Your Highness!” said Lady Luna, her beringed hand shooting upward. “I must, for the divining circle has brought me undue glory.”

Lady Solstice stepped in front of her. “I will go, Highness,” she said, “for the divining circle has bought me undue time.”

Lady Luna stepped out, so the two stood side by side. “Suppose we both go. That would be most fair.”

Lady Solstice frowned. “Fine.”

“The map!” said the guard, bringing a sheet of paper. Taking it, Lady Solstice turned the paper left, like a landscape. Lady Luna snatched it away and turned it right, like a portrait. Lady Solstice grabbed for it back as they went together out of sight.

“I just don’t understand how the batteries could have died,” murmured the reigning queen, settling into her throne for the wait, extending the royal recliner. “It’s down in the Sacred Book that the batteries are always removed and locked away between challenges. They should last eons.”

“I may have put them in the diviner a few times, Majesty,” admitted the guard, “to test myself.”

“Julian!” cried the reigning queen. “It’s not a toy!”


“SEARS,” mused Lady Solstice, lowering the map. “What danger lies there?”

Having settled on Lady Luna’s orientation of the map, Lady Solstice had been allowed to be its keeper. The two candidates stood outside, on the royal back porch, facing the road beyond.

“Perhaps it’s SEARS like ‘sear,’” Luna said. “Then it would be the land of lava—of Obsidian.”

“That could be,” conceded Solstice. “If so, I can certainly stand the heat and retrieve the batteries. I served in the dragon wars, when all the floors turned to lava.”

Luna’s brow furrowed. “Oh, did you?”

Solstice nodded and began walking.

“Suppose SEARS means something else, though,” Luna called, hurrying to follow.

“Such as?”

“SEARS like ‘sea.’” Luna pointed to a shallow, blue pool, perfectly round, set atop the grass on a neighboring peasant’s plot. “And if we’re headed into Mer’s blue realm, I should surely take the lead. I’m more comfortable in the water than out.”

There were yet more possibilities, and they bickered about them as they walked the village. Perhaps SEARS had something to do with ears, which might be related to the God Ion—for, Solstice reasoned, he who controlled the lightning must also control the booming thunder.

Or, there were the fortune-tellers, who were in some parts called seers—and Luna said that sage was one of the herbs they burned. Perhaps it was the dominion of Sage, God of the earth.

“So we know nothing about SEARS,” sighed Solstice.

“But we know that we know nothing,” replied Luna. “That’s something!”

Solstice rolled her eyes. “Well. Whatever awaits, I’m glad of it. I welcome the danger.”

“I’m glad too,” Luna replied. “I want to beat you fairly, not because the diviner’s hesitation made you forget.”

“I wouldn’t have forgotten!” Solstice snapped.

Luna opened her mouth to make some reply, but then:

“Look! SEARS!”

Beyond, the countryside was overcome with tar. Neither tree nor bush broke through the deathly gray, and upon this desolate landscape, the shadow of a towering building stretched long.

The competitors approached, finding near the SEARS entrance all the abandoned wagons of travelers past.

Luna swallowed, hesitating, but Solstice took her hand and strode on. “We’ve said many words between us. Now it’s time to act.”

Inside, ruffians haggled. Music floated overhead from nowhere: a bard’s guitar underneath crooning lyrics of love. “Pray the song doesn’t stop before we leave,” Luna whispered. “I think it’s the only thing keeping these lowly creatures from attacking us.”

“Look,” Solstice said, heedless. “Hats.”

“Be careful!” Luna gasped, approaching the display slowly. “They’re for mind control, I bet.”

“Cool,” Solstice said, and pointed to an orange one. “Bet this one makes you angry, so you commit terrible crimes. And this purple one makes you really sad. “And the green one makes you greedy. And the white—”

“Oh, I know!” Luna shouted. “That one erases your memory!”

Solstice had scowled to be interrupted so, but hearing this she brightened. “Yeah! That’s good thinking, actually.”

Luna straightened where she stood, smiling.

Solstice turned to another display. “These scarves—for manipulating vision, do you think?”

“I don’t know,” Luna admitted, shuddering. “This is a scary market. We must move fast.”

The girls went together to the hub at which the traders did their business. Over the banter of those gathered, Solstice squared her shoulders and cleared her throat.  “Where are the D batteries?”

“Oh,” said the slippery, bearded trader, from behind the counter. “We don’t carry batteries here, sweetheart.”

“How dare you!” cried Luna.

Solstice balked. “Lady Luna, what—”

“—they can’t speak so to you, you’re in line for the queenship—

“Well, anyway,” Solstice said, pulling her arm, trying to step away, “it doesn’t matter, they don’t have—”

“What nonsense!” Luna hissed, jerking her arm free. She marched back up to the trader. “You have hats of every shape, and shirts for winter though it is spring, Yet you expect me to believe that you carry not one battery?”

“Nope,” said the trader in foreboding monotone, waving the next haggler forward. “No batteries at SEARS.”


With no other destinations on the map, the two candidates had to return to the palace  whence they came.

They were only past the villager’s pool when Lady Luna could be convinced that the SEARS trader had not deceived them. They dragged their feed on the tar. The clouds did roll in.

“Where are we to look?” Solstice moaned. “If we return with no D batteries, how will they decide the queenship?”

“I will tell the reigning queen how brave you were, leading us into SEARS, and talking to those strangers,” Luna said.

Blushing, Solstice looked away.

The two stood together, eyes fixed upon the palace—its shiny white siding, the royal mailbox with the flag turned down, the grand back porch with the royal welcome mat before the door.

“I cannot bring myself to enter the front way, I think,” Solstice muttered. “The entrance is too grand for I, who have failed the quest.”

Luna gasped. “That gives me an idea! The dungeon!”

She pulled Solstice, to a black hatchway set into the stone foundation of the palace, a floor below the main one.

“I don’t think our failures merit prison,” Solstice said.

“No, no,” Luna said, and Solstice helped her down the stone steps.

Solstice stepped further into the gloom, toward a door set further back, into an inner wall of the dungeon, but Luna put a hand out to stop her. “Careful. A nasty ogre is kept caged in that cell. Ogres are possessive of things: batteries, yes, but also snack foods, strange gadgets. They even hold onto stinky laundry, so the servants can’t throw it in the wash.” Luna pointed to the royal washing machine and royal dryer, which even now did spin.

A roar thundered from behind the cell door, and Luna and Solstice jumped with fear. “PREPARE FOR JUDGMENT DAY!” a deep voice growled, under dramatic music—some kind of transmission: “AS OBSIDIAN AND ION CLASH IN THE BATTLE OF THE CENTURY!”

“Oh no,” Solstice said, “unrest among the Gods.”

“SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY,” taunted the demon voice, “WHO WILL BE VICTORIOUS?”

“That’s tomorrow,” worried Luna. “The delay of the SIMON challenge has angered them.”

“We haven’t much time,” Solstice replied, and charged forward, her blonde hair flying behind, barging through the door and into the ogre’s cell. But then she froze in place.

Over the threshold wafted a stench of sweat and filth. But there was no ogre inside.

”He’s escaped!” hissed Solstice looking back.

“No,” Luna said, and pointed to another door, with steam escaping underneath. “He’s in the bathing room of his cell.”

The gravel-throated voice on the transmission had stopped shouting, and now a whole chorus of demons sang over thrashing strings. The noise was coming from behind the same, inner door.

“What is that?” Solstice asked.

“A communication device of the occult,” asserted Luna. “Through it speaks a devil God of ogres. I believe it runs on D batteries.”

Solstice took a deep breath. “Okay,” she said, and reached for the door.

“Wait,” Luna said. “Be—be so careful, Lady Solstice.”

The two shared a look, and they had no secrets from each other: fated to be sporting competitors at best and bitterest enemies at worst, they loved each other instead.

Solstice opened the bathing room door and disappeared into the steam beyond. She tiptoed past a magical chamber of perpetual rain where, obscured by a flimsy curtain, the ogre lumbered. The transmission device sat on the edge of a ceremonial sink.

Gingerly, Solstice turned the machine. Now she could see the compartment where the batteries hid. With trembling fingers she pulled a tab, catching the compartment backing in her hand and revealing two D batteries. She pried the first from its place. The device hissed. She took the second battery, and ran from the bathing chamber.

Behind her, the ogre muttered, “What the hell?”

Luna stood just outside the chamber, rooted down by fear. Solstice grabbed her hand and led her forward, out of the dungeons.

Upon their entrance to the palace arena, the reigning queen stood, overturning a checkerboard that had been set between herself and the guard, and blocking it from view.

“We’ve returned, Your Majesty,” panted Luna. She held up Solstice’s shaking hands. “We have the batteries!”

A great cheer rose.

“Let the challenge recommence!” the reigning queen cried.

“Wait, Your Majesty!” Luna said.

The reigning queen blinked. “Yes?”

“Maybe,” Luna said, lowering her voice, “we could be a team.”

This suggestion was met with silence. The two candidates shared a worried look.

“It is a wild world out there,” Luna continued, “battery included! And I’m not brave like Lady Solstice, to tell the truth.”

 “And I’m not like Lady Luna,” Solstice added. “Mightn’t two rulers be better than one, in times of adversity?”

Below, a cell door slammed.

“Do you invite adversity to our idyllic queendom, Lady Solstice?” the reigning queen asked.

Distant rumbles sounded from the dungeon, like thunder on its way.

“No,” Solstice hedged, “but I do expect some. Call it healthy realism.”“Well,” mused the reigning queen, “if you are in agreement…”

Just then, the ogre burst in, dripping, wearing nothing but a grimy rag. He roared: “WHO TOOK THE BATTERIES OUT OF MY RADIO?!”

“First decree,” Lady Solstice declared: “Disperse!”

All three queens scattered. The guard stood alone, clutching the divining circle to his chest.

“Julian!” cried the queens: “RUN!” ▩


In StarCraft, Mastery Warps Time

As once-adoring fans turn their attention elsewhere, a generation of elite Korean players approach the first great e-sport with startling originality

by

Ben Zelic

Season Categories Published
MP603 Reportage

Oct 25, 2022


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Creator’s hands blur. When I lose focus, they look like little creatures. His screen flutters through a haze of action: stalkers on the front lines shoot beams of light, each one shuffling their skinny legs outside enemy fire. A warp prism flies north to a blind spot in the opponent’s base. It unfolds metal wings like a bird, warping in units away from prying eyes. Two workers peel off from a line marching toward fresh minerals, beckoned by an invisible call to create. And all of this happens, now, in such quick succession that things appear more simultaneous than sequential.

Jang Hyun-woo, better known as Creator, is a professional Protoss player in the Global StarCraft II League (GSL) in Seoul. I’m watching him play, casually, at a PC gaming cafe in Songpa District. The computers clack furiously, though none of them but Creator’s are running StarCraft. 

Known to some as “the origin of all e-sports”—an ascendant global industry now worth more than a billion dollars—StarCraft first took root in South Korea, gaining millions of fans and mainstream fame. The game is “complex but beautiful at the same time,” says Shaun “Apollo” Clark, a prominent figure in the e-sports community. It’s lightning fast and relentless. It involves mind games where players, wielding a mouse and a keyboard, conceal strategies, deceive, and react to each other’s play in real time. It requires the tactical-thinking of a chess player, the dexterity of a cellist.

Yet now, nearly 25 years after its release by Blizzard Entertainment, StarCraft’s popularity has been eclipsed by more popular titles which, ironically, owe their commercial success to the e-sports landscape StarCraft 1 created. Meanwhile, for the last decade Creator has struggled, rarely advancing past the GSL’s first round and sometimes failing to qualify for the tournament itself. That all changed when he made it to the 2022 GSL Season 1 Finals, outclassing the best players in the world, to the shock of the gaming community. Now, Creator finds himself in a unique position—among a handful of elite StarCraft pros whose potential for stardom has dimmed.


Lufthansa 718: a beefy German flight attendant insists that passengers tighten their already-buckled seat belts. He waits with an expressionless face until they cave to his demands.

“Dat’s bettah,” he says.

A TV on the train into Seoul cycles through news about North Korea’s ballistic missile tests in the Sea of Japan, and the need for a distressingly vague “strong response.” I transfer to Seonjeongneung station in Gangnam, the district in southern Seoul where the GSL studio is located—and which is the subject of the YouTube hit “Gangnam Style.” On street level, I walk along a series of residential apartments while seemingly endless lines of motorcycles careen downhill. There are no sidewalks.

The GSL studio is a straight shot from my hostel down Teheran-ro, a massive commercial street that cuts through the heart of Gangnam. High-rise buildings, luxury hotels, finance and tech companies, car dealerships and law firms loom above.

The studio is located in the unassuming concrete Medytox building, named after the biopharmaceutical company. In exchange for my ID, a receptionist hands over a radio headset for English commentary of the games, a raffle ticket, and a commemorative card of the recent GSL finals between Rogue and Creator.

I’ve been a GSL fan since 2011, and have seen pieces of the studio from camera cuts and the brief outros AfreecaTV uses during their live streams. As I recognize certain things—computer booths, the pre-recorded interviews where players awkwardly banter and talk trash, the camera men and women pointing large equipment inches from their faces—I get a strangely concurrent feeling of nostalgia and utter bewilderment. Everything is eerie, unmediated by pixel. I swivel to take in the onrushing world.

Along the walls are massive posters of this year’s promo shots, continuing a humorous tradition where GSL participants take pictures in various themed attire. Past seasons have featured sailor outfits, silky robes, and three-piece suits. This season’s theme appears to be farmer/safari chic. Players sport earthy tones with sunhats and bolo ties and flowers, with expressions that range from serious to amused to mildly sensual. In Creator’s photo, he holds binoculars, staring ominously into the camera.

The pictures reveal an entirely male competition pool. Absent this season is Canadian Zerg player Sasha “Scarlett” Hostyn, who has the most GSL Code S appearances of any “foreigner,” the term used for non-Korean StarCraft players. In 2016, the Guinness World Records recognized Scarlett for having the highest career earnings of any professional female gamer. One famous match against the Korean player Bomber ended when she dramatically exploded his marines with burrowed banelings. Some commentators call it the greatest game of StarCraft II ever played.

Another wall displays past GSL champions, titled the “Hall of Fame.” Some years are missing, reflecting the numerous past titles of Life, the infamous Zerg player who, in 2016, received a lifetime ban from competition after his involvement in a match-fixing scandal.

On a second level inaccessible to fans, the English and Korean casters—the name for in-game commentators—prepare for the night’s games. The GSL has perhaps the most famous English casting duo in all of e-sports. Americans both, “Tastosis”—a combination of their two StarCraft usernames, Tasteless and Artosis—balance StarCraft analysis with endless nerdy and irreverent banter. In a much-memed 2011 GSL rant during the Zerg player NesTea’s reign of dominance, Artosis joked that we don’t exist, but rather live inside dreams conjured by NesTea’s “infinitely complex brain.”  

Unlike turn-based games, in StarCraft, all decisions are made simultaneously. A player chooses between three races—the humans (Terran), insectoid creatures (Zerg), or the sapient humanoids (Protoss). Every StarCraft II game begins with one home base and 12 workers. Players gather resources, which allow them to build more bases and workers, expand their economy, research technologies, and build an army for the end goal: destroy the opponent’s buildings. Though it has many game modes, 1v1 is the type used in competitions. From this basic structure, a world of highly competitive play was born; and it all began in South Korea.

Fifteen years ago, StarCraft enjoyed massive popularity. Juwon, my translator in Seoul, thought the best analogy to the game’s golden era in South Korea was American football. Even non-gamers would attend pro StarCraft I “Brood War” matches. Entire stadiums swelled with wild fans. In 2010, the OSL Finals took place on a literal airplane hangar, where the Terran player Flash made a dramatic, mist-filled entrance on a Korean Air commercial jet. Companies like Samsung and SK Telecom sponsored teams. Players leaned into showmanship. After winning in the 2008 Proleague Finals in Busan, the player firebathero tore off his clothes, vigorously danced in white and orange underwear, and jumped into the ocean while thousands of fans cheered him on. 

At the turn of the millennium, South Korea was uniquely suited to embrace the game, said the StarCraft caster Jessica “ZombieGrub” Chernega, who has taught StarCraft theory and practice at NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts. For one, she said, the country was committed to building infrastructure for high-speed Internet. And though not many people owned computers, South Korea already had a burgeoning culture of PC bangs—cafes with gaming PCs—that allowed people to play StarCraft with friends, transforming it into a popular social event for young people. As the game’s popularity grew, so did the number of PC bangs across the country. Finally, in the late nineties, Korea’s import ban on Japanese electronics prevented companies like Sony and Nintendo from selling popular games in Korea. Thus, the American-made StarCraft franchise was the big fish in an artificially small pond.

Teams formed. Top players became celebrities. TV channels devoted themselves to broadcasting professional matches and stadiums filled with fans. The government even created the Korea e-Sports Association (KeSPA) to oversee the industry. StarCraft was practically a national pastime. According to the video game media site IGN, by 2007 StarCraft had sold 9.5 million copies worldwide. Of these, nearly half were sold in South Korea.

The game crept into the U.S. Dwight from The Office dressed up as the Zerg Queen of Blades for Halloween. The irreverent party game Cards Against Humanity created a card referencing the often-yelled Protoss command, “YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS.” StarCraft also memorably captured the hearts and minds of the 1999 NBA Championship-winning San Antonio Spurs. Former Spur and two-time NBA All-Star Sean Elliott told me that he, Tim Duncan, Malik Rose, and David Robinson all fell in love with the game. “Basically, that season that’s what we did,” Elliott said. “A lot of teams played cards or gambled. We played StarCraft at the front of the plane.” 

After that championship season, Tim Duncan visited Elliott while he recovered in the hospital from kidney surgery, bringing laptops to play a match. Bedridden and on a morphine pump, Elliott still beat “Timmy” in a Terran vs. Protoss game using a somewhat gimmicky strategy—building ghosts to call in nuclear missile strikes, which take several seconds to land and can generally be avoided. When Duncan could not locate the cloaked ghosts, Elliott said he “nuked Tim’s base out of existence.” Afterwards, Duncan sat up, humbled that he lost to his recovering friend. 

“That was a good lesson,” Duncan said.

“Yes it was,” answered the veteran Elliott. “You’re not ready to snatch a pebble from my hand just yet.”

In 2010, StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty was released. It closely resembled the original game but offered new units, graphics, and game engine. Yet in Korea, Brood War’s popularity declined, and StarCraft II never caught on like its predecessor. ZombieGrub believes a combination of factors are responsible, including the onset of the Great Recession, the 2010 discovery of a large match-fixing ring led by sAviOr, which scared away sponsors and destabilized the market, and Blizzard Entertainment itself, who battled KeSPA over broadcasting rights of matches and pressured the industry to switch over to StarCraft II. In 2012, Blizzard made the controversial decision to make Proleague—the most popular Brood War team tournament—into a hybrid league before it fully transitioned to StarCraft II. In 2016, Proleague was discontinued. 


GuMiho and DRG sit at computer booths on the stage. Their physical likenesses are hidden behind monitors, but their faces are projected on screens in front of either booth. Each player uses their personal mouse and keyboard. StarCraft players can be exacting with their setup. The player Flash famously brought a ruler each time he competed, ensuring his keyboard was in precisely the correct location.

herO warms up on his computer, headphones clamped and fingers rattling. The only other player competing tonight in Group A (Rogue, the defending GSL champion) has not yet arrived. He’s known for a masterful “macro” style of play, taking bases and controlling the map, all while slamming his opponents with large, intricately controlled armies. Besides the Terran player Maru, he’s the only player to have won four GSL championships. Creator isn’t in attendance. He’ll compete in a later group.

The bathroom offers a break from the night’s nervous anticipation. Upon reaching the familiarity of porcelain, I hear a sound. The door. 

Rogue approaches the urinal next to me. I grow somewhat faint, my mind thinking many things, but most clearly: Good God, I’m currently peeing mere inches from the most successful Zerg in GSL history. What do I do? Stay? Leave? Maybe just—

 Time slows. Memories of past tournaments… Zerg units surrounding unsuspecting armies… banelings exploding… a hazy recollection of the 2021 GSL Season 1 Finals and Rogue’s smothering, 4-1 victory over Maru.


Unknown to us in the GSL audience, herO will use a new Protoss versus Zerg style he’s innovated since returning from Korea’s mandatory 18-month military service. A massive reel of pre-recorded interviews project on the wall behind him. Rogue comes last: “I don’t have much time left,” he says. “I’ll take my 5th championship trophy before I serve in the military.”

The interviews disappear to a screen where the players are outlined with stylized, blue and black versions of their gamer names. Intense electronic music blasts with a catchy violin riff. Rows of bright and continually spinning spotlights shine down from the ceiling, momentarily blinding a fan to my left. Then: heavy guitar and drums and a voice singing the phrase “I came for war,” over and over. Though a few thousand people watch the stream online, the live audience is much smaller than I imagined. There are only fifty seats in total. Most are empty. 

The adrenaline-inducing sequence gives way to scattered applause. A few fans scribble pictures and words of encouragement on cheer cards provided by the front desk. The atmosphere feels more tennis tournament than traditional sporting event. People are restrained, entirely focused on the game itself. 

As the match begins, both players build an additional base beside the minerals known as their natural expansion. Rogue and herO expand again, and then take a fourth base around the six-minute mark. This is already unorthodox. herO’s playing Protoss like a Zerg player—building bases, workers, and letting Rogue develop his economy basically untouched. 

In StarCraft, players view units and buildings onscreen from a God-like point of view, as if they’re generals looking down on troops. Large battles resemble scenes from Star Wars. Bullets and lasers erupt as units sprint about and die, often with dramatic sound effects. Each unit noise is uniquely peculiar—the insectoid Zerg units sound off-puttingly moist, with hisses and clicks and strange rattles. 

Received wisdom says herO should “tech up” for powerful units such as immortals, archons, or disruptors, which can counter a large Zerg army. He does none of this. His only attacking units are stalkers (a very basic unit that loosely resembles a mechanical spider with four legs) and oracles (a quick but fragile flying orb that deals high amounts of damage) which he continually uses to fly around and keep tabs on Rogue’s expansions and army location. The casters are bewildered. herO’s using finesse units, not anything that would scale well later in the game.

“Maybe there’s something fluid to his play,” offers Tasteless. “It’s not easy for us to catch everything.”

Crucially, StarCraft players have an incomplete picture of their world. The map is covered with a “fog of war,” meaning one can’t view their opponent unless a unit or building’s small line of sight is in range. Hence, a player is usually in a state of relative uncertainty about their opponent’s strategy, army location, and when they might attack. 

One strength of Zerg is their “creep,” a gooey substance spread on the map via creep tumors. When the ground is covered with creep, it increases the speed of Zerg units and also gives the player vision of the map. With diligent creep spread, Zergs can see the exact location of their opponents’ armies. 

herO knows this. Seven minutes in, he sends small groups of stalkers to kill creep tumors, push back the creep spread, pick off stray units, and use their “blink” ability to jump and avoid damage. But that’s not all that’s happening. Throughout, herO pings around his home bases, builds workers, production facilities, and takes a fifth base. If he cannot manage all these moving components, he won’t have the resources to make units for this relentless pressure. The strategy will fail.

StarCraft players can only have their screen at one place at a time. They are limited by what they choose to pay attention to, and how quickly and efficiently they may do it. Speed of play is vital and measured in actions per minute (APM), a statistic that is shown onscreen while players compete. Top players perform around 400 APM throughout a match. This means that, every second, they click the mouse and keyboard about six or seven distinct times.

herO is often considered to have the best multitasking and unit control of any Protoss player. His stalkers dance on the edge of creep, sniping Rogue’s zerglings—small and fast velociraptor-esque creatures—with beams of blue light before baiting them into a fruitless chase. It looks effortless, but during these moments of blinking dance, his APM spikes toward 600. 

Rogue grows frustrated and chases herO off creep. All the while, herO moves his screen to other parts of the map, sending groups of zealots—the expendable Protoss melee units that run on two legs and resemble the creatures from the movie Predator—to kill workers at undefended bases.

A theme emerges: herO’s never doing one thing, but splits up Rogue’s units and attention with endless multitasking. From an omniscient view, it’s difficult to comprehend how a single person does it all. herO’s units arc and change direction like schools of fish before splitting off, each subgroup carried by an unseen intelligent hand. 

A game of StarCraft is not something that can be understood in isolation. Not really. It’s an amalgamation of the matchup itself, players and their skill sets, past and current tendencies, the specific map, metagame, and so on. StarCraft II’s difficulty even drew the interest of DeepMind, Google’s artificial intelligence research lab. Igor Babuschkin, research engineer for DeepMind, said that after their success solving Go—the famously difficult board game—their team turned to StarCraft because “it was such a big step-up in complexity.” In 2019, DeepMind unveiled AlphaStar, a StarCraft II engine that was successful in beating 99.8 percent of human players, but still lost games to elite professionals when they used unconventional tactics. “Seems like there’s still no substitute for human creativity,” Babuschkin told me.

The history of competitive StarCraft is full of whimsical innovations. One famous shift happened during the 2006 GOMTV MSL Season 1 Finals, when the then little-known Protoss player, Bisu, beat sAviOr with a novel strategy: harassing the Zerg with corsairs and dark templars, which later became popular and immortalized as the “Bisu Build.” Liquipedia—the online encyclopedia of StarCraft history—calls it one the most influential tournament finals ever for the new ideas it introduced to the Protoss vs. Zerg matchup. If herO’s new playstyle catches on, this series against Rogue might be emblematic of a new Protoss vs. Zerg paradigm.

A single line of zealots sprint toward a bottom base, pinning their backs against a wall and holding position to fight. This prevents Rogue’s zerglings from surrounding them. Meanwhile, herO’s main army sharks in from the north, shaving off a few of Rogue’s units. herO briefly touches 1,100 APM, a speed that’s difficult to physically produce, let alone achieve through meaningful, strategic actions. herO sends another group of zealots into Rogue’s base. They’re killed, but that split second of distraction is enough. herO baits Rogue’s main army, stutter-stepping his stalkers back while the oracles do their work above. 

herO senses the momentum shifting and pushes onto creep. This is Rogue’s best chance to take a fight, and he does. But as always, in this game of seesawing action, committing to a battle has a cost. With Rogue out of position, herO sends in another zealot force to the south. The timing is deadly. The first half-dozen attempts were shut down, but this one is different. His zealots easily overwhelm the small number of defending zerglings. Rogue’s broken on all fronts. 

“GG,” Rogue types into the chat. Looking a bit bewildered, he leaves the game, arm aimlessly reaching behind his head. 

After another dominant victory, herO, who will go on to win the GSL and become the first Protoss champion in five years, takes the series 2-0. In his post-game interview, he smiles, satisfaction transforming a normally stoic demeanor. “This is a homework assignment the Zergs must solve,” he says.


The next morning, I have plans to meet Creator—the Protoss player who’s finally realizing himself as a world-class competitor. Although he’s only 25 years old, Creator has played in the GSL since 2011. He’s known for his outbursts after losses, violently slamming his keyboard and headset in frustration. Mental lapses and mechanical errors in his play have made him lose, even in games where he’s ahead. In the 2020 GSL Season 1 group stages, Creator lost a nail-biter against RagnaroK that he was initially easily winning. After the game, he held his head in his hands before ripping out his earbuds and storming off the stage. Then something changed. Creator made an unprecedented run to the 2022 GSL Season 1 Finals, before eventually losing to Rogue. He seemed like a new player: confident, decisive, unpredictable. 

I arrive early to Banapresso—a Korean version of Dunkin, offering chain coffee, bright colors and sweet-looking snacks. Juwon, the translator, arrives not long after. He says he grew up playing and watching Brood War, though his interest diminished once StarCraft II arrived. While serving in the air force, he witnessed the legendary Terran player BoxeR arrive for his own military service and get comically overrun by swarms of StarCraft-loving soldiers.

Creator rolls up on a bike, sporting a blue Team NV Jersey and sweatpants. He says hello and smiles, jumping off to lock up. Juwon insists on buying the drinks. He’s happy to be here and meeting us, he says. When the order arrives, Creator makes a kind gesture, taking my green tea and putting a straw through it.

Creator first played StarCraft at 7 years old. Inspired by the Brood War prodigy Flash—who competed in televised games at just 14, and is often called a “Bonjwa,” the Korean term for a uniquely dominant player—Creator practiced hard and dreamed of going pro. The name “Creator” came one day when he was looking through a book of English words. It stuck out to him: a thing which makes something from nothing. He first played StarCraft II at age 14. At the time, his parents adamantly opposed his ambitions of being a pro gamer. But when he qualified for the GSL Code S tournament in 2011 and was recruited by the prestigious StarCraft team Prime, they relented.

Day[9], the famous StarCraft and e-sports personality—and brother of Tasteless, the GSL caster—has often compared professional StarCraft players to pianists. The metaphor is apt. Creator’s discussion of playing styles recalls musicians who rifle through creative influences and musical eras. Creator conceives of himself within a long tradition of Protoss players and styles, how he has studied and learned from strategies that feel compelling, synthesizing them to create his own. In the past, Creator liked to imitate players like Stats—defensive and reactive Protoss players who sit back, building lots of workers and bases and deflecting attacks until they can beat their opponents later in the game. Now he sees himself as more a fusion of players like PartinG, who is famous for an aggressive, unpredictable style, and Zest, who has mastered the art of sharp timing attacks, often taking popular builds—kind of like an opening in chess, where players memorize a sequence of workers, buildings, and units for a particular strategy—and optimizing them. 

I ask Creator a fun question: which unit in StarCraft II is too strong? He responds excitedly to Juwon, who looks confused. They ping back and forth before Juwon tells me he’s unsure how to translate the word. 

“Hydralisk,” says Creator, puckering his mouth in uncertainty. The name he’s going for is the hydralisk’s upgraded form, the lurker, which he finally expresses by rising in his chair, flinging his hands forward and back while making a whooshing sound, imitating the lurker’s ability to shoot spines. When I finally catch on, we all burst into laughter. 

Until last year, nerves undermined his success. “I felt like my hands were frozen,” he says. In a development that he credits to his management at Team NV, in the last year or so he’s thought less and focused on what he can control: practicing seven or eight hours most days, meticulously planning for opponents, going to the gym, and playing FIFA Online to relax. 

He’s also embraced “image training”—imagining the match, its possible permutations, and carrying out the game plan. Once he actually plays, he’s realizing the scenarios he’s mentally performed many times before. He constantly imagines games. Before competitions, he says he can barely concentrate when other people speak to him. Now, he’s often surprised by how fast his hands move during a match. 

Will herO’s new high-pressure Protoss vs. Zerg style catch on? Creator thinks for a moment, hands folded in front. He fidgets, as if wishing his fingers could explain what’s too difficult for words. 

“It’s complicated,” he says finally. The strategy involves a sort of army movement and control-heavy style that he believes only herO can pull off. At least for now, imitating it without herO’s talent would be impossible.

In preparation for his series against Rogue, Creator says he sought out training sessions from a number of top Zergs, including Serral, Reynor, and SoO. As a form of thanks, he’ll often buy his practice partners a gift card. After the finals, Rogue took Creator, Maru, Trap, sOs, and other former Jin Air Green Wings players out to dinner. 

In the heyday of StarCraft I, teams were insular, fearful of sharing strategies, and often defined by social hierarchy. According to ZombieGrub, Brood War team houses—homes where players would live and train together—were notoriously secretive about their practice replays and videos of games, trying to keep StarCraft wisdom within their group. Even if you made the team and could live there, she joked that “you’d be the guy washing dishes and not allowed to look at Flash.” 

The Brood War era intensity extended to the fans. While visiting South Korea, a friend of ZombieGrub’s asked Bisu for an autograph, which he met with a look of grave concern. Her friend was blissfully unaware that Bisu was surrounded by a fan club whose hierarchical structure dictated you must be a member for a certain length of time before you were allowed to hand over presents—cake or health products like red ginseng—let alone interact with players.


The three of us head to a PC bang to watch Creator play in-person. As we’re crossing the street outside the café, he turns to me.

 “Futsal?” he asks. Juwon translates that Creator is playing soccer with his friends tonight, and wants to see if I’ll join. The invitation catches me off guard.

“Of course,” I say. Juwon clarifies that the friends will be other GSL players, and I nearly choke on my own spit. 

The PC bang greets us with a chorus of mechanical keyboards clacking like typewriters. Computers are set up in rows of eight. In total, probably thirty people play games. Most are teenagers or 20-something year-old guys.

Along my right flank is a raised bar with ramen and drinks and other snacks. The counter is lined with anime plushies, one of which catches my eye: an ambiguously human/animal child tucked above something reminiscent of hot Cheetos. A couple decades ago, this PC bang would’ve had monitors filled with Terran and Protoss and Zerg. I do a quick scan: the games are League of Legends, Overwatch, and Valorant. Nobody’s playing StarCraft. Now, it’s just Creator. 

During his skirmishes, Creator micromanages each unit as if they’re sacred, pulling damaged stalkers back and re-targeting enemies so that no shots are wasted, all while directing a chorus of other units and workers and buildings. His play is crisp, devoid of unnecessary motion. Creator’s hands seem alive. They move with an embodied instinct that comes after thousands and thousands of hours training, all leading toward now: a time when he’s surprised by how fast his hands move.

Creator mumbles something toward me, eyes locked on the monitor and fingers flying. “He says playing in a PC bang is refreshing,” says Juwon. “He hasn’t been in one of these for years.”

 Watching his screen flutter between controlled battle and intelligent expansion, I feel that describing StarCraft is a slippery practice. Observing Creator is to see that, in a sense, mastery warps time. Under his control, this three-second interval of game has been slowed, split open, and carved into a set of micro-adjustments and possibilities that are simply inaccessible to others. Stitch together a few hundred of these moments, and you have one game of professional StarCraft.


That evening, I change into shorts and walk to Songpanaru station. Five minutes later, Creator swings through in a rented sedan to pick me up. I see a guy near me that I hadn’t noticed walk toward the passenger door. It’s Zoun, another GSL player and Creator’s good friend. Without Juwon to translate, I sit awkwardly in the back, observing the city disappear and periodically glancing at Zoun, who watches replays of pro StarCraft matches on his phone.

Our route takes us west along the Han River—the body of water that cuts through Seoul—before turning north to a small outdoor complex just outside the city. It’s dark out when we arrive. Creator is forced to back up and around a bend into an alarmingly tight spot which he does with a suave, palm-over-the-wheel technique.

We walk onto a miniature turf field with two metal goals surrounded by huge swathes of mesh netting. Another team is finishing up. Already sitting beside the field is Solar, Bunny, Jinioh, and herO, the star of last night’s games. Also present are a couple StarCraft I pros I’m unfamiliar with, the manager of a small e-sports team, and a handful of their friends who wave as I approach.

I watch Creator lace up his shoes, the same fingers now appearing strikingly civilian. Nobody exchanges more than basic pleasantries, though it doesn’t matter once we start kicking around. They’re surprised I have a good touch on the ball. I played competitive soccer for fifteen years, and it has a personalizing effect I’d struggle to achieve through language. 

The manager proudly sports a red PREP eSPORTS jersey and circular glasses over an angular, boney body. He seems to take informal charge over the group, sprinting to the middle of our circle and orchestrating an extended and highly organized stretching routine, counting reps in Korean and waiting until the group echoes back.

herO and Bunny are on my team. Someone encourages me to play forward. Creator plays defense. The game is pretty high-level, with players making off-ball runs and pinging tight passes. herO reveals himself to be a skilled center mid, the kind of player that has the ball perpetually stuck to his foot, as if there’s adhesive on his toes.

 I make a slanted run behind Creator, making space and call for the ball. herO sees me and slots an outside of the foot pass that’s too wide, flying into the mesh netting along the sideline. And then a strange thing happens: I feel frustration—a very normal feeling in such a situation, I know, and yet it’s directed at herO.

In a few minutes of soccer, herO turned from a StarCraft God on a stage to someone who just played an annoyingly bad pass. My agitation passes to joy. Then I’m simply playing soccer. We go on for a couple hours, switching teams between games. Bunny sprays copious amounts of Icy Hot on his ankles. Creator tugs at his high white socks. herO instructs players with the phrase ticky tacka, which I recognize as a near-onomatopoeia for one-two passes.

 During one of the games, someone shoots and the ball rockets off the post, bouncing toward the turf between Creator and I. We race toward it, a direct collision course of shoes and shin and ball that results in us both getting knocked back. I feel a flash of nerves, getting stuck in on a tackle like that. But it fades as Creator rebounds with his signature grin, hand forming a thumbs up. Then I’m back on defense to help my teammates, legs churning across the turf. ▩


She’s a Ghost

Can a book breathe new life into a time-worn literary trope?

by

E.R. Zarevich

Season Categories Published
MP602 In Review

Oct 11, 2022


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The Ghost of Suzuko | By Vincent Brault | Translated by Benjamin Hedley | Baraka Books, 2022


What do ghosts, presumably incapable of influencing events among the living, do in the world of fiction? Well, in fact, plenty. They establish a setting as Gothic, allowing the characters who still breathe no peace, floating on the mist that surrounds the crumbling ancestral castle or the ominous forest. They spurn characters to avenge their deaths, demanding from beyond the grave that justice be enacted on their behalf. They loom over their murderers, driving them to madness with guilt. They keep spooked readers awake at night, lurking by their bedsides. They are Shakespearean. They are folkloric. They are the threats in bedtime stories to make children behave. On occasion they even act as comic relief, executing clownish antics like juggling their own dismembered body parts and popping up through the floorboards. And, as in French-Canadian author Vincent’s Brault’s third novel, The Ghost of Suzuko, they manifest another character’s grief. 

Expertly translated by Benjamin Hedley from French to English, The Ghost of Suzuko follows Vincent, an expatriate Montrealer who is named after his creator and has migrated back to 2018 Tokyo, seeking to begin afresh after the traffic accident death of his girlfriend Suzuko. The change of scene change does not, however, alleviate the effects of his trauma over her untimely demise. In fact, the opposite occurs. Suzuko’s ghost begins to appear around the city and persists even as Vincent pursues a new paramour, an irresistible free spirit with colorful eyelids named Kana. Vincent becomes obsessed with Kana’s eyelids, but it’s Suzuko’s image that maintains a hold over his psyche: “There. Right outside the tall windows. The way she moves, that’s her alright. Wool gloves on her hands. Her hips, her shoulders. So fine.” 

There is a literary trope known as The Lost Lenore, in which a dead woman appears in a story as an emotional nucleus for a male hero. In The Ghost of Suzuko, Brault subverts this formula. It does tell the story of a man who still loves a woman who has died, but he does not simply miss her or be haunted by her. The Ghost of Suzuko invites readers to follow its main character through the full turbulent experiences of denial, despair, and reluctant acceptance that develops on the standard tragic-romance ghost story. The mourning period, not the ghost, is the true horror of the tale.

The story begins with Vincent attending a house party, hosted by an old friend of Suzuko’s and his. Exhausted, intoxicated, and vulnerable, he’s unable to refuse a request to honor his dead lover with a speech at the gallery that exhibited her performance art. In his grief, he has not yet accepted the fact of her death. “Oh Ayumi, please don’t talk about Suzuko in the past tense. It breaks my heart,” he begs his acquaintance. Another concerned friend admonishes Vincent for moving back into the apartment he shared with Suzuko when they were a couple. Vincent almost intentionally sets himself up to be tortured by Suzuko’s ghost. 

And so he is. Suzuko’s ghost is sporadic but chooses her appearances carefully. Vincent spots her at landmarks; not Tokyo’s landmarks, but their landmarks. Museums. Buildings. Dimly lit bars. Gardens. Shopping streets. The places where they spent time together. Her ghost is not frightening, or disfigured by decomposition, but perfectly intact in her human form, remaining recognizable to the overly receptive Vincent, who develops a habit of looking for her wherever he goes. She’s an expected recurrence. A semi-scheduled specter, which not even the arrival of her replacement Kana can dislodge.

“Suzuko,” says Vincent during a moment of debilitating loneliness, when no friends or love interests are around to distract him. “Now would be a good time to show yourself on one of these street corners, I tell myself. But there’s nothing but hollow forms. Cutouts of her body appearing at times in the light. Dark shapes. A void. Impressions of what’s missing. The presence of absence.” Suzuko does not appear on command. Ghosts rarely do. 

The Ghost of Suzuko blends magical realism and Japanese mysticism—a genre that depicts, with affection, Japan’s abundant culture of spirituality and the occult. The setting is modern, rife with dazzling technology and infrastructure—specialized “love hotels,” a convenient labyrinth of subways that usher characters from scene to scene—but the story’s supernatural elements descend from centuries of legend and tradition. 

The ghost’s appearances are normal and leave the texture of everyday life largely undisturbed. Rather than flee from Suzuko’s ghost in terror, Vincent briskly pursues it through the streets of Toyko, his hopes for a reunion deflating upon her disappearance, since the ghost has the tendency to vanish at his approach. It won’t allow itself to be captured. “It’s alright, I’ll still catch up to her,” says Vincent. “She’s only about twenty meters ahead of me. But when I get to the corner there’s no one in sight…” At one point he and his friend calmly discuss the ghost in a sake bar. By their tone, you’d think they were discussing a minor inconvenience—a rat infestation, or a broken appliance that cannot be fixed. “Look,” says his friend. “I just want to help you out a little. Seeing Suzuko in the streets, that’s not normal. And you’re feeling earthquakes where there are none.” The ghost sightings are an issue that Vincent needs to resolve, not a new aspect of his daily routine that he should accept and embrace. He’ll be better and healthier, insists his friend, only when he stops seeing Suzuko. 

In its second half, the novel depicts Vincent and Suzuko when both were alive. This solid human Suzuko fills in and eclipses the sentimentalized version of her that has been channeled and understood only through memories, conversations, and ghostly sightings. Given Vincent’s state of affliction in the book’s first half, his reliability as a narrator is suspect in the second. But he’s our only source. 

Arai Suzuko, a fascinating and eccentric artist, does not get to represent herself, and Vincent’s version of her may be one of idolization, with limited insight into either her own thoughts or faults. She was a strange and individualistic woman, with an obsession of carving a place for herself in among the creative celebrity class with unorthodox public artistic performances, and I, as a reader, regret that I wasn’t offered more entrance into the workings of her mind. Suzuko exists through Vincent alone, almost in stiff preservation—an ironic state of being for her, since her profession in life was taxidermy. In this manner, she remains a traditional “Lost Lenore.” 

It was the 19th century American writer Edgar Allen Poe who popularized the literary figure of The Lost Lenore, which still continues to fascinate readers and form the basis of contemporary works like The Ghost of Suzuko. Brault’s protagonist is even a writer-scholar like Poe’s, and both depict the shadowy omnipresence of a beloved dead woman, venerated to the point of sainthood. In “The Raven,” the reader learns nothing about who Lenore was as a person. She exists solely to fuel the scholar’s suffering. Nothing more is said about her other than her name, that she was a beautiful maiden, and that she was loved deeply by a man. Here’s Poe: 

“Eagerly I wished the morrow;—vainly I had sought to borrow

From my books surcease of sorrow—sorrow for the lost Lenore—

For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore—

Nameless here for evermore.”

The Lost Lenore, outliving Poe as his scholar outlives his Lenore, recurs now as a literary device even beyond classic literature, in comic book series and films. Peter Parker mourns Gwen Stacy. In Pixar’s Up, Carl longs for Ellie. Even the iconic Star Wars villain Darth Vader draws sympathy; he lost his own love, Padme. It’s hard not to feel for him at times, even as he extinguishes entire civilizations. What the Lost Lenore does for all these characters is spurn them to action. Peter Parker fights villainy to honor Gwen Stacy. Carl goes on the adventure he and Ellie never had, and Darth Vader seeks revenge.

Suzuko’s ghost inadvertently forces Vincent to confront his heartbreak, driving him to face the remainder of his life and attempt to broker peace between his devotion to her memory and his own imperative to rebuild his life from the point of her passing. He is a writer so—naturally—he attempts to accomplish this by writing a book: “This book I write with her. Without her. I feel lost, alone, distraught. Tons of images in my mind. Intermittent. Sentences, one, then another. Syncopated. Her name often. Her name everywhere. In every word. In every landscape. In the depth of the screen. In the thickness of the pages. Suzuko.” His concentration is muddled by melancholy, and so his project has limited success. What little writing about Suzuko he does accomplish is left private. 

As much as the feminist-cultural movement dislikes and rallies against killing off female characters to evoke male angst and character development, the trope reliably invites the audience to grieve along with the hero (or villain). Who in their lifetime hasn’t lost something or someone vital to their happiness before? And who hasn’t done damage to themselves and others in retaliation? Vincent pounds away on his laptop and isolates himself in the apartment he shared with Suzuko. He lashes out at his friends. He gets drunk in seedy bars. He leaps impulsively into an affair with another woman whom he barely knows. And he relives his time with Suzuko in his head, constantly and involuntarily, frozen in time. 

Brault’s method of haunting lacks the romanticism of Poe’s—a distinction which likely reflects contemporary attitudes toward mental afflictions, which are now less likely to be depicted as whimsical or even aspirational. Never at any point is Suzuko’s ghostly company established as something artistically splendid, despite Vincent’s worship of Suzuko’s memory and their shared experiences. Vincent is not a “suffering artist.” He’s just suffering. His sadness does drive him to write but, at the same time, cripples him creatively. And unlike Poe’s scholar, Vincent at least has a support system. His aforementioned friends frequently chastise him for clinging to Suzuko, and he seems to perceive his own self-sabotage. 

It remains unclear whether Vincent really grows through his bewildering experiences with his Lost Lenore, or if he is doomed to be forever cemented emotionally at the time of Suzuko’s death, like Poe’s scholar under the mocking caw of a raven. Vincent is not ready to move forward and begin to fully heal. Not yet. He will be haunted by Suzuko for the rest of his life. “Neighborhood after neighborhood. Bike paths. Along the canals. The cemeteries of Aoyama and Yanaka. Dark trees and dead grass. Every route we ever took together. Suzuko and I.” The grief may metamorphose into new forms or fade into something slightly less debilitating. But from the desperate and tenacious way he speaks about his Suzuko, his Lost Lenore, and remembers her, it is clear she will always haunt him, wherever he goes. ▩


First Tracks

She offered me an all-expenses-paid weekend in the snowy mountains. In exchange, I would supply her and her friends with snow from the hood.

by

Corey Devon Arthur

Season Categories Published
MP601 Personal History

Sep 27, 2022


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“I double dog dare you to do the double black diamond.”

That was the challenge Karly gave to me. It was December of 1996. I was 18 years old. It was my last December as a free person.

Back then I lived in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn. I’d traversed dangerous terrain in the hood, but nothing as formidable as a double black diamond. Conversely, I didn’t think Vermont’s Stratton Mountain ski resort had seen anything quite like a Black, 18-year-old, ex-convict goon out of Brooklyn.

Karly was 5’3”, around 140 pounds, a brunette with hazel eyes. She was a 40-something account manager for an advertising agency. I met her when I was 15 at a gathering of mutual friends. Karly left behind her pharmacy prescription, so I offered to take it to her at her job the next day. We talked and connected from there. Every so often we partied on the weekends. During these parties, I sold her weed and coke. That’s how my ski adventure started.

Karly offered me an all-expenses-paid weekend in the mountains of snow. In exchange, I would supply her and her friends with snow from the hood. Karly and I sometimes slept together, and she hinted that I could share her bed. This bed came with two additional snow bunnies named Dena and Allison. I was in.

Friday afternoon we bounced from Brooklyn in Dena’s jeep. The tree-shaped air freshener perfumed the vehicle with the aroma of tango mango. Karly and I played in the backseat with a blanket, booze, and blunts. Dena drove, while Alli angled herself in the passenger seat so that she could take the blunt from Karly and swigs from the bottle of Bacardi lemon.

Dena passed on the smoke and spirits. Instead, she sniffed some coke from her right knuckle. We sang along with the songs blaring from the Jeep’s sound system and bastardized the lyrics with sexual adaptations. The radio pumped the ‘80s while Karly played with my penis. Alli eventually joined in too.

We kept it to a tease during the drive there. It gave us something intense to talk about until the time came to tear our clothes and each other apart. By the time we arrived at Stratton Mountain, no one was thinking about skiing.

That night Karly took me into her bed along with Dena and Alli. We continued for hours until the sex broke us and the drugs dragged us the rest of the way to slumber.



Saturday morning I rolled out of Dena’s blonde locks and into the brightest morning sunlight I had ever seen. The sun reflected off the snow and through the window to reveal Karly and Alli already dressed in their Columbia and North Face snowsuits.

Dena and I made a beeline to the bathroom for sex and coke. Then we showered and got ready for the snow.

I got dressed in my two-sizes-too-big Guess jeans, Timberland construction boots, Champion hooded sweatshirt, brown leather bomber, gold chain, and gold grill.

“Where’s your clothes?” Karly asked.

I thought I had literally fucked her brains out, because she just asked me the stupidest question. Or, so I thought. “I’m wearing them,” I said.

“No, your snowsuit,” she replied. “That’s not gonna keep you warm.” Alli giggled from her succulent lips.

“Nah, I’m good like this.” I brushed them off. My pride wouldn’t allow me to admit that I didn’t know I needed a snowsuit. I figured, I’m tough. I’ve been locked up north in the mountains. I’ll thug it out. The way Karly, Dena, and Alli look at me made me doubt myself on the low.

I’ve always been a quick learner. My secret: confidence. Also, I was an expert at mimicry. I’d seen people ski on TV. I figured I could wing the rest.

We got to the ski rental cottage. I got my gear, put my snow boots on, and clicked into the skis well enough. I looked around and noticed I was literally the only Black person there. It didn’t surprise me since skiing wasn’t something that most Black people normally did.

That, along with my inappropriate attire, should have been a dead giveaway that I couldn’t ski. Yet no one ever asked me if I could ski or not. The adults I usually associated with assumed I was older than my true age. They assumed I knew how to do things. I wanted to belong, so I usually found a way to live up to their expectations.

While the girls smoked another blunt, I tested out my ski legs on the flat snow. I matched all the moves I seen on TV. I figured how to stop, propel myself forward, and a few tricks. I had everyone fooled including myself. The girls finished smoking and I sniffed a line to smooth things out. By then I was easily gliding across the snow.

The girls sped off. I slid right behind them. We arrived at the ski lift at the base of the double black diamond. I wasn’t sure how it worked. I watched Alli and Dena get on first. I mirrored them. Karly and I got on next. I had never been that high up before. The daylight sky featured soft parcels of light blues, whites, and pinks pushing against one another. The sky colors performed the past, future, and present all at once. I stared out in wonder at the world from the heavens.

We approached the landing at the top of the lift. I froze. I didn’t know I had to jump to get off. It was too late, and I missed the jump. I fronted like I meant to do that. I grabbed Karly and slid my tongue in her mouth. “Let’s make out in heaven.”

When we finally got off the lift, Dena and Alli already skied down a quarter of the double black diamond. They were as graceful as two snow rabbits running from a fox.

My plan was simple. I would let Karly go first and follow her movements. We skied to the edge of the mountain slope. I wasn’t intimidated by the mountain until that point. I looked around and saw the universe. I saw nothing but sky, tendrils of shaped smoke and tips of green tree tops sprinkled with flakes of snow. I wondered how a common street thug could stand on the same peak as God.

“I know, it’s beautiful, right?” Karly said, and then she was off. My ego tipped me over the edge and I flew behind her.

I accounted for everything except speed. Nothing I’d ever seen could have prepared me for the speed that I gained in a matter of seconds. There was no friction between my skis and the snow.

The trees and people became blurry images of color that blended into each other as I blew by them. I angled my skis to slow down, but even that was too fast. I tried to fall to break my speed, but I only went faster. I dodged people, trees, and boulders by instinct.

Up ahead I saw a cabin. It was one of several rest stops down the mountain. If I didn’t find a way to stop, I would crash into it and die.

I saw a child. No, it wasn’t a child, but a gnome. I tried to avoid hitting it and panicked. I crossed my right ski over my left, and flew through the air. I saw everyone on earth looking up at me. Then I landed head first in a snow bank.

I was in too deep. I couldn’t get out. I was upside down in the snow, with my legs in the air. I could still feel one ski attached to my snow boot. Panic became submission, which turned to sobs. I was going to die.

My snot and tears started to melt the snow around my head. Then I felt my body being pulled up and out of the hole. Everyone was looking at me. It seemed now that everyone realized I was Black, and dressed completely wrong.

“Hey guy, what the fuck is wrong with you?” one guy asked.

“Mommy, where are his clothes?” a teenage girl asked, as if I were naked.

They stared at me in disgust. I sat there looking as dumb as I felt. That’s when my three snow bunnies pulled up. They surrounded me with concern and bewilderment. They shielded me between my shame and the world. I had just been exposed as a fraud.

“Call for a snowmobile,” a man yelled. “Get him the hell off of this mountain.”

“No, I can get off myself, I just slipped,” I shouted. I suspended all concern for my physical wellbeing. There was something more vital I was trying to save: my pride. Looking weak and vulnerable in front of Karly, Alli, and Dena was killing me in ways the elements could never do.

“Boy, you can’t ski. You’re about to die of exposure,” the man countered.

“We got him. He’s fine. We’ll get him back down,” Karly shouted over the rambling crowd. “Thank you, now you can go.” After they left, Dena admonished me: “You can’t ski, can you? You asshole.” My teeth chattered. My adrenaline was subsiding and hyperthermia began to set in.

Karly took compassion on me. She cupped my chin and looked me in the eyes: “We’re going to get down this mountain. Just you and me. You can do this, right Corey?”


I started to feel like a man again. I was cold, but convinced I could do this. I just had to trust Karly.

Karly didn’t know my real age. She was old enough to be my mother. It was during that exchange that the natural rhythm of our biological relationship surfaced. She had transformed from my lover to my guardian.

I composed myself. Karly helped me into my skis.

“Get behind me. Slide your skis inside of mine. Hold me around the waist,” Karly ordered.

Karly’s warm body comforted me through her snowsuit. She shifted her weight forward and I followed. I felt like Lois Lane riding on the back of Superman as I flew over the earth. Except I was a young Black teenage goon gliding across white snow on the back of a white woman. I had just become a mystery for Karly to solve.

Later that night Karly, Dena, Alli, and I hung out in various states of undress. The day took its toll on us. We partied at a slower pace. The women were baffled that I hadn’t incurred a single injury—except my bruised ego.

We concentrated more on conversation and cuddling than climaxing. Karly called the resort’s kitchen and had our food delivered and catered to us. We had steaks, salads, rolls, and pastries. I ordered a liter of Bacardi lemon rum to go with the coke.

I usually kept away from the coke to make sure I had enough for my clients. However, since I had sniffed some for courage earlier, I carved out lines and snorted it off the women’s bodies. It kept me from caving in and crying. Alli and Dena were cracking jokes about the comedy show of me crashing in the snow. My emotional immaturity got the better of me. As a result, I closed down and only connected with them through my cock.

We laid in a heap of intertwined limbs, rubbing against one another. Somewhere in that arrangement I came face to face with Karly. Our eyes locked. From her stare, I could tell she knew something about me that I didn’t want her to know.

“How old are you?” she whispered behind a nervous smile.

“25,” I answered. I wasn’t quite lying because I believed it myself.

Her look of relief assured me that my secret was safe. Had I told Karly I was 18, it would have taken her seconds to deduce she was a pedophile. Karly and I had been having sex off and on since I was 15.

Our sex was different for the rest of that night. We remained close to Alli and Dena, but Karly and I only had sex with each other. She became the dominant one between us. She dictated the positions we screwed in. No longer would she just let me bang away at her body. Karly made me slow down and take my time. I figured I owed her for saving me on the double black diamond. I fell asleep inside and beneath her body.

I woke up some hours later before sunrise. I walked over to the sliding glass doors of the cottage. The view opened up to the double black diamond mountain. I saw its outline against the stars along with my naked reflection in the glass doors. I curled my fist because the mountain had taken my courage.

The Enya Bad Boy remix “I Don’t Wanna Know” was playing. I was blowing a blunt to the dope baseline. Karly brushed up against my naked back with her bare breasts. I blew a shotgun in her mouth. She dragged her nails along my nut sack.

“What’s the matter, hon?” Karly moaned as she massaged me.

“Nothing,” I hissed in anger.

“Oooookay,” she said, letting go of my unresponsive penis. Karly stepped in between me and the mountain. She hugged me around the waist and laid her head into my chest.

“It’s just a hunk of rock made of dirt and snow. You’re a man. You’re made of this,” she said, softly head butting my chest in the place where my heart beat. “And you got will. I can teach you how to ski the mountain. But it’s you that has to want it. Do you want it?” She asked me more with her eyes than voice.

“Yes,” I said, hugging her tightly to me.

“Sunrise. We’ll do it.” She looked up in my eyes for confirmation. Then she left me standing alone to continue staring at the mountain.



Sunday morning she took me back to the ski rental place and bought me the proper clothing. I wanted to buy a Columbia snowsuit like she had. “Name brand won’t get you down the mountain, Corey! Be reasonable. I’m not made of money, mister big time drug dealer!” she said in hushed tones.

Instead she bought me an Element one-piece ski jumper and a matching black, orange, yellow, and blue jacket. The set came with gloves. Karly also got me some goggles, socks, thermals, and a ski hat with a stupid looking fuzzy ball on top.

“So cute,” she said, playing with the fuzzy ball on top of my head. Then we went back up to the top of the double black diamond. Karly spent the rest of the day teaching me how to ski.

The first five times, Karly made me ride down the mountain while holding her from behind. She said, “Use your body to feel what my body is doing.” Then she let me try it at lengths by myself. I still saw everything move at warp speed. Only now I could anticipate it and react without panicking. When I lost control, I forced my falls until I learned how to skid into a stop on the spot.

The pivotal moment came when I remembered what Karly said earlier that morning: “The mountain doesn’t ever move. Everything you see stays right there. You have to navigate around, through and over it. If things get too crazy, bail! But do it on your terms. Control the fall and you’ll be alright.”

I felt cocky. There was a slight bump coming up on the slope. I saw people using it as a ramp. I headed right for it. Up I went. In the air I soared. Flat on my face I fell. Karly and I laughed. My manhood was intact. I got up and started from the top. I skied the entire way down without falling again.



Monday morning the women dropped me off in Bed-Stuy. I kissed and hugged Dena and Alli. Then I squeezed Karly with something extra in my hug, gratitude. She threw in a few extra seconds of tongue just to leave me with a lingering taste of my triumph over the mountain.

It felt like I fell from heaven back into hell the moment my boot crunched the muddy crystalized snow. Under my full weight I sank a few inches deeper. I was home. I blended in with the hood.

The women pulled off. I did a hand-to-hand drug sale to Keisha before the Jeep turned the corner at the light. “Yo homegirl, you short,” I said counting the money.

“I ain’t got nothing else to pay you with unless you want some pussy.” I passed her the rest of the coke I had left. “I’ll holla at you later.” Then I kept it pushing.

Twenty-six years later, I’m on top of a different mountain, in Otisville Correctional Facility. In 1997 I was convicted and sentenced to 25 years to life for robbery and murder of my former English teacher. I am sincerely sorry and ashamed for my crime.

Karly isn’t here to help me off this mountain. I doubt she would even if she was. Karly found out my real age when the media reported my arrest.

I know I’ll never hear from her again, although what Karly told me that weekend on the double black diamond stayed with me: The mountain doesn’t ever move. Everything you see stays right there. It helped me to traverse the many prison obstacles—shanks, gangs, drugs, solitary confinements, abusive guards—I’ve had to survive over the last quarter century.

Unfortunately, these aspects of prison aren’t going anywhere. It’s been up to me to change my relationship to them, anticipate them, navigate around them. Just like I had to do on that unmoving mountain so many years ago. In those cases where I failed and fell, I didn’t stay down. I got back up, and kept striving forward. Karly showed me I had the heart to survive any mountain if I wanted to. I did, still do, and always will. She’s still my Superman. ▩


Some names have been changed to protect privacy.


I Am Expecting to Be Noticed

The initial bird was not an issue because it was quiet. Then the eggs hatched.

by

Zary Fekete

Season Categories Published
MP513 Fiction

Aug 02, 2022


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The bird sounds were becoming more and more difficult to ignore. The apartment-building I live in is old enough now for there to be the occasional loose fitting on the outer walls, and one of these fittings had slipped, creating a hole large enough for a bird to use. A bird did use it and now there’s a nest behind the bookshelf in the guest bedroom.

The initial bird was not an issue because it was quiet. When the eggs hatched was when I realized I had a problem. When this building had been built in the late 19th century the rooms had ornate shelves built into the walls. Because of this I couldn’t just pull the bookshelf away from the wall in order to potentially free the birds or move the nest so that I wouldn’t need to hear the chirps throughout the day.

I can afford to live in an apartment building that is old enough to be considered quaint but which also has certain quirks. My friends from the suburbs rave about where I live. I like being noticed by my friends and neighbors. When I wheel my trash can out on Thursday evenings I always make sure that the can is neatly pushed up against the curb. When I order my coffee every morning, I establish eye contact with the coffee shop employees. I smile at them at all the right times. After stirring in my sugar, I fold the empty paper packets crisply and then I throw them in the appropriate recycling container. I expect the baristas have noticed this. I wouldn’t be surprised if when I enter the coffeeshop that each one of them might silently hope that they are given the chance to wait on me that day. They might even mention it to one another… like it’s a playful game. I text people on important days, to praise them for this or that. I notice them. They notice me. How I relish life’s symmetries!

The chirping always began around dawn. Because I sleep with a fan on in the background, for white noise, I didn’t notice the chirping until I woke up and turned off the fan. Then I would hear them—tiny splinters of noise—whenever I sat down with my coffee or settled myself at my desk. Suddenly I would be thinking about this unseen and disagreeable nest. I imagined the birds shaking their feathers over my clothes and my food.

Finally, I called my neighbor because I know that he does a lot of handiwork around his apartment. He has seven children, and in half an hour he knocked on my door with his two youngest kids standing behind him. He also had a tool box. He said that whenever he does any work he tries to make sure that some of his kids are around to watch, because any life experience is worth watching.

My neighbor took out a skill saw. He plugged it into an electrical outlet and then stood on a chair so that he could get a better view of the upper sections of the shelves. He tapped on the wood a few times, sort of like he was checking a melon for ripeness. He flicked the power switch on his saw and began to cut a slice of wood out of the upper shelf.

In about a minute had had an opening large enough so that he could peer behind the shelf unit. He was using a small flashlight. He said, yes, he could see the nest. He grabbed a hammer, reached through the hole in the shelf, and crushed the baby birds. When he pulled the hammer out it was covered with blood and feathers. This fascinated his kids. He then grabbed an old t-shirt and stuffed up the hole he had cut.

He told me to call him if the mother bird came back to build another nest. I didn’t suppose she would. ▩


Russia Rising? The Eventuality of an Imminent Collapse!

Putin’s ties to repressive regimes in the Middle East and North Africa reflect his own vulnerability—and reveal much about the conflict in Ukraine

by

Fouad Mami

Season Categories Published
MP510 In Review

Jun 21, 2022


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Russia Rising: Putin’s Foreign Policy in the Middle East and North Africa | Edited by Dimitar Bechev, Nicu Popescu, and Stanislav Secrieru | I.B. Tauris, 2021


A few days into the Yom Kippur War in October 1973, then Egyptian President Anwar Saadat woke up Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev at night, begging for boots on the ground: “Save me,” Saadat cried over the phone. Brezhnev’s adamant rejection went down in history less as exasperation with an ally than with a disgruntled adolescent recklessly calling for World War III. Regardless of how Egyptians today make sense of that war, Brezhnev’s refusal to send Soviet soldiers to fight for Egyptians convinced Saadat to abnegate the Soviet camp and join the Americans instead.

The Saadat affair reflects the brittleness of Russia’s dealings in the greater Middle East and North Africa (MENA) region. Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak’s abdication amid massive demonstrations in February 2011—and the Obama administration’s active role in forcing that abdication—are still fresh in Arab leaders’ memory. Likewise, Muammar Qaddafi’s enemies could not have removed him from power in Libya without a no-fly zone and logistical support of the U.S. military. Recently, the removal from office of the Pakistani Prime Minister, following a no-confidence vote in parliament, highlighted the aggressive hand of a U.S. government piqued by his recent trip to Russia.

All this helps explain why Vladimir Putin invests warily in the Middle East and North Africa, which will, experience suggests, with the slightest pressure from Washington, immediately abandon him. Yet the symbiotic and cynical relationships he maintains with the region’s despotic leaders continue to energize the pipedream of an ascendant Russia—and demonstrate the violence on which that fantasy rests. Putin’s Russia has a principal role in preserving the retrogressive and reactionary status quos in the MENA. Contested at home, and chased by U.S. Democratic administrations to improve their poor human rights records, beleaguered Arab establishments reach for Russia as a ballast—and to find a patron that does not chastise them over democracy dues and human rights abuses.

Putin understands this Arab anxiety, and embraces the likes of Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi and Saudi Arabia Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman in turn. Rather than allowing MENA rulers to languish in isolation or irrelevance, Putin’s political support boosts their credentials and lengthens their hold on power. Yet in serving its own narrow class interests, the Russian leadership stands against the legitimate and, most importantly, historical aspirations of the peoples of the MENA, and drags the whole of Russia toward eventual collapse. 

The contributors to the book Russia Rising: Putin’s Foreign Policy in the Middle East and North Africa use the Middle East and North African (MENA) space as a lens through which to study Russian foreign policy. But certain dynamics become clear if the question is reversed. By simply asking what the MENA countries want from Russia, or precisely what the Arab states want from their relations with Russia, we can learn much about Putin and his devotees in the region.

An analyst’s work cannot be limited to decrying what is already visible—it must trace subterranean forces long at work. In 1867, Karl Marx defined capital as a self-contradiction in movement. What he means is that, without perpetual growth through unlimited access to fresh natural resources and markets, capital simply asphyxiates and collapses. As the contributors to Russia Rising observe, Putin indulges MENA leaders in a world where the state structures that used to contain and regulate capital are steadily eroding. National capitalism has become a thing of the past, and amid the real movement of capital development, geared towards ever-increasing globalization, Putin and his MENA admirers are at best nostalgic and at worst neurotic. Once dependent on state structures, capital now claims a life independent of rules and norms set by the bourgeois state.   

Still, Putin is not naïve. In contrast to that of the Soviet Union, Russian policy abroad tends to reflect extremely narrow business interests, not ideological convictions. Under Putin, the state has become a mere appendage of capitalists. Nearly all contributions in Russia Rising find that he fantasizes about little beyond securing a niche for Russian oligarchs to sell what they produce, aiding them on the unflinching hunt for ever-shrinking markets. Presently, capital cannot extort value except through wars and crisis; the war in Ukraine is about more than just the war in Ukraine. As Hegel observed, the real movement of history always registers reality in diametrical opposition to appearances. Russia’s foreign policy in MENA—and its presumed (even, chimerical) “rise” there—can help us better understand the ongoing conflict in Europe.


Putin does not take his MENA clients—not allies—seriously. In the chapter “Russia and Egypt: A Precarious Honeymoon,” Alexey Khlebnikov, a Russian policy analyst, finds that Moscow’s foreign policy often flattens diplomatic relations into variants of business transactions. Khlebnikov recounts how Putin warmly received Egyptian president Mohamed Morsi in Moscow in April 2013. Yet when Morsi was deposed by General el-Sisi in a military coup, Moscow had no qualms welcoming the new leadership. And the world still remembers when, at the Hmeimim air base in Syria in 2017, the Russian military prevented Bashar al-Assad from following Putin on the red carpet—a break from state visit protocol.

Yet many in MENA do take Russia seriously. Hypnotized by yellow media, large swaths of Arab populations, misunderstand Putin’s motivations and actions. The Cold War has a strong grip on the collective memory in the region, and Arabs fantasize about a second life of the Soviet Union in Putin’s Russia. Thus, amid his war in Ukraine, Putin’s popularity rises, as media outlets like Al-Quds, Al-Arabi, and Al Arabiya (variably) frame the campaign in terms of valor and virility: Putin, the last man standing up against American supremacy.

Such fantasies—which Arab ruling elites strive to maintain—helped shroud Russia’s intervention in Syria in mystery. The intervention, in September of 2015, came four and a half years after the uprising of Syrians against the regime of Bashar Al-Assad. By then, the Syrian uprising had evolved from peaceful demonstrations asking for limited reform, to an incendiary and militarized movement. Foreign meddling was not negligible, but the secular and liberal movement, spearheaded by the Free Syrian Army and its political umbrella, was steps away from tipping the balance of power, and ousting Assad and his cliques.

Russia saved Assad from Qaddafi’s fate. But to do just that, its leadership had to frame its intervention by making it compatible with the global war against terror. Did Russia invent Daesh? Certainly not. But the threat of Daesh—the Arabic acronym for ISIS—and other terrorist organizations was misleading described in Russian and Arab media as sweeping not only Syria, but the entire region. Even the Obama administration was complicit in this framing.

Major media outlets such as MBC, ElArabia, or the quasi liberal-minded Aljazeera rarely make clear that, while having saved Assad’s regime and neutralizing the very power that could propagate towards a democratic Syria—that is, forces belonging to liberal-secular opposition—Russia has so far never given Damascus any advantage to expand its rule over all Syrian territory. As Carol Saivetz, a senior researcher on Russian and Eurasian Studies at Harvard, reports in “Russia in Iran: It’s Complicated,” Iran’s successful deployment of non-state fighters in its war against Assad frustrated the Russians, who sought to control forces on the ground.

Meanwhile, Assad plays the Russian-Iranian rivalry to his advantage. Because the Iranians steadfastly reject any consensus that may or may not evolve toward a post-Assad Syria, all Russia’s plans to mediate a post-conflict situation in which Assad could be forced to share power with part of the opposition have thus far remained a mirage.

Indeed, Russia sells its 2015 intervention in Syria as a selfless endeavor to rid the world of the obscurantist Daesh. Yet as Florence Gaub, a security expert, makes clear in “The Nonwar on Daesh,” Russia has rarely bombed Daesh positions. And while Assad is still Damascus’ strongman, his jurisdiction is limited to a seventh of total Syrian territory.

A skewed narrative nevertheless persists: Since Assad’s head did not roll like Ghaddafi’s, then Russia must be a superpower, or at least qualify as a reliable patron. In “The ‘Comrades’ in the Maghreb,” the political scientist Dalia Ghanem underlines how well before quelling the non-violent protest movement otherwise known as le hirak (that erupted in February 2019), the Algerian establishment approached Russia not only as a superpower but as a potential guarantor for its perpetuation. Ultimately, lavish contracts for arms purchases from Russian firms have—among a vast array of contracts with other nations and firms—effectively quelled the le hirak protest movement, and rejuvenated the unpopular and aging Algerian regime.

The rush to see Russia as a superpower is staggering and underlines a political economy marred in miserable thinking wherein non-elites, the subaltern of the MENA, find themselves submerged. But for purposes of ensuring their hegemony and resisting democratization by all means possible, Arab establishments push for a second life of the Cold War—wishful thinking though it may be—and cast themselves an important role in the drama. Posing for cameras to feed the illusion they are making history, five Arab ministers of foreign affairs (Egypt, Algeria, Jordan, Iraq, and Sudan) flew to Moscow and Warsaw last April, allegedly to mediate peace in Ukraine. And just as Arabs—ruling elites and populations both—maintain an inflated sense of Russian power, they also harbor the illusion that U.S. power is fatally endangered or is indeed in decline.

Yet, if there is a single lesson to take from Russia Rising, it’s that even Russia does not entertain the myth of American decline. The contrast between Putin’s realism and Arabs’ romanticism is clear in the Kremlin’s awareness that the bilateral relations Putin has built during his tenure are rooted in personal chemistry between him and his counterparts: Erdogan, Bin Salman, and Netanyahu. Yet since when does personal chemistry guarantee enduring state-to-state relations? What might happen if Putin or these counterparts leave or are replaced? Here Putin does match his Arab counterparts, who read the lack of institutionalization as a vindication of their personalist rule and Oriental despotism! Though conscious of American superiority, Putin does still enjoy cameras and spectacle. And like other sociopathic rulers of history, he’s a role model for the likes of el-Sisi and MBS.


The wishful thinking of MENA leadership is not just ridiculous but sinister. Beyond maintaining a simple narrative to feed infantilized populations, overblown perceptions of Russia’s grandeur enforce the status quo. Other than being anti-democratic, unpopular, and violent, the common denominators between the MENA establishment are their respective policies that thrive on the accumulation of value through shocks and disasters, a dynamic Naomi Klein describes in her 2007 classic, The Shock Doctrine. MENA leaders give Russian industrialists market shares that would have easily gone to truly skilled and competitive industrialists from China or the West, and award arms sales contracts as compensation for Russia’s diplomatic support. In 2006, “Moscow signed a $7.5 billion package of agreements with Algeria, which nowadays buys its weapons almost exclusively from Russia. By 2009-11 Algeria had procured more Russian weapons than China, and this includes 34 MiG 29 SMT/UMT light fighter aircraft, 28 Su-30 MKI (A) heavy multipurpose fighters, 16 Yak-130 advanced jet trainers…”  The contracts tend to have outrageous price tags, a kind of corruption tax. The gadgets also serve little purpose, besides relieving Russian capitalists from eventual asphyxiation.  

Russian arms sales remain a major challenge for democracy activists in the MENA.  Selling Egyptians and Algerians each a license to assemble T-90 tanks is perhaps the shortest way of ensuring the perpetuation of ordinary Egyptians and Algerians’ domestication. If the present order stays unchallenged, the call for the rule of law and representative democracy as spearheaded by democracy activists in the MENA will soon look obsolete, darkened by repeated disappointments and subversions. The alternative for the subaltern populations will be militancy—and an incendiary crusade for a classless and moneyless order. For now, however, several MENA regimes see Russia’s veto power on U.N. Security Council as a guarantor for their perpetuity.


What are Russia’s interests in the region? The contributors of Russia Rising do not wade deeply here. Yes, Russia’s sales of arms, energy, and even grains in MENA are not negligible. But these are now just slim vestiges of the lucrative markets that the U.S. used to leave for the Soviet Union, and later Russia. No longer. Fierce competition with other producers leaves little margins for Putin’s oligarchs to expand. And, again, it is not news that without expansion, capital asphyxiates—in part a reflection of what Marx labels the tendential fall in the rate of profit. More mechanization and technology, he theorized, only deflect momentarily, never reverse definitively, losing profit margins. Right now, this dynamic (rather than the U.S. government or NATO) stifles Putin’s capitalists, as they lose market shares to more robust and technologically advanced Chinese or American firms. 

The compounding impact of that crisis of ever-shrinking market shares will not be felt immediately. It may take decades, perhaps, even a century or two before capitalism completely breaks down. For the time being, what Arab ruling elites miss is that the triumphant American post-1945 world order still holds, in the sense that they will have to either democratize, lest else a radical (stateless and moneyless) order will emerge. The internal contradictions leading to the terminal crisis of capital are a dialectical, not a chronological, eventuality. Sensible historians trust in the Hegelian law of necessity whereby no power can stand against humans’ determination for freedom, especially the freedom from the ideology of the free market.

Lest I digress, Russia cavorts with the most conservative and reactionary elements in the MENA region at the expense of subaltern who, since 2011, has sought freedom—and paid dearly for it. Without Russia’s intervention in 2015, the butcher of Damascus simply would not still be around in contempt of that half a million people he has killed. Disenfranchised and stigmatized Arabs, those elements of MENA populations who breathe the spiritless degradation from seeing the butcher escaping punishment, still dare to claim back their place in history. And because they do, they can neither forget nor forgive Putin’s bombardments of Aleppo, his reducing major towns to rubble, and his instigating the exile of 12 million Syrians. To those Arabs, history is on their side in the sense that Russia is “rising” only to enjoy a free fall. Russia’s pathetic and agonizing campaign in Ukraine vindicates the cries and prayers of its victims in Syria and beyond. ▩     


Don’t Spread on Me

Anti-masking in the new West

by

North Bennett

Season Published
MP412

Nov 23, 2021


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Your barista leans back against the counter behind the bar. His long hair is tied up in a bun. His mask, filter-equipped and pulled tight along the jawline, tenses his ears toward the door. Hours into his shift, a low-grade headache has settled behind his eyes. He checks sales on the iPad: down 23% from last week. He checks tips: down even more. He looks over to his coworker, a burly Iranian man named Amin, who’s looking down at his phone. 

The café is empty. The metal countertops gleam a sterile gray, while the menu, the espresso machine, and the stacks of dusty mugs are all the same shade of medical green. There are no tables, few chairs. There is, in fact, nowhere to settle at all, although customers sometimes try, walking away as if to look out the window, slipping off their masks, and then sipping their drinks with their noses pointed into the far back corner. Now, though, it’s quiet: a late-spring day with sun-bleached sidewalks and a glass door that flashes when it opens. 

A customer. He’s tall, in cargo shorts and a t-shirt. He’s moving fast. Your barista sees a baseball cap, sunglasses, no mask. No mask?

“Hello sir,” your barista says, neck hairs hackling. “If you have a mask that you could put on, that would be great.”

“Are you really asking me that?” he says. 

“Yup,” says your barista. “That’s the law right now.”

“It’s not the law,” the man says, pacing. “It’s governor’s order. And it’s bullshit. You really think those things are going to protect you? Yeah, right! And it’s not even that serious.” He leans in. Your barista tilts back. He looks to Amin for support, but Amin is hiding behind a pillar. 

“Well it’s also our cafe policy,” stutters your barista, “so if you don’t have one, I’ll unfortunately have to ask you to leave.” 

“You don’t have one for me?” 

“We don’t, unfortunately. Sorry.”

The man scoffs. He pulls off his sunglasses and juts out his bottom jaw. “Let me get this straight, you’re going to deny me service right now? Me, a paying customer?” he says. He raps the counter with his fist. 

Your barista says yes.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me!” the man yells. He puffs himself up, spins around. “I’m sure business is going great for you,” he says. “Ok, then. What’s your manager’s number?”

“You can wait outside and I’ll bring it to you,” your barista says.

The man stiff-arms through the door. Your barista prints out a piece of receipt paper. With shaky hands, he writes down one of the owners’ numbers. He jogs out to the man, who grabs the note and begins dialing as he crosses the street, his gait long, his free arm swinging like a mallet.


Your barista began working here back in May 2020. He had chosen this particular café because he was interested in roasting, and this place had achieved national acclaim for its espresso blend. It was also busy (meaning good tips), and had two locations, for variety: one in a hip hotel on the edge of downtown, and another in an old furniture warehouse beside a thriving bakery. This second spot had a wrap-around wooden bar, bare-bulb lighting, and tall windows with mountain views. 

The café reopened for to-go service a few months after the beginning of the Covid lockdown. The owners—two women from California with business and marketing backgrounds—laid out new, pandemic-era policies: masks required, no indoor seating, no cash payments, doors and windows open. They posted informational signs, spread stickers six feet apart on the floors, and, for a while, offered free masks at the door. They warned their employees that they would be focusing on e-commerce and wholesale accounts and may not be at the café as often as usual. They thanked everyone for stepping up during these unprecedented times.  

Business starts slow, but quickens as spring thaws into summer. Although the shop is in a blue city, the surrounding region is mostly red, and not everyone is eager, or expecting, to don a face covering. 

A gauntlet of “Mask Required” signs accumulates from the café door to the front register. At the hotel location, your barista counts six of them. Customers—such as this man here, who’s dressed in athleisure and hovering over the refrigerated drinks —ignore the signs. Your barista asks the man to put his mask on, and he does, but slowly. “I can’t stand these things,” he says to his partner once your barista looks away. He slips his nose out. Your barista asks him to put it back in. 

“I think these are good because they open the economy,” the customer says, using two fingers to stretch the mask away from his face, “but they do nothing for you.”

Your barista says that all available evidence suggests that they do.

“What state are you from?” the man asks. 

“Washington.”

“Looks like things are going great there,” he says. 

During the morning rush, an unmasked man beats his online coffee order to the bar. He steps away from the counter and hides behind some customers, staring blankly toward the mountains. Anna, a gentle artist with long brown hair, double takes as she brings his drink out. She looks to your barista for backup. Your barista steps up to the man, but before he can get a word in the man raises his palm and says, “No, no, no, stop. Don’t say it I’m leaving I don’t want to hear it.” He pushes past the queue of masked customers and exits through the door marked for entrance only. 

A few days later, a suited man comes in looking to do some work and bristles at the lack of indoor seating. Waiting for his coffee, he leans over the bar and fingers to the finance section of the newspaper. “You can’t run a business with a place this empty,” he says. Your barista notes that sales have, at times, been quite brisk, and that most folks seem fine taking their drinks to go. He shrugs the paper closed and takes his coffee out the door. 

Mike, an espresso head from Oakland, laments to your barista how all of the pandemic protocols make the café feel like a McDonalds drive-thru. He says that he used to like shooting the shit with customers, but now he just serves coffee. Your barista notices that some of his coworkers have leaned into this change; they offer quick, unexceptional service and cap ugly lattes before anyone can glimpse their over-frothed foam. Others continue to pour silky hearts, tulips, and rosettas. In either case, the lids ruin the images. Devin, a skilled latte artist, notices this and begins pouring penises instead, chuckling as customers thank him for their drinks and walk out the door. 


As the days shorten and the cafes slow, the staff withers to a skeleton crew. There is often only one person behind the bar at the hotel café, and rarely more than two at the other. The shift lead position—which pays more—is axed, meaning that there is no one to step in when, say, a customer berates your barista for being unable to accept cash. Some employees compensate by coming in late and skimping on upkeep, while others begin using slow times to scan Craigslist for different jobs. A handful simply close the café early. Your barista ticks the boxes on his shift’s checklist, but can’t manage anything more.

Snow comes, and your baristas must clear it. One stays on bar while the other goes outside to shovel the parking lot and sidewalks. When the morning rush hits, the inside barista must run outside to call the shoveling barista back in. Soon, the owners arrive, pulling their new SUVs into the parking lot and asking why the shoveling isn’t finished. They send several emails reminding your baristas that snow removal is part of their job—that the cafe can’t afford to have a customer slip and fall on the ice— but never think to hire a service to do it. One day, when a foot of new snow has fallen and your barista has managed to clear the sidewalks completely, the owners come in late, grab the shoveling equipment, and pose with it beside the fresh snowbanks for an Instagram story. 

Another morning, during the commuter rush at the hotel cafe, your barista looks up from the espresso machine and sees a man sipping his coffee, maskless among the crowd. He pulls a shot and then motions for the man to cover his face. As your barista steams milk, he senses that the man has approached the counter’s plastic shield. He holds his breath as he brings the drink out to the pick-up table. 

“Hey, I just wanted to say,” the man says, “thank you so much for reminding me so covertly. I would have been so embarrassed to have more attention drawn to it. I’m a total masker.”

Once the ski resorts open, the crowds form early. Your barista runs the espresso machine while his coworker takes orders. A family walks in—freshly-showered parents and a hoodied teenager, likely tourists staying at the adjoining hotel. None of them wear a mask. Your barista cranes over his protective shield to ask if they have any.

The family looks around, as if buzzed by a fly. Your barista tries again. 

“Hi there, do you have masks that you could put on?”

“No,” the dad says. 

Your barista delivers his mask schtick.

“But what if we’ve already had Covid?” the mom challenges. 

“Well…” your barista freezes, “the evidence isn’t totally clear. If you can still spread it. Plus nobody else can tell that you’ve had Covid. And other customers could feel unsafe.”

“What should I do then?” the parent asks. Her partner looks on intensely. The son feigns interest in the window pane. 

“If you don’t have a mask,” your barista says, “I unfortunately can’t serve you.”

The dad herds his family out the door. Your barista gets back to making drinks. 

An hour later, he receives a familiar text from the cafe owner, asking whether he’d had any trouble that morning. Someone with a man’s name had written a one-star review: We ordered our coffee and were asked to leave. We even had our masks on. I wont be back or anyone in our party of 3. I will walk an extra block to [another cafe] from now on. I wont be back. Not friendly Not [Mountain West town] Not for me.

Your barista recalls how many of his bosses have encouraged him to read Setting the Table: The Transforming Power of Hospitality in Business—perhaps the closest thing the service industry has to a Bible. In it, the restauranteur-cum-author Danny Meyer writes, “Virtually nothing else is as important as how one is made to feel in any business transaction. Hospitality exists when you believe the other person is on your side.” Your barista wonders what Meyer would think of the masks, the shields, the six feet of space, how he’s backing further away from the bar.


Sensing a dip in morale, the owners begin awarding a gift card to one employee each week for going “above and beyond.” Your barista wins for his reliable mask enforcement. He seems to be one of the few employees left with enough energy to do it. He steps up partly out of a sense of responsibility—he has broad shoulders, white skin, and a bit of height—but also because he wants everyone to feel as safe as possible. Whether any of them actually is safe, of course, is a whole other question.

On the weekend, your barista and his partner take the gift card to the breakfast joint where it is valid. It covers one waffle, no tip.

After clocking out one afternoon, your barista receives a text from one of the owners: someone he had worked with the day before had just reported a Covid exposure. The test comes back negative, but soon a cascade of confirmed cases sweep through the ranks: Sean, Reagan, Devin, the head roaster, the delivery boy, all out with Covid. A confirmed exposure catches the café manager in a contact-trace—he goes into a two-week quarantine. Those who remain struggle to fill out the schedule. Fearing that the business will have to close if they get sick along with everyone else, the owners start working remotely. The residual employees feel abandoned, disposable, Covid-inevitable. 

Your barista reads that death rates among food industry workers have increased by almost 40 percent since the start of the pandemic. Luckily, all of his coworkers recover. Some lose the ability to taste, or catch whiffs of a bad smell now and again. For them, the coffee now seems flat and uninteresting. They lament the loss of this last small pleasure. 

Flush with antibodies, Reagan leaves the café to make more money at a diner outside of town. Anna quits, too. Another employee transfers to a tanning salon, and a fourth skips town altogether. Amin ships out to Air Force bootcamp. New hires take their positions.  

It’s a couple hours from closing time, and your barista hides behind the register, covertly reading the New York Times on his phone. In the U.S., the coronavirus has achieved a post-holiday spike: 280,334 new cases on January 7th, and a record 4,079 deaths in one day. A white man with dreadlocks rolls in, his beard long and scraggly. Your barista asks him to put on a mask. The man pulls out a crumpled disposable one and loops it over his ears. His nose is out, but your barista doesn’t bother the issue since he just ordered a drip coffee. The customer leans in over the counter, as if in conspiracy. 

“So I gotta know, man,” he says, “do you really believe in this pandemic thing?”

“Yes, I do,” your barista says. 

“Seriously? Like you really think that Covid is real?”

“Well, hundreds of thousands of people have died of it so far, so yeah.”

“Huh,” the man says. 

Later, another man approaches your barista’s plastic shield. 

“Your arms look like Michelangelo’s David,” he marvels. 

Your barista pauses, looks at his forearm. “David’s ankles are cracked,” he says, despite himself. “I heard that one day he’s supposed to fall.”

The man drops his head and leaves.


The miracle vaccine arrives, and in early March your barista drives two hours to a pharmacy rumored to be offering it to anyone with a rolled-up sleeve. The first poke registers as both a relief and a challenge: as restrictions loosen, will your barista make it to immunity without getting sick? Information about Covid keeps changing, and its litany of potential side effects seems longer every day. Your barista’s a runner. He wants to keep his lungs healthy and strong. 

Days later, without input from any of the workers—and despite a previous agreement otherwise—the owners re-open the hotel cafe for indoor seating. They name the decision a business necessity. On principle, your barista asks to be scheduled at the other location until fully protected by the vaccine. He draws a hard line. He knows the shop needs him.

In late April, a ruffled, grey-haired regular rolls in to order his usual macchiato.  

“That’ll be $3.75,” your barista’s coworker says. 

“$3.50,” the man says. “It costs $3.50.”

“Well,” says the coworker, “we unfortunately had to raise our prices because of issues related to the pandemic.”

The man twists his face. “What do you mean?” he yells. “The pandemic is over. This is ridiculous—the vaccine’s been out for months! My god. No tip for you, then.” The coworker shrugs. He only ever tipped a quarter, anyway.    

After closing time, Mike rustles a man out of the bathroom. “He shit on the floor,” Mike says. “I knew it. Used to happen all the time back in Oakland.” 

Your barista takes care of that, too. He and his coworkers are out of patience, bitter and thin. Sean blows his temper on enough customers to put his job in jeopardy. The fact that he’d couch surfed and car camped through winter because he couldn’t find an affordable place to live does not seem to earn him much sympathy with the owners. After several weeks’ leave, they offer him one more chance on bar.  

A fortnight after his second dose, your barista takes a few days off to go camping in the Utah desert. When he returns, he is jarred to see that the café has returned to normal. The customers are unmasked, the plastic shields are down, and the bar is surrounded by seats with people. Before the pandemic, your barista would have felt energized by this scene, but not anymore. The men smiling at him today are the same ones who confronted him, challenged him, and disregarded his safety for the last year. He can recognize their coats, their baseball caps. He cannot pretend that they are different people. Your barista gives his two weeks’ notice.

In late May, your barista clocks out for the last time. He unloops his mask from his ears and calls some friends to go for a bike ride. As they pedal, he can feel his jaw loosen, his shoulders slacken. He inhales the sweet spring air deep into his lungs. His exhale is unfettered. ▩


To Be Is to Beam

Who’s there with you?

by

Jamie Li

Season Published
MP408

Sep 28, 2021


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Imagine a spectrum of light—a rich band of blended hues. Imagine this spectrum of light represents your full range of expression, with your most exuberant mode topping out at the highest frequencies one can perceive and your most subdued registering at the lowest. Now, consider the people in your life who take you to these extremes.

When you dwell in those dreary basement registers, who’s there with you? Picture her sitting across from you, gabbing at three hundred words per minute. Her staccato chatter pierces the airwaves yet barely registers at all: empty but deafening, like a penny in a glass jug, rattling next to your ear. In surrender, you dial yourself down. She takes your silence as permission to persist—though it’s less permission and more submission.

Your light dims to a faint glow. Tell me, what color is it now? The mucky beige of quicksand, or even a purplish-black—so pitch dark it absorbs into its murky depths any light you’d otherwise give off. Dulled to the occasional one-word response, your frequency is now one of infrequency. Cornered and listless, you plot your escape.

Who else tarnishes your shine to a dull grey? To run into someone who you once loved is to see a ghost. This encounter leaves you pale, drained of saturation. The paths of your lives once traveled together in a harmonic wave, but now they’ve refracted away from each other. Still, you replay memories through the rosy lens of nostalgia. The pressure of things left unsaid well in your chest. You go blank. How many times have you rehearsed for this moment? Every emotion, thought, and word simultaneously clamors for expression. Every color of light cast simultaneously onto a single point becomes white.

Maybe you’ve reconciled with someone after seeing them in a new light. Like a parent whose brilliance you see only now. A mother or father who wanted the best for you, who still wants the best for you. The only difference is you’ve realized they were trying to do their best with what they had. When did your memory of childhood and your hindsight of adulthood collide in full kaleidoscopic definition? It’s clear now, isn’t it? To be a parent is to give. To be a daughter or son is to forgive.

Now imagine just yourself. Consider a moment when you are aglow, the embers of your soul set alight. Is it due to a long gaze from your lover, laser-like, beaming white-hot from across the room? Or maybe the great lightness in your being comes from a state of flow. A happy hum washes over you, the color of these waves a cool blue. A current propels you. Electricity through water: a surge so strong everything it touches stands on end.

When do you feel this way amongst others? Perhaps you felt this way at the last social gathering. You’re shoulder to shoulder in conversation, and you’re coursing ahead to make a prompt delivery of a joke. You’re on the precipice of the punchline. Tension hangs humid. You land the line like a pilot lands a plane. Release erupts from all around you. Deep belly laughs top the Richter scale. Tears pour from wet eyes. And all the while you’re beaming.

What color are you beaming? Not when you tell jokes, but right now? What ranges of light and expression have you been occupying lately? Is that where you want to be? Have you explored the outer edges of your range? Are you sure you’ve felt the tremors of unrestrained expression up high and the mutters of self-effacing retreat down low? That you pushed your bounds so wholly—like a rubber band stretched beyond its original form—that your new minimum and maximum points must be replotted? And how delectable that none of us can claim that still? That there are expressions of you that remain to be unfurled. That they are an unseen mystery—a vibrance still imperceptible. The ultraviolet. The infrared.

It’s both tantalizing and terrifying, the thought that this infinite potential lives within us all. I guess you could consider that we are the people in life who will take you there. Some of us will coerce and stuff you into claustrophobic ranges until you crumple like a raincoat. Others of us will coax you to stratospheric heights so grand that your prior limits burn away, like meteors in the sky.

So the question then becomes: who are you willing to go there with? ▩


Homemaking

Maybe he was better at interior design than he thought

by

Birgitta Gerlach

Season Categories Published
MP406 Fiction

Aug 31, 2021


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Although he must have walked past it many times before, because he walked home the same way every day, it was the first time he noticed the plant shop. It was a troubling moment that made him wonder if he was as perceptive as he considered himself. But the store was undoubtedly there, plants hanging in the windows and spilling out the front door.

As far as he could tell, plants were green and they sat in your house and sometimes you watered them. He had little time for plants.

Given that, he was surprised to notice that, while his fellow commuters continued down the sidewalk, he now stood motionless in front of the store. The crisis it had caused, by going unnoticed all this time, made him determined to be doubly observant in this moment, to observe the store completely, as a kind of retribution. It was a small store, painted a now-faded blue, with chipped white trim and large paned windows, through whose warped glass could be seen a wall of green. On the pavement rested a welcome mat, its cheery “Come in!” worn and dusty. His gaze crossed the threshold and followed white honeycomb tiles to a sturdy wooden counter at the back of the room. Behind it, a woman bent over an elaborate bouquet. Surrounding her was what he could only call a jungle. Plants hung from the ceiling above her, suspended by elaborate knotted hammocks and slings, around which leafy tendrils draped, falling toward the floor. The tiles at the counter’s base and at the room’s edge were obscured by pots and planters of every conceivable size. From each one a different plant rose, bold limbs reaching upward to the dangling foliage above. He couldn’t have named a single one.

Sliding across this lush wall of plants, his gaze suddenly landed on a pair of eyes; the woman had noticed him and was watching him through the open door. Abruptly, he turned on his heel and strode away. As he turned, he glimpsed a small green pot on the countertop cradling a cluster of leaves and a long stem embellished with a single white flower. Then it slid out of sight.


 A bright “Hello!” greeted him as he swung open the apartment door. She was sitting on the red couch with a book in her lap.

“Hey,” he responded, distracted by his key, which refused to leave the lock. “This key,” he grunted, twisting and turning the stubborn key, “is a piece of garbage.”

“I know,” she said. She put down her book and joined him at the door. “Sorry about that—that’s why it was my spare. Let me try.”

Stepping back from the door, he dropped his bag, pried off his shoes with his heels, and made his way over to the couch, where he sank into its cushions, eyelids drooping.

There we are! Oh—would you?”

He opened his eyes; she was standing awkwardly by the door with the key in her two hands. She glanced down at his bag, slouched by the entryway.

“Oh,” he said. “Yes. Right.” He pushed himself onto his feet and walked back to what she had called the “entryway storage area, for coats and bags and hats, etc., etc., you know, that sort of thing” when she gave him what he thought was a very unnecessary tour of the place. It wasn’t like he’d never been there before, and it didn’t need to be explained that the place where all the coats were was, in fact, the place the coats were supposed to go. Nonetheless, it had been surprisingly difficult for him to remember to use it in accordance with its obvious purpose, and he still wasn’t in the habit of putting his satchel neatly on the shelf or his shoes on the shoe rack, as she did with her own things each day, before pulling on her house slippers. Most of the time, like today, he was prompted by a pointed look.

Having put his things in their proper place, he returned to the couch, where she had picked back up her book. He let his gaze wander around the room. He noted the books and old water stains on the table. The apartment wasn’t spacious, but it was cozy, and it had three windows overlooking the street, which he liked. She’d had it since they first started dating, while he was still jostling between apartments and roommates. When his lease was approaching its end, and she suggested he move in with her, the decision was easy. He’d always hated moving into a new place, the uncertainty of choosing which corner of the room to put the bed, which he could never visualize how to do correctly, only having the sense to tell, after the fact, when it looked wrong. And, of course, there was her, and the way her wide smile revealed a row of slightly crooked bottom teeth, those fuzzy socks she liked to wear on cold evenings. Two months later, he arrived at her doorstep with a single bag and a towel draped around his neck like a scarf. But sometimes, like now, when his eyes scanned through the rooms that were, ostensibly, his home, he could not find a trace of his presence.

He turned his head towards her; she looked up, smiled.

The next day he went to the gym. At the gym he always rode the stationary bike, which he thought was biking stripped down to its purest form. If someone said they liked to bike, he’d ask why, listen attentively, and then, regardless of their answer, tell them that the stationary bike was biking stripped down to its purest form. It wasn’t about where a bike could take you, he’d say, the vistas you could admire from its saddle, or the sensation of the wind whipping past—biking was about legs pumping like pistons, aching quads, the whir of the metal wheel spinning. Although the person would typically respond with something like, “I suppose that’s true,” he left each conversation with the nagging sense that they hadn’t been convinced.

In reality, the opposite was equally true: the bike reduced him to his purest, basest form. The pedal’s relentless turning rendered him thoughtless, mechanical.

But today, only minutes into his biking, something out the window caught his eye. A distant glass skyscraper loomed over its older neighbors. He could see entirely through the corner apartments—through both sides of the floor-to-ceiling windows to the flat gray sky behind. In one of these empty rooms, a silhouette paced. The dark form crisscrossed the barren space, marking a tempo against the clouds. As he watched, his legs slowed, then stopped. The figure halted, turned. Featureless air surrounded its small shape. The gym throbbed with whirring bikes and heavy panting. He perched motionless on the bike’s sparse metal frame. Abruptly, he slipped from the saddle and out of the room.


“Can I help you?” If the woman recognized him, she didn’t show it, which he appreciated. He already felt uneasy in this strange, verdant place with its damp air.

“Yes—I’d like that one.” His finger pointed to the green plastic pot by her elbow.

“Good choice,” she said, as she took his card. He felt pleased—proof of good instincts, he thought—and he signed the receipt with extra flourish.

He felt himself an odd figure as he walked home, in his athletic shoes and shorts, glancing down at the delicate flower clasped against his sweatshirt. At stoplights he tended carefully to the stake supporting the stem’s weight or prodded the soil gently with his fingers.

At home, once he had wrestled the key from the lock, he positioned the planter on the coffee table and stepped back to consider his work. After a moment’s thought, he picked up the few books spread across the table and moved them to the bookshelf in the corner. “Much better,” he thought. He sat down on the couch, admiring the long, slender stem with its single white flower. For the first time he took note of the paper label poked into the dirt. “Orchid,” it read.

Just then, the door opened.

‘Hi there,” he said, looking up from the couch with a satisfied smile as she appeared from behind the door, arms piled high with books.

“Hi!” He got up to help, taking the unsteady pile from her arms and placing it on the table.  “Thanks—oh wow! What’s that?” She had caught sight of the new addition.

He sat back down on the couch. “It’s an orchid,” he said.

She sat down next to him. They looked at the orchid. It sat demurely across from them, its white petals catching the sunlight flickering in through the windows. He wondered what she was thinking.

“I thought you didn’t like plants.”

He paused. “I like some.”

They sat for a moment in silence.

“How long will it live?” she asked.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, does it have like… a life expectancy? Like a dog?”

He thought for a second. “I don’t know. It’s a plant. Don’t they just live until you cut it or something?”

“I don’t know. You’re the one who got it.”

He looked at her, appalled. Could such a flimsy-looking plant outlast even them? He faced the orchid and rubbed his earlobe.

“Well,” she said, pushing herself up from the couch and interrupting his rumination. “I think it looks good. It’s a nice touch to the room—I’m a bit surprised it never occurred to me before.” She disappeared around the corner into the kitchen. “You want a beer?”

“Yes.” Reaching forward, he rubbed a stiff, green leaf between his fingers before getting up and following her.

The curved, willowy stem was drunken and ominous. From their vantage in the living room, the pale, ghostlike flowers peered into every nook, following him as he moved about the small apartment. At night, through their bedroom door, he could see the petals gleaming, their white shapes hanging in dark space. Walking home, he hurried past the plant shop, turning his head to avoid seeing the woman within. Even the bike offered little refuge. With each grueling pedal, he whittled himself away—leaving ever more space in his mind for the orchid to flourish.

He did not tell her this; she had embraced the orchid completely. She regaled him with each new thing she had learned about its care, bought orchid food, felt the soil obsessively, monitoring its dampness. Sometimes, during dinner, he felt her gaze shift past him, into the living room. When he was home alone, he often sat on the couch, elbows on his knees, hands clasped, staring at the orchid, taking in every minute detail. As his eyes bored into the yellow pit of its center (it had some complicated anatomical name, which she had excitedly told him, but he had immediately forgotten), it seemed to mock him with the indisputable fact: he had been the one to bring it into his home.

Then, one day, he entered the apartment to find two white orchids sitting on the coffee table. He froze. Slowly, he closed the front door and walked into the room, circling the orchids with hesitating, deliberate steps. He scrutinized the jaunty figures, their lightly bobbing heads. How could they be so entitled—to his home, his water, to the very sunlight beaming through his windows? They expected and needed everything. His thoughts grew more furious with his circling. He wanted to smash their smug little faces. He wanted to see their fine, arched stems ragged and broken on the floor.

He picked up the orchids, one in each palm, and held them before him. He was clueless before his own rage. He walked over to the open window and, for a moment, paused, before extending his arms.

His eyes scoured the twin flowers’ pale, spotless faces. They returned his gaze, conceding nothing.

“Why does she love you so much?” he asked their blank expressions.

“What the FUCK.”

His head jerked toward the door—she stood there, shocked—and then back to the window, as the orchids tumbled from his hands. Desperately, he grasped after them, but was left bent over the windowsill, watching them fall. Their supple limbs bent and bowed in the rushing air. The leaves rippled; a petal was torn from the stem and swung back and forth in the empty air.

She rushed to the window and looked down. The flimsy green planters lay broken and splintered on the sidewalk below, surrounded by a halo of dirt. The thin stakes had loosened; one had snapped and rested among pieces of green plastic. The other rolled, languidly, into the street. Although the orchids must have been badly damaged, first by the tearing wind and then the crushing impact, somehow, they seemed untouched. A woman in a bucket hat examined the flowers, then looked up searchingly. Quickly, they pulled their heads inside the window.

“What the fuck,” she said again, facing him. Reluctantly, but unflinchingly, he met her gaze.

“Don’t buy any more orchids,” he said, and turned away, exhausted. 

A week later he brought home a tall lamp, which he placed in the dark corner by the bookcase. Now, when his eyes wandered, they alighted peacefully on the lamp, and he thought about what a nice lamp it was, with its muted orange lampshade and sleek metal stand, and how well it suited that corner. Maybe he was better at interior design than he thought—why was it he’d thought otherwise? Then he nodded solemnly and returned to his book.

She didn’t buy another orchid. But one weekend a loud banging woke him from his late-afternoon nap. He found her in the bathroom, carefully hanging a crisp new botanical print over the toilet. After briefly appraising her work, she turned and left, squeezing his arm as she passed. He moved in, closed the door, and lifted the toilet seat. His urine emerged at a trickle. His gaze met the orchid’s yellow jaws. ▩


Baba

Born a world apart, a Peace Corps Volunteer and his host father solidify their bond

by

Tavish Fenbert

Season Published
MP405

Aug 17, 2021


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I walk through the cornfield to greet my host father Baba in the morning. I see him bend over to pick up a piece of split bamboo that he will weave to make a fence. The village will plant corn next month. Baba’s field sits fallow, a dead wasteland of dry soil and two lonely mango trees that have just shed their final fruit of the season. It has not rained in seven months. 

Baba wears a pair of work-torn dark grey pants and a navy blue suit jacket with no shirt. His short salt-and-pepper curls of hair highlight his receding hairline. It has been three weeks since he last shaved his head, a regular act for most Senegalese Muslims. A Guinean cigarette, smuggled across the nearby border, dangles out of the corner of his mouth, the smoke dissipating quickly in the morning breeze. The sun is bright and the air around me is already swelling with heat.

“Baba!” I say three times with steadily increasing volume. At my third call, Baba turns around and straightens up, saying “Hmm?” Then softly, in his deep baritone, he says “Mamadou, naamansii” in mumbled greeting, using my Senegalese name. A warm grin shines through the wrinkles around his eyes. I extend my hand and he grasps it limply. His fingers are dry and calloused. “Did you get some sleep?” he continues. As he moves his arms, his suit jacket opens to reveal the abs of a semi-professional midfielder. “Yes, I got some sleep,” I respond in Diakhanke, the local language spoken in the 400-person village of Afia Magasin. His gaze lingers on me for a moment before turning back to his work. Our hands part. The corners of his mouth are still fashioned into a subtle smile as he transfers his machete back to his right hand and picks up another piece of bamboo to split. This daily ritual of morning greeting is what I will miss most upon my untimely departure from Senegal.


I am again walking through the cornfield, returning to my family’s compound in the early evening after greeting a friend who lives across the village. In a few minutes, the sun will turn deep orange and dip below the horizon. Just before opening the back gate, I glance nonchalantly into Baba’s backyard over the four-foot-tall fence he made last year from large tree branches. I often take a look around as I enter the compound to get an idea of who is home and whom I may need to greet.

Baba is in the midst of a bucket shower. He is soaping up his chest with a loofah made from tree bark. Everything hanging out for all to see. I do not know that this vantage point gives me a direct view of his bathing area. The rest of my family knows, and they accordingly choose not to walk this path while Baba is showering. Or if they do walk through the gate, they know not to peek over the fence absentmindedly. But I do not know this. When I see him—all of him—Baba is smiling. White suds drip off his arms and chest, obscuring for a moment his toned frame. He has seen me coming, surely. He saw me walking home from across the field. He saw me approaching the back gate, which adjoins his yard. He saw me begin to turn my head to look towards where he stands. And yet, he smiles. His eyes gleam, and the corners of his mouth turn upwards as if they do not know how to frown. My cheeks, already red from the day’s heat, quickly flush. I break my eye contact with Baba and look back towards the gate. I can feel his compassionate eyes still watching me, chuckling to himself as the light of the day begins to yellow. 


It is late in the evening and I am sitting in pleasant silence outside with my host family, contently full with rice and watery, salty peanut sauce. I have lived in Senegal for 18 months. I do not know it yet, but a global pandemic is soon to mandate the evacuation of all Peace Corps Volunteers worldwide, cutting short my 27-month commitment. I have heard some news of the virus, but its severity has not yet become apparent. 

Baba, lying on his outdoor palmwood bed, asks me to count the number of small pebbles in his hand. He cannot read or write. The pebbles he scooped up total a sum so large it has taken him ages to count. But time is abundant in Afia Magasin. There are no smartphones to pull us each into our own world of text messages and games, no television to vacuum up our attention. Baba’s pebble-counting task is so easy as to be an insult to my intelligence. If I had been asked by someone my age, I would have laughed it off as a joke, saying “Really? I could have counted these pebbles at the end of my first month here.” But the rules are different when old men ask the questions.

A lump creeps into the pit of my stomach. This may be my last chance to show off my Diakhanke language and prove to Baba that his efforts to teach me have been worthwhile. So I do not roll my eyes, but instead count out loud, one at a time as I transfer the pebbles from my right hand to my left. “Kilin, fula, saba…” I project my voice more than I normally would so that Baba can hear each and every syllable. My host mothers, silently using their hands to scoop the last bites of rice from their shared green plastic bowl, listen intently from across the compound. As I get to 22, my eyes start to tear up. The specter of evacuation looms over my head like a rain cloud. I am thankful for the darkness to conceal my watering eyes and I do not let my voice waver. I continue to count the pebbles one by one as Baba watches from his position on the bed, one elbow propping up his torso. I finish counting and proudly proclaim, “Forty. Forty are here.” Baba smiles and says, “Mamadou knows. Mamadou knows our language.” ▩


All That Glitters Is Not Gold (And Probably Sheds Microplastics)

On the overwhelming experience of stepping into an Ulta Beauty store

by

Abby Seethoff

Season Published
MP404

Aug 03, 2021


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The orange awning and silver letters beckon as I cross the strip mall parking lot. I seldom wear face makeup and feel self-conscious as the automatic doors to Ulta Beauty swoosh open to unleash the blazing fluorescence within. The store’s bright lights and shiny floors illuminate my peeling lips and unpainted fingernails. This is not a makeup counter or a pop-up boutique. This space is at least four times the size of a drugstore cosmetics section. Standing before the legion of backlit displays, I feel crusty. Someone will know I don’t moisturize regularly. I feel out of place, much as I do when I enter a church: the pious will detect my blasphemy. No one here would say it in such biblical terms, but a question I found in a vintage beauty compendium called The Westmore Beauty Book seems to float in the air: 

49. Do you accept the fact that homeliness 
is virtually nothing more than a bad habit? 

However, I have a $50 gift card from my mother, a well-intentioned reaction to the time we went to Ulta together and I didn’t buy anything. It’s much easier to power through uneasiness when you’re spending someone else’s money. So even though Ulta is a store that makes me feel like I should wear concealer and should not wear a bulky coat—Montana winter be damned—I’ve mustered the will to go a few times, dark circles brazenly uncovered, gift card in hand, in search of products that “meet my needs.”

Don’t get me wrong. I like makeup. Particularly glitter. But also metallic eyeliner, rhinestone body stickers, and eyeshadow palettes with bubbles of pigment frothing across their plastic cases. I once nearly bought a light purple lipstick because the color was named “Philosopher.” I liked the idea of the very body parts through which my philosophizing would pass being marked as scholarly by a lavender hue. But I already had a similar shade called “Lilac Mist,” so I refrained. Sometimes I cantilever my feet into heels so tall I can hardly walk to give presentations. All of which is to say that I like some superficial shit. 

So I understand that going to Ulta can be fun. It’s supposed to be fun of the never-ending sort for the customer. The Ulta Beauty Code of Business Conduct calls this fun an offering of “unrivaled ways to be beautiful” and promises an environment conducive to “the thrill of exploration” and “the delight of discovery.” This is a sparkling way of saying that the store is gigantic, difficult to navigate, and filled with products you didn’t know existed for problems you didn’t know needed solving. Hundreds of hairbrushes, hung and shelved en masse above labels with redundant phrases such as “professional deluxe shine,” remind me of my own comb, a blue plastic relic that is probably meant for children. I unearthed it from my parents’ guest bathroom. The tremendous selection at Ulta includes brushes for dry hair and wet hair and hair in any state of dampness in between. There are brushes for cleaning your brushes. There is “The Twirler,” a pink-handled thermal brush with a poke-y ball of bristles. It looks like a softcore BDSM implement.   

Unlike Sephora, a competing makeup powerhouse whose more limited brand selection, smaller stores, and crisp, black-and-white-striped aesthetic project an accessible elitism, Ulta is for all of us. Luxury and drugstore cosmetics coexist under one roof, sharing the same confusing floor plan. Dior mascara ($29.50 a tube) and My Burberry Blush Eau de Parfum ($60 an ounce) luxuriate only aisles away from Essence blush ($2.99) and Revlon tweezers ($3.49). The displays categorize some products by type and others by brand. The “Naturals” sign in the hair care section means “products for curly, thick, unrelaxed, anything-but-straight hair.” The “Naturals” sign in the skin care section means “probably contains some herbs.” 

Question 74. Is your personal daintiness score beyond reproach? 

Neither this more egalitarian approach nor the cheery salespeople, however, can shake my notion that Ulta demands a sleekness I lack. My unwashed hair glistens like some greasy beacon of my negligence. All the eyeliner I’ve applied without primer and all my years of sleeping with makeup on feel like secrets I must keep from the employees, whose “Can I help you find something?” chirps I rebuff. I have not reconciled my obsession with my appearance with my hunch that such vanity disenfranchises me. In Ulta the dissonance runs high; the specific joy of being surrounded by so much shimmer, gloss, and color to smear on my body contends with my revulsion at the rhetoric encasing the cosmetics. I sense that I’m in the presence of something unattainable. 

Question 26. Do you know exactly what 
make-up can and cannot do for you? 

Ulta’s mission statement proclaims, “Every day we use the power of beauty to bring to life the possibilities that lie within each of us.” This pleasant, diluted language lands in a strategic sweet spot: the sentiment feels good to read, but its vagueness disburdens Ulta from accomplishing anything beyond peddling prettiness. Ulta’s aspiration to cultivate the potential of its customers, the majority of whom are women, is optimistic. Beauty does have measurable, gendered economic value. In the book Fat, Pretty, and Soon to Be Old, Kimberly Dark identifies this phenomenon and endorses “the savvy application of social knowledge.” She advises a reader who might curry favor in a job interview by wearing makeup to do it. Dark also acknowledges that these techniques are limited. They do not challenge the underlying system of straight-haired, small-nosed, light-skinned privilege. So even someone who manages her appearance immaculately, from the tightly wound curls on her head to the tailored cuffs of her pants, cannot control how other people perceive that appearance and make judgements upon it, racist, misogynist, or otherwise. Ulta and the marketing of its products ascribe real authority to beauty. But the power of pretty is only ever partial. 

Question 19. Do you keep abreast of the developments in the world 
of beauty—as well as the world in which you live?

It is not new, the yoking of a woman’s worth to her attractiveness. In 1956, my mother was born and the 252-page, male-authored Westmore Beauty Book was published with gems of advice like “there is almost no limit to what your face can do for you—or what you can do for your face.” Cosmetic companies still strive to increase your “face value,” except nowadays they co-opt social justice themes in the process. Once at Ulta, a display encouraged me to “JOIN THE REVOLUTION.” Which one? I wondered. On one hand we have what’s now called “the Fenty effect” of pop star Rihanna’s wildly popular makeup line, released in 2017, with more than forty shades of foundation formulated to actually work for women of color. After Fenty Beauty blew up, cosmetic companies that had never served darker skin tones suddenly expanded their offerings and diversified the models in their ads and packaging, too. On the other hand, many of these brands pivoted because they didn’t want to seem regressive and because so-called empowerment is trendy. This profitability explains the origins of the $30 Tarte “Dream Big” eyeshadow palette with colors like a pale pink called “Risk Taker,” a black called “Hustle,” a gold called “You Can,” and a beige called “Ambitious.”

Marketplace feminism is “more of a brand than an ethic,” as Andi Zeisler puts it. In an Ulta store, a woman has the right to choose. Among facial cleansers, that is. The IT Cosmetics display in Ulta is all about the individual who can join the movement with “game-changing” products that, “in the hands of real women everywhere, become life-changing. We believe you’re an IT Girl the moment you try IT.” The game being changed might only be that of wrinkles, but because a “real” woman’s beauty determines her value and that beauty depends on the appearance of youth, the wrinkle game does, in fact, have life-altering consequences. “That old women are repulsive,” Susan Sontag wrote almost fifty years ago, “is one of the most profound esthetic and erotic feelings in our culture.” To delay this undesirable but inevitable outcome, an independent woman (who, according to IT, is simultaneously a girl), can at last assert her worth and defend herself against the ravages of time by applying “anti-aging armour” such as “Confidence in a Cream.” Such a shield preserves that independent (read: affluent) woman by infantilizing her. 

Question 9. When and if your beauty regime fails to produce
the desired results, can you truthfully say it is because of your
need for more beauty know-how and not because of a lack of
persistence or willpower?  

As teenagers sitting in my childhood bedroom, my best friend Johanna and I vowed that we were going to look like the pop singer Fergie in our thirties and Mrs. Lee, the mother of my first love, in our forties. We did not talk about how Fergie’s livelihood depends on how she looks, how a team of people spend their work week creating and maintaining her image, nor how she exercises like an elite athlete. Nor did we wonder how Mrs. Lee, who offered a realistic antidote to the fantasy of Fergie—or at least an example of the effects of decent genes and a fairly comfortable lifestyle—had ended up so elegant (code for “still beautiful.”) We were thirteen, for Christ’s sake. We’d fallen for what Sontag calls the “quixotic enterprise:” trying to maintain a girlish appearance even as the decades spin on. After all, an “IT Girl” strives to never lose her pedophilic appeal. 

I started using eye cream in high school on the advice of my gorgeous thirty-something flute teacher. It felt like I was winning. I thought I’d figured out how to cheat the system, when all I’d done was succumb to it. With jars of “Advanced Night Repair Eye Synchronized Complex II” provided by my mother, I bowed early to the fear of aging. Nowadays I cheat time self-righteously with a glass jar of organic rosehip oil and shea butter eye cream from a small mountain town in Oregon. I feel as if I’m taking care of myself when I remember to apply the under-eye serum, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to be pretty when I’m old. Knowing that this desire has been constructed within me does not make it go away. 

Question 14. Do you realize that beauty today is more 
often a question of know-how than money?

“Nothing so clearly indicates the fictional nature of this crisis,” writes Sontag, “than the fact that women who keep their youthful appearance the longest—women who lead unstrenuous, physically sheltered lives, who eat balanced meals, who can afford good medical care, who have few or no children—are those who feel the defeat of age most keenly.” Thus the women with the most access to anti-aging serums are also subject to additional pressure to preserve themselves and all the more disappointed and ashamed when their bodies, like those of every human, show outward signs of decay. Karma adherents, vision board enthusiasts, and cognitive behavior therapy advocates might posit that when Johanna and I made the Fergie pact, this intention was enough to nudge the universe toward its manifestation. Cosmetic rhetoric would have us believe that she and I are responsible for how we look as we age, as though character determines appearance and the money we spend, the genes we inherit, the trauma we accumulate, the pollution we endure, and the marginalization we survive all have no bearing on whether we arrive at old age haggard or glowing.

Question 11. Do you accept the need to look, think, act and feel like a 
beauty if you wish to be accepted as a true beauty?

“Let me know if you have any questions!” at least one salesperson trills when I wander through an Ulta. I have so many, I think. What distinguishes “Girl Boss” fake eyelashes from “Center of Attention” fake eyelashes? How did the “Take me back to Brazil Rio Edition” eyeshadow palette, with a warning that reads “PRESSED PIGMENT SHADOWS ARE NOT INTENDED FOR USE AROUND IMMEDIATE EYE AREA,” make it to market? Who thought it was a good idea to name a brown eyeshadow “Cat Call” or include in the Urban Decay “Vice” line of lipsticks a shade of pink called “Violate”? 

People who work in makeup stores tend to be friendly. They dispense compliments freely. They have to be this way, so that customers feel comfortable sharing their insecurities aloud. But the conversation I imagine we would have exhausts me. If I were to engage with one of the employees, we’d have to talk about endocrine disruptors and how I’m trying, with limited success, not to put them on my body. Ingredient scrutiny is trendy, so more cosmetic packaging than ever highlights what’s not there, much like food labels. But there are still so many legal and prevalent hormone-interfering, environmentally damaging additives: BHA and BHT; triclosan; polyethylene glycol; siloxanes; parfum or “fragrance”; petrolatum/mineral oil; sodium lauryl sulfate; methyl, propyl, ethyl, or butyl parabens; the anolamine family (DEA, TEA, and MEA); phthalates… and so on. The list is too long. It’s difficult to remember. And while these ingredients do little immediate damage, they can accumulate and wreak havoc later on, in the form of cancer or infertility. Significant intellectual burden falls on the consumer who doesn’t want to slowly poison herself. 

Question 21. Do you know your own face-type—in terms of beauty? 

After the litany of ingredients to avoid, I’d explain that I’m prone to rashes. During a Sephora makeover in college, the stylist rubbed a moisturizer ‘for sensitive skin’ on my face. It stung like hell. Once at a Macy’s brow bar as a tween (during an appointment my mother had sprung on me), the esthetician, after ripping out a flock of hairs, put a serum on my forehead to alleviate incipient redness. I wore a swath of supernovae acne for a week.  

Then—back at Ulta—I’d have to say that I do not want cleanser, foundation, face powder, toner, astringents, blush, bronzer, primer, acne treatment, concealer, or setting spray. I have what the brand Philosophy calls “makeup-optional skin,” which their “Purity Made Simple Moisturizer” promises to produce in just three days, as if all skin were not intrinsically makeup-optional. Feminine beauty, Ann J. Cahill writes, “far from being something natural or innate, is a state to be striven for, a state that takes planning, careful work, and a significant investment of time.” Granted, my unblemished, light, and relatively young skin still adheres to conventional beauty standards. But the dominant face makeup narrative insists that all faces, including mine, need fixing: color-correction, shine elimination, pore reduction, fine-line smoothing, and perhaps a Tarte primer called “BLUR.” No matter that the second ingredient after water in the “Purity Made Simple Moisturizer” is cyclopentasiloxane. The Environment Canada Domestic Substance List classifies cyclopentasiloxane as “expected to be toxic or harmful” and “suspected to be an environmental toxin and bio-accumulative.” Purity, after all, is in the eye of the beholder. Though Purity Made Simple Moisturizer, were it in your eye, would probably cause a burning sensation. 

Question 1. Are you more attractive and more beautifully 
groomed today than you were five years ago? 

I’ve been to Ulta seven times in my life. Three of those times I’ve left empty-handed and too overwhelmed to buy anything. Once I bought a “third-eye” face mask to mail to my hippie cousin and coconut milk face wash for myself that made my cheeks soft for a few days before it started causing dry patches. Another time, enabled by the sparkly pink gift card, I got a hemp bath bomb, some NYX “Hella Fine” liquid eyeliner, a collagen-infused marine sponge, and a jade face roller—because when healthcare isn’t universal, self-care can pretend to be. Whether it involves rubbing your cheeks with a stone or smoothing overpriced lotion on your forehead, a so-called “skin care routine” can help people to stay familiar with themselves, to feel the reality of their physical bodies. Maybe this kind of self-knowledge is the “power of beauty” that Ulta seeks to harness. Or not. 

The idea that looking good feels good and feeling good looks good is fraught. Once, when I was 23, in an athleticwear store aimed at women, I tried on a teal swimsuit top. 

“It fits you great, honey,” my mom said when I showed her. 

“Yeah?”  I smiled. 

I closed the dressing room door and looked in the mirror again. The band compressed my ribcage. The straps dug into my shoulders. I felt squeezed. But it looked good. Cahill writes that the pleasure of feminine beautification is beneficial and feminist only if it is “distinguishable from the demands that patriarchal society places on female bodies.” The incongruity between my appearance—hot—and my sensations—too tight—was overwhelming. I started crying, quietly. 

Question 98. Do you know the beauty value
of a smile and a pleasant disposition? 

I know that palatable can be safer. Prettiness is a social lubricant, a waived speeding ticket, a salary bonus. What Baudelaire wrote more than a century ago about a woman’s duties—“she is obliged to adorn herself in order to be adored”—remains true. Ulta makes me uncomfortable because beauty is both a site of resistance and a site of repression, where the tools of drag performance and body affirmation in other hands can be magnifiers of self-hatred and pressure to conform. And Ulta doesn’t seem very interested in acknowledging that challenge. Instead Ulta’s feminism is comfortable, safe, and fun. It’s apolitical and neo-liberal. In this context, women liberate themselves by their individual choices and through full participation in free market capitalism. And feminism based on consumer purchases is wildly successful, to the tune of $6.71 billion in revenue for Ulta in 2019. In her 1990 book The Beauty Myth, Naomi Wolf calls this corporate income “capital made out of unconscious anxieties.” 

It is tempting to curse fashion and beauty as frivolous pursuits that, as Jacki Willson explains in Being Gorgeous, trap women in their images and exclude them from politics. But the problem does not lie in the desire to find the best highlighter for your complexion. The problem is that “the mask is the woman.” No wonder, then, that going into Ulta is unsettling: the entire enterprise is dedicated to the fact that my appearance is inextricable from my value as a person. In this context neither wearing makeup nor abstaining from it are without repercussions. The age-old damned if you do, damned if you don’t paradox. As long as it remains lucrative to foster insecurity, I will feel surveilled under the bright lights of Ulta. I will still sense, in that store, that I am in the presence of something unattainable. My fully realized, beautiful (and therefore wealthy) self can never come into being. She will never be satisfied. And Ulta will be there to assuage and perpetuate that inadequacy. 

“Your real beauty inspires me!” reads a quote from IT Cosmetics CEO Jamie Kern Lima alongside before and after photos of her with and without makeup. “Real” beauty as an inherent trait only waiting to be unveiled—a process of revelation that ironically occurs through covering the face with creams, powders, and pigments—is the mission of the Too Faced line of foundations called “Born This Way.” The pursuit of “real” is also the goal of the hair-care brand Bed Head. Their extensive product line implies that this “natural” state cannot be achieved without synthetic intervention. And as it’s presented by these snippets of marketing copy, the idea that our authentic selves are accessible only through artifice is a gimmick to sell products. Yet there’s a path toward liberation intertwined in that concept, if through artifice I shed light on my irrepressible self. 

One of my former roommates threw parties for Purim, a carnivalesque Jewish holiday where revelers are encouraged to drink alcohol, make nonsense speeches, and wear masks, or as she liked to say, partake in gender anarchy. To prepare for our 2019 festivities, I stopped at a barbershop for an undercut, leaving with the hair between the nape of my neck and my ponytail buzzed. At home I realized the full ensemble, sliding in rhinestone earrings long enough to brush my shoulders and wiggling my feet into silver stilettos. Along my eyelids I glued giant, bejeweled fake eyelashes; across my cheeks I dusted the fancy glitter (Fenty Diamond Bomb, if you must know). And above my lips—reddened with a color named “New Temptation”—I used the liquid eyeliner from Ulta to draw a curled, mosaic Salvador-Dali-esque mustache. 

***

In July 2020, Ulta unveiled its “Conscious Beauty at Ulta Beauty” initiative, following in the footsteps of “Clean at Sephora” with a “Clean at Ulta Beauty” distinction based on an extensive list of “made-without” ingredients. Ulta has also begun identifying and grouping products that are sustainably packaged, vegan, and/or cruelty-free. I haven’t been inside an Ulta store in more than a year; I don’t know how these changes have affected the in-person shopping experience. I do know that in November 2020, when I finally got around to spending a second gift card from my mother (“I thought you liked that store!” she complained), the online version of Conscious Beauty was difficult to use. It’s not yet possible to filter a product search by sustainable packaging, for instance. Instead there are long lists of brands in each category. One of these did lead me to a recycled-plastic tube of reef-safe Kinship sunscreen, but I soon grew tired of inefficient scrolling and inconsistent ingredient labels and selected the remaining items based on colors and glitter content. 

In the months to come I imagine that in-store Ulta staff will hang freshly printed signs, rearrange accordingly, and set up new displays. Employees’ knowledge of product specifications will become even more encyclopedic, if they’re particularly dedicated, or they’ll reach the same threshold I did and give up on cataloguing so much information. The Westmore Beauty Book asks, 

7. Is your individual beauty plan in keeping
with your personality and way of life?

But there’s no way to square an individual plan with the fundamentally overwhelming nature of an Ulta Beauty store, in part because organizing thousands of cosmetics is a daunting task, and partly because I’m no longer sure it is worthwhile to curate an approach to beauty that communicates my personhood. I love flashy makeup. I would prefer not to get cancer. I also value consumer literacy, want plastic-free packaging, and wish deeply for better regulation. Conscious Beauty sounds like a product that will “meet my needs.” I know it won’t. 


Tracking the Joke

iFunny, the rise of alt-right memes, and me

iFunny

by

Paul Schorin

Season Published
MP403

Jul 20, 2021


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“A few​ years ago, when it suddenly occurred to us that the internet was a place we could never leave, I began to keep a diary of what it felt like to be there in the days of its snowy white disintegration, which felt also like the disintegration of my own mind. My interest was not academic.”

– Patricia Lockwood, The Communal Mind

It’s no longer raining when we get home from the teen psych ward. On the drive, the rain struck staccato across the roof of the silent car. But by the time Dad rolls to a stop in front of our apartment building, it is dry and dark and quiet. Mom helps me with my bag.

My bedroom is different. Books from the floor on the bedside table, the closet door and desk drawers ajar. The shaggy rug lying on the hardwood like a deflated Komondor is folded over at the corner. I’d recently learned to not care about these sorts of intrusions, so I don’t. I take my first good shower—with truly hot water, and nobody watching you through the curtain—in a week. I say goodnight to my parents, huddled at the kitchen table. It’s quiet again, and the dog sleeps in fits by the front door. I brush and spit, get into bed, and download iFunny.


In August, 2019, the FBI raided the house of Ohio man Eric Olsen. Agents seized 15 rifles, 10 semiautomatic pistols, and 10,000 rounds of ammunition, all of which belonged to Mr. Olsen’s 18-year-old son, Justin.

If the scale of this arsenal took law enforcement by surprise, its actual existence almost certainly did not. Using his iFunny account ArmyofChrist, Justin Olsen had for months been threatening violence against his perceived enemies, including Planned Parenthood, homosexuals, Muslims, feminists, and federal agents.

Even with Olsen swept aside, over the next year ArmyofChrist-esque material continued to flourish on iFunny. Embedded in comedic memes to be consumed by the app’s young and impressionable user base, ideological scourges like white nationalism and homophobia mutate and adapt, taking on primer, more resilient appeal.


Sophomore year of high school was hard. I bounced around several outpatient and inpatient psychiatric care facilities with what was deemed, at various turns, bipolar disorder, aggravated ADHD, body dysmorphia, and depression. My smorgasbord of diagnoses, frequent extended absences, and general moodiness isolated me from my classmates at a school I’d only attended two years. In the absence of a local peer group, I turned online.

I’d heard about iFunny at the first inpatient facility I went to—a teen psych ward upstate. A patient with a long, blonde braid told me about it. Her boyfriend had downloaded the app for her, and when her parents had decided to take her to the hospital for suicidal ideation, he promised to save every meme she missed so that she could see them all when she was released. She said that like it was the sweetest thing he could do for her, and given the red warmth lighting up her cheeks, I believed her.

When I downloaded the app the night I returned home from that facility, I quickly discovered the thrills of its anti-establishment, anti-authority content. Back then, authority on iFunny wasn’t represented by the New York Times or Anthony Fauci or vague notions of “the left” that usually just mean women and non-white people. Instead, authority meant teachers and parents, standardized tests and summer jobs, and anyone or anything else challenging the limits of your erupting autonomy. As a teen, any authority can control you, your actions, your whereabouts—yet iFunny seemed to represent the concession that no one could control your thoughts. As a teen also undergoing a struggle for control over their own thoughts, that concession had immense appeal.

iFunny is owned and operated by a Cyprus-based, Moscow-headquartered tech company called FunCorp. Launched in 2011, the iFunny app typically ranks in the 40s for entertainment apps in the app store, where it greets users with a yellow smiley face logo. Despite its relatively low profile, iFunny averages about 10 million monthly users—most of whom are, in my experience, teenage males.

Aside from the comment threads, the three most significant of the app’s realms are Features, Subscriptions, and Collective. Features is a selection of posts from Collective chosen by community moderators. Appearing every few hours, featured memes are meant to appeal to a wide array of iFunny users, who get notified whenever a new batch of features is posted. Features also set the bar for success; if you want to be featured, you make memes similar to or riffing on those that have been featured before.

Subscriptions collect the posts by the users that you have followed, allowing you to stay up to date with accounts whose particular brand of humor or commentary you (literally) subscribe to. Individual accounts rise to prominence by collecting subscribers, an ascendance often aided by getting a feature or two.

And Collective is everything else. Star Wars memes, food TikToks, solicitations for anonymous sex, dogs eating weed brownies, Legend of Zelda fan art, pleas for religious morality, and furry porn. Every post on iFunny starts in collective, anticipating its moment in the backlit sun.

In my early explorations of iFunny, sexist and racist posts did appear on my feed, but these were largely confined to Collective. Any truly off-putting memes that slipped through into Features seemed like outliers or, I imagined, curatorial accidents.

In retrospect, I probably wasn’t ready to grapple with the severe flaws of one of my few sources of comfort during this difficult time. And iFunny offered so much more! Beyond its surreal, bafflingly esoteric humor, iFunny was where I found some of the first uncurated queer content I’d ever seen, far more boundless and vibrant than the corporate-friendly queerness readily available elsewhere. In Collective, I knew if I kept scrolling through everything that hurt me or attacked others, I would come to some Hannibal fan art of Mads Mikkelsen tonguing Hugh Dancy. Presumably, this was not sanctioned by NBC.

Like the cuts along my arms that I hid at school under hockey jerseys, iFunny made me aware of a life outside of my own. Suddenly, somewhere beyond my pre-calc teacher’s rasping, reedy voice, there was another frequency into which I could tap. As one long-time iFunnyer put it to me in a chat, “It’s fun to be a different person sometimes.” On iFunny, I wasn’t the crazy kid, the quiet one, the difficult one, or anyone else I didn’t want to be. I was kingtroy17. 

“Part of the ship, part of the crew,” a line borrowed from Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, is a common refrain on iFunny. It’s not only indicative of how the scraps of 2000s pop culture sometimes ossify into online gospel, but also of the dynamics of iFunny’s community. In Pirates of the Caribbean, the Flying Dutchman subsumes its motley crew into the architecture of the ship itself, demanding the sacrifice of one’s autonomous body to fully belong. In short, the promise of seafaring freedom has its own limitations.

As I moved through high school, my need for iFunny decreased and so did my understanding of it. I’d grown out of touch with its day-to-day trends, the younger users, and the rivers of antecedent memes one had to understand to understand each subsequent meme. Soon, I only looked at iFunny occasionally before bed. By the time I was in college, I checked iFunny about once a week, and less during exam periods. At college, I had found more of a community than I had ever known before in my real life, and iFunny gradually shrank into the background.


Last March when COVID-19 forced us all online, I rediscovered iFunny and, with it, the new surge in right-wing memery. Those beset with a sense of conservative victimhood could always find self-righteous bigoted content on iFunny. But in 2020, you didn’t even have to try. Reposts of anti-Islamic webcomics or memes about Jews benefitting financially from the pandemic or quotes from alt-right Twitter philosophers were front and center, comprising sometimes as many as half of the day’s Features. A zero-sum “us” vs. “them” mentality announced itself with urgency. Rather than merely pointing out a perceived hypocrisy in gender theory or complaining about “cancel culture,” these memes expressly invited engagement and action.

In one, a skeleton in U.S. military regalia detailed all the reasons it was okay to hate the left, ending with because “they hate you”; another meme featured a doctored headline about how hydroxychloroquine was an effective solution against COVID-19, but the liberal media didn’t want you to know the truth. The comment sections followed suit: On a particularly hateful meme mocking the accidental death of trans artist SOPHIE, who famously said “God is trans,” you can find comment after comment to the effect of “Glad God set the record straight.”

As this smattering of fringe conservativism become the dominant ideological focus of the iFunny’s userbase, FunCorp CIO Denis Litvinov denied responsibility. “What is happening online is a reflection of our society,” he wrote on Medium. “Tech companies—and content moderators in particular—cannot magically fix the evil found within humanity, nor can we prevent it from finding its way online.”


I’d hoped to use iFunny’s memes as a balm for early pandemic anxieties. But as bigoted content continued to increase in frequency and intensity over the following months, instead I found myself wondering what had happened to the platform.

The relationship between iFunny’s content creators and the content they create can be easily misunderstood. While one might assume an iFunnyer’s ideology would cleanly align with their content and profile, users I spoke with tended to actively resist or rebuff political classification.

“I believe that every form of government is sinful in some way, that God and the Word is the only true form of political ideology a person needs,” Bearpaw told me in a chat.

“I don’t really stand anywhere on the political compass,” wrote another iFunny user, who requested anonymity. “I don’t really align hard anywhere, and the idea of categorizing people by beliefs depresses me.”

“I’m a heavy environmentalist, an economic populist, and an ethnic nationalist,” Cruhngle told me. “I don’t know what affiliation summarizes that.”

Political memes on iFunny aren’t meant to be statements of political intent; they’re meant to be funny. Many of the iFunnyers that I spoke to see their content first and foremost as the means to a reaction, be it one of laughter or disgust. And when the content featured in iFunny’s front window laments the downfall of traditional masculinity and promotes petitions to ban “WAP” from the radio, you get a sense of what sells.

“Politics is an entire shit storm, constantly shooting out one stupid thing after another,” said an iFunny user with over eight thousand followers, who requested anonymity. “Because it is so constant, it’s a stable market, hence all the political memes. I post political memes from all sides, even if I disagree.”

Given the upcoming election and the grim spectacle of the Trump administration, 2020’s memes were always going to have overwhelmingly political inflections. But the pandemic, which trimmed away the other topics that usually get rolled through the meme factory—television shows, sports, celebrity drama, video games, blockbuster movies—sharpened the year’s memery. By mid-April, a scroll through the features section would probably expose you to memes regarding Tiger King, or Animal Crossing, or how masks were slowly turning the American public into feminist drones.

In this new context, the same dynamics that drew me to iFunny years earlier now encouraged its worst tendencies. The old thrill of a featured meme being endlessly riffed on over the course of a week until it had changed, almost imperceptibly at first, into an entirely different meme—that was still there. But featured memes were no longer about archetypal authority figures like unfair teachers or pushy parents. They targeted ethnic and religious groups, gender identities. More immediately and viscerally exciting than Gab or Parler could ever be to younger users, iFunny had become a visual chatroom for the alt-right.


In the early afternoon of January 6th, I got a haircut. After I almost gave myself premature male-pattern baldness in my previous self-administered attempt, it was time for my first professional haircut since the beginning of the pandemic. The “short cut” would cost $25, but I would no longer look 37.

When I checked my phone after the haircut, sometime around 2 p.m., CNN was already reporting the first acts of violence at the Capitol riots. I ran home, turned on the television, and watched the grim events unfold for the rest of the afternoon.

How the Capitol riots would affect iFunny was the furthest question from my mind. And yet, the riots did change the app with surprising rapidity. Almost immediately, featured political content appeared with less fervor and frequency. By February, a featured political meme generally promoted broadly agreeable, often anodyne ideas, such as respecting veterans for their service or offering paid leave for all employees. I can only describe this change as I experienced it, as all my requests to talk to those involved with iFunny on a management level have been rebuffed, but it seemed like there was an active awareness now amongst moderators that content demanding that loyal Americans stop the steal was no longer quite as online-only as it may have once appeared. You could still find the memes saying to never give up, to wait on Q for signs, to get Trump back on Twitter, but these no longer took center stage.

Not long ago, iFunny changed its logo. They’d done this before—once, around Halloween, the smiley face had been a Jack-o’-Lantern for a few weeks, on several other occasions—but this time felt different.

The new masked-up logo may well anger iFunnyers like MasksMakeUsSlaves. It also seems like a distinctly—and bizarrely—belated rhetorical maneuver. The patriotic face covering would have made more sense last July when mask mandates were at their strictest and the resistance to those mandates at their most intense. Now, it seems like an empty gesture at best.

FunCorp, and other tech companies that run social media platforms with user-generated content, cannot eliminate all that is wrong with the world. But they can control what is wrong with their platforms. They can recognize the power that they have to shape an environment that, as it stands, doesn’t just tolerate radical users like Justin Olsen but actively empowers them by promoting their content and by indulging their central fantasy: To be seen and unseen at the same time.

This past year, unable to tear my eyes away from the day’s featured horrors, I used iFunny more than I had in the previous four combined. In that perverse way, during the doldrums of the pandemic, iFunny became a refuge for me once again. But seeing their logo don a mask as I start to use mine less, I get the feeling that iFunny is no longer the place for me. ▩


Professional Bounds

Confronting a bad boss

by

Dabin Han

Season Published
MP402

Jul 06, 2021


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Voyager

A dispatch from the sexual frontier

Skin

by

Sam Fisher

Season Published
MP401

Jun 22, 2021


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“I’m here” 

“ok one sec”

Two quick texts and some moments of anticipatory standing later, this guy opens the door. He’s shorter than I imagined from his photos. Clearly just as beefy under the hoodie and sweatpants. I can tell he’s not wearing underwear. 

A narrow hallway leading to a small square entry room with a bench I cannot imagine anyone sitting on for long. We made small talk about our days and he asked me if I wanted any iced tea, guiding me into the cramped kitchenette. He was quite excited about the tea. He had made it himself. Part of me did not like the idea of accepting the premixed drink. His offer seemed suspiciously eager but I did not stop him from pouring a glass. 

“Do you mind if it’s sweet?” he asked. I accepted, mistakenly assuming it was already sweetened. I watched him spoon light powder into the cold drink from a plastic container hand-labeled “Splenda.” A quick stir and it is handed to me. I take the only sip I will take. It is indeed too sweet.

There was a large duffle next to his bed. Heavy, aged, and crackled black leather. He had told me before that he was a housecleaner. Like most New Yorkers, however, he had a side hustle. I deduced this when he eagerly showed me the tools of his trade inside that bag. His other job involved high-profile men who valued discretion and had the money to pay hotel staff to take breaks early. I now know some of their familiar names, and I must say that they both are, and are not, surprising.

As we removed our clothes, I thought about why I was there. To be blunt, I was horny and curious. He was a guy who would message me on one of the apps while I was at work. He lived nearby. It was convenient enough to be easy. I could swing by on my way home from work and he seemed not to mind that I wouldn’t have time to shower. 

I was curious because he was not someone I typically interacted with in real life. He had an over-built and manicured porn body. Everything was thick, puffed, muscular, and succulent—a hyperbolic Tom of Finland stud incarnate. I was intrigued by the conquest of this hegemonic masculine physique. This exquisite, enticing, and somewhat frightening sexual object.

As an unmoored sexual voyager (and kinesthetic learner) in a world that deliberately withheld any kind of practical queer sexual education, I’ve had to learn the parameters of my sexuality through hands-on experimentation. Was this man something I was into? While no one is entitled to sex with anyone, I couldn’t resist the prospect of finding out what sex with this guy was like.

He was beastly. His body exposed now, he smelled deliberately unwashed. That vague realm of masculine filth and earthen sweetness. His formerly shaven body hair was now varying lengths of prickling growth. As I indulged with him, body to body, I was beginning to wonder if he was toying with corrupting my evident naivete. While laying on my back, I let him hold my mouth open as he extended his tongue and let a line of saliva descend into my mouth. 

Left unchecked by the heteronormative world, the queer sexual frontier truly can be about perverting anything and is ultimately limited by your corporeal physical capacity. Consider the act of fisting. How striking it is to imagine how, as a receiver, you could relax to open your ass that wide. Yet it is even more remarkable to consider what it is like to feel your sexual partner’s heartbeat around your hand, which is deep, deep inside them. 

He started to growl in my ear and tell me increasingly obscene things. One I didn’t quite catch. “Did you just say you once sucked off a dog?” I asked to clarify. 

He grinned, looking directly in my eyes. “I’m a dirty pig. I want to be filthy. I want you to shit on me.” Unambiguous as his words were, I remained unconvinced. Was this guy really such a freak or did he just get off on saying outrageous things to get a rise out of me? I inquired deeper. He told me he used to be more vanilla, but somewhere along his dark sexual journey, he had sex with someone who was into shit. It disgusted him intensely, but through some sexual magic, it also made him obsessed afterwards, as if kinks were communicable. 

Was this about to happen to me? Is this when I would discover the erotic potential of feces? I was certainly feeling disgust, but when does disgust become erotic? At least he was consistent in being utterly excessive. My desire and curiosity awaited a decision from the higher-ups in my brain.

I want to say this is where I made my exit, but I stayed. I want to say that I immediately declined the request for scat play, but I actually thought it out enough to imagine it. As someone familiar with anal sex between men, shit literally comes with the territory. A receiving bottom may douche proactively to clear yourself out. This act is more psychological insurance that allows you to relax easier into getting fucked, rather than a no-shit guarantee. If things do get messy, it is a courtesy to the bottom to be casual and nice about it, although usually it is a signal to stop and clean up. Deliberately embracing the shit was new territory for me however. I considered what it would be like to defecate on someone. Could I see myself doing anything more after that? 

I imagined in this moment what that would be like. I would maybe only do it in the bathroom perhaps, not here, not on the bed. As soon as I envisioned this scenario, I imagined the resulting smell. I wouldn’t want to touch him at that point, rather I would want to wipe everything about that shituation off of me and flee the scene as soon as possible. 

At this point, I was no longer hard, but still there in bed with this man. This encounter was still unresolved. I moved my hands between his legs and pressed my pointer finger into his shorn asshole. He moaned as I pressed inside him and at that moment he began to bear down with his abdominal muscles. I felt his pelvic muscles squeezing and pushing against my finger. I could also feel small bits of fecal matter. He was trying to push something out. I was both appalled and impressed by his gall. At this point though, I knew I didn’t want any new surprise to fall on my lap. When I removed my fingers, he asked me to put it in my mouth. I made a strange calculation: Sleight of hand. I tried to fake him out by licking my middle finger instead. 

“No, no,” he laughed, “do the dirty one.”

I eyed my corrupted finger. It was wet but didn’t have any visible detritus on it. But I knew what I had felt and I didn’t want to taste it. It was time to dispel the fantasy of open sexual borders. “Dude, no, I’m not into that.” 

He looked disappointed as I wiped my hand on his sheets and mentally changed gears to leave, making up some excuse that I was late to meet up with a friend. On my way out, I went to his bathroom to wash my hands. I looked at his toilet for a second and then left. ▩


Slipping Out

I’ll only miss my body, and it’s the one telling me to go

Star Balloon

by

John Rhoades

Season Categories Published
MP314 Fiction

Apr 06, 2021


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The Empyrea Senior Community’s public line is to weather this pandemic like a storm. Batten the hatches. Seal the doors and windows. No visitors, no public meals, orderlies are to be our only contact. I am only let free for the sake of my dog, Charley.

Today, we wander the garden. It’s that or the parking lot. While Charley pees on the petunias I wave a merry hand to my neighbors, locked away for their own safety. Most shades are drawn, who knows what life beats beyond them. When Charley stops to sniff the irises, I pull him away and pick them. They are a deep purple, almost black, and their yellow pollen looks like stars against a gloaming sky. They will be as good a memento as any. I knock on Magda’s window. The orderlies are too busy to notice our mutiny. She cracks the window, I slip her the flowers, she pats my hand, and I steal away.

An orderly left lunch by my bedside. They moved my book, knocked over my plastic cherry blossoms, and the TV remote is on the olive-green linoleum floor. The chicken is frozen and there is no fork. I push it to the floor for Charley. He doesn’t sniff it, only harrumphs with his nose held high and waltzes to his vermillion and downy bed. My fault. I forgot that he is a dignified Frenchman. I genuflect to his preeminent poodle mien in apology. Let the chicken rot, we’re not staying long.

The book the orderly moved is one I wrote. It is about neutrinos. Carl Sagan read it and bought me a drink. The Evangelicals read it and called it a piece of Atheistic idealism. I don’t know which testimonial is dearer to my heart.

I wrote the book as a young woman. The gravity of my personhood was orders of magnitude greater then. I had an office, a desk too heavy to lift, an assistant, and a Meteor Pen. Meteor fragments were fused into its body. Each time I signed my name, always in purple, the event horizon of scientific endeavor shifted, for better or worse, slightly.

When I reread the book in my Altoid-can room, the pages talk less of neutrinos and more of little old ladies. Especially little old ladies reduced to spying on neighbors for entertainment.

I see neutrinos as cosmic voyeurs. Fired out of starry crucibles, they fly uninhibited to the universe’s edge. They are so small, with such a slight mass, that they can slip through an entire planet like an Odyssean arrow, missing every single atom. Some call them ghosts. But even a ghost can rattle the pans, slam a door, and raise goosebumps on the back of your neck. Neutrinos were invited to the cosmic ball but were never asked to dance.

I feel that way. From my thread-bare chair, I run my knotty fingers over the TV remote buttons. The faults and the fears of the world centrifuge before me on the TV. It’s a maelstrom in the elderly quietude of my Salvation Army chic refuge. Charley can ignore it. He hasn’t been political since the Kyoto Protocol floundered. Yet I reel. Sometimes, I think I can hold the world. That I might cut it, mold it, shape it with my Meteor Pen. But generally, it is beyond me. I am an old crone in duckie slippers. The world turns and I watch, pulling stuffing from my chair, just to prove that I’m still real. 

My daughter’s family brought me balloons before the quarantine began. They float haphazardly from slackened strings. They are my calendar. I measure the pandemic by how close to the ground they sink. And they are my scrapbook. Willem Dyer gave me a green one when we graduated college, a blue one on our wedding day, and filled our first house with purple ones before I ever stepped through the door. I brought a bouquet of yellow ones to his wake. My daughter’s are red. They bobble above my unused desk. If I could still wield my pen legibly, I would attach little notes to these balloons and send them out the window. Send Help, SOS, A hundred bucks and a pack of smokes to whoever gets me out.

When I watch the bumbling bumping of the balloons my mind grows unmoored. It shoots beyond the Earth’s orbit, through the Kuiper Belt, and out past the Oort Cloud. The nurses think I’m feeble-minded. I am slow to respond to their questions and rarely track what they say. But I am simply preparing.

I will become a neutrino, so I must travel as they travel. Light.

Imagine the eons of their journey. They spend millennia shooting toward distant starry pinpricks, and FM radio gets spotty past the ionosphere. Memory becomes their only in-flight entertainment. They log light-years in reminiscence.

So I pick my memories out like outfits. The smell of springtime wisteria as I receive my PhD, illicit love with Leonard in a lumpy bed, my daughter’s chubby finger tracing my palms like a star chart. And I pack them away.

There’s nothing else to take. I’ve looked around my dowdy room for anything. The armchair, with its brown Ike-shaped stain, was here when I arrived. Someone (Magda) stole my jewelry box. I’d take the scarlet poppy paintings but they’re only prints, and shoddy ones at that. Charley will miss his toys, but he sees sacrifice as divine.

I’ll only miss my body, and it’s the one telling me to go.

My back says I can’t reach Charley’s canned food on the bottom shelf. My knees are a constant crackling peanut gallery. Conversations with my family are dependent on my mind’s mercurial focus. Most are punctuated with a continuous “Mom you still there?” Simply, my body is tired. Where once there was a wellspring of vitality and energy enough to leave a phallus in the admin’s attendance chart, now there’s only a fart of get-up-and-go and my stomach is too frail for more beans.

Charley’s coming too. We both itch to leave. To wander. We once wanted our own piece of the Berlin wall. To pee in every ocean. But now our gaze drifts upward. A star was just born, and I want to see it before it dies. Magda’s naked cat says Teergarden B has life and Charley wants to sniff it. I promised Charley a visit to the dog star, and Saturn winks at me every night. For now, we entertain ourselves simply; picking fossils from the pebble path; slipping the squirrels my valium; and twirling for the mirror in moth-eaten gowns.

There’s not long to go now. We are neutrinos in everything but form and that will change as well. 

Tonight, Charley and I will wait for the dinner time orderly. She will let me use her phone to call my family. I want to hear them shout, “We love you Gran!” loud enough for me to hear. Next, I will open the windows and release the balloons, they don’t do well caged. Charley will reread his will, everything to the squirrels, can’t let Magda’s cat get the toys. We will both joyfully relieve ourselves one last time. Charley on the chicken, I on the remote. With that done I will hold Charley in my arms and we will turn into neutrinos.

The process is simple. Neutrinos are only the byproducts of decay. The potassium in our bodies creates them naturally. I think of each as an escape pod from my body. Charley and I will each hijack our own little pod and flee. We will become balloons, slipping from our bodies, passing through the ceiling, and then floating into the stars.

We will observe the dimming firelight of the universe. We will see galaxies sail into each other; accretion jets form, ignite, and fade; black holes whirl space through the cosmic washing machine; and finally, see entropy waste it all away.

We will be there for it all. Until finally, when all but the last few photons burn like fireflies around us, I will pick one as a flower for Charley. He will sniff it, I will pat his paw, and we shall turn out the midnight lights and slip away. ▩


Life Rushes Back to Me

After a breakup, surveying what’s left behind

Toenails

by

Rachel Gallagher

Season Published
MP313

Mar 23, 2021


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I recently spent an afternoon trying on silky black bras in a lingerie shop. I tried eight on. The black-haired saleswoman enthusiastically maintained that I looked guapa in each one, while the narrow, shape-slimming mirror they’d crammed into the changing room couldn’t quite convince me. I ended up buying two—one lacy with 10 hooks up the back that looks more like a corset than anything, and one with the supportive padding I desperately craved to make my pale chest look lush and full. Throw in the thongs and I spent upwards of 150 euros to make myself feel sexy two weeks after a long-time-coming breakup. 

I fell in love with Spain after I studied in Seville my junior year of college, then quickly fell in love with a British boy I met on a night out in Berlin. I didn’t want a long distance relationship but he insisted. Looking back, I should have ended things two years ago when he moved to London and stopped calling, but I was 21, stubborn, alone, and moved to Spain to be closer to him. I thought maybe jumping from a nine hour time difference to only one hour would solve our problems; it was worth a try after finding that kind of love where the laughter is nonstop and it feels like part of you has gone missing when they leave the room. I thought we’d continue doing long distance for a little while, then move to the same country, but two years passed, and after so many teary goodbyes, walking back to him began to feel like pulling my shins through a rushing undercurrent, aiming for the beach in that indirect way lifeguards instruct to escape drowning in a strong riptide. I finally called to tell him I needed an end date for the distance.

After nine nights of smoking mind-numbing joints on friends’ balconies and sleeping on their couches as I awaited a message or call, anything, I remembered that no young woman should wait around for anything, period. Unless she is waiting around for her period, and if that’s the case, good luck! 

En fin: Queue Halloween breakup. My friends and I were out grabbing drinks when I finally ended things, and as the previously-aloof waiter neared our table with the next round of red wine, I melted into a shaking teary mess. He hurried to set our drinks down. I tried to excuse my appearance, explaining the situation, and his eyes turned down at the corners with the universal empathy strangers offer breakups and the wisdom nobody wants to hear: “there are so many more fish in the sea.” At that moment I wondered what my fish would end up doing with the second-hand tweed trench coat I bought during our trip to York and left in his dingy, windowless fishbowl of a room.

Three days passed and that slimy fish told me he was flying to Greece because the weather in London was making him sad, to meet the petit French girl he’d been spending all his time with during those nine days of no response. She’d apparently flown there the week prior, and I guess her Airbnb had enough room for two. And two weeks later and there I was, unraveling in the wake of that, spending my afternoon committing the crime known as retail therapy, with little money but enough time to have stitched together each of those frivolous undergarments myself.

When I moved to Seville four years ago my only responsibility was passing my college courses. I remember packing my favorite pair of heeled clogs, old coats that smelled like the log cabin I grew up in, small, meaningful baubles, and oversized gold hoops a neighbor gave me before the trip. A few weeks after my arrival, my ancient host “mom” pointedly told me she only drinks on her birthday after I started coming home past seven in the morning on the weekends. I went salsa and bachata dancing with friends, nursed warm kebabs in the early morning light after the clubs closed. I bought myself skirts and gaudy earrings at Sunday markets, if I woke up in time, and if I happened to lose an earring while out dancing I’d happily hold onto the one that stayed fixed in my ear as a memento and wish its other half well. 

The more I traveled around, the more bits and pieces I lost. I’m sure I left a scarf or two crammed in between cheap, blue Ryanair seats, small fragments likely still wander through winding snickelways in York, and I consider the DNA evidence, like skin cells or my red hair, that’s attached to so much of my stuff out there, lost. Lost like the tiny crescent moons that fell hidden into the gapping floorboards where my childhood bed used to sit in my parent’s house: toenail clippings.

I hadn’t realized I lost so much of the 20-year-old me, but recently I’ve caught myself searching for my missing bits and pieces. Back then I considered those scatterings to be a sort of thoughtless generosity toward the world. Now, looking back at the past three years I feel cheated; it should have been me going to Greece, me living the life in front of me instead of waiting around for phone calls. I hadn’t just lost memorabilia or jewelry, rather parts of that courageous and unapologetic undergraduate student who boarded her flight to Seville four years ago alone, bright, and full, like the sun rising on a bluebird day. Or bright and full like the last shining, hard-boiled egg waiting in stained tupperware at the back of the fridge. 

After I spent the weekend buying lingerie, I boiled 18 eggs, none of which could be lonely in such a crowded pot, as deviled egg prep for this year’s far-from-home Friendsgiving. Sarah hosted at her apartment. Originally, I told my friends I wanted to host at my place, where there’s a nice view out to a garden that surrounds a single massive phallic palm tree. I tried the phallic palm tree argument, but the balcony doors at her place swing open extra wide for the smokers, plus we all love the garish red and yellow wall paint (¡Viva la Espana!), and Sarah is rigidly stubborn, so I caved. I spent five hours roasting a lavish chicken, my first avian in the oven, to be met at her door by two of the same last-minute deadbeat invites I left the United States to escape.

Here they were. The downer American dudes. Averted eyes, unkempt sweatshirts with their college football team in bright orange or yellow, mom forgot to pay my rent this month, I’ll talk over you until you’re forced to agree with me, you can’t make me care American men. 

While one American downer dude showed up, lanky in sweatpants although well prepared with a bottle of rum—I’ll call him The Wandering Eye—the notably tinier of the two walked in and tossed ‘la ensalada de remolacha de ayer‘ (yesterday’s deadbeet salad) onto the table. There it sat, also looking as small and uninviting as its owner, amongst an otherwise divine array of dishes my friends and I spent the week divvying up, planning, and preparing. 

Luckily, that night we enjoyed ourselves by drinking and targeting the little American with some of the cruelest jokes only drunken, jaunty young women can whip up. After a long and tiring rant about the prospects of communism, I hotly inquired on why, exactly, he’d chosen Spain over Russia. Four bottles of cider and seven bottles of slow mulled wine later, he voiced his impatience with the mulling process with a repeated, “Come on guys, isn’t it done yet?” egging us yipping she-wolves on. 

The only thing the boys seemed to be able to do was to gobble up most of my 18 hard boiled eggs. Which I had meticulously peeled, halved, balanced, and restuffed, so really 36 deviled eggs in total.We served dinner and sat around the living room table, pants unbuttoned in a show of traditional American gluttony. Our Spanish friend, Majo, nicknamed the smaller man “little hobbit” (leetle hoebeet) which, he may have pretended not to hear out of embarrassment, The Wandering Eye, my preferred rum-wielding bachelor, alternated between pouring everyone shots of spiced rum and eyeing my cleavage (yes, I boldly wore the black, post-breakup push-up bra, and yes, I was flattered.)

Amid this sloppiness, the exigencies of the pandemic demanded that we finish the bottle of rum and the previously sidelined bottle of tequila before the boys had to leave to make it home before a newly instated Covid-19 curfew. Oblivious to the not-so-subtle hints we’d been dropping, the Cinderellos finally scrammed as the bell tower nearby dolled out twelve heavy tolls. 

Spanish curfew runs from midnight to six in the morning, which is obviously not enough time to polish off 13 bottles, so the girls slept over and kept drinking. We giggled, we lounged, the girls’ new Swedish roommate Michelle even pulled out her hairbrush to tame snarls in her lusciously long locks. I recently discovered that she braids her hair every night before going to sleep, which is something I thought women only did in fairytales. As Michelle gracefully stroked her hair, parted over either shoulder, Sarah leaned forward with a joint hanging off her lip and snorted, (“yesterday’s beet salad?!”) Michelle and Sarah sat side by side, but they could’ve been from different planets; that scene from the 1967 claymation Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer came to mind, the Island of Misfit Toys.

I turned up the speaker as Majo thumbed through her reggaeton playlist. Sarah spilled nugs of weed out onto one of her many books dedicated to spliff rolling—an American history book (in Spanish) with that classic painting of the elderly farmer couple gripping a spade and pitchfork in front of a barn—and her eyes fixated on her fingers, while Michelle continued to preen. After a puff or two, like every other time we mix and match weed and alcohol, I suddenly wake up the next morning on Sarah’s couch. I feel my heartbeat leap into my temples, drumming away as life rushes back to me. 

I’m far away from my loving family as the holiday season kicks off. Last night confirmed that American men will never be an option even though I’m stingingly single, and after leaving so much of myself scattered all over the world I’m not sure who’s left lying here on Sarah’s couch. Not to mention I have 1,000 euros to my name. Well, less now, after the new underwear.

The bassline in my temples intensifies and as I reach for a teacup filled with water. I struggle to catch my breath, which comes in slow and shallow and my mind wanders to oxygen tanks and ventilators. Sarah and I keep the lights off and sit with our eyes shut on her couch for the afternoon. The sunny, warm Spanish day passes us by while we sit inside and wallow in our hangovers surrounded by those dark red and yellow walls. Too anxious to sleep, I stare at the bright colors on my phone screen until my head can’t take it anymore and then close my eyes to play memories over and over in my head until that gets to be too much and I pull the handheld dopamine machine out, again. 

The profile of my ex-boyfriend’s face appears in the memory, always half-turned away, his words spin around in my head like a repetitive, warbled, poorly written and produced record, and I sit and feel bad for myself for an entire day.

The world’s tiniest violin sounds much pitchier hungover. 

And what’s a young woman to do when the world’s got her down? When her own bad habits turn one night of fun into an extra day of self-inflicted misery? She leaves the house in yesterday’s outfit for pizza and pitchers! There’s no good-morning text to reply to—nor the more likely scenario: complaining about the lack thereof—and I’m that much more present when Majo jolts us all out of our stupors by jabbing her icy claws up the backs of our shirts and everyone is finally ready to start another day together, albeit a little late. I slide my feet into the same black leather boots I’ve managed to hold onto for three years and loop my favorite of the masks Kat’s mom made and mailed us over my ears before practically running down the stairs. Side-by-side, we’re good as new.

Sundays are for hand-rolled cigarettes, personal pizzas, burrata balls, and Tinder! Stepping out into the dying daylight, my arms link with those of my friends. While we laugh about last night, a young woman’s voice pipes up from somewhere between my head and my heart. My 20-year-old self, she sounds familiar, and free, and she characteristically mutters something I don’t quite catch. I turn my head as we walk, new strength in my steps, to look at the faces of friends. Under the masks, I know, are smiles stained with flecks of last night’s lipstick and wine. The street outside their apartment with the tall, heavy wooden door is busy in the twilight, families and couples wander past, while we walk out into a fresh, if chilly evening.

One picnic bench outside the pizza place empties and we sit down around a pitcher of beer. I pour it, frothing, into everyone’s little cañas, generous and surrounded by friends who do the same for me. The girls laugh as a couple of indecisive pigeons fly up suddenly from under a bench nearby. Someone knocks over a glass of beer that spills eagerly over the edge of our table and we lament the loss, I jokingly giggle “bye bye.” 

Those little pieces of me and all my crap floating around the world, maybe they’re lost parts, but probably they’re unexpected whispering gifts. Looking around at my friends makes me realize that losing things was really just outgrowing things that I probably shouldn’t have squeezed into in the first place, but I can’t blame my 20 year old, curious self. I’ll leave those bits and pieces in easy to find places for the next woman. Those Ryanair seats might be comfier when passengers unknowingly encounter a little piece of me as extra butt-padding. York’s snickelways echo a little louder with my bits of love and laughter bouncing around on treacherously uneven cobblestone, and my mom probably even collected my sliver toenails from the floor of my childhood room, to cherish them when I’m so far away. ▩


What Nabokov Can Teach Us About Britney Spears

Lolita’s deranged protagonist fell in love with a fiction. Did we?

by

Grace O'Neill

Season Published
MP312

Mar 09, 2021


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There are many disturbing moments in Framing Britney Spears, the New York Times documentary unpacking the complicated and morally dubious conservatorship the singer has been placed under for the last 12 years, but not all of them have to do with her current legal situation.

In 2008, following Spears’ well-documented public breakdown in the late ‘00s, her father Jamie Spears was appointed her conservator, assuming full responsibility for her decision-making and finances. Conservatorships tend to be temporary legal fixes, or applied in cases where the conservatee is very old or severely or mentally incapacitated. And yet, Spears has remained legally controlled by her father for more than a decade. 

Framing Britney Spears does a good job of simplifying a fairly complicated legal situation and shining a light on the grassroots, community-led movement to #FreeBritney. (Spears’ most recent request to have her father removed as conservator of her estate was rejected by a Los Angeles court judge in November.) But above all, the documentary serves as a damning cultural document that concisely presents the many sins committed against Spears by the tabloid media. Some of those details have long been crystallized in popular culture—a crying Spears tormented by packs of paparazzi, or attacking a car with an umbrella—but many have been conveniently forgotten. 



Those who grew up idolizing Spears will be particularly troubled by footage of journalists asking a teenage Britney whether or not she is a virgin, and of a middle-aged male chat show host openly gawping at and commenting on “the elephant in the room”—her breasts. Spears’ first Rolling Stone cover, shot in 1998 when she was still 16, is similarly unsettling. It shows Spears sprawled across a pink satin sheet wearing polka dot knickers and a pushup bra, cradling a Teletubby doll in the nook of her right arm. In other pictures from the spread, she wears underwear and a shrunken cardigan to pose in her childhood bedroom, surrounded by porcelain dolls and stuffed animals. In the accompanying profile, the writer Steven Daly refers to Spears as “bubblegum jailbait” and practically drools over her “honeyed thighs” and “ample chest.” 

Framing Britney Spears dubs these images “Lolita-esque”, referencing the titular character in Vladamir Nabokov’s incendiary masterwork. First published in the United States in 1958, Lolita depicts a sexually abusive relationship between Humbert Humbert, a pedophile who “falls in love” with his prepubescent stepdaughter, Dolores Haze, then abuses her for years following the death of her mother. Humbert speaks of girls between the ages of 9 and 14 who enthusiastically engage in sexual relationships with much older men—calling them ”nymphets.” In his re-telling, Dolores is not a 12-year-old child but a nymphet named Lolita. The book has been oddly reframed in certain cultural retellings as a love story, but it is really an insight into the mind of a depraved sexual lunatic, and an exploration of the extraordinary lengths he will go to to justify his unforgivable deeds. 

As luck would have it, I was midway through re-reading Lolita when I watched Framing Britney Spears, inspired after binging Jamie Loftus’ brilliant podcast series, Lolita Podcast, which published its final episode in January. Having found myself again immersed in the disturbing mind of Humbert Humbert, it was difficult not to read Framing Britney Spears as a kind of Nabokovian tragedy, replete with nymphets, teen pregnancies, and wicked father figures. Lolita comparisons have dogged Spears through much of her career, and the temptation to draw parallels is reasonable enough. Those looking to condense Framing Britney Spears into a single sentence could feasibly suggest that Spears was, like Dolores Haze, an over-sexualized teenager, carelessly discarded when she aged out of girlhood. In this retelling, Britney is Dolores and we—the public who voraciously consumed her—are a pack of Humberts. But any kind of argument that endeavours to condemn society in general as being generally bad is largely uninteresting to a writer. The truth is always more complicated. 

To reframe Britney Spears as Lolita is to rob her of any personal agency—or, as Tavi Gevinson put it in New York Magazine, to argue she was “never in control.” Lolita is, after all, literally imprisoned by Humbert, her legal guardian. In possibly the most heartrending passage of the whole book, Nabokov writes: “At the hotel we had separate rooms, but in the middle of the night she came sobbing into mine, and we made it up very gently. You see, she had absolutely nowhere else to go.” 

Is this really an apt comparison for the early stages of Britney Spears’ career? There’s certainly no question that her initial success rested largely on the discomfiting but compelling blend of God-fearing girlishness and brazen sexiness that her early songs and music videos perfected, a blending that was nymphet-esque in nature. But to believe that Spears’ entire career was manufactured by despicable quasi-pedophilic record execs, either without her input or against her will, feels slightly puritanical—particularly since it wilfully ignores Britney’s own account of events (something sorely missing from almost all of these conversations).

Take, for instance, the music video for “…Baby One More Time.” The midriff-baring sexy schoolgirl look may seem like it crawled out of one of Humbert Humbert’s sexual fantasies, but Spears devised the concept herself. “I wrote an idea which sucked,” director Nigel Dick wrote in a Q&A on his website, “so the label put me back on the phone with Britney who told me she wanted to make a video where she was stuck in a classroom thinking about boys and we took it from there.” (Spears has also confirmed the video concept was hers multiple times.) Similarly, Dick had asked the stylist to dress Spears in “jeans, sneakers, and a T-shirt,” but Britney insisted she should wear a skimpy school uniform that tied at the waist. 



Nigel Dick was, at this point, one of the most revered music video directors in the business. His list of credits included Cher’s “Believe”, Oasis’ “Wonderwall,” and Guns N’ Roses’ “Sweet Child O’ Mine.” That Spears—a teenager working on her first music video for a debut single that she hadn’t even released yet—had the wherewithal to tell a man 28 years her senior that she hated his concept and insist they film hers, speaks to a strength of character and creative vision that she is rarely credited as having. She was five weeks shy of her 17th birthday at the time, still a schoolgirl. Should the adults in the room have stopped her, knowing the video was playing into the troubling fetishization of schoolgirls, something that Britney likely didn’t fully understand? Almost certainly. But this story pokes a hole in the argument that Spears had no say in the creation and execution of her oversexualized image. 

Questions of accountability, autonomy, and responsibility present themselves in a more obvious way when it comes to the infamous Rolling Stone shoot. LaChapelle, the photographer, insists he and Spears collaborated on the concept—“we knew what we were doing when we did those photos,” he says. Spears remembered differently in a 2003 interview with British GQ. “I didn’t really know what the hell I was doing,” she said. “In my naive mind I was like, ‘Here are my dolls!’ and now I look back and I’m like, ‘Oh my gosh, what the hell?’” 

Spears was one of the first pop stars to dabble in the Lolita aesthetic, but she certainly wasn’t the last. Lana Del Rey has long made overt allusions to Lolita in both her songwriting and her visuals—“Carmen” from her first album, recreates the song Dolores sings to Humbert the first time he abuses her. Katy Perry coos about “studying Lolita religiously” in “One of the Boys” and dresses like Lolita (the one immortalized by Sue Lyon in Stanley Kubrick’s 1962 film adaptation) on the album’s cover art. Last year’s music video for the BLACKPINK and Selena Gomez track “Ice Cream” is chock full of Lolita innuendo—heart-shaped glasses, skimpy schoolgirl outfits, and cherry motifs. 

Britney Spears sang about being “not a girl, not yet a woman,” and most female pop stars have occupied the chasm between childhood and womanhood. It’s no coincidence that most of the world’s most influential entertainers were introduced to us when they were children—Miley Cyrus, Zendaya, Selena Gomez, Ariana Grande, and Demi Lovato all began their careers as child stars, while Rihanna, Taylor Swift, Billie Eilish, Lorde, and Beyoncé all released their first albums when they were 17 or younger. 

The natural conclusion here might be to deduce that our entertainment industry is run by a cabal of malevolent, horny record execs—there’s certainly no question that we live in a culture where youth is fetishized—but I’d argue there are less nefarious factors at play too. Teenage girls are an extraordinarily powerful consumer base. “In almost all cases, the success of a pop artist can be traced back to… the teenage girls that rallied behind them from the beginning, transforming them into megastars,” writer Douglas Greenwood declared in NME in 2018.

That same year, Dr. Francesca Coppa released The Fanfiction Reader, where she argued that the endorsement of teenage girls was essential to the success of our culture’s most revered musicians, including David Bowie, Alice Cooper, and Michael Jackson—as well as the usual suspects like the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. Nowadays we have Lil Nas X, BTS, and Harry Styles. 

Britney Spears understood the exact audience she needed to woo to become the star she aspired to be. When she decided to sex up her Catholic school girl uniform in the “…Baby One More Time” video, she wasn’t doing it to appease ogling middle-aged men. She did it because, after months spent performing early versions of the single in malls around America, she understood what teenage girls wanted. Pop stars don’t generate cultural changes—they perceive them, they capitalize on them, and, if they’re lucky, they come to represent them. Spears was coming of age alongside the rise of so-called “raunch” culture—what Ariel Levy called the generation of “female chauvinist pigs”—exemplified by Girls Gone Wild, which had debuted a year before she released her first single. This is the reason I am so reticent to strip Spears of autonomy in the creation of her own sexual image—her success hinged on it, and it is Britney who deserves the credit. 

Does this mean middle-aged men didn’t ogle anyway? Or that Spears’ hyper-sexual persona wasn’t—dare I say it—problematic? Of course not. Spears’ sexual experimentation in the public eye actually serves as a pretty good microcosm for the complexities, inconsistencies, and contradictions that make up the sexual development of teenage girls in general—particularly those who were growing up during the first wave of the proliferation of free internet porn. Most women of the generation who grew up listening to Spears will tell you the period they felt most sexualized by society was when they were young teenagers. Wolf whistling, uncomfortable staring, and casual groping were all dominant features of my own early adolescence, most often when I was in school uniform.

By the time I was in the eighth grade, run-ins with creepy older men had become relatively normalized. So much so that when two classmates regaled a story of having an elderly man aggressively masturbate to them on the bus, we all giggled and shrieked like the girls in Anaïs Nin’s Little Birds who mock the sad old pedophile trying to lure them into his lair with exotic feathered creatures. These run-ins felt disturbing, but also quietly thrilling, as if I’d found myself suddenly radioactive with a new kind of superpower—albeit one that frightened me, because I didn’t really understand how it worked. Of course, years later, I began to notice the vulnerability of uniformed teenage girls on buses, and at some point was hit with the stomach-dropping realization that I never held an iota of the power I thought I did.

When these instances become recurring parts of your adolescence, you internalize the idea that you are a sexual object to the point where you’re not sure where the fetishized view of your sexuality ends and the “real” one begins. This is the inescapable conundrum those attempting to understand Britney Spears’ cultural legacy are destined to knock heads with—how much agency does a teenage girl ever really have? How much control of her own sexuality can she exert when her presentation of that sexuality is so informed by the male gaze? How does she even know which decisions she is making off her own accord, and which are being foisted upon her, if not by individual people, then by a culture that places youth, sex, virginity, and whiteness on such a lofty pedestal? 

There are, of course, no simple answers to these questions. Do I wear makeup because I like makeup or because Revlon has been conditioning me to think I do since birth? Do I shave my underarms because I prefer them shaved, or because we live in a society with beauty standards that encourage women to resemble their prepubescent selves? Do I want to marry my partner, or have I been brainwashed into embracing an outdated institution with sexist roots? Questions tackling the often imperceptible lines between empowerment and exploitation, particularly in regards to young women, aren’t going away any time soon. The important thing is that we’re finally starting to address them. 

So, what can Nabokov teach us about Britney Spears? Much of Lolita’s brilliance and notoriety stem from the fact that Dolores Haze remains so unknowable to us throughout it. We are only given slight grabs at who she really is, and even these are never truly independent from the predatory gaze of Humbert. At the core of Reframing Britney Spears lies a similar conundrum. As it currently stands, Britney is unknowable to us because she either can’t or won’t speak for herself. (A documentary in which she will appear and address the conservatorship is reportedly in the works.) And so the paparazzi who made her life a living hell, a random smattering of New York Times staffers, and the hosts of a Britney Spears fan podcast are tasked with filling that same vast expanse, ultimately leaving the viewer with as abstract a picture of who Britney Jane Spears is as those who read Lolita are given of Dolores Haze.

This is perhaps the truest sense in which we can see Britney Spears as Lolita—those who have fallen in love with her fell in love with a fiction. “I knew I had fallen in love with Lolita forever; but I also knew she would not be forever Lolita.” Among the rallying cries to #FreeBritney I sometimes wonder if the media hasn’t simply turned Spears, once again, into a plaything for our culture to consume, like Humbert tracking Lolita down all those years later, trying to shove money into her hands to atone for his sins. If this is the case, perhaps the best thing we can do is—in the immortal words of Chris Crocker—simply leave Britney alone. At least until she is willing and able to speak for herself. ▩


How to Stop the Pandemic Profiteers

The pharmaceutical industry has come to prioritize intellectual property over human life. It’s time for a new regime

Big Pharma profits during pandemic

by

Nidhi Achanta

Season Published
MP311

Feb 23, 2021


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HIV/AIDS emerged as a major public health crisis in the 1980s. By the end of the decade, pharmaceutical manufacturers, in collaboration with academic researchers, had developed a series of new treatments to combat the virus. The treatments were effective. 

They were also expensive. Many countries in sub-Saharan Africa, where HIV spread widely, strained their national budget to pay for the drugs. “If there was a better developed generic market for these products, it could have saved many peoples’ lives,” the medical historian Joseph M. Gabriel told me. Major pharmaceutical companies and their enablers labelled efforts to produce cheaper generic versions of HIV/AIDS drugs as “piracy,” and sued to protect their “intellectual property”—and deprive millions of people of cheap access to the medicine. 

In December 2020, Pfizer, a multinational pharmaceutical company, and BioNTech, a biotech company based in Germany, obtained an emergency-use authorization for their Covid-19 vaccine from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. As of December, 96% of Pfizer’s supply was purchased by rich countries representing less than 15% of the world population. At the same point, Moderna, another vaccine producer, had sent 100% of its supply to rich countries. AstraZeneca and Oxford University allocated 64% of their vaccine supply to developing nations, enough to vaccinate only 18% of the world population in the next year. 

Many vaccine producers have made a show of their generosity—with immense benefits to their public reputations—but there is much reason for skepticism. Moderna announced it would no longer enforce patents on its Covid-19 vaccine. And yet, the humanitarian organization Doctors Without Border warns that, despite this pledge, the company could still protect “know-how, technology, and other components of vaccine development and manufacturing… under IP rules.” And the company has announced its plans to profit from its vaccine. AstraZeneca, for its part, has promised in multiple agreements that it would not profit off of its vaccine during the pandemic. Yet, its deal with Oxford University still allows it to take a 20% profit margin and grants it the ability to “end” the pandemic as it wishes simply by judging the pandemic to have concluded, thereby terminating those legal agreements. This could happen as early as July of this year.

Corporate interests have perpetually hindered efforts to achieve universal, quality healthcare in both developed and developing countries. Patent protections are one of the biggest stumbling blocks in the quest for healthcare equity. During the Covid-19 pandemic, as during the HIV/AIDS crisis, pharmaceutical companies are poised to prioritize profits over people by invoking intellectual property rights—despite their PR-minded assurances to the contrary. Millions more will die if we continue to treat intellectual property rights as more important than universal access to a publicly-funded vaccine. Instead of coddling the pharmaceutical industry and allowing drug companies to make obscene profits from publicly-funded research, governments should suspend intellectual property rights and demand that Covid-19 vaccines be made free and universal.


In the mid-19th century, prior to the American Civil War, physicians and reputable manufacturers considered patenting medical products to be unethical. Medical knowledge, once discovered, was deemed property of the public rather than the manufacturer, and according to Gabriel, the medical community saw monopolizing life-saving drugs for self-serving purposes as a form of quackery. In promoting high drug prices and encouraging competition among researchers, patents were seen as undermining the basic commitments of science, wrote Gabriel:

“[Orthodox physicians] described medical science as a benevolent process based on personal sacrifice, proper character and conduct, and the sharing of information among peers. Commercialism was thus juxtaposed to the supposedly gentlemanly character of the physician, and the open circulation of knowledge about healing goods within the medical community was central… to the conduct of medical science.”

This widespread “anti-patent” sentiment, which understood medicine as transcending commercial interests, was integrated into many prohibitions of patented products or items made with secret ingredients. In 1847, the newly founded American Medical Association’s (AMA) Code of Ethics stated, it is “derogatory to professional character for a physician to hold a patent for any surgical instrument, or medicine… whether it be the composition or exclusive property of himself, or of others.”

As a result of pressure from physicians, U.S. drug manufacturers generally adhered to the orthodox ethical standards of their day: they did not use patents, secret ingredients, or public advertisements, and they avoided the commercial promotion of products before the medical community approved them.

But as medicine became more chemically complex toward the end of the 19th century, the prevailing thinking around patents began to change. Chemical manufacturers, unconcerned with orthodox medical ethics, began releasing patented medical products while advertising them to the public. Foreign manufacturers likewise introduced medical products—which were often effective—with little concern for the distinction between science and commerce, wrote Gabriel. And U.S. manufacturers struggled to protect the increasingly significant investments they put into researching and developing new drugs. Some reformers in the medical community argued that patents actually resulted in better manufacturing standards. In 1912, the AMA ended their prohibition of physicians holding patents.

In today’s world, patents prevail. By controlling their “intellectual property,” pharmaceutical companies maintain exclusive rights to their drugs for at least twenty years. This means generic drug manufacturers cannot produce the medicines at lower prices without risking lawsuits or penalties in court. Moreover, in countries like the U.S., governments do not leverage their power to bargain with pharmaceutical companies to control prices. And even after patent protections lapse, pharmaceutical companies engage in “patent evergreening,” a process by which they file patents for additional, small changes to their drugs to lengthen monopolies and prevent the production of generic versions. 

Patent protections are highly correlated with astronomically high drug prices. Researchers at MIT and Boston University found that for some cancer-treating drugs, prices dropped around 38-48% after patent protections expired. The deleterious effects of these high drug prices are well-documented. As of 2016, Americans with type 1 diabetes spent an average of $5,705 annually on insulin. Many working-class people must ration the drug, which can lead to diabetic ketoacidosis and other fatal complications. 2.2 million heart disease patients in the U.S. ration their medication annually, according to one study from Yale. The researchers found that this practice was especially common among women, those without health insurance, younger adults, and those that earn lower incomes.

The regime of astronomical drug prices has impacted developing countries in an especially dangerous way. Doctors Without Borders often cannot provide for its patients simply because drugs are too expensive or are no longer produced, both of which are a direct consequence of patent protections.

Patent protections are not just a problem in themselves, of course, but are also the product of a perverse effort to reconcile medicine to the profit motive. In the shadow of colonialism, developing regions without access to basic sanitation struggle with neglected tropical diseases like Hansen’s disease (leprosy), dengue fever, and cysticercosis. The Drugs for Neglected Diseases initiative (DNDi) does heroic work treating NTDs, but can only do so much in the absence of meaningful industry support. “A large number of big pharma companies have abandoned the field of infectious disease,” DNDi executive director Bernard Pécoul told a reporter. “Companies concentrate on the market that is attractive in terms of profit.” 

Even in the United States, easily curable diseases plague communities that can’t afford to pay high drug prices. Residents of Lowndes County, Alabama, where 72 percent of people are Black and more than a third live below the poverty line, struggle with hookworm. In one study, one in three residents tested positive for traces of the intestinal parasite.

The treatment, two tablets of albendazole, can kill hookworm in a matter of days, and, notably, the patent for albendazole has expired. The drug costs four cents in Tanzania. Yet in the U.S., it costs $400. Since the parasitic disease is concentrated in low-income areas of the United States, drug companies see little profit potential in the drug and have ceded the market to Impax Laboratories, which, as the only manufacturer of albendazole, can charge whatever price it wants.


Researching vaccines is a pricey endeavor, but billions of dollars in funding from governments, nonprofit organizations, and the private sector allowed manufacturers to start making Covid-19 vaccines even before they knew of their efficacy—which, given the financial risks, would never happen with other drugs.

As researchers and manufacturers produced the Covid-19 vaccines in record time, developing countries have proactively tried to prevent the inequities that have defined global pharmaceutical production in the past. India and South Africa have petitioned the World Trade Organization to waive patent protections—thus allowing manufacturers to produce affordable, generic versions of the vaccines. “An effective response to the Covid-19 pandemic requires rapid access to affordable medical products,” says their proposal, known as the TRIPS Waiver. Of the WTO’s 164 members, one hundred support the proposal. Doctors Without Borders has defended the proposal as well and has called on governments and the pharmaceutical industry to “put lives over profits.” Yet the WTO, which has its “decisions taken by consensus among all member governments,” has declined to act on the petition. Unsurprisingly, high-income stakeholders such as the US, Japan, the UK, the EU, and Canada—whose governments have purchased nearly all of Pfizer and Moderna’s supply—have refused India and South Africa’s proposal. 

The TRIPS waiver model has been proven to work. In May 2020, Gilead Sciences, a California-based pharmaceutical company, signed licensing agreements with five generic manufacturers in India and Pakistan to produce remdesivir, a drug used in treating Covid-19. The licensing agreements allowed these companies—Cipla, Hetero Labs, Jubilant Lifescience, Mylan, and Ferozsons—to reproduce generic versions of the drug in 127 countries. Not only has this resulted in steady supplies of remdesivir in many developing countries, but these supplies have come at a cheaper price, too. Before we shower Gilead in praise, remember that the company’s greed still leaves nearly half of the world’s population to pay remdesivir’s monopolized price.

In response to the TRIPS Waiver proposal, Thomas Cueni, director general of the International Federation of Pharmaceutical Manufacturers and Associations (IFPMA), wrote that it is “unclear” how suspending intellectual property rights will achieve a fair distribution of the vaccine. What certainly is clear, however, is that protecting intellectual property rights only safeguards pharmaceutical companies’ profits. What should we seek to prioritize: saving vulnerable lives or satisfying pharmaceutical companies’ greed amidst a pandemic?

And in any case, Cueni’s statement doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. Two decades ago, certain countries ultimately waived intellectual property rights for HIV/AIDS drugs, saving millions of lives, according to Doctors Without Borders. Suspending all intellectual property rights would end monopolization on Covid-19-related medical products, and “overriding monopolies on Covid-19 medical tools will allow global collaboration to scale-up manufacturing, supply, and access for everyone,” said Dr. Khosi Mavuso, Doctors Without Borders’ South Africa representative. “Governments cannot afford to waste any more time waiting for voluntary moves by the pharmaceutical industry.” (Via the Covid-19 Technology Access Pool founded by the World Health Organization, companies can donate their knowledge, patents, and technology. However, no pharmaceutical company has chosen to do so willingly.) 

When developed countries turned down India and South Africa’s proposal, they expected developing countries to resort to compulsory licenses—by which a government requires a manufacturer to license the rights to produce a drug in question to other companies. While this method does make it easier to produce generic vaccines, there are flaws to the approach, Gabriel told me. Many countries don’t have laws regarding compulsory licenses, and the specifics vary significantly depending on the national government, specific policies, and manufacturers involved. 

Another avenue to more equitably supply the vaccine is Covax, a program developed by the WHO, Unicef, the World Bank, and the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation that works to secure and equitably distribute 2 billion doses and support on which sixty-seven countries rely. Yet Covax only has enough doses to vaccinate 10% of those sixty-seven countries’ populations, according to Oxfam International. Without resources in the Technology Access Pool and Covax, and given the convoluted nature of compulsory licenses, suspending intellectual property at the level of the WTO is crucial.

And then there is the fact that many of the Covid-19 vaccines are publicly funded—rendering any pharmaceutical industry claim to vaccine-related intellectual property rights that much less compelling. We’re paying for the vaccines, and curiously enough, we’re paying to buy them back. According to the New York Times, Moderna received $2.5 billion from the government for research purposes and preorders, where 100% of research costs were covered. Moderna also received support from the National Institutes of Health (NIH), a government-funded organization, and multiple vaccines’ central technology was developed by the NIH’s scientists. The United States and the EU have given AstraZeneca more than $2 billion, Pfizer has received $6 billion from American and European purchases, and BioNTech has received $455 million in grants from the German federal government. USA Today reported that total government funding for the vaccine has surpassed $9 billion. If massive amounts of taxpayer money fund vaccine development, shouldn’t all intellectual property rights be publicly owned?

“Now that we have tools to end the pandemic, what if they aren’t distributed fairly?” asked Cueni. “My colleagues in the pharmaceutical industry share this worry.” It is hard to take this statement seriously. The pharmaceutical industry can enable generic manufacturers to efficiently vaccinate people in rich and poor countries alike—if it so chooses. Wealthy governments can specify, in their billion-dollar deals, the suspension of intellectual property rights—if they so choose. Yet they have not thus far. Forced to choose between profits and preventing millions of deaths, Big Pharma and the governments of the developed world have made their values clear. ▩


My Descent into the World’s Strangest Radio Mystery

Numbers stations have confounded radio enthusiasts for decades. Are the broadcasts gibberish, or something more?

by

Nick Gallagher

Season Published
MP310

Feb 09, 2021


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The shortwave radio arrived in a small cardboard box on the steps leading to my apartment. I was expecting some hulking thing—a bulky, outdated apparatus. But I picked it up with surprising ease, and inside my room, I opened the package to find a grey contraption the size of a large matchbox. The Radiwow R-108 looked like a kid’s toy with tiny, numbered buttons, an internal speaker, and dials on the side for tuning. A telescopic antenna laid across the top, and an additional wired antenna sat coiled inside its packaging. 

My mission: use my Radiwow to pick up the signals that exist between most AM and FM broadcasts—those of the lesser-known shortwave spectrum. I looked down at this plastic $50 pocket radio and found it unimpressive compared to the vast walls of blinking dials and radar screens that agents use in the movies to track down spies and crack codes. It would have to do.

Among the rogue pirate broadcasts, weather transmissions, and air traffic signals that fill the shortwave radio band, there are stations of unknown origin that have confounded amateur radio enthusiasts for decades. Known by those in the community as numbers stations, these broadcasts stick to a familiar pattern, beginning with an identifiable signature—a string of notes from a song, a repeated word or a set of numerals. That’s followed by eerie, computerized voices that read off nonsensical streams of numbers for several minutes before descending again into the static. 

To an average listener, these broadcasts might sound like gibberish, but radio hobbyists believe they are codes intended for intelligence agents in the field. As far as experts can tell, the CIA, Russia’s Foreign Intelligence Service, Cuba’s Dirección de Inteligencia, and other agencies are among those responsible for the broadcasts, although they rarely admit their involvement. Anyone with a shortwave radio can hear a numbers station transmission by tuning to the frequency from which it broadcasts. But only a person with a special, single-use cipher can decode the numbers and read the message that’s been transmitted.

It’s easy to relegate numbers station theories to the realm of pseudo-scholarship. After all, ours is a time of cyberwarfare, fake news, and Russian bots, which have all been subjects of real and imagined conspiracies in recent years. One theory holds that new 5G networks are to blame for the rapid spread of the coronavirus. That suspicion became so pervasive that the World Health Organization included an entry on its website that clarified that “viruses cannot travel on radio waves/mobile networks,” and the U.S. Department of Homeland Security warned of possible attacks against telecommunication workers. During the month of April alone, around 50 radio towers across Europe were set ablaze by conspiracists.

When I began my research into numbers stations, I found it absurd that governments are sending out signals for spies to receive in the U.S. or Russia or China–just as unlikely as the paranoid ramblings of coronavirus conspiracists. I’d been fascinated by the mechanical and melodic tonal quality of numbers station recordings, but I had always observed them from a safe distance, through YouTube videos or online databases. The pandemic offered an opportunity to put my skepticism to the test. So, I obtained a shortwave radio and began scouring the airwaves. In order to prove that numbers stations were real, I’d have to locate one—and decode it.


My partner Ryan and I had relocated from New York, where we both were attending school, to his grandmother’s home on the North Carolina coast to isolate ourselves during the pandemic. (Ryan’s grandmother had temporarily moved in with his family.) In the confined interior of my Brooklyn apartment, where even a neighbor’s power adapter or Wi-Fi router could cause interference, I had battled a cacophony of buzzes and sheets of white noise. Amid all of the chaos, I felt bad for wondering if the open sea air might improve the range of my Radiwow. 

I placed my radio equipment beside the kitchen table and declared it my new headquarters. After fashioning the wire antenna to the chandelier, I began fiddling with the knobs. In the days ahead, Ryan would occasionally glance up from his laptop or a book with the kind of look that suggested I was up to something illegal. “Can you be done now?” he asked one night. I told him I was working, but to him, whatever I was doing didn’t look much like work. “That thing scares me,” he once told me before heading to bed.

Between seas of static, I came across Christian fundamentalists telling conversion stories, strangers speaking in languages I couldn’t recognize, and morse code stations sending out endless beeps. I would sometimes become convinced that I heard voices in the distance, beyond the static, beaming in through miles and miles of atmosphere. I’d do anything to make the signal a little clearer—stand on my chair or pin the antenna to the ceiling. But whatever I heard was always just out of reach.

I was looking for one of the distinctive signatures that sets each numbers station apart—someone repeating three numbers over and over again to help the listener verify that she has located the correct station. Several hours passed, and I looked down at the notes I’d scrawled to track my progress—the hurried, manic pen marks: 7,030 KHz, morse code; 7,255 KHz, constant beeping; 7,570 KHz, very faint voices; 7,780 KHz, quiet music and talking. They didn’t mean anything, and they led nowhere. It was 2 a.m., and I sat surrounded by bundles of tangled wires in the pitch black. Ryan’s soft breathing filtered in over the static; he’d been asleep for hours in the next room. I adjusted my headphones, pushed my glasses up the bridge of my nose, squinted into the digital glow, and carefully throttled the dial.


The first time I heard a numbers station recording must have been while listening to a peculiar part of “Poor Places,” a song by the band Wilco. As the song ends, a woman’s warbly voice repeats the phrase “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot,” as if under a spell of madness, behind a wall of distortion and roaring guitar feedback. The album the song appears on, one of the most celebrated of the ‘00s, is named after those three words, taken from the phonetic military alphabet. Wilco, I later learned, had sampled the clip from the Conet Project, a set of CDs released in 1997 by a London-based radio enthusiast named Akin Fernandez. His project is made up entirely of numbers station recordings gathered from listeners around the globe.

Numbers stations have never gone mainstream. You won’t find news pundits debating their usefulness or ethical implications on CNN, nor will they come up in a President’s speech. But after the release of the Conet Project, a cult community of artists, filmmakers, and musicians began incorporating the unsettling transmissions into their work. Numbers stations appeared in the Tom Cruise psychological thriller Vanilla Sky, the blockbuster video game Call of Duty: Black Ops, and the hit TV series Lost and The Americans. The uncanny nature of numbers station recordings also made them a perfect fit for David Lynch’s surrealist magnum opus, Twin Peaks.

After years of close monitoring, shortwave enthusiasts have built an impressive log of evidence to support their beliefs on websites and blogs like numbersoddities.nl or signalshed.com. They know when each broadcast will take place, down to the minute, and some of them track how those broadcasts change over time, in the hope that one day they will have enough evidence to decode a message and share it with the world.

Although their origins are unclear, there are several elements of numbers station broadcasts that listeners are sure of. For one, the structure of a numbers station transmission—the signature callout, followed by groupings of numbers—suggests that whoever is sending the broadcast must be employing a cryptographic technique known as the one-time pad. For this communication to be successful, two parties need to possess an identical string of numbers, which are sometimes printed in tiny notebooks for easy concealment. The sender devises a message and translates it into a set of numbers—A is one, B is two, and so on. Next, the sender adds each number to the randomly generated numbers listed on the one-time pad. When the receiver listens to the resulting numbers via shortwave radio, she’ll know to subtract them from the one-time pad to end up with the original message again.

This system is completely impossible to crack because each outcome is equally likely as any other. But according to Jonathan Katz, a cryptography professor at George Mason University, the one-time pad encryption scheme is more trouble than it’s worth. It’s a Catch-22: In order for the system to work as intended, two parties need to meet up and exchange pads in-person, which defeats the entire purpose of communicating internationally through the radio waves. Sending the pad via an online messaging system wouldn’t make sense either. “If you have the ability to exchange something in a secret fashion, then you might as well just exchange the message,” Katz told me. Besides, if a listener missed even a single number in the chain, the entire pad would become useless. One-time encryption was influential in the 1950s, but today, with advanced AI and computing systems, there are much more efficient and secure ways of staying in touch, Katz said. He had no idea why intelligence agents would use such an outdated system to reach each other, and neither did I.


In all of my airwave browsing, I may have come across a numbers station broadcast, but I would never have known it. None of the broadcasts I heard made much sense, and there was no distinguishing between what was supposed to be there and what wasn’t. I needed help, but no one would talk. Avid listeners fear that they could be arrested for monitoring clandestine transmissions. In nations like the U.K., it’s illegal to listen in on broadcasts that aren’t intended for the general population, and because governments keep their shortwave radio activity under wraps, no one knows what might happen if an enthusiast is caught.

I reached out to an enthusiast who’d written countless articles covering the shortwave band. One brief post mentioned that he’d occasionally come across numbers stations in his explorations. Certainly, if he was willing to attach his name to a public post about clandestine broadcasts, he’d be inclined to help me find one. Then, I received a message in my inbox. “Not sure why you contacted me about numbers stations,” his email read. “I am no expert—in all my years in the radio hobby, I think I heard one or two numbers stations and that was way back in the 1960s.” Folks at the Amateur Radio Club at Columbia University referred me to someone who, when asked if he’d be interested in talking, sent this message, unprovoked: “No—I’m not a government person—just shy.” The most elaborate story of all came from an expert in the Netherlands who told me he had recently suffered from a traumatic brain injury, resulting in a complete loss of his memories—including the ones about numbers stations. I have no evidence to suggest that this story was inaccurate. But after a long string of dead-ends, I had my suspicions.

Then I found Lewis Bush. A photographer and academic from the U.K., he became fascinated by the “perverse and paradoxical mixture of visibility and invisibility” that numbers stations inhabit—the fact that anyone can find them, but no one can know what they mean. Even if it was impossible to decode the messages themselves, Bush thought, maybe someone could at least locate their transmission sites. He searched for numbers stations with the help of satellite imaging technology. He would find irregular blotches of grass or other visual anomalies that might clue him in to the whereabouts of a particular site, and with a patchwork of zoomed-in images, he’d create composite aerial shots of supposed numbers station locations, as if they’d been taken from a surveillance plane or drone. 

While working on the project, Bush often found himself behind a computer or radio with few people to share new discoveries with. An emergency helicopter would occasionally hover above his house as it waited for clearance to land at a local hospital, and paranoia ensued. What if someone were listening in on his listening? “I think my housemates at the time felt I was losing it occasionally,” Bush recalled. “They’d hear me at 2 a.m. listening to these weird signals.” Bush’s work culminated in a book of photography and artist’s renderings, Shadows of the State. He had transformed a secretive act of espionage into a work of art and a spectacle accessible to all.

Some enthusiasts speculate that numbers station broadcasts might contain information about a grand conspiracy—an assassination or bombing somewhere—and that uncovering such a scheme could have geopolitical implications. But the truth is that the tedium of everyday life reveals itself even in numbers station broadcasts. When the Cuban Five, a cell of Cuban spies, were arrested for espionage against the United States in 1998, court documents captured the mundanity of their radio transmissions. “Congratulate all the female comrades for International Day of the Woman,” read one message, as reported in the Miami New Times.

And still, the vast majority of broadcasts remain totally unintelligible, leaving space for wild speculation. “The messages are appealing because you can project any fantasy onto them about what they contain,” Bush said.

Even with the clear skies of the Carolina coast giving me reign over the airwaves, I proved an utter failure with my pitiful Radiwow. I realized that if I was to listen in on a secret broadcast myself, I would need to more effectively enlist the help of the internet. I visited Priyom, an online guide created by international shortwave listeners who keep tabs on numbers stations. The home page has a listing of anticipated clandestine broadcasts that spans several days. And at the top, there’s a timer, which counts down to upcoming suspected transmissions. “Next station in fifteen minutes, EO6,” it read. I clicked a link which led me to a software-defined radio site, a web page that lets users listen to radio towers scattered around the globe. The one Priyom directed me to was based in Chongqing, China. It was a Friday night, and as usual, I was perched at the kitchen table, wielding my Radiwow as a backup, just in case. By now, I wasn’t expecting much, but I listened intently with a faint pang of suspense in my gut.

Then came the numbers.


As radio-based conspiracies make a comeback in the coronavirus era, companies like Defender Shield and Vest offer radiation-free baby blankets, headsets, and cell phone cases to cash in on the wave of paranoia. The now-stigmatized tin foil hat has given way to sleeker options, like silver fiber shawls and scarves that double as fashion accessories. Meanwhile, the internet abounds with support groups for “targeted individuals,” people who swear the government is performing secret tests on them through advanced electromagnetic devices. Those theories gained a bit of institutional credibility when, in 2017, the U.S. government expressed concern that an invisible phenomenon was causing brain injuries to its diplomats in Cuba, who had reported disorientation and nausea after hearing strange sonic bursts. Scientists speculated those injuries may have been caused by a weapon that utilized pulsed radio frequencies or ultrasonic signals, while psychologists considered mass hysteria as an alternative possibility.

Although radio paranoia has been common among the general population for decades, Victor Tausk, a psychoanalyst and student of Freud, noticed that fears were particularly acute among people with psychosis, who sometimes believed that a mysterious, unknowable machine was taking control of their minds. The victim almost always believed this machine was operated by a shadowy, sinister group who intended to manipulate or control her, and the components of the machine usually matched whatever cutting-edge technology was taking root at the time. The belief tended to coincide with skin abnormalities and peculiar physical sensations including sexual arousal and electrical tingling.

For James Tilly Matthews, whose schizophrenic symptoms were among the first to be recorded in the early 1800s, the machine was a generator capable of transforming gas particles into condensed streams of magnetic energy. Later, when the radio became the dominant technology of the day, people under the grip of psychosis constructed from its elements new types of mind-reading delusions.

Tausk believed that people who live with psychotic disorders use complex machines and invisible forces as a stand-in for their own deteriorating and fragmenting minds. But the mystery device is not only a reflection of themselves; it also mirrors the ills of the society they live in. “Rather than being estranged from the culture around them, psychotic subjects can be seen as consumed by it: unable to establish the boundaries of the self, they are at the mercy of their often heightened sensitivity to social threats,” said cultural historian Mike Jay in an analysis of Tausk’s theory. It is not that people with mental illness had lost touch with reality—it’s that they’d succumbed to it.


At the kitchen table with arms folded and eyes fixed on my laptop screen, I noticed a strand of purple take form against the dark blue backdrop of the online radio emulator. A haunting, mechanical voice emerged from the white noise: “3-6-1, 3-6-1.” This was the identifier I’d been listening for. Next came the sets of five numbers, which contained the message itself. I imagined a spy listening intently for every number, gradually putting the pieces together. 

But it was only gibberish to me. I listened until the broadcast vanished into the night and was replaced by familiar hisses and crackles. I had no revelations or epiphanies.

My last chance of making sense of the phantom voices I’d heard was to track down the person who drew me to the numbers station mystery in the first place. If there was anyone who knew what was behind all of the static, it’d be the man who brought numbers stations to the public—the creator of the Conet Project, Akin Fernandez. He’d first come across numbers stations while using the shortwave spectrum to pick up weather transmissions. When he discovered the surreal, droning voices transmitted via clandestine sites, it became his mission to collect every possible numbers station recording. I connected with him via video chat at his home in London. Surrounded by shelves of records and books, he peered into the camera as if looking out onto a wide panorama.

Fernandez told me he’s proud of his outsider status, both as the creator of Irdial, his London-based record company, and as a human being. He holds a peculiar amalgamation of beliefs, among them that the world is exactly as old as specified in the Bible, that Bitcoin could cause a worldwide revolution and that people with a mastery of mathematics will be our future leaders. I did my best to follow his logic and nodded occasionally to show I was listening in good faith, hoping that he’d eventually get to the meaning of numbers stations. But the solution never came. “Whether it’s dummy messages or not, or whatever the purpose is—it’s irrelevant,” he said. After decades of searching, Fernandez seemed satisfied with the idea that he’d never know.

It’s this detachment—this ability to shrug off the unknown—that separates casual hobbyists from obsessive listeners. Those who give meaning to the messages are more likely to pass the threshold into paranoia. Radio conspiracies, of course, are no more outlandish than many religious or political beliefs that pervade human society. But when we are alone in our thoughts, it’s easier to dig in, further and further, until we are lost. A vicious cycle ensues: Paranoia breeds solitude and solitude breeds even more paranoia until the internal logic of our mind no longer resembles that of the outside world.

The sun interferes with radio waves as they arc off the ionosphere, meaning many listeners must stay awake until the early hours of the morning to catch certain stations in real time. It’s a solitary hobby, with listeners largely isolated and sequestered in their homes, alone in the dark. I can picture the zealots, conspiracists and wanderers, surrounded by screens and wires, unraveling a conspiracy that reaches as far as their minds will carry it. 

By now, several months after my encounter with E06, I have lost track of my Radiwow. It must be tucked away in some box in my closet, collecting dust, neglected. I can turn it off, even take out its batteries. I can pretend that the numbers stations do not exist. But the radio waves from a thousand unknown stations continue to pass through it. They are there, even when I’m not listening. A subliminal tension occupies my mind. I know that at any moment, I can blow off the dust from the tiny LCD screen, extend the wobbly silver antenna and sink again into the static. ▩


The Popularist

How a dark narrative of apocalypse and decay infected the GOP

by

James Gold

Season Published
MP309

Jan 26, 2021


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“My general theory since 1971 has been that the Word is literally a virus, and it has not been recognized as such … the Word clearly bears the single identifying feature of virus: it is an organism with no internal function other than to replicate itself.”

William S. Burroughs

About an hour after rioters forced their way into the U.S. Capitol on January 6th, Ted Cruz sent out an impotent tweet: “Those storming the Capitol need to stop NOW!” It remains unclear whether Cruz was just panicking, pulling a cynical stunt to try and avoid blame for the violent outburst, or if he legitimately believed that his tweet held the power to pacify the crazed Trump supporters. Since the November election, Cruz has used his platform to advance the “election fraud” narrative and decry COVID restrictions as the work of a “totalitarian cult.” So, why the Senator from Texas was surprised that a group of people who believed that democracy was being subverted by a Satan-worshipping cabal of elites decided to take matters into their own hands is anyone’s guess.

Or, maybe Cruz wasn’t taken aback by the rioters’ delusional fury, but by their usurpation of his moment. The subtext of his tweet is clear—Stop! I will handle this!—but why should the rioters listen? Cruz had helped convince a portion of the nation that the country was being stolen from them—and then proceeded to do nothing but soliloquize on the Senate floor.

Cruz fancies himself a cynical, shrewd politician. A Princeton debater, he is fond of picking up the most incendiary, divisive, anti-establishment rhetoric to propel his own “insurgent” political career. It was only natural that when the reactionary language of Trumpism emerged, he would seek to co-opt its power for his own ends.

But Cruz’s tweet reveals a central fallacy of modern politics. Like many Republicans, he believed that he was using the vocabulary of reactionary ideology for his own benefit. He expected that by telling the reactionary narrative of U.S. politics, he would be in control of the country’s populist right-wing anger.

This isn’t how language works. The words were using Ted Cruz. Cruz is no more powerful than the man with the bubonic plague who, while he is infected, holds the power to kill or spare those around him. Eventually though, the contagion does away with the infected man himself.


The idea that words and stories act like viruses can be traced back to the Beat writer William Burroughs. It was his position that words operate virally, as pieces of un-self-conscious code whose sole function is to replicate itself and which cannot survive outside a host. Have you ever heard of the cordyceps fungus? When a cordyceps’ spore lands on an ant, the ant becomes infected and, as the fungus grows inside it, begins behaving in strange ways. Eventually, the ant will have lost control over its musculature and will be forced, by the insentient fungus, to perform a series of bizarre actions for the benefit of the fungus inside, terminating in the ant’s suicide. The mushroom sprouts from the ant’s corpse and sends out more spores, continuing the cycle.

Language works in this viral way—though as Burroughs observed, we have achieved a symbiotic relationship with language that obscures its nature. Language empowers us, allowing us to communicate and cooperate. The cost is that the language uses us, to perpetuate itself, to infect new minds, to spread itself. Perhaps you’ve had the experience of using a word as a joke, only to find yourself saying it earnestly later on. Or maybe you’ve spent time around a certain community out of curiosity, and you find yourself beginning to agree with them where you didn’t before. Online political communities use memes and irony to draw people close enough to start changing the way they think. The ideas we spend time around worm their way into our thoughts. Sometimes, they colonize our thoughts, influencing the way we think and act.

Stories work in the same way as language or discrete ideas, although stories are much more complex and so too is their infectious process. The raw sensory data of day-to-day living, not to mention a hyper-informational world and thousands of years of recorded history, cannot be rendered intelligible in its totality. You need a “story,” a narrative, which tells you what this all “means.” Your story helps you select what is important to focus on, what events are worth your consideration. You have a story about who you are, about what your past experiences have meant for you, and about what that means your future will likely look like. It may not be a totally coherent story, but with it you have a general orientation towards self and world (or else you’re amidst an existential crisis). When we no longer understand what is happening and why, we search out new narratives. 

Words beget stories and stories beget words: “People seek for vocabularies that are reflections of reality,” wrote literary theorist Kenneth Burke. “To this end, they must develop vocabularies that are selections of reality.” The words one uses are determined by one’s worldview. This worldview—which we figure to be the “accurate” representation of reality—ushers us towards the vocabulary the best supports it us. The opposite is also true, to a lesser extent. Narratives have explanatory function; our vocabularies gesture towards our explanations. Are Black Lives Matter protests “righteous” or “riotous?” Your answer is probably intertwined with how you view U.S. history.

Your understanding of history anchors your narratives about the world. In the light of historical narrative, meaning and order emerge. In this light, you interpret current events. What was allows you to understand what is. These judgments of what is in turn color your vision of what could be in the future.

We are, moreover, always trying to bring others over to our way of seeing things how they “in fact” are. The speaker’s words, and the worldviews they spring from, seek to reproduce themselves in the minds of the audience. Every explanation is, by its nature, a tacit attempt at persuasion. Are you trying to “stop-the-steal” from a totalitarian deep state? Or maybe you are “pro-democracy” and your opponents “insurrectionists.” Each of these characterizations shows your hand. The words you use argue on behalf of the narrative from which they spring. They function like the spores of the cordyceps—little flecks of the narrative which spew out from one person’s fully formed worldview and fall upon the head of some other person, as of yet unaffected by that narrative. Those spores, if they are particularly effective or if their target host is particularly susceptible, may come to “infect” a new host. That person starts becoming shaped by their vocabulary and a narrative starts to grow in their head. When the cordyceps has taken hold of their brain, their meaning-making-machine, they are fit to go spread more spores and convert more followers. Speech cannot be “neutral.” It is an organism all its own.


In 2011, Steve Bannon had his first meeting with Donald Trump in a Trump Tower conference room. Seated silently next to them was the president of Citizens United David Bossie. Bossie had decided it would be useful to introduce the intellectually shallow Trump to Steve Bannon, a scholarly rising star within fringe right-wing politics. The strange bedfellows had convened so that Bannon could give Trump a crash course in political theory and praxis.

Bannon did not take Trump very seriously at the time, but the reality TV star was nonetheless a promising mark to bring into the reactionary fold. Trump, after all, had spent the past four years alleging that Obama was a Kenyan, Communist, and a leftist leading an all-out assault on all that is good and holy. All that Bannon needed to do to win a media ally was sell Trump on populism, a political approach which strives to appeal to ordinary people and pit them against the established “elites.” Towards this end, according to Bannon, he launched into a galvanizing account of the U.S. populist tradition à la Andrew Jackson and William Jennings Bryan. Midway through, Trump interjected. “That’s what I am!” he said eagerly, “a popularist.” Bannon shook his head. “No, no, it’s populist.” Trump, as is his nature, ignored his mistake and doubled down. “Yeah, yeah, a popularist.” Bannon opened his mouth to correct Trump again but shut it when Bossie gave him a swift kick under the table.

Trump would not be a populist; he would be a popularizer. He effected not policy but popular culture. What he popularized was the reactionary-myth; a dark, viral story foretelling the collapse of the United States. The fodder of Bannon, Breitbart, and Q-Anon., the story would completely infect the Republican party—and, in time, the American public writ large.


 Sequencing the Genome

Obama’s victory left the Republican party ideologically compromised. Newt Gingrich’s gridlock obstructionism and botched impeachment, Bush’s two failed wars, the most severe economic crisis since the 1930s, and crushing electoral defeats in ’06 and ’08 had badly discredited the GOP. In the minority, the hollowed-out party was desperate for a path back into power.

A path forward emerged in the form of the Tea Party, a rhetorically vitriolic, venomously anti-establishment movement which disseminated the reactionary rhetorical virus now at the heart of the Republican party. The Tea Party’s apocalyptic narrative, and the way it connected with disaffected, resentful, portions of the population, gave Republicans immense political strength. In turn, its rhetoric would colonize the GOP.

The Tea Party did not come out of nowhere. The appearance of any phenomenon is a late stage of that phenomenon. By the time the boils of bubonic plague blister and ooze upon the host, a violent cellular war has already been fought and lost out of macroscopic view. The roots of reactionary ideology—the absolute opposition to political and social reform under the belief that reform leads to civilizational collapse—trace back to the French Revolution. Frenchmen who “reacted” to the revolution by calling for an end to secular republicanism and a return to Catholic monarchy argued the left was destroying the national moral character, that violent mobs were coming to terrorize the people, and that the country needed to restore its ostensibly stable past.

The earliest French reactionaries sought to address the ills of society by restoring the King. But you’ll find very few monarchists these days. More modern strains of reactionary thought can be traced back to the 20th century and the rise of European authoritarianism. In the early 1900s, French writer René Guénon developed what he called Traditionalism. Traditionalism, ironically, added novel elements to old-school reactionary thought by merging Eastern religious concepts with a profoundly 20th century anxiety about liberalism and global society. Guénon, like our modern prophets of doom, was prone to grandiose pronouncements warning of the imminent destruction of Western civilization.

Traditionalism, the foundation of almost all modern reactionary thought, is a decidedly apocalyptic narrative. Condemning “the modern decadence,” and the “myth of progress,” Guénon believed that the secular and progressive reforms of the 1800s and 1900s would bring about what the Hindus call the “Kali Yuga.” The Kali Yuga is a six-thousand-year dark age wherein tradition is wholly forgotten and society is plunged into a state of total decay and spiritual desolation. In the Traditionalist mind, politics is a zero-sum game. Every step forward for the political left is a step closer to civilizational collapse.


Ronald Reagan was an especially effective host for reactionary rhetoric. His fluency in the new media of cinema gave him, like Trump, the ability to deftly manipulate popular culture—the country’s ideological circulatory system. Without any of the hysterics of Guénon or the Tea Party, Reagan Americanized and popularized the reactionary narrative of progressive liberals rotting all that is good and holy. With a popularist fervor and a smile on his face, Reagan led a revolution of American political discourse.

In Reagan’s telling, America was an inherently just and powerful country; its prosperity was divinely ordained. America’s problems were not caused by imperial overreach in a globalizing world, or by systematic inequality, but by the American left: The left-wing of American politics was literally the force of political, economic, cultural entropy—basically Guénon’s thesis.

Reagan warned that environmental and market regulations were a tool of “controlling people.” He feared “modern-day secularism,” and called for a restoration of Traditional morality. Reagan alleged that the Great Society, a legislative agenda composed of Civil Rights and social welfare programs, “perpetuate[d] poverty,” caused riots, and was responsible for America’s economic difficulties. He reminisced about a time when “the country didn’t even know it had a racial problem,” and argued that “if an individual wants to discriminate against Negroes or others in selling or renting his house, it is his right to do so.” It was liberals, with their incessant whining about race, who were the true source of racial tension.

The U.S. in 1980, like the Republican party in 2010, was a ready host for a new narrative. During Carter’s presidency, liberalism imploded. The U.S. was badly hurting from social unrest, a failed war in Vietnam, and economic downturns which stemmed from the cost of maintaining both domestic programs and primary superpower status in a quickly globalizing world. In the 1960s, critics accused Reagan and Goldwater of offering “simple solutions to complex problems.” But, at the onset of the ailing ‘80s, Reagan’s narrative proved all the more effective for its simplicity. Reagan wasn’t a doomsayer, though; he pitched the reactionary worldview with a charismatic levity.

Carter couldn’t offer anything as flashy. He begged the nation to consider its limits and cease to “worship self-indulgence and consumption.” It was an act of profoundly prescient philosophy and terrible rhetoric. Reagan, for his part, wanted a country “where people can still get rich.” In the 1980 election, Reagan won a landslide victory.


Ever since Reagan introduced the reactionary rhetor-virus, the GOP’s rhetoric has centered around dismantling liberalism under the assumption that domestic peace and prosperity will naturally result. But when that peace and prosperity did not materialize in the ‘90s and early 2000s, the optimism of Reaganism took a darkly Traditionalist turn. After all, if the Republicans held power for so long and yet the Reagan utopia had not materialized, then the liberals must be even stronger, even more sinister, than Reagan thought.

The Tea Party emerged in the late aughts. Cloaking their ideology in the moderate language of small government and fiscal conservatism, Tea Party activists asserted that the left was pushing America to the brink of civilizational collapse. If the liberals cannot be deposed, as Reagan had hoped, they must be destroyed. The Tea Party had no appetite for compromise or civility. There was no price too high to pay to hinder progress(ives)—decency, democracy, and the Republican establishment be damned.

Then-House Minority Leader John Boehner and his fellow conservatives struggled to control the sudden influx of iconoclasts. Their efforts were undercut by Republicans who, like Cruz and Graham today, tried to harness this emergent reactionary narrative for their own political ends. Politicians like Paul Ryan and Eric Cantor encouraged the spread of the Tea Party’s frantic, angry, reactionary rhetoric, betting it could be harnessed to restore Republican preeminence.

Politicians, naïve to the nature of rhetoric, are used to telling fictions they only half-believe. The Republican Party leadership did not understand the immense toxicity and infectiousness of the Tea Party’s apocalyptic orientation. But Steven Bannon did, and he relished the opportunity to burn the system down. Like any graduate of Harvard Business School, Bannon is primarily a rhetorician. He possesses an acute awareness of the power of narrative. This, combined with his fully-fledged reactionary worldview shaped by his right-wing Catholic upbringing, gave him insight into the origins and possibilities of the 2010 Tea Party insurgency. Bannon reasoned (correctly) that the failure of the Iraq War and the financial crisis were the fatal blows to the traditional narratives which kept establishment American authority in place. To so many, the past had become confusing, the present unintelligible, and the future indeterminate. The country was in a crisis of meaning. People were desperate for a new story, and Bannon was going to use the Tea Party movement to peddle it. Bannon had read and absorbed Guénon; he knew the Kali Yuga was engulfing the West. He just needed to spread the word.

Bannon co-founded Breitbart News with Andrew Breitbart in 2007 as an alt-right alternative to both the mainstream media and Fox’s right-wing media empire. Breitbart himself had been a master rhetorician and devoted culture warrior of the first Obama term. But he died suddenly of heart failure in 2012. Bannon, who had been making boring, alarmist political films lauding the Tea Party and attempting to blame the financial crisis of the American left’s destruction of traditional values, returned to Breitbart as its Chief Executive. More interested in outright proselytizing than Andrew Breitbart, and animated by a far more coherent and apocalyptic worldview, Bannon used his direct editorial control as a means of effecting the conversations taking place in the Tea Party and on the increasingly-online alt-right. Bannon had his agenda. But the story of the Kali Yuga had an agenda of its own.


The Armor-Piercing Shell

In his first meeting with Bannon in the Trump Tower conference room, Trump’s insistence that he was a popularist wasn’t a moment of lexical confusion. It was a radical, if accidental, act of self-revelation. The foundation of Trump’s political career was not, like Bannon, a sincere desire to take on the “elites” and “restore” the common man to his place of primacy in the Republican Party. Rather, Trump’s politics is rooted in his fascination with the popular. Like Reagan, Trump was a performer first and foremost. What Trump lacks in political, financial, and administrative acumen is compensated for by a Barnum-esque sixth sense in the realm of popular-culture and new media.

Bannon viewed apocalyptic reactionary rhetoric as a legitimate means of restoring power to the people. Trump saw it only as a means of securing power for himself. Thus, what Trump picked up from Bannon wasn’t the finer points of history, but a pre-constructed rhetorical toolbox which provided grounding to Trump’s shallow reactionary intuitions. He picked up the virus.


Breitbart grew more popular during Bannon’s residence as its leader, coincident with the broader rise of the online reactionary-right during the Obama presidency. It won its biggest victory in 2014 when Breitbart undertook a massive campaign to defeat House Majority Leader Eric Cantor in his Virginia primary race. Cantor’s opponent, little-known economics professor David Brat, appeared on Breitbart’s podcast every week leading up to the election. He used the vocabulary of anti-immigration as a cudgel against Cantor, who supported the GOP’s attempt to win more Hispanic voters by working with the Democrats to pass a bipartisan immigration amnesty bill. Brat savaged Cantor as an elite, a pro-immigration traitor.

To everyone’s surprise, Brat deposed Cantor (who had himself, remember, tried to use the Tea Party to depose Boehner) and became the first person in U.S history to defeat the House Majority Leader in a primary election. The upset sent shockwaves through mainstream media and terrified Republican Party leadership, which rushed to abandon the amnesty bill and to further incorporate the Tea Party’s rhetorical style.

While the GOP establishment was loathe to work with Democrats, they knew full well that the government would cease functioning and fall into disorder if they did not make some concessions. But their base would not permit it. After Cantor’s loss, the GOP swore even greater fealty to the reactionary virus and became even more hostile to compromise.

With elation, Bannon watched Cantor’s defeat and the Republicans’ subsequent capitulation. The GOP establishment was increasingly weak, prime for a hostile takeover. But this usurpation would require something much bigger than the engineering of a single congressional race. Bannon and the reactionary right would need to win the Republican presidential primary if they were to genuinely reorient the party. Bannon wagered that a radical enough candidate would be able to secure a solid base in what was shaping up to be a chaotic primary. The Breitbart executive took a meeting with Ted Cruz, figuring he might be ambitious enough to run the total war campaign Bannon desired. But despite their initial flirtations, Cruz and Bannon would not end up as collaborators.

On June 16, 2015, Donald Trump stood in the lobby of Trump Tower to announce he was running for president. Few expected much from Trump that day. And clearly no one, perhaps not even the man himself, realized that Trump was about to deliver one of the most consequential and effective acts of American political oration in the nation’s history. The address itself was a mess, a jumbled mix of insults (the Republicans are “losers,” the Clintons “murderers”), recriminations (Mexico is sending “drugs…crime…[and] rapists” into the U.S.), and frequent self-congratulatory digressions (“I have a great family”). Trump eschewed traditional oratorical imperatives like cohesion and argument. Politico dismissively called the speech “quixotic” and “entertaining,” as if to suggest Trump might provide some low-stakes levity throughout the primary.

Trump’s use of language is prototypical of the type of virality that Burroughs imagined. Trump uses specific words and phrases that spread like wildfire and embed themselves deep inside people’s minds. Sure, the speech didn’t “make sense,” but CNN doesn’t report on speeches: They report on soundbites. Trump’s focus on clickbaity, viral, reactionary talking points and repetition (read: memes) provided endless soundbites upon which CNN anchors could practice their hollow exegesis. The vacuity of Trump’s actual ideology was irrelevant. The mainstream media was bewitched, and it would unknowingly reproduce Trump’s words, his rheto-virus spores, endlessly and for free throughout the entire 2016 election. The reactionary right responded immediately to Trump’s signifying. Their undying support in such a turbulent primary proved more than enough to see Trump to the nomination.

More importantly, however, Trump injected the Traditionalist apocalyptia directly into the mainline of American culture. It was no longer the stuff of fringe-websites and insurgent candidates in deeply gerrymandered districts, it was on national television most days of the week. Trump, like Reagan, insisted that our beleaguered country was facing existential crises. These problems were not endemic, the two men argued, but were the result of a dangerous Deep State-led predominately by the malevolently progressive Democratic Party. (Reagan’s Deep State was the liberal Big Government of LBJ; Trump is less clear on where exactly the 21st-century Deep State resides. Comet Pizza, maybe?) Trump’s narrative, however, had none of Reagan’s optimism. For Trump, Bannon, and the modern reactionary rheto-virus, the end times are here. “The American Dream is dead,” Trump announced at the end of the speech. That day, Bannon and the rest of the reactionary-right knew they had found their man.


Throughout the 2016 campaign, Hillary Clinton was so unpopular that the Trump campaign, generally a volatile mess, rarely had to stand on its own merits. Clinton, for all her tactlessness and elitism, knew that Trump was not just a bad candidate but host to a dangerous infection. When Trump elevated Bannon to the role of Campaign Manager, 88 days before the election, Clinton followed in Jimmy Carter’s footsteps, continuing the time-honored tradition of Democratic sermons which are incredibly wise and politically suicidal. In a speech condemning Bannon’s appointment, she famously warned that “a fringe element has effectively taken over the Republican party.” The prognosis was dead on, of course. Bannon’s formal integration into the Trump political movement heralded the final stages of the reactionary rhetorical revolution on the American Right. But despite Clinton’s prescience, the strength of anti-Clintonism caused the speech to backfire. If Clinton represented everything wrong with politics, as so many believed, then her opposition to Trump and Breitbart was just more proof that those groups were earnestly populist—unconcerned with the desires of the American political-economic elite. Trump lost the popular vote by two points, but won the electoral college.

No one knew what to expect. The Democrats were dismayed and humiliated. The Republican establishment was shellshocked, especially after a tape was released in the October before election which showed Trump bragging about his desire and ability to sexually assault women. Bannon figured he had a good sense of what would come next: He would now become the chief philosopher behind a Donald Trump-led political realignment which would radically restrict immigration, upend trade, dismantle all of the federal government’s regulatory bodies, and completely destroy the establishment GOP. All of this leading, inevitably by Bannon’s logic, to the grassroots restoration of Traditional—mythical 1950s—American prosperity and cultural values. Trump is “an imperfect instrument, but he’s an armor piercing shell,” Bannon would rave.

Bannon misread the situation. Trump is virtually useless politically. Bannon’s populist project would fall flat on its face under Trump, and the GOP establishment Bannon loathed would continue to exert significant legislative influence. Yet for the reactionary virus, Trump was an ideal host.


The emergence of the reactionary kleptocracy (by which the rhetoric of anti-elitism, apocalypse, and pseudo-populism is used to further the GOP’s elitist agenda) was less the product of intelligent design than the natural law of political forces taking the path of least resistance. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and Speaker Paul Ryan snapped out of their stupor and resolved to limit Trump’s effect on legislation. Many took seriously, as Bannon had, Trump’s promise to raze and rebuild the Republican Party, radically altering the way Washington did business and producing some effect on the laws passed by the GOP Senate and House.

But Bannon’s vision always turned on being able to compel the Republican legislature and, if that didn’t work, use primary challenges to replace them with more rabidly pro-populist candidates. This didn’t pan out in 2016, when Trump-style insurgent candidates didn’t do particularly well and Congress looked roughly the same as it had in 2014.

The legislature, though far from centrist, was not interested in endorsing an agenda which made them and their donors politically irrelevant. McConnell whipped out his Obama-era bestseller—Maintaining the Status Quo During a Presidency Meant to Shake-Things-Upand got to work figuring out how traditional kleptocratic legislation could retain its priority during Trump’s unconventional term. The plan? Limit Trump’s influence on policy while capitulating, totally, to his reactionary rhetorical style. They would adopt Trump’s language, words, orientation, while reinforcing their establishment agenda. In a manner typical of the Republican’s rhetorical realignment, South Carolina Senator Lindsay Graham explicitly discussed his desire to use Trumpian rhetoric to advance his own political goals and ambitions. In a year, Graham went from the tepid admonishments in vogue circa 2017 (“President Trump’s tweet today suggesting Attorney General Sessions pursue prosecution of a former political rival is highly inappropriate”) to full-throated culture warmongering (“I know I’m a single white man from South Carolina and… I will not shut up”). “I like being relevant,” Graham remarked.

In a way, this reactionary-kleptocratic crossover worked exactly as McConnell or Graham intended. Trump was a Popularist, concerned with little outside that week’s news cycle. Legislation, sad to say, rarely makes the frontpage of New York Times for more than a day or two. Trump was completely unwilling to do the hard work associated with controlling Congress and pushing through a President’s institutional priorities. An incredibly strong media presence, Trump is a complete incompetent when it comes to governance. Outside of a slew of (no doubt pre-written) executive orders meant to signal the beginning of Bannon’s reactionary-populist project, Trump put little effort into running the government and showed little resistance when the GOP establishment asserted itself as the people who were going to actually run the country. Trump really didn’t see populism as anything more than a good rhetorical style by which to garner praise.

Throughout the first year of his term, Trump would totally abdicate his responsibility to govern and abandon the populist political project, kicking Bannon out of his role as the President’s “Chief Strategist” in August of 2017, only seven months into the administration. Control of the party’s legislative priorities was handed over to the establishment who, in return, totally relinquished control of their own messaging. Bannon, after his ousting, remarked resentfully that “no administration in history has been so divided among itself about the direction about where it should go.”

But this, again, shows Bannon’s misunderstandings. Trump was never concerned with, or capable of inducing a political realignment. The failure of Trump’s populism is obvious. The Republican-dominated Congress of 2016-2018 only really accomplished two major things with their federal trifecta. They appointed a throng of conservative (as opposed to reactionary) judges. And they passed a massive kleptocratic tax “reform” bill so blatantly friendly to the top 1% and the donor class that Steve Bannon later tried to distance himself from it in a desperate attempt to salvage his populist street-cred. That’s it—that’s the Trump presidency’s legislative legacy. The much-touted tax cuts for those in lower income brackets, the everyman, weren’t even permanent. They were set to phase out in 2021.  The Wall was not built, no immigration reform bill passed, healthcare reform failed (badly).  No drain-the-swamp populist in their right mind would consider these wins. Sam Nunberg, a Bannon ally, lamented in 2017 that the “Trump administration is on the precipice of turning into an establishment presidency.”

Thus, while they adopted his rhetoric, the GOP establishment routinely humiliated Trump by preventing him from making good on even a single campaign promise. Institutionally, they held almost all the cards. To the Republican establishment, who believe only in political expediency, this was a success story. The rich-friendly agenda of the GOP remained essentially the same as it had under Bush Jr. or would have under Jeb. The only cost was that the Republicans had to change their rhetoric, which seemed a small price to pay. A Republican taking a public position which was insufficiently conciliatory, even encouraging, towards the reactionary right would earn you the scorn of Trump’s base and a lambasting on Twitter, but the base didn’t demand specific legislative redress. As long as you wore the mere aesthetic of a reactionary, repeated reactionary buzzwords, justified one’s actions through the reactionary narrative, you could stay in power and continue opposing wealth redistribution or economic regulations. McConnell stood up against Trump’s desire to shut down the government to win a deal on “the wall” but refused to rebuke Trump’s rhetoric, offering little more than limp murmurs of discontent.

But where Trump and Bannon overestimated their political efficacy, the Republican establishment badly misjudged the efficacy of rhetoric. It is clear, in retrospect, that powerful conservatives had no idea that rhetoric is a virulent strain of self-replicating ideological code. By allowing Trump to dominate right-wing messaging, and ultimately coming to repeat it themselves, the GOP was fundamentally altering the national psyche and summoning the Kali Yuga.

Even in 2017, it was clear the effect that the repetition and popularization of Trump’s rhetoric was having on the country. On the 11th and 12th of August 2017, mere days before Bannon would be fired—an event that marked the end of Trump’s chance at serious legislative political change—a moment of massive cultural-ideological transformation occurred. Disparate members of the reactionary alt-right came together in Charlottesville, Virginia for a rally dubbed Unite the Right. Attendees adorned themselves in fascist symbolism, chanted racist rhetoric, and brawled with counter-protestors. A young neo-Nazi, seething in his conviction that the Left was attempting to steal the country from him and bring a dark age upon the Western world, drove his car into a crowd of people and killed a woman. This event led to a disastrous news cycle for Trump but yielded no serious reconsideration or reorientation from the GOP establishment. They could not exit the reactionary-kleptocratic pact. Dropping the rhetoric would mean losing their institutional power. Even as the Kali Yuga wafted out from the imaginations of the reactionaries and into our own reality, the Republicans demurred.

This was, and still is, the state of the Republican Party. Its leaders tenuously chain the old-guard protect-the-rich Republican governing to reactionary rhetoric. Each requires the other for its survival. So why does Trump’s base, who ostensibly wanted a champion of the people, still support him?

“Fascism,” Walter Benjamin wrote, “attempts to organize the newly proletarianized masses without affecting the property structure which the masses strive to eliminate. Fascism sees its salvation in giving these masses not their right, but instead a chance to express themselves.” The reactionary-rhetorical revolution may not have changed the position of Republican politicians, a cynical cohort who never took their words very seriously to begin with. But it has thrust huge segments of the American population into the reactionary orientation. For many of Trump’s supporters—especially those in Q-Anon, the new de-facto religion of American reactionaries—the verbal reinforcement of their narrative is sufficient validation. And, particularly in the age of the internet, it may be increasingly irrelevant what the GOP thinks of the words they use. For words have intentions all their own.


Hyperstitions

Last year in Manatee County, Florida, two Republicans, establishment men if there ever were any, competed for a County Commissioner’s seat. Despite the fact that, according to the New York Times, the county has voted for every Republican presidential nominee since 1948, one of the candidates began his campaign by making his slogan “Make Manatee Red Again.” His opponent shot back by listing his top policy as “Support[ing] President Trump.”

The district has been solidly Republican for a decade, yet the prevailing rhetoric reproduced the ideology of left-wing invasion and the desperate need to defend a besieged land. The former candidate won, but it really doesn’t make a difference. Both were financial professionals supporting the same fiscal policy any Florida Republican would have in 2008 or even 2001. All over the nation, Republicans of all ideological bends are appropriating the reactionary narrative for their own political careers. Increasingly theatrical politicking, mixed with a touch of real-fear-of-the-left—basically, the elevation of rhetoric—is the real effect of Trump’s presidency.

This legacy is not merely aesthetic. The spread of such an irrational, apocalyptic, paranoid ideology hystericizes society. As the reactionaries grow more frantic, so does everyone else. And the source of the infection is here to stay. Some might argue that the Republican Party will necessarily soon fracture into discrete parties—one for zealous reactionaries and the other for sane Conservatives. If this is your belief, your optimism is commendable. But the GOP has, over these past four years, spread the rheto-virus far too wide and deep within the minds of their voters to ever turn back. And why bother turning back? The reactionary narrative comes with a built-in justification for kleptocratic policy. America’s ills derive not from faulty legislation or wealth inequality, but from the radical-leftist-pedophile-Satanists, who are always obscured and unaccountably absent from public view, gumming up the works.

But the reactionary elements on the American right won’t for long be beholden to the establishment’s pleas to allow elected legislators to handle the situation. A central tenet of the ideology is that failure can never be explained by faults in the ideology itself but only by the right’s failure to deal harshly enough with the left. Republicans will either have to keep rhetorical pace with their increasingly rabid base or else be eaten alive by it, replaced by some new face who may not vote much differently, but would be a more willing host to the Word.

Novel rhetorical viruses spread most effectively among the disaffected, disempowered, and desperate. When our old stories lose their credibility, we search for new stories. When our old communities break-down or disappear, we seek new communities (often, these days, online). This can be a good thing. Sometimes a new story about how the world works really does help us navigate existence and live better lives. Our old stories and vocabularies really weren’t working. Reaganomics led to millions of jobs being shipped overseas and the beginning of corporate stock buybacks, the age of the shareholder’s precedence above the worker. Bill Clinton’s acceleration of Free Trade only worsened these trends and his cutting of social services meant a large number of people during times of financial crisis fell through the cracks into poverty. Bush Jr.’s conservatism flunked. Shopping didn’t help us overcome the national Trauma of 9/11, and there is good reason to believe that the conservative assumption that banks would “self-regulate” had a lot to do with the ’08 financial crisis. Likewise, Obama’s economic recovery “made at best a modest dent” in income inequality. Is Biden really going to provide the decisive break with these past failures which the nation so severely requires?

A decidedly new narrative about our national past, present, and future is the only path forward. We are at the terminus of decades-long failure in federal policy. The particular type of hopelessness in this country—fueled by decaying institutions, out-of-touch major parties, Congressional gridlock, political volatility, a mental health crisis, mass incarceration, technological overload, drug epidemics, social dysfunction, unending hollow consumerism, incredible wealth inequality, sexual anxiety, broad (sometimes subconscious) racial hostility and/or paranoia—threatens to produce increasingly delusional political narratives on both the left and right. But a politics of apophenia, while out of touch with reality, at least doesn’t blindly insist that everything is going great.  

As it stands, the GOP’s preferred mode of governing, elitist kleptocracy, has a built-in opposition to systematic change. Republican leaders refuse to let government act effectively. They promise mythical “private” solutions to the truly gargantuan problems which plague their base. The GOP is a deeply ill patient who refuses to step out of the cold, all the while complaining about their pneumonia. The party’s obstinacy will continue to make much of their base’s lives worse, triggering the reactionary virus’ evolution into increasingly destructive, anti-democratic, hysterical ideology. Just like Reaganism’s built-in accelerationism which caused his strain of the virus to mutate into the Tea Party, modern Republicans are stuck in a recursion loop in which the American right will grow more restless, more pessimistic, and more aggressive.

There is a wrinkle in the idea that our narratives of the world are the light by which we make sense of our past, present, and future: Our expectations of what could be often determine what will be. Philosopher-turned-shut-in Nick Land wrote of the “hyperstition,” an “element of effective culture that makes itself real.” A hyperstition is a society-level self-fulfilling prophecy. The word comes out of a fringe-political theory called “accelerationism”—an incongruous, though increasingly reactionary-dominated, group of extremely-online people who believe, for one reason or another, that societal trends should be accelerated (possibly to the point of social collapse). Whereas a superstition is a fictional story that remains fictional no matter how many people believe in it, a hyperstition is a fictional story, a narrative, which is capable of making itself real. Stories and vocabularies spread infectiously, popularizing certain expectations. It is always the case that our pre-figuring of what is in store considerably determines what is in store. Our picture of the future conjure the political, cultural, and economic forces which direct us, often, towards that future (especially in the case of economics, where speculation plays a great role and where the market is especially susceptible to expectations). Our early science fiction about space travel oriented the United States towards their interest in space exploration. How many NASA workers took the job due to their childhood love of Star Trek?

Less hopefully, a psychotic picture of the future will produce psychotic results. The Kali Yuga rages against its imprisonment in the mind and the unconscious, occasionally bursting tentacles out, like an Old God, to wreak havoc as it did in the Capitol on January 6th. Ted Cruz and his ilk, who used the power of the reactionary rheto-virus for their own ends, will not be able to turn back the Kali Yuga by speaking sternly to it. The mystical words Cruz employed to summon the beast cannot be dissuaded by the common pleas of a warlock horrified at the demon he has brought into this world. (“Stop…NOW”). This demon resides in more minds than ever. The Kali Yuga is the evangelical’s end of times, it is Q-Anon’s “storm,” it is the Boogaloo Boys’, uhm, “Boogaloo.”

And if enough people think society’s collapse is imminent, then society will, in fact, collapse. Like a stock market crash, free government cannot survive an exceptionally broad crisis of confidence, no matter how unreasonable the cause of people’s skepticism. Even among the left, how many did not feel the chill of a new Civil Conflict brewing in their imagination when they saw the riots in the halls of Congress. Egged on by the delusions of the right, the American left may ramp up their own politics of phantasms, declaring war on increasingly obscure, maybe even nonexistent, entities. All the while, the Kali Yuga lies in wait. Today’s delusion, tomorrow’s reality. Now you know the true name of that dark future residing in the back of your mind, or in the forefront of the reactionary’s. But be warned: if you believe in the Kali Yuga, it will come. ▩


Towards an Ultimate Display

Ingenic media could reveal and redefine what it means to be human. Can we control it?

by

Tywen Kelly

Season Published
MP308

Jan 12, 2021


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In 2019, Jak Wilmot livestreamed himself living a week in virtual reality. He ate with a VR headset on and didn’t take it off to sleep or to go to the restroom. When he showered he kept his eyes closed. He watched old black-and-white movies, played Skyrim, hung out with other people in VR Chat, traversed the savanna, and drove a virtual bus for eight hours from Tucson to Las Vegas. 

Over the course of the week, Wilmot swung between ecstasy and despair. But it was not until he took headset off on day seven that euphoria struck. Slowly creaking his eyes open, and with a wide grin, he muttered, “the graphics are so good.” Later he went outside on his porch, took a long inhale, and said, “I have never appreciated the smell of outside air so much.”

While the average person might understand technology simply as that which is “new,” Wilmot’s experience suggests the need for a more precise definition. As Marshall McLuhan argued in his 1964 classic, Understanding Media, technology must be understood as an “extension” of the body. A car is an extension of the legs. A stove is an extension of the stomach. The internet is an extension of the nervous system.

Virtual reality is a technology not because it is new but because it is an extension of our body. It’s perhaps the most comprehensive technology today because it extends so many parts of our bodies: our eyes, ears, hands, feet, nervous system, and vestibular system. 

In fact the idea of virtual reality is not new at all. And, though manufacturers have struggled to make VR a household commodity,  its comprehensiveness as a technology reveals much about the broader media ecosystem in which we all increasingly dwell. VR reflects the tendency of all media to converge and combine into a larger, more immersive medium. Observing its properties can prepare us to exist in the hyper-unified, comprehensive, and immersive media landscape to come.

VR also presents an opportunity to reinvision how we can exist. Technology tends to change our definitions of things. The locomotive redefined (compressed) geography, the national newspaper redefined community, and computers are redefining intelligence. In particular, VR media and other nascent immersive technology will initiate a redefinition of what it means to “be.” Paradoxically, this technology centers the human while also rendering the human invisible. It concurrently reveals and redefines our environment, and consequently, who we are as a people. Can we control it?


In 1935, Stanley Weinbaum wrote “Pygmalion’s Spectacles,” the earliest known narrative to describe a mechanical face-worn gadget that transports the wearer to another place. In 1962, two decades after Weinbaum’s short story, “The Sensorama” was released to the public. It was an arcade-like box designed so that the viewer could place their head inside of it to watch a stereoscopic film and have wind blown on their face and smells delivered to their nose. At the time it was called “Experience Theater.”

1968 was a pivotal year for VR. Ivan Sutherland, a professor of computer science at the University of Utah, with a team developed “The Sword of Damocles,” a head-mounted display which hung suspended from the ceiling of the lab’s office. It covered the wearer’s eyes and allowed them to enter a spatial computing reality with interactive graphics. It was what many recognize as the first true demo of VR. It was a technical and artistic breakthrough. 

“The Sword of Damocles” might have made a deeper impression on the public if it were not for Douglas Englebart’s “Mother of all Demos,” presented that very same year. The leader of the highly influential Stanford Research Institute, Engelbart pioneered the field of human-computer interaction. Over the course of 90 minutes on a sunny day in San Francisco, Englebart showed an audience of computer scientists the first ever demo of what would become many of the key elements of personal computing: video conferencing, windowed interfaces, real-time collaborative text editing, and even the mouse. 

Ideas from the landmark demo trickled throughout Silicon Valley. Researchers at Xerox PARC developed a compelling Englebartian computer interface which Apple famously later stole and used to release its first all-in-one personal computer with an integrated flat display. And so the world went the way of the screen.

Since then, VR has sustained a series of commercial failures. VR did, however, find some niche footholds in academia, the arts, and the military. In the ‘80s, the Air Force started using VR to train its pilots in flight simulators. But the technology, which often made people literally nauseous, failed to gain real traction with the public. In 1995 Nintendo released the Virtual Boy, a low-tech VR headset. It flopped, and a year later, the company discontinued the product.

Today, despite some technological advances and minor inroads in the gaming market, we are in the midst of what pundits lament as a “VR Winter.” HTC and Facebook’s Oculus, the big brands behind modern VR software and hardware, have cut R&D spending as their gadgets continue to underperform.

Still, despite VR’s history of market failures, generations of artists and educators have nourished the ideological vision behind the technology. In 1975, Myron Kruguer exhibited his “VIDEOPLACE” work, which demonstrated what a shared virtual reality could feel like. In 1977, Michael Naimark led the “Aspen Moviemap” project, an early precursor to what we can think of now as Google Street View. Contemporarily, Rachel Rossin creates interactive works, like “The Sky is a Gap,” which experiments with mapping time, space, and room-scale tracking together to provide commentary on the changing nature of digital space. 

Like these artists, Ivan Sutherland understood early on—even before inventing the Sword of Damocles—that just being in VR had a profoundly immersive effect on the person wearing the headset. At the end of a 1965 essay, Sutherland wrote, “The ultimate display would, of course, be a room within which the computer can control the existence of matter. Handcuffs displayed in such a room would be confining, and a bullet displayed in such a room would be fatal. With appropriate programming such a display could literally be the Wonderland into which Alice walked.”


In 1987, the psychonaut Terrence McKenna gave a lecture at the Earth Trust Benefit in LA in which he described an embodied mode of communication. Human language for him was a “meta-linguistic system,” abstracted from the genetically based communication system apparent in all life. McKenna also had an interest in VR, which came from his belief that it could bring humans one step closer to the low frequency vibrations of this more foundational communication system. To him, the octopus was the prime example of an un-abstracted communication being. An octopus, he said, communicates with its entire body, through movement, and as it changes shape, color, and texture: “The octopus is its own syntax. It doesn’t generate its own syntax. It becomes syntax. The mind of an octopus is worn on its surface… it operationally is a naked mind.”

In 2018, I joined a VR software company which was developing a peculiar tool. The tool allowed me to upload 360-degree videos into a headset which I could then manipulate with a set of hand controllers. I could rotate the world, drag objects in space, pause time, all by pointing, gesturing, and looking, without taking off the headset. 

Editing this world in VR with my entire body felt like “becoming my own syntax.” There was no translation between thought and effect—just effect. This is a special feeling and I don’t think there’s a good enough word in the Oxford English Dictionary to describe it. I propose the term “ingenic,” a portmanteau of interior genesis, or creation from within, to describe this phenomenon.

  • Content that is ingenic has been generated in the same medium of its consumption.
  • Creating ingenically means generating content in the same medium in which it will be consumed.

If I use a VR app like Gravity Sketch, which allows a designer to “paint” a sculpture in 3D, and I hand off that sculpture for someone else to view in a headset, that’s ingenic. If I film a movie in VR, edit it in VR, and premiere it for my friends in VR, that’s ingenic. If I perform live music for an audience in VR, that’s ingenic. 

Ingenic implies its opposite: exgenic. Exgenic, or exterior genesis, is a type of content created in a different medium than its consumption. Today most of the media we encounter is produced in another medium: iPhone apps coded on desktop computers, digital movies scanned from celluloid film, and analog music compressed and streamed over Spotify servers. 

In the age of the internet, the nomadic and remixable quality of exgenic content is what makes it valuable. To illustrate this, media theorist Lev Manovich chronicled how visual media gains value as it is imported and exported across software in his 2006 essay, aptly titled “Import/Export.” “[The] ‘import’ and ‘export’ commands of graphics, animation, video editing, compositing and modeling software are historically more important than the individual operations these programs offer,” Manovich writes. Imagine how much less useful Photoshop would be if you could only draw images within the program, and could not import JPEGs, PNGs, GIFs, TIFFs, and dozens of other file formats. Photoshop is useful precisely because it can accommodate a heterogeneous landscape of media.

Exgenic media is important because it enables the invention of entirely new mediums. Indeed, the medium of recent VR itself comes from an import/export remix of a diversity of hardware and software. Mass-produced and cheap smartphone components (gyroscopes, accelerometers, high-resolution and high-framerate LCDs), combined with spatial tracking software and 3D game engines, have enabled the recent delivery of consumer VR headsets.

Manovich’s import/export model describes the mode of exgenic media: exgenic media is media in motion. It is “transmedia,” as theorist Henry Jenkin calls it. It is media perpendicular, inverted, and parallel to its varied neighbors. Exgenic media is a messy desktop, files strewn up, down, left, and right.


The personal computer with a flat monitor is an optimal exgenic machine. A screen is a map and provides a distanced as-a-God perspective that allows for easier comingling of disparate elements. “What if I combined this PNG on the left with that JPEG on the right?” The mode of being in an exgenic media landscape is that of remix.

The central metaphor of the 21st century is the internet, the network. The internet metaphor has propagated through our language like a virus. Spam, branch, stream, are all real-world nouns transformed into internet-speak verbs. Cloud, mining, crash, leak, bit, freeze, web—all mechanomorphisms. Vice versa, language from internet-speak has made its way into everyday language: algorithm, bandwidth, and data.

As we spend more time in VR and other comprehensive media, our vocabulary and metaphors may be altered. Some common terms used in the VR industry today are degrees of freedom, parallax, field of view, haptics, co-location, immersion, embodiment. These terms all are sensory.

The VR headset is the optimal ingenic machine. VR is spatial, rather than screen-based. There is a general shape to a screen—rectangular—which allows us to pinpoint areas via a coordinate grid—up, down, left, right. But as the architect Buckminster Fuller noted in his 1969 book Utopia or Oblivion, in a spatial reality, “there is no shape.” He scolded MIT scientists for using such delusional, conditioned, and anti-scientific terminology as “up” or “down” when, he claimed, there is neither direction nor shape to space. Space, Fuller insisted, required a base observation that there is only an “omnidirectional conceptual ‘out’ and the specifically ‘directioned conceptual in.’”

Perhaps the central metaphor of the next century is the body. VR, and other ingenic media, recenters the body to replace the network as the central metaphor.  Import/export is an extension of self into the relation between multiple tools. Ingenic is a willing extension of the self into the direct experience of one tool—it allows the self to become its own syntax. Ingenic media rids itself of a coordinate grid of ups and downs, and cultivates a bodily experience instead. Ingenic creation brings the computer inside our bubble of consciousness; an extension of ourselves, rather than us an extension of it.


Ingenic media has three phenomenological properties. The first is flow. In the ‘70s, the psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi described flow as “a state in which people are so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter.”

In The Digital Plenitude, Jay David Bolter applies Csikszentmihalyi’s theory of flow to new digital media. For Bolter, flow can be induced in what he calls “passive media.” Going down a YouTube rabbit hole and watching videos back-to-back until 3 AM is a passive form of flow. However, he observes that the greater flow experience comes from within “active media” or high-engagement activities, like playing video games. Csikszentmihalyi himself cites very active media like rock climbing, playing tennis, or playing piano as allowing the participant to achieve a deep and near spiritual level of flow.

Seen through Bolter’s lens, ingenic media is a highly active media. VR literally brackets your senses and defocuses distractions. When you are deep into the flow of VR, “nothing else seems to matter.” Have you seen those videos of people in headsets ducking to avoid a projectile in their VR video game but slamming into their dresser in real life? That reaction happens because of flow.


Flow produces the second property of ingenic media: self-elimination. While flowing, you enter the reality distortion field of the activity. Distanced objectivity is lost when you are in the thick of things.

The artist Hito Steyerl observes a similar effect in a lecture titled “Bubble Vision.” Her thesis is that the emblem of the bubble represents a new paradigm of technology which is eliminating the human subject. One of the bubbles is 360-degree VR video. In the VR bubble, “the viewer is absolutely central, but at the same time, he or she is missing from the scene.” This is true. In nearly all VR apps today, if I were to look straight down at my body, it would be gone—eliminated! For Steyerl, the body-less state of VR indicates a loss of the human subject. 

This is where Steyerl and I part ways. If flow is a way to find yourself, and flow makes one feel that “nothing else matters,” then “elimination” is also the act of finding oneself. When you are in flow you lose a sense of your body. You don’t catch the football, your body does. You don’t play the piano, your body does. You don’t sculpt in VR, your body does. 

When you are in flow, playing your sport, instrument, video game, or reading, watching, or listening, then you are unaware of yourself. You have eliminated yourself. But are you not your zenith self when you were doing these activities? 

Flow is thus an oscillation between destruction of the sense of self and a heightened sense of self. It’s an oscillation which breaks down the dichotomy between you and the object of the activity. What’s left is only an awareness of experience as such.


Wilmot, the man who existed over a week in VR, lived ingenically, to say the least. When he took off his headset he experienced the diametric opposite of flow and the third (and final) phenomenological property of ingenic meida: re-alienation.

In theater this is called the V-effect, or distancing effect. This moment of rupture makes the audience critically aware of the reality they inhabit day-to-day. One thing that ingenic media is particularly effective at is establishing the conditions for this V-effect—or alienation. Any medium which induces higher flow also introduces the higher potential to fall back to reality. The return to reality is a re-alienation because it refreshes what was once familiar. 

For Jaron Lanier re-alienation is what makes VR special. Lanier is a scientist and artist essential to the field of VR. It was he who actually coined the term “virtual reality” back in 1987, and he has since arrived at a lot of outwardly counterintuitive opinions about the technology. One of these counterintuitive opinions is that VR headsets should remain ugly. By ugly, he means he wants to keep the headsets looking like a gadget that sticks madly out from your face. 

A dangerous VR headset for Lanier would be invisible. Without a clear distinction between VR and reality, then the whole point of VR is lost. If it were invisible, it would be impossible to achieve the beautiful breakage from virtual reality back into reality. For Lanier the breakage back is what makes the technology of VR so magical.

Lanier is hardly the first to play with this concept. In Being and Time, Martin Heidegger developed the concept “readiness-to-hand,” which describes a basic way that humans exist in the world through, for example, the use of tools. Heidegger describes a person who uses a hammer. As they hammer away at a task, the hammer integrates with their flow of the task and the dichotomy between the person and hammer dissipates.

Like Lanier, Heidegger highlights an inflection point, which he calls un-readiness-to-hand. This occurs when flow is broken. A flow might break because the hammer itself malfunctions and physically breaks. In these moments when the hammer breaks, it reveals something new and re-alien about the hammer, and also reveals something re-alien about our “average everydayness,” the part of existence that is normally invisible to us.


Given present currents in politics and technology, it seems likely that eventually, one medium will subsume all others, and all media will be under one roof, in what one could call a “media singularity.” 

We can see this trend today. Private corporations are building larger and larger proprietary media ecosystems. For instance, Apple hardware that requires Apple software to run. Apple continues to buy other companies, configuring the new tech to only work in their walled garden. Media streaming sites like Netflix, HBO, and Hulu are increasingly verticalizing and producing exclusive content which requires a user subscribe to an entire ecosystem of video just to watch one movie. Within software the advent of  “superapps”—apps with countless features—means we never have to switch apps. WeChat in China is used as the primary platform for social media, payments, news, transportation, and other daily activity. It effectively is the operating system of everyday life for a billion people. 

VR is the prime example of a technology that reflects an enlarging (and consolidating) media ecosystem. VR itself is an aggregate of many other technologies: cinema, video game engines, digital photography, surround sound, smartphones, social media. Those technologies themselves are aggregates of older technologies. For instance, cinema aggregates photography, animation, collage, chemistry, and painting. 

Each new technology that appears in the media ecosystem is an exgenic remix of multiple mediums. Each new technology is more comprehensive than the previous, as it carves out a greater volume of “inside” space in the medium to accommodate more ingenic activity. Over time, as the prevailing media theories go, one technology remains. Marshall McLuhan describes this final technology as the “final phase of the extension of man [sic]—the technological simulation of consciousness.” 

In 1922, the philosopher Pierre Teilhard de Chardin visualized a kind of “final phase of the extension of man” and called it the Noosphere, which translates literally to“mind sphere.” He described it as a sort of consciousness-sheath for the planet. It hovers above the atmosphere of the Earth in the form of a life-advanced mesh of pure thinking, communication, and ideas. It is media incarnate, materialized as a bubble, a sort of virtual twin of the Earth overlaid upon it. For Teilhard, the Noosphere was an evolved form of the Earth as a superorganism; it is part of a natural progression of a biosphere into a technosphere, and finally a “mind sphere.”

We already have hints at what this Noosphere could look like. Companies and governments alike are transforming the physical Earth into a unified operating system. For instance, PokemonGo parent company Niantic is generating an exact 3D map of the world from player-generated scans. The GIS continues to scan cities and landscapes at centimeter accuracy to simulate natural disasters, like flooding. Wearables like the FitBit track personal biometrics throughout the day. Machine-learned object detection is just beginning to taxonomize and label our system of things.

While still fractured and fragmented today the data across these platforms is beginning a long tedious journey of import/export into one another. Application Program Interfaces (APIs), Software Development Kits (SDKs), and open source licensing accelerate this import/export process, transfiguring the heaps of data into a gigamesh mirrorworld and into a media singularity.

In a media singularity we will flow. We will most certainly destroy ourselves, but we will also find ourselves. However, we can not assume this media singularity will re-alienate us. The uncontrollable scale of such a thing is daunting, terrifying, and raises questions. Who will benefit? Who will it hurt more? But if it is used as a tool and understood as an extension of ourselves, I believe we can actually guide it. This will require a conscious, collective effort to make VR headsets visible and ugly—and to equalize power within such an omnipresent media ecosystem. And, as with any extension of ourselves, we should always have the choice to amputate it. A media singularity could attune us to unmediated reality. It could act as our literary foil to reveal to us who we are. We just have to know how to take the headset off. ▩


Bandcamp: 2020 Mangoprism Person Of The Year

The music streaming model is broken. Bandcamp offers a better way to consume music and support artists

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP307 Person of the Year

Dec 29, 2020


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When I accidentally deleted my 15,000-song MP3 library six years ago, there was only one logical rebound: Spotify, the music streaming platform that offered instant access to millions of songs and the promise that such a tragedy would never again befall me. 

Since then, Spotify has become a Death Star, a streaming titan with 320 million global subscribers, a 36% market share (double any of its competitors), and an obscenely low payout rate that hovers around four tenths of one cent per stream—among the industry’s worst. The Swedish company is not yet profitable, but it is powering the music industry’s recent resurgence. According to the RIAA, revenue from recorded music in the United States increased by double digits every year between 2015 and 2019; in that span, the proportion of streaming revenue ballooned from 34% to 80%.

Still, it has become increasingly apparent that the streaming model is fundamentally broken as a way to fairly compensate artists for their work. By restricting artist revenue streams, most notably touring, the COVID-19 pandemic has cast a light on how little working musicians actually receive from streaming royalties. In May, the popular British classical violinist Tasmin Little (monthly listeners: 848K) tweeted that she had received £12.34 for half a year’s worth of Spotify streams. Earlier this month, the moderately successful rap trio clipping. (monthly listeners: 341K) tweeted, “this was the first quarter as a band where our Spotify royalty payments totaled about as much as our three personal Spotify subscriptions.” Last month, Spotify announced yet another mechanism for fleecing musicians: “Discovery Mode,” which offers lower royalties in exchange for an algorithmic boost.

By contrast, Bandcamp, the music marketplace geared towards indie acts, has gone out of its way to support artists in 2020. Beginning in late March, the company waived its revenue share on one day each month; these “Bandcamp Fridays” considerably raised Bandcamp’s profile and generated $40 million in sales that went directly to artists and labels. Bandcamp recently announced that it will continue the program through at least May 2021.

Even before this year, Bandcamp had earned a reputation for being artist friendly. Organized around MP3, physical media, and merch sales, the company takes a 10-15% revenue share and pays out within 24 to 48 hours. (For some perspective, iTunes took 30-35% and licensed music rather than sold it.) Its editorial site, Bandcamp Daily, is the internet’s best discovery-minded music publication; I can attest that they pay writers well (40-45 cents per word.)

Bandcamp’s actions this year to assist musicians weren’t extraordinary, but they were significant because they helped to put the abject failures of the streaming model in sharp relief. Part of the reason per-stream royalties are so hard to pin down is that artists aren’t actually paid per stream on Spotify and other streaming platforms, but rather receive a minuscule, proportional slice of a predetermined royalty pie. This is tyranny. Bandcamp is proof that there is a better way to pay artists for their labor.

The truth is that the Bandcamp model can benefit consumers as well as artists. There is a difference between streaming a song and listening to that same song in the form of an MP3, FLAC, vinyl, or CD that you bought. I believe that rebuilding my digital and physical music library over the course of the coming years and decades will give me a more meaningful relationship with both the music and the artists that made it. Last week, I pulled the plug on my Spotify premium subscription. For now, I’m a free agent.

Streaming is broken, but it can theoretically be fixed in a way that works for artists. TIDAL and Napster respectively pay about three and five times more per stream than Spotify. Resonate, a musician-owned co-op that cuts out the middleman and employs a pay-to-play concept, shells out 50% more per stream than Spotify. Entertainment lawyer Henderson Cole conceived the idea for a socialized streaming platform called the American Music Library, “a government-controlled music streaming service that anyone can access for free, similar to the public library system.” These are legitimate, ambitious ideas. For now though, Mangoprism is declaring Bandcamp its 2020 Person of the Year: for doing its duty to help musicians get paid during the pandemic; for valuing financial transparency and fairness; for showing that there is a viable alternative to streaming; and for laying the foundation for a significant and necessary cultural shift in the way musicians transact with their fans. ▩

Runners-up: Pop Smoke; BFB Da Packman; Ted Allen; Michaela Coel; the All Gas No Brakes guy.


DISCLOSURE/UPDATE: Six months after leaving Spotify for TIDAL, I have dumped TIDAL for Spotify.


What Happened at the Reunion

A piece of flash fiction

by

Jillian B. Briglia

Season Categories Published
MP306 Fiction

Dec 15, 2020


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It was the hottest day of the year. August air shimmered above the dirt like hot oil. A line of cars crawled up the road towards the house. The cats lounged in trees, tails wilting and curling like fern fronds. Silos in the distance stood silently, reflecting sun like upturned mirrors. No one noticed the grandmothers, sent to the backyard to shuck corn in a circle of thirteen chairs.

There were more of us than wheat stalks in the surrounding fields. We went on like multiplication tables, a self-generating hive of great-aunts and grandfathers and nieces swarming all the way to the shores of Lake Erie. Names buckled and disappeared under the weight of tradition for decades at a time, only to resurface with distant cousins struck by the thought they’d invented something impossibly classic and novel. Our mailboxes grew swollen with handwritten notes for baby showers, school plays, anniversaries, an endless parade of greeting card milestones until they became our currency and in person gatherings became less frequent. We could never attend all the funerals. Only the reunions remained.

The mothers wanted gin. The fathers retreated to the cool darkness of the wood-paneled basement. The babies slept on the mustard shag carpet under the clinking fan. We danced around aunt Ruth and her flat gaze, snapped the screen door shut on the back porch. We avoided cousin Peter. His laugh, loud and desperate; his shoulders, eagerly curved towards ears; the way he trailed underfoot, sticking onto our trouser legs like burdock. Our dislike percolated through the younger cousins like bags of tea in the sun, darkening the pitcher until it clouded black. The adults fanned out under the dogwood trees, eating butter corn and grilled snapper. Fat white kernels like milk teeth littered the tablecloth, drying into husks under the sun. 

Dark sky steeped down the horizon while the adults spoke of the harvest, the wolves, Beau—the boy with blue eyes in all of the photographs. The cousins from the West watched fireflies spark over the lawn with O mouths. Our mothers ignored the dishes, dipped their brown feet in the creek. They snuck back into the kitchen, raided the ice box, melted salty cubes between their breasts. In the late orange sun, the windows of the house looked like they were on fire. We stole the whiskey from behind the colony of rabbit hutches, waited for something to happen. For someone to ride the belt, climb the ladder, kiss. The wheat rustled like a long skirt. We went to the barn where Peter told us he hid the gun. We marched the perimeter between field and forest, falling over with shouts. Bang! went the barn door behind us.

It was late, late in the evening when we realized the grandmothers were missing. The grandfathers napping in recliners dreamed of rabbit screams and paper mills. The adults grabbed flashlights. Roused from the hayloft, we saw beams of light crisscrossing through the pink flesh of our eyelids. Heard the straw crunching under their feet. Tried to remember where they had last been seen. Had we ever really looked them in the eye? Where did they spend the hours of their long, unhurried days? We could remember the texture of their hands like thin-stretched dough smuggling cellophane candies into our pockets, gripping the backs of chairs they passed, fingers fluttering like moths around their collarbones. The mothers retraced their steps, frantic, searching for different women than the ones we were. While we remembered only hands and fingers, in the mothers’ minds the grandmothers’ skin smoothed, hair darkened growing thick around the crown, spines straightened as if pulled by a string from the top of their head, eyes cleared, minds unforgetting their grandchildren’s birthdays and the streets they grew up on—until the mothers’ gaze was blinded by their memories. 

Now we ran, slower than the children but faster than the adults, through the fields, along the rows, throughout the house, but it was Peter who found the grandmothers. We found him in the backyard, standing in silence, staring at a circle of thirteen birch trees, the pale green underbellies of their leaves winking at us in the cold light of our flashlight beams. ▩


You Are The State

A piece of short fiction

by

Nadir Ovcina

Season Categories Published
MP303 Fiction

Nov 03, 2020


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I received an invitation for a field trip to the village where the Communist Party sent Xi Jinping, at the age of 16, to be re-educated for seven years. The opportunity came free of cost, courtesy of the “Foreign Scholars” department of the university that employed me. But several elements of the invitation stuck out.

First, the e-vite was sent out Tuesday at 11 a.m., and the deadline to accept or decline was 5 p.m. that same day. The itinerary included in the invitation was a digitally scanned PDF in handwritten Chinese. Neither I nor Google Translate could decipher any details about the journey. 

Recently, the party had also been actively targeting universities for “Extreme Displays of Hospitality.” Former teachers in my program promised elaborate buffets and gratis luxury trips, but I arrived at an auspicious time. As Chairman, Xi received acclaim for his early victories against China’s “Tigers and Flies”—tigers being oligarchs and high-level officials profiteering off their party stature, and flies the low-level cadres emulating the higher-ups by allegedly syphoning off taxpayer funds for selfish ends. In years prior, State-sponsored feasts, replete with generous portions of sorghum liquor, were the norm, but now they became synonymous with shady backroom deals. According to the Chairman, any such social situations were a key battleground in the fight for party purity. Now, banquets and the like were strictly forbidden, which made me suspicious. Was this free three day field trip, in the middle of a teaching week, not motivated by a spirit of hospitality?

I signed up for the trip. So did the Mormon couples, another teacher from the same liberal arts exchange program of our alma mater, and a Mexican Spanish-language teacher. 

Yan’an, our destination, was hideously grey and cold, yet retained a mythical aura about it—a reflection of the area’s importance during the Second World War. Mao and his reds, having survived the Long March, in tatters but still unified, settled into Yan’an, transforming the area into the party headquarters and applying Mao’s principles in the context of a micro-state. Division of land was first on the agenda, rectifying people, second. For years, the area was surrounded by the Japanese, and intermittently, by the KMT forces of Chiang Kai-Shek. But Yan’an’s mountainous geography gave the fledgling Chinese Communist Party cover, enabling the comrades to survive several difficult years of encirclement. 

This history made the city a destination for present-day party pilgrims, as immediately became clear upon our arrival. The university hosting us had become a pitstop for members striving for promotion. It provided a two-week seminar that involves logical history and logical lessons on the development of Communism with Chinese characteristics. This seminar conferred party cred. Mostly middle-aged, the ambitious apparatchiks all walked from place to place carrying pastel colored portable chairs. We watched them as they marched to dinner.

Our welcome banquet was hosted by Zach, our tour guide for the weekend. An excellent fellow, Zach was a walking encyclopedia of the area. We ate and drank in excess. Eventually, Zach started to talk about politics, prompting one Mormon gentleman to ask about the recent constitutional changes that effectively granted Xi an indefinite reign. Zach was critical of the move, and even my school representative chimed in with a dark joke.

“There was a shopkeeper who loyally kept a portrait of the chairman perfectly aligned each day in his shop,” she said. “One day, however, there was an earthquake, and the portrait fell upside down. When a soldier came to help assess the damage, he noticed the upside-down portrait, and angrily arrested the shopkeeper.” 

But as Zach ratcheted up his criticisms, the representative grew visibly concerned. For many Chinese, the abolition of term limits, intended to “preserve Xi Jinping Thought,” was the ultimate betrayal of Deng Xiaoping’s reforms after the Cultural Revolution. Whether people said it or not, many Chinese saw the spectre of a Mao-like leader, commanding reverence even as dementia set in. 

I steered the conversation towards more rosy developments. After the banquet, my school’s representative whispered in my ear, “I don’t agree with any of what he said.” 

The first morning, we went to see the caves where the party leaders lived during the siege days. While we only got a cursory tour, we watched the pilgrims pause at most stops (Mao’s first cave dwelling, Mao’s second cave dwelling, etc), chairs in tow. Children from a local school, the Young Pioneers in Yan’an, stood at each “landmark,” delivering memorized lectures to us and the pilgrims. The most awe-inducing structure was a ramshackle hall not unlike a settler’s church, pew included, where the People’s Republic of China was proclaimed into existence. In the evening we went to the hotels and drank BaiJiu, sorghum liquor—a mistake, it would turn out, as Zack woke us at 5 a.m. to begin our journey to the site of Xi’s personal reformation. (During the Cultural Revolution, Red Guards causing havoc in the cities were shipped to the fields for re-education. Xi was one such Red).  Our convoy came to the security checkpoint at the village’s outskirts, where I waited as authorities cross-checked my passport along every imaginable database for subversives. After being cleared, we were escorted to the central square. 

The village museum was populated mostly with a gallery of Xi sightings, with some identical pictures mounted in multiple corners. I wondered why the curators considered empty space more embarrassing than repeat pictures. The museum also displayed a graph showing a steady rise in average income, with a massive spike in 2012, the year Xi became Chairman. 

We and the marchers were taken on a comprehensive tour through this village. Each stop on our tour featured an anecdote involving Xi. I envied the marchers’ chairs, but not their imperative to furiously take notes on how the leader ate apples under this tree in this very spot. I found the tour excruciatingly boring, half-expected the guide to highlight Xi’s preferred outhouse. But a student from my university who had accompanied us was deeply moved by the scenes. She came from a village just like this one, and seeing its development gave her hope in the future of China—and the fortunes of her family. Maybe Xi’s successor would be sent to her village for some class re-education, so that village, too, could prosper.

I was particularly moved by one story. During his re-education, Xi became well respected in the village, and so one day the locals decided to pool in their funds to buy Xi a car, the first in town. Xi, embodying the communist ideal, decided to break the car down and use the engine as the basis for a noodle-making machine, one that everyone in the village could enjoy. 


My own re-education started soon after the field trip, as I left my teaching job and returned home to Oregon. Increasingly, America resembled China. The Coronavirus had catalyzed a burgeoning State’s Rights movement to consolidate State power. Capitalizing on widespread fears of libertarian-minded anti-maskers, the Socialism with Chinese Characteristics Adapted for American Circumstances Party swept the 2024 United States election on the promise of Freedom from Speech. Now, the State had successfully contained the virus in the Western Hemisphere, and with most anti-maskers converted or “isolated,” it was moving on to its next enemy. 

One day I received a text: 

Hello! We are reaching out to you to inform you that we know you were a follower of Trump. While we respect the past views of all humans, since the future demands cooperation unlike any other in our planet’s history, we must unite! If you participate in a re-education course, sponsored by the Confucius Institute, any past mistakes will be forgotten! If you don’t, we will still educate you! But we will remember your hesitation to willingly participate!

Respond: I mean, I followed @TheRealDonaldTrump, not the man himself…

My objections were no use. And I was conscripted into “Socialism with Chinese Characteristics Adapted For American-Capitalist Mindsets Reeducation Class.” I complied, wrote my essays, established my daily rhythms. 

One day after class I returned to an empty house, perfect for some VR lovemaking. Strapping on the visor is a rare lux. The level of immersion means each sense, typically attuned to signs of intrusion, can focus on the sensual. Walk-in terror plagues traditional self-pleasure. Ears need to be perked, eyes ever-so peripherally vigilant for any suspicious door-handle movements. But when the visor’s strap can be whipped out, when you know no one else is gonna be coming, in or out, it’s bliss.

Booted up, I realized I still haven’t updated the software to include the Situation Creation Program. Kinda creepy, the ability to scan a photo and render your fantasy-partner into a sexy 3D puppet, a threshold I’m not willing to cross yet. 

I wonder if I’ve been made a fantasy-victim, that’d be kinda cool. 

The phone beeped.

“Congratulations! You have been noticed! As an acknowledgement of your existence, you are hereby invited to the Pan-National Information Output Bureau’s Provincial Offices. Given the sensitive nature of this announcement, you are expressly forbidden from forwarding this e-vite to any other citizens. Please reply with ‘yes!’” 

I did not generally seek to be “noticed.” Presumably someone had read my latest essay, “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Big Brother,” having intercepted it in transit to the teacher’s inbox. But the text said “you,” not “your work,” as in me, I’m being noticed, brewing worry. 

Under rule of The Socialism with Chinese Characteristics Adapted for American Circumstances Party, the cameras were virtually everywhere, so the only real way to maintain “anonymity” was by offering your body to the State’s gaze, 24/7. Only if you weren’t “seen” by one of the million CCTV’s would the State start looking for you specifically. But being watched is different than being noticed. Soon after the Party took power, someone strolling down a city block could look up to find faces displayed on LED screens mounted on each building’s surface. The State implemented the practice to shame jaywalkers, replaying the security camera footage of the criminal in question on all surrounding screens.

But the State’s new method was more sinister.  Now the screens displayed faces, but with no context, no crime. These faces brought profound pedestrian unease. Was this person a hero or a villain? What were us law-abiders supposed to do if we saw them in real life? 

“I have questions”—send.

“Please reply with: yes!”

“Yes!”—send.

“Congratulations! You have been noticed! As an acknowledgement of your willingness to co-exist with the State, you are hereby entitled to know more details!”

I was summoned to a cubicle on The National Information Output Bureau’s fourth floor. The building was a T, each floor dedicated to its own truth. The fourth was for “Entertaining Truth.”

“So what’s the gig?”

“You’ll be part of the team for The State Is You, our new outreach platform. Our partners in Military Intelligence developed a world-wide override on all satellite feeds, and in effect this means we can interrupt any screen’s display—E-books, phones, laptops, VRs, anything—and broadcast an emergency message, in the case of jihadi nuclear apocalypse. 

“The State wants to test the override, so they’ve decided to make a mandatory program from 5:30-6:00 across all platforms. At half past five, every day, we will show an informational, educational, and entertaining set of clips all in the hopes of inspiring our citizens to continue their cooperation with the State.”

“Propaganda?”

“Exactly!”

“Cool, I’m excited, what’s my role?”

“You’ll be in charge of producing the clips of citizens in your district zone. We want dailies of average citizens, normal people, in a segment that will be titled “Who’s the State?” How are they adapting to de-nationalization? How worried are they about global jihad?”

“Quick Q: normal?”

“We are looking for interesting stories, so don’t rule out any non-conformists. We want their voices heard. And their retina’s scanned. Sound good?”

“Swell.”

I smiled and signed the contract. On my way out I passed by a beggar. He had no sign: appeals to charity could be interpreted as accusing the government of negligence. But his eyes pleaded. His message was clear. 

My first assignment began with an email from Nasty Ice agreeing to meet up. Ricky was a middle-school acquaintance who I liked for his utter ignorance of the fact that he was white, color-blind to the fullest. 

We drifted after 8’th grade, when his father got arrested, double homicide over a sour deal. It was fun to see his burgeoning rap efforts on Facebook through the years though, as he rotated through pen-names like Honky Fire and White Surprise (he woke after Ferguson), before settling on Nasty Ice. The key to objective reporting: let interviewee feel no judgement. Let them be comfortable. Lull them into speaking with no reservations. How to do that? Giggle at everything they say, smile, show you get them. What you giggle at though, whether mocking or in agreement with what’s said, that’s up to you. You could be in on a whole different joke, but who’s to know? 

“So why Nasty Ice?”

“Well, it’s two things. First, it’s like a legacy thing to the OG Vanilla. You know, I gotta pay my respects to the greats, Em, Mac, both Miller and ‘klemore, both of em, all of em! So yeah, I got the reverence shit on lock, but I also just like my Natty Ice. You know, they got their forties, I’m trying to get Natty up as our drink d’jure. I thought, I’m getting big now, pretty big, but White Surprise don’t got no product attached to it. And I’m sitting there, drinking my Natty, and I’m like, damn, Natty got no celeb sponsor. So I make myself Nasty Ice, cause my spit nasty, and I think I can get this sponsorship thing happening, you know, we gonna be on cans, commercials, everything. That’s that, that’s Nasty Ice.”

“Well, you’re already sponsored by the State. Can you explain what it means to be a state-sponsored rapper?”

“Oh yeah man, the State! They been hooking it up, all the drugs I want, everything, alls I gotta do is mention some vocab they got on a list, and bam, I get on USTV 4 every two hours. You see my new song, “Comply or Die?” Nah? They wanted some tune to promote the gun confiscation program, so you got me and all these police shooting up rednecks in the video. You know, it’s not g, but I don’t really care, long as the money there.”

“You also got a song titled ‘Sand-N-word-Killa’, do you have any reservations on that word?”

“Whats wrong with sand-nigga? I’m not using that Voldemort word, this a whole other word. This one dashed. Whole other word. Plus the State told me that these anti-Muslim lyrics help encourage the whites to join the State’s Terror War.”

“War on Terror?”

“Same shit. Look, I’m Muslim too, praise be to Allah, but fuck it, I’ll say what I want if I get money for saying it.”

“You’re cool with me quoting you, yeah?”

“I don’t give a fuck, but what’s this for anyway?” ▩


Fremdschämen No More

My humorous Parisian life

by

Celia Gurney

Season Published
MP302

Oct 20, 2020


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It was 2015. I needed a job and wanted out of Seattle after growing up and going to college in the same six-mile bubble. The solution came via a post on a neighborhood blog: FRENCH FAMILY SEEKS AU PAIR. A woman named Valérie needed someone to watch her seven-year-old twins in Paris. The au pair would take French classes at the Sorbonne and live in a separate dorm-style room in the family’s apartment building in the heart of the city. Food, a cell phone plan, health insurance and a metro card would be provided.

A brand new life without having to do any of the boring parts of setting up a new life?! I was sold! After a couple of Skype calls to be reasonably sure it wasn’t an elaborate human trafficking scheme, I applied for my visa and booked a one-way flight to Charles de Gaulle. For the next 15 months, I forged a new life against the backdrop of my old one, mingling the lessons conferred by each and adjusting their ratios to create a cocktail of my own design. 

This process began in the apartment where I now lived and worked. Valérie and her partner Yann were younger than my parents and in a committed civil union, but unmarried. (Umm, romantic much??) I was mesmerized by Valérie’s collections of work-appropriate jumpsuits, books from a past life in publishing, pastel bottles of creams and lotions jostling for space on the bathroom counter. She thought pansexuality was beautiful and that an apartment without music was “sad.” She gave toasts! On Sundays, Yann closed the kitchen door, turned the radio up and made soups, quiche or crème caramel. He disapproved of the way I said “mmhmm” instead of opening my mouth to say yes. We bonded over Saturday Night Live and at Christmas dinner, he made his teenage nieces and nephew laugh till they cried at the far end of the table.

The twins, Adèle and Héloïse, were climbing all over me within minutes of my arrival. They were identical, with big brown eyes, the kind of full brows Glossier claims it can give you, and wavy, walnut-colored hair that formed rats’ nests if you looked away for too long. Big emotions bubbled out of their compact, wiry bodies: giddiness when we counted cars in a traffic jam, indignance when I confiscated a ball of Silly Putty they’d decorated with shards of broken glass.

Adèle once explained with a world-weary sigh that she had wanted to be a stylist when she grew up—until she realized her sister would be “saving the world” as a veterinarian. Héloïse so ardently believed Peaches the woolly mammoth should have married Ethan instead of Julian in Ice Age 5 that she wrote a letter to Pixar about it. They had already had American au pairs for years and sounded like native English speakers. With each other though, they broke into high-speed French, entering a universe all their own that was impervious to interruption by adults or oncoming traffic. They required hawk-like supervision on sidewalks. 

When I was in elementary school, I achieved autonomy over my homework by proactively doing it before getting back to whichever YA fantasy novel I was sure to finish by bedtime. I was also really unpleasant to anyone who tried to help. Thus, it was generally from a safe distance that my parents encouraged me to do my best.

Adèle and Héloïse were as obsessed with books as I’d been, but firmly eschewed the work-before-play model. They had to be coaxed from the toilet, where they’d linger reading as long as they could, to the coffee table to do their homework. Once they were there, it was an interactive—and even physical!—activity. One time I was reading Adèle vocabulary words to spell while she did a headstand facing the couch. A few words in she lost her balance and fell backwards, screaming as her nose crunched up against the base and started pouring blood. Valérie and Yann reviewed the kids’ homework every night and chided them for misspellings and messy handwriting. Valérie’s mom, a retired lawyer who visited from Normandy every month or so, devised additional exercises for them to do as she whipped up crêpes and financiers for their snack.

Beyond my commitments to the twins, I constructed a social life and strove to improve my deficient French. When I spoke to locals in the beginning, they mostly responded in English. Maybe they were just excited to practice with a native speaker, but they might as well have said, “You sound terrible and I can barely understand you.” At my friend Marion’s game nights, I’d move around a lot so that no single person had to spend their entire evening talking about things I had the vocabulary to discuss: hometowns, food, siblings. There was definitely a time where I didn’t understand we were in the middle of a serious geopolitical discussion and piped up to ask Baptiste what his favorite color was.

It was a hectic time. I thought back on high school and college when I was juggling school, work, extracurriculars, dating and friendship—how my parents often told me I was doing too much and needed to slow down. That’s one of my family’s values: not being too busy. We always relished days with no time constraints, where a garage sale would lure neighbors to our garden for coffee and donuts, which would turn into afternoon drinks, which would turn into dinner. Any obligation that cut the flow short was a nuisance. Yet the further into adolescence I got, the more compartmentalized my days became. I developed a reputation for “always rushing off somewhere.” I felt guilty about it.

But as I got to know Valérie, I noticed she moved at my speed. She’d breeze in from work around seven, pour us each an Apérol spritz and give me her undivided attention while we caught up at the kitchen table. Twenty minutes later she’d unapologetically move on to something else, but the duration of our bonding sessions had no bearing on their value. When I was overwhelmed by how many things the girls and I had to do after school—homework, piano, English, bath, dinner—she offered tips for doing them more efficiently. Wash Adèle and Héloïse’s hair every three days instead of two. Use the steamer baskets to cook fish and broccoli at the same time. One evening I was heading off to an open mic and told her I hadn’t had time to practice. Instead of saying, “Well, you pack your days too full, honey!” she waved her hand as if to say not to worry and assured me I would practice on the way there.


It wasn’t the first time someone taught me how to wrangle a part of my life that had been vexing me. In ninth grade, I met my best friend Greta in sixth period choir. As we caught each other up on our entire lives that year (once, famously, behind a music stand that Ms. Burton furiously slammed down, revealing our chattering faces and firmly shutting us up, before continuing her lecture), I was struck by—and studied—the way Greta told stories. She made fun of herself constantly and cackled right along with me and whoever else was listening.

She also laughed a lot at other people’s stories, asking questions to underscore the funniest details and teasing the storytellers in this benevolent way that made it impossible for them to take themselves too seriously. Once I let it slip that I didn’t like showering and definitely didn’t do it every day. She called me Cavewoman for the rest of high school.

I used to get really embarrassed as a kid. Forgetting my clarinet on orchestra day made me burst into tears, and I wished I could sleep for a week after peeing my pants in front of my friend Tim. (Note: I actually peed next to him, but effectively on him. It happened in my family’s Volvo and the pee rolled right across the pleather backseat, soaking his jeans and probably his socks. Tim, a literal angel, had the good instincts to ignore reality and make pleasant nine-year-old small talk while my mom mopped him up with a sweatshirt.) 

I even felt outsized secondhand embarrassment for others. There’s a German word for that: fremdschämen. One afternoon when I was six, I was playing with a friend on the sidewalk outside my house. Partway through our game, we noticed a girl our age walking across the street with her parents. When the girl saw me, she waved enthusiastically and shouted, “Hi, Rachel!” After a moment she realized her mistake and said, “Oops, you’re not Rachel. Sorry!” then skipped off down the block, probably never to think of it again. I spent the rest of the day sobbing on her behalf. 

But in high school, I discovered that telling Greta about an embarrassing moment transformed it into a funny story. It not only inoculated me against all future embarrassment or fremdschämen associated with that moment, it crystallized a conversational centerpiece I could wield proactively! I controlled the narrative!!

That’s how, as high school went on, I became invincible. Getting pantsed in the hall, sneezing a huge snot bubble onto my arm, walking into a pole while casually chatting with an ex: these were stories for the story bank. I paid a lot of attention to funny women, mainly accessible to me via SNL since I didn’t have a computer. Kristen Wiig was my favorite. To be able to so fully inhabit characters as wide-ranging as the Target lady and an A-Hole buying a Christmas tree is simply unjust. 

I eventually learned that the women of SNL had all done improv. So, though I had never seen an improv show or so much as watched Whose Line Is It Anyway, I joined an improv team in college. In the beginning it was terrifying. I was used to memorizing lines, not making them up on the spot! I hated miming objects! Why couldn’t we have real props?! I felt like I had a finite number of characters: condescending English lady, nasally woman who pushes her glasses up her nose for emphasis, Regan MacNeil from The Exorcist. I burned through all of them in the first few weeks. I didn’t know how to track my own improvement, so instead I shouldered the anxiety that comes with taking perpetual shots in the dark. I had a hard time responding to the last thing said because I was trying to think ahead, or because I was distracted by roommate drama.

When improv is good, it’s magical. At its best, it feels like making eye contact with someone across the room and knowing you’re thinking the same thing, and wanting to laugh but having to hold it in because you’re in church or class, which makes the whole thing ten times funnier. At its worst, it can be excruciating. But regardless of how your scene is going, you have to maintain strict control over your brain. You are allowed to think about 1) what your scene partner just said/did and 2) what you’re going to say/do next. You are NOT allowed to think about how the audience feels about your “zombie crow” character or the way you mime grating cheese. It’s kind of like a chaotic version of meditation.

I’d arrived in Paris wanting to take improv classes, but didn’t like the show I saw at the only school with classes in English. So I found an open mic on Meetup.com and decided to become a stand-up comic. I started spending Thursday evenings in a tiny, cave-like smoking room in the basement of an Irish bar near Les Halles. The audience, mostly comics, sat on stools. There was the requisite creepy guy who joked about cheating on his wife.

On the improv team, I’d learned that “the specific is universal.” You could get a laugh at campus shows just by moisturizing with Jergens Natural Glow instead of lotion, or by setting a scene in Lois McDermott’s Psych 101 class. But in front of a largely French audience, most of my go-to specifics were useless. French people hadn’t gone through stereotypically American rites of passage like prom. “Jello salad” meant nothing to them. They had interacted with both children and Americans, however, so material about the kids I nannied or cultural differences between France and the United States was a safe bet. 

I liked responding to things the kids did as if adults had done them. Adèle used the mixed drink emoji in a text I let her send from my phone, which was clearly “a cry for help.” I compared making dinner for her and her sister to being a chef in a restaurant where you also had to bathe guests and then beg them to put underwear on. 

The formality of the French became a recurring theme in my shows. When you enter a group situation in France, you can’t just wave hello to everyone—that’s considered lazy. You’re supposed to cheek-kiss and say “Hello, [NAME],” to each person, which can really eat up a lot of time and derail whatever conversation was going on before you got there. Initially I found this ridiculous, I’d tell audiences. 

But then I imagined trying to explain the rules for American-style group greetings. “Okay, so you hug the people you know really well, shake hands with the people you’ve never met and wave to everyone else. But if you’re good friends with everyone except one person, just hug that person too so they don’t feel left out. Unless they seem like they’re not a hugger, in which case you can wave to them. Though you could just wave to everyone at once if that seems like that’s more the vibe…” We’re a mess.

The formality of the French language was fertile ground as well. When you translate French directly into English, it sounds pretentious. The way French people say “I’m looking at you” literally means “I regard you.” I gawked when Parisians in their 20s talked about wanting to faire l’amour (translation: make sweet love) without a trace of irony. And it wasn’t just their words that sounded flowery, but their rhetoric. While I’d heard American guys push for unprotected sex based on pure sensation, one French guy took a more philosophical approach: “You know een life, we ‘ave to take reesks…”

Years of bombing onstage with my improv team had beaten most of the embarrassment out of my body, and my days in France took care of the rest. Bombing as a stand-up comic felt more personal because I couldn’t chalk it up to an unlikeable character or something one of my teammates had done. If the audience didn’t laugh, it was because they didn’t think I was funny. Or more accurately, I learned to remind myself, they didn’t think my jokes were funny that night


One afternoon toward the end of the year, I waited for the girls outside their school gates under bright gray skies. The usual crowd of parents and nannies spilled off the sidewalk into the alley, some catching up with each other, some on their phones. I greeted the parents I knew: Inès’s mom, Éva and Chloé’s mom, Noémie’s dad. Then the front doors opened and dozens of laughing, shrieking children came pouring down the stairs. Parents waved and shouted names, trying to catch their kids’ eyes before they descended into the throng. The twins’ cartables—stiff, square-shaped backpacks that were almost like briefcases—got stuck on people and things as they fought their way to me. 

Adèle had forgotten her homework again, so as the crowd dispersed, we walked back up the steps to talk to her teacher. I always spoke English with the kids so they could practice, but I addressed Adèle’s teacher in French. She responded—in French! We chatted for a couple minutes, confirming that I understood everything Adèle was supposed to do that evening. 

But while we were talking, Adèle tugged on my arm, muttering about my accent and how she wanted to go. I put myself in her shoes for a second. She usually repelled embarrassment with this classic French gesture where you shrug, blow a truncated raspberry and raise one eyebrow at the same time as if to say, “So?” I liked the way things bounced off her. But here she was feeling embarrassed about being seen with someone who spoke French with an accent. She was probably also feeling fremdschämen. Her head retreated deeper into her faux fur hood. 

“Just a minute, Adèle,” I said.

I turned back to her teacher and finished the conversation. Then Adèle and I headed home with Héloïse to eat clementines and read The Magic Tree House. A few months later, I relocated to New York, a city with world-class improv where everyone moves at my speed. 

“There is No Concept”

My week at a Silicon Valley startup

by

North Bennett

Season Published
MP301

Oct 06, 2020


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A sunglassed man sings and bobs to Chinese pop music. A breeze ripples through his tie-dyed tiger t-shirt, swaying his grey sweatpants. The leaves behind him shake.

Disembodied hands dice a dill pickle, then dip it in chocolate and apply a light white drizzle. The treat is gifted to a child, who bites enthusiastically before twisting her face up in disgust. 

A golfer dangles a piece of food above an alligator’s snout. Tick Tock, the cartoon crocodile from Peter Pan, flutters up from the water. The alligator snaps and the man pulls his arm back. Text: He still has his hand!


I look up from my phone, and then back again, where another video has already begun: A baby’s sleeping face is pushed into itself (I dizzy) and is revealed to be silicone. I swipe for something else, for something sane, but can only find nonsense, hours and hours of nonsense, and before I can pull my headphones out to think another thought, the room tilts and I heave against my standing desk, my body staggering  among the straight lines of the white office space.

I am at work, I remember. It is my job to keep watching. As of yesterday, I am a member of the content team at the next big thing in short-form video, and I must understand what exactly it is that we do.


Ten of us began working at The Startup on the same day late in May, 2019. A table with name tag supplies greeted us, as did donuts and bagels and blank notebooks ordered in from Amazon Basics. More established employees, identifiable by the temerity with which they reached for the snacks, mingled among themselves as us newbies searched awkwardly for direction.

I chatted with a few interns recruited from the nearby business college, as well as a couple of MBA students who had taken the train in from San Francisco. All of them talked about our upcoming summer with such enthusiasm. They wanted to be here and they wanted to stay, badly. 

The recruiter waved us to our stations, each marked with a single red balloon printed with The Startup’s logo. Mine was upstairs, on the back wall farthest from the ping pong table. As I approached my new team, I received glances but no greetings. Headphones stayed on. My desk—electrically adjustable and tabula-rasa white—welcomed me with a branded Pop-Socket and a wide-angle lens made to enhance my smartphone camera. A sheet of printer paper ordered my specific onboarding tasks—how to login into email, Slack, the back-end of the app.

I had the sense of being expected and then immediately subsumed. Tropical house music thumped forth from the background. Laptop keys clicked. Already, at 10 A.M., everyone’s eyes looked glazed over. I opened my computer and pretended that I already knew what I was doing, that I had important work to do. 


When I interviewed for this job, I was balancing two service gigs in my hometown, living with my parents one year into post-college life. My cousin, who does marketing for The Startup, recommended me to her recruiter as someone who was interested in online video.

I sent out my resume and we organized a call on Zoom, which the recruiter missed on account being busy with more important matters. We rescheduled twice before finally connecting. As we talked, I scribbled notes in my sketchbook, tallying the number of times she mentioned the words “creative” and “content.” She stated, earnestly, that our aim was to addict users to our app. 

“Our goal is to be the next $10 billion Snapchat,” the recruiter said, “and if you like social, and you love short video, then you’ll love working here.” My actual job duties remained ambiguous throughout the call. It seemed that my tasks would include working fast and being creative, tracking trends, coming up with ideas for videos, and then sending those ideas out (To whom? To where? What sort of ideas? It was never clear.)

As we said goodbye, the recruiter told me that she’d soon put me in touch with the head of the content team for a second interview. The call ended before I could decide whether or not that was something that I actually wanted. 


My second interview was with a woman named Qingling. I Googled her before the call, and discovered that she had previously worked for a media company in China. Now, she headed the content team at The Startup. For our chat, she wore a black hat that read #CreativeAF and thick-rimmed glasses.

We talked about my video experience and I tried my best to sound interested and knowledgeable about The Startup’s work. I observed the deficiencies of TikTok and how The Startup’s app would redress them. I offered ideas for short-video series, talked about how they could make use of some of The Startup’s proprietary technologies, and cited some videos that I had already enjoyed.

In truth, using the app felt akin to riding the bow of a ship through a media storm. Most of the native content felt slipshod, and most of what was good was stolen from other platforms, where it looked better anyway. In preparation for the interview, I was never able to endure more than five minutes of The Startup’s endless video feed, which offered few navigational queues and even fewer points of audiovisual reprieve.

These opinions made me feel at once aged-out and superior, cynical in my conversation. Still, as we talked, I enjoyed a certain sort of insurgent power. Will they really bring me on? I wondered. Do they suspect that I might share affinities with the socialists and the Luddites? When we were done talking, I told Qingling that I hoped to hear from her again soon. I shut my laptop and gazed at the tight borders of my childhood bedroom window.  


A day after talking to Qingling, I received a phone call from the recruiter. I had just finished work at the café, so I untied my apron and sat outside on the patio. She told me that The Startup would like to offer me a 60-day contract-for-hire position as a Content Operations Analyst. Work would be full time and paid hourly, and they’d like me to start as soon as possible.

“We believe in extreme speed,” she told me. I said that I would need a little time to think about it. She gave me four days and asked what date I could start working. She looked forward to reconnecting shortly.


I can’t pinpoint when exactly working for The Startup became something that I began to consider, but it did, eventually. I’d been going through the application process mostly to appease my curiosity, and had never thought that I’d actually follow through with any of it. In fact, I’d looked on all of my peers who’d joined the tech industry with contempt. What sellouts, I thought, of course an Econ major would take a job at Intuit. I thought it vain to seek this type of success, selfish, greedy, and shortsighted.

More importantly, I believed, and still believe, that much of what goes on in Silicon Valley makes the world worse and less livable. I wrote my senior college thesis on the idea, exploring the nexus of technology, capital, body, and environment as it tangles wirelessly—and perilously—in the object of the smartphone. If I had allegiance to anyone in the tech world, it was the ethicist Tristan Harris of the Center for Humane Technology, but even his ideas seemed unduly clouded by the Bay’s fog, hemmed in by the valley’s swaddling hills. Only someone so constrained could think it appropriate to call what’s happening in tech, “human downgrading,” as if the only vocabulary we have available to us comes from the bits and bytes of compu-speak. 

Here I was, though, sitting on the sidewalk, my morning shift at the café done, an evening of bartending looming just beyond my afternoon. When I finished working, I would return to my parents’ house, which would be silent and cavernous and dark, and then fall asleep alone, exhausted.

The notion that this particular pattern of life might soon end gave me a jolt of energy. Maybe I could earn enough cash to buy some future wiggle room. Maybe I could learn some filming and editing techniques that would help with my next move. Maybe—and this was the possibility that frightened me most—I’d actually enjoy it. The Startup might offer the intellectual challenge and sense of striving that I’d been missing since college. I might feel energized by the competition, invigorated by the hustle. When my cousin and her family offered me a free room at their house near the office, I called the recruiter and told her I was in.


All the new hands gathered in the conference room for our first meeting. After a brief welcome, the recruiter pulled up a Powerpoint and began defining The Startup for us. 

“We want to be for short video what Vice is for media. What Audi is for the automotive industry. We want to be like Nike in retail, Etsy in e-commerce,” she began. “Do you know what we mean?” Slide. 

“When, early on, we were trying to define ourselves to investors, we came up with this list of descriptors: we are unconventional [slide]; we’re elevated [slide]; we’re entertaining [slide]; we’re useful [slide]; the last word is community.”

The recruiter continued into a brief history of the company, beginning with the founder discovering an undercapitalized short-video marketspace and moving on through the typical startup stages—a business partner, investor cash, a small early team, some more investor cash, proprietary software, bigger investors, and eventually a usable app that had yet to attract very many users. 

“When we began, we thought that our user base was preteens and teenagers, but our data showed that we had better luck with people in their early twenties, so we pivoted. As a company, we are data driven. Data has made us into what we are today. We’re always searching for that 100x idea to bring us to the next level,” the recruiter said.

“Now I’m going to show a couple of our top performing videos,” she continued, “but you should all really spend time watching more yourselves. In fact, it’s one of your onboarding activities.” 

We began with some of the platform’s mobile TV shorts, produced by a satellite crew in Los Angeles. One was about being a broke millennial, while another concerned a struggling movie actor. Both were intended as comic, but I remember them mostly as poorly acted, mildly sexist, and desperately unoriginal. The recruiter seemed proud. 

“That’s all I have for you now,” she told us. “Good luck with your onboarding videos, and remember to take time to learn and enjoy our platform.”

We closed our notebooks and hobbled back to our desks. The electronic music pulsed forward.    


After lunch, we convened in a conference room to listen to my new boss, Qingling, familiarize everyone with the work of the content team. She clicked to the first slide of a very pretty Powerpoint. Seated and fiddling with her laptop, she gave us her name and cut straight to business. 

“The content team deals with videos, not creators. Our goal is here:” Quingling moved her cursor to the top of the slide and began reading. “Help people enjoy the unique quality of videos on and only on [The Startup’s app].

“We do this in three ways: content direction, content management, and content production.”

As Qingling broke down these categories, I first began to understand what my work day might involve. The content team was responsible for learning which videos were performing well, and why. With this knowledge, it was supposed to predict what might be popular in the future, prototype and test videos that might capitalize on these trends, and then send those ideas out to influencers who could execute them for a mass audience. What this amounted to, mostly, was watching a lot of videos on the app and keeping abreast of pop culture. I sunk down in my chair. 

“Our videos should do one of three things,” Quingling read from her computer. 

“1. Fulfill/exploit human nature

“2. Trigger intense viral emotion

“3. Relate strongly to the target segment

“Any questions?” 

Nobody raised their hand, so Qingling shut her laptop and the meeting adjourned. Returning to my desk, I popped open a seltzer from the staff fridge. 


In addition to the orientation meetings, our first few days of onboarding were meant to familiarize us with the world of short video. According to our assigned readings, short video was primed for a global explosion. With heightened streaming speeds, ascendent video quality, intuitive editing software, and ever-shortening attention spans, we were one app away from a global phenomenon.

Arguably, we were already there. Tik Tok, our biggest competitor, had logged over a billion downloads since its launch in 2017. The Startup bargained that this dominance was only temporary, though, a blip buoyed by trendy adolescents and unlikely to expand to older users. Higher powers at our company believed that no app had yet claimed total supremacy. The race was still on, and we needed to understand our competition. 

Hence, an enormous task-load of video watching—something like 500 videos from each of our seven closest rival platforms, including a selection of 50 videos from each app that we personally enjoyed. This was supposed to breed familiarity and industry knowledge, but I thought of it more as something akin to hazing. It was the most grating sort of boring. Video after video, moments shattered into tiny eternities and time compounded on itself.

Any duration felt at once overfilled and completely vacant. When I needed a break, I tried reading one of the 60-odd articles about short video linked in our onboarding packet, many of which were written in Chinese (several of The Startup’s leaders hailed from China). This proved much more entertaining, since I don’t speak the language and had to instead read through Google translate, which spit out gem after gem of intriguing nonsense: 

The three winning methods of vibrating the sea are “protecting the local content ecology,” “lowering the threshold of users to shoot video” and “a large amount of advertising.”

Next, let’s follow the girls to feel the full dry goods!

Especially after becoming a father, because he began to share more aspects of parenting, emotions, etc., he became a ‘friend of women,’ and the fans were very sticky.

And a heading: More than enough content, social hopeless.

We were held accountable to these tasks by a slideshow showcasing our learnings, due the following week. As hours passed and I failed to make progress, I could sense a queue of videos stacking up further and further behind my screen. It seemed endless. By quitting time—7:00 PM—the red balloon attached to my desk had lost its lift and sunk down to the floor.

A WWE wrestler gainers from the ring ropes, landing head-first on his opponent. 

A dog in a shark fin life vest sprints toward the end of a boat dock, where it slips and flies into the water, its legs a’wheeling. 


The next morning, I ran through Atherton, the most expensive zip code in America. With broad streets shaded by giant umbrella oaks, it seemed like an excellent place to jog from my cousins’ house in the adjoining neighborhood. I set out early, crossing a busy arterial before entering the lonely quiet of obscene wealth. I ran by giant walls and sturdy metal gates. I saw few residents and a lot of help—gardeners, landscapers, and contractors, all buzzing like harried worker bees.

Every other street seemed to be a dead end, and I eventually lost myself in the maze. Is this what it meant to run the Valley, to lose yourself and then be consumed by it? I continued to wander, passing a neighborhood library box and discovering a copy of Saul Alinsky’s 1971 handbook, Rules For Radicals. Palming it, I mazed my way home. 

Rule #7: A tactic that drags on too long becomes a drag. 


Later that day, the content team convened for a brainstorming meeting. We were supposed to bring in ideas for different personas, formats, and topics, because, as we learned the day before, Concept = Persona + Format + Topic. If you have all three, then you have a single video. If you have unlimited topics, then you have unlimited videos. It was a formula that pumped out variations on the same thing, again and again—a motor to keep the app rolling. 

“So, what are your ideas?” Qingling asked from the front of the room.

“What if we made videos about everyday annoying occurrences?” somebody ventured. 

“What do you mean?” said Qingling. 

“Like when your Bluetooth won’t connect, or, uh, when somebody’s backpack keeps hitting you in the face on the BART?”

“What is the persona?” asked Qingling. “And what is the format? You need a persona and a format, otherwise there is no concept.”

Qingling moved on. “We have a new BA (Brand Ambassador) from TA (Talent Acquisition),” she said. “We need to decide if any of our preexisting personas will work for them. Any ideas? Oscar?”

“I don’t know anything about her,” said Oscar, a young guy with tired eyes and messy blonde hair. 

“That’s why we need a persona,” said Quingling. “Think about it and Slack me your ideas.”


On Wednesday, the content team gathered for its internal onboarding meeting. Qingling projected a slide that read, “When Research Isn’t Boring.” “Ugh, my mind is super dry,” she began, squinting and adjusting her glasses. “Okay, today we are going to talk about research. Each of you is going to do three types each week: Format, Trend, and Topic Research. I know it sounds boring, but it isn’t, I promise.”

The meeting was long and confusing. Qingling had devised a broad plan for our six person team to cover all of U.S. culture, with each individual in charge of several different beats. From then on, I was to track important events (of what type, I wasn’t sure), and make a video about them daily. On a weekly basis, I was tasked with forecasting potentially viral topics in the art, beauty, and science/technology worlds. Finally, each Tuesday, I was responsible with ideating and prototyping one to three video concepts, complete with personas, formats, pros, and cons. The hope, it seemed, was that this relentless scattershot would eventually land a big hit. 

Snacking on a sleeve of trail mix, I thought of all the videos that I’d have to watch, all of the tweets that I’d have to read, and all of the trends that I’d have to learn and relearn each and every day. And to what end? I saw little time for quality production, and even less for learning new skills. I would become a white collar video grunt. Crumpling the empty plastic wrapper, I returned to my desk and consulted my contractor’s agreement to see how trapped I was.


Later, we convened for a welcome presentation from the CEO himself. Calvin had cut his teeth in finance, made a feast, and then transitioned to tech for some sort of masochistic dessert. He began by relaying to us a familiar myth of success, one in which he began as a coffee retriever at J.P. Morgan and eventually—through long hours and hard work—crawled his way up the twin ladders of wealth and prestige.

“All you have to do is take ownership of your work and deliver,” he said. “That’s the most important thing. That’s what we value. If you show up, if you deliver, there’ll be a place for you here.” 

Calvin carried on into the company’s history (renting an AirBnB and working in a Starbucks), its goals (10 million users by August), and its methods (A/B testing and pirating influencers from other platforms). In his telling, the whole operation sounded like a knock-off of one of the Valley’s much-fabled unicorns.

Calvin didn’t really care about short video. Calvin was a finance guy. He cared about investor capital and massive returns. He cared about growth curves shaped like hockey sticks. What mattered to Calvin was the sort of success that seeded itself in paper coffee cups, sprouted in repurposed garages, and then went rampant, worldwide.  

In truth, we had a derivative product in a crowded market space, and the only thing keeping us rolling forward was a steady flow of investor cash. The question was whether or not that money would last us until we fumbled our way into becoming a product that people actually wanted to use. I was not so hopeful, but I also wasn’t a millionaire. 

A man tries to catapult a basketball off of a skateboard and into another man’s testicles. The ball flies into his face and he collapses onto his back. 

A chimpanzee watches a video of a chimpanzee on Instagram. He swipes to an image of a woman in a bikini. 

A drone glides over the lush farm fields of Indonesia. 


After lunch on Thursday, we met in front of a projector to learn about the work of the product team. The presenter was young and quick, with heaps of energy. He had composed all of his slides in the form of memes. 

“We want our product to be like Cinnamon Toast Crunch,” he told us. “Does anyone know what I mean by that?”

“Sugary and addictive?” someone asked. 

“Not quite,” he said. “But also, yes. Cinnamon Toast Crunch creates a daily habit by tasting so good. Though we maybe don’t want to be quite as exploitative as Cinnamon Toast Crunch—we don’t want to kill our users—but we do want them coming back. We want to create a habit.”

The audience nodded in understanding. The next slide showed Hot Pockets. 

“Hot Pockets are a beloved brand. People love Hot Pockets, especially stoners. If stoners loved our app, that’d be great. Make sense?” Chuckles, slide. 

“We also want our product to be like AirPods. Any guesses as to why?

“Everyone wants them,” somebody asserted. 

“Status symbol?” another guessed. 

“Yes and yes,” said the presenter. “But more, we want to be like AirPods because AirPods present a new form factor that changes how people consume. With AirPods, people are connected all the time, and that changes the use possibilities for a whole suite of apps.”

The presenter continued to talk about all of the features on our app that helped retain users, as well as how they were proven to work (A/B testing). He likened his team to the predator snakes who, through natural selection, teach their victim mice to behave in certain ways. It was a dicey balance: we had to direct the user without wholly consuming them. The person who finds herself bloated from eating too much Cinnamon Toast Crunch will throw the box out. The well-trained user will eat it regularly without ever recognizing excess. 

When I returned to my desk, I thought about how addiction is a form and not a filling, a desire whose object could be anything. That our goal was to shape that dynamic unsettled me. The enterprise seemed fraught with responsibility, and yet The Startup treated it like a fun puzzle animated by cheery rewards. I wondered if other employees felt the weight of our potential success, and whether or not I wanted to share that burden. 

A cake time-lapses into the face of Macauley Culkin clasping his face and gasping in Home Alone. 

A flaming marshmallow is rolled into a tulipped latte, where it extinguishes itself. 

For the rest of the afternoon, I focused on my onboarding assignment so that I could move on to all of my new research tasks. I watched video after video on Douyin, Vigo Video, TikTok, and other apps. I stretched for things to admire about them, searched for the small details that distinguished one from the other.

Often, the same video (or what seemed to be the same video) played across platforms. Image after image pleaded for attention. A light pink orb pulses with pale purple bubbles as lullaby music runs softly in the background. The office flashed and flexed around my phone’s 4.7-inch screen. The title:“For Insomnia People Only!” I looked to Qingling and the other people at my pod, their fingers fanged into their keyboards, just barely hanging on. Did they enjoy all this? What were they here for? Maybe, I thought, they too recognized this as a charade and were just playing along. They had rent to pay. Many were here on work visas. How else could anyone afford to live here? What else can a person do?

My eyes throbbed. I closed them and imagined long horizons and the open room that a Wyoming friend had jokingly mentioned the week before. I remembered that I was lucky enough to be an adult who could live elsewhere. I remembered that there was a world beyond my screen and that there were values beyond money and growth. 

A skateboarder bungees himself toward a ramp. His wheels catch on the lip and he flies into a dumpster.

Once quitting time graciously arrived, I packed up my computer and began to leave. Qingling leaned under her screen, skeptical of my departure. “Hey North, can you come here?” I walked around our pod to meet her at a spreadsheet. 

“I’m actually about to go,” I said. “I can talk for a minute but I have to catch my ride.”

“This is a document with all of the big U.S. events on it,” she said. “It has all of their dates, too.” I saw when the Oscars were, the CMAs and the VMAs. 

“That’d actually be really helpful,” I said, sensing a boon. “Can you send it to me?”

“No,” Qingling said. “If I send it to you, it will limit you. I want you to use your own ideas.”

“No, you won’t limit me—you’d just help me plan. There are plenty of days that aren’t on that list that I’d still use my own ideas for,” I said. 

Qingling seemed unconvinced. I tried to explain how I’d probably use those events anyway, and that having the list would help me be more efficient. She disagreed and looked at me with concern. 

That night, I texted my friend in Wyoming. Hey, is that room still open?

It was. Relieved, I felt my job fade from obligation to option. 


Friday brought fewer meetings and more work time. I finished the slide deck for my onboarding assignment and then made my first event video—an explainer piece about poppies for the upcoming Memorial Day long weekend. My dread and disorientation streamlined into a sense of direction. I felt quick and capable. Was this an energy that I could maintain if I stayed? Or was it simply my body celebrating the knowledge that I could leave The Startup whenever I wanted? It was hard to tell. 

I worked through lunch until our afternoon all-staff stand-up, As part of the onboarding process, we had been asked to film short self-portraits and upload them to The Startup’s app. As the videos rolled, I found myself standing next to Calvin. He stared at the screen with such intensity that I wondered what he was seeing. Was this his vision coming to fruition? The start of a movement? Could Calvin see what I saw—shaky clips nauseated by superfluous production effects? It occurred to me that Calvin might be so enthralled by The Startup’s metrics and self-storytelling that he had become blind to the content of the app itself. Video was not his expertise, after all—numbers were. Then again, his stern gaze might actually be masking some sort of disappointment with our work.

I felt especially conscious of this possibility as my video began to play. The clip begins with a static shot of a grassy knoll, underlined by a concrete path and topped with trees. I walk into the center of the frame, sit down, and sip a cup of coffee. A voice-over introduces myself and my hobbies as the image cuts violently to different illustrations of my various foibles—climbing, skateboarding, goofing off with friends. The video ends with these lines and a montage of roadkill stills: Once, I found a dead squirrel, and it’s been on my mind ever since. If you look, you see things, before they disappear. In slow motion, I fling myself from the top of the frame, backflipping off of a tall cliff,  to the water far below. 

As the screen cut to black, Vincent turned to me and said, “That was good. You should be one of our influencers.”

A weimaraner looks stunned as a rawhide bone protrudes cigarette-style from its jaw. 

A man sprints to jump over a PT Cruiser as it flies toward him on salt flats. 


The meeting broke and everyone scattered toward the office games and beer fridge. I went back to my desk—there was still time before the company barbeque at 7:00 P.M, and I had work to finish. Despite my best efforts, though, I couldn’t complete the trend reports that were due for our meeting on Tuesday morning.

With weekend plans to fly home to Washington State for a relay race, I knew that I wouldn’t have much time to get the extra work done. Besides, on principle, I didn’t want my new job to bleed into my weekend so soon. I walked around to Qingling’s desk and apologized that I hadn’t yet finished my reports. She looked at me quizzically, as if to point out that Tuesday was a full three days away. I elaborated.

“I value my free time and don’t want to work on the weekend. Plus, I don’t think that I have overtime status on my contract,” I said. 

“So you won’t deliver?” she asked. A nearby college intern perked with interest. 

“No, I guess not,” I said. The intern’s face opened in terror. 

“Well, if you’re not going to deliver, then we’re going to have to rethink whether or not you’re a good fit for us,” she said, putting her headphones on and walking away. 

A white woman grabs a wine glass and breaks it against the counter, lip-singing to Beyonce. 

A man dressed as Mario tre flips a five stair as his friends dance to a parody of Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop.”

I tried to enjoy the barbeque, but felt guilty and distracted. I don’t like disappointing people. Qingling already seemed stressed enough. She couldn’t have been much older than I was, and yet she was personally accountable for all of the content on an app built in a language and country that were not her own. Fifteen minutes later, I pulled her aside. 

“I’ll finish my work on the weekend this time, but in the future I hope that we can be more proactive in communicating about work tasks so that I can deliver and still enjoy my weekends,” I said.

“There are many ways to do that,” said Qingling. “You can work harder and more efficient. You can work smarter. This is a startup and you are part of a team. We all work together. You should love your work and take ownership of it. That’s what people at startups do.”

“Okay,” I said, “but I do value my non-work time, too.”

Qingling lowered her brow and looked away. We left the conversation there. I ate a veggie burger and some salad and then left without saying goodbye. 

Shaving cream squirts into a metal spaghetti press. Bendy tubes squirm out like little white worms. #oddlysatisfying


I flew home the following morning to meet some old friends for a relay race that took our team from mountain to sea. Over finish line beers, we caught up on life and talked about where we’d landed. I told them about my shock at The Startup, how it felt so parodic even as it commanded millions of dollars and the lives of so many smart people. They let me vent before affirming that there was little sense in engaging that empty hustle, chasing trends and slapping together videos all summer long. With their support, I felt justified in bailing so soon.

My plane landed back in the Valley on Monday evening. After finishing up my trend reports, I thanked my relatives for their hospitality and, with some embarrassment, told them that I’d be leaving. They were a touch flummoxed, but understanding. Aunt Betsy needled me for being sensitive, and Uncle Mike chuckled at my capriciousness. They asked me where I’d be going. 

“Jackson, Wyoming,” I said, surprising myself with the statement’s certainty. 

“When?”

“Maybe two or three days from now?” I ventured. I knew neither how far away Jackson was, nor exactly where it sat on a map. I would learn the details later.  


It takes about fifteen hours to drive from Silicon Valley to Jackson, Wyoming. I did it in one day, with plenty of time to think. Once the site of so much innovation and promise, it felt strange to encounter a Silicon Valley that chased its tail so vigorously. I wondered what would happen to The Startup. Would it be bought by a Google or an Instagram? Would its trend-hounding approach eventually land an audience? I didn’t know, but I also didn’t much care to find out. 

Jobless and cruising the highway, I felt possessed by a broader sense of possibility than I’d experienced since graduating college. Reassured by my inability to make it in tech, I was on to explore new myths—of the Road, of the West—myths that I hoped would be more capacious, more flexible.

As I passed over the Sierras and angled toward the Rockies, I marvelled at how much of the world remained unscreened. Before me lay more than eyes and brain and image. There lived bodies, flesh, stone and so much more. I saw white-tailed deer, elk, sagebrush hills and the craggy peaks that preside over them. I saw wildflowers blooming from the snowmelt: aster, arrowleaf balsamroot, lupine, larkspur and so many others whose names I did not yet know.

There was space to move and there were stories to live. Switchbacking over the pass from Idaho to Wyoming, I rewound into springtime and thrilled in all of the growth that happens in small, slow, and particular ways. Here, life was just coming back from winter. I crested the hill and pressed down on my brakes. 

Liberals Should Be More Skeptical of Power

A Mangoprism Editorial

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Published
MP112

Oct 15, 2019


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Toward the end of his presidency, it became fashionable in some quarters to contest Barack Obama’s privileged, almost saint-like standing among mainstream liberals as an embodiment of cool-headed grace, dignity, morality, etc… Often, the criticism concerned immigration (deporting undocumented immigrants at record rates) or his foreign policy (arming Saudi Arabia, extralegal drone killings, etc.)

As a devotee of Obama I found myself resisting these critiques on two levels. I dismissed them as flippantly made by those looking to take on a superficially subversive aesthetic. But the deeper resistance was more personal. I’d invested in Obama as a man of clear-eyed ethical realism and a deep appreciation for complexity, for the moderating pressures of his office, and for the long view. My opinion was largely aligned with that expressed by Marilyn Robinson in her book of essays, What Are We Doing Here? when she writes that Obama “had little help from certain of his friends, who think it is becoming in them to express disillusionment, to condemn drone warfare or the encroachments of national security, never proposing better options than these painful choices, which, by comparison with others on offer, clearly spare lives.” Like Robinson, I believed that Obama was surely aware of his moral compromises. But there were layers to these compromises—the matters wouldn’t have reached his desk if there were not—and I trusted that, while he may not have always made the right choice, he approached his fraught decisions with a value system in line with my own. He was dealing with difficult questions, and I was content to have him be the one answering them.

Then I read a review of Robinson’s book in Dissent, which dismissed such a trusting sentiment as nostalgic, in fitting with the kind of clean metaphysical decorum we might expect to find in dogmatic interpretations of revealed religion, instead of the messy imperatives of our actual political life. Leonard writes that Robinson is “totally unable to deal with [Obama] as someone with power, and whose hands are therefore dirty as hell.”

I first read Leonard’s essay at a time when, having interned at one left-wing magazine, and looking to move on to another (Dissent!), I found my political attitudes swirling, my allegiances aligning ever more with those who tended to gussy up cleanly spaces, to shit on my aesthetic contrivances. Leonard’s critique increased the pace of this political reimagining largely because it caught me so squarely and personally in my own naked, often fairly weird sentimentality (my eyes, I recalled, welled with tears at the news that hero Robert Mueller indicted villain Paul Manafort: you arrogantly defile American political institutions, you face justice!) 

In particular, I was struck by Leonard’s use of the phrase, “Hands are dirty.” The idiom tends to have a pejorative slant, suggesting nefarious complicity, double-crossed morals. But it is not clear that Leonard means her point to be taken in such a straightforwardly normative sense. Dirty hands may well play an essential role in the alternative ethic she advocates, wherein shallow, but clean aesthetics of “civil” and high-minded democracy get rattled—in a manner very much in line with the more subversive aspects of the western philosophical tradition—by dissenters and protesters as a matter of course. After all, the organized action whose dissonance she applauds, is by most theories, itself a form of power, implicated, like Obama, by a reality messier than anyone committed to keeping their hands clean could ever hope to accommodate.

A relevant insight into a standard liberal instinct on this matter emerged a few months back, when Current Affairs ran a critical review of Pete Buttigieg’s memoir, arguing that his book betrays the self-centered outlook undergirding his eclectic and impressive-seeming resume. At one point, the reviewer notes, Buttigieg writes of “striding past”—it not appearing to occur to him that joining was a possibility—the “social justice warriors” protesting the low wages of university janitors and food workers, and then Buttigieg writes about his eventual realization that the biggest near-term agents of change at Harvard were not the protesters, but the “mostly apolitical geeks quietly at work in Kirkland House” like Mark Zuckerberg. 

Buttigieg’s apparent instinct to dismiss the protesters is endemic to the liberal mainstream, a powerful, self-righteous, and frequently un-self-critical cultural subgroup that regards any and all substantial disturbances of its peace—literal, aesthetic, or metaphysical—with reactionary suspicion. Looking back, I feel some genuine shame for harboring the same sort of suspicion myself toward some of my college’s activist groups, particularly given my outlook as a student journalist, too willing to accept administration’s implicit rhetorical line that running an institution is complicated and that protesters advocating divestment, or more equitable admissions standards, for example—who spoke to some very real and deeply rooted institutional problems—had a reductive worldview, and basically weren’t to be taken too seriously.

The tendency to romanticize certain identity-affirming power structures and dismiss those who question them stems from a human desire for meaning, and is sometimes totally legitimate and pleasant in a personal sense, but it is politically insidious in literally every context, and particularly when the given powerful subject or structure is hegemonic. 

That power should be regarded with skepticism, no matter how benevolent it may seem, is on a certain level, a premise of the American press, whose best practitioners strive to carry the banner of “comforting the afflicted and afflicting the comfortable,” which, while perhaps a little romantic itself, is a mandate premised on an ethic of dissent if there ever was one. 

Fully realized in storytelling form, this dissenting ethic would involve resisting the temptation to romanticize government institutions, as I did in conceiving of Mueller in such heroic terms. These sort of implicitly patriotic indulgences almost always pair with an uncritical submission to the grand narratives, themselves borne of an ostensibly liberal tradition which has, in actuality, under the cover of this righteous teleology privileged countless human lives over others in a grotesque and sordid history the sober appraisal of which quakes the foundations that support these narratives in the first place (critical appraisals which, at their best, clear space such that new and often more interesting stories can emerge.)

And yet, the grand patriotic narrative is ascendant in mainstream liberal discourse. The New York Times completed its editorial endorsing impeachment by imploring “the institutions of American governance… in historic rebuke, to demonstrate the majesty of representative democracy.” The New Yorker, calling Nancy Pelosi an “extremely stable genius,” casts the American political moment in explicitly dramatic terms: and “into this reality has stepped, if belatedly, Nancy Pelosi, Democrat of California, Speaker of the House.” 

That both “institutions of American governance” and Pelosi have, by dint of their power—and regardless of how well they’ve wielded it—extraordinarily dirty hands of their own is lost amidst such elevated rhetoric, which trades not on sober and substantive analysis of a subject’s performance, but rather on a form of restorative nostalgia, which galvanizes a secular liberal readership eager for meaning and redemption in the historical structures of governmental power whose stars, under Trump, have dimmed considerably. It is an instinct with which I can identify. I get it both ways. Sometimes it’s nice, and even essential, to rest, to settle into a clean metaphysics, to draw up a wall and hunker in cozy. It is a privilege too many can ill afford. ▩

Andrew Yang Makes His Case to Skeptics on the Left

A Mangoprism exclusive

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Published
MP107

Aug 06, 2019


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I interviewed the presidential candidate Andrew Yang for half an hour before he held a rally in Chicago in the fall of 2018. His candidacy was relatively unknown at the time, so he was taking all the press he could muster. I myself had little to offer, but my intern-y affiliations with a small national labor magazine conferred enough credibility that his people reached out, even after I’d acknowledged to them that no editors anywhere bit on my pitches, and so the prospective piece would likely never land.

I first heard of Yang while driving from Walla Walla, Washington to Spokane. I was driving alone. At that point I’d just graduated college and was working part-time as a local newspaper reporter and I was listening to Sam Harris’s podcast, which is a common way to discover Yang. Yang came across as witty and smart. His ideas stood up to the light scrutiny of Harris, who played the friendly skeptic. The main idea about which Harris expressed his skepticism was Yang’s policy proposal to give every American adult one thousand bucks per month without (ostensibly) a solitary string.

Univeral Basic Income attracts strange bedfellows. Libertarians sometimes like the idea because its enactment might be leveraged to gut the bureaucracy; Marxists sometimes like the idea because of its potential, in a living wage form, to liberate individuals from some of the insidious norms and structures that have traditionally defined mainstream economic life. Most normal people like the idea because $1,000 per month would be pretty helpful. The contours here are well-established and if you are interested to learn more you should read Dissent Magazine’excellent piece on the complicated history of UBI.

Having never encountered the concept in Yang’s proposed form, I found it compelling and provocative, and I continued to vaguely track Yang over the following months. And so, out of that unlikely podcast moment, here is Yang, nobody presidential candidate, and here am I, nobody journalist, and we start off inauspicious: I ask him about another place on his “Humanity First” tour—Detroit, where he says he has a “bunch of friends.”

“Really?” I say. He was doing something with his briefcase. I ask him what running for president entails, and he took the question literal, explaining the constitutional requirement that one be 35 and a natural born citizen, and the legal requirement that you file some paperwork with the Federal Election Commission. Then he said, monotone and straight, that “the real challenge” of running for president “is that the whole thing is a giant social construction.”

The quick backstory, which you can now get anywhere, including in Yang’s book, which is pretty good, is that he ran a non-profit called Venture for America which looked to train business leaders in regions with stagnating economies. He told me, and has told others that he felt like he was pouring water in a bathtub with a gaping hole in it, and what do you do then? You stop pouring water. You try to patch the hole—especially when said bathtub hole threatens to “destroy us.”

I said lots of people might notice a similar sort of bathtub hole and would do a different thing than run for president. He said well, he’s an entrepreneur and a problem solver at heart:

“You wouldn’t ever propose something and say ‘well even if I wanted to do this it would not actually make a difference.’ And so I drew up: ‘What could you do that would actually solve this problem?’—the fact that we’re quickly automating away the most common jobs in the American economy. And there are very, very few things one can meaningfully do to address that. And most all of them involve control of the government… because right now the market is the primary determinant of the value of people’s time and how much money everyone makes. And the market does not care at all about displaced truck drivers, or cashiers, or… accountants or journalists… If you look at it objectively, America has invested faith in the market for the last several decades, and the market is about to fail us catastrophically. I mean, it has already been failing us in terms of elevating most people’s standard of living, in my own life. But now it’s really going to get catastrophically dark. We’re in the third inning of the greatest economic and technological transformation in the history of the world and its already brought us Donald Trump. By the time we get to the fourth, fifth, sixth inning it’s going to be unimaginable.”

He would later say again, at the rally, as he does at many rallies, that “third inning of the greatest economic and technological transformation…” thing. He’s very good, at least on a superficial level, at staying on message, at telling a clean story. The story he tells is that the early waves of economic stagnation which he believes have been largely ushered in by automation—and the logic that motivates its spread—are well-upon us and quite ugly, if still relatively inconspicuous in certain privileged enclaves, such that well-positioned liberally-inclined folks can still ignore the rot. His story is that that rapid economic deterioration of this character will continue, accelerate rapidly, and sprawl if we don’t act swiftly. Many economists take issue with this account, but it is a compelling and intuitive-seeming one, and he earnestly makes the case for it in terms of easy-to-understand numbers and trends, colored and bolstered rhetorically with anecdotal attributions to this or that in-the-know friend of his in venture capital or Silicon Valley. He paints himself as a kind of bridge between these elite-types and “normal people,” and he says these elite folks have told him, over lunch, for example, their dire and presumably well-informed predictions for the trajectory of American capitalism. Yang’s story is that he looks at the situation objectively, and considers dispassionate non-ideological solutions that take as a premise that human life is innately valuable and that the market, left as it has been to its own psychopathic devices, does not share in this premise.

It can be difficult to tell what Yang thinks about the amoralism of contemporary American capitalism. He understands and can explain its most brutal tendencies quite well, but it worries some critics that he doesn’t seem to outright condemn these tendencies per se. Yang ultimately identifies as a capitalist, and this sensibility shows up in his corporate-sounding lexicon, by which Yang unironically deploys the rhetoric of “job-creators” and “entrepreneurship” that tends to show up as nonsense to those skeptical of capitalistic platitude.

He’s not concerned about how he sounds on such rhetorical litmus tests. He told me the “entire dichotomy of socialism and capitalism is decades old and anachronistic, and right now the temptation is for someone who sees the problems of capitalism to say ‘well I hate the stuff so I must want the opposite, which is socialism.’ I’m going to say two things from what a guy named Eric Weinstein said that I agree with wholeheartedly: The first thing he said is that ‘we did not know that capitalism was going to be eaten by its son, technology,’ and the second thing is that ‘we need to become both radically capitalist and radically socialist in different arenas.’”

So Yang says he’s not interested in semantics. I said that some people are, and he said that his policies would be attractive to the average left-wing voter, but that he sees in invocations of socialism a pernicious nostalgia, “a fondness for a world that never existed.” He thinks there are ways to credibly engage with the dark forces of our time—automation and climate change being dark force 1a and 1b on his list—“that don’t frankly look back on the teachings of someone from like a hundred years ago”—he laughs here—“as, like, the end all be all. Because no one 100 years ago could have foreseen artificial intelligence or any of the technologies we’re currently looking at, and so I quote Joe Rogan on something he said in his recent Netflix special, which is that ‘if the founding fathers woke up today, their first question would be: You mean you didn’t write any new shit?’ We have to stop looking backwards. We seem to be obsessed with what the scrolls say, you know? It’s a stupid way to think about trying to”—he caught himself: “I don’t want to be dismissive, but we have to get with the program: it’s like, 2018 soon 2020. We have to have some new ideas.”


The “nostalgia” that Yang is somewhat glibly critiquing here consists, he told me in the supposed aspiration among many on the left to return to the halcyon, equitable economies of the fifties and sixties. He says the idea that these economies were in many ways better for the working class is accurate, but that trends regarding globalization, deregulation, automation, contracting—all the forces and avenues by which corporations have found ways to weasel out of any and all genuine civic obligations—have rendered this vision of return a fantasy. Yang went on that Bernie—who he said he would have voted for, had he voted in the 2016 primary—is among those who “unfortunately hue to a vision of the economy that is still extremely institutional and institutionally led.  It’s like ‘get the institutions to treat people the way we want them to be treated.’ Instead we should just provide people directly with the things that would make them better able to accomplish their own goals and meet their own needs and adapt for the future, and just skip the middleman.”

If I were quicker-witted, I would have pressed Yang on what exactly he means when he dismisses an “institutionally led” vision of change, or when he paints the picture of a left stuck in the past. His unchallenged elaboration was that “trying to pretend that we can massage our current version of the economy into something that seems moral based upon things like increasing the minimum wage or bullying companies into treating people better strikes me as the wrong approach.  I think we should look directly at the goals that we have, such as getting money into people’s hands, and just say ‘okay, we want to put money into people’s hands? The most direct and effective way to do that is to put money in people’s hands.’”

Why is forcing companies to be better the “wrong approach?” The implication here, that we should not try to go through corporations to make our society more moral, because that is a lost cause—just not going to happen—feels like a remarkably radical concession for the government to make—being as it supposedly is the only locus of institutional might sufficient to patch the bathtub hole.

For Yang, this may be the reality we live in, and we need new ideas to make this world work—to salvage a modest little bubble of humanity impervious to forces of the market. But for many on the left, this is a deeply pessimistic vision, and it is already when you should stop taking Yang seriously. (Moreover, if critical thinking consists in one part intellectual humility, another in a charitable ear, this ungenerous take on Bernie’s singularly expansive political vision does not inspire much confidence in the man whose sober intellect is the hallmark of his brand, a man who frequently invokes— albeit with a layer of irony—the nerdy Asian stereotype to bolster his credibility as a foil to Donald Trump.)

But neither are critics on the left particularly charitable to Yang, who has taken heat for the absence of explicit class politics in his campaign. Indeed, he does not explicitly engage in the rhetoric of collective action. Critics see his UBI proposal as a mere palliative, an unimaginative morsel bestowed from on high to the masses, who would not, under the new policy ultimately be in a better position to challenge existing structures of inequality and power. For someone who thinks our version of capitalism—with its perverse incentives and market failures—is failing us catastrophically, he doesn’t seem particularly interested in fundamentally challenging its premises. The focus on tone and rhetoric might seem flighty, but this isn’t itself the problem, because it is also kind of all we have to go on to judge the guy’s instincts. For a piece I wrote about the New Hampshire family to which Yang, in a publicity stunt is personally giving one thousand dollars per month, I interviewed Kathi Weeks, who wrote a book advocating for a living-wage UBI on Feminist-Marxist grounds. She said the key question for lefty-oriented folks regarding Yang is whether his proposal is framed as a kind of groundwork for broader political transformation, or whether its’ just kind of “blithely” pitched as a “solution” per se that allows us to retain existing structures and economic norms. Nathan Robinson made a good case in Current Affairs that Yang, if his rhetoric is to be taken seriously, understands UBI in terms of the latter vision (for one, it would be paid for with a probably regressive tax, and by giving people a choice regarding whether to keep their current benefits or take the UBI.)

But that Yang doesn’t actively speak with a certain progressive lexicon doesn’t necessarily mean his politics don’t engage with progressive moral imperatives. If the contours on which our political divisions are conceived in the mainstream media are mostly nonsense; if as far as ordinary people go, the power dynamics, and thus the lines on which bonds of political solidarity can or ought to be established, in fact have very little to do with someone’s voter registration—which is mostly a reflections of the milieu from which a person emerged—and a lot to do with a person’s education, race, class, gender, legal status, etc., then the eclectic following Yang has forged is worth taking very seriously.

To cast automation as the bogeyman has, for Yang, proven to be an effectively apolitical (in the sense that it does not provoke traditional “political” divisions) rhetorical move, implicitly establishing a new common ground in the form of a collective dark fate to which most working class, and eventually, middle class people will, the story goes, be subjected. That Yang is not actively speaking the language of socialism could then be beside the point. The delineations are clear enough: Inequality will dramatically increase as the owners of said automatons scurry off with the loot, leave the rest to of us to our desolate fates.

That in the process of making this point he doesn’t make a moral judgement on the looters, who he says are just doing what any other human in their position would do, is an important aspect of his political sensibility. Some might find it unpalatable—many humans do in fact carry on their lives and negotiate their power without actively fucking over everyone else—but it is also central to his broad appeal. This amoral style is also operative in regards to Yang’s reluctance to employ rhetoric that addresses distinct, non class-based political identities like race or gender: he (not to me, but in other contexts) has said this would not be an effective rhetorical tool by which to win an election, because on its cue—the rhetoric’s legitimacy notwithstanding—he thinks a lot of people who honestly mostly share a similar set of goals lose their shit and get all riled up despite being on the same team where the rubber meets the road.

Yang reminds me of the friends of mine who are into Econ but are not tools: I tolerate their occasional displays of intellectual arrogance, and appreciate their refreshingly good-faith political arguments. Yang wants to apply cold logic to a purely humanistic end, a utilitarian mindset that aims to rise to see the forest, that is more interested in ends than means. And take it a step further, and the resulting tension—of having a basic moral vision but not worrying about the rhetoric that gets you there—actually colors the supposedly objective logic that undergirds his policy proposals with an endearing touch of naiveite, operating as it is out of the implicit assumption that in fact the world works in terms of any logic at all.

Of course, the dark side of this naivete would be the sort of oblivious, baseless, master-of-universe self-confidence endemic to the consulting/tech/econ major milieu with which Yang is so often simplistically grouped. Yang tells a clean story about a messy world. But is it too clean? But does it leaves all of us off the hook? The poor economic circumstances we find ourselves in are, in his telling, almost platonic, entirely detached from the people who largely bear responsibility for creating them. For folks on the left, politics is a messy game, and it leaves everyone—though some far more than others—dirty to the bone. Yang’s vision sounds substantive in theory; but critics argue it lacks moxie, that the notion of rendering corporations irrelevant by working around them becomes absurd upon contact with the material world in which corporate interests abide, that what sounds like cold-blooded pragmatism in fact pales in its fortitude to the broad-based, hard-nosed, vaguely utopian visions espoused by the most prominent and dynamic figures on the left, who refuse to concede unchecked corporate power as a given. Yang’s proposals are certainly big, but they might stand to be a little more ambitious.

“I think people find me interesting in that I contain certain contradictions,” said Yang as the interview was wrapping up. Now just coming off his second debate on the national stage, and poised for a third as his improbable ascension continues, he believed at the time that he could clarify his case to skeptics, that his sometimes flippant amoral rhetoric belied a fertile common ground of concern for capitalism’s dehumanizing impulses. He took pains, in our interview, to present himself as an (innovative) friend of labor. But he says in regards to the labor movement’s prospects, that “no one gives a shit about your point of view, because our country has now been dominated by market-based thinking. And if you are pro-labor, pro-union, you are trying to preserve some inefficient labor practices that belong in the past and have no place here in the 21st century.” He spoke admiringly of the moral high ground on which he believes labor folks often stand, but he thinks that, in the current state of our economy, moral-standing is irrelevant. “We need to keep fighting, but we need to change the rules of the game,” he said. “We need a game changer.”

Well, here he is. He said he really wants—and needs, he acknowledged at the time—to reach folks on the left. “We are aligned,” said Yang. I may not look and sounds necessarily like the people are used to.” He paused. “But I want the same things. And I’m convinced that I can add a loooot of value.”


Yang told me the origin story of his campaign (which may well be a Mangoprism exclusive, because I have not read it anywhere else, and all of the articles about him say same thing, so it doesn’t seem to be part of his standard well of anecdotes). He and Andy Stern—the former Service Employees International Union president—met for breakfast in New York to talk about the automation problem that they believe will destroy the American working class.

I imagine this as one of those cool lunches Yang recounts sharing with this or that person in the know, who gave it to him straight, no bullshit, and he as a candidate is here to convey the candid message. He and Stern are talking UBI, and the automation problem, which they see as being grossly underrepresented in mainstream discourse. Per Yang’s telling: Yang says “whose running on this” and Stern says “absolutely nobody,” and Yang says, “then I’ll run.

“Which I knew going in because I’d met with other people I’d thought might run and none them were going to do it,” he said. “And then I knew, given that Andy is the foremost voice on this issue, that he would know if anyone was running or not.” So going in to the lunch Yang says he was thinking, “’well if he tells me someone else is gonna run on it, then great: I don’t have to drop everything and do it myself.’ I kind of expected him to say ‘nobody’ though, because I understand how the world works. Like most of the time nobody does shit. And then you have to do it yourself. That’s just the way the world works, most of the time.” ▩


Teleology

How we murdered two city ducks in the crucible of youth

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP102 Life

May 21, 2019


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We cabooze amidst the lily pads one rare and sultry summer day here in Seattle’s Washington Park Arboretum—nerve center for the languorous teen drinking scene, a veritable Eden textured with a touch of municipal grunge in the form of long-abandoned highway construction projects, low concrete structures that loom stone-silent above the lilies and the marshland in post-apocalyptic grandeur. We float about the old pilings. Young ducklings quack after their mothers. We get stuck in the lily pads. The lily pads prove less inviting than they had appeared, like aquatic versions of those distant paradisiacal fields of immaculate green that reveal themselves upon close inspection to be coarse and uneven—ankle-twisters: frolic if you dare.

That such days are rare makes them precious; that they are precious gives them stakes— such days remind us that our time is limited: waste not thy hour, the days seem to say.

Ronald’s bouncy—and excellent—Jewish anchorman curls highlight a tight square jaw below, animated by a skittish minor form of ADHD that belies a solid, easy-riding temperament. Ronald is currently serving out a one year ban from Fred Meyers on account of his having attempted to steal playing cards for “Magic, The Gathering,” after which transgression store-security summoned his mother to bring him home for further discipline. Invoking Gandalf the Grey, Ronald has developed a new habit: a thin trail of smoke climbs upward out of the packed wooden pipe laying at his side. He holds a white and red can of Rainier beer. Quintessential.

Vandover lies back, exposing a burly and tenuously hirsute chest. He dawns the sort of aviators behind which you can tell he spends seventy-five percent of his mental capacity considering how fucking cool he looks with these aviators on. Vandover is wicked-smart and knows it— occasionally crass and cocky, he will likely go into business or finance, yet he is a witty and sympathetic soul beneath the gloss. He holds a white and red can of Rainier beer. Quintessential.

Aesthetically speaking, we are the shit. And yet we lack something, a momentum, a raison d’etre to give us traction amidst the continuum. A canoe mustn’t be left to float unpaddled and aimless. Where are we going…

I struggle with this sometimes, and evermore as I grow older and my creativity calcifies toward stodgy and depressing oblivion. Drinking is supposed to fend it off. Indeed it has largely become an end in itself. And yet, today we remain unsatisfied. We desire more: a new purpose, a new beginning…

None of us has been hunting before, but today we decide that we are going to kill a city duck, Google or Youtube how to feather it and clean its innards or whatever, and roast the sucker for dinner.

Then we are going to tell everyone about it.


The Washington Park arboretum—this artificial nature preserve of the city of Seattle renowned for its sublime beauty and diverse foliage and Japanese gardens—is composed of four keg spots. I will briefly describe them to you, as each enacts a subtle inflection of the Seattle high school milieu—a set of distinct connotations, all of which bear on the matter at hand.

5-20: Not to be confused with “5-20 North,” “5-20” stands beneath an overpass upon an incomplete highway on-ramp embedded in the marshland. If you follow the on-ramp as it rises, it will take you above the waters of the lake and you can jump for a good thirty-foot thrill. This is not what we do. 5-20 kegs are raw, lively, and bare bone actuality. They take place not in the sun but in the shadow of the deserted highway above. Seniors yell “senior” and push you to the back of the gaggle jonesing for the keg tap. Blunts and stale beer. You might get-peer pressured to box. Around 4:00 someone will yell—“cops” and you will skitter into the bushes.

Foster Island: At the end of a long trail, this public park peninsula teems with backwards hats. The site is beachfront, with the University of Washington football stadium across the ship path. The spot is spectacular, but the beauty has a cost: when the cops arrive, there is no place to run…

Pagoda: Properly speaking, most pagoda “kegs” were in fact “Spodies,” or “PantyDroppers” as they are known to the vulgar. This means some guy with a fake ID and basketball shorts bought five half gallons of Skol Vodka and Sunny-D and put it in a dirty red cooler he stole from his mom and he hocks blue solo cups and when he has made sufficient cash he opens up the cooler and you shimmy your way into the swell of rabid hands, desperately thrashing about the liquid to get the fill. Chug and repeat before the baby runs dry. Sometimes people bring brass knuckles and seek squeenie-bears on whom to stunt. Around 4:00 someone will yell—“cops” and you will skitter down the hill into the cars and drive off, fast and easy.

Area-13: Properly speaking, “Area-13” does not “exist.” The cops knew the jig too well and so necessity intoned that roughly six days prior to the most important keg-day of the year, a crack-squadron of between three and seven enterprising seniors, bearing weed and weed-wackers and machetes, set-off into a scouted-locale deep in the bush of the arboretum. Here they prepared Area-13. Its precise coordinates remained a secret to the last, when individuals of disparate social stations were brought to the clearing and told to return with their respective cohorts. The cops never did come.


Today it is likely that Area-13 no longer exists.

The Pagoda recently reopened after a long renovation of an arboretum path. The area has become a thoroughfare, no longer suitable for spodies.

The 5-20 derelict overpass—once termed the “Bridge to Nowhere”—has been largely demolished to make way for a new bridge across the marsh and the lilies.

The lilies remain.

The ducks continue to bob.


Quack quack quack said the duck.  Quack. I loaded the dart into the red metal tube. Ronald had gone to Walmart and purchased a red blow gun for $8 plus tax. Quack. We gently bobbed with the waves and with the duck. Quack quack quack. I took aim, raised the tube to my mouth, trained the sights on the duck’s small bobbing grey-green head. It pecked down into the water, righted itself again. I closed my eyes. The sun’s afterglow remained. My eyes opened. I formed my mouth around the tube. Phhu: I blew into the tube and with a hollow echo of air the dart flew, beginning its trajectory above the ducks head, gravity at 9.8 meters per second per second and the dart reached an apex before beginning its decent and the dart was incoming and the duck just quack quacked oblivious to its incoming oblivion — I am doom I am doom I am doom doom you duck doom! And the duck bobbed on and the dart flew high, into the bushes just beyond.

I was relieved to miss. Søren Kierkegaard said that time and eternity intersect in the moment of existential choice, wherein I decide, and so cast my being into the inhuman maw of the one great scorer. He said we make decisions in our life, wherein freedom and limitation are enacted both; my friend, a Kierkegaard aficionado, once described this in terms of the moment before and after jumping from the diving-board. To whom or what did you give yourself up to, exactly? How does it feel to put your life entirely in the hands of the Gods? Thrilling? Exposed? Human?

It was Ronald’s turn. He didn’t want to do it. We weren’t driven by peer pressure exactly—generally speaking, none of us played that tune—but there was a palpable sense that we were transgressing into a new and forbidden and jarring realm from which we would not be able to return. It was alluring and it was inevitable. We didn’t dare each other so much as we were dared by time itself. We were getting older.

Ronald loaded the blow gun with a three-inch dart and put his mouth to its other end. The duck pecked the water and waddled its orange feet. It put its head up. The head stayed up. The head bobbed a few times. Phuuop.

The duck shook hideously. It flapped its side upon the water. It made sounds I have not heard from a duck. It did not quack. It hissed. The water splashed wild all around it. We froze. What had we expected? I looked to Ronald, whose eyes seemed slowly to recede behind a veneer of contrived triumph. He got it! He got it, he got it…

We looked quite closely. With care, one could just make out in the thrashing duck’s neck the neon-green pin—the duck thrashed to its other side and we could see the needle’s point protruding through its flesh.

Horror.

We paddled towards it. We considered firing another shot: kill it, kill it, kill. We could not decide. We paddled away then we paddled back towards it but the duck thrashed fast, faster and faster and it struggled through the water, into the lily pads, and we lost sight of it, but we could hear it still.

We breathed in. I do not know why, at this point, Vandover decided to shoot a duck himself, but I can’t say I blame him. It was his turn. Ronald and I had already gone. I may have missed, but Ronald’s strike was all of ours, and when Vandover shot his duck in the side, and it began thrashing—though mercifully for us, not hissing—I felt it as though I had shot it myself.

We chased this duck in our canoe as well, but this time with unexpectedly minimal heart. We wanted to put it out of its misery and we did in earnest try. But the duck—this second duck—thrashed into a public viewable area, from which other caboozers might see what we had done.

After some minutes, we decided to turn back, leave the duck to its fate as we went to our own.

We returned the canoe to Ronald’s car, at the Foster Island parking lot, subdued, straining with anxious humor to make light of the horror we had become on this day of promise. We had planned to reconvene later, to prepare and roast the duck, but we left these plans unacknowledged and we went our separate ways. ▩


An earlier version of this article incorrectly referred to the blow gun weapon as “blue” and “plastic.” In fact it was red and metallic.

Fire in the Rain

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life Travel

Nov 01, 2018


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Tavish and I set up my half dome™ under a leaning tree in a rain storm, which is an un-Tavish-like thing to do.

We think we are alone and we think we are hot stuff because the rain is pounding and there we are dry, if smelly, in the half-dome™ along Horseshoe Lake in the bosom of the Wallowa Mountain Range in Northeast Oregon.

Then I see Tavish sticking his waving outward from tent. I peer up yonder way: two cloaked Tusken Raiders descend from the mountain forest above.

They come closer: in fact they are not Tusken Raiders but human-beings in drenched cloak-like ponchos. Tavish greets them. I do not exit the tent.

Tavish returns and we pity them, for they do not have their tent set up and they are cold and they are wet. Together we stew in the fart and foot fungus juices of our small unbreathing half dome™, but at least we are dry. Ha! Ha!

We are here because Tavish, an earnest old friend from Seattle childhood, anong whose great virtues is an uncommonly open heart, was willing at my cajoling to take a chance on a mountain range that was not the Cascades or the Olympics.And so we took a trip to make a new memory.

You, reader whether visitor or lifelong dweller of the valley, might consider replicating the trip yourself, whether in raw substance or ethereal form.

 —  —

Tavish arrives and we leave at dawn into the rain and the thunder and a prospect of lingering snow inhibiting our early-season jaunt. Two hours to Joseph through approximately five distinct landscapes — wheat to low mountain-pine to rolling intermountain grasslands to curvy Minam River valleys to the final spectacular cowboy-romantic quintessence: the Wallowa valley, where fields borne of lava flows spawn rolling grass, give unexpected way — no foothill intermediary — what is this, the Cascades? — to basalt and granite mountains, stark-of-point, risen in eons past under gnashing billowing forces of the earthen core.

I’ve skied the Wallowas in winter. You should too — take an avalanche training course first — but the late spring in the Eagle Cap Wilderness is a spectacle unto its own.

There is a ranger station in Joseph just off the main drag. The rangers are kind and predictably cautious, “prophets of doom” as one hiker we would encounter would say. File their word seriously, but seek other accounts as well.

We took the Wallowa Lake trailhead onto the West-Fork Wallowa River Trail due South on a slow-rising single track, pocked with the occasional horse poop, up, up into the mountain valley.

Two miles to the turn to Ice Lake, a gem. If you are doing the one night turn here; if not do as we do, continue forth straight to Six-Mile Meadow.

Do not put your boots back on after you cross the first river because there will be a second crossing around the bend. There are scattered precarious logs that will convey you across, dry, unless you slip, but having experimented with both methodologies, I say just ford the sucker.

We ascend in the white fog and rain and we have no view but the mountains are there and we know it and it makes our trek feel epic. The switchbacks up to Horseshoe Lake render the the trail unexpectedly mild, given the terrain. Tavish recounts a route he once took in Switzerland that forsook switchbacks entirely; instead hikers marched directly up a 50-degree face. Bizarrely, he said, the trail was paved. We speculate as to what these details reveal about the spirit of the Swiss.

We wonder what our own paths reveal about ourselves.

 —  —  —

The last time I saw Tavish for a substantive period of time was the fall of 2016, on the day of the presidential election. I had hitchhiked much of the United States, first sticking the thumb at the Eastbound U.S. Highway 12 entrance on Wilbur Avenue here in Walla Walla.

After a month of travel I arrived in Boston for the big day. The weather was gorgeous. Tavish and I took a casual morning run around the Back Bay Fens park and I vomited half-way through from exhaustion and told him to go on without me.

We watched the returns from his high-rise dorm that night. I remember that there was nothing to say and I listened to the voices of defeat and victory through the airport-bound Uber radio and travelled under the Logan Airport tunnel and it turned to static and the driver shook his head in silence and occasionally said, enigmatically, “I don’t even blame him.”

A recent standout mechanical engineering graduate from Northeastern University, Tavish has become something of a woke globe-trotting cosmopolitan in recent years. He swears more; he does theatre. He is an engineer, a problem-solver, and yet these days it ever-more seems the problems in which he is most interested tend to be the essentially unsolvable ones. He is a fastidious fellow, but he is also somewhat bold and it has become difficult to say which quality is more basic. He gives lie to the dichotomy Anthony Bourdain posited in writing: “your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park.”

After a brush with contemporary Tavish, one might ask: “why can’t it be both?”

I am not an engineer and I am not problem-solver and my body is neither temple nor amusement park. As then in Boston, and here in the Wallowas, the contrasts of Tavish and I emerge best via clean juxtaposition.

For example, Tavish recently became vegan, and he is self-conscious of the meme (How do you know someone is a vegan?They’ll tell you, etc…) but I permitted him to inform me of the literature, specifically the China Study which I am told all of us should read because it will teach us How Not to Die (incidentally, the name of another recommended book), apprising us via rigorous scientific study of the strong correlations between animal-product ingestion and all the diseases that make you perish earlier than was initially foretold.

Another example is I bring a toothbrush camping only because I think Tavish will think it strange (at best) that I did not bring a toothbrush on a three-night camping trip. It is only when Tavish begins using his toothbrush that I feel obliged to use my own, for appearances sake, and although I did not bring toothpaste I pretend to rifle through my bag looking for it such that he thinks I did and then I make a motion only the periphery of which he can see which suggests that I am at that moment applying toothpaste to my dirty toothbrush — in fact I am not .

Then we start brushing in simultaneity, and after approximately thirty seconds I have brushed my teeth as much as I feel like and he has clearly just begun so I keep brushing keep brushing keep brushing, but I am getting very bored so eventually, having determined that I have brushed sufficiently long to keep basic appearances, I spit, taking care so as to obscure the discharge such that he cannot see that it is not a substantive bubbly froth of toothpaste but a mere thin spray of saliva, alone.

Anyways we are sitting there, feeling superior and pitying the Tusken Raiders when Tavish smells something and glances out.

“Is that a fire?”

The rain hammers the rain fly like marbles on a wood floor so I say no it’s not you fool how could they possibly have done that in these conditions?

Tavish tells me to look for myself— billowing smoke emerges from the campsite across the trail.

It can’t be, but it is.

The refrain of our mercurial time. This juxtaposition: us cold and tent-bound and the newcomers by-roaring fire, turns out to be somewhat emasculating. The fire is a power-move, an implicit assertion of their alpha-status.

We continue to stew as heretofore described, but now augmented by a tinge of snarling resentment and self-pity. Eventually we collect our dignity and investigate how the hell this is possible — did they bring a god-damned duraflame log?

It is a dog and it is a woman and it is a man. They are researchers, the woman and man — not sure about the dog — for NOAA in Newport, Oregon. We convene standing around the smoky wet fire.

The dog amicably attacks me. The man tells the dog, “aren’t you supposed to be dying or something” in regards to the dog’s ostensible coldness and wetness from which it has only recently received respite underneath a rainfly.

“How did you do it?” we ask. The man pulls out a little baggie filled of small marble-sized white balls. He tells us they are cotton balls that have been dipped in vaseline.

The woman offers us some extra cotton balls ourselves but the man grumbles something about how they have another night or two and she reaffirms her offer to us and there is tension and we say no no no thanks we are good but we will use the cotton ball technique in the future and preach its gospel (this article hence).

Anyways we continue up to Glacier Lake the next day. The last day we go to Ice Lake, which is spectacular as promised. Then we go to Terminal Gravity Brewery in Enterprise where I chomp a juicy burger in Tavish’s face while he eats hummus and pita bread, and now here, upon profound reflection, is a last, special-bonus takeaway just for you:

The night after the emasculating fire, the clouds temporarily broke and light shone on the distant mounts of snow and ice. In the clearing we saw where we were, which was on the shores of a glassy-clear alpine lake deep ringed by massive unworldly peaks in foreground and background both. Tavish worked for one hour to make a fire, experimenting with new strategies new techniques to turn water logged-wood into flame. No dice. He tinkered and tinkered long beyond when I lost hope and left him some pity-tinder: a few pages from Cormac MccArthy’s All the Pretty Horses and also some waxy pages from the boring beginning part of the “New Yorker” Magazine.

He orients the pages vertical via some strange bark contraption structure and tinkers and tinkers further.

And then it catches, the contraption. Traction. I am called to duty, collect with all speed, prepare and organize a clean inventory of fuel. Stat! Stat! Stat!

We feed the flame with a cautious care. Shavings, one at a time.

The flame lingers, evaporates the water, lingers still, produces thick steam through the surrounding bark. And then it grows hot.

Donald Mayo Skirts His Own Death

One week. Two weeks. Three years. Immortal.

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Fiction

Apr 01, 2018


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“He decided to build a company that would solve death.”

—The New Yorker on Bill Marris, CEO of Google Ventures, 2017

“He was taken from the coffin and again placed in the electric chair.

—Arkansas newspaper on botched execution, 1923

Ever since Bill Marris and Google solved death, the weekly rhythm of Donald Mayo’s, and all of America’s life centers on the story of the everyday-Jane or Joe mainstreet-type winner, from a place like Wilmington Vermont, and how he or she is granted life-eternal.

Donald Mayo, for his part, is a goner, and knows it, too. Two weeks. The day is May 18th, 2025 and he is to die on June 1st, when the elephant cloud passes over the waning crescent moon.

Donald, when he learns this, does not think to himself, “shoot.” He also does not consider his sister, who must soon spend time with their mother consoling her and arranging the relatives. He does not consider the overburdened public servant for the deceased, who will have to erase Donald’s profile from the registry. He does not foresee the sexless night the corpse-retrievers will spend retrieving his corpse, nor the boredom of the mortuary artist who will widen and moisten cadaver-Donald’s dead eyeballs for display to uncle Jordan, and cousin Sue, and friend Laura at the funeral.

Donald Mayo is selfish that way.

Donald is sitting on the chair in his kitchen, and listening to Iggy Pop, whose work he admires, and he is deciding what to do in the time before his death when he notices that he has to urinate. On his toilet, he has one of those fun fact calendars that you’re supposed to tear out every day. His is trivia themed. On February 7th, it asks you what Otto Titzling was famous for, and then if you look on the back it tells you that it was for inventing the bra. Donald gets a kick out of this and he is excited to tell Laura. He rips the paper off to reveal the next one. February 8th. Cats don’t meow to communicate with other cats. February 9th: The 46th president of the United States raised a colony of lizards and he ate one every morning for strength. Then he washes his hands and calls his friend Laura and they play some chess online and he messages her about his facts and they amuse her.

“Haha,” she writes.

Then Donald makes himself a quesadilla with shredded mozzarella cheese with refried beans from an aluminum can.

The newest lottery winner pops up on Donald Mayo’s telephone. Her name is Roslyn Kane, and she is a  ballet dancer from Wilmington, Vermont. “Now she’ll be da-da-da dancing into the next millennium!” yells the announcer.

Donald knows his death is true because the fortune teller that confirmed it had corroborating evidence. You know how when someone, like a public figure, is accused of rape or sexual deviance, the allegations include a description of the declination of the accused’s penis, or of the dark mole on the underside of his scrotum? It is kind of like that.

The foreknowledge of his fast-approaching death has altered Donald Mayo’s approach, in small ways.

For example, Donald, when he is tired and inclined to go to bed early, he reminds himself “you can sleep when you’re dead.”

Donald also decides to take one of his vacation weeks. His employer is irked at the short notice, but Donald gives his assurance that he will work twice as hard when he returns.

He lies.

Donald flies to Cuba, where he takes a two-hour salsa lesson, and drinks three Daiquiri’s at La Floridita, just like Hemingway used to.

While there, he prepares his will, which stipulates that his body should go to the Biology Lab at Kalamazoo, his alma matter, to which he still maintains a tepid allegiance. He’d studied Anthropology there, and he once tried the drug LSD with his friend Ramiro. He’d written a note to himself: “ride the wave.” Ramiro thought that was pretty good.

Donald returns from Cuba with an beach-bod-bronze, and a half gallon of 7-year Havana Club Rum. He knows he will never personally drink it, but he thinks it will make a fine gift for the executor of his will. The new tan makes sense considering what the fortune teller told him about his approaching death.


Donald had ingested “the pill” on an easy Spring Sunday, the night after a moderately-successful date with Lauren at the concert of the indie-punk band “See-Saw.”

He’d bought the pill weeks before from 7/11, on a whim. It sat on his bedside table, and sometimes he looked at it as he fell asleep at night.

The morning he took it, the morning after his successful date, he was feeling lucky. The government lottery’s flip side, of course, was no secret. Eternal life ~ 1:1000. Instant death ~ 1:1000. Unaffected death ~ 1:10. All other probabilities put you somewhere in the middle. But it told you when. 100 years. 100 days. 100 hours. That was the appeal. Citizens want to know.  And so they memorized the code on their pill, tattooed it on their belly, chanted it in their dreams, taught it to their babies and pet parrots and then, when the time was ripe, they swallowed the pill and then the expectant wait to the drawing at half-time of the Sunday Night Football game.

A grand winner from drawings past called the numbers. One week. Two weeks. Three years. Immortal. Jackpot, baby. Donald took the pill the night before the drawing.

When Donald learned that the pill would painlessly dissolve the lining of his stomach in two weeks, he felt not sadness but curiosity, naturally, as to the context. He consulted the fortune teller to fill in the details. Booze and hammers, sidewalk slammers, the woman said. His death, he deduced, would involve such things, or maybe, rather, such things would involve his death.


About one week before his death, Donald begins to panic. He wakes up and sprints around his city block again and again with heaving and wailing sobs. When he tires, he returns home and sits in his comfy blue chair. He has a pennant on his wall for the Kalamazoo football team. It says “Go Hornets” and it has a drawing of a bee on it. The mug on his coffee table says “Sunset Crater Volcano National Monument.” His mother sent it to him on his 42nd birthday and sometimes he likes to put coffee or hot cocoa in it.

He is now 44.

Donald’s doorbell rings. Ding-dong. He expects that it is his next-door neighbor Joey, who often wishes to borrow Donald’s guitar. It is not Joey, but a short Asian man who Donald has never seen before. The man does not appear to desire to sell Donald subscriptions to lifestyle magazines, nor canvas him to donate for the local Boys and Girls club.

Donald says, “hello.”

The man says “Hi, my name is Sam and I’m just trying to make a few honest bucks. I noticed you have some weeds in your garden, and I thought I might take them out for you, for a modest fee. I’m just trying to make a few honest bucks.”

Donald has not noticed that his small garden has weeds, but he looks, and finds that Sam’s observations are astute. He tells Sam sure and thanks and closes the door and then his phone rings.

Donald picks it up and says, “hello.”

“Donald,” says his mother. “It’s been so long.”


Donald Mayo wades through heavy car traffic to see his mother Mary-Sue, who lives in the Woodinger Retirement Home. She has a new lover she wants him to meet. Name is Charlie Jackson, and Donald is going to join them for crackers and honey.

Donald’s mother warned him: Charlie has edge. Might not be exactly what he expects. She said it on the phone. Seemed a little nervous, was light on the details.

He did a regional scan for Charlie Jackson, and it returned two options. One was a retired geriatric urologist. The other Charlie Jackson was a registered youth baseball coach. His team, the “Mariners,” won the regional championship two years straight.

Donald Mayo of course, has no time to waste. He twiddles his fingers on the dashboard.

Trucker’s balls hang from Donald’s truck. If you don’t know what trucker’s balls are, they are hanging metal balls that truckers hang from their rear-bumpers that are meant to resemble the scrotum and testicles of a human male. They dangle and quake with the bumps in the road. They entered the cultural lexicon in 2016, but in the intervening years between then and 2025, they took America by storm. According to the 2020 census, 72% of American car owners hung trucker’s balls from their car. Donald wishes that he were not partaking in this particular cultural fever, but the truck’s previous owner rigged the balls with a strange one-way bolting apparatus that makes removal of the trucker’s balls unusually difficult.

“I got em on sale,” said Ronny, the young man who sold Donald the truck, in regards to the trucker’s balls.

One of these days, Donald intends to get the right tools to remove the balls.

Charlie, Donald learns, is the baseball coach. Donald also learns that Charlie is a black man, and Mary-Sue claims that he is a poet as well. He is passionate, he says, about the dialectical as a means of achieving philosophical grace. Charlie and Mary-Sue and Donald enjoy their crackers and honey on Mary-Sue’s porch. At some point, when dialectical grows sterile, Mary-Sue tells Donald that he ought to check out Charlie’s new story. Charlie looks at his toes and Donald says yes he would love to and Charlie pulls up the story on his phone and hands the phone to Donald. The story, which is called “The Southerner,” begins with this epigraph:

Cleanthes of Assos, son of Phanias. He was a boxer at first, according to Antisthenes in his Successions. He arrived in Athens with four drachmas, as some say, and meeting Zeno he began to philosophize most nobly and stayed with the same doctrines. He was famous for his love of hard work; since he was a poor man he undertook to work for wages. And by night he laboured at watering gardens, while be day he exercised himself in arguments…

-From the Letters of Cicero

          And then it begins like this:

“Ah, Cleanthes of Assos, son of Phanias, if we do meet again,” said Pardolthome the Strange, son of Daripinix, upon seeing Cleanthes in the street on the way to the market.

Cleanthes paid Pardolthome little mind, for he was off to a dialectical with Drolter. They were to debate whether indeed the atom fell through void, and if it was by intelligent design or by mindless chance. Cleanthes posited that it fell by chance, and his argument was handsome indeed.

But Pardolthome was not to be shaken off. “Have you seen the new zoo in town?” he called out, quite loudly.

Cleanthes, amidst the hustle of the Athenian noon, pretended to hear naught a thing. He twirled his head right, and then left and right again, so as to appear above it all, as he walked along.

Pardolthome called again:” The zoo! It’s in town, just down the way if you will join me.

Cleanthes did join Pardolthome to the zoo. He had indeed heard that it was in town, and his interest was piqued, despite the pretense of indifference he made for Pardolthome the Strange. His boy had actually told him that the men were Egyptian, and the women from southerner yet, and their skin was dark as ash. The zoo, his boy had told him, was not to be missed. “A spectacle by Zeus himself, the boy said. Indeed, thought Cleanthes of Assos, I must not miss it…

Entry was three drachmas per person. One extra for the beautiful boy. The zoo teemed with Athenians, men and their beautiful boys. The cage was in the center and the keeper described the properties of the Egyptians inside. He did not mention the Southerner seated alone on the floor of the far side of the cage.

Cleanthes of Assos yawned. The spectacle bored him. He had his dialectical to prepare for…

Cleanthes of Assos did not fancy Pardolthome the Strange and he accompanied him to engagements such as that of the visiting-zoo only when no one was available for dialectical. Pardolthome the Strange did not engage in dialectical. He said there was “no such thing as a dialectical.” Hearing this frequently, Cleanthes of Assos attempted numerous dialecticals to persuade Pardolthome the Strange to his side in regards to the dialectical.

The cage, in the center of a gravelly arena, contained three Egyptians, and then The Southerner, who sat across the stage from the Egyptians. The Egyptians were popular because they interacted with onlookers. They responded to stimuli, even appeared to murmur between one another. The Athenians discussed excitedly how the Egyptians reminded them of themselves, and wondered what was wrong with The Southerner.

Cleanthes of Assos stood among them, and he was telling his boy how it is silly to think that atoms fall through void because there is no such thing as void. He scoffed at the Epicureans. He said that even when he was a travelling boxer, fighting hard for one or two measly drachmas per fight, he could have concocted a more harmonious theory of the Universe than those imaginative fools.

A fight broke out between The Egyptians in the cage, and the Athenians and their beautiful boys were all startled. The shouting was unintelligible, but one could detect a latent frustration surfaced. It seemed as though the shorter Egyptian had said something passive-aggressive like, “the wash bucket is over by the Southerner, and look, the water is still warm,” and one of the dirtier Egyptians snapped. The zoo keeper had to enter the cage to intervene. He offered the starving Egyptians bread when they calmed down. The zoo keeper was red with embarrassment. Usually his exhibitions were better behaved then this. He offered a refund to dissatisfied patrons.

Cleanthes of Assos, son of Phanias commented to his beautiful boy that the Egyptians should have engaged in a dialectical. He also told this to the zoo keeper when he went to retrieve his drachmas. He suggested the zoo keeper let him attempt to instruct his Egyptians in the art of the dialectical, such that this sort of incident would never again repeat itself…”

Donald reads Charlie’s short story up to this point, and then he gets bored and stops. He tells Charlie he thinks it is pretty good. Charlie grunts thanks. Donald says goodbye to his mother for the last time and drives home.

Donald’s mood in the car is a low and even flame, a flat encompassing boredom, as though he has spent the day in a classical art museum. It is not pressure exactly that he feels. The inevitability of his fate has preemptively deflated any notion of real stakes. But he is tired. That’s it.  There was a line in Steinbeck’s East of Eden that Donald once loved. Something about the drama and tragedy and ecstasy of the original life, how time takes dimension from these momentary stake-posts on which it is draped, or something to that effect. Feels hollow now, to Donald Mayo. Dimension of that sort has been illusory, he supposes.

He drives by a casino, and then five minutes later a billboard with a suicide hotline. He turns around back to the casino. It is called “Crazy-Bull Resort.” Donald Mayo has $12,358 in his savings account, and he puts it all on chips. Goes up in $5 blackjack, Goes down on a $1,200 roulette roll. Loses the whole lot on a daring gamble on the Kalamazoo basketball game. He watches it in the bar. Has a Jack and Coke and then another. Can’t walk straight. Wanders about and the people are ugly and unnaturally large. Some people look like lizards. One of them, whose hat is sideways, seated behind a slot, says to Donald, “cool it, bro.” Donald tells the man to “stand his bitch-ass up.” The man turns his hat 180 degrees so that it is sideways the other way, and then he obliges, stands ready to rumble. Donald kicks him in the nuts and turns and runs through the colors and the sonic web of clangs and booms and clicks and dongs and they are after him, and his chips are all gone and he darts left and the wounded man trails mere feet behind him and the young and green security guard in his fancy uniform catches sight of the action and the taser is out and Donald blasts through the glass doors and the atmosphere clears and the moon is high and the clouds are distant, far downwind to the East. A clearing to the West and even a star. A cool wind through the dimly-lit parking lot. Chills Donald at the cheeks. Turns them pink and red. A rumble and sharp voices swell at his back. No individual voice stands out.  He does not turn to face his adversaries. Donald Mayo prefers to to see the sky, the plane at cruising altitude overhead, the glow of the distant prison, the red lights on the highway, and he grasps with trembling hands at these distant things. ▩


Postcard From Cuba: Goodbye Barack

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life Travel

Jan 16, 2017


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And the patriarch lost his first crop
to weeds, threw a rod in the tractor,
dug a basement and moved the trailer on
for extra bedrooms, cut the water lines
for a ditch, subdivided the farm
and sold the pigs for sausage. I told John
they were his, they were no longer mine,
I couldn’t be responsible.

The wire connecting our voices was silent
for a moment. “You stupid sonofabitch,” was all
he finally said. “You poor stupid bastard.”

David Lee, “The Farm”

***

It is the 2016th year of our lord and the curvy lady hails a ‘55 Chevy Belair Machina on Calle Neptuno. It rumbles and putts black soot. She has finished her day’s work at the ministry. She is the Socialist Man, a willful and content cog in the great machine. But does she feel deeply any injustice, committed anywhere? Does she see the forest and not the tree? Does she comprehend the evil in this world? Does she feel it may be vanquished? Does she understand her social duty? Does she know she must sacrifice? The woman is a silhouette in the twilight, she and the American car of the old world an afterglow of the dream.

And if in this dream we find corporeal Havana, the lived aesthetic, then in the ubiquitous Alberto Korda photograph of Che Guevara, ideological godfather to Cuban socialism, amigo to Fidel himself, we find the platonic and divine ideal. Che: the doctor and the executioner, the fighter and the sex machine, the hard-line commie and the vagabond, the banker and the poet, the man deemed by Jean Paul Sartre to be “not only an intellectual but also the most complete human being of our age.” Since his death, Che has come to exist in the heroic domain, but even in life he knew himself in historical terms. As he prepared to enter a doomed war against western-backed leaders in the Congo, he wrote:

I wish to say, at the risk of appearing ridiculous, that the true revolutionary is guided by strong feelings of love. It is impossible to think of an authentic revolutionary without this quality. This is perhaps one of the greatest dramas of a leader; he must combine an impassioned spirit with a cold mind and make painful decisions without flinching one muscle. Our vanguard revolutionaries must idealize their love of the people, for the most sacred causes, and make it one and indivisible. They cannot descend, with small doses of daily affection, to the places where ordinary men put their love into practice.

Che had a dream, and its realization was contingent on the education and basic re-forming of man itself. Morality would be its own incentive. Transcending the newly conscious individual, who would “readily pay his or her quota of sacrifice,” the socialist dream would live on. Transcending even the nation of Cuba, itself at the vanguard, whose fate might easily have rested in nuclear annihilation (a risk which both Che and Fidel, on its behalf, made clear they were willing to take) for its misdeeds against the corrosive and enslaving forces of imperialism, the moral “satisfaction of fulfilling a duty” would be enough.

***

I flew from Boston to Cuba, a journey made possible by the belated new policy of the Obama administration, in the wee morning hours after the American election. My Uber driver shook his head as Trump’s acceptance speech turned to static in the tunnel to Logan International. “I don’t even blame him,” he said. He kept repeating it. He was a large man, probably half black. His voice was deep. “I don’t even blame him. He ran a campaign on bigotry, and that’s what people wanted.”

And then, still in a daze and literally ill, I was teleported and all of the sudden – (oooweee) – Havana, where the balls on even the little doggies hang low, and uniformed high school couples cop feels on the park bench, and the manly men scrub their Vespas, and the children whack a bound-rag with a baseball bat, and the reggaetón rumbles, and the saggy-eyed women take it in from the stoop (and the edgy ones sip on three year Havana Club rum from old plastic water bottles), and churros are 5 pesos, no extra charge for the leche.

Some billboards in Havana say “Embargo: The longest genocide in history,” and they depict the island in a noose. Others say “health for all” on a sky-blue background and they render the flag into a heart. Near the Bay of Pigs, a lorry driver learns things like this is the furthest the mercenaries got, or this is where Fidel fired from the tank, or this is how many years into the revolution we are. In 2016 the number was 58.

Fidel once said that elections were not necessary because his ascendancy meant the people were in power. That was 1959, shortly after the revolution, and the people roared in approval in the Revolutionary Square. When he died in November, college students marched en masse to the same Revolutionary Square, chanting “I am Fidel, I am Fidel.” Even graffiti, typically reserved for political subversion, colored the city: “Yo Soy Fidel.” And, all the while, the first commercial flight from the US to Havana in half a century touched town at Jose Marti airport.

Cuba ranks 171st in the world on the Reporters Without Borders press freedom index (The United States ranks 41st). Monolithic state run media and repression of dissident bloggers and slow and expensive state internet are among the culprits. The woman I lived with in Central Havana told me that in her opinion, anyone who protests the government does so not out of genuine conviction, but out of greed for the kickbacks they surely receive from the Miami Cubans (whose dastardly nature was confirmed by reports of people dancing in the streets of Miami-day after Fidel’s death). She also said that literally every problem of the Cuban state was traceable to the U.S. embargo. It’s worth noting that Barack Obama told Jon Lee Anderson, who wrote an excellent biography of Che, that his Cuba policy is designed “not to take America out of the equation but to remove it as an excuse for Cuba feeling trapped in its past.”

img_20161119_124734

***

It’s inspiring to read about people like Che, who took the world by the horns, who were individually consequential, and knew it, too. They make you wanna stop fucking around. You learn about them and you go home feeling like you have some agency in the scheme.

And yet you also wonder about Che, vanguard revolutionary, with his historical self-consciousness, with his disdain for the moderate, with his fatalism and his epic eschatology of global political revolution – what was life like for him at the day-to-day level?

His beloved mother wrote to him after the Cuban revolution: “do my letters sound odd to you? I don’t know if we’ve lost the natural way of talking used to have, or whether we never did have it.” And the letter ends, “yes you’ll always be a foreigner. That seems to be your destiny forever.”

Che wanted to export the revolution to his home country of Argentina, and it was largely this ambition that brought him to Bolivia. Upon his capture by the Bolivian military, Che was said, perhaps apocryphally, to have told his executioner “I know you’ve come to kill me. Shoot, you are only going to kill a man.” He thought the revolution would continue. He thought the vision would be realized. It was bigger than him, and it did not need him any longer. He never did go home.

And now, as the United States inauguration approaches, and we feel not just as individuals but as a nation or even as a world that dark wind rising towards us from somewhere (perhaps not so deep) in our collective future, we grasp for visions. We listen to our departing president, who has always, as David Remnick puts it, taken “the long view,” who has said that “at the end of the day we’re part of a long-running story. We just try to get our paragraph right.” The message feels almost radical now, as he hands the job off to a depraved and cynical man who is pathologically convinced of his own personal greatness.

Barack Obama, reader and writer, student of the American tradition, says that the revolution has already occurred. He says that the groundwork is not in fact rotten but sound, and will remain thus so long as we keep our own cynicisms at bay. He tells us what feels woo-woo and trite in this cynical age, things we’ve heard before, that the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice if we try.

And what he tells us finally, is that he can and will descend proudly to the realm of the ordinary men, because this is where meaning has matter, and this is where revolution has substance, and this is where sacred causes have grounding because it’s the level at which life is lived, and here, as part of the motley society he has presided over for eight years, quietly working to get his paragraph right, he will put his love into a hopeful practice.

Get Your Pistol, White Man

Postcard from Standing Rock

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life Travel

Nov 15, 2016


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I rode shotgun across the American west with reformed heroin distributers fresh off the biweekly breakfast with young sons presently under foster care (“on track to get him back by Christmas!”); farmer couples jonesing to a back alley the next town over where a restaurant leaves its food scraps (“gotta go quick, fore’ that sonovabitch Roger gets to it”); asphalt pavers on a wind-turbine road project (“them miners out there, they fuck Indian girls and get all the overtime”); industrial-air-conditioner-maintenance-plan salesmen whose rifles ride shotgun, just in case a righteous buck appears on the route to their son’s university (“I swear I’m not a serial killer. Ha!!!! Ha!!!!!”… “I’ll take ya ten miles farther f’you spot me some antlers!”); forest firewomen with some weed and the totality of their personal possessions, rumbling the old van to a buddy’s show in yonder Bozeman, then a musician’s collaborative event a thousand miles further down the way, happily free of these punk ass, all-male 21-year-olds and their allegedly garbage music (“get that ‘fuck nigger bitch’ shit out of here”); bearded men who apologize at their scratchy labored attempts at speaking, but the good news is that as of two days ago the leukemia is officially in remission; pickup trucks of bulky American Indian men, bound to the largest gathering of indigenous peoples in a century, to join in solidarity and prayer.

Soon after the latter lift I was returning from the “front lines.” Walking back to the forward camp“Rosebud,” “sacred ground”and the mist, which had laid heavy and low before the rolling yellow North Dakota plains did battle with the midday sun. A native woman on a red four-wheeler caught up with me and offered a ride to the camp. I hopped on the back. Hard throttle. Engine roar. My dangling feet flailed with the g’s and I hurriedly tamed them. I was aware (and was pleased) that I was being seen with this woman. She conferred a certain legitimacy on my confused presence. I locked into a thoughtful pensive squint, channeling the macho reporter archetype.

We passed the former road block (the new one was farther up the road); hay bales and wood and tire detritus on either roadside. A couple of twenty-something Lakota boys guided their horses to the wired fence line, behind which the earth had been cleared and flattened and repurposed in preparation for the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would link crude from the Bakken Oil fields to the broader oil pipe network in Illinois to be refined. White pickup trucks, private security for Energy Transfer Partners, the company behind the pipeline, formed a line atop the distant hill. Two orange dune buggies spied from closer still. A native man borrowed my telephoto lens for a closer look. The boys on the horses yelled out to them: “Hey motherfuckers, we’re gonna die for your kids.”


That morning, just before the arrival of the ubiquitous Jesse Jackson, tribal leaders met with authorities on North Dakota State Route Highway 1806, just north of the frontline, where protestors had set up a roadblock.

Some reporters were permitted to observe the exchange. I had sheepishly offered “Mangoprism” to obtain my media credential. LA Times. Mother Jones. Mangoprism. Dream Team.

Two police officers filmed the meeting. Two black Iraq war surplus IED resistant M-Raps loomed through the fog.

Cass County sheriff Paul Laney of Fargo was clear and firm: he wanted the roadblock cleared and the private land vacated.

“We don’t want this,” he said. “We don’t want confrontation. I think it’s awesome that you guys are taking a stand in what you believe in. You can do it in the court of public opinion. You can do it in in the media.”

“We’ll lose all those places,” said the elder.

“You don’t know that. You don’t know that.”

“We’ve lost this land to your government.”

Morton County Sheriff Kyle Kirchmeier, who some likened to a “modern-day Bull Connor” stood relatively silent through the majority of the exchange. Protestors had taken umbrage with his characterizations in the press of the mostly peaceful demonstrations as “riots” (in fact protest leadership, however disorganized, by most accounts worked studiously to maintain the peace).

Kirchmeier’s remarks rendered him illegitimate in the eyes of the protestors, and so Sheriff Laney of Fargo headed the talks. He frequently invoked his oath to “uphold the laws of the state of North Dakota.” He detailed the manner of ways in which he respected the culture and familial ties of the Natives. He vehemently denied any personal connection to the oil companies (“no one owns me!”).

The sheriff misunderstood one elder’s point that the pipeline was rerouted to its present and problematic path only after the people of Bismarck revolted against the original proposal, which had the pipeline upstream from their water supply. Laney, who perhaps thought the elder was referencing one of the heinous government treaty violations of the past (as opposed to the heinous environmental racism of the present) cut him off: “I’m sorry, I wasn’t alive back then.”

The elder said, “We’ve gotten to the point where we’ve been pushed up again the wall.”

“So is this about water and oil, or is this about 140 years?”

“This is about everything. All of it. We’ve had enough. We’ve, had, enough.”


Back on the four-wheeler. Rosebud approached. Drums and chants. The refrain: this is not protest but prayer. They lined the road. They watched the pickup trucks on the crest of the hill. They watched the circling helicopter. A white man tracked the chopper with his middle finger. A native woman stomped back and forth soft and slow, eyes closed, chanting a song. A fire crackled by the entrance to camp, tended by a few white dread locked security guys. Older white couples worked their stoves. Teepees sprung up amongst the tents and vans (a Lakota reporter I came up with told me that when she leaves the reservation, people always ask “do you guys really live in teepees?” She flashed a smile: “And now I can say ‘yes,’ because we actually do!”).

I told the woman driving the four-wheeler that here was good. No response. I told her again more loudly. Did she just accelerate? We passed the camp. Another mile to the main camp. Open country between. I told her to stop; she cut me off: “who are you?” The wind muffed. The motor rumbled.

“Andrew.” She drove on.

“Why are you here?”

“To see what was happen-“

“Why are you making trouble?”

“What?” We drove faster still. A turn nearly threw me from the vehicle. I tightened my grip.

“Why are you making trouble?”

My stomach grew queasy. The plains rolled on for miles into the west.

You heard some casual apocalyptic battle rhetoric around the encampments (last stand, front lines, oh man some of these women ready to die, get every able-bodied man you can to help dig out the Penske truck, no surrender, no retreat). I’d probed, not a little skeptically, for inauthenticity, for make-believe in these voices. Hard to know. Maybe not mine to question.

She said she said she was told I intimidated people in the camp. She said she was told I wore a mask.

I laughed. Exhale. We cruised to a stop and she turned to see me. Probably in her forties. A gentle smile. I told her who I am. She said there was a troublemaker reported that matched my description. Her manner softened. She took my hand. She gave me her name. I pointed out that there were a number of skinny tallish white boys about. She laughed, told me to be safe, and turned around, and returned me to the forward camp.


Marisol de La Cadena, a UC Davis anthropologist, has written of a rising tide of indigenous politics in which the rights of “earth-beings,” mountains, rivers, “Pachamama,” are invoked at levels so mainstream as the Ecuadorian constitution (much, she notes, to the chagrin of even relatively progressive leaders like Ecuadorian president Rafael Correa, who deemed “infantile” the coalition that spawned such language). The implications of this trend conflict irreconcilably with a political hegemony that makes an ontological distinction between human and nature, with an extractivist global economy that the environmental reporter Naomi Klein describes as “the opposite of stewardship… The reduction of life into objects for the use of others, giving them no integrity or value of their ownturning living, complex ecosystems into ‘natural resources,’…. The reduction of human beings into labor to be brutally extracted… or, alternatively, into social burdens, problems to be locked away in prisons, or reservations.”

Enter North Dakota shale oil boom, brought to you by unconventional, highly unstable and little-understood new horizontal drilling practices like Hydraulic Fracturing, undertaken at ludicrous speed at a mass scale by a multibillion dollar industry with an enormous lobbying infrastructure and a well-documented history of corruption and intimidation-tactics, all in a small government red-state with, reads a 2014 New York Times report, a “slender regulatory system built on neighborly trust, verbal warnings and second chances.”

Enter a truly despicable history of land-grabs and forced assimilation by the ever-encroaching American Government, all in a Dakota region once signed almost in its entirety over to local tribes. The Sioux Nation. Its borders eroded and eroded and eroded again as new technology or amoral greed located new justification to penetrate and extract.

And so enter the Sioux Nation, and its vestige, Standing Rock, the land of rolling plains and buffalo. The land of Little Big Horn and Wounded Knee. Of  flooding, courtesy of the United States Army Corps of Engineers, of compulsory boarding school attendance, courtesy of the United States Department of the Interior. They say their blood connects them to the land. It connects them to past. It connects them to future. They cannot leave.


I left Standing Rock in the van of a recent graduate of the University of Minneapolis, who characterized his time at the protests as perhaps the most meaningful week of his life. Anachronistically good vibes, a culture of sharing and neighborly love, of gentle spirituality and prayer. He helped build a teepee. He made new friends. He had some groovy stuff to say about nonlinear dynamics, a broad frontier-field of mathematics in which cause and effect break down – the local humid thunderstorms of the distant future would be precisely computationally foreseeable (in the Newtonian mode) but for the weird and little-understood characteristic of non-linearity between the variables of causation (dig it).

I was reminded of the two-row wampum belt on display at the National American Indian Museum in Washington D.C. It was as a treaty gift, beaded in white, streaked across by parallel blue lines, representing the spirit of the agreements, meaning “we are traveling on the river of life together, side by side. One side isn’t going to get ahead of the other; people in the ship aren’t going to try to steer the canoe; people on the canoe aren’t going to try to steer the ship.”

I was also reminded of the dark Lakota man who stood a distance from the forward camp. The auctioneer speaks in the spirit of the auction; this Lakota spoke in the spirit of the plains. The wind shook the yellow grass at our feet.

He told me his name. I told him mine. He began his story, but then something caught his attention. His eyes brightened and a smile bloomed like the sun bursting forth beyond the lining of the passing cloud, and he gazed out to the ridge at my back, and said some words long, slow, in his native tongue.

I turned to look. On the ridge beyond the teepees in the foreground were four brown silhouettes. They were still. “The buffalo,” said the man, translating. “They have come to see.”


The day after I left Standing Rock, a phalanx of police officers, sourced from a coalition of regional departments, cleared the forward camp, one person at a time. Of those who refused to leave willfully, over one hundred were taken into custody for all manner of alleged offenses from trespassing to, in one case, attempted murder. Remarkably there were no reported major injuries.

It was the expected outcome of the failed talks on the highway the previous day. And in truth, there was nothing to be said. The sheriff has no jurisdiction in matters of philosophy. If they weren’t to go there, they were to be no more than actors, playing a part.

And so the blockade would continue until unspeaking force alone broke it. And so my plans were dashed. I’d intended to go to Bismarck that morning to continue my journey, but there were to be no rides on northbound State Route Highway 1806. I had to reroute.

After the parties shook hands, ending the meeting, (“Good afternoon, gentlemen”) one of the elders told sheriff Laney, “You guys have the force,” to which Sheriff Laney nodded and responded matter-of-factly: “we do.” Then the elder said to the Sheriff, “But we hold the moral high ground.”

The mist remained heavy. Earthmovers hummed unseen beyond the hill. Sheriff Laney put his hands on his hips. “I don’t know that you do. I don’t know that you do.” ▩


I Am The Worst Collegiate Golfer in America

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life Sports

Dec 30, 2015


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I am the worst collegiate golfer in America.

Woe and naught, this rank I here posit with neither pride nor melancholy nor mirth; rather these are social coordinates on which to ruminate in a dreadful isolation, on which to lie oneself prone, ebb into the continuum, that perhaps a sort of panoptic clarity may yet emerge.

My mind is taken to Green Lake pitch and putt, where in innocence I romped, and then to Jefferson pitch and putt, where I have never once paid for a round. Jefferson is a lazy summer afternoon, with a Rainier tall can and a joint tucked away in the golf bag. My friend Evan emerges from his soccer-mom Honda Element in his polo shirt and reflective Aviators. His swing is tight and serious. Calvin borrows my clubs and swings in a long swooping vertical pendulum. Patrick just athletically smacks it and somehow the ball flies true. The fairways are red and hard as rock. We don’t keep score, but the eighth hole is the fry hole. The loser buys fries in the clubhouse, and we eat amongst the jolly old black men with their cigars and their plaid, who are shooting the shit, collecting on bets. Word is that Bill Russell occasionally rolls through. We sit in the corner and discuss the next move.

I join the Garfield High School golf team senior year. Tavish and I are co-captains, and our enduring accomplishment (I’m not actually sure if it literally endures) is presiding over the advent of the Hawaiian shirt uniform, which both has a collar (as per golf course dress regulations), and illustrates a spirit of cultural enterprise which distinguishes us city-folk from the vapid Eastside legions against whom we play.

The team practices at Jefferson, occasionally gets nine holes in on the full size course there. Our only good player isn’t actually a Garfield student; he attends a private school in the north end which does not have a team, and through some obscure districting rule he is placed on ours. He is no fan of the Hawaiian shirt thing because, he claims, the shirts are tight around his shoulders and inhibit his swing. Tavish and I do not budge on the matter, and somehow he obtains a stretchy and pink golf shirt with a Hawaiian floral pattern. After a brief quorum, Tavish and I grant our approval.

—–

At three in the afternoon at Central Oregon’s Eagle Crest Resort, youth play free. Thin penetrating heat and minty pine and domesticated deer along the Deschutes, and Mt. Jefferson in the distant sky, and crisp fairways manicured into the dusty bosom of the high desert. Here, my cousins and I learn to play.

On one occasion, I claim to have scored a six. My brother, who has been secretly keeping meticulous tally, calls bullshit. He precisely recounts to me my every shot, noting that, while in the tallgrass, I twice jabbed at the ball without moving it. I call my brother an asshole. Not two holes previous he took consecutive mulligans after jonesing one ball off a condominium rooftop and shanking the other into the water on the left. On the short par-four seventeenth, my brother will top a ball through the rough, just short of the women’s tee, which means that, in acc­­ordance with family rules, he must complete the remainder of the hole with his pants at his ankles. He refuses, and his penalty is that he has to walk home after the round. As we return to our condominium by car, I look back and emit a smug triumphant grin. His silhouette, lanky and hunched, shuffles under the weight of his clubs down the ridge.

—–

The invitation to join the Div. III Whitman College golf team stemmed from a freshman year conversation with golf team friend Will, in which I expressed my wish to be a better golfer so that I too could play on the golf team. The team was tired of having only four members (the best four scores count, but you can submit more, so there is a buffer from a particularly bad day); I was reticent, but a kindly phone call from the coach sealed the deal, against my parents’ advice that it would be stupid and a waste of time and prepare me only for the good ol’ boys club and aren’t I actually kind of bad and don’t I have better things to do with my time anyways? No, I replied.

I filled out the NCAA paperwork pledging to avoid steroids, and so assumed my place among a long and dignified line of Garfield High School student-athletes — Tony Wroten, Isaiah Stanback, Brandon Roy – who have represented The Town at the NCAA level. This fall, I would take my talents to Walla Walla.

—–

The first tee in a golf tournament is occasion for much pomp and fanfare. They announce your name – from Whitman College… Andrew Schwartz! – and the tepid claps of your supporters pepper the hollow air, and you are alone on the tee box, and you take stride behind your ball with a firm clasp on your driver, the most masculine of athletic appendages. The claps fade into the wind, and the polite silence is suffocating. The men with whom you’ll play have effortlessly, casually, smacked perfect rising drives. And now it is you, and you walk up to your ball, sweat the technique on a practice swing (to show your competitors you mean business), pull the club back – arm, torso, and… you forget to leave the rest to gravity, you throw your flailing limbs at the ball in fear (don’t slice it don’t slice it) of slicing the shit out of the ball as you always do, and as it happens this time you don’t; what happens is you pull the ball in a low liner forty-five degrees to your left, off a tree, and your mind tenses in frozen horror before the ball softly touches down on the adjacent fairway. You look back and flash a cool what-was-that-all-about smile at your supporters, who have each taken acute visual interest in their own respective tree, shoe, watch, etc.

And then, in a compensating weird, unnatural, vaguely creepy swagger, you trundle over to and swoop up your bag and head off down the fairway (of your present hole) with your playing partners, chatting it up, exchanging pleasantries – what grade are you in – as if you are all equals, as if they hadn’t just smoked three hundred yard dimes down the middle of the fairway, and you hadn’t just pulled a knuckle-balling liner off a tree. Then, at the last moment, you nonchalantly veer off towards the fairway (of the hole on which your ball currently sits) where you will intend and fail to reclaim your dignity.

I go into every round fully expecting to shoot the best round of my life, which is either an aggressive benign (though seemingly ineffective) form of visualization, or the product of a deranged mind. Coach McClure here certainly fans the flame. With few exceptions, I consistently had the worst score in every tournament this fall season of collegiate golf. Coach, who is a deeply un-cynical man, believes in my potential far more than I do. I shoot a nine on a hole that my competitors all birdied, and he comes up to me before I tee-off and tells me that “each swing you take is part of the path to a better you,” or something to that effect, and I silently smile and nod and say something about what a lovely course this is, unsure how to respond to such earnest and kind words, so incongruous with the reality I am experiencing.

Before the last tournament of the year, the Fall Classic in Sun River, Oregon, I told some friends that my goal was to not come in last place. One friend encouraged me to aim higher, perhaps go for third to last.  I decided to wear my Sony Dynamic Stereo Headphones during warm up, which made me feel like I was the subject of one of those pre-event television shots of Richard Sherman or Michael Phelps or something, bobbing to a beat that no one else can hear, my beat, my swagger, my moment focused inward, a leaf on the wind.

I laced my final warm-up drive down the range and Aquemini cast psychedelic vibrations. I whispered along with Big Boi – “I’m talking gifts, but when it come you never look the horse inside his grill.” I removed my headphones, and walked to the tee, and the wind was strong, and the trees swayed wild. I stood behind the ball for a moment, breathless, and then I closed my eyes and swung.

—–

I completed the round by topping a short wedge-shot directly into the water two yards in front of me, in full view of the spectators and my resolutely supportive teammates, who had congregated around this final hole to see the dramatic finish. I shot a 118, which is what a child shoots. They recorded it as a 122 on the big board for all to see next to my misspelled name – “Andrew Scwartz” – but truly it was a 118.

The next day, I played with a man who kept angrily referring to himself as “a faggot.” Like he would hit a mediocre but honestly probably okay shot, and yell out something like “you fucking faggot” (again, to himself) and bang his club on the ground. He misread a putt and proclaimed that “that slope is so stupid,” and “this green is so gay” and then picked his ball out of the hole and threw it into the lake. He made six on that hole and I, through a series of misfortunes, shot a twelve. I finished with a 116 on this day. “An improvement!” said Coach McClure.

Coach McClure tells me that golf is a noble sport. Your score is your score, and respect for the game, its institutions, its history, its beauty, is all that keeps you honest. The game is manipulative­; the devil of it wants you to cheat, or get angry, or try and punch the ball through a dense thicket when you know you would only make that shot ten percent of the time, but the good one’s don’t let it get to them.

I think my odd mix of misplaced, borderline delusional confidence (this round I’ll break ninety), and blithe compensatory mocking nihilism as to the tenets of the game of golf is getting to me. Of course, it is worthy of mockery: back-slapping corporate bromides fertilize tee-boxes the world round; Yemeni children are thirsty and the Walla Walla Country Club is greener than your mama’s guacamole.

But there ain’t nothing like the moment of contact on a fine golf swing on a fine summer morning when the crack echoes fast and the ball flits mute and the dew sprays soft, and perhaps no one understands this more than those jolly old black men who sit around the Jefferson clubhouse, who slap backs the authentic way, who, after a long day on the links sit back, slide on their sunglasses, take pulls of their cigars, and jabber with courtly grace as the setting sun casts pale orange beams upon their present domain.

There Was a Great Big Moose

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Travel

Apr 26, 2015


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“Great Lake inheritor, fit me for the crown. Hoes used to spin me, now look how they turn around.”

“Used to slang for weeks without Degree under my underarm.”

-Danny Brown

Over spring some break some Whitman students and I shipped off to Detroit for a service trip based around “urban renewal.” The story of Detroit is easy to romanticize; a great American city of a bygone age fallen to globalization and greed, subterranean currents of race risen to the surface, exodus, remnants of the past utterly devoid of vitality, like a forest of charred trees, and the apparent potential of this vacuous and fertile world in which the institutions of the past no longer hold sway. Speramus Meliora; Resurget Cineribus is the city’s motto: “We Hope For Better Things; It Shall Rise From the Ashes.” And in the spirit of the liberal arts we would challenge the dominant narrative, show our solidarity with the good people of Detroit that the energy and spirit of yesteryear might begin to cycle back, but with the accompanying baggage removed, with a vigor renewed.

I didn’t tell people at home what I would be doing. I remember over winter break I told some Seattle high school friends (a cynical bunch) that I would be going on a “service trip” to Detroit, and I was literally scoffed at. The pious self-righteousness of those former voluntourists who were set right by the grace of the Gods for whom they had once evangelized, who confessed onto the internet the sins of their paternalistic and privileged ways, has made people leery.

I listened to Eminem in preparation for the trip. We arrived in the midst of thaw; sub-zero temperatures of the week previous had warmed to a pleasant fifty-five and the sides of the highway were patched with brown slush. We rented two mini vans at the airport and I navigated the lead van from shotgun. The distant skyline appeared for a second and then went away. I put on the pop-of-the-fifties radio station – Johnny Hartman felt right – and looked out at the billboards flashing by. One, for a church, said “No perfect people welcome.” We drove by a few advertising a new flashy MGM casino downtown; even more frequent were personal injury law firm ads with some white square-jawed suit grinning and pointing at you. “We turn crash into cash!”

My favorite building we saw was the old Michigan Central train station, c. 1913, once the tallest in the world, which towers over the city in shattered and post-apocalyptic grandeur. It is currently owned by Manny Maroun, who also owns the very profitable and infamous Ambassador toll Bridge connecting Detroit to Canada, and who an employee for a non-profit we would later work for described as a “slumlord” and a “dick,” the veracity of which statement is easily confirmable by Google search.

Michigan Central Station
Michigan Central Station in happier days.

As for the blighted houses, it is a story well told: seventy thousand of them scattered throughout the city, abandoned ten, thirty, fifty something years back, stripped for scrap, flooded basements exposed by arson, the grass of the adjacent vacant lots browned into dreary dead sterility by the recent snowfall, the asbestos in the insulation slowly seeping into the lungs of the unfortunate squatters who it has been written would live within.

The City of Detroit recently declared bankruptcy and owes something like fifty thousand dollars in debt per resident. Not much money is available to tear these houses down. Enter Blight Busters, which like so many non-profits exists in that kooky grey area between public and private, inhabiting the concrete space opened up by theoretical debates on the role of government in America.

Blight Busters is well-known around town and beyond. The women at the first non-profit we visited told us — with perhaps a hint of spite — that you can be sure any documentary which hits the city will feature them. What Blight Busters does, naturally, is bust blight, tear down the old, make space for the new.

Our task: to spread mulch on a half acre-ish lot they had just cleared. Jamie and D were our leaders. “Where are y’all from?” D asked on the walk over. I said we were from Washington. “Oh, so y’all are like, preppy?” I looked myself over in the reflection of a passing car window. I was wearing my grandpa’s old brown shoes and a very sensible grey sweatshirt. I guess in theory my roots are vaguely WASP-y, and I do on occasion let my inner metrosexual free in a seasonal trip to the Seattle H&M, where I’ll indulge in a sky blue V-neck or two and imagine for a moment that I have the fashionable earnestness of the models on the wall, but generally I stick to the Coogi t-shirts at Value Village.

The previous day we had picked up litter: condom wrappers, seat belts, brisk iced tea bottles, swisher packaging of every flavor imaginable; to a more cogitative soul the colorful and diverse petroleum-based array would have served a clarion symbol of the banal excess of our capitalist society. Mostly I just felt uncomfortable, acutely self-aware, like I was watching myself in the third person. On a certain level, picking up litter is an objective good thing. Everyone is down with picking up litter. Later in the day when, plastic garbage bags in hand, me and the rest of the Whitman squad were combing the dreary meridian of East Outer Drive, among the many passing commuters honking in support was a middle aged black dude who made eye contact with me, stuck up his fist, and then bobbed his head up and down in approval. “I feel super bad ass,” I immediately wrote in my notes.

The crew at work on East Outer Road.
The crew at work near East Outer Drive.

But, the occasional spirit rousing show of swaggtastic support notwithstanding, the occasional honk did little to assuage the unease that comes with such visible and cliché do-gooding. Tacked to a tree on the meridian was a white t-shirt with a guy’s picture on it and the brief span of years his life comprised. Old candles laid about and we wondered whether we should pick them up. Every time I bent down to pick up a Burger King cup, I imagined with horror the satisfaction that each passing driver must have thought, that I, this skinny white boy from out of town, must have been deriving from what he (I) must have considered these pure acts of altruism. It was the same sensation of sheepishness as when, because for some God forsaken reason Whole Foods is the only real grocery store within miles of the church we were staying at (food deserts yo), we returned and shuffled in to the kitchen with our organic-ass produce and a dude chillin before the service observed with twangy interest to another dude that “they went to Whole Foods.” He said it with this unnerving curiosity, like we were an alien species or something.

And who could blame him? This Whole Foods, which has been ballin’ out since it opened by the way (it turns out people like it when they can feed their families from a place that isn’t the dollar store) felt absurdly out of place. Among the various healthy living magazines displayed in the checkout line was the March/April issue of Vegan Health & Fitness, whose cover featured none other than sexy Vegan punk rocker Davey Havok seated upright wearing a suit in an empty bathtub. With his left hand he fondles his ankle; with his right, he holds up a green apple in much the same way a young debonair at a cocktail party might, palm upwards, wrap his fingers underneath the bowl of a glass of merlot. “DAVEY HAVOK: YOUR FAV SEX/FIT CELEB LIVING CLEAN.” Our credit card was rejected on account of us being in Detroit and we were given the time to delve deeper. “I’m just inclined, whenever given the opportunity, to help make people aware,” said Havok in a featured quote.

So it was refreshing to be in a quieter section of the city the next day, spreading mulch with D and Jamie and the rest of the Blight Buster crew. Jamie, who was named by Buzzfeed as one of Detroit’s top-ten black leaders – an accomplishment he noted at least three times – was in charge. He and I discussed our dream houses. He focused on the man cave. It would be underground and feature a fish tank jacuzzi with a secret passageway up to a treehouse. His bedroom would have a bathroom on each side – one for him and one for his woman – and a massive wide window through which he could oversee his domain. I suggested that it would be funny if he made it his thing to press himself up against it motionless and naked for long periods of time to intimidate the neighbors. Jamie thought that was weird. He went on to describe the state-of-the-art security system he would implement. “You gotta be careful about the bathrooms,” he said, noting that bathrooms, since they are unlikely to fall under camera surveillance, are a common entry point for intruders. He also would have dogs at the ready so that he could say, “Release the hounds!” like Mr. Burns. I asked him where this house would be located and he said if he had money he’d get out of here, go to the burbs.

With D, who was nineteen – around my age – our conversation was largely characterized by the chip on my shoulder carved out by his ‘preppy’ comment. I began by exaggerating my interest in Danny Brown, a product of Detroit who I do legitimately think is great, but whom I listen to only because my generally mediocre music taste is buoyed on the coattails of my more musically engaged and refined friends. I figured a Danny Brown mention would serve duel purposes: it would illustrate that I wasn’t just some prissy white boy who only listened to “Head and the Heart,” and it would also bridge some enthusiastic common cultural ground between D and I. “Who is Danny Brown?” he asked.

I asked him how the fuck, as a hip-hop fan who lives in Detroit, he’s never heard of Danny Brown, and he responded that if he hadn’t heard of Danny Brown, it had to be because Danny Brown did not sufficiently rep Detroit. D said he was all about Team Eastside. They rep Detroit. I said that was stupid. D hollered to Jamie, who had heard vaguely of Danny Brown but didn’t have thoughts on him, and a pudgy fifteen-year-old employee named Justin, who was unfamiliar. Connor, who was part of the Whitman squad and Danny Brown fanboy numero uno, was even more flabbergasted than I was. I showed D and Justin a picture of Danny Brown, who is a pretty goofy lookin’ dude, and they broke out laughing. “That nigga’s gay,” said D.

I also mentioned the new Kendrick, which I had listened to the previous night before bed. D dismissed Kendrick because he had released a diss track or something a while back that D thought was out of line. I’d thought “To Pimp a Butterfly” was pretty great. The album brought to the surface this perverse thought I have sometimes, where I’ll wonder at what it means to come out of a place of disadvantage – be it the result of systemic oppression, poverty, tragedy, what have you – and a glint of irrational envy will flash at the built-in narrative authenticity the situation outwardly seems to provide. People are down with ‘started from the bottom now we here’ type shit; credibility is lent to action; legitimacy to voice; it makes people like me, of the insipid surface-level tale, uncomfortable, and its why statistically most rich people consider themselves middle class, every shitty campaign autobiography peddles a personal narrative of humble beginnings, and why even I get a pathetic satisfaction out of telling my well-heeled Whitman College peers that I went to a public school. It’s an American preoccupation, and what Kendrick does is – in the funkiest way imaginable – synthesize down and find meaning in his own narrative’s confusing tensions and contradictions. You can’t be high up there, whether by birth or luck or cut-throat-skullduggery or hard work, without some tricky questions being raised, and Kendrick grapples with them with some real insight and style.

The one thing about the album is it’s not very subtle. It goes for the whole pie of race in America in the same way and spirit that East of Eden is literally trying to provide the meaning of life, and it turns out it’s hard to capture the essence of such things without being a little heavy handed because in going that big you cross the point where it all becomes ineffable, and so the artist will almost by definition be committing the sin of telling rather than showing.

Which is why some of my favorite songs on the album are the low-key ones (though Blacker the Berry is also dope). I gave D my phone and headphones and put on “You Ain’t Gotta Lie,” which will be my personal anthem to chillin and just doin your thang for many summers to come. He dug it.

[spotify id=”spotify:track:7A3ETuOrieyx9KSF0sn0Zf” width=”300″ height=”80″ /]
D told me that I was in the hood. “You’ve never been to the hood before,” he told me. “The hood’s alright.” He pointed across the street to a government agency office whose roof was decked out with barbed wiring and cameras. A six-figure installment according to D, intended to stop scrappers once and for all from stealing the AC units – each worth about fifty dollars in metal – from the roof. We shot the shit here and there – on Russell Wilson’s intercepted pass in the Super Bowl, D recalled that he “threw his blunt in the air” in excitement; on the bodacious woman sauntering by in colorful leggings on the sidewalk, D whispered that usually round here guys never let their girls out the house lookin’ that good.

This went on for a while and we continued to spread mulch, and then he paused, considered what he was about to say, and asked me: “What are you about?” I stopped raking and looked up. I mumbled about my major and good music and straight-chillin and sports, but I took the question very seriously.

Gordon, who was a military veteran in catastrophe response partnering with Blight Busters in the idea that Detroit was an ongoing disaster zone and thus ideal for training for storms and the like, had showed us a video made by another volunteer group which had previously come in. It was set to a Christian rock song and was just generally super lame. D had overseen and worked with many such groups in his tenure with Blight Busters, and told me himself that, lacking the means to travel and see other parts of the country, it is through the visiting volunteers that he gets to know the world around him, develops a sense of what people from various regions and backgrounds really are all about. The reputation of my hometown, at least as D knew it, was in our hands. A heavy burden indeed, I thought to myself at the time.

*****

The author on the shores of the Detroit River.
The author on the shores of the Detroit River.

Oakland County is an affluent suburb that begins on the other side of Eight Mile Road. Its commissioner is named L. Brooks Patterson. L. Brooks Patterson has joked that “what we’re gonna do is turn Detroit into an Indian reservation, where we herd all the Indians into the city, build a fence around it, and then throw in the blankets and corn.”

I was reminded of L. Brooks Patterson when a woman from CASS, the group-consensus-favorite non-profit, told us a story. A homeless man was discharged from a Medicaid funded hospital in sub-zero weather without a hat or a jacket. Usually hospitals have a person to make sure that kind of shit doesn’t happen. Like any hospital you or me would go to would absolutely make sure that we had somewhere to go, maybe find us a hat, at the very least call a cop or something for transport to a shelter. But this hospital didn’t do that because it just can’t afford monetarily to look out for people like that. So the guy walks around in this absolutely freezing weather with this vague notion of the existence of a shelter in some vague part of this city, which remember is the geographic size of Manhattan and Chicago and San Francisco all put together. He just keeps walking. He doesn’t stop to sleep because he’ll freeze to death because again he is wearing a t-shirt and so he goes through the night and just keeps walking. He walks like this for four days and eventually walks into this CASS warming shelter utterly delirious, and his hands, which we were shown a picture of, are literally black and purple. Fin. End of story.

The reason that story reminded me of L. Brooks Patterson is because, despite the guy’s sharp wit and homey charm and his apparent knack for running an economically booming homogenous and well-educated suburb, the guy has no compassion. L. Brooks Patterson doesn’t give a shit about this homeless guy in Detroit.

Now Mr. Willy, the cook for CASS, a man twice homeless himself, the youngest in a family of twelve, with a spirit that engulfs and lifts you like a hug from the Michelin Man, who sings lyrically personalized songs for each volunteer group to the tune of that one “There Was a Great Big Moose” campfire song, he gives a shit; or Gordon, the Blight Busters military vet guy, with his cooking-oil-fueled disaster response bus he modified; with his bad-ass stories of defying turret mounted soldiers with moronic orders in the first days of the hurricane Katrina disaster, with his groovy long gray hair and his kind of irritating but also endearingly naïve social media obsession, he gives a shit.

The thing about giving a shit is that it can only be shown. It is a commitment to basic propositions of human equality; it is in no way passive; it is an accountability to your own good-fortune; it has nothing to do with the spectrum of cynicism and idealism and everything to do with compassion, a faith that everyone at some level does their best, that everyone is at once a product of the world and an active producer unto that world, and a belief that that fundamental circularity is malleable by the connections we make, by the individual agency we take.

Whether or not I personally meet that criterion I’m not sure. I was mostly concerned with having a chill time and meeting cool people and making D think the Pacific Northwest had stank. Which he apparently decided it did. I was absolutely overjoyed when Connor reported that D, as we were about to leave, told him that “You guys are soo chill.”

I suspect it was the Danny Brown song that won him over. When Connor played him “Let’s Go,” he bobbed his head and admitted it was hot. He insured us that he would ask his mom if she was familiar and, satisfied, we said we would check out Team Eastside (my personal favorite song is “Getting Paper/Sippin Lean with Thugs”). At this point the day was nearing its end and we were picking up the soggy garbage that had built up under the snow around Blight Busters’ property. But still D had his digs to get in: “This was general stuff,” he said. Danny Brown wasn’t keeping it fully real. We rolled our eyes, It was tongue-in-cheek posturing; he knew it would annoy us and he clearly got a kick out of saying it. Besides, he added, couldn’t anyone rap about “drivin down ninety-fo’ with nowhere to go?”

[spotify id=”spotify:track:5YPMcT7Je01NAqFd3LMlQL” width=”300″ height=”80″ /]
Jamie wandered to the far end of the lot, by an abandoned garage, and summoned us to come look inside. A newish silver hatchback with a rear wheel missing rested at an angle where the wheel should have been. Screws and other bits of the axle machinery were littered about. It looked like a car a mom would drive her kids to soccer in. “Probably stolen from midtown,” Jamie guessed. He called a police contact of his to come check it out. We all went to pose for pictures, such that our accomplishments might be disseminated out to the masses, and, instead of “cheese,” Jamie instructed us to say “Eff Blight!” in unison. We bade our farewells and hopped in our vans. We passed a grocery store under construction. My pop-of-the-fifties radio proposition was vetoed, and so I stewed in the back for the remainder of the drive back to the church where we were staying. It was a quick ride. Detroit may be huge, but you can get around fast; the infrastructure of the Motor City was built in accordance with its nickname. Highways web the city – on stilts you glide above the action – one minute, its boarded up houses with roofs caved in; next it’s the massive cement skeletons of the factories where the former residents of those houses once worked. Occasionally the General Motors sign atop the downtown skyline pops into view, and maybe you’ll pass a street lined with well-kept brick walk-up apartments – the kind I associate with Brooklyn – and a pleasant brownish-green meridian. Even in the evening light, it all moves fast. These days, there isn’t much rush hour traffic to worry about.

NBA All-Sexy Squad 2014-15

by


Season Categories Published
MP00 Sports

Nov 20, 2014


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As a generic white dude sports fan, I’m genetically obligated to get excited about the end of summer. The NFL season begins, college football kicks off, and high school football finally gets under way. My favorite sports blogs begin in-season coverage of football and fantasy football starts to really heat up. And blah blah blah stuff happens with baseball and hockey.

But as great as these past few months have been for anyone who enjoys yelling at supreme athletes, nothing puts some pep in my step like the start of the NBA. Let’s face it, as great as football, baseball, and hockey are, they’re not exactly sexy sports. Linemen with wobbly bellies oozing over spandex? First basemen with dead eyes and colonial woodsman beards, spewing brown sludge? [Hockey position] with…well who knows what hockey players even look like under all that padding and crusted blood?

But that NBA…now that’s a sexy sport. Tank tops and shorts? Check. Chiseled bods? Check. Sweaty dudes gritting and grinding up against each other? Oh yeah. Masks, hats, and helmets that obscure player’s faces? Yeah right!

So I could tell you about my favorite teams, preseason expectations, player analysis, and so forth, but really, what better way to celebrate the start of the NBA season than running through some of basketball’s sexiest stars?

Starting Five:

1) Kobe

kobeKobe is sexy, but that barely begins to describe Jellybean Jr. Beautiful and sleek, Kobe is the Porsche x Dolphin x Denzel ménage a trois lovechild you want, we love, and the NBA deserves. You’ve seen Kobe in interviews: it is impossible to deny that Kobe just has IT. He commands. Kobe is the Mona Lisa of the NBA Louvre – it doesn’t matter how it looks, people need to stand in line to see it. Never retire, Kobe!

2) Klay Thompson

Klay’s stock has been soaring recently, but you know the Golden State Warriors didn’t just grant Klay a monster extension because he’s a premier two-way talent on the basketball floor; Klay also is a two-way talent in the looks department – country humble aw-shucks boy next door “lets catch fireflies in a jar” one way, goatee-bedazzled Bar Mitzvah “why don’t you come upstairs for a drink” lothario the other. Watch out Steph, the baby face is cute and all but don’t be too surprised if Klay is the Warrior’s face (and bod) of the future.

3) Serge Ibaka

As you might know, Ibaka grew up in the Republic of the Congo. I don’t know a ton about the Republic of the Congo, but I know it’s in Africa and it seems reasonably clear that they do not have a very fundamental appreciation for Congolese sex pots. How did this guy even make it to a basketball court without a barrage of modeling agents raining money on him??? If (heaven forbid) Serge dropped out of the NBA tomorrow morning, he would have a modeling contract before lunch and be strutting down a runway before dinner.

4) Meyers Leonard

Oh what, did you think we were only dealing with All-Stars? Sexiness doesn’t stop at the starters. That being said, I can’t believe Meyers is having trouble getting in the game, he freakin’ looks like a high school prom king quarterback class president swim team captain who also happens to be a distant cousin of Hercules. Terry Stotts, if you’re reading this, maybe stop trying to run plays that capitalize on basketball talent and start letting Leonard just run around the court and coyly wink at the other team. Swooning opponents = easy buckets.

5) Marc Gasol

Full disclosure: I have a thing for handsome white dudes who throw caution to the wind and grow kinda-ugly beards (See: Rodgers, Aaron or Kershaw, Clayton). It’s like they’re saying, “Yeah I know I’d be sexier clean shaven, but I’m a hella rich professional athlete, are you really not gonna pop a boner just cuz of a little stubble?” Respect.

(On this note – I can’t get a read on Anthony Davis’ unibrow…is it a tight IDGAF move or a Harden “ooh look at my beard” marketing move…hard to say.)

Kevin Love would be the obvious choice here, but a California-boy who turns his back on the Warriors is a traitor and betrayal is never a sexy look.

Okay, there’s your starting five. I know what you’re thinking, “hey @OGMapz ya dork you have two shooting guards and three big men, that’s not a starting lineup for basketball!!” Well, actually you’re the dork; this list would be four point guards and a quarterback if the situation demanded it. The situation is sexiness and sexiness is those two shooting guards and three big men.

[polldaddy poll=8465705]

All-Sexy Second Team:

1) Marco Belinelli
Hell yes Bellineli, you handsome son of a bitch. I don’t know what’s more wet, Belinelli’s three-point stroke or everybody’s panties when Bellineli struts into the room.

2) Shane Battier
Technically retired, but I still can’t get the erotic tapestry that is Battier singing “I Want it That Way” in a tank alongside Greg Oden and Ken Jeong. Too hot to cut, I gotta give him a special retirement-exemption.

3) Kevin Garnett
Tall, dark, and handsome, and psychotically competitive. Every girl’s dreamboat.

4) Courtney Lee
Probably the most classically hot player in the NBA. He looks like Omarion or some R&B singer you’d get irrationally upset with your lady for being a little TOO into.

5) Kris Humphries
Look I’m not any happier about this than you, but there’s a reason Kim married him and it isn’t his basketball skills.

My Gap Year: Kenya, Aporia, and the Lunatic Express

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Travel

Nov 03, 2014


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Midnight approached. White station lights flickered about the stale concrete platform as The Lunatic Express, which would rumble me from Nairobi down to Mombasa on the last remaining stretch of the historic East African Railway, chugged into the station. I was told to expect a late departure. The train, gradually relegated over the past century from crowning symbol of British imperial triumph to dilapidated tourist attraction, was not known for its punctuality.

And so my fellow Anglo passengers and I boarded first and second class, and so the rest boarded third, and so I was shown to my private quarters, where I would lay awaiting departure until just after 3 a.m, when the whistle blew, and the metronomic thud of the engine grew ever louder and faster, and the lights of Nairobi station dimmed into the distance.

—–

In Mombasa, 1896, the British began work on a rail line that in their imperialistic vision would ultimately stretch deep into the African interior, cementing their place as a key player on the recently partitioned continent. Seven years, 2,498 worker deaths, and roughly one billion British pounds later, the single-track line reached its initial terminus of Kisumu, on the northeastern shore of Lake Victoria. The Uganda Line, as it would eventually be called, represented Western mastery over the uncivilized Dark Continent, a stark manifestation of its superiority in all things.

And so went that old colonial arrangement. And so the train rumbled onward.

—–

Some older friends took a gap year before college and imbued me with all sorts of romantic notions of travel and adventure and casting off the arbitrary external constructs of a society of individuals too paralyzed by fear to carve their own unique path through the existential void or something like that. The idea – and I think it would prove to be a good one – of my gap year was that it would be divided into distinct and unique chapters of varying structure, length, and spirit. “Novelty!” That was the word! Bounce here! Live there! Meet a friend here! Try this there! Settle down here! Granada! Cadiz! Le Barte! Paris! Zurich! Kenya! Ho!

Limits would be pushed and barriers would be broken; each destination would place emphasis on a new and different aspect of the character, develop and build it, define and bulk it – all of it – until the whole was so great and immense and rounded that perhaps, finally, ultimately, my form would match my projection. Maturation expedited, irony would no longer serve as a crutch, a safety net, for earnest expression and behavior. Because it wouldn’t be necessary. With a comfort zone as big as the moon, insecurity and fear would be but hollow echoes of a time when chaos held the keys.

I was not nervous on the plane to Frankfurt. I ordered a beer and I read all of Einstein’s Dreams, which is a short novel about time and all weird forms it might take. Seats D through G in row 32 were empty so I lay across them, mildly irritated at how the edges of each seat curved up slightly into some area of my rib cage or my hip. I wore my red and blue hat and my tan zip-off travel pants (zipped on) from REI. It will be a very nice year, I thought. It will go fast and I best be sure to enjoy it while it lasts.

—–

My berth on the train was positioned such that when I looked out the window, I could see only sky or perhaps those natural beings of sufficient might and majesty to share its domain. I awoke expecting that at this stage we would be blasting down through the southeast reaches of Tsavo National Park, surrounded by smooth red hills, giraffes, acacia, sinewy gold gazelle running outwards under the train’s mighty roar. I would but sit there; take in Kenya’s fruitful bounty as it drifted right on by.

The train’s morning horn blared and I sat up. We weren’t moving. My quintessential Kenyan landscape was flowered with rusty industrial buildings. There was no engine roar.

I shuffled to the toilet at the end of the car, locked in my aim such that I would hit exactly through the hole in the floor and onto one of the track’s steel girders, and then continued back a few cars more to the dining car in the middle of the train. A Scandinavian couple beamed at one another on the far side of the car, and across from them, a Kenyan family and the daughter’s partner (who wore a fitted black Yankees cap) spoke in English of a recent Manchester United victory.

I sat alone far away, and brought out my book and my journal. The waiter approached, offered me coffee. “Where are we?” I asked. “What time will we be arriving in Mombasa?”

“Mr. Schwartz, it won’t be long at all,” he said.” We’re just waiting for a cargo train to pass. We will be in Mombasa by 4:00 this afternoon.”

“Where are we now?”

“We’re still in Nairobi.”

——-

One odd wrinkle in that perverse commodification of authenticity, which no traveler can fully keep from subconsciously embracing, is the inevitable reversal of the notion itself: I sought authentic relationships with “locals,” only to find that more often than not, the fleeting relationships I built were founded more upon the fact of my own novelty as a white American than any particular internal quality which I actually possessed.

I remember going out to Sporty’s my very first night in Nanyuki, and inhibition’s gradual cessation to awkward gyration, and Myles jokingly telling a still-stateside Matt that I fell in love, and Matt’s mortified phone-call of warning that Sporty’s is full of sex workers and gold diggers hot on the prowl for a strapping white lad such as myself.

Or botellon in Granada, and dressing up in Jose’s pink button-up and white blazer, and putting gel in my hair, and strutting on down to what would ultimately be a parking lot littered with vomit mines to be carefully avoided, and Jose’s beyond gorgeous friends (such is Granada), next to whom I mostly did that thing where you rigidly stand by two people who are in conversation, occasionally nodding your head such that you might appear to outsiders to be also engaged in said conversation. I could not have behaved in an objectively less cool manner. Yet every time a new friend of Jose’s came by, those who had met me would all, bright sincere smiles across their faces, eagerly introduce me as their amigo Americana.

Which isn’t to say there weren’t relationships with real meaning, and which, more importantly, isn’t to say that these artificial relationships didn’t themselves have a sort of real meaning. But there’s a complexity to these superficial connections which shrouds the self with doubt; the person they see when they look at you isn’t really the person you think you are. The reasons, be they too much time spent with a warped mirror, or the other’s particular failure to consider your whole, are immaterial. Dust, inevitably, has been kicked to the sky.

—–

Aporia, I’ve recently been told, is the state of intellectual bewilderment to which Socrates would, through pointed questioning, drive his interlocutors in the Platonic Dialogues. He saw in this process a purgative effect, and he appreciated the mental vacuum which subsequently forms: it’s only natural that curiosity gets tingling when formerly presumed knowledge is shown to be unsound.

Enter Gil, an organic farmer near Madrid. Also she was a Shiatsu Sensei and a deaf-child-English-teacher who taught the language by literally grabbing and shaping the tongues of her students to form sounds. Also she was a polyglot, and a communist Scotswoman, and she believed the moon landing was faked and that 9/11 was an inside job and that Bill Gates is evil made manifest and her energy pulsated and pounded like a bass into my own being such that I was literally uncomfortable sitting across from her at the dinner table. She was also a brilliant speaker, Christopher Hitchens good. She saw every bit of myself that was American: the presumption in the personal questions I asked, my milk and egg consumption, and with marked intentionality she deconstructed me, it, the ideas I took to be fact. That she would take the time to do such a thing I learned to take as a compliment, but always it made me angry, and sometimes furious, and often deeply insecure; as the Hitchensian idea goes, a life spent in refuge of the false security of consensus offers little preparation for the Gil’s of the world. Her husband Jorge would qualify all of his statements with “but that’s just my opinion.” Gil, unapologetically, would not.  And so as I offered my piddling contributions to the house of straw within which she and Jorge would ultimately live, so too did she give something in return, though, so many months later, I’m still utterly flustered as to what exactly it was.

—–

The Uganda railway was constructed to serve dual, reciprocally fulfilling purposes. The railroad made possible significantly cheaper raw material exports and manufactured imports; moving a ton of cotton from Kampala to the coast cost 90 pounds per ton before the railroad, and only 2.5 pounds per ton thereafter. In turn, the railroad promoted the influx of white settlers who would facilitate and oversee the operations though which such goods were moved. In securing easy access to Lake Victoria, Britain asserted control over the Nile’s source as well as a significant chunk of modern-day Tanzania, Kenya, Uganda, Rwanda, and Burundi, and made the region its own.

Nowadays there is a different story around the East African railway system. It’s fallen on hard times, rusting away, now useful solely for its own nostalgia-imbued anachronistic qualities. There’s no money and there’s depreciating interest. Kenya, however plagued by bad traffic, insane drivers, and the resulting mangled matatu carcasses, moves by road.

But matatu carcasses mean human carcasses, and traffic means inefficiency and human carcasses. Not all are content with the current state of affairs. To some, particularly those who hold neo-colonialist ambitions, in such unrest lies opportunity. Early this year, the Chinese, who have been active-as-can-be in recent east African infrastructure projects, came to an agreement with the Kenyan government to finance a modern, double track, standard-gauge rail system. The British were not involved.  Change tingles and zaps through the Kenyan air. Whether its form will prove linear or circular is yet undetermined.

—–

The Lunatic Express started and stopped and started and stopped as we waited for freight trains to pass in the opposite direction. I drank Tusker, I ate chicken, I wrote in my journal, I read. I retired to my quarter. It was hot. I couldn’t sleep. Sweat condensed in my nether regions. Another Tusker. BaoBao elephant trees gradually claimed an established place and frequency across the red land. Another Tusker. I stuck my head out the window when the train really got going, and, like Leo DiCaprio in Titanic, my golden, soft hair swelled and crescendoed in the warm passing wind. I looked back and out and forward and could see the engine car rumbling along whenever the train rounded a bend.

I pulled myself in and jumped, startled to find myself face to face with a buxom beautiful train employee. She smiled. I, embarrassed at this intrusion into what was supposed to have been a private indulgence, abruptly turned away down the train to my quarters. “How do you like Kenya?” she called after me. I stopped. My right nostril snarled and my left eye twitched. The question, as I then interpreted it, oozed with condescension. “I like it just fine,” I snapped, whirling around to face her. “I’ve actually been living here for four months now.”

—–

Early on in my time in Kenya, I found myself going out of my way to make clear to locals that, despite my skin color, I wasn’t, in fact, a “tourist;” that mzungu, the liberally-used generic term for white people, was in my case wholly inadequate. Indeed, the real truth was that at the moment, Nanyuki, Kenya was my home. Right in town! I didn’t just come for safaris and spear-throwing. I was practically a local! Sometimes I’d exaggerate the length of time I’d spent there, which, looking back, is a super weird thing to do. Of course this partly is just not wanting to get ripped off, whether by taxi drivers, or by vendors, who really do jack up their prices for naive tourists. But there’s something deeper at work too, perhaps that idea that me and you and everybody else are, by nature of our humanity, complex beings with dimension, depth, layers that no one even fully understands about themselves; that we’re the sum of our experiences, the manifest cumulative coherence of the otherwise incoherent relationships and situations that have formed our lives, and so it’s validating to have that complexity respected and demeaning to have it diminished.

Perhaps it would have been right and good of me to take note of the Senegalese dudes who squatted in the old caves above Granada, and who did their thang there (selling weed, smoking weed, and making jovial conversation with passersby) with a grace and generosity of spirit which rejected the caricature made of them by police who stopped in on a bi-weekly basis to get up in their business and demand their papers that they might be deported back from whence they came. They had bad ass caves, the best view in the city, and bright baggy colorful pants; all had led lives of depth and adventure; all had family and friends they dearly missed back home, and none gave a shit that no one recognized any of that when bitching about the “puta” Africans living in hill below San Miguel Alto. I had no such refinement in my ego. A grave offence indeed was the idea that I was a tourist, or even just an allusion to the fact of my whiteness, which carried within the implication that I’m not the nuanced, multi-dimensional, enigmatic motherfucker that I’d like to think that I am.

It’s relevant to note that I’m just reaching that age in which sheer (thought still paltry) quantity of real world experience aligns with and validates a to-this-point-latent smug self-assured arrogance, that age in which ideology begins the calcification process and loses any and all impressionability. I’ve never been more confident in my grand, sweeping opinions on the world. I always talk at the meta-level like an asshole. To so wholeheartedly possess schemes of such enormous proportion and be simultaneously dismissed by a random person who I don’t even know as a piddling tourist is mentally incongruous; delusion allows the brain to cope.

—–

084

I wobbled about the train. A Tusker here, a Tusker there. I talked to the Swedes about regions of Sweden and drinks of Sweden and regions of Sweden again. The dinner, the waiter excitedly told us, was “on the house!” We chugged onward, eating cabbage and chicken and ugali, which is flour and water in sponge form.

Nebulous twilight-orange intensified to acute fire-red. As wind drafted through the dining car, yet unlit through color’s gradual taper into silhouette, the passengers returned to their quarters and the lunatic express thumped its charging headlight onward; the air felt light even as it dampened into the ever-approaching humidity of the Indian Ocean.

—–

An adventure is its own distinct entity. There are adventures within adventures. A good book is an adventure. A good relationship is an adventure. A good conversation is an adventure. An adventure takes you to a place you do not know. It cannot be repeated. It is the distinct and temporary alignment of an order in which that minute piece of the universe over which you claim control interacts in a novel and unexpected way with another piece, and its purpose is to show you a new and interesting thing.

The happiest moments of my gap year were those in which I felt most cemented in a time and place, when identity and sentiment hinged not on future ambition or past accomplishment but on the singular human I was within the bounds of the chapter I was presently immersed – praying with the Senegalese friends as sun set over the Alhambra; stuffing hay into plastic bottles with goofy old Phillip; dancing through a power outage with Simama kids my last night in Nanyuki.

It’s all so random, so bizarre. There’s no order. Where is the order in a quilt of a million stitches, stitched by a million different hands, independent hands, uncommunicating hands? What could that quilt possibly mean?

—–

 

“Mr, Schwartz, you have to go.”

“Why?”

“Because we cannot go farther.”

“Why?”

“Because the train will not.”

“What?”

“The train will not.”

“Well are we there?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

No response.

“So how do I get there?”

“Matatu.”

“Oh.”

“But because you are a mzungu, they will charge you lots of money.”

“Oh”

“I will go with you to find a matatu.”

“Ok.” Can I eat here first?”

“No. There’s no more food. But I will go with you to find a matatu.”

The train employee smiled. He thought this a generous proposition. And perhaps it was. It seemed unlikely that in the Kenya Rail job description was a clause accounting for a case such as this. The air was heavy. Already twenty-three hours later than the scheduled arrival time and still we weren’t there. But the flavors and smells clung to their respective affiliated sense with a certain potency; Mombasa was near.

I closed the door and changed into my travel shorts and Roshe Runs. I unstrew my apples and sweaty clothes and books, jammed it all into my red backpacking backpack. Threw my electronics into my Rick Steves travel bag, lugged the red pack up to my back and slung the travel pack in front, and squeezed out the sliding door of my room into the hall. I jumped down into the mud below the train. We were in a train yard and mist and damp shrouded the far rails. The train employee sipped on his 9:00 AM Tusker. “The stage is over there,” he said. “Come, follow me.”

The train appeared to be empty. The Swedes had left. The people in the back had left. I was the last to go.

We ambled over the tracks and into town. We slipped through mud between wood storefronts out to the paved main road, where matatus and lorries swerved to and away from the great east African port.

A matatu whizzed by and the young bald guy yelling destinations out of its window saw the train employee and tapped the roof of the matatu and yelled for the driver to stop.

The train employee and I ran down the road after it. He had only his beer to carry, so he got there first. He mumbled something to the matatu destination-yeller, and they kept saying mzungu and giggling and glancing my way as I heaved and scurried myself and all of my stuff along the road to the waiting matatu.

“Mr. Schwartz, Mombasa is that way,” said the train employee, pointing down the road with his beer bottle. “He will take you there.”

“Very good price,” added the destination-yeller. He wrestled me in through the door by my shoulder straps. The single open seat was in the back; the matatu was full of morning commuters. They held my center of gravity onboard as the destination-yeller tapped the ceiling and the matatu shot forward and my legs, still dangling out the door, were thrust back under the force. I squirmed towards the back, traversing about and above the passengers until I plopped down in the empty space between two poorly postured old guys.

They smiled, teeth spotted brown. I smiled back. “Hello,” I said. “We’re going to Mombasa?” (I’d learned in Uganda that it’s best to double check). The old guy to my right nodded. “Mombasa,” he whispered. And on we drove. Shack towns grew ever more dense, frequent. Some, their traits compounded in the humidity, smelled of damp old egg. The man held his smile. I stared forward. I wondered what he thought of me. In this moment was I not simply a fella, just like him, making my way east to the Kenyan shore? In what ways did we differ and in which were we the same? In retrospect, I may have been overthinking it. I was his mild morning amusement and little more, just another skinny aporetic mzungu, curiously fiddling about.

Such Swedish Thunder: Dirty Loops’ “Loopified”

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Music

Aug 20, 2014


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loopification (n) | \lü-pə-fə-ˈkā-shən, lyü-\

Origin: Middle English loupe; portmanteau coined by Swedish band Dirty Loops.

1: the transformation of a smash pop single by way of slick jazzy chord progressions, crisp arrangement, and tasteful solo.

Formed in 2008 at the Royal College of Music in Stockholm, Dirty Loops rose to YouTube prominence on the merits of their loopification of songs like Justin Bieber’s ‘Baby’ and Britney Spears’s ‘Circus.’ It is the preternatural musical ability of vocalist/pianist Jonah Nilsson, bassist Henrik Linder, and drummer Aron Mellergardh that makes their covers possible. Watching them retool pop songs is like watching a wizard mechanic retool a 1992 Geo Prizm to make it look and run like a 2021 Lamborghini Aventador. Dirty Loops covers boggle the mind, but the loopification formula is in fact simple. I wrote about it two years ago:

In modal jazz, there is one chord rather than a series of chords. Modal jazz is stripped down such that it provides a base over which an improviser can superimpose an unlimited amount of harmonic substitutions. The one chord doesn’t change, so there is incentive for one to expand beyond its basic prescriptions and create a sense of forward harmonic movement as a series of chords might. It is open-ended music. What Dirty Loops realized is that superimposing new chords over the simple melodies and lyrics of songs like Baby is relatively easy. Most of the melodic phrases in ‘Baby’ use three or less notes. But it’s not like they are moralizing kitschy pop songs by making it high art —- they synthesize jazz, funk, pop, and rock in equal parts, so that ‘Baby’ retains its fundamental catchiness while being elevated to new levels of sophistication.

Dirty Loops released their debut album Loopified in the United States on August 19th. Loopified presents a different sort of challenge from covering pop songs: writing all-original material. As adversity reveals character, Loopified demonstrates Dirty Loops’ musical principles. To what extent do they want to be perceived “just” as a pop band? To what extent do they merely play with pop to disclose and embellish the band’s deeper and more serious jazz proclivities?

Jazz is a distinct idiom with its own mythology and vocabulary that also informs and relates to nearly every form of music that came about in the 20th century. Its elements can be easily fused with funk, R&B, rock, hip-hop, and electronic music. In 2014, jazz is probably furthest away FROM – and maybe even diametrically opposed TO – pop. Thus jazz, when blended with pop, poses a quandary. Because jazz always emerges from that commitment to the “idea” of jazz, both the integrity of its history and its impulse to experiment and evolve. When it comes to Dirty Loops — does the pop component cheapen the jazz component? Does the jazz component redeem the pop component? Can the two components coexist?

Stevie Wonder, Esperanza Spalding, Robert Glasper, George Benson, J Dilla. For decades musicians have sought to crossover and uphold the jazz tradition in more popular forms of music. And vice versa; for example, the avant-garde jazz trio The Bad Plus covered ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ on their 2003 album These Are the Vistas. But even then The Bad Plus reach back in time through a somewhat nostalgic mist to reinvent the greatest rock song of its era, whereas Dirty Loops tends to spring for freshly released pop songs, the more banal the better.

There has never been a band quite like Dirty Loops, whose impulse is to simultaneously reach for both extremes of the musical spectrum, to couch bald-faced pop music in obscure jazz harmonies. It is reductive to talk about Dirty Loops in terms of jazz and pop, because they draw on other genres as well, but playing jazz and pop off one other is at the core of what loopification is about. While Dirty Loops subverts the pop nature of the songs they cover on YouTube, it is the very banality of those songs that accounts for both Dirty Loops’ internet success and the perceived quality of their covers – the distance accrued between original and end product.

 —–

Dirty Loops’ approach to writing original material for Loopified is similar to their approach to YouTube covers. Linder describes the songwriting process in an interview: “We want to write simple pop songs from the beginning and then mess with them our way afterward. We want to write a melody that’s catchy… we don’t start with the fancy chords, we put those in last.” Basically, they are loopifying themselves. They are both the original and end product.

Self-loopification is most apparent on Loopified in the lyrics, which the band co-wrote with former N’Sync and Backstreet Boys producer Andreas Carlsson. The lyrics are astonishingly generic, with nearly every song an impersonal tale of love, lust, and heartbreak. The most memorable lyrical moment occurs at the outset of ‘Sexy Girls.’ Nilsson belts: “Sexy girls in the club / I’ll be whatever you want me to be. Sexy girls in the club / the night is young and the party’s on me.According to Nilsson, those particular lyrics are meant to be ironic. The weird thing is, the song would be worse off if its lyrics were reflective, profound, honest — anything but ironic. The lyrics serve as a trope – the original – to contrast with the other components of the music – the end product. In short: better lyrics would compromise the self-loopification process.

Loopified is at its worst on the ballads: ‘Crash and Burn Delight,’ ‘It Hurts,’ and to a lesser extent, ‘Take on the World.’ These songs suffer from lazy arranging. Where are the solos, the infectious groove, the weird chords?? Linder and Mellergardh all but disappear, and Nilsson is forced to carry more weight than he can bear. He is an awesome vocalist with great presence and pitch control, a threat to break off a two-octave run at any moment. But for all his admirable qualities he doesn’t have the emotional range to pull off these ballads all by his lonesome. Dirty Loops is most enjoyable when Nilsson’s voice recedes to the middleground so that it’s just another instrument – vocals, keys, bass, drums in a row, harmonizing and gesticulating like a barbershop quartet.

Good things happen when Dirty Loops picks up the pace. This is most true on ‘Hit Me,’ ‘Lost in You,’ ‘The Way She Walks,’ ‘Roller Coaster,’ and ‘Accidentally in Love.’ Their obscure jazz harmonies have life once more – they are most effective when played in rapid succession, like a combo breaker in a video game. They just need a bit of air under them to fly. Also – there are now horns! The inclusion of horns forces Dirty Loops to pay the arrangement more attention. They are maximalists at heart. The more action, the better. Mellergardh grows less passive, more keen to engage with his bandmates and indulge himself in rhythmic hits rather than simply keep time. When Dirty Loops picks up the pace, the pall that beleaguered the ballads evaporates. Suddenly there is more space in every dimension – more space to carve out a wider dynamic range, more space for Nilsson to sneak in a dapper keyboard solo, more space for the head to duck and weave to the beat.

But the greatest gift that Loopified gives is the gift of Henrik Linder. Sensei. Nilsson often doubles the bass in his left hand, freeing Linder to roam away from the pocket and unleash his always imaginative bag of tricks – slap bass fills, arpeggios, chord hits. He is not unlike Philip Lahm, star fullback for Bayern Munich. Lahm is solid as a rock in the back, but he likes to ventures forward, where he can more creatively employ his ample footballing brain. A technical master, Lahm outperforms his teammates at their respective positions more often than not, ultimately shaming not only his opponent but his teammates as well.

—–

Dirty Loops went all-in on Loopified with a self-loopification strategy. Banal, shallow lyrics became the transgressive means to illuminate their finest musical qualities. And for the most part those qualities shone through. But unlike loopification, self-loopification is not failsafe. The listener cannot compare the original to the end product. They are the same thing, and they must be consumed at the same time. The dopamine still hits, but there is no rebirth, no redemption. Is it better for the phoenix to die and rise from the ashes, or never die in the first place?

Postcard From Kenya: The Road From Laisamis

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Travel

Mar 22, 2014


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 “The universe is no narrow thing and the order within it is not constrained by any latitude in its conception to repeat what exists in one part in any other part. Even in this world more things exist without our knowledge than with it and the order in creation which you see is that which you have put there, like a string in a maze, so that you shall not lose your way. For existence has its own order and that no man’s mind can compass, that mind itself being but a fact among others.” 

There comes a moment in every man’s life when he finds himself on his knees, shoveling up his own shit with his ever-blackening bare hands while an angry family of strangers screams invectives at him in a language that he does not understand. Indeed, the inevitability of such occurrence is a fait accompli; the fact itself is not wherein the mystery lies, but in that for which it serves to illuminate.

The reasons, too, are merely peripheral to the crux. Perhaps it’s a step too many, or a subtle contortion of the pelvis that just reduces muscle leverage below the critical point, or perhaps truly it is preordained, a certain destiny, and no matter the quantity of energy and manpower dispatched with orders to hold at all costs, the gate to this outside world of judgment and love and humiliation is bound to fall. And when it does, when the plight is foregone and all hope his lost, it’s entirely natural that the emotional instinct is to look fearfully outward towards that approaching band of judges on the horizon.

The idea in such moments is to escape with dignity. And while it is indeed true that dignity is as much projected as bestowed, it is also true that sometimes circumstance can profoundly inhibit such outward projection. Sometimes, the duty of determining a man’s fate falls entirely to the masses. He is at the mercy of the souls that make the mob, and though the tribulation is indeed his own, to whom, the judges or the accused, has circumstance proffered choice and latitude? Who, when forces intrinsic to us all have already brought the defendant to his knees, is really on trial?

I was on the road from Laisamis when such tribulations befell me.

Laisamis is in the Kenyan north, a region to which the western world, in its inexorable onward march, has sent still only advance sentries. The Kenyan police get progressively more unpleasant as you move farther north and today they are in standard form, berating a Pakistani man in a tight-fitting cycling jersey. They hold their rifles high as they make only him pull literally all of his things (bike included) out of the bus baggage hold for what will no doubt be a thorough and complete inspection.

Simon and I observe the scene as we wait to board the bus. This is the day’s final charter to Nairobi (we’ll be getting off in Nanyuki) and it is imperative that we obtain tickets before it leaves this hot and dusty and mysterious place. Shadowing me with precision is a thraggle of old jewlery-hocking Rendile women, but Simon, who is Kenyan, remains focused on the task at hand.

The driver sees that Simon is with me (I am wearing a tan bucket hat that says ranger rick on it, if that gives any indication of my skin color) and doubles the price.  I can’t understand Simon, but I imagine that he says the Swahili equivalent of “naw dog, I don’t play that shit,” and the driver complies. We’re on.

“While you’re with me in Kenya, there is no need to worry,” says Simon, as always emphasizing the vowels in his wonderfully Kenyan accent. “You will always be fine.”

The entire bus gawks at us as we make our way down the aisle. We sit down in the back next to a young thirteen year-old boy who’s name I will learn is Patrick. I look out the window. The Pakistani man is arguing with a soldier who had the day before spent a good three minutes dubiously panning his face back and forth between me and my ID.

The engine rumbles; the Pakistani man grabs his stuff and bounds on; away we go.

The road from Laisamis is not paved. Indeed, it’s not paved in the Kenyan sense, meaning that it is borderline impassable without four wheel drive. Our driver does not take this into account when calculating his velocity. Almost in rhythm, every five seconds brings a powerful jolt, and the passengers cascade up and out of their seat in collective and artistic synchrony. Unfazed, everyone maintains a blank forward stare. Patrick and I giggle hysterically in the back.

The road from Laisamis meanders through a brown,hard desert interspersed with small acacia bushes and windowless 30-square-foot shacks, whose chief structural components are newspaper and dried cow dung. Occasionally, we pass a shirtless citizen, wrapped in a red kilt and colorful bead accessories, herding his cows and camels.

I chat with Patrick, who explains that he is on the way to Nairobi to begin secondary school. “Ninajifunza Kiswahili,” I tell him, and he tells me the words for chair and window.

The pavement begins, and with it come a series of police stops. The ritual is always the same. Angry guy in uniform walks on, snarls at me and the fact that I only have my ID and no passport,snarls at a few other people’s passports, pulls the Pakistani guy off the bus to see his bag. Onward ho.

One police stop though, there are men in dress-shirts and neckties. They hold rifles. The bus driver grabs a briefcase and gets off the bus. I look around. All eyes through the right window towards the three men. I ask Patrick what is going on. “We can not go farther,” he says.

I blink. “What?”

No response. We watch the driver approach the men. They talk for some minutes. Lots of gesticulation. Silence in the bus. The driver hands the case to the tallest man with the smallest rifle. I look at Patrick. He smiles. “They accepted,” he whispers.

—–

“The truth about the world, he said, is that anything is possible. Had you not seen it all from birth and thereby bled it of its strangeness it would appear to you for what it is, a hat trick in a medicine show, a fevered dream, a trance bepopulate with chimeras having neither analogue nor precedent, an itinerant carnival, a migratory tentshow whose ultimate destination after many a pitch in many a mudded field is unspeakable and calamitous beyond reckoning.”

Roadside charcoal vendors pack up. Uniformed school children cheerfully waddle the final kilometer of their long walk home. Orange clouds and distant hills and small acacia cast long shadows upon the plains of Samburu county.

Day turns to night in Kenya.

We are ten minutes short of Isiolo, an hour from Nanyuki, when a stout policewoman with tight short braids below her cap walks on to the bus. I relax the shoulders. No testosterone-fueled power-trip to worry about here. She comes to me first, holds out her hand. I nudge up towards Patrick like always, smile a winner, and nod as I give her my ID.

She frowns. Where is my passport? I explain that I’d been warned against bringing my passport on account of the dangerous roads. Then she turns around and walks away without handing back the ID. I look at Patrick. He shrugs. I look at Simon. He shrugs. Excuse-me, I say to the woman, but Simon holds me back. It’s not worth it.

She takes a few more passports, and then grabs a few more still. The bus is restless. A woman in a Hijab says that she has no right to do this. The officer ignores her.

Those who have had their passports taken file off the bus in anger. I tell Simon the ID replacement fee is “probably like $300.” Simon agrees this is worth fighting for. We file off last, leave our things in Patrick’s charge.

Motorbike silhouette’s zip and zoom through the night. The policewoman sits in a roadside shack with an authoritative chubby-faced man who gets a deeply masculine thrill out of shining his jumbo flashlight directly into the eyes of those he speaks to.

Initially, there is a crowd, but slowly, fifteen turns to five, then to three, then, once all have retrieved their passports and returned to the bus, it’s just me, Simon, and the police. The language jumps between Kikuyu, Swahili, and English. I catch flashes. They want money. No they don’t. No they do, they want 5000 shillings – about USD$60. “Hapana” says Simon, we have no money. I’m a mzungu, of course I have money. “Fine, 1000 shillings, says the woman”

“Hapana!”

The bus rumbles.

“500”

It moves.

“400”

It drives away. Our stuff is still on board.

The cop shines his light in my eyes and sees the dismay. “Don’t worry, it’ll stop in Isiolo for a bit. How about 300?”

Simon doesn’t let up. It’s standard to pay bribes in Kenya (though less and less so) but I get the sense that Simon’s resilience here is fueled by a deeper sense of national pride in front of a visitor. The police eventually get the message and unapologetically hand back the ID. They tell us to get out of here, and Simon and I storm off down the unlit roadside.

Bodaboda shadows continue to whiz by. Simon whistles. A driver pulls over. No words are exchanged. The two of us hop on. “Isiolo,” says Simon.

—–

 “You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from.”

The air is cool on my face. I am in the middle, the mystery driver to the front, Simon hanging on behind. We weave around a sand truck and a car weaves around us. Some motorbikes have no lights. You hear them. You do not see.

It begins with the first speed bump. Stirring. A restless army musters in the deep. A pothole impels the army to march, but the initial formation rapidly dissolves in the motorbike’s tremor. Zero to ten in mere moments.

The bowels rumble. Code blue.

The far-away glow of Isiolo turns bright and immediate. Buses and Matatus line the road. Which is ours? Has it left? I haven’t yet told Simon of my impending emergency; he is in lockdown mode, intensely intent on getting his charge home without incident. Beads of sweat condense on the lower back. The motorcycle zooms onward.

All at once, pain and numbness in the nethers. The internal sphincter has fallen. The external sphincter weakens. As arms wiggle and wobble on that final push-up, so to do I. Adrenaline shoots from my head to my toes. There’s the bus! No wrong one. No it’s that one over there! We drive. Bump bump bump. What kind of bullshit shocks are these? We drive and there is Patrick’s plump round bucktoothed face jammed out the small hole in the window. He waves. Simon waves back. I can’t wave. It’s a blur. I tell Simon of my problem. He asks the driver where I can go. Driver says no time.

We file on. Climb the stairs. Whole bus is seated and staring and smiling. The mzungu made it back! Guy who speaks American English starts telling me about his week in North Dakota. I nod. My face is red. We head to the back. Patrick pats the seat he saved for me and I ignore him; I sit alone in the row to his front and lay on the window.

A brief wave of lucidity. I do the calculation. Fifty minutes to Nanyuki. The mere thought zaps my aching sphincter of its essential remaining strength. Simon sees me. What’s wrong, says Patrick? I glare at him. Poor Patrick. He could never understand. Simon and I lock eyes. He understands. The gate cannot hold.

“One minute,” yells Simon to the driver as we hightail off the bus. The driver, who is leaning on the bus’s side, does not respond. Simon and I zig-zag and zag-zig. “Choo iko wapi? choo iko wapi?! Simon and I collide. Our heads turn. We see it together. A clinic!

Inside, my eyes are wide and red and desperate. I frantically pan my head around. Where where where!!! I bounce my feet and spin spin spin. I see something that says lavatory and furiously shake the door handle. That’s the laboratory, yells Simon.

Baffled visitors gape at my jig until Simon points aggressively out the back door. Indeed, there it is. A beacon in the night. A corrugated metal shed housing a pit latrine. I make a bowlegged dash. Sweet relief is on the way. I pull the door.

It’s locked.

“I’ll find a key,” screams Simon, and he runs back inside. The air is humid, dank. I lean on the side of the shed and drag myself around it. Movement is essential. Hold, sphincter, hold! There is a field of grass. It is dark. A mosque rises above the wood shacks surrounding the field. It is illuminated, ostentatious, crisp clean spires rising above all. The sounds of the city beyond the clinic are barely audible. I limp. I look to the sky. Bubbles below. There is no strength remaining. Simon has not returned in time. The bus will soon leave. All is lost. There is no hope. I can hold no more.

—–

“Do you take pride in your hurt? Does it make you seem large and tragic? …Well, think about it. Maybe you’re playing a part on a great stage with only yourself as audience.” 

The lights of the mosque cast deep shadows on the grass. They flicker and shake. It, is everywhere. Everywhere.

“Simon,” I groan. “I… I didn’t make it.” I hear rustling by the clinic’s backdoor as Simon, who had obtained the key, sprints back inside. It’s me and the wind.

I look around and take inventory of the situation. My pants cast off a couple feet to my right. My boxers inside of them. My favorite fish and boat tan polo on top and nothing on bottom. I sit in shock. I crawl over to the pants and dig through the pockets to get my phone and wallet and keys. It’s delicate, there is much to avoid, but I’ve extracted just about everything of value when I hear a sound. I look up.

A woman in a hijab stands five feet away. We make eye contact and both freeze. A couple seconds go by. Still no sound.

It’s unclear how long she has been standing here but it doesn’t take long to surmise that this is in fact her yard. In calculating my next move, I consider the situation as she must see it. To her, I am a naked cursing white man crawling in and around (god willing) his own shit just outside of a perfectly suitable bathroom, his pale white ass gleaming even through the darkness, his scent a damp combo of fecal matter and old-spice deodorant (“if your grandpa hadn’t warn it, you wouldn’t be alive!”).

The veracity of this perspective puts me in a bit of a pinch, so I defer the first move to the woman. A few more seconds of silence still, and then she makes her play, a high pitched and extended shriek of death in the spirit of the Witch King of Angmar:

“AAHAAAAHHAWAAR! AAAWWTTSAAAA!”

I stand reflexively, exposing a nasty bit more of my pale white self. The shriek turns to words, but they are not in English.

“Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry” I sputter, throwing myself into a crouch. She doesn’t let up.

Her little girls come out, all in Hijab’s themselves. They cover their mouths and giggle. The woman continues to scream; I cover myself. “It was an accident! Can’t you see!?”

A horn honks on the other side of the clinic. There goes the bus. There goes all of my stuff. Screaming continues. Another woman comes out and joins in. Outnumbered, I retreat back into my own head, think of a time weeks in the future, when (unless I get deported) this will all just be a distant mildly amusing memory.

Steps in the clinic; a door slams. I turn. Simon rounds the pit latrine-shed corner in a full sprint. He has his bag; he has my bag.

He pulls up, evaluates the situation, dives into his backpack for some jeans. “Put these on!” Simon hurls them my way. I stumble about and wrestle them on. They’re far too big but still, one dignity is finally reclaimed.

Simon assumes a power stance directly between the woman and I. He speaks a calm confident Swahili. I cower behind. I have a firm grip on each side of the jeans. A girl, maybe 15, emerges from same house as the woman. She looks at the ground around me, then at my skin, then places her hand on her hips.

“Hey! Where you from,” she yells with some serious ‘tude

She speaks English. I don’t respond.

“Hey! I’m talkin to you. Where are you from?”

“U.S.” I mumble. I can’t just ignore her. I did, after all, just take a shit in her yard. This takes her by surprise. “Oh, well, well hmm, is this what you do in America? Huh? You just go around and feces in other people’s yard?” I stare at her. Simon and the mother continue to do battle in Swahili on the side.

“Huh? Is that what you do over there? Well welcome to Africa, welcome to Kenya, we don’t do that here.”

She is quite pleased with herself. She’s doing that thing with her hand where you twist your wrist in a circle, and then thrust the hand out towards the victim, palm first. She does that repeatedly. Her other hand, the left one, still rests on her hip. I’m regaining awareness; it occurs to me that I might defend myself to the one person who would understand my words. I begin to explain myself, that in fact we don’t feces in other people’s yards in America, that this was an honest mistake, that I’m on a trip to visit some motherfucking kids we sponsor to go to school thank you very much, but I only get about five words in before Simon turns and glares and warns me not to speak to her.

The father comes out. “Mzungu!” he booms. “Sit Down!”

Terrified, I obey.

“Don’t sit down,” yells Simon. “Do. Not. Sit. Down!”

“MZUNGU! SIT, DOWN!” yells the man again, who has positioned himself opposite to me from Simon.

“NO!” yells Simon. I’m in a partial squat, like I’m doing a half-assed wall sit. I maintain a firm grip upon the sides of my pants.

The dad moves on to demand a thorough clean of the impact zone. Simon scrambles to find a receptacle, eventually returning from the clinic with a yellow plastic grocery bag.  He throws it to me, and to my knees I go. I begin with the pants and the underwear. The belt is still salvageable, but there is no time. All of it goes in the bag. Then it’s on to the real stuff, no jean denim to shield my hand this time. I hold my breath and go for it: grab, throw, grab, throw. A deafening rabble in the angry circle around me. They are not satisfied. It is not clean enough. Remnants remain.

The father howls something at Simon, and Simon runs off and brings back a stick. “I’ll dig, you shovel,” he says, and with that he frantically and repeatedly jabs his stick into the impact zone. I scrape up the stick’s products with my now-black right hand, throw it into the bag. Stab dig stab dig. I’m rolling. I’m ripping up grass. No remains. The shouting hasn’t abated. “What about there!” yells the English-speaking girl. “Hapa Hapa HAPA!”

It’s all in the bag. I can hear my heart beat.

Curious onlookers materialize out of the darkness. Now there’s more than ten. Simon explains and explains. I keep hearing the world “polezi.” I keep hearing big numbers followed by “shilingi.” The fifteen year old continues to spit vitriol. She keeps using “feces” as a verb. This irks me. Her anger turns to Simon.

“This is the man you choose to be your role model in Kenya? Him?” She looks disgusted. Maybe you should make better choices about who you hang around with, don’t you think?”

I look over and Simon remains stoic. It appears he is beginning to make progress.

No longer will they call the police. Then no longer do they want money. Now they just want me out of their sight. The breakthrough, I will learn, was derived out of the still prominent tribal structure of Kenya; they were speaking Kikuyu amongst themselves, and Simon responded in kind. They could work with him.

Simon turns around. “Lets go.”

I wordlessly follow. I hear the voice, that goddamn girl’s voice behind me. “What? You’re not even gonna say thank you? That’s real polite.”

I mumble “thank you” like an idiot and trudge behind Simon into the clinic. Everyone inside knows. Everyone stares. The bloated yellow bag swings in the grip of my black, crusted hand.

—–

“Time interval is a strange and contradictory matter in the mind. It would be reasonable to suppose that a routine time or an eventless time would seem interminable. It should be so, but it is not. It is the dull eventless times that have no duration whatever. A time splashed with interest, wounded with tragedy, crevassed with joy – that’s the time that seems long in the memory. And this is right when you think about it. Eventlessness has no posts to drape duration on. From nothing to nothing is no time at all.” 

“And, of course, people are interested only in themselves. If a story is not about the hearer he will not listen.” 

Simon and Andrew in Laisamis the night before.
Simon and Andrew in Laisamis the night before.

The town is dead. Only the glue-fiends and the corn-salesmen and Simon and I are still out. We walk in silence next to the road. He says nothing. I say nothing. Cats and rats dig through garbage. We walk. What am I gonna do with my bag? What are we gonna do?

“Simon,” I mumble. “There isn’t much to say. “I don’t, I don’t really know what to say, all I can really think is thanks. I owe you so many Tuskers. I’m sorr-“

“You owe me nothing. Nothing. If you had meant to do it, now, now that would be bad, but it was an accident. You owe me nothing. You are my brother.”

We walk in silence some more.

“Simon, why didn’t you want me to sit down.”

“Why should you sit down? Why? You did nothing wrong. Why should you be shamed like that?”

As I see it, there are a good many reasons why I ought to have been shamed like that, but I just nod and smile.

Now at this point, I have known Simon for around ten days. He’s been wonderful to me. He’s shown me around, taken me out for Tuskers, done everything in his power to smoothen the transition to life in Kenya. I have done nothing in return. I may have bought him a few Tuskers here and there to even the score, but already the scales were so tipped in his favor. It’s the sort of generosity for which forward payment, as opposed to individual repayment, is expected; a kindness that inspires kindness not just in return, but in general.

We determine that that the best route is just to find some way, any way, to get home, back to Nanyuki, back to Wama, back to a place we know. I of course, can’t approach within ten feet of anyone out of consideration for their senses, but Simon scurries about and luck finds him: across the street, a white private matatu sits waiting for lost souls in this dark Isiolo night.

The driver, a man with a flat-cap, a cigarette, and a black leather jacket, nods at us. He understands. His voice is Freeman-esque, rich and deep.

“There’s a shower in that hotel over there. I’ll wait outside.”

The hotel owner sees me and the bag. He understands. He directs me to a corrugated metal shack, not unlike the pit latrine from before. I enter dirty; I emerge clean.

The owner laughs. “Karibu Isiolo,” he yells happily as Simon and I walk away into the night. “You’re welcome back any time.”

The cab is waiting outside. Simon goes to find some gin, and I take a seat on the right hand side behind the driver.

He strikes a match and the interior of the matatu glows orange. His silhouette deepens. Distant mad cries frame the empty silence. He lights his cigarette, takes a drag. and then, cigarette in hand, rests his right arm on the windowsill. He exhales. The sound of his breath is slow and deep and thoughtful.

“My friend,” he says. “Where did it all go wrong?”

Hardwood Odyssey

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Sports

Mar 13, 2014


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This article ran in the December 2009 issue of the Garfield Messenger (Garfield HS, Seattle). Tony now plays for the Philadelphia 76ers.

Sometime in October, my esteemed editor Larson Gunnarsson approached me with a proposition: I was to try out for the basketball team and give an account of the adventure. In the coming weeks, this agreement came back to haunt me. Since my days as a freshman, I had harbored an immense respect for Garfield basketball players. They were huge. They secreted swagger. They leaned against corridor walls, arms crossed, smiling fiendishly. Their presence drained all my confidence, any sense of myself. Tony, especially. His talent conferred on him an almost godlike stature, someone who couldn’t be defined in terms of “sophomore” or “underclassman.” A mere mortal myself, I craved his arrogance, his natural gifts, his world. I did not know or care about the personalities of Garfield ballers, but in their presence I felt awe, and something that bordered on fear. And so, the month before tryouts became increasingly painful as the sheer short-sightedness and stupidity of the agreement began to dawn on me. I would be matching up with varsity players. Varsity. Goddamn varsity. Every time I passed Tony in the halls, or Correy Bagby, or Jaron Cox,  I could only think: fuuuuuuuuck.

I enlisted Wilson Platt for emotional support. Wilson, a junior, started varsity last year, but he was not intimidating like the others. Cheery, likeable, and white, Wilson provided an outlet for my misgivings and insecurities about the looming tryouts. “The worst thing that could possibly happen,” I remember him saying, “is you get kicked out.” Vaguely reassured, I awaited the first day of tryouts the way an old man sits on the porch and ponders his fate.

When judgment day arrived, I was ready. I hydrated consciously throughout the day. I went home after school to stretch and grab a potassium-laden banana. I slipped on my fresh new Reebok crew socks, laced up my grime-encrusted Nikes and was out the door. At precisely 4:30 I walked into the gym foyer. Fifty people or more stood around, some talking and laughing, others plugged into their iPods with their heads down. I noticed shorter, baby-faced freshman and sophomores slouching, dispersed at random intervals, and felt a minor resurgence in confidence. I found Wilson in this scrum and sauntered up to him with as much grace and coolness as I could muster. In mid-saunter, I felt the eyes of big black dudes boring holes into the back of my head. I felt small. Wilson met me with his usual winsome smile. But at that moment, first-year coach Ed Haskins ushered the crowd into the gym, hopeful frosh and cocksure seniors alike.

Haskins sat everyone down in the bleachers. I studied him as he introduced himself and his assistants. He wasn’t tall, maybe 5’9″, but he commanded respect. Not just with his calm, sure voice, but with the way he gestured his arms, the way he explained the tryout semantics and included all of us in his gaze. After a brief warm-up, Haskins shouted: “Baseline!”

The first sprints were easy enough, but Haskins was not satisfied. He paced. He fumed. “This is unacceptable!” he shouted. He paced some more. “You will support your teammates as they run. Because you know you want them to support you! Let’s go!”

The response was overwhelming. Dudes sprinted high-knees down the court – high-knees – and everybody shouted out support, clapping their hands, eyebrows pointed in focus. The energy in the gym crackled. I was swept along in the frenzy, as much from legitimate excitement as my desire to simply to be included and not stand out.

The practice zipped along. The energy from the lines did not waver, but the severity of the sprints increased. We began doing “deep sixes,” six court lengths. Haskins chewed out the loafers. “You need mental toughness to play basketball!” he bellowed. “You walk? You are not mentally tough!”

We ran by class. Seniors last. Initially, I hung with the pack, but there was no gas in the tank for the last sprint. Going into the sixth and final turn, I was at least half a court length behind the next senior. As the pack finished at one end, I was working my way past the opposite three-point line. Wilson shouted “Let’s go Danny!”, which was slightly uplifting, but at the same time made me feel like a highly functioning autistic.

Haskins mercifully allowed a water break. I could hardly move. My vision had blurred. It took immense self-control and willpower to climb up the bleachers to my water bottle. As soon as I touched my dry lips to the lid, Haskins shouted “baseline!” I staggered back towards the group assembling at one end of the court, but did not stop once I reached it. I made it to the foyer before the dry-heaves began. I turned around long enough to see a guy giving me a wide-eyed, oh-shiit look before I plunged onward, finally reaching the bathroom, feeling my way to a stall, leaning over the toilet, and letting the vomit fly like a Nolan Ryan fastball.

I remember feeling so pathetic stooped over in that bathroom stall, remnants of the day’s chow mein clinging to my lips, standing still and alone while everybody was toughing it out in the gym. Whether it was a matter of pure exhaustion, as I hoped, or a matter of mental strength, as Haskins might have believed, I was weak. Practice ended soon thereafter. I departed the gym, feeling, if possible, smaller and more insignificant than when practice had begun.

The next day’s practice included only juniors, seniors, and underclassmen stars. The group shrank to 21; the stragglers had vanished. “This is essentially a varsity practice,” Haskins told us. “And I ask only that you hustle.” He interspersed sprints throughout the practice, but they were ultimately irrelevant next to the heart of the drama, the sacramental moment where we touched basketballs.

Here I offer some perspective on my playing ability. I have fundamentals. I can pass and set screens and play D, but that’s about it. Giving me the ball is a bad idea. In the rec city championship game last year, I took fourteen shots and missed fourteen shots. So needless to say, I had serious misgivings about scrimmaging with varsity. We ran full-court 5-on-5 drills. I was the weakest, smallest, and least skilled player on my team, by far. My teammates said nothing, but I could tell what they were thinking: Who is this little bitch white boy and what is he doing here?

Interestingly enough, the first couple of minutes went swimmingly. I was guarding someone smallish who couldn’t blow by or overpower me. For the first time in my life, I dove after a loose ball. I launched a three-pointer off the backboard, but shrugged it off. I began to feel a sensation that verged on the comfort zone. Until Tony guarded me.

It was just one play. But it was the worst play of my life. I received the ball on the top of the key. Tony stepped up and settled into a crouch across from me, maybe two feet away, eyes wide like a hyena’s. “GIMME DEEEZZ!” he screamed. He stretched his massive wingspan, as if to embrace me, although truly he was letting me know, you will not enjoy this. Too focused to be deterred by fear, I drove to the left and cut past him. In retrospect, I can only presume he wasn’t trying, because a) realistically he would lock me up in a heartbeat, and b) he subsequently pushed me from behind and poked the ball away.

Scrimmage progressed, and I slowly found a role on my team. I seldom touched the ball, set a few screens on offense, and played the most tenacious defense I could muster. Although I performed this role relatively well, I didn’t feel a part of the team. It was as if there were two groups of people trying out that day: those who were locks for varsity and those very close, and then everybody else. The outsiders. The varsity players were outgoing and arrogant, like a fraternity, a very exclusive fraternity of which membership was nearly impossible to attain. The outsiders may even outperform varsity players, but that does not grant them a spot in the varsity clique. I held my own against Correy Bagby on defense, an enormous personal victory. I busted my ass, played unselfish basketball. I shattered this illusion that varsity ballers play on an entirely different level, an inhuman level, but I remained still an outsider, lowly and unimportant.

As practice drew to a close, I gathered my belongings, kept to myself. Didn’t say a word. But inside, a strange sensation was brewing, displacing the insecurity and discomfort I had experienced in the days leading up to tryouts. I felt bold. Simply because I had staved off humiliation, I was unconquerable. Exhausted yet weightless, I gave Wilson one last high five and stepped out into the cool crisp night.

“gimme deez”

Stranded in Kenya: The Seahawks Win Super Bowl XLVIII

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Sports Travel

Feb 25, 2014


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The Seattle Seahawks played nineteen games this season, and I watched all of them — all of them, except one. As the Seahawks took the field at MetLife Stadium to do battle with the Denver Broncos in Super Bowl XLVIII, I was fast asleep in the Kenyan bush, 100 miles west of Nairobi. It was 2:30 in the morning. When I emerged from my tent at dawn the game was long over. I dreamed that the Seahawks had beaten the Broncos, 16-14.

Team Kenya Safari consisted of my brother Andrew, Mom, Mom’s friend Betsy, and Mom’s sister Margaret, and myself. Safari! Wooo!!! The morning after the Super Bowl, we went on a hike to visit a primary school and learn about the trees that heal gonorrhea (‘gon-OR-rhe-a’ in Kenyan parlance). Jonathan, a Maasai warrior, was our guide. We had visited his village the day before. I asked him if his village played any sports for fun. “No,” he said, “but I ran relays in college.”

We would next have Wi-Fi in four days’ time, at the Lake Nakuru hotel. We could stream the Super Bowl there. By some T-Mobile voodoo magic, Margaret’s husband was able to deliver her the final score. She told Betsy, and they were on strict orders not to discuss the game until the rest of us had watched it ourselves.

We mingled with lions, zebras, and elephants on the Serengeti, paid visits to villages, farms, and schools, and made escapes from hordes of rabid whittled-giraffe salesmen. At last, we made it to the Lake Nakuru hotel. Andrew, Mom, and I sat outside at a picnic table overlooking the lake, sipping Tusker (the local brew of choice) and downloading the NFL Game Rewind app on Mom’s iPad so we could watch the game. The app loaded at a glacial pace, but our spirits soared high above the Kenyan savanna. The wait was finally over. Seahawks! Broncos! The big enchilada! Let the rumble begin!!!

I tapped Begin Stream. A message popped up. It read: “Sorry, NFL Game Rewind has not been cleared for use in your region.”

What happened immediately next was a blur. Profanities were uttered. Tusker was consumed. “Isn’t the NFL supposed to be trying to expand into foreign markets?” Andrew asked.

Marooned by the National Football League. Classic. In retrospect, I should have seen it coming. But if I had endured the four-day wait with anything less than 100% hope for a successful viewing, I would have folded and asked Margaret the score. It was a valiant effort, and for that I patted myself on the back. Now there was little choice but to rip off the band-aid. Mom checked the score and announced the result: the Seahawks won. 43-8.

It was the first Seattle championship of my lifetime and instantly the greatest moment in Seattle sports history. As such, I got up and humped the air triumphantly, but I could already tell something was wrong. There was no euphoric rush, no pleasant tingle, not even the kind that comes from swishing a three-pointer. There was nothing to savor. I hadn’t earned the emotional reward of victory. I hadn’t hiked to the mountaintop, I flew there by helicopter. I had cheated. Or rather, I had been cheated. I would be better off in Jonathan’s village, I thought, having never heard of the Seattle Seahawks, never grasping the concept of sports because sports only exist on the upper rungs of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

I self-diagnosed myself with acute retroactive FOMO. It can be more or less summed up in terms of my friend Larson Gunnarsson. Heart of gold, lover of dogs, he was that kid in 3rd grade who licked slugs and cried when his team lost in football at recess. He is the truest sports fan I know. He flew out from Seattle to New York, where I live, to attend the Super Bowl with his brother. After the game, he posted on Facebook: “Tonight is the single best day of my life and nothing has ever come close. SEAHAWKS!!!!!!!”

I know exactly what sort of afterparty went down, because I’ve constructed it in my imagination. Immersed in a giant army of Seahawks fans, Larson, our friends, and I take to the streets of Manhattan full of Jim Beam and jubilation, first the East Village, then Downtown, then up to Midtown, then to Central Park as the sun rises to share what remains in our flasks with the homeless, and finally to the Upper West Side for Monday brunch.

***

Stranded in a distant land. A victim of injustice. I couldn’t even relate my plight to my own brother, a diehard Mariners fan but only a casual Seahawks fan. For the first time, I found myself craving the 12th Man.

Over the course of the 2013 season, I grew increasingly cynical about the Seahawks’ famously loud home crowd, the 12th Man. As the Seahawks’ record progressed from 4-0 to 8-1 to 12-2, the national media paid the 12th Man progressively more attention and fair-weathers piled onto the bandwagon. I rolled my eyes as the 12th Man attempted to coronate itself with the Guinness record for world’s loudest crowd. I rolled my eyes as people posted pictures of their freshly needled ‘12’ tattoos, as one young couple named their newborn Cydnee Leigh 12th Mann. What a bunch of tools, I thought. I didn’t need the 12th Man as a prop to prove my devotion to the Seahawks. If there is a God, he knows I’m a real fan.

A couple days before the Super Bowl, at the elephant orphanage in Nairobi National Park, we spotted a woman taking pictures with a 12th Man flag, and Mom chatted her up. Margaret, a Denverite, sidled up alongside the woman and nudged her in the ribs. “Go Broncos,” she said.

The woman nudged Margaret back. “Go Hawks,” she said.

This jocular ribbing amongst women in their late fifties continued for about ten minutes, after which Andrew and I were coerced into posing for a picture with the 12th Man flag. To my horror, Mom later posted the picture to Facebook.

Mom isn’t much of a football fan. But if we had been able to stream the Super Bowl at the Lake Nakuru hotel, I would have watched in relative silence while she screamed obscenities and made herky-jerky guttural noises at the screen. The line between the fair-weather and the diehard blurs in the moment of reckoning.

Mom is a lot like Ramsey from the Bud Light “It’s only weird if it doesn’t work” commercial in which the narrator, who we’ll call Steve, is forced to watch the Patriots game with the overzealous Ramsey. I hate watching football with Ramsey. All he does is yell. They can’t hear you, Ramsey! But the Patriots never lose when Ramsey comes over to watch. I love you, Ramsey, Steve says.

Who is crazier, Ramsey or Steve? Ramsey becomes so engrossed in the drama of the game that he loses contact with reality and forgets he’s with people. Ramsey is Alan from “The Hangover” gone berserk. Steve keeps his composure, but he’s convinced himself that Ramsey, if sitting in Steve’s living room, possesses the ability to bend cosmic vibrations such that they align in the Patriots’ favor. Within every fan there is both Ramsey and Steve, both the passion and the superstition that sustain the belief that fans are as integral to the sport as the players. If players are artists and no one recognizes their work, did they create anything to begin with? Arrogant and selfless, fans want above all to compel their players to dig deeper, until they become more than just an audience – until they become actors.

The 12th Man isn’t an expression of tradition. It’s an expression of this belief that fans matter. The central precept of the 12th Man is to be heard, the goal to disrupt the opposing offense’s play calls and snap counts. Since 2012, the Seahawks are 10-8 on the road and 17-1 at home. The cause is worthy. The cause is virtuous. As the 2013 season progressed and the stakes rose, the cause broiled itself into a tsunami that breached the walls of CenturyLink Field and swept across greater Seattle. Fair-weathers everywhere, their capacity to emote no less than that of the diehards. My dad reported that during his trip to the grocery store the day before the Super Bowl, “every woman from age 5 to 85 was wearing a Seahawks jersey.”

The 12th Man isn’t an expression of tradition. It’s an expression of a civic pride Seattle never before knew it had.

The morning after the failed attempt to watch the Super Bowl, we went on a game drive in Lake Nakuru National Park. As the rest of Team Kenya Safari clutched their binoculars and scanned the horizon for rhinos, I laid despondent and wistful in the backseat, my mind elsewhere. I wasn’t thinking about the highlights I’d ended up watching on repeat the night before, or the Seahawk players who had fulfilled their lifelong dream of winning a Super Bowl. I thought about Larson Gunnarsson and company going buckwild in New York. I thought about the 700,000 Seattleites who turned out for the victory parade.

When a team wins a championship, how much ownership can fans claim? They exist on the same emotional plane as the players. But unlike fans, players both participate in and bear witness to greatness. The role of the fans is ambiguous and peripheral, no matter how intense their fervor. If fans lay dubious claim to the real trophy, they at least can claim a parallel simulacrum of a trophy and pass it around amongst themselves. A fan isn’t on a journey with the players – he’s on a journey with other fans. The players aren’t his brothers — the fans are.

Watching the Seahawks has been a reliable source of emotional and existential purpose for me over the years. If my reaction to them winning the Super Bowl by a score of 43-8 is any indication, sharing the viewing experience with others, however remotely, must be meaningful. When I watch a Seahawks game alone in my New York apartment, I am not Bear Grylls, self-sufficient in a wilderness of degenerate Patriots, Giants, and Jets fans. I am occupying the same psychic space as other Seahawk fans watching the game same as me. If Andrew, Mom, and I had been able to watch Super Bowl XLVIII, it’s not as if we would have been the only three Seahawk fans on Earth. Through time and space we would have rode with the 12th Man.

“It’s Not Just About Sports”

by

Frankie Pavia

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life Sports

Feb 19, 2014


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I was still in a bit of a stupor the morning after the Super Bowl. Actually I was completely delirious. My voice was hoarse from screaming Richard Sherman quotes at passersby after the game. A Seattle team was world champions, in the most convincing fashion imaginable, and I wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself. I drunkenly stumbled around in a snowstorm at 10:30 AM trying to decide whether I was in any state capable of going to work. I then got an email from Sunil Gulati, co-instructor of the course I TA, saying that Casey Ichniowski had suddenly passed away.

When I arrived at Columbia three years ago, sports were everything. Growing up, my dream was to become a sportswriter. My friends and I started a copyright-infringing paper called “Fox Sports World” in second grade. I had written for my high school newspaper, a local sports blog, and a national NBA scouting website. The path to becoming a sports journalist was clear, bordered by lush vegetation and the scent of fresh flowers. A dense fog obscured all other paths.

The sports path became even more enticing my freshman year when I got a job with Casey Ichniowski, a labor economist and professor at the Columbia Business School. I began working as a research assistant on two projects. The first project sought to quantify the effect a player’s March Madness performance had on where he would be picked in the NBA Draft. The second project sought to establish whether star players on relatively weak national soccer teams made their teammates better.

Of course, I was just excited to be doing research on sports. My goals at this point were shifting from journalism to the front office – to be general manager of a sports team. I tried to shift my academic interests towards advancing that end. There was just one problem – I simply did not enjoy economics classes. During my sophomore year it became readily apparent that my academic passion was earth science, not anything related to sports.

My meetings with Casey became more frequent during that year as the paper about March Madness approached completion. In early March, the paper was submitted and released to positive reviews from fellow economists, but a tepid response from those in the basketball industry. I relayed some of the negative comments from basketball writers and scouts the next time I met Casey and received a surprising response.

He told me, “It’s not just about sports.” He explained what I’d known all along, but never truly grasped about the basketball and soccer projects I’d worked on – the research was about something bigger. Sports were just a medium Casey used to answer fundamental questions about labor economics. In the basketball paper he found that executives use rational decision-making processes when evaluating employees. In the soccer paper he found that peer effects are hugely important in the workplace, that “Hiring high talent workers has spillover effects.”

Casey and I, it turns out, had blazed similar paths. Our athletic careers ended in high school, but our love for sports never waned. Our academic interests deviated from sports, but we kept them in our lives nonetheless. The past two years, Casey and I worked together to develop a sports management course for MBA students at Columbia. The first edition of the class, last spring, was a success, though an incredible amount of work. We met every week, sometimes getting distracted and talking about sports, sometimes rigorously planning our next steps to improve the course. No two meetings were the same – the only constants were his impeccably groomed mustache, thirty years in the making, and the fuss of hair that migrated from on top of his head to the front no matter how often he fixed it.

At that point, Casey and I were the only remaining members of the sports group that had once bustled with undergraduate research assistants. The course we were planning was six years in the making, but had never gotten off the ground. I like to think the class finally happened because Casey wanted to keep sports an active part of his life. His children had all entered college; his time coaching youth sports was over. The basketball and soccer projects had mostly concluded. The course was the link back to what he loved so much. It was certainly that way for me – working on my thesis in oceanography, spending almost all my time in the lab, meeting with Casey in his office was my escape back to my purest love.

The course was off to a strong start this semester. With a year of experience and improvements under our belts, the first class went swimmingly. It seemed that Casey, Professor Gulati, and I had created an exceptional class. Then Professor Gulati’s email came, Casey was gone from our lives, and my world had been jolted into disequilibrium. The week after the Super Bowl was extraordinarily difficult. I struggled to balance the exuberance of winning the Super Bowl with the sorrow of losing one of my closest mentors.

I attended Casey’s funeral the Saturday after the Super Bowl to pay my respects. Casey was always there for me – he talked me about my academic path, my career goals, and my general interests. He was the first person I talked to about my mom receiving chemotherapy, the first person to give me perspective and hope about the situation. We talked about our families a lot. I had only met his wife and one of his children briefly, but Casey made me feel like a member of his family, and I tried to make him feel like part of mine.

“It’s not just about sports” is the most important advice I have ever received in my life. It drove me to seek out a path in earth science, which provides fulfillment in a way sports never could. I could have easily followed the first path presented to me and worked for a sports team, with the highest priority making an owner more money – even winning is simply a conduit for that. But Casey helped me see that there was more to the world than that – that I could make a bigger impact somewhere else and still be just as passionate.

The course was how we both connected back to the sports world. It was a bond we shared that was forged by our mutual love for it. The course is continuing on after Casey’s death, with Casey, as Professor Gulati eloquently put it, “working remotely.”

At his funeral, I listened to speaker after speaker share their memories with Casey. Everyone in his life relished the moments they spent sharing their love of sports with him, how strong a connection they were able to develop over that one topic.  I thought about how excited I’d been to talk about the Super Bowl with him, for him to share my joy in the Seahawks winning, to hear him talk about the greatest sports teams of his lifetime.

The week after the Super Bowl, my greatest joys, my favorite moments, came from watching the videos of Seahawks celebrating afterwards. Seattle fans felt personal, emotional connections to the individual players in a way I have never seen before in sports. We danced to Bay Area rap with Marshawn Lynch. We screamed at opposing fans with Richard Sherman. We got chills every time Pete Carroll referenced the impeccable connection the players had with “The 12s” in locker room speeches because we knew it was true. I was unable to share my joy with Casey, but I could share it with the team itself – I coped with Casey’s loss by watching and rewatching the Sound F/X videos of Seahawks players mic’d up during the games. I’ve listened to the same song Marshawn listened to in the locker room, Philthy Rich’s Ready to Ride Remix, hundreds of times on repeat. Doing these things created abstract tie points in my life chronology that connect otherwise disparate events – they allowed the joy of winning the Super Bowl to spill over and counteract the sorrow of losing one of my mentors and idols.

Casey’s mantra “It’s not just about sports” never rang truer than during these moments after the game. I was excited that the Seahawks had won the Super Bowl because I wanted to share my happiness with all my friends, with the Seahawks players, with all my fellow Seahawks supporters, and with everyone who knew the joy that a Super Bowl win would bring Seattle fans. Sports do have true value. It’s not just about sports – it’s about the people who share your experiences with, the community of fans, players and sports lovers around you, and there is nothing greater than that.

The Last Contest: Hanging With the Big Dogs at the 2013 Putnam Math Competition

by

Zach Wener-Fligner

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life Sports

Jan 26, 2014


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Harvard University junior Evan O’Dorney’s first math contest was the Go Figure Math Challenge, a kitschy sort of competition for New Mexico high schoolers that O’Dorney took when he was in the “threeth” grade, as he says with a giggle. The contest organizers had never had such a young competitor, and when O’Dorney earned an honorable mention they printed him a certificate with the wrong ordinal suffix: three-t-h.

The Go Figure challenge was the first swing of little league for O’Dorney, a Bo Jackson of scholastic competition. He won the Scripps National Spelling Bee in 2007–gaining Internet notoriety for an awkward interview with former CNN anchor Kiran Chetry that now tops 400,000 YouTube views–and the Intel National Science Fair in 2011 for devising a new formula for approximating square roots. In Spain, Germany, Kazakhstan and the Netherlands, he competed on the six-person U.S. team in the annual International Math Olympiad (IMO), the definitive world math championship for high school kids. At Kazakhstan in 2010, his junior year of high school, he placed second.

“The problems were favorable to me that year,” he says. “For some reason I just wrote down the junk I thought of and it was almost a solution.”

“He’s a legendary competitor,” says Ben Gunby.“I feel like I would have to be an encyclopedia to remember all of his accomplishments.” Gunby is no slouch himself. He was on the United States IMO team with O’Dorney in Kazakhstan and in the Netherlands the following year, when Gunby placed 14th in the world. He would have likely competed the next year, too, but he left high school after his junior year to attend MIT.

There is Mitchell Lee, Gunby’s college roommate last year, who was on the U.S. team in the Netherlands and the following year in Argentina–like Gunby, he left high school a year early after MIT accepted him, but spent a year doing math research rather than matriculating immediately.

And then there is Zipei Nei, another MIT junior, a Shanghai native who competed exactly once in the Olympiad, on the venerable Chinese team–“When China doesn’t win you figure there’s something fishy about the way the problems were written,” O’Dorney says. That one time was 2010 in Kazakhstan, the year that O’Dorney scored a remarkable 39 out of a possible 42 points for second in the world. Nei scored a perfect 42 out of 42.

These Cantabrigians whiz kids are the four returning Fellows of the William Lowell Putnam Mathematics Competition, the only high-profile collegiate math contest in the United States. The fifth Fellow, another IMO alumnus named Eric Larson, graduated from Harvard and is now in a math doctorate program at MIT.

In some ways, the list of Putnam high-scorers since the test’s inception in 1938 is a Who’s Who of influential American scientific academics. There are winners of the Fields Medal and Abel Priz–math’s versions of the Nobel prize–MacArthur Geniuses, actual Nobel laureates, and a whole lot of award-winning professors at top-tier Institutions. Richard Feynman, the dazzling Nobel prize-winning physicist, was a fellow in the test’s second year; John Nash, a famed Economics laureate whose story is told in “A Beautiful Mind” was never a fellow, but placed in the second five, as did Eric Lander, MIT biology professor and Director of the Broad Institute, an international genomic powerhouse.

But Putnam competitors are, after all, just college students, and their futures are uncertain and malleable. Many go on to pursue academic careers in math or in related fields like physics, computer science or economics. But others pursue completely different tracks, perhaps disenchanted with the world of academia where, unlike the contests they’ve so long excelled at, there is no way to be number one. The most notable is Reid Barton, a four-time IMO competitor who became one of only eight people to have won the Putnam exam four times. (Like NCAA athletics, one only gets four shots at the Putnam, although there is no lower age bound; Arthur Rubin, another four-time winner, became Fellow for the first time at age 14.) After graduating from MIT, Barton spent four years in math doctorate program at Harvard before abandoning the program. He now works for Renaissance Technologies, one of the world’s most successful hedge fund firms.

There’s also a team aspect to the competition. Harvard is the New York Yankees, with 29 victories out of 74 contests. But the scoring rules are unintuitive: schools must designate a three-person team in advance, and no other students can score points. Last year, MIT should have won, having supplied three out of five fellows. But because the three Fellows were not the three team members, the MIT team took second.

The Putnam is the most prestigious competition that no one notices. It is the denouement to the story of ambitious American mathletes that starts in middle school and climaxes with the International Olympiads. Part of the obscurity is due to formatting: the middle school national championship, known as MathCounts, culminates in a dramatic head-to-head showdown between two pubescent competitors racing to buzz and answer. In high school (and even before, for a precocious few), there is a cutthroat hierarchy of tests and nine-hour-day training programs to pick the American team for the IMO. In contrast, anyone can show up and take the Putnam.

At the IMO, results are announced on-site. Putnam tests are shipped off to be graded, with the results released online sometime in March, some three months after the test date in early December. MathCounts champions and the U.S. IMO team members often meet the President and are interviewed on major news channels. Putnam Fellows might get a write-up in a campus publication and a congratulatory dinner sponsored by their University’s math department.

Especially among the more experienced competitors, there’s also a sense of boredom with the contests they’ve spent so much energy training for over the years. But the boredom doesn’t trump the desire to perform.

“I don’t know anyone who genuinely prepares for the Putnam,” says Gunby. “But still, it’s nice to do well. I’m not going to say I don’t care at all about it.”

“It’s not hard to be a Fellow,” says O’Dorney, somehow simultaneously understated and cocky. “It’s a natural part of maturing to place less weight on these contests.”

Abhinav Kumar, an MIT professor who teaches a freshman seminar with professor Henry Cohn to prepare students for the competition, says that apart from his class, Putnam contestants typically start studying a week before. He understands the jadedness as a competitor on the Indian IMO team and a two-time Putnam fellow himself. “When I took my last Putnam, I was glad I wasn’t going to take any more,” he says.

This is, of course, pragmatic. Real contributions to the body of mathematics come from dealing with big questions that might take months or years to solve, not tricky problems that take an afternoon. Moreover, as Cohn says, “Ultimately math is broad and lots of things are intrinsically valuable.” For mature mathematicians, competitions don’t really make sense—there can’t be a Michael Jordan in math.

But at least for the Putnam, the smartest kids in the country keep coming back.

The 74th William Lowell Putnam Mathematics Competition is on December 5, 2013, a brilliantly clear and bitterly cold day in Cambridge. The weather is inconsequential to contestants—all told, the Putnam is an eight-hour ordeal, with three hours to do six questions in the morning, a two-hour lunch break, and three hours to do six more questions in the afternoon. In the Walker Memorial building on the Massachusetts Institute of Technology campus, 200-plus undergraduates mill about the third-floor basketball court that for years has been used only as an exam room: fold-out chairs and tables now permanently line the gym floor.

Some students stand in a line that leads up to tables at the front of the room, where Cohn, Kumar, and other administrators hand out manila packets for the morning session. Others carve out space at one of the many desks, drinking Dunkin Donuts coffees and Snapple and eating bagels and granola bars. Bedhead is the coif en vogue. Couture slants heavily towards t-shirts commemorating math contests or printed with the names of technology companies. The large windows drench the gymnasium with morning sunlight, hinting at the winter air outside.

The MIT team of Gunby, Lee and Nei is here. Gunby looks energetic, like he went through with his plan to “try to actually get some sleep, unlike last year.” Two high-profile freshman newcomers are also here: David Yang and Bobby Shen, linked as IMO teammates in Argentina but also because back in eighth grade, Shen defeated Yang for the MathCounts title in dramatic fashion when Yang buzzed for the final question first, but was unable to answer within the allotted three seconds. Both could score highly, threatening the MIT team’s optimal performance. In recent years, MIT has dominated the individual portion of the competition—last year, 12 out of the top 25 performers were from the Institute—but pick their three team members notoriously poorly, often missing out on a potential victory.

Up the road, it’s largely the same story. Harvard’s team is O’Dorney, plus two students named Allen Yuan and Octav Dragoi. Harvard also has a star freshman in Calvin Deng, who competed at IMO three times.

The test proctors are stressed and rushing–it’s fifteen minutes shy of the official 10 a.m. start time and most students still don’t have their test packets. Cohn urges students to streamline the process by looking up their registration numbers from a sign posted on the wall of the gymnasium: “it’s a number between one and infinity.” The logistical problems encountered at MIT are relatively unique–with 212 pre-registered students and a crowd of waitlisted stragglers, MIT will supply the most test-takers by far. In 2012, 4,277 students from 402 schools took the test–just over 10 students per school, on average.

In line for test packets, students’ moods are lighter, the sound of pre-contest banter echoing throughout the gym.

“Last Putnam ever.”

“Last math contest ever.”

“If I wrote down the wrong ID number I’d probably get a higher score.”

“Yeah, if it was Ben Gunby’s number.”

“Or Bobby Shen’s number.”

“…it’s a problem of a social nature, therefore by definition no one in this room can solve it.”

One by one, we check in with the registration table, get our packets, and find seats. I take a table near the back of the room–in the spirit of full disclosure, I am an MIT math major whose last competitive math experience was placing second in a fifth grade regional prelim of a Washington state contest called “Math Is Cool”. I am comforted by the fact that the median score is, in Cohn’s words, “a small single digit number out of 120.” For mathematical mortals, there is no way to bomb the Putnam: if you get zero, you are average.

One large chalkboard behind the proctor’s table loudly proclaims the rules: “No books, slide rules, notes, paper not supplied by us, calculators, computers, ETC.” Another says that there are 180 minutes left. And then Cohn gives the go ahead, and two hundred tests rustle out of two hundred manila envelopes, and we begin.

The first question asks the competitor to recall that a regular icosahedron is a convex polyhedron having 12 vertices and 20 faces–a Dungeons & Dragons die. It is helpful that the Mathematics Association of America logo, which so happens to be an icosahedron, is depicted at the top of each page. This was likely not overlooked by the test’s authors, a rotating group of three mathematicians from different institutions–Bruce Reznick, who has composed problems for the Putnam, wrote that “It used to be said that a Broadway musical was a success if the audience left whistling the tunes. I want to see contestants leave the Putnam whistling the problems. They should be vivid and striking enough to be shared with roommates and teachers.”

Assisted by the MAA picture, I write down a solution. Each six-problem set is roughly ascending in difficulty–being able to solve the first problem is little solace for the rest of the test.

The room fills with the white noise of writing and fidgeting, occasionally cut by the shearing sound of the electric pencil sharpener at the front of the room. Thumbs twiddle and knees bounce. At least one kid is asleep. There are fewer than five girls in the room (three girls have been Putnam Fellows a total of four times, all since 1996). One boy folds his hand in a complex shape and holds them in front of his eyes, squinting, a bagel hanging from his mouth.

Cohn keeps track of the time, erasing and rewriting the number on the chalkboard at 30 minute intervals and then more frequently until it says five, two, one, and then calls pencils down. I turn in problem one and a partial answer for problem two for which I’ll assuredly receive zero points.

William Lowell Putnam, was a banker, lawyer and member of the Lowell family, a clan of old money Bostonians with close Harvard ties. Putnam, a Harvard man himself, laid the foundation for the contest in an article published in a 1921 issue of the Harvard Graduates’ Magazine, two years before his death. “It seems probable that the competition which has inspired young men to undertake and undergo so much for the sake of athletic victories might accomplish some results in academic fields,” he wrote, lamenting, “All rewards for scholarship are strictly individual… Little appeal is made to high ideals or unselfish motives.”

In 1927, Putnam’s wife and third cousin Elizabeth Lowell Putnam set up the William Lowell Putnam Memorial Fund to carry out the idea. But a 1928 English literary contest between Harvard and Yale (Harvard won) was never repeated.

The competitive fire was relit after a 46-0 slaughter of the Harvard football team at the hands of Army in 1932. After the fray, Abbot Lawrence Lowell, Elizabeth’s brother and the President of Harvard at the time, remarked that while the Army had proven they “could trounce Harvard in football, Harvard could just as easily win any contest of a more academic nature.”

The gauntlet had been thrown down. A mathematics competition between the two schools was planned for the spring of 1933 at West Point, sponsored by Elizabeth Lowell Putnam. Herbert Robbins, a Harvard competitor who would become one of the most notable American mathematicians of the 20th century, wrote later that “it was assumed that our Harvard intellects would easily carry the day.” Robbins found the problems “rather cut and dried,” and remarked that “the highlight of the weekend for me was a date Saturday night in New York City with a girl I had met the previous summer.” In contrast, the cadets trained rigorously twice a week. When all was said and done, Harvard again was stymied. The New York Times headline read that “Army ‘Mathletes’ Defeat Harvard 98-112; Cadet Smith is First in Calculus Affray.”

Lowell’s retirement from the Harvard presidency and Elizabeth’s deteriorating health prevented the repetition of the West Point-Harvard contest. But the seed had been planted. After Elizabeth’s death in 1935, her sons George and August Lowell Putnam took control of their father’s Memorial Fund. Collaborating with George Birkhoff, the head of the Harvard Mathematics Department, they set up the first nationwide Putnam Math Competition in 1938, attracting 163 competitors from 42 colleges.

MIT caters lunch for all contestants in another building, so the Putnam crowd migrates across campus. As soon as the tests are turned in, the gossip starts.

“I wanted to use the intermediate value theorem but it just wasn’t happening.”

“Number three seemed like something I could solve. But not today.”

“You had to assume finiteness.”

“Did you really?”

“Yes, in my proof.”

“Well your proof sucked!”

“I like my way, because now I can say I used the Pigeonhole Principal on every problem except number two.”

Gunby tells me the big story is Wang, the freshman, who got every problem in the first half. When I head back to the test room in Walker early, I find Nei and ask him how the test went.

“I got five problems,” he tells me. “One, two, three, four, and five.”

The second session is more subdued and more students turn in their tests early and leave. Boston winter means that before the test is half finished, the sun has set and the only light comes from the gym’s fluorescent lamps. When Cohn calls time, it seems that everyone is ready to be done doing math for the day.

Rumor has it David Yang, a freshman at MIT, solved 11 out of 12 problems for a total of 110 points–if accurate, a stupefyingly high score. That would mean a sure Fellow spot for Yang and that MIT had shot itself in the foot again, from a team standpoint. According to Gunby, he, Nei, and Lee–the official MIT team–solved 7, 9, and 10 problems respectively, which would likely be enough to win first place. A smattering of others from MIT answered 7 or 8 problems. Gunby is disappointed with his performance, but hopes he can still pull off top 15.

Up the road at Harvard, O’Dorney figures himself a score of 101–another sure Fellow slot. Another team member, Allen Yuan, estimates 40 for himself, “meaning our team picking skills have gotten as bad as MIT’s,” O’Dorney says.

Of course, it’s tough to know for sure. One year, O’Dorney scored himself at 110 and was given 87. The next year, he graded himself at 80 and instead scored a 91.

Really, all they can do is wait for the day in March when the five new Fellows are published—five new feathers in five already-well-plumaged caps—and the rest of us can look on and wonder whether we’re witnessing a mental giant with the power to redraw the borders of human knowledge, or a kid who did well on a math test.

Pound of Rice in the Trash Can: Andrew Does the Dishes

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life Travel

Nov 24, 2013


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For three days now, a pile of honey-glazed carrots has sat on the table in the middle of my flat. It lies amongst the various fruits of my labor; to its right, yesterday’s cornflakes, by now stuck hard and fast to the bowl; to its left, a plate dyed brown from old stir fry, surrounded by a halo of rice grains that went overboard during the eating process. At the tables edge, an apple core browns; at its opposite, a banana peel blackens.

I’m living alone for the first time and I’m learning to cook. Bean and cheese quesadilla, microwaved to perfection and lathered with taco sauce has always been my specialty, but I’ve always wanted to expand on that and this is clearly my chance. I’ve been working on the fundamentals. I’ve developed two basic pastas, one with smoked salmon and onions, and the other with tomato sauce and onions; the ratio of my oil and vinegar salad dressing is slowly but surely oscillating closer and closer to the golden ratio; now when making my rice, I only need to consult Google once, max twice, for clarification. Poco a poco, they say.

The first thing I did when I moved into my flat was go grocery shopping. In the glory days of my youth, I loved grocery shopping with my mom. It was exhilarating, a rare taste of the wild-world of adulthood. Often, I would veer off, make-believe that I was doing the shopping for a family of my own, that I was the adult. For a few moments, all took on a surreal incandescence and the world expanded around me and I was in command; then something – maybe the sudden burst of the vegetable sprinklers upon my hand – would snap me out of the lull, and I’d remember that my real familial duty was to make sure mom got the right flavor of Goldfish.

As the doors of Mercadona parted before me, I laughed as I reminisced of this more innocent time. High school was done; now I was in Granada, the real world. I was an adult.

The carts at Mercadona are chained together, and in order to take one, you need to put a euro into a slot. Of course, when you return the cart, you get your euro back, but I didn’t know that and thought it a shameless and gratuitous money-grab by the Mercadona ownership. “Baloney!” I thought, and in a solitary gesture of rebellion, I instead took a basket to carry my months’ worth of food.

I didn’t have a list, but I got the things that I figured normal adults get. Oil, garlic, candles (I wasn’t content with my flat’s feng shui), that type of thing

Not wanting to only buy the “cheap stuff” and thus set a sorry precedent in my initial foray into real life, I instead opted for the middle-priced brands. I got almost no pre-prepared food, nothing even in a can. Everything was fresh and middle-high end. “You are what you eat,” I thought.

Three grocery bags to an arm, I strolled up the hill into the Albaycin, the old town where I live. There was not a single piece of dog shit on the cobblestone, and the cool mountain air whispered through the Darro valley below.

The kitchen in which the magic happens is illuminated by a single uncovered stale-white light bulb. There is an electric stove with two burners, placed just close enough together that it’s only possible to use one at a time. There is also a sink and an eight by eight inch area in which I cut and stir. I don’t like to do the dishes, so usually I have a couple days’ worth of crusty food and greasy plates stacked about as well.

At first I kept matters simple. Day one: basic pasta. Day two: chicken and rice. But these felt childish, immature, reminiscent of the youth I once was, and not befitting of the adult I had become. Day three, I got serious. My ambitions unfurled.

As a rule, Spanish food is quite mediocre. However, Pilar, the mother in the host family with which I lived my first month in Granada – she made some of the dank-a-dank.

My favorite dish of Pilar’s is called tortilla de patatas; it’s essentially a big pie of eggs and potatoes and whatever else you might want to throw in. She’d shown me her techniques, so I had an idea of the process, but now the training wheels were off.

In the first attempt, I made a rash judgment as to the status of the eggs, so when the crucial moment came – the flip of the pie – a molten liquid mush flew from the pan, to my wrist, to the burner, where I could only watch as it sizzled to the plump consistency for which the recipe originally called.

For my second effort a few nights later, I over-compensated, leaving the eggs on the burner too long, and again it was during the flip when all went awry; they stuck to the pan and smoldered, choking the kitchen with smoke. The next morning, my friendly Australian neighbor Susan asked me if I’d smelled something funny the night before. “A short circuit in this old Spanish wiring,” she supposed.

Recently, finally, third try, my tortilla de patatas landed intact onto my plate. A bonafide adult, I enjoyed it with steamed asparagus and a couple glasses of the La Atalaya that Susan left to me. If I’ve retained anything from her teachings, I would say it was a middle-palate wine with a Galician terroir. For the hors d’oeuvre, I had freshly baked bread and a garlic oil vinaigrette in which to dip it. For dessert, I had chocolate pudding. The next day, emboldened by my triumph, I thought I’d do something “out there” for lunch. I checked my All Recipes app for ideas, and sure enough, the very first meal on the day’s front-page beckoned. Even through the scratches on the iPhone screen, the honey-glazed carrots sparkled like a summertime lake.

It struck me as the type of thing only an exceptionally mature person would make for lunch. It sounded sexy too. “If I can make honey-glazed carrots that look like that,” I thought, “its game over for the chicas.”

I steamed my carrots; I melted my butter; I mixed my honey and lemon. I cut and I poured and I stirred and I watched and slowly, slowly, steadily, the glaze, the wonderful glaze, it claimed my carrots. There they were, sizzling away, wind through a forest of oaks. Just as it began to seem as though the carrots were themselves producing the light of which they merely reflected, that some kind of fission was taking place deep within their core, the mid-afternoon Granadine sun did pour forth through my windows and onto the table at which I would enjoy my creation. I scooped the carrots onto my plate, and walked them into to the light. Their glow intensified still. A pure, uncut pride enveloped me as I grasped my fork and stabbed this validation of my profound competence as a human being in this world, my maturity, my undeniable adulthood.

Then the sprinklers turned on.

Not even the most youthful of imaginations would be able to reconcile this urgent message of my senses with what my mind had been feeling just moments before. Empirical reality ain’t got time for make-believe.

My honey-glazed carrots were not the worst thing I’d ever eaten. The taste was somewhere between a fermented grape and candied yam caked in salt. I had two bites, and tried to convince myself that there were redeeming qualities yet, but when my body literally would not permit a third, I knew I was only kidding myself. I slumped down in my chair; I pushed my honey glazed carrots away in disgust; I got up to make myself a sandwich.

Three days later, appearance is now somewhat more aligned with reality. The carrots have shriveled and lost their shine; they look like apricots except with a more potent orange, like the color of a traffic cone. They are still soggy to the touch; they feel a lot like how I’d imagine an ear drum would.

I’m not sure why I haven’t thrown them away yet. They don’t smell bad or anything, but I’m pretty sure I’m not going to eat them, and I don’t think they’d impress a chica to the degree that I’d initially hoped. Perhaps it’s my heroic aversion to wastefulness; perhaps it’s that for a brief moment, I saw in their concept an idealized vision of my future self; perhaps it’s because my trash can is already overflowing and I’m too lazy to empty it.

Maybe I’m not yet ready for honey glazed carrots. That’s fine by me; I suppose you can’t rush the learning process. For now, it’s to the Pescaderia, where I’ll spend five minutes angrily insisting that I’m saying salmon, and not jamon; then it’s back through the Albaycin, where I’ll step in dog shit while admiring the first-snow atop the soft peaks of the Sierra Nevada; then it’s to the kitchen, where I’ll clean up the old dishes, put on some Govi, and set to work, imagination gone wild, determined to cut my garlic finer than ever; then it’s to the table, where I´ll take a bite, and the memories of mom’s mashed potatoes will boil up and spill over like my pasta always does, and I’ll wonder why I’d ever wanted to make anything more than a bean and cheese quesadilla, microwaved to perfection and lathered with taco sauce.

The Action Bronson Diaries: Epicurus the Homie

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life

Nov 20, 2013


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Laid back, eating smoked veal – Action Bronson

Action Bronson does this thing at his shows where he invites a girl up on stage, throws her over his shoulder like a mink coat, and keeps on rapping without missing a beat. A couple weeks ago, a story came out that he invited some 17-year old girl up on stage at a show, threw her over his shoulder like a mink coat, and dropped her on her head and paralyzed her.

It all turned out to be fabricated, but for a few days everyone thought it was true. After that got cleared up, I kept thinking about the moment before he allegedly dropped her on her head, and how stoked the two of them must have been at the time. He was living his dream, probably, of literally objectifying a woman as thousands cheered him on. She was getting quite a thrill herself, probably, becoming the life of the party all of the sudden, draped over the shoulder of the fattest rapper alive as thousands cheered her on.

——————–

Recently, a friend posted a Facebook link to his food blog, called “Gustatory Epicureanism”. Epicureanism! I did not know what it meant, but I knew instinctively that it belonged in my word bank. Not unlike a third-grader sprinting home from the bus stop, his bladder a ticking time bomb, I raced to Google Docs, found the starred file ‘Word Bank’, and stowed it safely there, never to be forgotten. Epicureanism.

I’m a pretty huge fan of my word bank. Everyone should have a word bank. You should have a word bank. It’s easy. And fun! Here are a few from mine to get you started: Perambulate. Titillate. Whet. Loins. Etc. You get the idea.

Some words are just fucking awesome. I didn’t know what Epicureanism meant. But I could tell, it had steez. It just emanated this ineffable steez. The way it hit the eardrum. The way it rolled off the tongue. The way it formed a unique geography on the page. Epicureanism.

The best words are poems. The best words are songs. The best words are portals into other galaxies. When used at such an angle, perhaps in conjunction with an unexpected turn of phrase, the best words set off fireworks. With the best words, the abstract sensory experience aligns seamlessly with the definition, almost like an onomatopoeia.

According to Wikipedia, Epicureanism is a philosophical system formed in the days of the Roman Republic by a dude named Epicurus. Pleasure is the greatest good, he said, in that great wise voice of his. Go forth and seek pleasure, but not out of desire. Find tranquility in moderation. Do not fear the gods, he said. Do not fear death.

It’s like you’re a squirrel and you come across a rather handsome walnut. You can’t say for certain whether or not this nut will nourish you. You just know in your heart of hearts that you ought to stash it away for later. It’s just lying there, all dusty and effervescent. Soon, before you know it, you’re sitting on 175 of the finest nuts you’ve ever seen. And the best part is, YOU are the supreme ruler of your nut kingdom. They’re not just anybody’s nuts. They are YOUR nuts, even when your body has turned to dust, when the last stone vestige of civilization has crumbled into the sea.

—————–

About a month ago, before my lifestyle took a turn for the Epicurean, before Action Bronson allegedly dropped anyone on their head, I attended a Halloween party in a half-assed Action Bronson costume, in which I dyed a big pirate beard with water-soluble orange hairspray and wore my prized 3XL shirt. “THA REASON RECORDS: WHAT IT IS,” the shirt said.

A gaggle of older females dominated the party. Most of them were engaged, and didn’t have the slightest idea who Action Bronson was. Over in the corner of the living room stood a dude dressed to the nines with a voluminous white beard and tall hat, his face obscured by thick, wrinkly makeup.

I nudged my friend Manter. “Who do you think he’s dressed up as?”

“She. It’s a girl,” Manter said, and he left to apply his cat facepaint in the bathroom.

Intrigued, I went over to test Manter’s theory.

He was correct. The person of interest was in fact a girl. She was dressed as Charles Darwin. I forget her name now, somehow. She spoke gently, with a vague accent, though her English was immaculate. I asked her where she was from. Albania, she said. This nearly made me cry with joy, because Action Bronson was Albanian! She nodded sagely and played with my beard.

Even in the US, it always seems to be the Europeans that come up with the most creative costumes. I guess when you learn a second language, you are forced to give up the notion that you and your people are at the center of the universe. You expand your mind, and the world seems wondrous again. You gain the capacity to converse on end with anyone, even a simple jack like myself, as well as the ability to dress up in a totally kick-ass, unsexy Halloween costume.

Which of course only made her hotter. Her whole face was deformed, except for her eyes. Long lashes and big shining green orbs wide with awe, straight out of a Japanese manga.

We chatted onward for an hour, maybe more. I, Action Bronson, the charming rogue, she, Charles Darwin, the intrepid natural historian. We, brought together by fate. We, united by our beards, but also by the view that life can be reduced to the struggle for survival in a cold, indifferent mother nature, the singular goal to pass along our genes like our ancestors had before us ever since they were single-celled amoeba, the belief that if there is one thing worth consecrating, it is procreation, and its requisite act, coitus.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, that one guy with level 150 zombie makeup came over and eskimo kissed her arm and smooched her gnarled cheek. My heart crumpled into a sorry heap on the floor. She introduced the two of us. He was her husband from Albania. He smiled broadly as we shook hands. We exchanged niceties for a few minutes, but that was all I could handle. The worst part was, he was super cool. He LOVED Action Bronson!

Distraught, I joined Manter on the couch. The gaggle of older females staged a coup of the iPod and led off a streak of putrid song selection with Party in the USA. As they danced the night away, Manter and I sat there and debated the merits of the big butt, for which Manter expressed zero affection whatsoever. “Flapjacks for life,” he said.

Soon it was time to leave. I bade Albania girl adieu. She gave me a big hug. On my way out I tapped the host of the party on the shoulder. “How do you know Albania girl?” I asked.

She shrugged. “No idea. She just showed up.”

———–

As we speak, my word bank is tucked away up in the Cloud. I used to think the Cloud was corny and strictly for moms who couldn’t deal with an external hard drive. Now I am all about the Cloud. I am a proud mom. The Cloud is omnipresent. It is everywhere. It is at the subway stop. It is at Trader Joe’s. It is in Bangkok. With the Cloud at my side, I am practically immortal.

I hate to be a hoarder. Things that might be useful later for posterity — awesome T-shirts, essays from college — I pick them up and tomahawk slam them in the trash. This word bank, which I started a couple years ago, appears to be something worth keeping. It’s something I’ve cultivated and curated over time, it’s a vehicle for discovery. It’s a part of who I am.

Me and Albania girl, we had a rip-roaring good time, but a lot of it was in my head. She was one of a kind. I still think about her. It’s hard to say where reality stopped and fantasy started.

It is true that the arrival of her husband made me temporarily depressed, but I’m glad that I met her, because now I know I’m not some nihilist. It’s good to be open to loss, and bear its pain, in order to rise again.

The Latham Olympiad

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life Sports

Nov 04, 2013


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Day breaks hot and heavy in the Berkshires in August. Danger hangs over me like felt curtain. I lie on my back, eyes wide open. I see nothing, but hear everything. The hiss of air through bicycle spokes. The pitter-patter of old lady feet on sidewalk.

The crunch of tires on my gravel driveway.

It was Gurney.  Damn. I threw off the sheets and took the stairs three at a time. Tanabe and Ghosh were already sitting on the soft shabby couch. I joined them. We sat together, three residents of the yellow house on Latham Street.

The front door swung wide. In strode Gurney, he of the broad shoulders, band-iron arms, and clear blue eyes. A BB gun slung easily across his back. He turned to us. “You ready?”

I hesitated to respond. What could I say, after all? My entire life – 22 long years of manly sturm und drang – led directly to this moment. Was I ready? Hell no. But truly, are any of us ready when the white-hot sun bleaches away our pretense and scalds us to blindness? It did not matter. Today my chums and I would shake our fists at the sun and at each other. So I met Gurney’s gaze and offered up a solemn nod.

It was written then. There would be a People’s Olympiad. The Latham Olympiad.

Gurney returned my nod, nodding and smiling fiendishly and rubbing his palms together. He squeezed in on the couch amongst us. We shot the shit, chatted for a bit. Piled into Gurney’s Camry, rolled to Dunkin for fuel. Sausage, egg, and cheese in a biscuit – with its balance of carbohydrates, fat, and protein, a prerequisite for any respectable athletic performance.

The Dunkin sandwiches combined with the natural fragrance of Gurney’s Camry made for near-toxic levels of methane on the ride back to Latham. Nevertheless, morale was high, because each one of us believed victory, the goddess Nike incarnated in the form of a Maxim supermodel, would crown us at weekend’s end.

Tanabe was a superb athlete, probably the most dynamic of us four, though 35 pounds above his college wrestling weight. He believed he would win.

Gurney rested on his Anglo-Saxon laurels, he the heir of Hastings. He believed he would win.

Ghosh was a capricious fellow, a thoughtful, absent-minded English major one minute, a prolific, ungifted trash-talker the next. He was a longshot for the gold, although susceptible to occasional strokes of brilliance on the pick-up soccer pitch, and it was these sorts of moments on which his ego idled. He believed he would win.

I believed I would win because, I reasoned, that was the only way I could win. My fundamentals were sound, my hand-eye coordination keen, but my internal motor was unreliable, my outlook on life too Zen. If I truly craved victory – and I hoped that I did – I would have to measure my will not against itself but against my competitors. I dared not underestimate them. The battle would be fierce.

We pulled onto the gravel driveway and piled out. Time for business. We busted out the tape and scale and chose to each represent the country of our ancestors. It went something like this:

Tanabe — 5’4” / 168 / Japan.

Gurney — 5’9 / 175 / United Kingdom.

Ghosh — 5’6” / 130 / India.

Me — 6’ / 151 / Netherlands.

We suited up. We toasted to our camaraderie. We prostrated ourselves to the Supreme Being. We lit the flame.

The Latham Olympiad had begun.

DAY ONE

Why did the ancient Greeks hold the Olympiad? Why every four years did competitors flock to Olympia from as far as Macedon, seeking victory? I suppose they aspired to test the limits of the human body, to blur the line between human and god and perhaps to become heroes in Olympic lore. But victory would do more than earn them adulation or even eternal glory. Victory would affirm their self-worth. It would affirm the inherent goodness of their body and their will.

Javelin

Tanabe unsheathed his trusty blade and fashioned a javelin from a fallen tree branch in the backyard. It took an hour for us to get out the door. Ghosh was to blame. Eventually we made it down to the rugby pitch, the blades of grass arced in unison like sunflowers.

Four throws each. Tanabe seemed to have an intuitive understanding of trajectory, such that his throws traveled higher, farther, and even came to a satisfying end with the nose of the javelin embedded in the ground. He was a man among boys. I finished last. I was in fact battling a feisty case of the sniffles that day. But, no excuses, heart of a champion. I needed to rise above.

I peeled my shirt off and the wind descended into the valley between my pecs. I had put on a few pounds of muscle that summer working the hiking trails around town. It was true, I was the most jacked I had ever been.

Field Goal Challenge

I used to go to the nearby football field with my pop and brother to boot field goals.

In one of my fantasies about the past, I hit the squats the summer before sophomore year of high school and win the starting kicking job on the football team. We are not the best team, but in this particular game we are down two points to our rival in the waning seconds, with the ball in field goal territory. Coach takes our last timeout with three seconds left. The sky is pitch black, save for the full moon. The stadium rises to its feet. Droves of females scream at the top of their lungs. Coach pats me on the butt, I trot out under the lights, line up and nail a 43-yarder as time expires.

Three kicks each per round, each round the spot moves a few yards back. To no one’s surprise, Tanabe went shank city in the first round. Ghosh often fancied himself a regular Aguero but he soon joined Tanabe in shank city. And there I was, every kick splitting the uprights as sure as every summer the monsoon breathes life into the parched peaks of the Western Ghats. And though my success in the event was predetermined, and though the event was only a formality to weed out the reprobates, I welled with schaudenfreude when Gurney emitted a tormented cry as his last attempt thudded into the left upright and fell limp to the grass below.

Sprint Challenge

Three heats each, from midfield to the try line, then a final 100-meter showdown between the top two contestants. I averaged 5.71, followed by Ghosh at 5.98. Ghosh vs. Me, it would be. Meanwhile, Tanabe’s times wallowed in the 6.6 range. We were curious and looked back at the tape. Each heat he got off to a respectable start, but always appeared to reach top speed around twenty meters in, as if at that instant a parachute deployed from an invisible backpack.

Ghosh talked mess on the car ride up to the track. Claimed I’d been jumping the gun in the prelims. The truth was, I’d learned the key to a fast start by watching my favorite Olympian of all-time, the great Texan sprinter Michael Johnson. In the first ten meters he would keep his head down and take quick choppy strides to generate food speed, so that before long his gold shoes would be one circular blur.

High school cross-country girl runners took their warm-up laps as we sauntered towards the starting line, and the sexual tension was through the roof. Spurred by their presence, Ghosh got off to a brilliant start and edged me in 13.1 seconds. His triumph validated his mess-talk, the dorkiness of his victory jig a function of his euphoria.

Beer Mile

Two beers, four laps. The Day One Showcase Event! We made the mistake of buying PBR, which not only tastes fouler than Keystone but also weighs heavier in the stomach. How to fit in the beers among the laps? Gurney chose to crush a beer at the very start. Chucked the can and came around the first turn like Prefontaine. Having not run a proper mile since 8th grade, I was unsure how to pace myself, so I erred on the side of leisure and ended up cruising in second gear the whole race. A post-race look at the tape would reveal that I had dumped out the majority of my first beer onto the infield grass. Gurney would lap me and win easily in 7:30 — a dominating performance.

Full can and half a lap to go. The hot rubber burned holes in my soles. Ghosh ran a few steps ahead. I glanced across the track. Tanabe slowed as he reached the finish line. He cracked a PBR and took one delicate sip.

Suddenly Ghosh burst to life, flying past a peloton of XC girls and into the turn like a rogue caboose. Had he finished both his beers?  Despite the unsavory result of the 100-meter final, I found myself hoping that he had. Tanabe struck a contrapposto pose and nursed his PBR like a glass of scotch. With Ghosh thundering down the backstretch, he finally looked over his shoulder and started to chug. Go, Ghosh, Go!

Ghosh, across the finish line ahead of Tanabe! He raised his arms and assumed the prone position on the infield, rubbing his face in the grass, savoring every blade. Tanabe opted for the supine position, moaning with hands on forehead. Devastated. This gave me solace. What was worse – my honest indolence, or Tanabe’s complacency?

(Dinner)

Tired. We sojourned to Tony’s, the local Mexican spot. Like the Dunkin sandwich, the burrito covers all corners of the nutritional spectrum, but unlike the Dunkin sandwich, the burrito has a great deal of compassion, like a mother’s embrace. It is an end in and of itself, something you can always turn to when all seems wrong in the world.

Day One Standings

Gurney 23

Ghosh 20

Me 15

Tanabe 14

Though Gurney generally strives to the ideal of the Chill Bro, he occasionally lapses into moments of incredible intensity, as he demonstrated in the Beer Mile. Indeed, in college he played rugby, a sport of bloodlust. It conditions its participants to override their physiological impulses, and trains their inner animal like it would any tangible muscle.

And Ghosh. Ghosh!!! Ghosh. His finishing kick in the Beer Mile seemed not aroused by his inner animal, but rather inspired by some divine spirit. The result of the 100-meter final was a bit of a fluke, but now it seemed that it had been, simultaneously, not a fluke. Maybe Ghosh had constructed such a powerful visualization of how the race would transpire that he ran accordingly. To carry out his prophecy. To meet his destiny.

DAY TWO

The ancient Olympiad was held from the 8th century BC until the 4th century AD, when the Roman Emperor Constantine I condemned it a farcical pagan ritual. The modern Olympiad was resurrected in 1896 and has since become one of our civilization’s great spectacles, a platform for displays of sportsmanship, diplomacy, and athletic ability. There was one problem – the odds that one of my friends or I was skilled enough to qualify appeared slim, unless it be for the Paralympiad or the Special Olympiad.

The next morning, Tanabe and I went on a bacon/OJ run. As we ate on the couch, Gurney emerged from his slumber sporting a shiner above his right eye, apparently from an errant piñata swing the night before. Ghosh rested his temple on the bannister as he descended the stairs in his trademark briefs.

Biathlon

The biathlon was developed in 19th century Norway as an exercise for soldiers – they would ski across the Scandinavian taiga, stopping every few kilometers to shoot at designated targets. In our adaptation, we would run across the huge field behind the local high school with Gurney’s BB gun and take down three empty Four Lokos utilizing the three classic combat poses – standing, kneeling, prone. It took me twelve minutes to complete the course, a stressful experience such that I felt my ventricles unclench the moment I crossed the finish line.

It wasn’t all the running that did me in. It was the pressure of time. The crosshairs trembled in the scope, which aimed half a can to the right. I would pull the trigger and open my ears, praying for that cathartic ping, and either the ping came immediately and with it a deluge of dopamine to the head, or it never came but still I prayed that somewhere the latent echo ricocheted blindly, yearning to come home. With every miss, my confidence wavered, and by the transitive property so did my focus, until my brain left the scene entirely for its own self-preservation.

Tanabe clocked a time nearly ten times lower than mine. Didn’t miss a single shot. He clearly had a gift with the BB gun. He was a great cook too – if he wanted he could be a modern day Samwise Gamgee, living off the land with nothing but his pots, knife, rifle, and wits, hunting coneys.

Playground Obstacle Course

The final most daunting section was the traverse across the top bar of the swing set. Tanabe went first, and he shimmied across with style and ease. I went next, dangling halfway across, my triceps engulfed in flames, two little boys below my feet yelling for me to keep going. I lamented my lanky arms. Once, Tanabe mocked me as I labored to finish a set of push-ups. I retorted that he was only good at push-ups because of his T-rex arms, which was cruel but in essence true. He had no comeback but came to me later that night after a few beers, said I had shattered his confidence, and we then had a long talk about the plight of the short Asian man. It made me count my blessings, that I was white and tallish.

I did not finish the traverse across the top bar of the swing set. I dropped to the woodchips and jogged to the finish line. Tanabe’s shrill protests fell on deaf ears.

100-Meter Individual Medley

To the pool! We had planned to pair the IM with a diving competition, but the boards were out of service, leaned against the wall. Alas. My inner Louganis would never see the light of day.

Gurney’s butterfly was in rare form. He put up a 1:51.8. A fabulous time indeed, but Tanabe edged him with a 1:50.6. Ghosh posted an FDR-esque 4:52.0. He was practically catatonic by the time he finished. I managed a 2:32.7, a respectable time, but as I clung to the wall I sympathized with Ghosh. We all agreed on the walk back to Latham Street – this was the most brutal event by far. Though the heavily chlorinated water had saved us from ingesting too much stale urine, it had sapped us of our lifeforce. The Olympic-sized pool, fifty meters long, seemed to stretch into oblivion. But really it would have been better if the race was one length of a hundred-meter pool, with the far wall a final destination, a mecca, rather than a Saharan oasis that ultimately had to be left behind.

Hot Dog Eating Contest

The Day Two Showcase Event, in which we would eat as many hot dogs as possible, but first a siesta. In bed I formulated a strategy. Our event was modeled after the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest held every July 4th on Coney Island, which usually came down to two contestants: the giant Joey Chestnut, and the bantamweight Kobayashi. Kobayashi’s method involved separating the bun and dunking it in a cup of water to reduce its volume. This, I determined, was my path to the crown.

At dusk we surrounded the picnic table, grilled hot dogs stacked to our eyeballs. We had a special guest, Tanabe’s chum Foote who wrestled heavyweight, his hair fashioned into a nimbus of neon green spikes, a nude female tattooed on his bicep. Foote, Chestnut. I, Kobayashi.

The timer started and Foote came out guns blazing, crushing 4 dogs in 2 minutes. The Kobayashi method was indeed effective, but the bun’s aroma steadily worsened, such that as I held the dripping soggy sop in front of my mouth waiting to swallow the one preceding it, four-day old wet poodle wafted into my nostrils, the taste and texture in perfect harmony. The Oscar Meyers, too, suffered, once bodacious and grilled to perfection, they now showed their true colors, pasty pink tubes of centrifuged preservatives and meat slurry. The key was to treat it not as eating but as exercise, focusing on the up-down of the molars, one set of 50, and then another. In the end, it turned out to be a faithful recreation of the Nathan’s Famous Contest. Foote, Chestnut, beat me. But I, Kobayashi, beat everybody else.

Day Two Standings

Tanabe 42

Gurney 39

Ghosh 30

Me 30

There would be only one event on Day Three: Me v. Ghosh for the bronze. A wrestling match. Wrestling, we figured, was appropriate, the favored sport of the ancient Greek gymnasiums.

But this day belonged to Tanabe, who took gold on the back of a stunning Day Two surge. In truth, the difference between him and Gurney was but a second and a half in the pool or three-quarters of a hot dog. But history would not remember these details, only that in the Latham Olympiad, there was one athlete who stood above the others, and he was Tanabe.

Tanabe often talks about this axiom of wrestling called kaizen, the self-discipline required to affect continuous positive change. Kaizen requires a value system in which hedonism is the cardinal sin. It requires one take a serious approach to each day, to see the world via tunnel vision. If Japan and the US ever go to war, says Tanabe, he borne of DC, he will go and enlist for the Japanese army.

Foote conducted the medal ceremony. He summoned us from the couch to claim our ribbons. Ghosh and I, then Gurney, then Tanabe. When Tanabe was solemn when he accepted his first place ribbon, and I knew that this wasn’t that he didn’t care. It was that he cared too much.

DAY THREE

Why can we moderns – we young acolytes of the ancient ways – not hold our own Olympiad? That is the question that the yellow house on Latham Street dared to ask. We wished to break the quotidian cycle, to inject a sense of glory into our lives. We wished to be Olympians ourselves, and in the process pay homage to the noble classical spirit of the ancient Olympiad that the modern version had perhaps forgotten.

The Wrestle for Bronze

We would do battle in the nearby park, first to three takedowns. On the way I grilled Tanabe for fundamentals. Stay low, he said. Drive with the hips. Elbows in. Kaizen.

But when the bell rang, instinct took over. Ghosh was slippery, and worse, feisty. We were but two apes vying for alpha position. Who was more suave with the ladies did not matter – this here, somehow, was all that mattered.

Ghosh took a quick 2-0 lead, but in the third round I found myself lying on top of him deciding what to do next, the fog of exhaustion clouding the neural pathways in my frontal cortex. Ghosh suddenly grabbed my arm and bent it back at an unnatural angle, freeing him, and we somersaulted backwards and came to a rest with his hands pressing my shoulder blades against the cool grass. The buzzer had sounded. Fin. I felt not so much the agony of defeat but instead the sense of absolute finality, that I had come down to Earth.

***

I lie in bed now. The Latham Olympiad is over. Gurney left immediately after the wrestling match, took his BB gun and Camry back to Connecticut to paint his house with his pop. Now it is three again in the yellow house on Latham Street. I wonder if Ghosh and Tanabe are still awake, thinking back on the weekend. I am nostalgic already, for the good times that were had, and for what could have been. Nostalgic for the loss of any conception of time except for the present, where my chums stood at my side, where our Olympiad was indistinguishable from that of the ancient Greeks. Where I could see clearly the vision of who I wanted to be, the ideal estimation of myself, and that, for my all commendable qualities, I was not him.

Modern ‘Art’ Music and its Indie Compatriots

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Adam J. Strawbridge

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MP00 Music

Oct 11, 2013


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As anyone who has suffered through a 20th century music history class is aware, ‘Art Music’, or modern classical music, is not the type of playlist you want to blast on Friday night, or at the gym, or on a road trip – pretty much anywhere except maybe an opium den, or an elitist prison. When hearing for the first time the strange and alienating sounds so beloved by modern composers, most people react with asking: Why? Why was this music, so deliberately unrelatable and even offensive, composed and performed? Answering these questions is out of the scope of this article (and there aren’t always good answers), but I will say that ultimately, all that modern and contemporary composers are attempting in their work is to find new and exciting techniques to make sound have an emotional and resonating effect on a human. Sometimes this means placing paperclips on the coils in a piano and rearranging the structural elements of a sonata. Other times this means throwing sticks onto a grid in the dirt and letting the music follow from that. It’s not always good, it’s not always successful, and it’s not always really innovative. But against this general sentiment of ‘Why’, today’s composers ask, ‘why not?’

These composers, however, are not alone in the struggle. What’s fascinating about the development of popular music in this decade is that these composers, stuck so firmly in the ‘weird’ end of the music spectrum, are receiving unsolicited help in their efforts from the garage-band, amateur-turned-headliner music makers enjoying the limelight of music festivals and avid fans. Electronic music, dubstep, and indie rap are actually rife with the techniques and sounds pushed by composers from the 1950’s on. Chances are, if you’re listening to Aphex Twin, XXYYXX, Odd Future, or Danny Brown, you’re embracing the sort of musical idioms and strategies that you would hear coming from a sparsely attended quartet premier in the basement of a university Music department. Here is a brief survey of how, against your knowledge or even will, Arnold Schoenberg and his avant-garde cronies are changing the way you hear music:

Drop the Key

Probably the most significant development of music in the 20th century was the abandonment of keys and the birth of ‘atonality’. This leads to a lot of 20th century music sounding very alienating and disorienting, especially to listeners expecting the sort of harmonies used by Mozart and Beethoven. But atonality is in fact not unique to ‘Art Music’: it features pretty prominently in, weirdly enough, electronica, dubstep and rap. But maybe it’s not so weird: I think these genres are actually perfect for progressive treatment of tonality because they offer listeners other things to focus on rather than pitch, freeing up the artists to do some funky things tonally. Dubstep offers us in those classic breakdown sections an assault of crunchy, mechanical sonorities that are so immersive in themselves we don’t listen in for a tonal center the way we would with a Justine Timberlake chorus – we focus instead on the development of these sonorities themselves, the same way John Cage wanted us to focus on the interesting sounds of his modified piano, not the pitches being played. Rap is even more conducive for atonality. The pitch system of a rapper’s verse doesn’t correspond to the notes of a scale in the first place – the human voice has its own, more limited and idiosyncratic range. So we don’t find it so alienating and out of place when the beat and the bass go off to explore atonal territory.

Some artists just dip their toes in the water, the way my favorite composer Olivier Messiaen did in the 1950s. The electronic texture of “About You” (XXYYXX) and the grimy beat of “Hive” (Earl Sweatshirt) both are (technically) tonal but are so ambiguous that it took me, despite four semesters of music theory, a half hour to figure out how the pitches in both operate (they both create ‘bicentric’ chords, drawing the listener to expect two different yet simultaneous resolutions, if you’re dying to know). The wubwubwub breakdown of “Equinox” (Skrillex) is complemented by a tonal melody, but presents phrases of wubs without any tonal grounding, with only the texture of the sound to focus on. Other artists plunge into the strange headfirst: “I Will” (Danny Brown) presents a ‘soundscape’ which never truly lets the listener center themselves on a single pitch, thanks to a weird harmonic texture leaping all over the chromatic scale.  “Snow White” (Hodgy Beats feat. Frank Ocean) is, like much late 20th century music, constructed out of deliberately disorienting intervals and sonorities to disrupt whatever tonal center you much think you can hold on to. The song is a snow-storm of pitch and rhythm, with only Hodgy Beat’s angsty verse and Frank Ocean’s smooth voice to guide you through.

Weird Meter

Another big development that crosses genres from the haute to the underground is the effort to stretch, bend or defy conventions of meter and rhythm in music. For 20th century composers this meant new time signatures, reorganized musical structures, or even abandoning meter altogether. Doing so, abandoning the metrical conventions of contemporary music, makes demands on the artist to keep the music interesting and engaging enough for the listener to stay committed throughout. This is a challenge that again the avant-garde of electronica and rap have taken up well.

Dubstep and EDM are pioneers of a new musical structure, best characterized by the drop. For so long the landscape of popular music was dominated by essentially one structural form with minimal variation: Introduction, chorus, verse, chorus, verse, bridge, chorus, maybe a coda with a key change if the producer was feeling adventurous. Dubstep musicians (and some electronic artists) broke out of this mold boldly with a form that focuses not on a chorus but on a musically sophisticated structure based on tension and resolution, two staples of the modern composer’s toolbox. ‘The Drop’ of a dubstep song represents the culmination of a long and hopefully smoothly constructed buildup of dissonance and rhythmic acceleration (tension) leading to a climactic moment when for a second sound stops, to be dominated subsequently by an ear-filling torrent of sound, back in the initial meter and lush with consonance (resolution). Despite presenting such a climax early in the song, many dubstep songs stay interesting thanks to a structure that maintains this exciting tension-resolution pattern.

The New Sonorities

Probably the most ubiquitous development in hip hop and electronica that mirrors the developments of Art Music is one which has been latent throughout this article: the focus and prioritization of new sounds and textures. The flexible and amped voice of Kendrick Lamar, the funky hard-to-place metallic chants of Gold Panda, and of course those delicious wubwubwubs of Dubstep all around have listeners eager to consume new sounds, excited to ‘enter new sound worlds’, to phrase it as a music theorist, a dream long held by modern composers.  These trends of course started way back – the Beatles experimented with South Asian music just decades after John Cage and his colleagues began incorporating Indian and Indonesian instruments and traditions into their works. The progressive and enveloping rock of The Dark Side of the Moon came just off the cusp of composers in the 60’s eschewing standard concert set ups and creating pieces for an orchestra seated around a circular room to create a fully immersive ‘sound world’ experience. And it continues strong to this day: Danny Brown’s new album Old presents a rapper who’s own voice becomes as versatile and pitched as a violin. Leaping up and down lines, bouncing off the beats with a succinct percussive sense and building intensity like a Coltrane solo, Danny Brown proves himself, like many of his peers (El-P, Killer Mike and Kool A.D.) to be ahead of the game musically – we don’t even have notation capable of capturing the musical intricacies of these verses. Listening to Danny Brown rap is akin to entering a hectic, new sonic environment, full of interesting new sonorities, colors and timbers to engage with.

This isn’t to say I’m about to burn my College’s pianos to the ground, dump my scores in the river and preach the musical virtue of avant-garde hip hop and electronica to my teachers. There is, I believe, always a time and a place for each kind of music, and though it may be relegated to the obscure and snobby, I still love the weird, pioneering and daring techniques modern composers of Art Music take to make innovative and challenging music. But I also love how this has influenced the world over in unexpected ways. Even when I’m head-bobbing in a grungy basement to that crunchy, dirty new single, I’m thanking that old homie Arnold Schoenberg and all his disciples for, in the face of all the obstacles, having the balls to ask “why not?” It’s paid off in ways he nor anyway could have imagined: a world of new and exciting music, across the spectrum.

 

Snarky Puppy, Hybrid Theory

by

Danny Schwartz

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MP00 Music

Oct 09, 2013


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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apxBAqgSrSw

It all started one evening in 2011, on a recommendation from Jonny Mo the stoned bassist in the back of jazz ensemble rehearsal. Snarky Puppy, he said sagely. Check em out. So later that night I googled Snarky Puppy and clicked on the first hit, a song called ‘Flood’. It started simply enough, in a recording studio with a dorkish-looking fellow standing at a keyboard, bopping his head to the beat as he plunked out the melody in some obscure time signature. The drums and bass entered the fray, and then the horns, then the keyboards, then the guitars, then the strings. And then, as someone let off a pressure valve, the groove dissolved and one of the guitarists embarked on a hypnotic new melody in some other obscure time signature. It was an unexpected but appetizing change of pace. The guitarist’s spiderlike fingers, the latent energy of a nine-minute video with seven minutes to go.

It went like this for a while, tension and release. The stakes rose, slowly, until a moment came when the song indisputably arrived. The horns took their line up an octave and the organ screamed and the drummer unleashed his mighty wrath upon his kit. It truly seemed to be the musical manifestation of a flood, as if all this time the water had been brooding behind the dam, and then the dam burst and the water poured forth, emancipated, crashing onto the rocks below.

Impressed as I was, Snarky Puppy fell off my radar and didn’t reappear for a year or so, until they released a new album called groundUp. Each song on groundUp was tight, bound by lean arrangements and the rhythm section’s magnetic groove. Each song had a distinct narrative arc, conducting two or three main ideas across various textures and instrumentations, always culminating with the entire band playing something greater than its component parts. Each song was a thriller in the end by virtue of its humble beginnings.

groundUp runs deep but the highlight is without a doubt ‘Thing of Gold’. There was a time when I watched ‘Thing of Gold’ on a daily basis for six weeks, maybe longer, primarily because of the solo Shaun Martin delivers at the end on Moog synth. The chord progression essentially rises in whole steps, and his solo triggers a series of key changes that also rises in whole steps. So there is an austere, mathematical sort of beauty in place, and it is in this context that Shaun Martin, toothpick akimbo, takes flight in ineffable improvisation.

How to categorize Snarky Puppy? They borrow elements from all types of music, particularly jazz, rock, and funk. They tend to defy genre. I guess you’d call that amorphous style ‘fusion’, but fusion is a vague and boring term. One of the properties shared by most Snarky Puppy songs is the interplay of major and minor — it happens in ‘Flood’ and ‘Thing of Gold’ for example, and they even called a song on groundUp ‘Minjor’. The interplay of major and minor is one of the fundamental tenets of the blues, and I prefer to think of them as a sort of hypermodern blues band. It may be a vague term, but at least it’s more thought-provoking than fusion.

Here’s the weird thing though– as much as I listen to groundUp, I’ve never downloaded it. I don’t have any Snarky Puppy songs on my iTunes. I just go to YouTube and watch their videos. Of the eight songs on groundUp, seven are on YouTube, and unlike with ‘Flood’, their videos are gorgeous, shot in HD with soft turquoise light cast around the perimeter of the room onto brick walls painted white. A small headphone’d audience sits in the middle, surrounded by the band. The band is even bigger this time, 21 people. This is it — this is them recording the album. Several cameras shoot from various angles, which is disorienting, so you never really figure out how the band members are positioned in relation to each other — you just know they are there.

The visual component of Snarky Puppy’s music is crucial to their visibility and popularity. They are not signed to a big label. They are independent, doing it all by themselves. Look at Macklemore, another independent artist. He blew up for one big reason: his videos, which are creative, fun to watch, and beautifully shot and color edited thanks to the genius of Ryan Lewis. In 12 months, the ‘Thrift Shop’ video has garnered 400 million views on YouTube. In 18 months, the ‘Thing of Gold’ video has garnered 600,000 views, a number that pales in comparison to Macklemore but is nevertheless significant.

Live music experiences these days are often compressed into mega-festivals like Coachella and EDM raves like Electric Zoo. Throw in uTorrent, and it seems as though it is harder than ever for mid-level musicians like Snarky Puppy to thrive. But in fact, the opposite is true. Snarky Puppy has a powerful weapon: YouTube. YouTube has become one of the main channels through which people consume music. Search any song, it’s probably there. I would go so far as to say that YouTube has also become the best way to consume music, period, because it inherently provides that visual component that greatly enhances the quality of the music itself.

My favorite college professor Michael J. Lewis always liked to say, “good writing happens when the emotional and the intellectual overlap, causing the words to vibrate.” To drive the point home he would place one hand on top of the other, like the awkward turtle sign, and give the turtle a few vigorous shakes. Professor Lewis’s words of wisdom closely mirror Snarky Puppy’s motto: “music for the booty and brain.” Snarky Puppy’s music is enjoyable from an intellectual perspective, but doesn’t truly vibrate until you watch their videos and see their actual, physical booties in motion. Watching the band play gives you a more intimate relationship with them, but just as importantly it gives you access to the intimacy within the band. You unlock their synergy. When a recording gets mixed, there is a vacuum effect, as if the mix sucks out all the air and leaves the finished product tighter. When Snarky Puppy introduces the visual component, they restore much of the energy lost in the mix via the physical energy of the band, spurred on in part by the presence of the small audience. Their videos are more than recordings — they are performances.

Two of my favorite DVDS are concert films. AC/DC, Live in Donington 1991, and Bruce Springsteen, Live in Barcelona 2002. The music itself is great. What’s even better is the shot of the fanatic horde jumping around and singing along. The shot of 5’2” Angus Young opening the show by playing the ‘Thunderstruck’ riff and duck-walking his way across the stage in his maroon suit and shorts. The shot of Bruce Springsteen and Stevie Van Zandt, belting ‘Dancing in the Dark’ into the same mic two hours into the show, their shirts drenched in sweat, their old man lips inches apart. It’s a pretty homoerotic image, but then again, it’s not homoerotic at all. It’s just music.

The image that sticks with me most from Snarky Puppy videos is Michael League, the frizzy-haired bassist. Snarky Puppy has world-class soloists — Shaun Martin, Cory Henry on organ, Sput Searight on drums — but League is the heart of the band. He is the mastermind, the producer, the author and arranger. Whenever the camera cuts in his direction, his face is either fixed in a warm, cherubic smile or convulsed in an unmistakable O-face. His ecstasy is even more apparent in the way he assumes awkward, unforeseeable postures with the rest of his gangly body. He looks silly, but that’s how you know he’s feeling it. His id gangsta leans with the best of them. There is no pretense with him, and his passion naturally bubbles to the surface so that he is more nimbus than flesh. Michael League is pure. Michael League is love.

***

In 4th grade, all I knew was Eiffel 65, Aaron Carter, and Lou Bega. Until I unwrapped Hybrid Theory by Linkin Park, popped it in the CD player, and learned the true meaning of rock. Hybrid Theory sucked me through a vortex. It opened up an entire universe I hadn’t known existed, or could exist. Its appeal was not unlike that of Pokemon Red or Redwall.

Those were the days. Since then it has become much harder for a piece of music, or anything, to come along and alter my perception of the limits of human possibility. That increasingly elusive sensation is only attainable via something radical. I suppose that’s the appeal of dubstep or Hannah Montana all of the sudden porning it up.

Consuming music these days lends itself more to eclecticism than devotion to a single group, and I am almost ashamed to say that I have found a favorite band, but I suppose Snarky Puppy fits the bill. They have taken me on journeys. They have taken me to the Lonely Mountain and back again. They expertly straddle the line between the intellectual and the emotional. The brain-bending and the booty-quaking. The awkward turtle-shaking.

Snarky Puppy recently released an album called Family Dinner, with each song featuring a different guest singer. The majority of the songs have been posted on YouTube as recording sessions filmed in HD, in the groundUp video style. As I watched these videos, I was blown away by the singers but found myself wanting them to go away. League arranged the songs with the intent of showcasing the singers and nothing more. If Family Dinner was an economic market, it would be riddled with inefficiencies. It was conceived in the spirit of collaboration, sure, but the end result, however unflawed, left a lot on the table. That is, Snarky Puppy’s remarkable imagination, the potential for innovation, to go further and change the definition of what music can be.

Wubs Going On

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MP00 Music

Aug 24, 2013


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Electric Zoo is coming up this week and 90% of the people there will be bobbing around like they drank too much caffeine at the most fun middle school dance in history, but just because everyone at Woodstock was on LSD doesn’t make the cultural legacy of rock and roll any less significant.  For north of $100 a day to attend a modern EDM mega festival cum super rave, the music must offer something.

The uninitiated to these phenomena should imagine three hundred consecutive Harlem Shake videos mixed with the party in Zion from the Matrix1.  The whole thing is science fiction.  You can’t quite believe a place like this exists, but the Richter-scale bass is incessantly proving otherwise.  One, two, three, four.  Electronic dance march.

What is free will when you have already bought a ticket?  The realization that you in fact chose to be at this crazy place forces you into the throng.  It’s startling, considering the quasi military setting, that the festivalgoers generally turn out to be spacey optimists, separated from those of previous generations only in their comfort with this particular setting: the cyborg overlords have mandated dancing, and it will be good.

The noises (you can call them instruments) of EDM are central to this fantasy.  One song dictates that the listener “say hello to the robots,” and the music makes good on its promise; the voice is the one it is talking about.  But robots do more than talk: they dance.

The structure of your typical wubby festival EDM is simple2, but the reasoning behind it is very different from that used in other genres.  EDM recognizes and is organized by the tiredness of the listener.  Even the hardiest and most inebriated are hard pressed to boogie nonstop for ten straight hours, so EDM has provided them with the musical equivalent of interval training.  The scale is not quite binary, but it does have a YES setting.

The “drop” resides at the core of this form. Typically, a consonant melody gives way to a tension building and attention grabbing increase in volume and dissonance, upon which repurposed factory noises suddenly erupting in rhythmic orgasm are “dropped”.  The imminence of the pre-drop build up adds a dimension to the futurism of music, constantly reminding the listener that the future is in fact now.  Everyone present been thinking about this show for weeks, and the build up to the drop encapsulates this countdown.

One could make a similar case about the significance of the chorus in rock or pop music, and these events may match the drop in emotional significance, but they surely cannot touch its crowd-pleasing ridiculousness.  A common critique of the genre is that DJs are button pushers who simply press play, but the best modern DJs are button creators.  Their reliance on preparation attests to the intricacy of their music. Someday, live bands will play EDM to greater acclaim, but for now they are mostly unable to play it at all.

The process of sound making innovation through which EDM has developed is similar to that in more canonical existing genres.  Complicated syncopation and novel instrumentation are sought out and favored.   Even if the current style has enduring popularity, it will surely be complimented by a headier post-EDM geared toward participants in the current rave explosion who have slowed down with age or boredom.  Most moms don’t fist bump, and they may want to listen to electronic music that doesn’t tempt them.

Then again, some will.  Electronic dance music, like the generation that has adopted it, is the first of its kind to be “born from the internet.”  Arguments about musical quality aside, no genre that I can name has changed as much through the past 5 years as EDM, and what changes they have wrought have resulted from contact with its dynamism.

To a unique extent, EDM relies on the democratic vote of the Internet to anoint its stars.  At the end of the line is not a mechanical administrator, but a dude on a laptop.  Robots are only used in selection and execution, but they free EDM from the common pop music restraints of stage presence, or physical attractiveness.   Similarly, location and age are no barriers to success.

An EDM festival might then be considered a beachhead of the Internet on Earth.  Someone disseminates their music digitally, and all of a sudden thousands of people physically show up to hear it.  Artists make their livelihood from these shows, not from record sales, so though the Internet may be integral, the music is ultimately powered by people actually getting off their couches.  Why do the majority of people at raves have their hand up in some sort of fist bump/furher salute?  Perhaps because they put away their iPhones.

1  If you are unfamiliar with these things, you can Google them like a raver would

2  Almost always 4/4 time in phrases of length powers of two

Adorno: Critical Theorist or Based God?

by

Adam J. Strawbridge

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MP00 Music

Apr 03, 2013


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Around this time every year, as the weather warms and the burden of spring classes starts to take its toll, the bougie and largely complacent population of my small liberal arts college finds a socially charged catalyst to ignite a campus-wide discussion on “uncomfortable” topics. Don’t take my tone as disparaging – often times, these conversations have promoted crucial, interesting and eye-opening revelations, strengthening our student body as a whole as we learn more about each other, our commonalities and our differences. This year, however, the catalyst and the ensuing debate left much to be desired: after hiring Chance the Rapper for our spring concert, a controversy flared over his use of the word “faggot” in one of his more widely known hits (“Favorite Song”). Again, this isn’t to dismiss the concerns and anxieties of the student body – the college has an obligation to respond to cultural currents and its not unreasonable to expect our entertainment committee to pick a performer that appropriately embodies our mutually shared political and social attitudes. But at the end of the day, as I absorbed the dialogue and reflected on the situation, I couldn’t help feel like it all boiled down to a largely privileged set of undergraduates trying to tell a rapper what he could and could not say.

Rap is often pretty confrontational in nature. The lyrics confront us, the beat confronts us, and if the rapper’s anyone worth listening to, the flow and energy confront us, too. This is what excites me so much about my favorite rappers, and it’s where I feel, despite the enormous historical, cultural and intellectual chasm, that the musical philosophy of Theodor Adorno manifests in the contemporary era. Adorno is one of the pillars of “critical theory”, that esoteric branch of political philosophy that seeks to redeem and revitalize Marxism for modern times (namely, after the failure of the communist project in Russia). Adorno’s body of work is enormous and his intellectual contributions to the Western canon are profound. But he interests me most for his work dedicated to music. Adorno styled himself a sort of philosophical music critic, and sought to understand the music of his era (early 20th century art music) in terms of its reflection on society, on the brutality of bourgeoisie domination (it’s Marxism, remember) and the ways music can awaken and shape society. For Adorno, powerful atonal music, full of dissonance and uncomfortable moments, could awaken its audience to the brutality and contradictions of the world around them. Such music was said to have a critical stance towards society. In other words, harmony and consonance, those beloved tools of Bach and Mozart, were bourgeoisie trifles. Dissonance and discord are the weapons of a Marxist utopia.

Unfortunately, and unsurprisingly, he limited this analysis to the music of privileged bourgeoisie white men, composers like Schoenberg and his disciples. He reviled “light” music, the sort of tunes one would hear on the radio – this music was according to Adorno “illusory”, and served only to mask the ways in which capitalism dominates our lives. Famously, and perhaps tragically, he had a special hatred for Jazz. Jazz, he argued, pretended to have a critical stance, but was too rigid in form and predictability to actually function the way Schoenberg’s music did. Critics of Adorno have responded to his revulsion of jazz in a number of ways. Some argue he was too immersed in classical music to take jazz on its own terms. Others contend what he meant by jazz was that dweeby, awful knock-off music early century Germans thought was jazz (cf. the operetta “Johnny’s Jazz Band” for a real bizarre treat). And of course, there’s always that racial issue as well. But whatever his motivations, Adorno missed out big: jazz can be (and often is) as critical as the most discordant, ear-shattering atonal works. And so, I argue, can hip-hop, especially the music being made today by rising and established stars such as Danny Brown, Schoolboy Q, Kendrick Lamar, Killer Mike – even Ab Soul on a good day. Adorno would probably have reacted with shock and abhorrence at the sound of this music. But, just as with jazz, he would have missed the big picture.

Rap music is primed to reveal the contradictions of capitalist domination and unveil the myriad of ways in which we oppress one another, even though it involves lyrics. Adorno felt that vocal music faced an uphill battle to be critical because it was too representational: in order for music to reveal the contradictions of capitalism, he argued, it had to deny all representational semblance, and be the sonic equivalent of abstraction for the visual arts. Vocal music is by default expressive and representational, so how can it fulfill this criteria? The lyrics of rap however are more than merely representational. The medium is relevant: they’re not singing or talking, they’re rapping, a method of musical delivery than over the recent decades has confirmed in its subject matter an intimate, personal quality that does more than deliver words – rap delivers the truth of structural conditions and the forces that have shaped the rapper’s own life. A soprano singing an aria does her best to imbue the libretto with as much musical and personal expressive force as she can, but when Danny Brown delivers a verse he’s sending out the essence of Danny Brown. He’s not just representing, he’s presenting, and what’s he’s presenting are the structural forces and societal limits that left him to deal drugs, fight thugs on the way to buy groceries and yearn to escape his home town.

Adorno says that critical music jars the listener: an audience to an atonal string quartet yearns for pleasing consonances, the II-V-I resolutions of tonal harmony, but they get only unresolved dissonance. This tension, Adorno claims, awakens them to the ways in which bourgeoisie domination creates contradictions and brutal, unresolved societal dissonances. Underground (and increasingly, mainstream) rap often has the same function: you might want to hear about love, friendship, concord and all the other pleasing consequences of bourgeoisie indulgence. But Schoolboy Q shows you a perverted notion of what wealth and luxury are, outside the typical middle class framework. Ab Soul challenges the authoritative forces we take for granted around us constantly (if you can take him seriously, which I recommend at least trying). Danny Brown reminds us, in the age when hip hop artists insist on rapping about their cars, jewels and women, the bleakness and hopelessness he barely escaped to be on a stage (check out “Fields” and “Scrap or Die” for the most raw, revolutionary tracks on his acclaimed album XXX). And Chance the Rapper in “Favorite Song” reminds us of the societal conditions than tolerate and often condone homophobic, ultra-masculine attitudes. Middleclass bourgeoisie audience may not like any of this – but that’s the damn point. We live in a society rife with contradictions, and we need music that constantly reminds us that these contradictions exist and aren’t improving anytime soon, especially if we refuse to let those on the lesser end of these contradictions tell us about their lives themselves, no matter what words they use.

So would Adorno get down to Bruiser Brigade and dip to “Druggies wit Hoes”? Definitely not – the great irony of his work is the privilege he accords to the bourgeoisie intellectual tradition at the expense of the cultures and aesthetics he sought to redeem through Marxism. But that’s okay: his message resonates across the decades, down into the grungy underground clubs where my favorite rappers got their starts. Rap music shouldn’t be about you hearing what you want to hear, what affirms your comfortable existence. It’s about other people’s voices, other people’s experiences, manifested hopefully in the grimiest, dirtiest, most musically exciting ways. Does this mean when the proletariat finally seizes the means of production, they’ll be blasting not Schoenberg’s atonal opera but “Collard Greens”? I wouldn’t be mad. ▩

Tatted: A Year Later

by

Danny Schwartz

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MP00 Life

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I got a tattoo on my 21st birthday. Having turned 22 a few days ago, I figured it was time to sit down and reflect on the decisions that were made that fateful night.

My cousin and I celebrated with a trip to a BYOB sushi restaurant in Greenwich Village. After dinner, we walked a few blocks away into an establishment called Whatever Tattoo. I told the guy to ink me up. On the inside of my left arm, two inches above the elbow, a ‘206’ – the area code of my hometown Seattle. We scrolled through fonts. He needled at my arm for 5 minutes. I threw him the dough.

I sent the fam a pic the next day. Dad was stoked. Mom thought it looked like a numerical identification marking from Auschwitz. Back at school the next week, I showed out. Yea… I’m tatted. Sup ladies. It was all so gravy at first. Little did I realize, I had acquired a problem of placement. Had the tattoo been inked a few inches higher, it would be covered up by a t-shirt. But it was not. I hadn’t anticipated the task of explaining its meaning to every other person I encountered. I even formulated a stock Portuguese explanation during my trip to Brazil last summer. Within months, the 206 tatt was beginning to lose its luster.

Why’d I get it? Seattle is my home. Seattle is beautiful. A brief bit of history: in 1903, the Seattle Park Commissioners brought out the Olmsted Brothers to plan a comprehensive park system. They came back with a recommendation for several dozen parks new parks of varying character and a 20-mile boulevard to run between them. The City Beautiful movement was at its zenith, and most of the Olmsted Plan was implemented within the next three decades. Between 1900 and 1930, the population of Seattle increased from 80 thousand to 365 thousand; the park system developed in step with the rest of the city, so that the City Beautiful movement was not reform but organic creation, the parks and boulevards woven into the hills and water and distant mountains and integrated into the Cartesian street grid and urban fabric.

206 is an important symbol because it distinguishes Seattle from the suburbs across the lake – the 425. The Eastside. The Eastside thinks it’s hot shit, but really it’s just a bunch of Ugg-caliber biddies and vainglorious simpletons. It’s a different state of mind over there, and the geographic divide reinforces this gap. ‘206’ thus refers only to the part of Seattle I like.

Once I went to college and gained an east coast perspective, the 206 tattoo started to seem like a worthy expression of my nostalgia, and I suppose of some preemptive nostalgia for the years ahead when I would be living in New York or something. Also, I figured that it would act as a bat signal for fellow Seattleites in those faraway places. If I met them, I would show them the tatt and become the insta-homie. In a nutshell, I felt compelled to state my territory. When my 21st birthday rolled around, I didn’t have a location on my body in mind, but I figured in that moment that the time was right to commit to the ink.

The tattoo can be problematic in two ways, and they are both ironic. First, it compromises my Seattle-induced nostalgia. It thrusts my 206ness to the forefront of my consciousness. I look at it everyday. I am physically bound to the 206. How can absence make the heart grow fond if I do not perceive absence?

Second, a more serious problem: it compromises my self-expression. As a jazz musician, I try to adhere to the notion that you should improvise like you are withholding some piece of information. This mindset forces you to think more deliberately about the choices you make during a solo. It forces you to keep one in the chamber, so that you can unleash it when the time is right. And as much as I love Seattle, I prematurely blew my load with this one. The act of inking a visible 206 tattoo on my skin was an ostentatious gesture of Seattle pride the likes of which I will never be able to express again.

So, there is an imbalance. How to repair it? I need to take some pressure of the tattoo. For one, it draws attention to my pale, skinny arms. I gotta get tan. I gotta get jacked. Maybe I should get another tattoo. Maybe I should work up a sleeve. That’s what John Mayer did. He used to have just one tattoo, and it was similar to mine: SRV on his upper left arm, for his guitar idol Stevie Ray Vaughan. Then he got his whole arm covered.

Maybe I should just get dirty at guitar, like John Mayer. I’ve been playing guitar for nine years. Why should I come this far and not keep going? How could I? Miles Davis once said: “it takes a long time to sound like yourself.” I want to speak for myself in proportion to the ways I’ve invested my time and energy. I want to speak with my guitar. Not some tattoo I got on a whim.

Do I regret it? Sometimes. Could I have chosen a better location? Probably. But at the end of the day, tatt is me, I am tatt, and I don’t have much choice other than to rock the fuck out of it. Its location is a reminder that decisions have consequences, its permanence a reminder of my mortality, its audacity a reminder that in life, it’s best to do it large.

Me in ten years.

Sell My Sole

by

Carver Low

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MP00 Music

Feb 20, 2013


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If there is one thing the current state of culture has given us, it’s choices. Many, many choices. An appetite for cultural consumption entails scrutiny of musicians, writers, chefs, and everything else we could possibly have an opinion about. With all this effort being expended, we naturally feel that we have given something of ourselves to whatever it is we’ve chosen to bestow our all-important ‘taste’ upon. When something we like suddenly leaves a sour taste in our mouths, we don’t only want to spit it out. We want to create a spittle-filled impressionist painting of our disgust on the social media canvas to show everyone just how shitty it tastes. Only, we’re really no different than children spitting out something without thinking just because they don’t like how it looks and they “don’t” eat Chinese food. Amid their exploding fame, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis are the latest to experience this phenomenon.

About a week ago, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis unveiled their latest in “holy-shit-we-aren’t-signed-how-did-we-do-that” moments” by releasing and promoting an adapted version of their song “Wings” for the upcoming NBA All-Star Weekend. For many this was nothing more or less than impressive. However, for Macklemore fans who follow his music more closely, this amounted to nothing less than Brutus stabbing Caesar while telling him that his wife tastes like Cheerios. In more literal terms, he was quickly accused of selling out for the big bucks.

This kind of pseudo-controversy isn’t new to Macklemore. His clean-cut image, wholesome, positivist messages, and soccer-mom-liberal political views make him an easy target in the hip hop world. Of course, none of this bothers Macklemore. Listening to his lyrics, one of the clearest themes is that he doesn’t want or need to fit into any box, even the one many of his fans love. He spent enough years trying to be something he’s not through drug use and abuse, and through his sobriety he’s found a kind of self-assuredness that only leads to success. He is more than happy with his millions of fans who adore him (sometimes to an almost idolatrous extent) to be affected by the “hardcore” rap blogs that label him as a poseur or co-opting white guy — pariahs in the hip hop world. Given the impervious nature of Macklemore’s brand, it’s only logical that his biggest detractors are his most vocal fans.

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis remain unfazed by their critics and humble in the face of adoration, driven by a conviction in themselves and comfort in their own skin. In his song “Wings” Macklemore tells the story of his love of sneakers. Part of that story is his realization that people are willing to steal and murder to get the sneakers he so loves, and the self-questioning that comes from realizing something you love may only be hurting you and everyone around you. He ends by stating that he is “trying to take mine off,” which is to say, stop obsessing over Nikes and their marketing driven brand. Taking his final words as gospel, it does seem contradictory for him to lend his brand and song to the NBA, an unabashed proponent of consumption (and Nikes). Given these apparent contradictions, it’s easy to say that Macklemore has sold out on his ideas for what ever it was the NBA was offering. The problem is, the easiest thing to say isn’t always the most accurate.

Being labeled as a sellout is nothing new for musicians. Take Bob Dylan (who, I would like to make clear, I am not comparing Macklemore to). After attaining an enormous following by writing and performing socio-political American folk songs, he made a leap into rock ‘n’ roll and away from social issues. To him it represented a disillusionment with himself, an all too human loss of faith in both his ability to enact change and society’s ability to accept it. To his audience, it felt more like this:

Movie adaptations aside, the audience hated the new sound and quickly branded Dylan as a sellout for abandoning his protest songs. Looking back, Dylan’s transition away from protest music was a natural process of growth for him.  There are many who prefer his rock music to his folk songs. Nevertheless, at the time abandoning folk music meant Dylan contradicted everything he had previously stood for, even if he personally didn’t feel that way.

Dylan and Macklemore’s cases are not the same. Dylan changed his sound and his content, but never refuted anything he previously wrote. Macklemore implicitly contradicted himself by placing himself in the NBA commercial and removing the lines of his song that are critical of Nike and consumerism. Are all of these uses of art selling out, despite their differences? The rules for selling out are political, which in this case means empty rhetoric and posturing. I’m reminded of a dilemma I went through in the latter half of my high school years.

When I was 15 and 16, I was obsessed with punk rock music and the surrounding ‘scene.’ I read ‘zines (the punk rock version of magazines), went to shows, and even sported a Mohawk for a few months. Punk rock is especially applicable here because unlike most other music genres, by nature it is anti-establishment. This anti-authoritarianism also drives members of the punk rock scene to constantly scrutinize each other for selling out, which could consist of a band signing to wrong label, a writer not focusing on the right things, or a songwriter changing their sound at the wrong time. It may be driven by scene politics, but those were scene politics I cared about back then.

I had been staunchly ‘punk rock’ for years, refusing to listen to the ignant rap music almost all of my friends listened to or buy into their mindless consumerism (my words). However, I was growing tired of constantly posturing, and frankly, ignant rap music looked fun (it is). Towards the end of my junior year, I was at a skate shop with a friend, being an aimless teenager. I had been toying with the idea of beginning to dress more ‘normally’ for a few weeks, and that seemed like as good a time as any to pull the proverbial trigger on my thoughts. I walked up, picked out a pair of black and white Adidas Shell Toe sneakers, and began my transition into dressing much more like everyone else at my school. I got what I wanted: an easier time fitting in with the more popular crowds, compliments on the way that I dressed, and attention from the ladies (hey ladies!). I didn’t feel bad about abandoning my former stances because I felt I hadn’t. I still believed in them, even if I didn’t wear them like a billboard on my clothes. In a sense, I was becoming more mature and seeing the world with more depth. However, that didn’t lessen the sting of being voted ‘Most Changed’ in our high school yearbook. Nobody really saw the award as an insult or an embarrassment, but for me it was a quiet reminder of the compromises I’d made in my views.

Change is natural, even healthy. I’m not the only person who formerly or currently defines themselves by the music they listen to, via the subject matter of the music (or lack thereof). The music we listen to is emblematic of our worldview, whether that worldview focuses on the horrors of global capitalism or the beauty of local ass-shaking. When we’re young, we go further than choosing our music to fit our interests, we alter ourselves to fit the words and sentiments of the musicians we like. In the awkward confusion of post-adolescence, adhering to a genre of music can be more comforting than any home.

However, when we give so much of ourselves to our music, we tend to expect something in return. By pouring so much of our own identities into an artist, we feel that much more disillusionment when the artist changes and we no longer feel the same connection. Most basically, when our favorite artist sells out it makes us feel illegitimate and misguided, meaning we’ve been misled, and only the weak are misled. When our favorite artist sells out, it is us who is weak, not them. The social media age only intensifies this effect, because every post and tweet we made hyping an artist becomes a testament to our own gullibility.

The problem is, this isn’t how music and art works. The artist makes it, we consume it. Part of the reason people love artists like Macklemore is because he refuses to do what is expected of him.  So why should we feel such personal disrespect when an artist does something we feel is questionable? Selling out tends to become a buzzword turned buzzsaw to cut down artists whose new direction we find distasteful. Macklemore suffers from this very problem, amplified through the intimate relationship he and Ryan Lewis cultivate with their fans.

In its original form, “Wings” tells the story of Macklemore’s relationship with sneakers. He has a hopeful beginning, a loss of faith in the middle, and a conviction at the end. However, we as a consumer pick out the pieces of the song that make the most sense in our lives and exclusively focus on those. In the case of “Wings,” those branding Macklemore a sellout identify most strongly with the anti-consumerist thought that “Phil Knight tricked us all.” The song is much more that that. It’s a human story (as only the best stories are) of contradiction and confusion, where Macklemore loves his sneaker but sees the evil they can be and are becoming. He is human, with human flaws, but has the courage to point out those flaws. His criticism is of our society’s commitment to consumerism, not of Nike or NBA specifically. He never changed his attire to Toms or even stopped wearing his Nikes, he only pointed out his own misgivings about what they’ve become. He definitely loves Nikes and probably loves the NBA, and who wouldn’t jump at the chance represent something you love?

I have my own reservations about “Wings” being used for the NBA All-Star weekend. I also have my own reservations about using the term sellout. Years of scrutinizing artist to make sure they are staying true to their stances while slowly slipping away from my own has a left a poor taste in my mouth surrounding the term. It unfairly reduces artists to statements and soundbites and cheapens the story they are trying to tell. The idea of selling out is rooted in the concept of authenticity and the conceit of hypocrisy. When an artist is labeled a sellout, it means they’ve contradicted a statement or stance they’ve made in the past, making them either a liar or a hypocrite. Everyone’s realized the redundancy of calling anyone a hypocrite; everyone contradict themselves all the time. It’s what makes us human, Homo sapiens. When we call Macklemore a sellout, in the end are we attacking the man who warned of being strangled by our laces, or the kid who put on a pair of Jordans and was elated to touch the net?

What the 2012 Seahawks Meant to Seattle

by

Danny Schwartz

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MP00 Sports

Jan 15, 2013


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Two days ago, on the 14th play of an 80-yard drive, Jason Snelling took a shovel pass from Matt Ryan and waltzed into the end zone, giving the Atlanta Falcons a 27-7 lead over the Seattle Seahawks with 2:11 left in the 3rd quarter. It was their 5th score in 6 drives. At this point, a theoretical Seahawks victory would be one of the greatest playoff comebacks of all-time, by any calculation.

As a Seahawks fan watching alone on my computer in my room, I was distressed, but never in despair. I knew this game was not over. I had watched the Seahawks make the absurd look ordinary all season. Observe:

  • Week 4: Down 12-7 to the Packers with 7 seconds left, Russell Wilson heaves a Hail Mary to Golden Tate, giving the Seahawks a controversial 14-12 win.
  • Week 6: Down 23-10 to the Patriots with 13 minutes left, the Seahawks defense forces two punts and the offense scores the go-ahead TD with 1:18 on the clock to give the Seahawks a 24-23 win.
  • Week 13: Down 14-10 at Chicago with 3:40 left, Wilson engineers an 97-yard TD drive to give the Seahawks a 3-point lead with 24 seconds on the clock. After the Bears miraculously kick a field goal at the end of regulation, Wilson leads an 80-yard game-winning drive on first possession of OT.
  • Weeks 14-16: Seahawks bust 58 points on the Cardinals, 50 on the Bills, and then 42 on the 49ers.
  • Wild Card Round: Down 14-0 after the 1st quarter, the Seahawks outgain the Redskins 371 yards to 74 the rest of the way and win 24-14.

Clearly if there was ever a team who could make up a 20-point deficit in 17 minutes on the road in the playoffs, it was the Seattle Seahawks. And so I welled with pride as I watched my team fight back on both sides of the ball. Quick touchdown. 27-14. Earl Thomas interception, another touchdown. 27-21. 9 minutes left. Defensive 3-and-out, punt, defensive 4-and-out. Then with 31 seconds left, Marshawn Lynch ran it in to put the Seahawks up 28-27. It was a beautiful thing to behold, not just as a fan, but as a human, watching a team forge its own destiny.

A kickoff and two plays later, Atlanta had driven into field goal territory. Their 49-yard attempt cut effortlessly through the Georgia Dome air and split the uprights. Final score: Falcons 30, Seahawks 28.

From distress to ecstasy to shock. I suddenly felt in touch with the elemental side of life. This game carried significance beyond its temporal boundaries. It was the culmination of a breathtaking season by a young team of entertaining characters that formed a distinct collective personality in step with their improved performance, from a 4-4 start to an 11-5 finish. Slowly but surely, the 2012 Seahawks captured imaginations, gaining national recognition as they actualized their goals and blossomed into something pure. I now know what it feels like to be a parent.  After the loss to the Falcons, I was not mad, or even sad – only proud. The 4th quarter was so captivating that I could not process what was happening in real time. The game left me in disbelief, not that this team could stage such a dramatic comeback, but that this resilient, electrifying, swagged-out team was not of Boston or New York or Los Angeles, but of Seattle.

I read an article after the New York Giants won the Super Bowl in which Eli Manning was asked if he did it for the fans. No, he said, we do it for the guys in this locker room. It is not wishful thinking to believe that the players on the 2012 Seahawks do it not only for themselves, but also for the city and the name on the jersey. The 12th Man crowd, with the help of some well-designed stadium acoustics, is responsible for making Century Link Field the best home-field advantage in the NFL. In this age of Twitter, there is greater transparency between player and fan, and Seahawk players tweet thanks to the Seattle faithful on a regular basis. This should be taken with a grain of salt, but the time they take to express their gratitude is a nice gesture.

Seahawk fans were rooting for more than just laundry this season because we got to know the players both on and off the field. Starting in training camp, fullback Michael Robinson posted weekly 15-20 minute shows to his YouTube channel, The Real Rob Report. He films casual interviews and portrays the atmosphere inside the Seahawks practice facility locker room. Over the course of the season, Robinson introduced almost every player on the 53-man roster.

Football is a sport that dehumanizes the players. They are much more athletic than regular people, and they experience routine acts of violence that are far removed from everyday life. Helmets and masks obscure their faces. The drama is condensed to only 16 regular season games and a few playoff games. The game doesn’t have a consistent flow like basketball or soccer: the drama is then condensed even further into 4-7 second bursts. Offensive linemen are human shields and safeties are human projectiles. It’s almost impossible to relate to the players as they do battle. And that’s what makes The Real Rob Report so great. Robinson, a captain, welcomes you to meet the players with their helmets off. He has shown us how the Seahawks interact, what music they like, how they dance, and who they voted for in the election, or if they voted at all. He has shown us Red Bryant’s passion for cookies, and he has shown us Chris Maragos, the overconfident, white, backup safety, talk trash to Marshawn Lynch. Now, seeing Maragos standing on the sideline during a game brought me great pleasure.

Seattle has had a lackluster sports history, and the 2012 Seahawks have probably been the most exciting team the city has ever seen. More exciting than the GP/Kemp ’96 Sonics, more exciting than the 116-win ’01 Mariners, more exciting than the ’05 Seahawks who went 13-3 and played in the Super Bowl. That Seahawks team won methodically; The 2012 Seahawks won with style. With crazy comebacks. With dreadlocks flowing out the helmets of half of its star players, including cornerback Richard Sherman, indubitably the cockiest player in the league. With a potent read-option offensive attack. With a 5’10” quarterback named Russell Wilson who scrambles like a young McNabb and passes from the pocket like a young Brady. This season was a cultural movement the likes of which Seattle fandom has been waiting on forever.  This particular team’s identity cannot be separated from its symbiotic relationship between fans and players.

I must finish with Russell Wilson. He inspires me to become a better person. He inspires me to work hard and fulfill my potential. He won the starting job in training camp over big free agent signee Matt Flynn by waking up at 6:30 every day to watch film. He watched film the day after the Falcons loss. He visits sick kids in Seattle Children’s Hospital every week.  “I want to be great,” he said in December. “I want to be one of the people a 100 years from now, everyone talks about. That is the way I treat every single day.” He is the number one reason for the Seahawks improvement over the course of the season; he threw 10 TDs and 8 INTs Weeks 1-8, and 19 TDs and 3 INTs the rest of the way. He is the number one reason there has been a special relationship between players and fans this season. He is an underdog by virtue of his height, and we are all underdogs in one way or another. Russell Wilson transcends football. He is living proof that sports can be a valuable and even vital distillation of what we want to achieve and experience in life.

When the Seahawks plane landed in Boeing Field at dawn the morning after the Falcons game, Wilson tweeted, “Best feeling in the world seeing all the #12thman at the airport! Wow I love this team and this amazing city. #GoHawks.” The power of positive thinking in the face of defeat. The cult of Russell Wilson is growing fast, and there is little doubt that he will inevitably achieve his biggest goal.

All Hail King FIFA

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life Sports

Dec 30, 2012


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It’s the 88th minute, and Tottenham trails Arsenal 2-1. Tottenham’s players are spent, emotionally and physically, but confident that they will equalize. If they can just get the ball to Gareth Bale.

Bale waits patiently on the sideline for his teammates to work the ball around to his sector of the pitch. He gathers the ball at midfield, finagles his way around the initial defender, and BOOM – he is bolting down the left flank, in the clear with a head of steam. He swiftly enters the 18-yard box, cuts back, and aims a shot at the far post. The ball curls around the goalkeeper’s outstretched fingers and ripples the side netting. Butter.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” It is 2:30AM, and people are sleeping just on the other side of this dorm’s paper-thin walls, but Samir does not hold back his cry of anguish. He moans again, and presses his controller against his forehead as Bale runs to the corner flag with a triumphant fist in the air. He had done it. Well, I had done it. I had tied up this game of FIFA 12 in its waning moments. I had reduced Samir to a pathetic, tormented shadow of his former self. His extreme, but understandable reaction made my own physical celebration unnecessary. So I just sat there silently and basked in the glow of how cool I was.

Chill bros across the country report a similar emotional investment in FIFA 12. While the FIFA video game franchise has always been reputable, only recently has it become the premier sports game and a “standard” game on the level of Modern Warfare and Halo. In late 2009, FIFA 10 sold 1.7 million copies worldwide in its first week. The next year, FIFA 11 sold 2.6 million copies in its first week. The year after that, FIFA 12 sold 3.2 million copies. The global success of FIFA is unsurprising. I am interested in its apparent stranglehold on American males age 15-24.

I attribute much of FIFA‘s rise in America to the 2010 World Cup, hosted by South Africa. The 2006 World Cup was hosted by Germany. Nobody gives a shit about Germany. South Africa, on the other hand, was chic. With the abolition of apartheid, it had (seemingly) emerged from the shadows of its dark history, and thus had ripened to endear itself to the (white) American mainstream. Before the 2010 World Cup, the only South Africans commonly known to Americans were Nelson Mandela, and Matt Damon in Invictus, and the dude who wrote Kaffir Boy. Now, we were able to blow awesome vuvuzelas and cheer on South Africa, the country and its soccer team, lovable underdogs both.

Landon Donovan’s eleventh hour goal against Algeria to send the US into the knockout round was too much for Americans. We ate it up. After slogging through the first 99% of group play, the hometown squad’s clutch goal seemed to validate American soccer in its entirety, and we welcomed our boys home with open arms that summer of 2010. We even let EDM in too. Just as importantly, in that magical month we had become fond of various international stars, and we were determined to follow them as they returned to their clubs in the fall.

After the World Cup, most American soccer fans adopted Manchester City as their favorite European side. Yet the season is long, and it is difficult to keep tabs on a team playing a few thousand miles away. Since the World Cup, American soccer fans have done four things to stay current on the state of soccer: watch El Clasico (Real Madrid-Barcelona), watch the Champions League final, watch individual highlight reels on YouTube, and play FIFA.

Watching El Clasico is a guaranteed home run; always a high-level of play, and afterwards everyone gets to jock Messi and talk excessive shit about Cristiano Ronaldo. Watching the Champions League final allows us to properly assess the hierarchy of soccer clubs in Europe. It also allows us an opportunity to reminisce about watching Liverpool’s epic comeback against AC Milan in the 2005 final, when in reality we just watched the highlights on YouTube.

Indeed, YouTube is a vital resource for the contemporary American soccer fan, especially when used in tandem with FIFA. For example, I first that knew Gareth Bale was awesome after watching this video (bonus: he slangs dick at 1:40. maximize the screen for full effect). As an owner of both FIFA 11 and FIFA 12, I am able to confirm Bale’s improvement over the course of a year; in 11, he was rated an 81, and and in 12, he was rated an 86. Conversely, Inter Milan’s Diego Milito was rated an 86 in 11, but only an 81 in 12. Clearly, the ratings people had been influenced by the pair of goals he scored in the 2010 Champion League final. Between two congruent editions of FIFA, I not only feel attuned to the state of the game, but I get to participate in its virtual counterpart.

If FIFA‘s usefulness as an annual gauge of global soccer since the World Cup isn’t enough, the gameplay itself has gotten unreal. The sport of soccer is about fluidity and organic movement, unlike the punctuated equilibrium and tactics that characterize football. Improvements in video game engineering, seen in graphics and physics engines, have taken FIFA to the next level and left Madden in the dust. Vastly improved realism in the more recent FIFA games has created an arena in which we dictate the movements of players of varying styles and skills. Unlike with Madden, which uses predesigned plays, the FIFA player is given creative agency, and thus takes greater ownership of the course of each game.

Us Americans can’t be European hooligans, because we have to apportion out our hooliganism across football, basketball, soccer, and to some lesser extent, baseball. FIFA does us a joyous service in bringing our raging, drunken inner soccer hooligan to life. I find great solace in the fact that future FIFA games will only get better, that I will always be able to take over games with Gareth Bale, and that Samir can brighten my day by uttering a single world with an upward inflection at the end: “FIFA?”

The End is Here

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life

Dec 21, 2012


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Death approaches. That much is certain. The idea, it seems, is to cram as much in before the bastard gets to you. Of course, there are more things to know than you possibly can; of course, there are more places to go than you ever possibly will; of course, there are more people to meet, and books to read, and paintings to ironically ponder, and rides to ride than life’s brevity will allow for. There is not much time. The end is nye. Today B’ak’tun is complete; the fourth and final cycle of Mayan lore draws to a close. I have lived eighteen years, every minute spent in deep introspection. I have looked within. Found the answers. They are mine.

I suppose that now is the time we must get serious. The clock is ticking, ticking, ticking toward our demise, and the Lord’s work is yet to be done.

If you are reading this, it is probably just the beginning. Perhaps the sky has not yet fallen; perhaps the power is still on, but rest assured, the gears of renewal are turning. I can write whatever I want here; soon it will not matter.

Cynics abound. Poor fools, ignorant to what awaits them! Perhaps you are one of them. Perhaps you don’t buy this “myth,” this “delusion.” Perhaps you think it is all a fairy tale, that this world is all roses and ice cream. What is the basis of your thoughts? From what foundations have you conjured up your philosophy? Will they still remain when all else is in ruin and despair? Reflect! For your bets have been made and soon it will be too late to hedge them. It is not long before your fate, thank heavens, is out of your hands.

But for now, you have control, and in that you can take some solace. It is time to plan, prepare, take the fruitless endeavors of the past and meld them and manipulate them into a future where you’ll have a fighting chance.

Some of these failed undertakings will be less conducive to survival than others. Were these worth it? Were they rewarding per se? Time is not as abundant as it once was. It speeds you toward your doom; there is no stopping it. How do you now feel about all those lost hours spent on Sporcle and Reddit? Do the experiences give you warmth, comfort, fulfillment? Will they help you stave off imminent death?

No. Of course not. All that matters now is your gumption and willpower. The primal instincts will, after a 14,000-year respite, again be primary. When everything is down to the wire, they’re all you’ve got.

It all ends today. Your past, your future, your present. These things most personal will be lost, smoke winding through the air. Fighting, though futile, will at least give you something to do. The Mayans fought, and they fought well. Their Eagle Warriors were agile; their Plumed Archers shot arrows straight and true. They were the premier civilization in the “Age of Empires: The Conquerors” expansion pack. What conquerors they then must be, that today they no longer remain.

The conqueror conquered. A new conqueror is anointed. The great cycle. If transitivity holds, would that make us, the last, the greatest conquerors of them all?

Did we win?

It is on such matters that we must unapologetically ruminate as apocalypse, whatever form it may take, descends down upon us. Don’t doubt, don’t succumb to delusion. Accept what was handed to you and wield it like a sword. The world is ending today, and the futility of denial is vastly more potent than the futility of hanging on when little remains to hang on to.

Will yourself to hang on for as long as you can. It will soon be every man for himself; the bonds of camaraderie that you’ve worked so hard to build will fracture and crumble like the bridges and the skyscrapers that will soon be of old. Much time has passed since you began reading. The world’s end approaches. Ride into the storm. Have no regrets.

Performance Enhanced, or Performance Achieved?

by

Carver Low

Season Categories Published
MP00 Sports

Dec 14, 2012


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A winning compound?

Ever since Seahawks cornerbacks Brandon Browner and Richard Sherman’s got suspended for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy last weekend, something has been bothering me.  I think it’s the Adderall.  Yes, the drug that’s probably helping you write that last ten page essay or party your face off in celebration of finishing thesis.  That original suspension wasn’t the only of its kind.  More than a few other players have been suspended over the course of the current season and the NFL is dealing with a problem big enough for the media to write about. While most people have responded to this newest performance enhancing scandal with the usual outcries of “THIS IS AN EPIDEMIC, IT MUST BE STOPPED,” I’m only surprised this hasn’t become an issue sooner.  The problem hasn’t been confined to the NFL either.  Carlos Ruiz, starting catcher for the Phillies, has also been suspended for 25 games for Adderall use.  In the middle of the off-season.  Clearly both leagues agree that Adderall is a performance enhancing drug.  However, it doesn’t enhance performance in the traditional vein-popping, syringe-injecting, muscleman way. Adderall use is far more akin to a problem Major League Baseball had in the 70s and 80s than the one it dealt with in Barry Bonds and BALCO.

The year is 1970.  The Summer of Love has just passed and people everywhere are doing drugs.  Lots of drugs.  Pirates pitcher Dock Ellis throws a no-hitter while on LSD. The same year, Jim Bouton releases his book Ball Four.  It’s less of an expose and more of a retrospective, but a retrospective that nonetheless brought the abundant use of amphetamines in baseball to the attention of everyone.  Not that the use of various amphetamines in sports was a recent development.  Players had been using what were (and still are known) as ‘greenies’ during the baseball season since the 1920s.  Since then the chronicle of drug use in sports, particularly amphetamine use and baseball, has been well documented through suspensions, arrests, and even deaths.  Players from that era openly admit to the lack of stigma against cocaine and other amphetamines.  Players took them before, during, and after games.  Their perks sometimes turned out not to be, but the increased energy, confidence, and focus the drugs gave contributed to a general goodwill towards their use in sports.  They also got the players high, which helps.  There wasn’t a specific amphetamine prescribed for every ailment.   Players just generally did them.  Eventually the leagues began cracking down, and since then health studies, a slew of suspensions, and a general shift in the American cultural paradigm have rendered the exploitation of cocaine and illegal amphetamines non-existent in professional sports aside from the occasional anomaly.

Returning to the current era, it’s easy to see why a player would use Adderall.  It is, after all, an amphetamine in the same vein of the Greenies golden era baseball players used.  Adderall offers many of the benefits rudimentary amphetamines afforded players from the seventies, but without almost any of the detriments.  Increased focus.  Extended mental stamina.  Heightened energy. Lack of appetite.  The last one might not exactly be a benefit, but Adderall holds a trump card that even anabolic steroids never fully held – legality.

Still, the legality of Adderall hasn’t stopped the league from handing out suspensions.  Rookie New York Giants safety Will Hill, despite having a prescription for Adderall, was suspended for using the substance this October.  The Phillies’ Ruiz was caught and suspended, but in reality 1 in 10 MLB players uses Adderall legally with a medical exception.  While it’s true that NFL players can often get access to prescriptions and medications that wouldn’t be available to the average, non-multimillion dollar man, Hill’s case does illuminate the areas where the Adderall ban fails.

A pro football player’s job doesn’t stop when he leaves the football field after each game, or even each practice.  He watches film.  He studies his team’s plays. He studies the other team’s plays.  So when the league bans Adderall use, that can make each of those tasks challenging for a player who actually needs Adderall to focus.  Yes, Adderall probably helps players’ performance on the field, but it also probably helps players’ more off the field.  However, any push back along this line of argument may be a product of college life, where Adderall use without a prescription as common as walks of shame.  In that sense, the NFL’s ban on Adderall is actually more akin to its marijuana use policies than any PEDs, as it directs how a player may use his time outside of games rather than within them.

Herein lays the greatest difference between any other ‘performance enhancing drug’ and Adderall.  Other PEDs have acted as useful augmentations in specific scenarios like recovery or muscle-building, but Adderall is usually prescribed and generally understood as an everyday supplement.  Even though there are specific instances where Adderall is most effective (like studying film), the perception of Adderall is as a way to right an individual’s inefficiencies and shortcomings on a daily basis.  If steroids are a way to boost a body beyond its normal limitations, taking Adderall is a tool for to maximize everything a mind and body is already capable of.  It’s the difference between a black and white distinction of normal and abnormal growth and a question of potential.  Both heuristics have their limitations, but one is based in objective science while the other is based on the eternally-unpredictable future.

The NFL and MLB have opened a can of worms when it comes to restricting ADD and ADHD medication, and while it may take years for the results to manifest, we can learn a lot about Adderall’s place in society in the process.  When I was in elementary school, finding out someone was on ADD or ADHD medication was a reason for ridicule.  In college fifteen years later, that same kid would be the subject of more unwanted attention, although of a very different kind.  Adderall has become a ubiquitous leg-up on the competition in any facet of school, and in turn business.  NCAA restrictions on Adderall use are also far more lenient than those of the NFL, in large part because their players are (say it with me) “student-athletes.”  Everyone who plays in the NCAA doesn’t end up being a professional athlete, and neither does everyone who graduates from college end up being a CEO.  Colleges realize this.  However in life, just as in business, not everyone is on a level playing field.  Some “know the right people,” others have enough financial or cultural clout that everyone wants to know them, and the rest are left with their own ambition and talents.

It seems ironic that while professional sports work hard to remain a more level playing field than society (something sports have long been lauded for), Adderall is fast becoming the golden standard for excellence.  At least part of the reason professional sports are so against PEDs is because of the moral example it sets for kids (and parents).  So it’s really beside the point who gets suspended for Adderall, and for how long – these players aren’t all trading secrets on how best to beat the system and break the game they love.  They’re just using what they’ve learned (especially in college).  Because how long will it really be before fast tracked students are given Adderall from a young age, or drug companies begin developing designer versions of the drug a la Limitless?  These ideas may be ridiculous now, but so was the notion that a player could be suspended for Adderall as a performance enhancing drug.  Maybe the NFL, MLB, and the rest of professional sports aren’t the ones out of their depth.  Maybe it’s the rest of us.

Action Bronson: Overcooked

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Music

Nov 26, 2012


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Action Bronson Rare Chandeliers Cover

He is a morbidly obese white Albanian dude covered in tattoos, rapping about his years as a professional chef with vulgar, quasi-horrocore lyrics.  Something about Action Bronson just makes you feel uncomfortable.  Nothing about him makes any sense when compared to more conventional rap.  The only thing that harkens back to common ground is a slight stylistic similarity to Ghostface Killah.  Action Bronson built his appeal simply by being unexpected.

Over the past year and a half, Bronson exploded into the rap game as a promising up-and-comer.  Why did we enjoy listening to a fat Albanian chef rap?  He had no discernable street cred or monumental struggle – the conventional hip-hop narrative did not apply.  We kept listening because we had no idea what he might say or do next.  It was obvious that his tales were fictional – he wasn’t pulling girls or firing guns at the absurd rate his rhymes often declared.  But his lyrics still didn’t seem disingenuous – though his stories were fictional, they were interspersed with personal nuggets – lines about repping Queens as well as lines simply about food, from his life as a chef.  “Smokin’ heavy / artichokes spread over spaghetti / I flow for the green, snow and confetti”

Action Bronson’s most recent mixtape released last week, Rare Chandeliers, superficially promised the same shock value as his previous work.  The album art told us it would have everything we loved about Bronsolino – graphic violence, gratuitous sexual descriptions, weed, and a general sense of “What the fuck is going on here?”  But the tape itself comes up woefully short.  Rather than expanding his palate to include more flavorful, unique ways of making his audience squirm, Action Bronson regresses, exposing his artistic shortcomings and de-emphasizing what he does best – the unexpected.

On Rare Chandeliers, Bronson pairs with acclaimed producer The Alchemist.  The pairing seems like it should work.  Alc has the ability to make beats for any style, and Bronson’s style is one of the strangest.  But rather than working together to achieve a cohesive sound, the balance of power is tilted heavily towards Action Bronson.  In nearly every song, the beat switches for every verse, trying to match the stylistic and lyrical changes Bronson is making.  The Alchemist is seemingly trying to keep up with Action Bronson – the two seem neither cohesive nor compatible.  The Alchemist’s beats are too complex, too dope, for Bronson’s jumpy style.  This isn’t a knock on his skill.  He would simply benefit from working with stripped-down shittier beats that let him shine more – think Big L.

Action Bronson broke down his mixtape in an interview with Complex Magazine.  Describing both the tape and its namesake song he says, “At the end of the day, I’m just a fucking one of a kind, and so is Al. We’re just some rare chandeliers.”  He pinpoints the problem with the tape.  Action Bronson is too individualistic – he lacks the ability to develop cohesive, linear structure with anybody.  He is too accustomed to being the center of attention to allow The Alchemist to shine.  The dialectic between the two is non-existent.

While discussing the next song, “The Symbol,” Bronson states, “I’m trying to go with a theme here. I’m rap’s vigilante. I’m out for justice.”  In doing so, he reveals his main downfall as an artist: a complete lack of narrative ability.  If his narrative goal on Rare Chandeliers was to portray himself as a vigilante, it was an utter failure.  There’s nothing to suggest he is anything but a nutjob.  And there is nothing wrong with that – it was being a nutjob that made him successful in the first place.  Why deny the truth?

On “Eggs on the Floor,” the beat changes for each individual verse Action Bronson spits.  This song, and every other on the mixtape, could easily be subdivided into two or three different songs, each roughly 0:45 in length.  Neither and inter- or intra-song connection exists on this tape, exemplifying a lack of storytelling ability.  His stories are one-line, fictional tales – “Spin out the Beamer at the arena / bitches spot me like a Cheetah.”  The cleverness is there, but what does he say about himself in the process? Gucci Mane’s storytelling style is similar, but the sum of his one-liners is a tale about Southern trap culture.  The sum of Bronson’s individual stories is a garbled mess.  We have already heard him tell stories like this on previous tapes – this isn’t new or exciting anymore.

Even his style seems stale and replicable.  On “Modern Day Revelations” the Alchemist tries to direct him towards perhaps his closest hip-hop match: early Eminem.  The non-stop drug, violence, and sex references tie them together.  The beat drops, and it has the same basic melody and rhythm as “Guilty Conscience” from The Slim Shady LP.  But Bronson is simply not as talented as Eminem.  “Guilty Conscience” has three mini-stories tied together within a larger story.  “Modern Day Revelations” just has a series of clever lines tied together with no larger structure.  At the end of Bronson’s verse, Roc Marciano drops a verse in the exact style of Action Bronson, full of food, drugs, and uncomfortable imagery, and he does it better than Bronson.  He tells an actual story while still talking about “cracking crustaceans” and “crab dipped in the garlic.”  Roc’s verse was dope because we didn’t expect it from him – but we do already expect it from Action Bronson.

Perhaps if Rare Chandeliers was a listener’s first exposure to Action Bronson, they might derive the same uncomfortable pleasure the rest of us did when we first heard him on Bon Appetit ….. Bitch!!!!! or Dr. Lecter.  But having become accustomed to his appearance, his culinary past, and his vulgarity already, we have become desensitized to what makes Bronson unique.  The image of a morbidly obese redhead having violent sex being forced into our heads by his lyrics no longer hold the same disturbing value they once did – we have already been forced to imagine this in his previous works.  For Action Bronson to continue his ascent in the rap game, he needs to find a way to develop a compelling narrative or make his music as unexpected as it once was to us.  Otherwise, it seems that he has peaked.

The Metaphysics of a Really Big Smartphone

by

Jeremiadus

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life

Nov 18, 2012


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I bought the Samsung Galaxy Note II smartphone a few days ago. It has a 5.5 inch screen. That’s a really big screen. With a quad-core processor, 2 GB of memory, and the Jelly Bean Android operating system – along with a sophisticated pen technology to augment core touchscreen capabilities – the Galaxy Note II is probably the most advanced smartphone on the market. For technology geeks, it is the ultimate bling, aggressively massive and potent. By comparison, the Apple iPhone recedes into the shadows; feminine, shy, and demure.

I am not a big fan of tablets, probably because I like to use my computers for work, not pleasure, and tablets are really designed to consume media. Or, in the parlance of the technology and media savants, they are designed for people who want to “lean back”, not “lean forward”.

But I’ve always craved larger screens for my phones. Let’s be clear here. When it comes to smartphones, we’re not really talking about phones at all. We’re talking about small, powerful computers with woebegone phone applications shoehorned inside.  When it comes to assigning priorities for these devices, the goal of building a good phone with high-quality voice communication capabilities probably lands about 10th on the list.

Partly for that reason, when we buy a smartphone, we really care about the screen. The phone is an afterthought. In fact, you actually don’t need much of a visual interface to make a phone call. But for nearly anything else you are going to want to do with your smartphone, you will need a high-resolution touchscreen.

In the past year or two, we have begun to witness a screen size arms race. Where 3.5” used to be the standard, set by Apple – and Blackberry, with its built-in physical keyboard, could get by with an even smaller screen size – beginning in 2011, Android manufacturers began pumping out phones with 4” screens, then 4.5” screens, then – with the Samsung Galaxy S III – a 4.8” screen. In that context, the arrival of the Galaxy Note II with a 5.5” screen was all but inevitable.

Let’s itemize the advantages of a larger screen and then cut to the heart of the matter – what is the displacement factor of a large screen versus a smaller screen? In other words, what does the phone displace, not just in your pocket, but in your life?

Touch screens replaced phones with keyboards because they enlarged the display opportunity. This presented phone manufacturers with numerous feature options, ranging from web access to email to text messaging to music players to social media to maps and navigation, and ultimately to the tsunami of smartphone-tuned software applications available via the Apple App Store and the Google Play Store.

The problem phone manufacturers faced, however, was that most of the features underwhelmed people when they had to squint at a 3” or 3.5” screen to use them. Usability suffered, too. Small buttons and keyboards, and the design shortcuts required to make them work in a Lilliputian screen environment, ultimately left phone purchasers holding nothing  but … a phone (albeit an increasingly lousy one).

The success of the iPad really resulted from this failure of the smartphone to fulfill its promise. The major issue was screen size. Once Apple nailed the design elements, and created a beautiful user experience, the larger screen sealed the deal because it allowed the full range of feature options to work as they were supposed to. The only problem that remained was portability. Apple provided wireless access for the iPad, but the 10” form factor made it cumbersome to tote around. And you still needed your phone.

Ahh, your phone. The intoxicating early success of the iPad placed in bolder relief the inadequacies of the smartphone. Only at that point did smartphone screen sizes and screen resolutions began to grow. And so now we have the Galaxy Note II, which is only a half inch smaller than the Kindle, and which is essentially a small tablet with a phone (and a pen). Typing still takes forever, but typing is no joy even on a full-sized tablet. And the predictive word options that display when I am typing on the Galaxy Note anticipate with uncanny accuracy what I actually do want to write. No one will use my smartphone to write a novel. But concept of the Galaxy Note is still fantastic.

And what makes it fantastic? It solves the conundrum of mobile technology; it combines  portability with usability. The Galaxy Note II is slender. It slides right into my front pocket. But the screen is large enough that I can watch Netflix (last night, Trailer Park Boys), easily read email, surf the web, jot notes, and read books and documents. I am less interested in leaning back than leaning forward. I truly wish I could more easily type on my phone – perfection would be the ability to actually write my novel on it. But there is no other phone that comes this close to delivering a tablet experience. If not for the metaphysics of the really big phone, I would call my possession of it a sort of Nirvana. Instead, it is a kind of hell.

The hellish metaphysics of a really big smartphone emerge from the displacement issues. My pocket is full. My heart is not. There is always this issue with visual technology. Does it kill your soul, pixel by pixel? I’m not talking about irradiating your brain. I’m referring to the particle of emptiness at the center of our being, around which our corporeal identity wraps itself and clings to because without it we have no space where we can turn back on ourselves and reflect and thereby become fully human. Without that particle of emptiness, we are dumb, and fully plantlike.

It amuses and even inspires me that so many people frame real life through their experiences watching Seinfeld, The Simpsons, The Family Guy, South Park, and Chappelle. That is the function of art, even (especially) comic art. The really big smartphone frames real life as well. Only without the comic art to offer redemptive compensation for time spent away from real life. Instead, the really big smartphone generally promotes a vacant absorption in a static or banal or simply meaningless and rote (booting, load time, buffering) screen experience. It roots us in a place where we lose access to our particle of emptiness. We vegetate.

For this reason, I am ill at ease. My really big smartphone is in my pocket. It combines portability and usability and fulfills my fantasy of a single device that can meet virtually all of my digital needs no matter where I am. But it drains my battery and makes me stupid.

Where does that leave me? With an existential dilemma. One simple way of thinking about an existential dilemma is when you can’t live with something and you can’t live without it.  Which is the case with my smartphone. How do you address an existential dilemma? With an idea that transcends the conundrum and allows you to resolve it. These days, I am reading Kierkegaard, who is mostly known for sticking it to Hegel. But Kierkegaard is also known for his pursuit of what one might call “the big idea”, the animating principle and goal around which one can organize one’s life, “the idea for which I can live and die.”

Kierkegaard speaks to me because he gets the concept of the empty particle at the center of our being that we must, at all costs, preserve. The really big smartphone obliterates that particle because, like much new technology, it seduces us.  Our interactions with the smartphone acquire mystical, totemic significance. The phone becomes a fetish, which is to say an end in itself that dislocates us.

Kierkegaard reminds us that the really big smartphone – as fantastic as it may be – is nothing on its own. It is merely a tool – a beautiful hunk of plastic, glass, and silicon – that we can use to pursue the big idea. It is not the big idea itself. This awareness restores us to sanity and makes us smart again.

Scumbag or Satirical Genius? The Mystery of Patrice Wilson

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Season Categories Published
MP00 Music

Nov 14, 2012


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When Rebecca Black’s now-infamous Friday was released in March of 2011, it unleashed a massive, unprecedented torrent of electronic hatred upon Black, then just a fresh-faced 13 years old. It took two weeks for Friday to become the most disliked Youtube video of all time–usurping Justin Bieber’s Baby for that dubious honor.

When the original video was removed from Youtube in June 2011, it had amassed 165 million views. It has since reappeared, and continues to receive a full spectrum of comment gold: from the sympathetic (“common [sic] she’s so sweet!!! <3”) to the simplistic (“Boy this does suck”) to the melodramatic (“Congratulations your [sic] next to Hitler in my Most hated person ever!!!!!!!”).

It didn’t take long for the Internet pundits (generally, a disparate group from the Youtube commenters) to transfer their hatred up the chain towards Ark Music Factory, the production company responsible for Friday and the brainchild of one Patrice Wilson. For a few thousand dollars, parents could have Wilson and the team at Ark co-write and produce a song and music video for their poptart-lusting pubescent.

Wilson was playing off innocent kids’ musical fantasies for a quick buck, the pundits said. It was a devious and exploitative scheme.

Last week, Wilson returned to notoriety with the drop of Nicole Westbrook’s It’s Thanksgiving on his Youtube channel. In the days since the song’s release, it has been viewed nearly six million times, received over 80,000 dislikes, and sparked a fresh round of criticism about Wilson: that he’s a leech, a crook, a scab on humanity for bringing such a musical abomination into the world.

Bullshit.

Wilson isn’t delusional about his work or malevolent towards the wannabe-starlets that employ his services–rather, he’s an artist of satire, mocking mass culture on an epic scale and occupying the tenuous oasis of parody where reality is ambiguous: no one is quite sure how serious Wilson is.

The “patomuzic” Youtube channel is a mausoleum of clichéd music video tropes. Glittery teenage girls squeal autotuned lyrics over chord progressions perfected by the Beach Boys played on bastardizations of synths made ubiquitous by Bieber and his pop posse; every Youtube feedback bar is a green stub with a long, red, negative tail. There are no illusions harbored here. Ark Music Factory does exactly what the name implies: converts the factory model of mass-production to the industry of lousy Youtube pop stars.

It’s an incredible sight–a stunning, disruptive critique of a musical culture based upon views and virality; where soul and chops are far less important than video aesthetic, artificial production perfection, and social media promotion. Watching more than a few videos consecutively on Wilson’s channel will make you sick–not just from the cookie-cutter atrocity, but also from how closely patomuzic emulates the Bieber image as a whole. The girls are younger and more awkward, the production is infinitely more plastic–but the pop aura is identical.

I’ve already mentioned Bieber several times, and that’s no coincidence. Bieber is the poster child for contemporary teen music culture, ubiquitous across social media, television, and magazines. And if Bieber is the prince of pop, Scooter Braun, his manager, is the king of hype. Braun is the 31-year-old marketing whiz kid who discovered Bieber in 2007 and catapulted him to fame. Braun was always precocious and ambitious–by age 20, he sat on the executive board of Jermaine Dupri’s So So Def Records, and his stock has recently risen above and beyond the dregs of lowbrow, teenybopper pop culture: this year, he’s been featured in the New Yorker and Forbes.

Braun represents the artists responsible for five out of the top 20 most viewed Youtube videos of all time. Three are Bieber songs, including number one–the aforementioned Baby, clocking in with an absurd 800 million views. Psy, the Korean rapper responsible for the number two most-viewed Gangnam Style (720 million), was picked up by Braun when his video began to go viral–a story that perfectly parallels Carly Rae Jepsen’s, whose Call Me Maybe (332 million) sits at number 18 on the Youtube charts and has inspired countless amateur video remakes by groups including the US Olympic Swim Team, the Marines, and the Miami Dolphin cheerleaders.

Wilson and Ark Music Factory exist as a farce of Braun and his Schoolboy Records. Braun’s strategy is to chase each hype wave and make it his own, using his tried and true Bieber techniques to elevate his artists to transient-iconic status. (Whether “transient-iconicism”–15 minutes of fame, on crack–leads to legitimate iconicism remains to be seen; while Bieber is certainly here to stay, Jepsen and Psy are a toss-up.) Wilson’s game is analogous. With each tragic, aspiring starlet, he applies the same tried and true overproduction methods to create a brand new, abhorrent pop song that mocks the culture it emulates. Even Wilson’s Twitter account mimics Braun’s, employing the same shameless self-promotional techniques, expressing interminable pride in his artists and channeling universally appealing themes about hard work, achieving one’s goals and enjoying life.

Wilson, like Braun, understands how to create hype. Friday and It’s Thanksgiving are indeed truly awful songs and videos. But what is most incredible is that they are awful on such a massive scale. The obvious contrast between Braun and Wilson’s respective methods of hype is also the key component in Wilson’s satirical brilliance: Braun creates positive feedback loops for his artists, while Wilson’s work thrives on hatred. Bieber has masses of “Beliebers” hypnotized by his every move and Jepsen has her song remade by stud athletes  and the President; Black gets a Hitler reaction video.

Wilson’s critique is so powerful because his music is so casually hateable. The layperson’s reaction to a Bieber video is at best thrilled elation, at worst complicit shrugging or resigned headshaking. The songs are catchy and the videos are well executed–it’s tough to argue with that. When a seven-year-old girl hikes up her T-shirt and copies all of Bieber’s dance moves, mothers are concerned; but the rest of us look the other way. When we see It’s Thanksgiving or one of Wilson’s other videos, however, we’re immediately appalled. “Is this what our culture has become?” we ask. It’s a reaction that can only be mustered by extreme disgust–a reaction that takes a Patrice Wilson-scale abomination of a music video to be triggered.

It’s a copout to decry Wilson merely for creating awful music. That’s far too simplistic. His work could be more aptly described as a new wave of avant-garde–pop art executed on a macro scale. If Bieber and Braun represent Hollywood cinema, then Wilson’s videos are the anti-Hollywood art films of Andy Warhol. Wilson takes the medium and mutilates it, just as Warhol did in films with hours of footage of people sleeping, eating, and making love.

The Warhol analogy is fitting. His prints and paintings enraged critics for their blatant commerciality and alleged betrayal of the art world, just as Wilson and his girls are despised for their bold production of atrociousness. Wilson’s business is based upon precise formulae for song, lyrics and video, while Warhol used silkscreening to replicate his work many times over. One such version of Double Elvis, a piece Warhol copied 22 times in various formats, sold this past May for $37 million. Even the name of Wilson’s Ark Music Factory can be seen as a reference to Warhol’s own “Factory”, the studio where much of his work of the 1960s and 1970s was produced.

Warhol would have loved Wilson’s videos. He once said that “when you do something exactly wrong, you always turn up something.” This concept of “exactly wrong” manifested itself in the carelessness of Warhol’s art: paintings with stray marks; fuzzy, amateurish film footage; a contribution to the BMW Art Car Project on which he is said to have spent only 23 minutes from start to finish. But a universally mocked and hated music video, viewed over 165 million times? A piece earning the title of “Most disliked video, ever?” Warhol would have been floored.

The delightful icing on Wilson’s satirical cake is that it’s impossible to tell how aware he is of the connotations of his own work. Although he channels Braun’s ruthless positivity with respect to promoting his artists, he’s certainly aware of the appalling quality of his releases and the hatred they muster from the Internet populous. He even produced a notably unfunny “official sequel to Friday” entitled Happy, which, at face value, looks like a sad, self-deprecating attempt to mollify the widespread criticism received by Black’s song.

It’s possible that Wilson is the villain Internet pundits paint him as–an exploitative businessman preying on the dreams of starry-eyed teenagers and their parents. It’s possible Wilson is, to borrow a term from an It’s Thanksgiving commenter, “trolling the Internet”–whoring for Youtube views through bad music, strictly for the hype.

It’s also possible that there’s much greater depth to Wilson’s work; that he’s acutely aware of the powerful cultural critique embedded in his hyperbolically corny, cookie-cutter tunes; that he’s making a conscious, subtle effort to rouse awareness and change in a flailing, diseased industry.

Watching a young, petite Nicole Westbrook croon her pitch-adjusted lyrics into a turkey drumstick, we’re not quite sure what to think. Do we pity Westbrook? She’s about have the ruthless eye and harsh tongue of the Internet focused on her for the next few weeks, yet surely by the fact that she’s working with Wilson, it’s what she signed up for. Do we hate Wilson?

The dolled up, shining faces of Westbrook and her co-stars parading around the screen bring another Warhol quote to mind.

“I love Los Angeles,” he once said. “I love Hollywood. They’re beautiful. Everybody’s plastic, but I love plastic. I want to be plastic.”

Maybe Patrice Wilson is a simple crook. Maybe he’s a brilliant satirist. Maybe he is caught in duality, a simultaneous desire to engage the industry and to critique it. Or maybe, Wilson’s intentions don’t really matter–his work stands on its own for interpretation, an enigmatic symbol of plastic America.

The Sage from Compton

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Music

Oct 25, 2012


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In July 2011, Kendrick Lamar’s debut album Section.80 fell from the sky, released independent of a label, exclusively online. It peaked at 13 on the Billboard Top Rap Albums, good enough for the national hip-hop consciousness to let onto its outskirts 24-year old Kendrick, the 5’6” dude from Compton who didn’t really smell like Compton, who could contort his voice to make any two words rhyme, gifted with dexterous flow and lyrical wit. Section.80 was about what it meant to be a Reagan baby, and in spite of this heaviness it maintained an air of freshness.  Kendrick emerged, albeit quietly, as a rapper who could straddle the line between style and substance, who could OWN that line, who could wax semi- intellectual and give his songs artistic meaning without sacrificing hip hop’s seductive swaggadiocio. A couple days ago, he released good kid, m.A.A.d. city on Dr. Dre’s label Aftermath, and so it is likely to catapult thoughtful Kendrick into the mainstream.

GKMC has a pretty clear central conflict: Kendrick v. Compton. It is the story of Kendrick’s late adolescence, old enough to go forth with his friends to explore and experience the world of drugs and gangs and violence in which they lived. The cover of GKMC features a picture of baby Kendrick being held by his uncle, whose fingers are curled to form an unmistakable C, for Crip. Kendrick was born a child of Compton, a place that agitates the transition from youth to adulthood, and he is both seduced by and wary of the gangbanger lifestyle. At one point he asks, “But what am I supposed to do, when the topic is red or blue?”

It’s safe to say that the dominant trait of most rappers is their bravado, and that’s what makes Kendrick Lamar different: he exists internally. He stays within himself, perhaps in part from some instinct of self-preservation, in part from some inherent quality of his personality. GKMC comes alive in Kendrick’s imagination; he reaches back to his memories like a kind of dance, shifting toward and away and around them in a way that gives you a direct feed into his mind.

The album includes 15 songs, but is effectively 11 with 4 bonus songs. Almost all of the core 11 songs are characterized by interludes that act as segues between songs, so that they are less like songs and more like ‘scenes’. The interludes can be divided into 2 types – voicemails from his parents, or dialogue from his friends – this way, you know he’s out in the world, kickin it.

The interludes irritated me when I first listened through GKMC, because they are lumped onto the end of each song rather than allocated to their own track, thus making it harder to not skip over them. But eventually realized that the interludes deepen the world Kendrick creates. They give personality and ‘humanness’ to the opposing forces of Kendrick’s parents and his friends, because you hear their actual voices. This conflict plays out externally in the interludes, but also internally, in Kendrick’s lyrics, and in the space where these two planes intersect. Sometimes the tug of war between his parents and his friends occurs within a single song, sometimes indirectly from one song to another. It is to Kendrick Lamar’s great credit that GKMC is stronger when looked at as a single piece of work than as a series of individual tracks.

The tension that drives the album is established in the opening song ‘Sherane’, in which Kendrick tells the tale of his first girlfriend; in the final verse, he drives to her house, only to be confronted by two shadowy men en route to her door — the moment his phone rings. The song cuts to an interlude, a voicemail from his mom asking for her van back. Kendrick heightens the drama by squaring off the two opposing forces in a single place in time. In contrast, the interlude ending the 2nd track puts the 3rd and 4th tracks in context. His friend yells, “K-Dot [his nickname], we got a pack of blacks and a beat CD, get your freestyles ready.” Presumably, they are about to kick it.

The next song, ‘Backstreet Freestyle’, features the sort of mindless stuff that comes off the top of a 17-year old’s dome: “Damn I got bitches, damn I got bitches, daaamn I got bitches, wifey girlfriend and mistress.” This proceeds naturally to the next song, ‘The Art of Peer Pressure’ – Kendrick’s storytelling at its finest. Kendrick’s intro is something of his own quasi-interlude. He sings, “really I’m a sober soul…really I’m a peacemaker, but I’m with the homies right now,” at which the beat takes a turn for the melancholy and he dives into the first verse, young prospective gangbangers out one night on the town. “Me and my niggas four deep in the white Toyota/ A quarter tank of gas, one pistol and orange soda/ We on the mission for bad bitches and trouble.” Throughout this unsavory adventure, Kendrick wonders if his bad deeds will suffer karmic justice. Introspection, it seems, is not a trait Kendrick has developed over time. It is something he has carried with him all his life.

Over and over again, peer pressure drives Kendrick to be more hedonistic – causing trouble, and also getting supremely fucked up. In ‘m.a.a.d. city,’ he explains his encounter with PCP-laced weed, voice tweaked to exaggerate his distress: “And they wonder why I rarely smoke now/ imagine if your first blunt had you foamin at the mouth.” In the concluding interlude, his friend chides Kendrick for “always acting all sensitive and shit”, then tells another friend to pass the bottle — a seamless segue into ‘Swimming Pools (Drank)’, the album’s first single. Kendrick externalizes the chorus — “someone said to me/ nigga why you baby sippin only 2 or 3 shots, Imma show you how to turn it up a notch” — in contrast with the second verse, in which he adopts the viewpoint and funky voice of his conscience. Clearly, Kendrick likes to kick it. But clearly kickin it in Compton is a slippery slope. Kendrick directly acknowledges this in the act of creating GKMC. Rapping is an escape from the “funk”, an alternative outlet of self-expression, and ultimately, a route to financial stability.

(Breath.)

As if GKMC’s themes weren’t weighty enough upon the listener, it takes 64 minutes to get through the 11 core songs — 5:45 per song. That is absurd. You might call it longform rap. And while GKMC has elements of Weekend-style R&B and Dre-style g-funk, it mostly reminds me of a jazz album, because of its length and also the ways Kendrick uses that length.

Jazz tends to put emphasis on the soloist rather than on the hook. Most of the hooks on GKMC take the backseat to Kendrick’s verses. The persistent interludes and the fact that a few songs are actually two songs in one track further dilute the importance of the hook. The interludes actually sort of serve as the hook for the album as a whole. It’s like how John Coltrane uses a specific melodic theme on A Love Supreme to bring unity between the four esoteric movements.

Improvising comes off the dome — there is a stream of consciousness to GKMC, both in the way the album looks back into Kendrick’s memories. Improvising is about phrasing, making shapes, variations on shapes, also shaping the entire solo and song into a single aesthetic whole. You see this in the way Kendrick uses different voices to set different moods. His main organizing principle is rhyme schemes rather than lyrics, putting him into a box and actually forcing him to stretch his imagination to find the right word and overall image. On ‘Compton’, he dubs himself “King Kendrick Lamar”, something he wouldn’t have done if it didn’t alliterate.

I don’t mean to put Kendrick in the league of Coltrane. But whereas some hip-hop invokes jazz by using jazz harmonies in beats, GKMC invokes jazz in the way it is constructed — the way it emphasizes Kendrick’s internality, the de-emphasis of hooks, the longform, and in the way his rhyme schemes function as chord progressions — giving himself parameters that in a way expands his melodic potential.

(Breath.)

If Section.80 showed Kendrick’s awareness of where he exists in time, GKMC shows his awareness of where he exists in both space and time, in the context of Los Angeles. The album reeks of LA. It features verses from the progenitors of LA hip-hop, Dr. Dre and MC Eiht. The first two big rap groups out of Compton were N.W.A., led by Dre, and Compton’s Most Wanted, led by Eiht. Both groups emerged around 1990, not long after the crack epidemic broke out. The Compton known to Kendrick was largely shaped by that influx of crack. GKMC is about the Compton of the last 25 years, the lifespan of Kendrick himself. Compton, Compton, Compton. Kendrick has trouble escaping it, and neither can the listener. A lot of rappers talk about life in the hood, but rarely do they do it with the detail and persistence of Kendrick on GKMC. He applies the constant heat and action of LA’s 12-month summer to his accounts of Compton, which seems both to him and to us as the unblinking eye.

Good kid, m.A.A.d. city is not the easiest album to listen through. It’s not very catchy, and it is easy to grow weary of the long songs and long verses and persistent interludes. This density is the album’s shortcoming, but at least it came from a conscious, artistic decision. GKMC is one of the greatest artistic achievements in hip-hop’s brief history. It establishes Kendrick Lamar as one of the most creative MCs and deepest thinkers in the game. He is emotional, but not emo like Drake in Take Care. Both are relatively internally inclined rappers, but the distinction is that Kendrick looks deep inside himself as a lens to capture the essence of Compton and the state of the black ghetto in America. Just as the chorus in GKMC’s final song croons, “Compton, Compton, ain’t no city quite like mine” — there is no rapper quite like Kendrick Lamar, who goes through life with his hoodie up.

The New Breed of Seahawk

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Sports

Oct 19, 2012


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This past Sunday, New England led the Seahawks 23-10 in the 4th quarter when Tom Brady locked eyes with dreadlocked Seattle cornerback Richard Sherman. “He looked at me like, ‘talk to me after the game,’” Sherman later said. “It’s just one of these things where I think Newton’s third law of motion applies. Every action has an equal or greater reaction.”

The Seahawks scored two late touchdowns to squeeze by the Patriots 24-23 for one of the most dramatic regular season victories in team history. Sherman took care not to do Isaac Newton right after the game.

“Me and Earl walked up to him and said, ‘We’re greater than you. We’re better than you. You’re just a man — we’re a team.’” An hour later, he tweeted the above picture, setting off an instant firestorm among the New England faithful. “Patriots fans mad lol…” said Sherman in his next tweet. “Talking bout Super Bowl rings…. What have u done lately? Oh ur 3-3 lol”

That is not a rational statement. One win does not outweigh 3 Super Bowl rings and 5 Super Bowl appearances in the Brady-Belichick era. Sherman doesn’t sound confident – he sounds arrogant.

And yet, I am delighted. Sherman has some attitude. It is significant here that he plays defense and not offense. Unlike on offense, everyone on defense plays with the singular goal of stopping the ball; to play defense, you need that strong carnal instinct. To me, this incident with Sherman shows that he possesses the type of competitive edge that’s essential to success on the defensive side of the football. If he is so happy with the Seahawks win that he talks trash to Brady after the game, then flaunts his trash-talking on Twitter, then backs up his flaunting – he is a real competitor.

Last year the Seahawks secondary anointed itself the Legion of Boom: Sherman, cornerback Brandon Browner, free safety Earl Thomas, and strong safety Kam Chancellor.  Sherman was the only member of the Legion of Boom not to receive an invitation to the 2012 Pro Bowl. Defensive backs are usually small and swift, like 5’11” Darrelle Revis. The Legion of Boom is huge. Chancellor is 6’3”/230, Sherman is 6’3”/200, and Browner is 6’4”/220. Sherman and Browner use their size best on bump-and-run and their length best to deflect balls. They aren’t the quickest, but they have a valuable counterweight in Earl Thomas, who at 5’10” uses his short legs to accelerate quickly from his position in center field; he has as much range as any safety in the league. So while these cornerbacks play an unorthodox style, their secondary is consonant as a whole.  Shit is working. Right now the Seahawks rank 5th in total defense and 3rds in scoring defense.

The Seahawks gave up 200 more yards to the Patriots than they had to any team all season. The Pats put together back to back 80-yard touchdown drives in the 1st half. But from then on, they scored only 9 points on 5 trips to the red zone. Sherman and Thomas each had a 2nd half interceptions, and the defense forced back-to-back punts with their offense down 13 points in the 4th quarter. They held Tom Brady to his lowest rating of the season.

Last night, the Seahawks lost 13-6 to the 49ers. They are 4-3. But still, this is the most exciting Seahawks season since they went 13-3 en route to the Super Bowl in 2005. Something feels different. New Nike uniforms help relieve the unsavory stank of the last 4 years (combined 23-41). The defense is young – rookie Bruce Irvin is on pace for double-digit sacks, rookie Bobby Wagner starts at middle linebacker. Starting OLB K.J. Wright is 23; Thomas is 23; Sherman is 24; Chancellor is 24; Browner is 28, but in only his second year in the league after a stint in the CFL. QB Russell Wilson is 23. Marshawn Lynch leads the league in yards after contact. It’s a youth movement…something great is in the works.

Shannon Sharpe once said,”Ray Lewis is the type of guy, if he were in a fight with a bear I wouldn’t help him, I’d pour honey on him because he likes to fight. That’s the type of guy Ray Lewis is.” Ray Lewis and Ed Reed applied the mischievous traditions they learned as Miami Hurricanes to the Baltimore Ravens, making it the most fearsome defense in the NFL for over a decade. They are animals, with no regard for human life. The Ravens D has been the Muhammad Ali of the league. But now Lewis is out for the year. The Seahawks D feels like the new Ravens. Fearless. Dickish. Brotherhood.

At the very least, they are giving the city of Seattle a sports team with a real edge, which was last seen in the Gary Payton/Shawn Kemp era in the mid-90s (Payton is still an active trash-talker on Twitter). The Mariners can’t score for shit, nor will they ever in the cavernous Safeco Field. The Sonics are gone. The Sounders are good, but the MLS is lame. It’s fun to rally around athletes who want nothing in life more than to win. If they talk excessive shit as a symptom, and if they can back up that sass, it’s even more fun. After the Tom Brady incident, Richard Sherman said, “People, they don’t look at the film. They don’t analyze anything. That’s why these analysts and commentators need to shut their mouth.”  Amazing. I’d like to thank Sherman, the Legion of Boom, and the 2012 Seattle Seahawks for restoring my faith in humanity.

Kanye’s Apotheosis

by

Frankie Pavia

Season Categories Published
MP00 Music

Sep 30, 2012


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“G.O.O.D. woulda been God, except I added more O’s”

Cruel Summer is Kanye West’s child.  The album was technically released under the name of his label, G.O.O.D. Music.  He doesn’t rap on every song.  Yet when he is not at the forefront rapping, he is lurking in the shadows, organizing and crafting the album exactly the way he wants it.  The album’s purpose isn’t to please critics – he could care less about them.  He uses the other artists on G.O.O.D. Music to create a barrier between him and the outside world, instead opting to take absolute control over what he can – his label.

The first song of the album is “To the World” featuring R. Kelly.  The chorus is simple: “Let me see you put your middle fingers up, to the world, to the world, to the world.”  There has always been a “fuck the world” edge to Kanye’s music, but he rarely lays it out in terms this clear.  He is creating a divide between him and everyone else – not just within the rap game, but in life.  To do so, he enlists R. Kelly, one of few whose exploits have been as, well, misunderstood as Kanye’s.  Kelly’s verse is funny and reflects his own middle finger to the world- “The whole world is a couch / Bitch I’m Rick James tonight” but only serves to set up West’s eventual entrance

Within fifteen seconds, Kanye begins the trend that defines Cruel Summer – equating himself to God.  “Hmm, ain’t this some shit / pulled up in the A-V-entador / and the doors rise up like praise the Lord.”  The doors are only opening for Kanye – he is the Lord in this line.  The verse continues, and he eventually concludes, “R. Kelly and the God of rap / shittin’ on you, holy crap.”  Never mind the missed opportunity to make this the greatest lyric of all time by replacing shittin’ with pissin’, Kanye establishes just what religious idol he is – the God of rap.  Not a God of rap.  Kanye sees no pantheon, no Mount Rushmore of rappers.  He sees only himself on top, everyone who isn’t his subject sitting in a pile of his divine feces.

This is not an isolated incident.  The allusions pile up through the entire album. Kanye references making something from nothing (feeding the masses), people saying “There the God go in his Murcielago” as he drives past, Moses parting the Red Sea for him, the difficulty of preaching the gospel to the slums, and more.

Kanye isn’t foolish enough to deify himself unjustly, he simply defines both God and rap in a different way.  He knows that he will never be the God of rapping.  He knows that nobody will ever be the God of rapping.  It is a title too subjective to be absolute.

The next song, “Clique” establishes that there is a group of people immune to his divine wrath – his clique.  Big Sean and Jay Z, featured on the track, represent the old and new guards of the clique.  It is perhaps the hardest song on the album.  But moreover the song establishes which members of his audience Kanye doesn’t care about.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOrLNHbEzMg]

Cruel Summer was not created for those who would listen to the album critically.  All micro-motives within it eventually tie back to Kanye establishing himself as the God.  On “Clique” he raps, “My girl a superstar all from her home movie / bow on our arrival, the un-American idols.”  He could care less that his girlfriend is most famous for a video of her having sex with another dude – he still expects people to bow before him like a God when he rolls up.

Mercy” reveals more terms of Kanye’s godliness.  The song starts with verses from Big Sean and Pu$ha T, both firing on all cylinders over a bass-driven banger beat.  Kanye is obviously going to rap next, but when he comes in, the beat morphs into a choral, church-like “ahhhh” overlain by electronic pulsations.  When his verse is done, the beat reverts back to its original form, 2 Chainz spits, and the song concludes.

We see an distinct disconnect between Kanye and the stable of rappers he features on the album.  He descends from above to rap over a beat he has no business rapping on.  Mercy should have belonged to the three trapstars, not him.  So when he does spit, the beat has to change to adapt.

Yet West is absolutely crucial to the song.  “Mercy” was the first single released off the album and was a radio hit.  If the song was just Big Sean, Pu$ha T, and 2 Chainz, it would have been viewed as an interesting collaboration. But with Kanye? It blew up.  Much of Cruel Summer is devoted to the development and popularization of rappers either signed to G.O.O.D. Music, or whose struggle he admires – 2 Chainz, Big Sean, and Pu$ha T are prime examples.  Kanye is their God.  Pu$ha admits as much on the first line of “New God Flow” – “I believe there’s a God above me.” The illusion is striking within the context of a verse about Pu$ha’s willingness to play the role of Shyne to Kanye’s Puffy.  Their success depends on Kanye and his benevolence.  All experienced a degree of success before, but know that Kanye’s push could grant them superstardom.

G.O.O.D. Music is not meant to be a rap supergroup, but a collection of talented artists who depend on Kanye.  Megagroups typically take time to stratify by talent, but Kanye’s crew begins that way.  He doesn’t want them to be another Wu Tang – he brings Ghostface and Raekwon on consecutive tracks to implicitly affirm their approval of his Kanye clan.

At the halfway point of the album, Kanye drops out, only appearing on two of the last six songs.  He instead lets his underlings shine, their God acting only as the producer behind the scenes, driving their successes by giving them beats perfectly suited for their styles.

The album concludes with a remix of Chief Keef’s “Don’t Like.”  Accomplishing this is what ultimately cements his status as God over his domain.  In taking control of Chief Keef’s destiny, Kanye transforms him from 16-year-old one-hit-wonder to potential superduperstar.  The much more talented rappers surround Chief Keef on the track, but rather than killing him, they rap in stunted chunks, mimicking Keef’s style.  They are all riding together.

Kanye begins his verse with one final comparison between himself and Jesus before piecing together a strange string of seemingly unconnected ideas.  He eventually concludes with a shoutout to his new subject, “Chief Keef, King Louie, this is Chi(cago) right? Right?

Kanye creates a system for himself in which he can be God.  For those signed to him, Kanye is omnipotent.  After Chief Keef attempted to revolt against his lord, Kanye revoked his support and Keef has gone back to being a sideshow.

Kanye has long been expected to complete the initial arc of his album releases and drop Good Ass JobCruel Summer was not an attempt to boost his status in the eyes of critics or to move up the ladder of the greatest lyricists.  His name alone dictates that expectations for any album he drops are too lofty to ever be met.  So he doesn’t try to meet them.  Why bother making Good Ass Job when people will deride it as worse than The College Dropout, Late Registration, and Graduation? Tupac famously said to Bad Boy on “Hit ‘Em Up,” “Ima let my little homies ride on yo’ bitch-made ass.” Kanye says the same thing to the critics.  He makes his album a middle finger to the world, instead preferring to rule his own sovereign kingdom and be the God of G.O.O.D. Music.

Music We Gave Our Children

by

Jeremiadus

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MP00 Music

Sep 13, 2012


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I was born in 1957. When I was young, I lived only in the musical present. I had no choice. And it separated me from my parents, who owned an old LP record player with one speaker and about six albums. My Fair Lady. Sinatra. When it came to music, there was simply nothing for us to talk about. They listened to On the Street Where You Live and I listened to Purple Haze. And I have to wonder if the generation gap of the 1960s might have dissolved had parents and children shared music as they can today.

Now it’s 2012 and rock music is dead. What do I think of its successor? Well I actually like rap music. And one of the reasons I like rap music is that my children love rap music, and because rap is so creatively open and generous, I’ve learned a lot about all kinds of music from listening to them listen to rap. But my children don’t only listen to rap, and it also pleases me enormously that the music they turn to then is the music of the 1970s, the music I grew up with. Ask any kid who knows about music. Their fallback band is Earth Wind & Fire.

My own children like music from the 1960s. They appreciate rock. They love Hendrix, like Zeppelin, respect Dylan, enjoy the Allman Brothers, and are curious about the Grateful Dead. But both rock and rap are “hot”. Their rhythms are pounding and invasive. And when my kids don’t listen to rap, they like to chill. And when the like to chill, they listen to music from the 1970s. Especially R&B. Marvin Gaye, Earth Wind & Fire, and The Isley Brothers. Especially reggae. Bob Marley, of course, but also Toots & the Maytals, Jimmy Clif, and Third World. And also early funk banks such as Kool and the Gang , Sly and the Family Stone, The Gap Band, Parliament and Funkadelic. They’ll recognize the Average White Band (and assume they’re black, not Scottish).  They’ll recognize and relish tunes like Love on a Two Way Street.

One of the reasons my kids know these bands is rap artists have freely sampled their music. For example, the Average White Band is the 15th most sampled band in history. But the sampling begs the question – why sample this music? And the answer is not only interesting, it reflects back on my own teenage years, and my ability to connect with my children musically in ways I could not with my parents.

Let’s put some facts on the table. Almost every one of these artists from the 1970s is black, which creates continuity with the dominant racial identity of the most popular American musicians today – Kanye West, Nas, and Jay-Z. But these artists in the 1970s all operated in a space free for innovation that makes their music timeless and allows it to transcend its racial roots.

By the middle of the 1970s, Motown’s grip on black musicians had disappeared; allowing a period of creativity to emerge based on non-formulaic experimentation. This experimentation laid the foundations for the continued evolution of creative African-American musical genres based on fusion concepts well into the 21st century (consider the collaboration between Nas and Damian Marley).

At the same time, the war in Vietnam had essentially ended and with the resignation of Richard Nixon from his presidency, the cultural connection with the 1960s broke. Not only did this herald the death of rock music, which had for a decade been defined by anger and rebellion, it also created an open space in which different kinds of music could flourish. When you listen to Earth Wind & Fire or The Isley Brothers or even reggae in the 1970s, you don’t hear the thumping drums and bass of Jefferson Airplane or The Who or Cream. You hear melodic music emphasizing crooning vocals, lush horns, and rhythmic guitar.

The music of the 1970s does not communicate alienation. Even Bruce Springsteen, whose career began in the early 1970s, changed rock by building his career around performances that celebrated the music and altogether lacked the alienation or anger of the 1960s. Springsteen never used drugs. He did not die at 27.

I heard this music as a teenager when it was new and fresh, before it was sampled. I heard it on radios or on 8-track players in cars filled with friends driving down country roads on summer evenings with windows down and warm breezes washing faces wide with wonder. It was music ripe for a period, not of innocence, but of relief. We were at peace. We had hope. We could laugh.

That it is this music which my children turn to when they do not listen to contemporary music is telling. They could listen to music from other decades. But this music is still fresh. Listen to just about anything by Earth Wind & Fire (That’s the Way of the World, September, Sing a Song), The Isley Brothers (Who’s That Lady, Summer Breeze, Caravan of Love), Bob Marley (Buffalo Soldier, Jammin, No Woman No Cry), Third World (Now That We’ve Found Love), or Love on a Two-Way Street. You’ll experience great music that celebrates life and has shed the anger and confusion of the previous decade.

Music in the 1970s was also a period of invention. Funk drove musical innovation in this decade and poetry over funk and hard funk loops laid the foundations for the emergence of hip-hop in the 1980s. We could not have anticipated this evolution in the 1970s, but we clearly appreciated the ingenuity and humor of Sly & the Family Stone, Kool & the Gang, and anything involving George Clinton.

What my children appreciate – and what provides the basis for easy conversation about popular music that crosses decades – is that modern music is so freely derivative and generous in its incorporation of other music from distinct genres and other periods of time. Hip-hop is all about fusion, and fusion with music that is itself so open and innovative and eternally fresh comes naturally. So when I hear my kids playing Earth Wind & Fire, my heart opens because what they communicate to me is priceless: the feeling I share with them of being forever young.

Nate Dogg: Plight of the Pimp

by

Frankie Pavia

Season Categories Published
MP00 Music

Sep 09, 2012


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When Danny asked me to write about Nate Dogg, the gears in my brain immediately started spinning.  It’ll be easy, I thought, to write a tribute to my most beloved musician.  If only.

I thought about reactions different people had when I told them my favorite artist was Nate Dogg. West Coast folks usually at least knew who he was, but the average respondent couldn’t name one of his songs beyond “Regulate.” East Coasters asked, “You mean Snoop Dogg?” forcing me to perform incredible feats of self-restraint in not pimp-slapping them on the spot for being ignorant.

Nate Dogg is perhaps most widely recognized for being on the forefront of the G-Funk movement.  Actually, the above paragraph shows I know jack shit about the broad perception of Nate Dogg.  In any case, helping create G-Funk is how Nate Dogg really came up in the game.

The public’s first exposure to Nate was ever so appropriately via “Deeez Nuuuts” off Dr. Dre’s The Chronic in 1992.  After Dre, Snoop, and Daz Dillinger (then known as “Dat Nigga Daz”) finish rapping, Nate comes in on the outro, sings “Aaaaaaaye can’t be faaaaded, I’m a nigga from the mothafuckin… streets” four times, then shows off his incredible vocal range for eight bars, all the while repping Dre and Death Row to the fullest.  The very next song on the album features Nate on the hook, showing off a vibrato that can only be described as ghetto-opera in style.  All of the sudden, Nate Dogg was prominent in the public eye.

Soon after, in perhaps his most famous appearance, Nate costarred with Warren G in the hit “Regulate.” Costarred might be the wrong word.  Nate stole the show. Let’s examine the story arc of the song.  Warren G is whippin’ through Long Beach trying to find some female companionship for the evening.  He soon gets distracted by a dice game and decides he wants to join.  He “jumps out the ride and says what’s up” before the people in the game pull guns on him, taking his rings, Rolex, and dignity.  Warren G is, essentially, Ashy Larry from Chappelle’s Show.

Luckily for Warren G, Nate Dogg is on the scene.  He’s looking for Warren, fending off lady-folk who try to approach him, because he keeps his eyes on the prize.  Unlike Warren G.  Nate realizes he’d “best pull out his strap and lay them bustas down,” scattering Warren’s attackers, saving his bitch ass, and in the process, Regulatin’.

The rest of the story is rather simple.  Nate retraces his steps to the girls he previously ignored, picks them up, and provides a couple to Warren G before they hit the next stop, the Eastside Motel.  After a chorus break, Nate proclaims his and G-funk’s place on top of the rap game.

G-Funk was a subgenre that fit Nate perfectly, and he knew that.  During its brief (roughly 1992-1995) era of dominating West Coast hip-hop, Nate experienced what was essentially his only period of superstardom.  Mainstream eventually left G-Funk behind, Nate never departed from it.

G-Funk, “Gangsta Funk,” allowed Nate Dogg to combine the formative elements and locales of his upbringing.  His voice was developed in the gospel choirs of Mississippi, while his personality and worldview were shaped by running the streets of Long Beach with his cousin Snoop Dogg during his teenage years.  G-Funk allowed the synthesis of his distinctive musical sound and gangsta lifestyle.

His first album, G-Funk Classics, Vol. 1 & 2, was released in 1998, long after G-Funk had fallen from its perch atop hip-hop.  His second album, 2001’s Music and Me, saw slightly better sales, but did not re-vault Nate into the upper echelon of rap.

Hip-hop is distinctly regional – the first label every artist receives is their coast, city, or hometown.  Rappers then seek to rep that label, spreading the predetermined message of their locale.  At first glance, Nate Dogg’s message seems to be a simple one: “Disregard females, acquire currency” – that of a pimp.  The album cover of Music and Me agrees with this interpretation.

Woven into the majority of lyrics on his own songs are tales of him tooting it and booting it when YG was still a toddler.  But on occasion, Nate reveals more to himself that just that, an unexpected depth of character explaining his ability to make a commitment to a single woman.  On “Scared of Love,” he croons, “When they asked me why I don’t like love / Or why I don’t have a lady / Maybe it’s because I know / As soon as I tell her how I feel about her / As soon as I act like I love her, she’s gone”

While the expression of interest by the female is often the reason Nate ceases contact with that individual, he has undergone the same experience himself.  We see a similar instance on “Never Leave Me Alone,” Nate telling us, “They tell me that temptation / Ooh, is very hard to resist / You tell me that you want me / I tried to hide my feelings, D-O-G’s ain’t supposed to feel like this”

The true Nate Dogg is hard to identify.  Is he a real P-I-M-P, as he proclaims on the aptly named song?  Is he scared that he will never find that special someone?  The idea begins to emerge that Nate doesn’t even truly know who he is, perhaps unable to reconcile the pull of Mississippi religion with Long Beach pimpin’.  With time, his lyrics eliminate this tension.  He drifts away from sensitivity and into misogyny.  Abandoning the intricacies and difficulties of relationships and attachment, Nate instead settles in to the role of using women.  He distances himself from any potential emotional distress by establishing a disconnect between his body and mind, essentially leaving his mind behind.  Why worry about love when you can take on the persona of a pimp?

Nate Dogg was unable to find commercial success in his attempts to preach the lifestyle of Long Beach and the gospel sound of Mississippi.  In order to reach a broader audience, Nate adopted an alternative strategy – singing the hooks on other rappers’ singles, branding himself as a key ingredient in making a top song.  Again, with only eight to sixteen bars to establish his message, nothing as emotionally complex as his early work can be eluted from his verses.

Unfortunately, Nate was taken from this world too soon.  From late 2008 to his death in 2011, he was confined to bed after a series of strokes.  He was essentially unable to speak during this time, his incredible voice never to return.  It wasn’t until about 2006 that I truly became a Nate Dogg fanatic, along with a friend of mine.  Upon reading about how his mother was reading fan letters aloud to Nate while he attempted recovery, we vowed to write him.  We never did.

How can I, how can any middle-class white kid relate to hip-hop the way we do? Why did Nate Dogg’s music touch me in such a profound way?  Why does it continue to do so?  Every teenager and young adult is scrapping through life, dealing with pain, pleasure, acceptance, and rejection, trying to find out who they really are.  We see Nate Dogg take on this same experience, and, rather than fighting it, taking the flight response we all so desperately want to fall back upon.  Why cope with the hardships of searching for love and companionship when Nate Dogg can forget all about it, sing, engage in only physical relationships, pimp, and hey-ey-ey-ey-ey, smoke weed every day?

Does Nate Dogg take the easy way out by doing this? I don’t think so.  He simply takes the Epicurean view of the world, seeing pleasure as the absence of pain.  Did he follow this philosophy in life? Not so much.  It appears that he was a pretty jealous guy.  Adopting his musical persona, Nate Dogg realized that he could distance himself from everything that could potentially harm his soul, so he did.  His greater purpose in life was to bring happiness to those who listened to his music, realizing that choruses on others’ hits were the perfect medium to accomplish that.  He escaped from his problems by singing.  Along the way, he happened to unearth one of the great philosophical truths of the past two decades: Pimpin’ can, in fact, be easy.

Music in the New World: USA v Brasil

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Music Travel

Sep 03, 2012


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“Foreigner’s love us for our jazz” – Kurt Vonnegut

When Noam Chomsky spoke at Williams last year, he said that “America is the world leader in terrorism according to its own definition of the term.” I buy that. In the 20th century, our country has wrought death and despair upon many countries around the globe, and they look back at us through resentful eyes. But for all our faults. we have given these people something that they fully accept into their hearts: our music. Even for Alexander de Tocqueville in the 1830s, America seemed destined for greatness. And while our foreign policy has frequently erred off its due course, our cultural hegemony is the purest argument for the endurance of American exceptionalism.

In order to better understand the nature of the music of the United States, I wanted to travel to a country with similar historical circumstances: Brazil. Like America, Brazil was a New World state with immense wealth of natural resources and access to cheap labor from West Africa. Slavery was so integral to these economic systems that it wasn’t abolished until 1863 in America and 1888 in Brazil. The two nations entered a new era of racial interaction around the same time. The rhythmic traditions of West Africa preserved by slaves mingled with the orchestral traditions of Europe; the instruments, dance steps, and musical vocabulary of two “older” continents — Africa and Europe — coalesced to create new forms of music that would serve as outlets for lower-class black people of two “new” continents. In Brazil, choro and samba. In America, blues and jazz.

What did I care about any of this? Clarence Acox, my high school jazz band director, called the blues ‘indigenous North American folk music’. He was a black man from the 9th Ward of New Orleans, and we were a bunch of nerdy white kids. Such was the nature of Garfield High School, where white kids were bussed into the heart of Seattle’s blackest neighborhood. This eclectic mixture gave Garfield an electric charge, and us young white boys were proud to play our part. Race and music are two essential components of my identity, and my time at Garfield taught me that great things can happen when two cultures mix.

So the purpose of my study was to compare the brother musical traditions of America and Brazil, birthed by the same continental parents, yet different in character. Because of the historical parallels between the two countries, one cannot separate their respective musical identities from their cultural and racial contexts. My trip to Rio de Janeiro, Salvador, Recife, and Natal granted me insight into the social foundations for Brazilian music. Perhaps more importantly, it shed perspective on the special ability of American music to transcend cultural boundaries and profoundly influence a country like Brazil that derives a particular identity from its unique language, unique geography, unique history, unique racial mixing, and unique music. I aimed to understand the nature of Brazil, and I yearned to develop a sense of patriotism and feeling for my country that had done nothing but neglect its duties as a global leader during my time on Earth.

My itinerary was admittedly sparse. I was determined to keep things open-ended because I conflated scheduling with tourism. I didn’t want to commodify my experience — I wanted it to come naturally. I craved organic authenticity, to the point that it undermined itself and became its own commodity. On some level, I treated Brazil like a famous painting, something I wanted to see just to have seen it. I severely underestimated the power of the language barrier, and the ability of music to overcome it. I studied some Portuguese prior to the trip online, and took classes three hours a day for a month while in Rio, but it was not until the end of my 8-week trip that I was able to understand what people said. I was naive to think that we all live in a global community, that our essential humanness that we share is enough to make valuable connections. It’s not.

I had helpful contacts who pointed me in the right direction, and I made a few good friends with whom I shared a few good times, but no one to whom I could fully relate my predicament. With few plans and without local savvy, I walked around to avoid inertia and orient myself. These wanderings debunked the faint image in my head of Brazil as an escapist fantasyland. Sometimes things got interesting. Once, when wandering near a favela, a crusty old black man spit on me. Cool! I thought. Authentic racial resentment! Once, I took the wrong bus, ended up winding through third-world Salvador, hopped on a random bus, ended up at some dilapidated bus station, and ended up getting robbed by three guys of my wallet, but more importantly my best friends in Brazil — my backpack and my pocket dictionary. I spent hours sitting in the police station waiting to be helped, wallowing in despair and anger with my head in my hands. A few cops ended up taking me out for drinks and even let me hold their gun. At the end of the day, I couldn’t help but think about it all. Cool, the world of authentic Brazilian crime!

The best way to absorb Brazilian culture was often to engage in quotidian day-to-day activities. I walked. I went to the market, my friend’s family’s party, his church (there was a soup festival after the service). For my first week in Rio, before I moved to a better-located area, I spent two hours each way commuting to language school — bus, ferry, subway.  My TV in Salvador had about 7 channels that nicely sum up Brazilian priorities: three network channels, two evangelical channels, and two music performance channels. I fried my computer with a double dose of voltage my first day in Brazil, which in retrospect was probably a good thing. The internet cafe became my only sanctuary, a place where I could put on a pair of headphones and revert to the comforts of Facebook and ESPN.com.

I hung out around capoeira street performances. Capoeira is a blend of martial arts and dance descended from slaves who attempted to fend off several captors at once, using high kicks with their hands tied behind their backs. These performances were geared towards tourist, but I watched them thinking about what my language school friend Daniel from South Carolina had told me. “These days, you’re either in your own space or you’re having casual sex with somebody,” he said. “With capoeira, there’s a moderate level of intimacy that’s hard to find in life. You strike a physical and spiritual balance with your partner.”

This moderate intimacy is everywhere in Brazil. People have smaller personal bubbles. Men err on the side of homophobia — at least 5 guys asked me if I was a ‘Bambi’ directly after asking what my name was — but touching the man to whom you are speaking is normal. Dancing is simply more fundamental to Brazilians than it is to Americans. I saw an old couple get up at their table in a restaurant and start dancing. I saw a female contestant on a game show dance upon request for about 45 seconds. She was seductive, but not sexual. Once when lost, I happened upon a random apartment and saw a woman dancing as if possessed in the middle of a drum circle. Brazilians have a predilection to casual offer up a small token of personal expression. I suspect that Brazil’s racial mixing has caused for greater absorption of the “African” cultural characteristics – drums and dancing.

The most efficient way to jump in Brazil was to go out to performances. Lapa, Rio de Janeiro’s big nightlife district, held a smorgasbord of musical performances. At 10pm every Friday, a drumline would come out onto the street and play for an hour to promote a hip-hop show at 11pm. 50 yards down the road, a single man valiantly fought battled to win over their audience with a 90-minute drum kit solo. Another 50 yards down the road, under the white aqueduct that marked the entrance to Lapa, a group of old men played samba in a circle. The row of bars and music venues had samba, choro, forro, jazz, and bossa nova, but it was more exciting (and affordable) to soak up the ambience out on the street.

I developed a theory that the one of the biggest influences on Brazilian culture is the weather. I was around for their winter, and not once did the temperature dip below 60 Fahrenheit. Brazilians are sensitive to weather changes; if it was cloudy in the morning, I learned to expect a sea of umbrellas all day. Parties and performances go later into the night, and are outside. At Lapa, I wouldn’t get home til 4 or 5am. That would never happen in the US. Attitudes towards time are relaxed. People don’t wear suits because its hot – business casual can be formal attire.

Futbol is huge, and the weather plays a part in this. Seattle grows a disproportionate amount of basketball talent, but not very much football talent. This is because it rains all the time, so people play sports in the gym. What countries are best at hockey? Canada, Sweden, Russia. The crux of Brazilian socializing is the boteco – an open-faced bar with tables that spill out onto the sidewalk and street. Once I was on my way to get dinner and watch a soccer game, and walked by a boteco with a large group playing and singing samba de mesa – table samba. Two hours later on my way home, they were still going at it. The weather influences instrumentation; good weather reduces the need for piano and drum kit, indoor instruments capable of performing multiple jobs at once. The guitar and its variants are reign supreme — there is the standard six=string guitar (violao), a 5-string (viola), and ukelele-like 4-string cavaquinho. Accordians, portable pianos at heart, are more common. At a typical samba circle, several people play percussion, one guy plays guitar, one guy plays cavaquinho, and everybody sings. Not in the harmony of the American gospel choir or barbershop quartet — they sing in unison.

I wasn’t sad to bid Brazil farewell when 8 weeks had passed. I was ecstatic. I missed napkins that weren’t plastic. I missed ketchup that didn’t taste like congealed cough medicine. Mostly, I just missed not having to tell people “fale devagar” – speak slowly. These 8 weeks had altered my perspective on America. It wasn’t just Brazil’s cultural idiosyncrasies — the tiny garbage cans, the constant use of the dorky thumbs up signal. It wasn’t even their appreciation for American music — the favela with a Michael Jackson statue, the guitarist I met at church who worshipped John Mayer, the guy who rented me his bodyboard who loved Mariah Carey and R Kelly.

For three weeks in Rio, I lived next door to a Frenchman named Sebastian who had moved there with his wife six months prior. Sebastian’s occupation was street performer. He went out and crooned jazz ballads from the 30s and bossa nova tunes from the 60s. He spoke fluent English, so we hit it off and played together – bossa tunes, Ellington tunes. I was a better guitar player than he was, but had little confidence to use my singing voice. Sebastian did not. His voice was sultry and conditioned by the natural melodiousness and elegance of the French language. He told me he made twice as much money when he sang as when he did not. “People are attracted the human voice,” he said. This reminded me of the great pianist Bill Evans, who looked at a song’s lyrics when he played rather than the musical score.

One night Sebastian and I went down to the boteco for a beer. He was versed in Portuguese well enough to hold a conversation, and elicited no second glance from the waiter as he ordered an ice-cold, flavorless Antarctica. The waiter then turned to me. “Um Antarctica pra mim tambem,” I said confidently. An Antarctica for me as well. But my novice accent gave me away, and the waiter gave me a knowing smile. He rattled off a few words to Sebastian that I did not pick up, and they both chuckled. All I could do was give a thumbs up.

We left the boteco around midnight, when warm zephyrs still bathed our skin as we walked. Sebastian threw his hands outward. “My new home!”. His wife was finishing up her sociology doctorate, and she hoped to find work in Rio thereafter. In Brazil, I was most happy in moments like these, when I spent time with people who spoke English. Rio is the most spectacular city I have yet seen, with its milieu pressed dramatically up against giant walls of rock, its pristine beaches, its excitable rhythms that spill out into the street. But over and over in Rio and Brazil I labored to communicate, in this place I loved that was not my home.

Rooting for Lebron

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Sports

May 29, 2012


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If there is one thing America hates, it’s a bitch. America loves the alpha male. For example, when the Miami Heat were down 2-0 in the 2006 NBA Finals, Dwyane Wade put the team on his back and scored 40 points a game the rest of the series to give the Heat the title. That was a classic American performance.

So in 2010, when reigning league MVP Lebron James announced he would be leaving his hometown Cleveland Cavaliers to join the Heat, America gagged. The Heat were already Wade’s team. His decision confirmed the mindset behind his inclination to pass the ball at critical junctures in the 2010 playoffs, rather than shoot. After the Decision, Lebron might as well have tattooed ‘I’m a huge bitch’ on his forehead.

After Lebron announced his Decision at the end of an hour-long ESPN special filmed in Greenwich CT, he joined his new teammates for an 11-month premature title celebration. It was so, so arrogant. But America is down with arrogance. 90% of golf fans root for Tiger Woods to win that elusive major championship, including myself. His text conversations with porn stars told us that he is one of the most prolific douchebags of our time, but also that he sure as hell wasn’t a bitch. At any rate, we want him to succeed. America turned on Lebron because he joined the wrong team. If he went the Knicks, everyone would have forgotten the excessive fanfare because his new team would be his team.

There’s only one person America hates more than Lebron, and thats Justin Bieber, who is Canadian. thus making Lebron the most widely-hated American today. I know this because of the YouTube top comment system, where one person writes the comment, and everyone else gives it a thumbs up. Upvoting: the democracy of the internet. There are only two public figures who get a steady dose of shit: Bieber and Lebron, those high-profile perceived bitches. Bieber as a symbol of bad music and the female gender: Lebron for his passive tendencies in important situations, and for his receding hairline, which for anyone else would be considered below the belt. But not for Lebron.

I only became a Lebron fan after he moved to the Heat, and it was a conscious decision. Right now he is my favorite athlete, by far. He’s all I got. The Seahawks and Mariners are mediocre, and the Sonics have long since mutated into the Oklahoma City Thunder (for which I explain my consequent depression here). The relocation of the Sonics roughly coincided with Lebron’s relocation to Miami, and as the Thunder become more dominant, more chic, more distant from their past in Seattle, so my affection for Lebron grows, and now in the Eastern Conference Finals it is reaching a fever pitch. If I had the choice between a night with Kate Upton and Lebron getting a championship, I’d take Lebron in a heartbeat.

I want Lebron to succeed on a personal level. Despite all that crap he pulled in the weeks before, during, and after the Decision, he seems like an okay dude who means well, and it irks me to see an okay dude get burned so insistently. He’s like an ant under a magnifying glass on a sunny day. I like his ugly mouthguard. I like the nerdy Nation of Islam casual wear he rocks after games. I like that he organized this powerful Heat tribute to Trayvon Martin. Kobe wouldn’t have done that.

I want Lebron to succeed on a basketball level. He just put together one of the finest seasons in the history in the league, and yet it won’t mean much if he doesn’t come away with a ring. History tends to be written in terms of winners and losers, and I don’t want Lebron to be a loser.

Most importantly, I want Lebron to crush the perception that he’s a bitch. As if he didn’t seem like a big enough bitch after the whole Celtics/Decision debacle, he was passive again in the 2011 Finals, when Dirk put the Mavericks on his back to give them the title. And then he dominated this year’s All-Star Game with 36 points, including 6-8 from beyond the arc, but in the dying seconds with his team down 151-149, and Kobe (playing for the other team) telling him to “shoot the fucking ball”, he chose to pass, and his pass was intercepted. Game over. That bothered me. He couldn’t even man up in the All-Star Game.

Lebron has earned some of America’s begrudging respect back with his phenomenal regular season and the 40-18-9 he put up in a must-win playoff game at Indiana. But the animosity lingers.  Two years ago, Lebron joined the Heat because he wanted to have championships rather than earn them. This so violated America’s principles of hard work and upward mobility that it could never forgive him. America still wants Lebron to fail.

The matchup isn’t set, but the NBA Finals will surely put the Heat against the San Antonio Spurs, who have yet to lose a playoff game and haven’t lost in six weeks. Some are calling the Spurs the best team ever. On the other side, the Heat are a .500 team at best if you remove Lebron from the equation. He has been putting the Heat on his back all season and all through the first two rounds of the playoffs. The Heat’s roster is razor-thin, especially with Chris Bosh injured indefinitely, and the Spurs’ is as deep and experienced as they come.

The Spurs are going to win, barring a Herculean performance by Lebron. It will be the end of the season, and his body won’t be 100%. If the Heat somehow win the title, Lebron won’t have just earned it — he will have taken it. If he can repress his throbbing urge to pass the ball in crunchtime and just drive to the hole, and if that shot goes in, he will have succeeded as a person, a basketball player, and as an American. If it misses, at least he leaves nothing of his determination to our imagination.

5 Epic Guitar Solos

by

Danny Schwartz

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MP00 Music

May 06, 2012


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Rocking out is universal because it’s all about unleashing the inner beast. Volume is critical; it’s more satisfying to yell ‘fuck you’ then mutter it under your breath. As such, we ought to thank the dude who invented the guitar amp for giving the world the gift of rocking out. It’s easy, all you gotta do is grab your guitar and crank up the volume. That said, the best rockers combine the power of the amp with an sensuous, artistic temperament. Here are a few such examples:

John Mayer – Gravity

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ys629ROKYtI

For the longest time, John Mayer was content to sit back and put out cotton candy bullshit like ‘Your Body is a Wonderland’. Then out of nowhere he released ‘Try’ in 2005 and showed the world that he could rock hard, and more importantly, play blues guitar like no one since Stevie Ray Vaughan. Seriously — each solo sounds like a catalogue of Stevie Ray Vaughan licks. It sounds great, but its not authentic Mayer. Gravity is the exception. It embodies the best aspects of his two styles — his blues shreddage side and his corny sensitive chick magnet side. Here he keeps the corny lyrics to a minimum and lets his guitar do the talking for his soft side. Only then does he unleash the full wrath of the gods of rock. This solo doesn’t sound like Stevie Ray Vaughan — it sounds like John Mayer.

Bruce Springsteen – Because the Night

Bruce Springsteen isn’t the best guitarist in his own band (Nils Lofgren is), and it doesn’t matter because the man is simply raw. He pours his complete soul into every syllable and every note. I have a DVD of a 2005 concert in Barcelona — within 15 minutes he is drenched in sweat. He shows you that you don’t need great technique to rock hard. He doesn’t just champion the everyman in his lyrics — he plays guitar like the everyman. He makes me wish I was from Jersey. Bruce is a fucking force of nature, and that’s the only thing that can explain how 40 years later, he is rocking harder than ever.

Guthrie Govan – Waves

Props to Samson Koelle for showing me the light that is GOVAN. For the record this solo is improvised. At first, Waves sounds a lot like that Guitar Hero song Through the Fire and Flames, but I’ve heard that that solo is actually performed on keyboard. And even if it were played on guitar, it wouldn’t hold a candle to Waves. Govan doesn’t even need a snazzy song name to do the talking for him. And as evident at the beginning of this video, you don’t want him to do the talking either. He has no stage presence. He’s the opposite of Springsteen. He isn’t a performer — he is pure, uncut guitar cocaine.

Stanley Jordan – Stairway to Heaven

I’m not sure what Stanley Jordan is wearing, but he is playing two guitars at once. In the original Stairway to Heaven, Jimmy Page’s solo is the culmination of a 6-minute buildup, thus making the payoff that much greater. Jordan starts soloing after less than 4 minutes, and he doesn’t have the benefit of Robert Plant’s backup vocals, and he pretty much just plays the Page solo verbatim, in a jazzier, less exciting manner. But — he is playing two guitars at once.

John Legend and The Roots – I Can’t Write Left Handed

First of all, fuck Vevo. Second of all, this is probably one of the better songs ever written, and Kirk Douglas’ solo derives its dopeness from its context as much as its own merit. John Legend + The Roots + a BIll Withers song = automatic. They kill it. Literally. I doubt anyone could ever top this rendition of the song. by the time John Legend hands it off to Kirk, the song is gasping for air on the ground, all Kirk has to do is bring the hammer down to finish the job. And he brings the Hammer of Thor.

Hopefully this post has deepened your love of rocking out. If you want to share an epic solo, feel free to post it in the comments!

Currently Jockin: Dirty Loops

by

Danny Schwartz

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MP00 Music

Apr 26, 2012


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[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjVGJ3YFDc8]

Justin Bieber’s ‘Baby’ is both the most hated and successful song in the internet era. Its music video has 729 million views on YouTube, 200 million more than the any other video on the web. Fans watch it because they can’t get enough, and haters watch it because it re-energizes their anger towards JB, kind of like jumper cables for Jason Statham in Crank 2. The weird thing about the wide variety of emotional responses to Baby is that the song itself is exceedingly simple, mediocre, and generic. It’s pretty much the lamest song ever. Paradoxically, it is that very lameness that makes it ripe to be covered by one of the most ingenious musical developments in recent memory — Dirty Loops.

In modal jazz, there is one chord rather than a series of chords. Modal jazz is stripped down such that it provides a base over which an improviser can superimpose an unlimited amount of harmonic substitutions. The one chord doesn’t change, so there is incentive for one to expand beyond its basic prescriptions and create a sense of forward harmonic movement as a series of chords might. It is open-ended music. What Dirty Loops realized is that superimposing new chords over the simple melodies and lyrics of songs like Baby is relatively easy. Most of the melodic phrases in Baby use three or less notes. But it’s not like they are moralizing kitschy pop songs by making it high art —- they synthesize jazz, funk, pop, and rock in equal parts, so that Baby retains its fundamental catchiness while being elevated to new levels of sophistication.

The men of Dirty Loops strike me as down-to-earth bros. Their black and white videos are filmed in some basement, where it seems they sit around jamming all day. Did I mention that they are Swedish? They smile a lot in their videos; you can tell they are sharing a meaningful musical experience. And they definitely are. These guys are absolutely incredible musicians. The piano player has chops for days and a killer voice. The drummer holds it down and brings the heat. And the bass player…good god. When I first watched their Baby video, I thought he was offspring of Marilyn Manson and Ash Ketchum. But after three minutes, I was convinced he was the best bass player I had ever heard. He had mastered his instrument.

The first time I heard of Dirty Loops was when they posted their cover of Baby to YouTube in December 2011. Up to that point, they had posted videos of their own versions of Circus by Britney Spears, Rude Boy by Rihanna, and Just Dance by Lady GaGa, and they had released a mixtape with covers like SexyBack by Justin Timberlake, Hot in Herre by Nelly, and Dirrty by Christina Aguilera. I wouldn’t say any of these were worse or better than their cover of Baby; everything they have put out has been straight fire. My personal favorite would be the Rude Boy cover. It incorporates the funky bass and reverb snare of Michael Jackson, the advanced harmonies and aesthetic sensibilities of McCoy Tyner, and the raw energy that makes you want to fucking rage.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9p0liJrxyyM&feature=relmfu]

At any rate, Dirty Loops videos were middling in 5-figure view counts before they posted their cover of Baby, which has scored 2.2 mil views in four months. This spike in viewership is definitely the work of the cult of Bieber. His tween romanticism is nothing more than the younger form of the carnal impulses doled out by Britney, Rihanna, and Gaga. Baby isn’t objectively better or worse than Circus as a song, but because it is so widely and deeply hated, the Dirty Loops cover comes across as some cathartic redemption of justice. And to some extent, it is. But people should relish their cover because it is outstanding and enjoyable music — because that is what Dirty Loops is doing — not just because they hate JB and everything he stands for.

Dirty Loops employs every iota of the musical spectrum, from the esoteric idioms of post-bop to the catchy hooks of the Billboard Top 100. That’s a beautiful thing. That is deep music. You can appreciate their virtuosity, or you can just sing along. Or both. I am currently jockin Dirty Loops, and I have been jockin consistently since the moment I first heard them. These guys are the real deal. They are pop. They are jazz. By combining the two forms, they place themselves in a new category altogether.

The Fruity Sensation That’s Sweeping the Nation

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life

Apr 12, 2012


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In the last year I’ve thought a lot about starting a music blog, but never really did anything about it. Turning 21 a couple weeks ago seemed to have unleashed the yolo in me, because today I’m pulling the trigger. Mangoprism. The epic adventure begins today. And you are coming with me. Allow me to present to you the Mangoprism Manifesto:

1. Mangoprism will lead a long and prosperous blog life.

2. Mangoprism is a music blog, but really it will be about everything.

3. Mangoprism wants you to write for Mangoprism. Yes, you. If you aren’t some variety of snitch or bitch, and you feel compelled to write about something, and you need an outlet…hit me up. If you are having trouble making consistent posts on your own fledgling blog…hit me up. The only requirement is that reading your post must be at least as enjoyable as eating a morsel of mango, the most succulent of fruits. I will hold myself to the same standard.

Say it with me: Mango. Prism. Mangoprism. Let’s make this thang pop. If you are itching to write something — do it! (Yolo.) At best, this is a collaborative effort that pools the talents and passions of many; at worst, it will be just me posting like once a month. Follow on Facebook and Twitter for updates regarding future posts. Giddyup.