Lady Luna, Lady Solstice, and the Oracles of HASBRO
Someone must go on a quest, into a place full of danger—a place with battery included
“Commence the final challenge,” cried the reigning queen, leaning forward from her throne, the better to look down upon the arena, where the two competitors for her queenship stood. “Bring forth the divining circle!”
On a ceremonial pillow, a guard carried the requested relic: a thick disc of black, in which were set bright, curved buttons of gold, ruby, emerald, and sapphire. Together they made a complete circle around a silver word: SIMON.
The guard, terrycloth robe billowing, set the relic down on a wooden plinth between the competitors.
“The batteries!” cried the reigning queen.
“The batteries!” the guard repeated, and produced from his robe pocket a hinged box. Inside were three batteries: two small and cylindrical, one much larger and squared. The guard bowed, turned the round relic over, and opened a hatch in its base. He put the batteries in its hollow places, where they fit, before turning the relic right-side-up once more.
The reigning queen stretched her legs and hopped down from the throne, which rocked back and forth behind her. “Loyal subjects,” she said, in a voice meant to carry to the onlookers all about the stands. “Behold the divining circle, passed down from the great and ancient oracles of HASBRO, who long ago gave us the power to speak with the Gods. Now, we use this awesome gift to establish divine right to the throne. Who among you two candidates can correctly interpret and obey the Gods?”
The candidates—one brunette and the other blonde—shifted their feet on the carpet of the arena, eyes locked on one another.
“The divining circle comprises four colors,” the reigning queen continued, “each color representing the distinct voice of a God: Sage, green God of earth; Ion, yellow God of lightning; Mer, blue God of water; and Obsidian, red God of lava. The rightful queen must heed them all. Together, these Gods’ names spell SIMO—and N, for Neutrality, is the last piece, for the new queen must balance all the Gods’ wills, to bring the queendom divine glory and deflect divine wrath. It will not be an easy task, but it is the task before you nonetheless: the task … of SIMON.”
A great cheer arose from the crowd.
The reigning queen climbed back onto her throne to watch. “The ON switch!” she cried.
“The ON switch!” parroted the guard.
The reigning queen asked: “Who dares be tested first?”
“I do,” said the brunette. Her hands hovered over the divining circle already, though they did tremble.
“Good luck, Lady Luna,” said the reigning queen. “Begin!”
The guard entered the necessary commands to start the challenge, and the diviner burst forth with the first color: red!
Lady Luna pushed the red button.
The diviner flashed red again, but then green, and Lady Luna obeyed. The Gods did express themselves. More colors did appear. On every finger of her right hand, Luna wore a shiny star ring, and flashes from these rings winked into the eyes of onlookers as she repeated the diviner’s pattern. It grew longer, faster: red, green, red again, blue, with blips of sound corresponding.
Twenty-eight signals, twenty-nine, thirty. The divining circle chirped in congratulation, but the people in the stands remained silent. Another color was added to the long tail of commands: Blue, for the God Mer.
Lady Luna began the sequence again, pressing each color in the order she remembered. But, so bent was she upon reaching the God Mer that she skipped yellow Ion, who came before.
RAZZZ the divining circle admonished.
Lady Luna hid her eyes with her hand. The crowd groaned.
“Thirty!” cried the reigning queen.
“Thirty!” confirmed the guard.
“Can you do better, Lady Solstice?” the reigning queen demanded.
“I can try,” said the blonde candidate, and the process began anew.
From the elbow to the wrist of her left hand, Lady Solstice wore twists of golden ribbon. These whipped and flashed as she worked, never missing a signal. Yet, while for Lady Luna the commands had gotten faster, for Lady Solstice they seemed to drag.
“An unfair advantage, she’s got more time to think!” cried the guard, pointing.
“An unfair disadvantage,” the watching Lady Luna muttered without glancing at him. “She’s got more time to forget.”
But Solstice pressed buttons with a steady hand, all in correct order. She’d gotten thirty, and every onlooker waited for the divining circle to add the final color.
Green, so faint.
Lady Solstice’s fingers descended like hail, punching out the pattern. The colors responded to her touch weakly, the corresponding sounds delayed. Three to go, two … but when she pushed the red button—in honor of Obsidian—it did not flash in answer.
She tapped again. Again.
Nothing.
Lady Solstice whipped around. “The batteries have died!”
The reigning queen stood half out of her throne, ready to cheer but with no victor’s name on her tongue. She turned to the guard, her hands in fists. “Fetch two D batteries!”
“Two D batteries!” he repeated, and fled the arena for the room beyond.
The reigning queen watched the competitors bent their heads close, excluding the very light at the windows from their whispered conversation. The reigning queen sighed and drummed her fingers on her throne.
“Your Majesty,” the guard said, skidding up close, “there are no D batteries.”
“No D batteries!” the reigning queen repeated.
They both startled at the role reversal.
The guard coughed to break the silence. “I’ve searched the royal junk drawer,” he said. “If Your Highness would stand up, I can check under the throne cushion.”
“Ridiculous!” she said, even as she rose and moved aside.
There were no D batteries there either. The candidates for the queenship were looking up at the royal viewing box now. A frantic, whispered exchange between the reigning queen and the guard commenced:
“Summon the royal driver—”
“—She is out, Your Majesty.”
“Doing what?!”
“Fetching the groceries.”
“Blast it all. Is there a place that can be reached by foot?”
“The SEARS, Highness?”
“A map to the SEARS!” cried the reigning queen.
“A map!” repeated the guard, and he scurried aside to take the magisterial markers from the royal coffee table, which had been pushed aside to make room for the arena. He found paper, and drew fast.
Meanwhile, the reigning queen looked down upon the two ladies vying for her throne. They looked up in return.
The reigning queen cleared her throat. “I suppose it makes sense that there are no battery units here,” she said, “since this palace is a place of peace. Someone must go on a quest, into a place full of danger—a place with battery included.”
The guard, still drawing, snorted.
“I’ll go, Your Highness!” said Lady Luna, her beringed hand shooting upward. “I must, for the divining circle has brought me undue glory.”
Lady Solstice stepped in front of her. “I will go, Highness,” she said, “for the divining circle has bought me undue time.”
Lady Luna stepped out, so the two stood side by side. “Suppose we both go. That would be most fair.”
Lady Solstice frowned. “Fine.”
“The map!” said the guard, bringing a sheet of paper. Taking it, Lady Solstice turned the paper left, like a landscape. Lady Luna snatched it away and turned it right, like a portrait. Lady Solstice grabbed for it back as they went together out of sight.
“I just don’t understand how the batteries could have died,” murmured the reigning queen, settling into her throne for the wait, extending the royal recliner. “It’s down in the Sacred Book that the batteries are always removed and locked away between challenges. They should last eons.”
“I may have put them in the diviner a few times, Majesty,” admitted the guard, “to test myself.”
“Julian!” cried the reigning queen. “It’s not a toy!”
“SEARS,” mused Lady Solstice, lowering the map. “What danger lies there?”
Having settled on Lady Luna’s orientation of the map, Lady Solstice had been allowed to be its keeper. The two candidates stood outside, on the royal back porch, facing the road beyond.
“Perhaps it’s SEARS like ‘sear,’” Luna said. “Then it would be the land of lava—of Obsidian.”
“That could be,” conceded Solstice. “If so, I can certainly stand the heat and retrieve the batteries. I served in the dragon wars, when all the floors turned to lava.”
Luna’s brow furrowed. “Oh, did you?”
Solstice nodded and began walking.
“Suppose SEARS means something else, though,” Luna called, hurrying to follow.
“Such as?”
“SEARS like ‘sea.’” Luna pointed to a shallow, blue pool, perfectly round, set atop the grass on a neighboring peasant’s plot. “And if we’re headed into Mer’s blue realm, I should surely take the lead. I’m more comfortable in the water than out.”
There were yet more possibilities, and they bickered about them as they walked the village. Perhaps SEARS had something to do with ears, which might be related to the God Ion—for, Solstice reasoned, he who controlled the lightning must also control the booming thunder.
Or, there were the fortune-tellers, who were in some parts called seers—and Luna said that sage was one of the herbs they burned. Perhaps it was the dominion of Sage, God of the earth.
“So we know nothing about SEARS,” sighed Solstice.
“But we know that we know nothing,” replied Luna. “That’s something!”
Solstice rolled her eyes. “Well. Whatever awaits, I’m glad of it. I welcome the danger.”
“I’m glad too,” Luna replied. “I want to beat you fairly, not because the diviner’s hesitation made you forget.”
“I wouldn’t have forgotten!” Solstice snapped.
Luna opened her mouth to make some reply, but then:
“Look! SEARS!”
Beyond, the countryside was overcome with tar. Neither tree nor bush broke through the deathly gray, and upon this desolate landscape, the shadow of a towering building stretched long.
The competitors approached, finding near the SEARS entrance all the abandoned wagons of travelers past.
Luna swallowed, hesitating, but Solstice took her hand and strode on. “We’ve said many words between us. Now it’s time to act.”
Inside, ruffians haggled. Music floated overhead from nowhere: a bard’s guitar underneath crooning lyrics of love. “Pray the song doesn’t stop before we leave,” Luna whispered. “I think it’s the only thing keeping these lowly creatures from attacking us.”
“Look,” Solstice said, heedless. “Hats.”
“Be careful!” Luna gasped, approaching the display slowly. “They’re for mind control, I bet.”
“Cool,” Solstice said, and pointed to an orange one. “Bet this one makes you angry, so you commit terrible crimes. And this purple one makes you really sad. “And the green one makes you greedy. And the white—”
“Oh, I know!” Luna shouted. “That one erases your memory!”
Solstice had scowled to be interrupted so, but hearing this she brightened. “Yeah! That’s good thinking, actually.”
Luna straightened where she stood, smiling.
Solstice turned to another display. “These scarves—for manipulating vision, do you think?”
“I don’t know,” Luna admitted, shuddering. “This is a scary market. We must move fast.”
The girls went together to the hub at which the traders did their business. Over the banter of those gathered, Solstice squared her shoulders and cleared her throat. “Where are the D batteries?”
“Oh,” said the slippery, bearded trader, from behind the counter. “We don’t carry batteries here, sweetheart.”
“How dare you!” cried Luna.
Solstice balked. “Lady Luna, what—”
“—they can’t speak so to you, you’re in line for the queenship—”
“Well, anyway,” Solstice said, pulling her arm, trying to step away, “it doesn’t matter, they don’t have—”
“What nonsense!” Luna hissed, jerking her arm free. She marched back up to the trader. “You have hats of every shape, and shirts for winter though it is spring, Yet you expect me to believe that you carry not one battery?”
“Nope,” said the trader in foreboding monotone, waving the next haggler forward. “No batteries at SEARS.”
With no other destinations on the map, the two candidates had to return to the palace whence they came.
They were only past the villager’s pool when Lady Luna could be convinced that the SEARS trader had not deceived them. They dragged their feed on the tar. The clouds did roll in.
“Where are we to look?” Solstice moaned. “If we return with no D batteries, how will they decide the queenship?”
“I will tell the reigning queen how brave you were, leading us into SEARS, and talking to those strangers,” Luna said.
Blushing, Solstice looked away.
The two stood together, eyes fixed upon the palace—its shiny white siding, the royal mailbox with the flag turned down, the grand back porch with the royal welcome mat before the door.
“I cannot bring myself to enter the front way, I think,” Solstice muttered. “The entrance is too grand for I, who have failed the quest.”
Luna gasped. “That gives me an idea! The dungeon!”
She pulled Solstice, to a black hatchway set into the stone foundation of the palace, a floor below the main one.
“I don’t think our failures merit prison,” Solstice said.
“No, no,” Luna said, and Solstice helped her down the stone steps.
Solstice stepped further into the gloom, toward a door set further back, into an inner wall of the dungeon, but Luna put a hand out to stop her. “Careful. A nasty ogre is kept caged in that cell. Ogres are possessive of things: batteries, yes, but also snack foods, strange gadgets. They even hold onto stinky laundry, so the servants can’t throw it in the wash.” Luna pointed to the royal washing machine and royal dryer, which even now did spin.
A roar thundered from behind the cell door, and Luna and Solstice jumped with fear. “PREPARE FOR JUDGMENT DAY!” a deep voice growled, under dramatic music—some kind of transmission: “AS OBSIDIAN AND ION CLASH IN THE BATTLE OF THE CENTURY!”
“Oh no,” Solstice said, “unrest among the Gods.”
“SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY,” taunted the demon voice, “WHO WILL BE VICTORIOUS?”
“That’s tomorrow,” worried Luna. “The delay of the SIMON challenge has angered them.”
“We haven’t much time,” Solstice replied, and charged forward, her blonde hair flying behind, barging through the door and into the ogre’s cell. But then she froze in place.
Over the threshold wafted a stench of sweat and filth. But there was no ogre inside.
”He’s escaped!” hissed Solstice looking back.
“No,” Luna said, and pointed to another door, with steam escaping underneath. “He’s in the bathing room of his cell.”
The gravel-throated voice on the transmission had stopped shouting, and now a whole chorus of demons sang over thrashing strings. The noise was coming from behind the same, inner door.
“What is that?” Solstice asked.
“A communication device of the occult,” asserted Luna. “Through it speaks a devil God of ogres. I believe it runs on D batteries.”
Solstice took a deep breath. “Okay,” she said, and reached for the door.
“Wait,” Luna said. “Be—be so careful, Lady Solstice.”
The two shared a look, and they had no secrets from each other: fated to be sporting competitors at best and bitterest enemies at worst, they loved each other instead.
Solstice opened the bathing room door and disappeared into the steam beyond. She tiptoed past a magical chamber of perpetual rain where, obscured by a flimsy curtain, the ogre lumbered. The transmission device sat on the edge of a ceremonial sink.
Gingerly, Solstice turned the machine. Now she could see the compartment where the batteries hid. With trembling fingers she pulled a tab, catching the compartment backing in her hand and revealing two D batteries. She pried the first from its place. The device hissed. She took the second battery, and ran from the bathing chamber.
Behind her, the ogre muttered, “What the hell?”
Luna stood just outside the chamber, rooted down by fear. Solstice grabbed her hand and led her forward, out of the dungeons.
Upon their entrance to the palace arena, the reigning queen stood, overturning a checkerboard that had been set between herself and the guard, and blocking it from view.
“We’ve returned, Your Majesty,” panted Luna. She held up Solstice’s shaking hands. “We have the batteries!”
A great cheer rose.
“Let the challenge recommence!” the reigning queen cried.
“Wait, Your Majesty!” Luna said.
The reigning queen blinked. “Yes?”
“Maybe,” Luna said, lowering her voice, “we could be a team.”
This suggestion was met with silence. The two candidates shared a worried look.
“It is a wild world out there,” Luna continued, “battery included! And I’m not brave like Lady Solstice, to tell the truth.”
“And I’m not like Lady Luna,” Solstice added. “Mightn’t two rulers be better than one, in times of adversity?”
Below, a cell door slammed.
“Do you invite adversity to our idyllic queendom, Lady Solstice?” the reigning queen asked.
Distant rumbles sounded from the dungeon, like thunder on its way.
“No,” Solstice hedged, “but I do expect some. Call it healthy realism.”“Well,” mused the reigning queen, “if you are in agreement…”
Just then, the ogre burst in, dripping, wearing nothing but a grimy rag. He roared: “WHO TOOK THE BATTERIES OUT OF MY RADIO?!”
“First decree,” Lady Solstice declared: “Disperse!”
All three queens scattered. The guard stood alone, clutching the divining circle to his chest.
“Julian!” cried the queens: “RUN!” ▩