All That Glitters Is Not Gold (And Probably Sheds Microplastics)

On the overwhelming experience of stepping into an Ulta Beauty store

by

Abby Seethoff

Season Published
MP404

Aug 03, 2021


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The orange awning and silver letters beckon as I cross the strip mall parking lot. I seldom wear face makeup and feel self-conscious as the automatic doors to Ulta Beauty swoosh open to unleash the blazing fluorescence within. The store’s bright lights and shiny floors illuminate my peeling lips and unpainted fingernails. This is not a makeup counter or a pop-up boutique. This space is at least four times the size of a drugstore cosmetics section. Standing before the legion of backlit displays, I feel crusty. Someone will know I don’t moisturize regularly. I feel out of place, much as I do when I enter a church: the pious will detect my blasphemy. No one here would say it in such biblical terms, but a question I found in a vintage beauty compendium called The Westmore Beauty Book seems to float in the air: 

49. Do you accept the fact that homeliness 
is virtually nothing more than a bad habit? 

However, I have a $50 gift card from my mother, a well-intentioned reaction to the time we went to Ulta together and I didn’t buy anything. It’s much easier to power through uneasiness when you’re spending someone else’s money. So even though Ulta is a store that makes me feel like I should wear concealer and should not wear a bulky coat—Montana winter be damned—I’ve mustered the will to go a few times, dark circles brazenly uncovered, gift card in hand, in search of products that “meet my needs.”

Don’t get me wrong. I like makeup. Particularly glitter. But also metallic eyeliner, rhinestone body stickers, and eyeshadow palettes with bubbles of pigment frothing across their plastic cases. I once nearly bought a light purple lipstick because the color was named “Philosopher.” I liked the idea of the very body parts through which my philosophizing would pass being marked as scholarly by a lavender hue. But I already had a similar shade called “Lilac Mist,” so I refrained. Sometimes I cantilever my feet into heels so tall I can hardly walk to give presentations. All of which is to say that I like some superficial shit. 

So I understand that going to Ulta can be fun. It’s supposed to be fun of the never-ending sort for the customer. The Ulta Beauty Code of Business Conduct calls this fun an offering of “unrivaled ways to be beautiful” and promises an environment conducive to “the thrill of exploration” and “the delight of discovery.” This is a sparkling way of saying that the store is gigantic, difficult to navigate, and filled with products you didn’t know existed for problems you didn’t know needed solving. Hundreds of hairbrushes, hung and shelved en masse above labels with redundant phrases such as “professional deluxe shine,” remind me of my own comb, a blue plastic relic that is probably meant for children. I unearthed it from my parents’ guest bathroom. The tremendous selection at Ulta includes brushes for dry hair and wet hair and hair in any state of dampness in between. There are brushes for cleaning your brushes. There is “The Twirler,” a pink-handled thermal brush with a poke-y ball of bristles. It looks like a softcore BDSM implement.   

Unlike Sephora, a competing makeup powerhouse whose more limited brand selection, smaller stores, and crisp, black-and-white-striped aesthetic project an accessible elitism, Ulta is for all of us. Luxury and drugstore cosmetics coexist under one roof, sharing the same confusing floor plan. Dior mascara ($29.50 a tube) and My Burberry Blush Eau de Parfum ($60 an ounce) luxuriate only aisles away from Essence blush ($2.99) and Revlon tweezers ($3.49). The displays categorize some products by type and others by brand. The “Naturals” sign in the hair care section means “products for curly, thick, unrelaxed, anything-but-straight hair.” The “Naturals” sign in the skin care section means “probably contains some herbs.” 

Question 74. Is your personal daintiness score beyond reproach? 

Neither this more egalitarian approach nor the cheery salespeople, however, can shake my notion that Ulta demands a sleekness I lack. My unwashed hair glistens like some greasy beacon of my negligence. All the eyeliner I’ve applied without primer and all my years of sleeping with makeup on feel like secrets I must keep from the employees, whose “Can I help you find something?” chirps I rebuff. I have not reconciled my obsession with my appearance with my hunch that such vanity disenfranchises me. In Ulta the dissonance runs high; the specific joy of being surrounded by so much shimmer, gloss, and color to smear on my body contends with my revulsion at the rhetoric encasing the cosmetics. I sense that I’m in the presence of something unattainable. 

Question 26. Do you know exactly what 
make-up can and cannot do for you? 

Ulta’s mission statement proclaims, “Every day we use the power of beauty to bring to life the possibilities that lie within each of us.” This pleasant, diluted language lands in a strategic sweet spot: the sentiment feels good to read, but its vagueness disburdens Ulta from accomplishing anything beyond peddling prettiness. Ulta’s aspiration to cultivate the potential of its customers, the majority of whom are women, is optimistic. Beauty does have measurable, gendered economic value. In the book Fat, Pretty, and Soon to Be Old, Kimberly Dark identifies this phenomenon and endorses “the savvy application of social knowledge.” She advises a reader who might curry favor in a job interview by wearing makeup to do it. Dark also acknowledges that these techniques are limited. They do not challenge the underlying system of straight-haired, small-nosed, light-skinned privilege. So even someone who manages her appearance immaculately, from the tightly wound curls on her head to the tailored cuffs of her pants, cannot control how other people perceive that appearance and make judgements upon it, racist, misogynist, or otherwise. Ulta and the marketing of its products ascribe real authority to beauty. But the power of pretty is only ever partial. 

Question 19. Do you keep abreast of the developments in the world 
of beauty—as well as the world in which you live?

It is not new, the yoking of a woman’s worth to her attractiveness. In 1956, my mother was born and the 252-page, male-authored Westmore Beauty Book was published with gems of advice like “there is almost no limit to what your face can do for you—or what you can do for your face.” Cosmetic companies still strive to increase your “face value,” except nowadays they co-opt social justice themes in the process. Once at Ulta, a display encouraged me to “JOIN THE REVOLUTION.” Which one? I wondered. On one hand we have what’s now called “the Fenty effect” of pop star Rihanna’s wildly popular makeup line, released in 2017, with more than forty shades of foundation formulated to actually work for women of color. After Fenty Beauty blew up, cosmetic companies that had never served darker skin tones suddenly expanded their offerings and diversified the models in their ads and packaging, too. On the other hand, many of these brands pivoted because they didn’t want to seem regressive and because so-called empowerment is trendy. This profitability explains the origins of the $30 Tarte “Dream Big” eyeshadow palette with colors like a pale pink called “Risk Taker,” a black called “Hustle,” a gold called “You Can,” and a beige called “Ambitious.”

Marketplace feminism is “more of a brand than an ethic,” as Andi Zeisler puts it. In an Ulta store, a woman has the right to choose. Among facial cleansers, that is. The IT Cosmetics display in Ulta is all about the individual who can join the movement with “game-changing” products that, “in the hands of real women everywhere, become life-changing. We believe you’re an IT Girl the moment you try IT.” The game being changed might only be that of wrinkles, but because a “real” woman’s beauty determines her value and that beauty depends on the appearance of youth, the wrinkle game does, in fact, have life-altering consequences. “That old women are repulsive,” Susan Sontag wrote almost fifty years ago, “is one of the most profound esthetic and erotic feelings in our culture.” To delay this undesirable but inevitable outcome, an independent woman (who, according to IT, is simultaneously a girl), can at last assert her worth and defend herself against the ravages of time by applying “anti-aging armour” such as “Confidence in a Cream.” Such a shield preserves that independent (read: affluent) woman by infantilizing her. 

Question 9. When and if your beauty regime fails to produce the desired results, 
can you truthfully say it is because of your need for more beauty 
know-how and not because of a lack of persistence or willpower? 

As teenagers sitting in my childhood bedroom, my best friend Johanna and I vowed that we were going to look like the pop singer Fergie in our thirties and Mrs. Lee, the mother of my first love, in our forties. We did not talk about how Fergie’s livelihood depends on how she looks, how a team of people spend their work week creating and maintaining her image, nor how she exercises like an elite athlete. Nor did we wonder how Mrs. Lee, who offered a realistic antidote to the fantasy of Fergie—or at least an example of the effects of decent genes and a fairly comfortable lifestyle—had ended up so elegant (code for “still beautiful.”) We were thirteen, for Christ’s sake. We’d fallen for what Sontag calls the “quixotic enterprise:” trying to maintain a girlish appearance even as the decades spin on. After all, an “IT Girl” strives to never lose her pedophilic appeal. 

I started using eye cream in high school on the advice of my gorgeous thirty-something flute teacher. It felt like I was winning. I thought I’d figured out how to cheat the system, when all I’d done was succumb to it. With jars of “Advanced Night Repair Eye Synchronized Complex II” provided by my mother, I bowed early to the fear of aging. Nowadays I cheat time self-righteously with a glass jar of organic rosehip oil and shea butter eye cream from a small mountain town in Oregon. I feel as if I’m taking care of myself when I remember to apply the under-eye serum, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to be pretty when I’m old. Knowing that this desire has been constructed within me does not make it go away. 

Question 14. Do you realize that beauty today is more 
often a question of know-how than money?

“Nothing so clearly indicates the fictional nature of this crisis,” writes Sontag, “than the fact that women who keep their youthful appearance the longest—women who lead unstrenuous, physically sheltered lives, who eat balanced meals, who can afford good medical care, who have few or no children—are those who feel the defeat of age most keenly.” Thus the women with the most access to anti-aging serums are also subject to additional pressure to preserve themselves and all the more disappointed and ashamed when their bodies, like those of every human, show outward signs of decay. Karma adherents, vision board enthusiasts, and cognitive behavior therapy advocates might posit that when Johanna and I made the Fergie pact, this intention was enough to nudge the universe toward its manifestation. Cosmetic rhetoric would have us believe that she and I are responsible for how we look as we age, as though character determines appearance and the money we spend, the genes we inherit, the trauma we accumulate, the pollution we endure, and the marginalization we survive all have no bearing on whether we arrive at old age haggard or glowing.

Question 11. Do you accept the need to look, think, act and feel like a 
beauty if you wish to be accepted as a true beauty?

“Let me know if you have any questions!” at least one salesperson trills when I wander through an Ulta. I have so many, I think. What distinguishes “Girl Boss” fake eyelashes from “Center of Attention” fake eyelashes? How did the “Take me back to Brazil Rio Edition” eyeshadow palette, with a warning that reads “PRESSED PIGMENT SHADOWS ARE NOT INTENDED FOR USE AROUND IMMEDIATE EYE AREA,” make it to market? Who thought it was a good idea to name a brown eyeshadow “Cat Call” or include in the Urban Decay “Vice” line of lipsticks a shade of pink called “Violate”? 

People who work in makeup stores tend to be friendly. They dispense compliments freely. They have to be this way, so that customers feel comfortable sharing their insecurities aloud. But the conversation I imagine we would have exhausts me. If I were to engage with one of the employees, we’d have to talk about endocrine disruptors and how I’m trying, with limited success, not to put them on my body. Ingredient scrutiny is trendy, so more cosmetic packaging than ever highlights what’s not there, much like food labels. But there are still so many legal and prevalent hormone-interfering, environmentally damaging additives: BHA and BHT; triclosan; polyethylene glycol; siloxanes; parfum or “fragrance”; petrolatum/mineral oil; sodium lauryl sulfate; methyl, propyl, ethyl, or butyl parabens; the anolamine family (DEA, TEA, and MEA); phthalates… and so on. The list is too long. It’s difficult to remember. And while these ingredients do little immediate damage, they can accumulate and wreak havoc later on, in the form of cancer or infertility. Significant intellectual burden falls on the consumer who doesn’t want to slowly poison herself. 

Question 21. Do you know your own face-type—in terms of beauty? 

After the litany of ingredients to avoid, I’d explain that I’m prone to rashes. During a Sephora makeover in college, the stylist rubbed a moisturizer ‘for sensitive skin’ on my face. It stung like hell. Once at a Macy’s brow bar as a tween (during an appointment my mother had sprung on me), the esthetician, after ripping out a flock of hairs, put a serum on my forehead to alleviate incipient redness. I wore a swath of supernovae acne for a week.  

Then—back at Ulta—I’d have to say that I do not want cleanser, foundation, face powder, toner, astringents, blush, bronzer, primer, acne treatment, concealer, or setting spray. I have what the brand Philosophy calls “makeup-optional skin,” which their “Purity Made Simple Moisturizer” promises to produce in just three days, as if all skin were not intrinsically makeup-optional. Feminine beauty, Ann J. Cahill writes, “far from being something natural or innate, is a state to be striven for, a state that takes planning, careful work, and a significant investment of time.” Granted, my unblemished, light, and relatively young skin still adheres to conventional beauty standards. But the dominant face makeup narrative insists that all faces, including mine, need fixing: color-correction, shine elimination, pore reduction, fine-line smoothing, and perhaps a Tarte primer called “BLUR.” No matter that the second ingredient after water in the “Purity Made Simple Moisturizer” is cyclopentasiloxane. The Environment Canada Domestic Substance List classifies cyclopentasiloxane as “expected to be toxic or harmful” and “suspected to be an environmental toxin and bio-accumulative.” Purity, after all, is in the eye of the beholder. Though Purity Made Simple Moisturizer, were it in your eye, would probably cause a burning sensation. 

Question 1. Are you more attractive and more beautifully 
groomed today than you were five years ago? 

I’ve been to Ulta seven times in my life. Three of those times I’ve left empty-handed and too overwhelmed to buy anything. Once I bought a “third-eye” face mask to mail to my hippie cousin and coconut milk face wash for myself that made my cheeks soft for a few days before it started causing dry patches. Another time, enabled by the sparkly pink gift card, I got a hemp bath bomb, some NYX “Hella Fine” liquid eyeliner, a collagen-infused marine sponge, and a jade face roller—because when healthcare isn’t universal, self-care can pretend to be. Whether it involves rubbing your cheeks with a stone or smoothing overpriced lotion on your forehead, a so-called “skin care routine” can help people to stay familiar with themselves, to feel the reality of their physical bodies. Maybe this kind of self-knowledge is the “power of beauty” that Ulta seeks to harness. Or not. 

The idea that looking good feels good and feeling good looks good is fraught. Once, when I was 23, in an athleticwear store aimed at women, I tried on a teal swimsuit top. 

“It fits you great, honey,” my mom said when I showed her. 

“Yeah?”  I smiled. 

I closed the dressing room door and looked in the mirror again. The band compressed my ribcage. The straps dug into my shoulders. I felt squeezed. But it looked good. Cahill writes that the pleasure of feminine beautification is beneficial and feminist only if it is “distinguishable from the demands that patriarchal society places on female bodies.” The incongruity between my appearance—hot—and my sensations—too tight—was overwhelming. I started crying, quietly. 

Question 98. Do you know the beauty value
of a smile and a pleasant disposition? 

I know that palatable can be safer. Prettiness is a social lubricant, a waived speeding ticket, a salary bonus. What Baudelaire wrote more than a century ago about a woman’s duties—“she is obliged to adorn herself in order to be adored”—remains true. Ulta makes me uncomfortable because beauty is both a site of resistance and a site of repression, where the tools of drag performance and body affirmation in other hands can be magnifiers of self-hatred and pressure to conform. And Ulta doesn’t seem very interested in acknowledging that challenge. Instead Ulta’s feminism is comfortable, safe, and fun. It’s apolitical and neo-liberal. In this context, women liberate themselves by their individual choices and through full participation in free market capitalism. And feminism based on consumer purchases is wildly successful, to the tune of $6.71 billion in 2019. In her 1990 book The Beauty Myth, Naomi Wolf calls this corporate income “capital made out of unconscious anxieties.” 

It is tempting to curse fashion and beauty as frivolous pursuits that, as Jacki Willson explains in Being Gorgeous, trap women in their images and exclude them from politics. But the problem does not lie in the desire to find the best highlighter for your complexion. The problem is that “the mask is the woman.” No wonder, then, that going into Ulta is unsettling: the entire enterprise is dedicated to the fact that my appearance is inextricable from my value as a person. In this context neither wearing makeup nor abstaining from it are without repercussions. The age-old damned if you do, damned if you don’t paradox. As long as it remains lucrative to foster insecurity, I will feel surveilled under the bright lights of Ulta. I will still sense, in that store, that I am in the presence of something unattainable. My fully realized, beautiful (and therefore wealthy) self can never come into being. She will never be satisfied. And Ulta will be there to assuage and perpetuate that inadequacy. 

“Your real beauty inspires me!” reads a quote from IT Cosmetics CEO Jamie Kern Lima alongside before and after photos of her with and without makeup. “Real” beauty as an inherent trait only waiting to be unveiled—a process of revelation that ironically occurs through covering the face with creams, powders, and pigments—is the mission of the Too Faced line of foundations called “Born This Way.” The pursuit of “real” is also the goal of the hair-care brand Bed Head. Their extensive product line implies that this “natural” state cannot be achieved without synthetic intervention. And as it’s presented by these snippets of marketing copy, the idea that our authentic selves are accessible only through artifice is a gimmick to sell products. Yet there’s a path toward liberation intertwined in that concept, if through artifice I shed light on my irrepressible self. 

One of my former roommates threw parties for Purim, a carnivalesque Jewish holiday where revelers are encouraged to drink alcohol, make nonsense speeches, and wear masks, or as she liked to say, partake in gender anarchy. To prepare for our 2019 festivities, I stopped at a barbershop for an undercut, leaving with the hair between the nape of my neck and my ponytail buzzed. At home I realized the full ensemble, sliding in rhinestone earrings long enough to brush my shoulders and wiggling my feet into silver stilettos. Along my eyelids I glued giant, bejeweled fake eyelashes; across my cheeks I dusted the fancy glitter (Fenty Diamond Bomb, if you must know). And above my lips—reddened with a color named “New Temptation”—I used the liquid eyeliner from Ulta to draw a curled, mosaic Salvador-Dali-esque mustache. 

***

In July 2020, Ulta unveiled its “Conscious Beauty at Ulta Beauty” initiative, following in the footsteps of “Clean at Sephora” with a “Clean at Ulta Beauty” distinction based on an extensive list of “made-without” ingredients. Ulta has also begun identifying and grouping products that are sustainably packaged, vegan, and/or cruelty-free. I haven’t been inside an Ulta store in more than a year; I don’t know how these changes have affected the in-person shopping experience. I do know that in November 2020, when I finally got around to spending a second gift card from my mother (“I thought you liked that store!” she complained), the online version of Conscious Beauty was difficult to use. It’s not yet possible to filter a product search by sustainable packaging, for instance. Instead there are long lists of brands in each category. One of these did lead me to a recycled-plastic tube of reef-safe Kinship sunscreen, but I soon grew tired of inefficient scrolling and inconsistent ingredient labels and selected the remaining items based on colors and glitter content. 

In the months to come I imagine that in-store Ulta staff will hang freshly printed signs, rearrange accordingly, and set up new displays. Employees’ knowledge of product specifications will become even more encyclopedic, if they’re particularly dedicated, or they’ll reach the same threshold I did and give up on cataloguing so much information. The Westmore Beauty Book asks, 

7. Is your individual beauty plan in keeping
with your personality and way of life?

But there’s no way to square an individual plan with the fundamentally overwhelming nature of an Ulta Beauty store, in part because organizing thousands of cosmetics is a daunting task, and partly because I’m no longer sure it is worthwhile to curate an approach to beauty that communicates my personhood. I love flashy makeup. I would prefer not to get cancer. I also value consumer literacy, want plastic-free packaging, and wish deeply for better regulation. Conscious Beauty sounds like a product that will “meet my needs.” I know it won’t. 


Tracking the Joke

iFunny, the rise of alt-right memes, and me

iFunny

by

Paul Schorin

Season Published
MP403

Jul 20, 2021


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“A few​ years ago, when it suddenly occurred to us that the internet was a place we could never leave, I began to keep a diary of what it felt like to be there in the days of its snowy white disintegration, which felt also like the disintegration of my own mind. My interest was not academic.”

– Patricia Lockwood, The Communal Mind

It’s no longer raining when we get home from the teen psych ward. On the drive, the rain struck staccato across the roof of the silent car. But by the time Dad rolls to a stop in front of our apartment building, it is dry and dark and quiet. Mom helps me with my bag.

My bedroom is different. Books from the floor on the bedside table, the closet door and desk drawers ajar. The shaggy rug lying on the hardwood like a deflated Komondor is folded over at the corner. I’d recently learned to not care about these sorts of intrusions, so I don’t. I take my first good shower—with truly hot water, and nobody watching you through the curtain—in a week. I say goodnight to my parents, huddled at the kitchen table. It’s quiet again, and the dog sleeps in fits by the front door. I brush and spit, get into bed, and download iFunny.


In August, 2019, the FBI raided the house of Ohio man Eric Olsen. Agents seized 15 rifles, 10 semiautomatic pistols, and 10,000 rounds of ammunition, all of which belonged to Mr. Olsen’s 18-year-old son, Justin.

If the scale of this arsenal took law enforcement by surprise, its actual existence almost certainly did not. Using his iFunny account ArmyofChrist, Justin Olsen had for months been threatening violence against his perceived enemies, including Planned Parenthood, homosexuals, Muslims, feminists, and federal agents.

Even with Olsen swept aside, over the next year ArmyofChrist-esque material continued to flourish on iFunny. Embedded in comedic memes to be consumed by the app’s young and impressionable user base, ideological scourges like white nationalism and homophobia mutate and adapt, taking on primer, more resilient appeal.


Sophomore year of high school was hard. I bounced around several outpatient and inpatient psychiatric care facilities with what was deemed, at various turns, bipolar disorder, aggravated ADHD, body dysmorphia, and depression. My smorgasbord of diagnoses, frequent extended absences, and general moodiness isolated me from my classmates at a school I’d only attended two years. In the absence of a local peer group, I turned online.

I’d heard about iFunny at the first inpatient facility I went to—a teen psych ward upstate. A patient with a long, blonde braid told me about it. Her boyfriend had downloaded the app for her, and when her parents had decided to take her to the hospital for suicidal ideation, he promised to save every meme she missed so that she could see them all when she was released. She said that like it was the sweetest thing he could do for her, and given the red warmth lighting up her cheeks, I believed her.

When I downloaded the app the night I returned home from that facility, I quickly discovered the thrills of its anti-establishment, anti-authority content. Back then, authority on iFunny wasn’t represented by the New York Times or Anthony Fauci or vague notions of “the left” that usually just mean women and non-white people. Instead, authority meant teachers and parents, standardized tests and summer jobs, and anyone or anything else challenging the limits of your erupting autonomy. As a teen, any authority can control you, your actions, your whereabouts—yet iFunny seemed to represent the concession that no one could control your thoughts. As a teen also undergoing a struggle for control over their own thoughts, that concession had immense appeal.

iFunny is owned and operated by a Cyprus-based, Moscow-headquartered tech company called FunCorp. Launched in 2011, the iFunny app typically ranks in the 40s for entertainment apps in the app store, where it greets users with a yellow smiley face logo. Despite its relatively low profile, iFunny averages about 10 million monthly users—most of whom are, in my experience, teenage males.

Aside from the comment threads, the three most significant of the app’s realms are Features, Subscriptions, and Collective. Features is a selection of posts from Collective chosen by community moderators. Appearing every few hours, featured memes are meant to appeal to a wide array of iFunny users, who get notified whenever a new batch of features is posted. Features also set the bar for success; if you want to be featured, you make memes similar to or riffing on those that have been featured before.

Subscriptions collect the posts by the users that you have followed, allowing you to stay up to date with accounts whose particular brand of humor or commentary you (literally) subscribe to. Individual accounts rise to prominence by collecting subscribers, an ascendance often aided by getting a feature or two.

And Collective is everything else. Star Wars memes, food TikToks, solicitations for anonymous sex, dogs eating weed brownies, Legend of Zelda fan art, pleas for religious morality, and furry porn. Every post on iFunny starts in collective, anticipating its moment in the backlit sun.

In my early explorations of iFunny, sexist and racist posts did appear on my feed, but these were largely confined to Collective. Any truly off-putting memes that slipped through into Features seemed like outliers or, I imagined, curatorial accidents.

In retrospect, I probably wasn’t ready to grapple with the severe flaws of one of my few sources of comfort during this difficult time. And iFunny offered so much more! Beyond its surreal, bafflingly esoteric humor, iFunny was where I found some of the first uncurated queer content I’d ever seen, far more boundless and vibrant than the corporate-friendly queerness readily available elsewhere. In Collective, I knew if I kept scrolling through everything that hurt me or attacked others, I would come to some Hannibal fan art of Mads Mikkelsen tonguing Hugh Dancy. Presumably, this was not sanctioned by NBC.

Like the cuts along my arms that I hid at school under hockey jerseys, iFunny made me aware of a life outside of my own. Suddenly, somewhere beyond my pre-calc teacher’s rasping, reedy voice, there was another frequency into which I could tap. As one long-time iFunnyer put it to me in a chat, “It’s fun to be a different person sometimes.” On iFunny, I wasn’t the crazy kid, the quiet one, the difficult one, or anyone else I didn’t want to be. I was kingtroy17. 

“Part of the ship, part of the crew,” a line borrowed from Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, is a common refrain on iFunny. It’s not only indicative of how the scraps of 2000s pop culture sometimes ossify into online gospel, but also of the dynamics of iFunny’s community. In Pirates of the Caribbean, the Flying Dutchman subsumes its motley crew into the architecture of the ship itself, demanding the sacrifice of one’s autonomous body to fully belong. In short, the promise of seafaring freedom has its own limitations.

As I moved through high school, my need for iFunny decreased and so did my understanding of it. I’d grown out of touch with its day-to-day trends, the younger users, and the rivers of antecedent memes one had to understand to understand each subsequent meme. Soon, I only looked at iFunny occasionally before bed. By the time I was in college, I checked iFunny about once a week, and less during exam periods. At college, I had found more of a community than I had ever known before in my real life, and iFunny gradually shrank into the background.


Last March when COVID-19 forced us all online, I rediscovered iFunny and, with it, the new surge in right-wing memery. Those beset with a sense of conservative victimhood could always find self-righteous bigoted content on iFunny. But in 2020, you didn’t even have to try. Reposts of anti-Islamic webcomics or memes about Jews benefitting financially from the pandemic or quotes from alt-right Twitter philosophers were front and center, comprising sometimes as many as half of the day’s Features. A zero-sum “us” vs. “them” mentality announced itself with urgency. Rather than merely pointing out a perceived hypocrisy in gender theory or complaining about “cancel culture,” these memes expressly invited engagement and action.

In one, a skeleton in U.S. military regalia detailed all the reasons it was okay to hate the left, ending with because “they hate you”; another meme featured a doctored headline about how hydroxychloroquine was an effective solution against COVID-19, but the liberal media didn’t want you to know the truth. The comment sections followed suit: On a particularly hateful meme mocking the accidental death of trans artist SOPHIE, who famously said “God is trans,” you can find comment after comment to the effect of “Glad God set the record straight.”

As this smattering of fringe conservativism become the dominant ideological focus of the iFunny’s userbase, FunCorp CIO Denis Litvinov denied responsibility. “What is happening online is a reflection of our society,” he wrote on Medium. “Tech companies—and content moderators in particular—cannot magically fix the evil found within humanity, nor can we prevent it from finding its way online.”


I’d hoped to use iFunny’s memes as a balm for early pandemic anxieties. But as bigoted content continued to increase in frequency and intensity over the following months, instead I found myself wondering what had happened to the platform.

The relationship between iFunny’s content creators and the content they create can be easily misunderstood. While one might assume an iFunnyer’s ideology would cleanly align with their content and profile, users I spoke with tended to actively resist or rebuff political classification.

“I believe that every form of government is sinful in some way, that God and the Word is the only true form of political ideology a person needs,” Bearpaw told me in a chat.

“I don’t really stand anywhere on the political compass,” wrote another iFunny user, who requested anonymity. “I don’t really align hard anywhere, and the idea of categorizing people by beliefs depresses me.”

“I’m a heavy environmentalist, an economic populist, and an ethnic nationalist,” Cruhngle told me. “I don’t know what affiliation summarizes that.”

Political memes on iFunny aren’t meant to be statements of political intent; they’re meant to be funny. Many of the iFunnyers that I spoke to see their content first and foremost as the means to a reaction, be it one of laughter or disgust. And when the content featured in iFunny’s front window laments the downfall of traditional masculinity and promotes petitions to ban “WAP” from the radio, you get a sense of what sells.

“Politics is an entire shit storm, constantly shooting out one stupid thing after another,” said an iFunny user with over eight thousand followers, who requested anonymity. “Because it is so constant, it’s a stable market, hence all the political memes. I post political memes from all sides, even if I disagree.”

Given the upcoming election and the grim spectacle of the Trump administration, 2020’s memes were always going to have overwhelmingly political inflections. But the pandemic, which trimmed away the other topics that usually get rolled through the meme factory—television shows, sports, celebrity drama, video games, blockbuster movies—sharpened the year’s memery. By mid-April, a scroll through the features section would probably expose you to memes regarding Tiger King, or Animal Crossing, or how masks were slowly turning the American public into feminist drones.

In this new context, the same dynamics that drew me to iFunny years earlier now encouraged its worst tendencies. The old thrill of a featured meme being endlessly riffed on over the course of a week until it had changed, almost imperceptibly at first, into an entirely different meme—that was still there. But featured memes were no longer about archetypal authority figures like unfair teachers or pushy parents. They targeted ethnic and religious groups, gender identities. More immediately and viscerally exciting than Gab or Parler could ever be to younger users, iFunny had become a visual chatroom for the alt-right.


In the early afternoon of January 6th, I got a haircut. After I almost gave myself premature male-pattern baldness in my previous self-administered attempt, it was time for my first professional haircut since the beginning of the pandemic. The “short cut” would cost $25, but I would no longer look 37.

When I checked my phone after the haircut, sometime around 2 p.m., CNN was already reporting the first acts of violence at the Capitol riots. I ran home, turned on the television, and watched the grim events unfold for the rest of the afternoon.

How the Capitol riots would affect iFunny was the furthest question from my mind. And yet, the riots did change the app with surprising rapidity. Almost immediately, featured political content appeared with less fervor and frequency. By February, a featured political meme generally promoted broadly agreeable, often anodyne ideas, such as respecting veterans for their service or offering paid leave for all employees. I can only describe this change as I experienced it, as all my requests to talk to those involved with iFunny on a management level have been rebuffed, but it seemed like there was an active awareness now amongst moderators that content demanding that loyal Americans stop the steal was no longer quite as online-only as it may have once appeared. You could still find the memes saying to never give up, to wait on Q for signs, to get Trump back on Twitter, but these no longer took center stage.

Not long ago, iFunny changed its logo. They’d done this before—once, around Halloween, the smiley face had been a Jack-o’-Lantern for a few weeks, on several other occasions—but this time felt different.

The new masked-up logo may well anger iFunnyers like MasksMakeUsSlaves. It also seems like a distinctly—and bizarrely—belated rhetorical maneuver. The patriotic face covering would have made more sense last July when mask mandates were at their strictest and the resistance to those mandates at their most intense. Now, it seems like an empty gesture at best.

FunCorp, and other tech companies that run social media platforms with user-generated content, cannot eliminate all that is wrong with the world. But they can control what is wrong with their platforms. They can recognize the power that they have to shape an environment that, as it stands, doesn’t just tolerate radical users like Justin Olsen but actively empowers them by promoting their content and by indulging their central fantasy: To be seen and unseen at the same time.

This past year, unable to tear my eyes away from the day’s featured horrors, I used iFunny more than I had in the previous four combined. In that perverse way, during the doldrums of the pandemic, iFunny became a refuge for me once again. But seeing their logo don a mask as I start to use mine less, I get the feeling that iFunny is no longer the place for me. ▩


Professional Bounds

Confronting a bad boss

by

Dabin Han

Season Published
MP402

Jul 06, 2021


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Voyager

A dispatch from the sexual frontier

Skin

by

Sam Fisher

Season Published
MP401

Jun 22, 2021


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“I’m here” 

“ok one sec”

Two quick texts and some moments of anticipatory standing later, this guy opens the door. He’s shorter than I imagined from his photos. Clearly just as beefy under the hoodie and sweatpants. I can tell he’s not wearing underwear. 

A narrow hallway leading to a small square entry room with a bench I cannot imagine anyone sitting on for long. We made small talk about our days and he asked me if I wanted any iced tea, guiding me into the cramped kitchenette. He was quite excited about the tea. He had made it himself. Part of me did not like the idea of accepting the premixed drink. His offer seemed suspiciously eager but I did not stop him from pouring a glass. 

“Do you mind if it’s sweet?” he asked. I accepted, mistakenly assuming it was already sweetened. I watched him spoon light powder into the cold drink from a plastic container hand-labeled “Splenda.” A quick stir and it is handed to me. I take the only sip I will take. It is indeed too sweet.

There was a large duffle next to his bed. Heavy, aged, and crackled black leather. He had told me before that he was a housecleaner. Like most New Yorkers, however, he had a side hustle. I deduced this when he eagerly showed me the tools of his trade inside that bag. His other job involved high-profile men who valued discretion and had the money to pay hotel staff to take breaks early. I now know some of their familiar names, and I must say that they both are, and are not, surprising.

As we removed our clothes, I thought about why I was there. To be blunt, I was horny and curious. He was a guy who would message me on one of the apps while I was at work. He lived nearby. It was convenient enough to be easy. I could swing by on my way home from work and he seemed not to mind that I wouldn’t have time to shower. 

I was curious because he was not someone I typically interacted with in real life. He had an over-built and manicured porn body. Everything was thick, puffed, muscular, and succulent—a hyperbolic Tom of Finland stud incarnate. I was intrigued by the conquest of this hegemonic masculine physique. This exquisite, enticing, and somewhat frightening sexual object.

As an unmoored sexual voyager (and kinesthetic learner) in a world that deliberately withheld any kind of practical queer sexual education, I’ve had to learn the parameters of my sexuality through hands-on experimentation. Was this man something I was into? While no one is entitled to sex with anyone, I couldn’t resist the prospect of finding out what sex with this guy was like.

He was beastly. His body exposed now, he smelled deliberately unwashed. That vague realm of masculine filth and earthen sweetness. His formerly shaven body hair was now varying lengths of prickling growth. As I indulged with him, body to body, I was beginning to wonder if he was toying with corrupting my evident naivete. While laying on my back, I let him hold my mouth open as he extended his tongue and let a line of saliva descend into my mouth. 

Left unchecked by the heteronormative world, the queer sexual frontier truly can be about perverting anything and is ultimately limited by your corporeal physical capacity. Consider the act of fisting. How striking it is to imagine how, as a receiver, you could relax to open your ass that wide. Yet it is even more remarkable to consider what it is like to feel your sexual partner’s heartbeat around your hand, which is deep, deep inside them. 

He started to growl in my ear and tell me increasingly obscene things. One I didn’t quite catch. “Did you just say you once sucked off a dog?” I asked to clarify. 

He grinned, looking directly in my eyes. “I’m a dirty pig. I want to be filthy. I want you to shit on me.” Unambiguous as his words were, I remained unconvinced. Was this guy really such a freak or did he just get off on saying outrageous things to get a rise out of me? I inquired deeper. He told me he used to be more vanilla, but somewhere along his dark sexual journey, he had sex with someone who was into shit. It disgusted him intensely, but through some sexual magic, it also made him obsessed afterwards, as if kinks were communicable. 

Was this about to happen to me? Is this when I would discover the erotic potential of feces? I was certainly feeling disgust, but when does disgust become erotic? At least he was consistent in being utterly excessive. My desire and curiosity awaited a decision from the higher-ups in my brain.

I want to say this is where I made my exit, but I stayed. I want to say that I immediately declined the request for scat play, but I actually thought it out enough to imagine it. As someone familiar with anal sex between men, shit literally comes with the territory. A receiving bottom may douche proactively to clear yourself out. This act is more psychological insurance that allows you to relax easier into getting fucked, rather than a no-shit guarantee. If things do get messy, it is a courtesy to the bottom to be casual and nice about it, although usually it is a signal to stop and clean up. Deliberately embracing the shit was new territory for me however. I considered what it would be like to defecate on someone. Could I see myself doing anything more after that? 

I imagined in this moment what that would be like. I would maybe only do it in the bathroom perhaps, not here, not on the bed. As soon as I envisioned this scenario, I imagined the resulting smell. I wouldn’t want to touch him at that point, rather I would want to wipe everything about that shituation off of me and flee the scene as soon as possible. 

At this point, I was no longer hard, but still there in bed with this man. This encounter was still unresolved. I moved my hands between his legs and pressed my pointer finger into his shorn asshole. He moaned as I pressed inside him and at that moment he began to bear down with his abdominal muscles. I felt his pelvic muscles squeezing and pushing against my finger. I could also feel small bits of fecal matter. He was trying to push something out. I was both appalled and impressed by his gall. At this point though, I knew I didn’t want any new surprise to fall on my lap. When I removed my fingers, he asked me to put it in my mouth. I made a strange calculation: Sleight of hand. I tried to fake him out by licking my middle finger instead. 

“No, no,” he laughed, “do the dirty one.”

I eyed my corrupted finger. It was wet but didn’t have any visible detritus on it. But I knew what I had felt and I didn’t want to taste it. It was time to dispel the fantasy of open sexual borders. “Dude, no, I’m not into that.” 

He looked disappointed as I wiped my hand on his sheets and mentally changed gears to leave, making up some excuse that I was late to meet up with a friend. On my way out, I went to his bathroom to wash my hands. I looked at his toilet for a second and then left. ▩


Slipping Out

I’ll only miss my body, and it’s the one telling me to go

Star Balloon

by

John Rhoades

Season Categories Published
MP314 Fiction

Apr 06, 2021


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The Empyrea Senior Community’s public line is to weather this pandemic like a storm. Batten the hatches. Seal the doors and windows. No visitors, no public meals, orderlies are to be our only contact. I am only let free for the sake of my dog, Charley.

Today, we wander the garden. It’s that or the parking lot. While Charley pees on the petunias I wave a merry hand to my neighbors, locked away for their own safety. Most shades are drawn, who knows what life beats beyond them. When Charley stops to sniff the irises, I pull him away and pick them. They are a deep purple, almost black, and their yellow pollen looks like stars against a gloaming sky. They will be as good a memento as any. I knock on Magda’s window. The orderlies are too busy to notice our mutiny. She cracks the window, I slip her the flowers, she pats my hand, and I steal away.

An orderly left lunch by my bedside. They moved my book, knocked over my plastic cherry blossoms, and the TV remote is on the olive-green linoleum floor. The chicken is frozen and there is no fork. I push it to the floor for Charley. He doesn’t sniff it, only harrumphs with his nose held high and waltzes to his vermillion and downy bed. My fault. I forgot that he is a dignified Frenchman. I genuflect to his preeminent poodle mien in apology. Let the chicken rot, we’re not staying long.

The book the orderly moved is one I wrote. It is about neutrinos. Carl Sagan read it and bought me a drink. The Evangelicals read it and called it a piece of Atheistic idealism. I don’t know which testimonial is dearer to my heart.

I wrote the book as a young woman. The gravity of my personhood was orders of magnitude greater then. I had an office, a desk too heavy to lift, an assistant, and a Meteor Pen. Meteor fragments were fused into its body. Each time I signed my name, always in purple, the event horizon of scientific endeavor shifted, for better or worse, slightly.

When I reread the book in my Altoid-can room, the pages talk less of neutrinos and more of little old ladies. Especially little old ladies reduced to spying on neighbors for entertainment.

I see neutrinos as cosmic voyeurs. Fired out of starry crucibles, they fly uninhibited to the universe’s edge. They are so small, with such a slight mass, that they can slip through an entire planet like an Odyssean arrow, missing every single atom. Some call them ghosts. But even a ghost can rattle the pans, slam a door, and raise goosebumps on the back of your neck. Neutrinos were invited to the cosmic ball but were never asked to dance.

I feel that way. From my thread-bare chair, I run my knotty fingers over the TV remote buttons. The faults and the fears of the world centrifuge before me on the TV. It’s a maelstrom in the elderly quietude of my Salvation Army chic refuge. Charley can ignore it. He hasn’t been political since the Kyoto Protocol floundered. Yet I reel. Sometimes, I think I can hold the world. That I might cut it, mold it, shape it with my Meteor Pen. But generally, it is beyond me. I am an old crone in duckie slippers. The world turns and I watch, pulling stuffing from my chair, just to prove that I’m still real. 

My daughter’s family brought me balloons before the quarantine began. They float haphazardly from slackened strings. They are my calendar. I measure the pandemic by how close to the ground they sink. And they are my scrapbook. Willem Dyer gave me a green one when we graduated college, a blue one on our wedding day, and filled our first house with purple ones before I ever stepped through the door. I brought a bouquet of yellow ones to his wake. My daughter’s are red. They bobble above my unused desk. If I could still wield my pen legibly, I would attach little notes to these balloons and send them out the window. Send Help, SOS, A hundred bucks and a pack of smokes to whoever gets me out.

When I watch the bumbling bumping of the balloons my mind grows unmoored. It shoots beyond the Earth’s orbit, through the Kuiper Belt, and out past the Oort Cloud. The nurses think I’m feeble-minded. I am slow to respond to their questions and rarely track what they say. But I am simply preparing.

I will become a neutrino, so I must travel as they travel. Light.

Imagine the eons of their journey. They spend millennia shooting toward distant starry pinpricks, and FM radio gets spotty past the ionosphere. Memory becomes their only in-flight entertainment. They log light-years in reminiscence.

So I pick my memories out like outfits. The smell of springtime wisteria as I receive my PhD, illicit love with Leonard in a lumpy bed, my daughter’s chubby finger tracing my palms like a star chart. And I pack them away.

There’s nothing else to take. I’ve looked around my dowdy room for anything. The armchair, with its brown Ike-shaped stain, was here when I arrived. Someone (Magda) stole my jewelry box. I’d take the scarlet poppy paintings but they’re only prints, and shoddy ones at that. Charley will miss his toys, but he sees sacrifice as divine.

I’ll only miss my body, and it’s the one telling me to go.

My back says I can’t reach Charley’s canned food on the bottom shelf. My knees are a constant crackling peanut gallery. Conversations with my family are dependent on my mind’s mercurial focus. Most are punctuated with a continuous “Mom you still there?” Simply, my body is tired. Where once there was a wellspring of vitality and energy enough to leave a phallus in the admin’s attendance chart, now there’s only a fart of get-up-and-go and my stomach is too frail for more beans.

Charley’s coming too. We both itch to leave. To wander. We once wanted our own piece of the Berlin wall. To pee in every ocean. But now our gaze drifts upward. A star was just born, and I want to see it before it dies. Magda’s naked cat says Teergarden B has life and Charley wants to sniff it. I promised Charley a visit to the dog star, and Saturn winks at me every night. For now, we entertain ourselves simply; picking fossils from the pebble path; slipping the squirrels my valium; and twirling for the mirror in moth-eaten gowns.

There’s not long to go now. We are neutrinos in everything but form and that will change as well. 

Tonight, Charley and I will wait for the dinner time orderly. She will let me use her phone to call my family. I want to hear them shout, “We love you Gran!” loud enough for me to hear. Next, I will open the windows and release the balloons, they don’t do well caged. Charley will reread his will, everything to the squirrels, can’t let Magda’s cat get the toys. We will both joyfully relieve ourselves one last time. Charley on the chicken, I on the remote. With that done I will hold Charley in my arms and we will turn into neutrinos.

The process is simple. Neutrinos are only the byproducts of decay. The potassium in our bodies creates them naturally. I think of each as an escape pod from my body. Charley and I will each hijack our own little pod and flee. We will become balloons, slipping from our bodies, passing through the ceiling, and then floating into the stars.

We will observe the dimming firelight of the universe. We will see galaxies sail into each other; accretion jets form, ignite, and fade; black holes whirl space through the cosmic washing machine; and finally, see entropy waste it all away.

We will be there for it all. Until finally, when all but the last few photons burn like fireflies around us, I will pick one as a flower for Charley. He will sniff it, I will pat his paw, and we shall turn out the midnight lights and slip away. ▩


Life Rushes Back to Me

After a breakup, surveying what’s left behind

Toenails

by

Rachel Gallagher

Season Published
MP313

Mar 23, 2021


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I recently spent an afternoon trying on silky black bras in a lingerie shop. I tried eight on. The black-haired saleswoman enthusiastically maintained that I looked guapa in each one, while the narrow, shape-slimming mirror they’d crammed into the changing room couldn’t quite convince me. I ended up buying two—one lacy with 10 hooks up the back that looks more like a corset than anything, and one with the supportive padding I desperately craved to make my pale chest look lush and full. Throw in the thongs and I spent upwards of 150 euros to make myself feel sexy two weeks after a long-time-coming breakup. 

I fell in love with Spain after I studied in Seville my junior year of college, then quickly fell in love with a British boy I met on a night out in Berlin. I didn’t want a long distance relationship but he insisted. Looking back, I should have ended things two years ago when he moved to London and stopped calling, but I was 21, stubborn, alone, and moved to Spain to be closer to him. I thought maybe jumping from a nine hour time difference to only one hour would solve our problems; it was worth a try after finding that kind of love where the laughter is nonstop and it feels like part of you has gone missing when they leave the room. I thought we’d continue doing long distance for a little while, then move to the same country, but two years passed, and after so many teary goodbyes, walking back to him began to feel like pulling my shins through a rushing undercurrent, aiming for the beach in that indirect way lifeguards instruct to escape drowning in a strong riptide. I finally called to tell him I needed an end date for the distance.

After nine nights of smoking mind-numbing joints on friends’ balconies and sleeping on their couches as I awaited a message or call, anything, I remembered that no young woman should wait around for anything, period. Unless she is waiting around for her period, and if that’s the case, good luck! 

En fin: Queue Halloween breakup. My friends and I were out grabbing drinks when I finally ended things, and as the previously-aloof waiter neared our table with the next round of red wine, I melted into a shaking teary mess. He hurried to set our drinks down. I tried to excuse my appearance, explaining the situation, and his eyes turned down at the corners with the universal empathy strangers offer breakups and the wisdom nobody wants to hear: “there are so many more fish in the sea.” At that moment I wondered what my fish would end up doing with the second-hand tweed trench coat I bought during our trip to York and left in his dingy, windowless fishbowl of a room.

Three days passed and that slimy fish told me he was flying to Greece because the weather in London was making him sad, to meet the petit French girl he’d been spending all his time with during those nine days of no response. She’d apparently flown there the week prior, and I guess her Airbnb had enough room for two. And two weeks later and there I was, unraveling in the wake of that, spending my afternoon committing the crime known as retail therapy, with little money but enough time to have stitched together each of those frivolous undergarments myself.

When I moved to Seville four years ago my only responsibility was passing my college courses. I remember packing my favorite pair of heeled clogs, old coats that smelled like the log cabin I grew up in, small, meaningful baubles, and oversized gold hoops a neighbor gave me before the trip. A few weeks after my arrival, my ancient host “mom” pointedly told me she only drinks on her birthday after I started coming home past seven in the morning on the weekends. I went salsa and bachata dancing with friends, nursed warm kebabs in the early morning light after the clubs closed. I bought myself skirts and gaudy earrings at Sunday markets, if I woke up in time, and if I happened to lose an earring while out dancing I’d happily hold onto the one that stayed fixed in my ear as a memento and wish its other half well. 

The more I traveled around, the more bits and pieces I lost. I’m sure I left a scarf or two crammed in between cheap, blue Ryanair seats, small fragments likely still wander through winding snickelways in York, and I consider the DNA evidence, like skin cells or my red hair, that’s attached to so much of my stuff out there, lost. Lost like the tiny crescent moons that fell hidden into the gapping floorboards where my childhood bed used to sit in my parent’s house: toenail clippings.

I hadn’t realized I lost so much of the 20-year-old me, but recently I’ve caught myself searching for my missing bits and pieces. Back then I considered those scatterings to be a sort of thoughtless generosity toward the world. Now, looking back at the past three years I feel cheated; it should have been me going to Greece, me living the life in front of me instead of waiting around for phone calls. I hadn’t just lost memorabilia or jewelry, rather parts of that courageous and unapologetic undergraduate student who boarded her flight to Seville four years ago alone, bright, and full, like the sun rising on a bluebird day. Or bright and full like the last shining, hard-boiled egg waiting in stained tupperware at the back of the fridge. 

After I spent the weekend buying lingerie, I boiled 18 eggs, none of which could be lonely in such a crowded pot, as deviled egg prep for this year’s far-from-home Friendsgiving. Sarah hosted at her apartment. Originally, I told my friends I wanted to host at my place, where there’s a nice view out to a garden that surrounds a single massive phallic palm tree. I tried the phallic palm tree argument, but the balcony doors at her place swing open extra wide for the smokers, plus we all love the garish red and yellow wall paint (¡Viva la Espana!), and Sarah is rigidly stubborn, so I caved. I spent five hours roasting a lavish chicken, my first avian in the oven, to be met at her door by two of the same last-minute deadbeat invites I left the United States to escape.

Here they were. The downer American dudes. Averted eyes, unkempt sweatshirts with their college football team in bright orange or yellow, mom forgot to pay my rent this month, I’ll talk over you until you’re forced to agree with me, you can’t make me care American men. 

While one American downer dude showed up, lanky in sweatpants although well prepared with a bottle of rum—I’ll call him The Wandering Eye—the notably tinier of the two walked in and tossed ‘la ensalada de remolacha de ayer‘ (yesterday’s deadbeet salad) onto the table. There it sat, also looking as small and uninviting as its owner, amongst an otherwise divine array of dishes my friends and I spent the week divvying up, planning, and preparing. 

Luckily, that night we enjoyed ourselves by drinking and targeting the little American with some of the cruelest jokes only drunken, jaunty young women can whip up. After a long and tiring rant about the prospects of communism, I hotly inquired on why, exactly, he’d chosen Spain over Russia. Four bottles of cider and seven bottles of slow mulled wine later, he voiced his impatience with the mulling process with a repeated, “Come on guys, isn’t it done yet?” egging us yipping she-wolves on. 

The only thing the boys seemed to be able to do was to gobble up most of my 18 hard boiled eggs. Which I had meticulously peeled, halved, balanced, and restuffed, so really 36 deviled eggs in total.We served dinner and sat around the living room table, pants unbuttoned in a show of traditional American gluttony. Our Spanish friend, Majo, nicknamed the smaller man “little hobbit” (leetle hoebeet) which, he may have pretended not to hear out of embarrassment, The Wandering Eye, my preferred rum-wielding bachelor, alternated between pouring everyone shots of spiced rum and eyeing my cleavage (yes, I boldly wore the black, post-breakup push-up bra, and yes, I was flattered.)

Amid this sloppiness, the exigencies of the pandemic demanded that we finish the bottle of rum and the previously sidelined bottle of tequila before the boys had to leave to make it home before a newly instated Covid-19 curfew. Oblivious to the not-so-subtle hints we’d been dropping, the Cinderellos finally scrammed as the bell tower nearby dolled out twelve heavy tolls. 

Spanish curfew runs from midnight to six in the morning, which is obviously not enough time to polish off 13 bottles, so the girls slept over and kept drinking. We giggled, we lounged, the girls’ new Swedish roommate Michelle even pulled out her hairbrush to tame snarls in her lusciously long locks. I recently discovered that she braids her hair every night before going to sleep, which is something I thought women only did in fairytales. As Michelle gracefully stroked her hair, parted over either shoulder, Sarah leaned forward with a joint hanging off her lip and snorted, (“yesterday’s beet salad?!”) Michelle and Sarah sat side by side, but they could’ve been from different planets; that scene from the 1967 claymation Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer came to mind, the Island of Misfit Toys.

I turned up the speaker as Majo thumbed through her reggaeton playlist. Sarah spilled nugs of weed out onto one of her many books dedicated to spliff rolling—an American history book (in Spanish) with that classic painting of the elderly farmer couple gripping a spade and pitchfork in front of a barn—and her eyes fixated on her fingers, while Michelle continued to preen. After a puff or two, like every other time we mix and match weed and alcohol, I suddenly wake up the next morning on Sarah’s couch. I feel my heartbeat leap into my temples, drumming away as life rushes back to me. 

I’m far away from my loving family as the holiday season kicks off. Last night confirmed that American men will never be an option even though I’m stingingly single, and after leaving so much of myself scattered all over the world I’m not sure who’s left lying here on Sarah’s couch. Not to mention I have 1,000 euros to my name. Well, less now, after the new underwear.

The bassline in my temples intensifies and as I reach for a teacup filled with water. I struggle to catch my breath, which comes in slow and shallow and my mind wanders to oxygen tanks and ventilators. Sarah and I keep the lights off and sit with our eyes shut on her couch for the afternoon. The sunny, warm Spanish day passes us by while we sit inside and wallow in our hangovers surrounded by those dark red and yellow walls. Too anxious to sleep, I stare at the bright colors on my phone screen until my head can’t take it anymore and then close my eyes to play memories over and over in my head until that gets to be too much and I pull the handheld dopamine machine out, again. 

The profile of my ex-boyfriend’s face appears in the memory, always half-turned away, his words spin around in my head like a repetitive, warbled, poorly written and produced record, and I sit and feel bad for myself for an entire day.

The world’s tiniest violin sounds much pitchier hungover. 

And what’s a young woman to do when the world’s got her down? When her own bad habits turn one night of fun into an extra day of self-inflicted misery? She leaves the house in yesterday’s outfit for pizza and pitchers! There’s no good-morning text to reply to—nor the more likely scenario: complaining about the lack thereof—and I’m that much more present when Majo jolts us all out of our stupors by jabbing her icy claws up the backs of our shirts and everyone is finally ready to start another day together, albeit a little late. I slide my feet into the same black leather boots I’ve managed to hold onto for three years and loop my favorite of the masks Kat’s mom made and mailed us over my ears before practically running down the stairs. Side-by-side, we’re good as new.

Sundays are for hand-rolled cigarettes, personal pizzas, burrata balls, and Tinder! Stepping out into the dying daylight, my arms link with those of my friends. While we laugh about last night, a young woman’s voice pipes up from somewhere between my head and my heart. My 20-year-old self, she sounds familiar, and free, and she characteristically mutters something I don’t quite catch. I turn my head as we walk, new strength in my steps, to look at the faces of friends. Under the masks, I know, are smiles stained with flecks of last night’s lipstick and wine. The street outside their apartment with the tall, heavy wooden door is busy in the twilight, families and couples wander past, while we walk out into a fresh, if chilly evening.

One picnic bench outside the pizza place empties and we sit down around a pitcher of beer. I pour it, frothing, into everyone’s little cañas, generous and surrounded by friends who do the same for me. The girls laugh as a couple of indecisive pigeons fly up suddenly from under a bench nearby. Someone knocks over a glass of beer that spills eagerly over the edge of our table and we lament the loss, I jokingly giggle “bye bye.” 

Those little pieces of me and all my crap floating around the world, maybe they’re lost parts, but probably they’re unexpected whispering gifts. Looking around at my friends makes me realize that losing things was really just outgrowing things that I probably shouldn’t have squeezed into in the first place, but I can’t blame my 20 year old, curious self. I’ll leave those bits and pieces in easy to find places for the next woman. Those Ryanair seats might be comfier when passengers unknowingly encounter a little piece of me as extra butt-padding. York’s snickelways echo a little louder with my bits of love and laughter bouncing around on treacherously uneven cobblestone, and my mom probably even collected my sliver toenails from the floor of my childhood room, to cherish them when I’m so far away. ▩


What Nabokov Can Teach Us About Britney Spears

Lolita’s deranged protagonist fell in love with a fiction. Did we?

by

Grace O'Neill

Season Published
MP312

Mar 09, 2021


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There are many disturbing moments in Framing Britney Spears, the New York Times documentary unpacking the complicated and morally dubious conservatorship the singer has been placed under for the last 12 years, but not all of them have to do with her current legal situation.

In 2008, following Spears’ well-documented public breakdown in the late ‘00s, her father Jamie Spears was appointed her conservator, assuming full responsibility for her decision-making and finances. Conservatorships tend to be temporary legal fixes, or applied in cases where the conservatee is very old or severely or mentally incapacitated. And yet, Spears has remained legally controlled by her father for more than a decade. 

Framing Britney Spears does a good job of simplifying a fairly complicated legal situation and shining a light on the grassroots, community-led movement to #FreeBritney. (Spears’ most recent request to have her father removed as conservator of her estate was rejected by a Los Angeles court judge in November.) But above all, the documentary serves as a damning cultural document that concisely presents the many sins committed against Spears by the tabloid media. Some of those details have long been crystallized in popular culture—a crying Spears tormented by packs of paparazzi, or attacking a car with an umbrella—but many have been conveniently forgotten. 



Those who grew up idolizing Spears will be particularly troubled by footage of journalists asking a teenage Britney whether or not she is a virgin, and of a middle-aged male chat show host openly gawping at and commenting on “the elephant in the room”—her breasts. Spears’ first Rolling Stone cover, shot in 1998 when she was still 16, is similarly unsettling. It shows Spears sprawled across a pink satin sheet wearing polka dot knickers and a pushup bra, cradling a Teletubby doll in the nook of her right arm. In other pictures from the spread, she wears underwear and a shrunken cardigan to pose in her childhood bedroom, surrounded by porcelain dolls and stuffed animals. In the accompanying profile, the writer Steven Daly refers to Spears as “bubblegum jailbait” and practically drools over her “honeyed thighs” and “ample chest.” 

Framing Britney Spears dubs these images “Lolita-esque”, referencing the titular character in Vladamir Nabokov’s incendiary masterwork. First published in the United States in 1958, Lolita depicts a sexually abusive relationship between Humbert Humbert, a pedophile who “falls in love” with his prepubescent stepdaughter, Dolores Haze, then abuses her for years following the death of her mother. Humbert speaks of girls between the ages of 9 and 14 who enthusiastically engage in sexual relationships with much older men—calling them ”nymphets.” In his re-telling, Dolores is not a 12-year-old child but a nymphet named Lolita. The book has been oddly reframed in certain cultural retellings as a love story, but it is really an insight into the mind of a depraved sexual lunatic, and an exploration of the extraordinary lengths he will go to to justify his unforgivable deeds. 

As luck would have it, I was midway through re-reading Lolita when I watched Framing Britney Spears, inspired after binging Jamie Loftus’ brilliant podcast series, Lolita Podcast, which published its final episode in January. Having found myself again immersed in the disturbing mind of Humbert Humbert, it was difficult not to read Framing Britney Spears as a kind of Nabokovian tragedy, replete with nymphets, teen pregnancies, and wicked father figures. Lolita comparisons have dogged Spears through much of her career, and the temptation to draw parallels is reasonable enough. Those looking to condense Framing Britney Spears into a single sentence could feasibly suggest that Spears was, like Dolores Haze, an over-sexualized teenager, carelessly discarded when she aged out of girlhood. In this retelling, Britney is Dolores and we—the public who voraciously consumed her—are a pack of Humberts. But any kind of argument that endeavours to condemn society in general as being generally bad is largely uninteresting to a writer. The truth is always more complicated. 

To reframe Britney Spears as Lolita is to rob her of any personal agency—or, as Tavi Gevinson put it in New York Magazine, to argue she was “never in control.” Lolita is, after all, literally imprisoned by Humbert, her legal guardian. In possibly the most heartrending passage of the whole book, Nabokov writes: “At the hotel we had separate rooms, but in the middle of the night she came sobbing into mine, and we made it up very gently. You see, she had absolutely nowhere else to go.” 

Is this really an apt comparison for the early stages of Britney Spears’ career? There’s certainly no question that her initial success rested largely on the discomfiting but compelling blend of God-fearing girlishness and brazen sexiness that her early songs and music videos perfected, a blending that was nymphet-esque in nature. But to believe that Spears’ entire career was manufactured by despicable quasi-pedophilic record execs, either without her input or against her will, feels slightly puritanical—particularly since it wilfully ignores Britney’s own account of events (something sorely missing from almost all of these conversations).

Take, for instance, the music video for “…Baby One More Time.” The midriff-baring sexy schoolgirl look may seem like it crawled out of one of Humbert Humbert’s sexual fantasies, but Spears devised the concept herself. “I wrote an idea which sucked,” director Nigel Dick wrote in a Q&A on his website, “so the label put me back on the phone with Britney who told me she wanted to make a video where she was stuck in a classroom thinking about boys and we took it from there.” (Spears has also confirmed the video concept was hers multiple times.) Similarly, Dick had asked the stylist to dress Spears in “jeans, sneakers, and a T-shirt,” but Britney insisted she should wear a skimpy school uniform that tied at the waist. 



Nigel Dick was, at this point, one of the most revered music video directors in the business. His list of credits included Cher’s “Believe”, Oasis’ “Wonderwall,” and Guns N’ Roses’ “Sweet Child O’ Mine.” That Spears—a teenager working on her first music video for a debut single that she hadn’t even released yet—had the wherewithal to tell a man 28 years her senior that she hated his concept and insist they film hers, speaks to a strength of character and creative vision that she is rarely credited as having. She was five weeks shy of her 17th birthday at the time, still a schoolgirl. Should the adults in the room have stopped her, knowing the video was playing into the troubling fetishization of schoolgirls, something that Britney likely didn’t fully understand? Almost certainly. But this story pokes a hole in the argument that Spears had no say in the creation and execution of her oversexualized image. 

Questions of accountability, autonomy, and responsibility present themselves in a more obvious way when it comes to the infamous Rolling Stone shoot. LaChapelle, the photographer, insists he and Spears collaborated on the concept—“we knew what we were doing when we did those photos,” he says. Spears remembered differently in a 2003 interview with British GQ. “I didn’t really know what the hell I was doing,” she said. “In my naive mind I was like, ‘Here are my dolls!’ and now I look back and I’m like, ‘Oh my gosh, what the hell?’” 

Spears was one of the first pop stars to dabble in the Lolita aesthetic, but she certainly wasn’t the last. Lana Del Rey has long made overt allusions to Lolita in both her songwriting and her visuals—“Carmen” from her first album, recreates the song Dolores sings to Humbert the first time he abuses her. Katy Perry coos about “studying Lolita religiously” in “One of the Boys” and dresses like Lolita (the one immortalized by Sue Lyon in Stanley Kubrick’s 1962 film adaptation) on the album’s cover art. Last year’s music video for the BLACKPINK and Selena Gomez track “Ice Cream” is chock full of Lolita innuendo—heart-shaped glasses, skimpy schoolgirl outfits, and cherry motifs. 

Britney Spears sang about being “not a girl, not yet a woman,” and most female pop stars have occupied the chasm between childhood and womanhood. It’s no coincidence that most of the world’s most influential entertainers were introduced to us when they were children—Miley Cyrus, Zendaya, Selena Gomez, Ariana Grande, and Demi Lovato all began their careers as child stars, while Rihanna, Taylor Swift, Billie Eilish, Lorde, and Beyoncé all released their first albums when they were 17 or younger. 

The natural conclusion here might be to deduce that our entertainment industry is run by a cabal of malevolent, horny record execs—there’s certainly no question that we live in a culture where youth is fetishized—but I’d argue there are less nefarious factors at play too. Teenage girls are an extraordinarily powerful consumer base. “In almost all cases, the success of a pop artist can be traced back to… the teenage girls that rallied behind them from the beginning, transforming them into megastars,” writer Douglas Greenwood declared in NME in 2018.

That same year, Dr. Francesca Coppa released The Fanfiction Reader, where she argued that the endorsement of teenage girls was essential to the success of our culture’s most revered musicians, including David Bowie, Alice Cooper, and Michael Jackson—as well as the usual suspects like the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. Nowadays we have Lil Nas X, BTS, and Harry Styles. 

Britney Spears understood the exact audience she needed to woo to become the star she aspired to be. When she decided to sex up her Catholic school girl uniform in the “…Baby One More Time” video, she wasn’t doing it to appease ogling middle-aged men. She did it because, after months spent performing early versions of the single in malls around America, she understood what teenage girls wanted. Pop stars don’t generate cultural changes—they perceive them, they capitalize on them, and, if they’re lucky, they come to represent them. Spears was coming of age alongside the rise of so-called “raunch” culture—what Ariel Levy called the generation of “female chauvinist pigs”—exemplified by Girls Gone Wild, which had debuted a year before she released her first single. This is the reason I am so reticent to strip Spears of autonomy in the creation of her own sexual image—her success hinged on it, and it is Britney who deserves the credit. 

Does this mean middle-aged men didn’t ogle anyway? Or that Spears’ hyper-sexual persona wasn’t—dare I say it—problematic? Of course not. Spears’ sexual experimentation in the public eye actually serves as a pretty good microcosm for the complexities, inconsistencies, and contradictions that make up the sexual development of teenage girls in general—particularly those who were growing up during the first wave of the proliferation of free internet porn. Most women of the generation who grew up listening to Spears will tell you the period they felt most sexualized by society was when they were young teenagers. Wolf whistling, uncomfortable staring, and casual groping were all dominant features of my own early adolescence, most often when I was in school uniform.

By the time I was in the eighth grade, run-ins with creepy older men had become relatively normalized. So much so that when two classmates regaled a story of having an elderly man aggressively masturbate to them on the bus, we all giggled and shrieked like the girls in Anaïs Nin’s Little Birds who mock the sad old pedophile trying to lure them into his lair with exotic feathered creatures. These run-ins felt disturbing, but also quietly thrilling, as if I’d found myself suddenly radioactive with a new kind of superpower—albeit one that frightened me, because I didn’t really understand how it worked. Of course, years later, I began to notice the vulnerability of uniformed teenage girls on buses, and at some point was hit with the stomach-dropping realization that I never held an iota of the power I thought I did.

When these instances become recurring parts of your adolescence, you internalize the idea that you are a sexual object to the point where you’re not sure where the fetishized view of your sexuality ends and the “real” one begins. This is the inescapable conundrum those attempting to understand Britney Spears’ cultural legacy are destined to knock heads with—how much agency does a teenage girl ever really have? How much control of her own sexuality can she exert when her presentation of that sexuality is so informed by the male gaze? How does she even know which decisions she is making off her own accord, and which are being foisted upon her, if not by individual people, then by a culture that places youth, sex, virginity, and whiteness on such a lofty pedestal? 

There are, of course, no simple answers to these questions. Do I wear makeup because I like makeup or because Revlon has been conditioning me to think I do since birth? Do I shave my underarms because I prefer them shaved, or because we live in a society with beauty standards that encourage women to resemble their prepubescent selves? Do I want to marry my partner, or have I been brainwashed into embracing an outdated institution with sexist roots? Questions tackling the often imperceptible lines between empowerment and exploitation, particularly in regards to young women, aren’t going away any time soon. The important thing is that we’re finally starting to address them. 

So, what can Nabokov teach us about Britney Spears? Much of Lolita’s brilliance and notoriety stem from the fact that Dolores Haze remains so unknowable to us throughout it. We are only given slight grabs at who she really is, and even these are never truly independent from the predatory gaze of Humbert. At the core of Reframing Britney Spears lies a similar conundrum. As it currently stands, Britney is unknowable to us because she either can’t or won’t speak for herself. (A documentary in which she will appear and address the conservatorship is reportedly in the works.) And so the paparazzi who made her life a living hell, a random smattering of New York Times staffers, and the hosts of a Britney Spears fan podcast are tasked with filling that same vast expanse, ultimately leaving the viewer with as abstract a picture of who Britney Jane Spears is as those who read Lolita are given of Dolores Haze.

This is perhaps the truest sense in which we can see Britney Spears as Lolita—those who have fallen in love with her fell in love with a fiction. “I knew I had fallen in love with Lolita forever; but I also knew she would not be forever Lolita.” Among the rallying cries to #FreeBritney I sometimes wonder if the media hasn’t simply turned Spears, once again, into a plaything for our culture to consume, like Humbert tracking Lolita down all those years later, trying to shove money into her hands to atone for his sins. If this is the case, perhaps the best thing we can do is—in the immortal words of Chris Crocker—simply leave Britney alone. At least until she is willing and able to speak for herself. ▩


How to Stop the Pandemic Profiteers

The pharmaceutical industry has come to prioritize intellectual property over human life. It’s time for a new regime

Big Pharma profits during pandemic

by

Nidhi Achanta

Season Published
MP311

Feb 23, 2021


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HIV/AIDS emerged as a major public health crisis in the 1980s. By the end of the decade, pharmaceutical manufacturers, in collaboration with academic researchers, had developed a series of new treatments to combat the virus. The treatments were effective. 

They were also expensive. Many countries in sub-Saharan Africa, where HIV spread widely, strained their national budget to pay for the drugs. “If there was a better developed generic market for these products, it could have saved many peoples’ lives,” the medical historian Joseph M. Gabriel told me. Major pharmaceutical companies and their enablers labelled efforts to produce cheaper generic versions of HIV/AIDS drugs as “piracy,” and sued to protect their “intellectual property”—and deprive millions of people of cheap access to the medicine. 

In December 2020, Pfizer, a multinational pharmaceutical company, and BioNTech, a biotech company based in Germany, obtained an emergency-use authorization for their Covid-19 vaccine from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. As of December, 96% of Pfizer’s supply was purchased by rich countries representing less than 15% of the world population. At the same point, Moderna, another vaccine producer, had sent 100% of its supply to rich countries. AstraZeneca and Oxford University allocated 64% of their vaccine supply to developing nations, enough to vaccinate only 18% of the world population in the next year. 

Many vaccine producers have made a show of their generosity—with immense benefits to their public reputations—but there is much reason for skepticism. Moderna announced it would no longer enforce patents on its Covid-19 vaccine. And yet, the humanitarian organization Doctors Without Border warns that, despite this pledge, the company could still protect “know-how, technology, and other components of vaccine development and manufacturing… under IP rules.” And the company has announced its plans to profit from its vaccine. AstraZeneca, for its part, has promised in multiple agreements that it would not profit off of its vaccine during the pandemic. Yet, its deal with Oxford University still allows it to take a 20% profit margin and grants it the ability to “end” the pandemic as it wishes simply by judging the pandemic to have concluded, thereby terminating those legal agreements. This could happen as early as July of this year.

Corporate interests have perpetually hindered efforts to achieve universal, quality healthcare in both developed and developing countries. Patent protections are one of the biggest stumbling blocks in the quest for healthcare equity. During the Covid-19 pandemic, as during the HIV/AIDS crisis, pharmaceutical companies are poised to prioritize profits over people by invoking intellectual property rights—despite their PR-minded assurances to the contrary. Millions more will die if we continue to treat intellectual property rights as more important than universal access to a publicly-funded vaccine. Instead of coddling the pharmaceutical industry and allowing drug companies to make obscene profits from publicly-funded research, governments should suspend intellectual property rights and demand that Covid-19 vaccines be made free and universal.


In the mid-19th century, prior to the American Civil War, physicians and reputable manufacturers considered patenting medical products to be unethical. Medical knowledge, once discovered, was deemed property of the public rather than the manufacturer, and according to Gabriel, the medical community saw monopolizing life-saving drugs for self-serving purposes as a form of quackery. In promoting high drug prices and encouraging competition among researchers, patents were seen as undermining the basic commitments of science, wrote Gabriel:

“[Orthodox physicians] described medical science as a benevolent process based on personal sacrifice, proper character and conduct, and the sharing of information among peers. Commercialism was thus juxtaposed to the supposedly gentlemanly character of the physician, and the open circulation of knowledge about healing goods within the medical community was central… to the conduct of medical science.”

This widespread “anti-patent” sentiment, which understood medicine as transcending commercial interests, was integrated into many prohibitions of patented products or items made with secret ingredients. In 1847, the newly founded American Medical Association’s (AMA) Code of Ethics stated, it is “derogatory to professional character for a physician to hold a patent for any surgical instrument, or medicine… whether it be the composition or exclusive property of himself, or of others.”

As a result of pressure from physicians, U.S. drug manufacturers generally adhered to the orthodox ethical standards of their day: they did not use patents, secret ingredients, or public advertisements, and they avoided the commercial promotion of products before the medical community approved them.

But as medicine became more chemically complex toward the end of the 19th century, the prevailing thinking around patents began to change. Chemical manufacturers, unconcerned with orthodox medical ethics, began releasing patented medical products while advertising them to the public. Foreign manufacturers likewise introduced medical products—which were often effective—with little concern for the distinction between science and commerce, wrote Gabriel. And U.S. manufacturers struggled to protect the increasingly significant investments they put into researching and developing new drugs. Some reformers in the medical community argued that patents actually resulted in better manufacturing standards. In 1912, the AMA ended their prohibition of physicians holding patents.

In today’s world, patents prevail. By controlling their “intellectual property,” pharmaceutical companies maintain exclusive rights to their drugs for at least twenty years. This means generic drug manufacturers cannot produce the medicines at lower prices without risking lawsuits or penalties in court. Moreover, in countries like the U.S., governments do not leverage their power to bargain with pharmaceutical companies to control prices. And even after patent protections lapse, pharmaceutical companies engage in “patent evergreening,” a process by which they file patents for additional, small changes to their drugs to lengthen monopolies and prevent the production of generic versions. 

Patent protections are highly correlated with astronomically high drug prices. Researchers at MIT and Boston University found that for some cancer-treating drugs, prices dropped around 38-48% after patent protections expired. The deleterious effects of these high drug prices are well-documented. As of 2016, Americans with type 1 diabetes spent an average of $5,705 annually on insulin. Many working-class people must ration the drug, which can lead to diabetic ketoacidosis and other fatal complications. 2.2 million heart disease patients in the U.S. ration their medication annually, according to one study from Yale. The researchers found that this practice was especially common among women, those without health insurance, younger adults, and those that earn lower incomes.

The regime of astronomical drug prices has impacted developing countries in an especially dangerous way. Doctors Without Borders often cannot provide for its patients simply because drugs are too expensive or are no longer produced, both of which are a direct consequence of patent protections.

Patent protections are not just a problem in themselves, of course, but are also the product of a perverse effort to reconcile medicine to the profit motive. In the shadow of colonialism, developing regions without access to basic sanitation struggle with neglected tropical diseases like Hansen’s disease (leprosy), dengue fever, and cysticercosis. The Drugs for Neglected Diseases initiative (DNDi) does heroic work treating NTDs, but can only do so much in the absence of meaningful industry support. “A large number of big pharma companies have abandoned the field of infectious disease,” DNDi executive director Bernard Pécoul told a reporter. “Companies concentrate on the market that is attractive in terms of profit.” 

Even in the United States, easily curable diseases plague communities that can’t afford to pay high drug prices. Residents of Lowndes County, Alabama, where 72 percent of people are Black and more than a third live below the poverty line, struggle with hookworm. In one study, one in three residents tested positive for traces of the intestinal parasite.

The treatment, two tablets of albendazole, can kill hookworm in a matter of days, and, notably, the patent for albendazole has expired. The drug costs four cents in Tanzania. Yet in the U.S., it costs $400. Since the parasitic disease is concentrated in low-income areas of the United States, drug companies see little profit potential in the drug and have ceded the market to Impax Laboratories, which, as the only manufacturer of albendazole, can charge whatever price it wants.


Researching vaccines is a pricey endeavor, but billions of dollars in funding from governments, nonprofit organizations, and the private sector allowed manufacturers to start making Covid-19 vaccines even before they knew of their efficacy—which, given the financial risks, would never happen with other drugs.

As researchers and manufacturers produced the Covid-19 vaccines in record time, developing countries have proactively tried to prevent the inequities that have defined global pharmaceutical production in the past. India and South Africa have petitioned the World Trade Organization to waive patent protections—thus allowing manufacturers to produce affordable, generic versions of the vaccines. “An effective response to the Covid-19 pandemic requires rapid access to affordable medical products,” says their proposal, known as the TRIPS Waiver. Of the WTO’s 164 members, one hundred support the proposal. Doctors Without Borders has defended the proposal as well and has called on governments and the pharmaceutical industry to “put lives over profits.” Yet the WTO, which has its “decisions taken by consensus among all member governments,” has declined to act on the petition. Unsurprisingly, high-income stakeholders such as the US, Japan, the UK, the EU, and Canada—whose governments have purchased nearly all of Pfizer and Moderna’s supply—have refused India and South Africa’s proposal. 

The TRIPS waiver model has been proven to work. In May 2020, Gilead Sciences, a California-based pharmaceutical company, signed licensing agreements with five generic manufacturers in India and Pakistan to produce remdesivir, a drug used in treating Covid-19. The licensing agreements allowed these companies—Cipla, Hetero Labs, Jubilant Lifescience, Mylan, and Ferozsons—to reproduce generic versions of the drug in 127 countries. Not only has this resulted in steady supplies of remdesivir in many developing countries, but these supplies have come at a cheaper price, too. Before we shower Gilead in praise, remember that the company’s greed still leaves nearly half of the world’s population to pay remdesivir’s monopolized price.

In response to the TRIPS Waiver proposal, Thomas Cueni, director general of the International Federation of Pharmaceutical Manufacturers and Associations (IFPMA), wrote that it is “unclear” how suspending intellectual property rights will achieve a fair distribution of the vaccine. What certainly is clear, however, is that protecting intellectual property rights only safeguards pharmaceutical companies’ profits. What should we seek to prioritize: saving vulnerable lives or satisfying pharmaceutical companies’ greed amidst a pandemic?

And in any case, Cueni’s statement doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. Two decades ago, certain countries ultimately waived intellectual property rights for HIV/AIDS drugs, saving millions of lives, according to Doctors Without Borders. Suspending all intellectual property rights would end monopolization on Covid-19-related medical products, and “overriding monopolies on Covid-19 medical tools will allow global collaboration to scale-up manufacturing, supply, and access for everyone,” said Dr. Khosi Mavuso, Doctors Without Borders’ South Africa representative. “Governments cannot afford to waste any more time waiting for voluntary moves by the pharmaceutical industry.” (Via the Covid-19 Technology Access Pool founded by the World Health Organization, companies can donate their knowledge, patents, and technology. However, no pharmaceutical company has chosen to do so willingly.) 

When developed countries turned down India and South Africa’s proposal, they expected developing countries to resort to compulsory licenses—by which a government requires a manufacturer to license the rights to produce a drug in question to other companies. While this method does make it easier to produce generic vaccines, there are flaws to the approach, Gabriel told me. Many countries don’t have laws regarding compulsory licenses, and the specifics vary significantly depending on the national government, specific policies, and manufacturers involved. 

Another avenue to more equitably supply the vaccine is Covax, a program developed by the WHO, Unicef, the World Bank, and the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation that works to secure and equitably distribute 2 billion doses and support on which sixty-seven countries rely. Yet Covax only has enough doses to vaccinate 10% of those sixty-seven countries’ populations, according to Oxfam International. Without resources in the Technology Access Pool and Covax, and given the convoluted nature of compulsory licenses, suspending intellectual property at the level of the WTO is crucial.

And then there is the fact that many of the Covid-19 vaccines are publicly funded—rendering any pharmaceutical industry claim to vaccine-related intellectual property rights that much less compelling. We’re paying for the vaccines, and curiously enough, we’re paying to buy them back. According to the New York Times, Moderna received $2.5 billion from the government for research purposes and preorders, where 100% of research costs were covered. Moderna also received support from the National Institutes of Health (NIH), a government-funded organization, and multiple vaccines’ central technology was developed by the NIH’s scientists. The United States and the EU have given AstraZeneca more than $2 billion, Pfizer has received $6 billion from American and European purchases, and BioNTech has received $455 million in grants from the German federal government. USA Today reported that total government funding for the vaccine has surpassed $9 billion. If massive amounts of taxpayer money fund vaccine development, shouldn’t all intellectual property rights be publicly owned?

“Now that we have tools to end the pandemic, what if they aren’t distributed fairly?” asked Cueni. “My colleagues in the pharmaceutical industry share this worry.” It is hard to take this statement seriously. The pharmaceutical industry can enable generic manufacturers to efficiently vaccinate people in rich and poor countries alike—if it so chooses. Wealthy governments can specify, in their billion-dollar deals, the suspension of intellectual property rights—if they so choose. Yet they have not thus far. Forced to choose between profits and preventing millions of deaths, Big Pharma and the governments of the developed world have made their values clear. ▩


My Descent into the World’s Strangest Radio Mystery

Numbers stations have confounded radio enthusiasts for decades. Are the broadcasts gibberish, or something more?

by

Nick Gallagher

Season Published
MP310

Feb 09, 2021


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The shortwave radio arrived in a small cardboard box on the steps leading to my apartment. I was expecting some hulking thing—a bulky, outdated apparatus. But I picked it up with surprising ease, and inside my room, I opened the package to find a grey contraption the size of a large matchbox. The Radiwow R-108 looked like a kid’s toy with tiny, numbered buttons, an internal speaker, and dials on the side for tuning. A telescopic antenna laid across the top, and an additional wired antenna sat coiled inside its packaging. 

My mission: use my Radiwow to pick up the signals that exist between most AM and FM broadcasts—those of the lesser-known shortwave spectrum. I looked down at this plastic $50 pocket radio and found it unimpressive compared to the vast walls of blinking dials and radar screens that agents use in the movies to track down spies and crack codes. It would have to do.

Among the rogue pirate broadcasts, weather transmissions, and air traffic signals that fill the shortwave radio band, there are stations of unknown origin that have confounded amateur radio enthusiasts for decades. Known by those in the community as numbers stations, these broadcasts stick to a familiar pattern, beginning with an identifiable signature—a string of notes from a song, a repeated word or a set of numerals. That’s followed by eerie, computerized voices that read off nonsensical streams of numbers for several minutes before descending again into the static. 

To an average listener, these broadcasts might sound like gibberish, but radio hobbyists believe they are codes intended for intelligence agents in the field. As far as experts can tell, the CIA, Russia’s Foreign Intelligence Service, Cuba’s Dirección de Inteligencia, and other agencies are among those responsible for the broadcasts, although they rarely admit their involvement. Anyone with a shortwave radio can hear a numbers station transmission by tuning to the frequency from which it broadcasts. But only a person with a special, single-use cipher can decode the numbers and read the message that’s been transmitted.

It’s easy to relegate numbers station theories to the realm of pseudo-scholarship. After all, ours is a time of cyberwarfare, fake news, and Russian bots, which have all been subjects of real and imagined conspiracies in recent years. One theory holds that new 5G networks are to blame for the rapid spread of the coronavirus. That suspicion became so pervasive that the World Health Organization included an entry on its website that clarified that “viruses cannot travel on radio waves/mobile networks,” and the U.S. Department of Homeland Security warned of possible attacks against telecommunication workers. During the month of April alone, around 50 radio towers across Europe were set ablaze by conspiracists.

When I began my research into numbers stations, I found it absurd that governments are sending out signals for spies to receive in the U.S. or Russia or China–just as unlikely as the paranoid ramblings of coronavirus conspiracists. I’d been fascinated by the mechanical and melodic tonal quality of numbers station recordings, but I had always observed them from a safe distance, through YouTube videos or online databases. The pandemic offered an opportunity to put my skepticism to the test. So, I obtained a shortwave radio and began scouring the airwaves. In order to prove that numbers stations were real, I’d have to locate one—and decode it.


My partner Ryan and I had relocated from New York, where we both were attending school, to his grandmother’s home on the North Carolina coast to isolate ourselves during the pandemic. (Ryan’s grandmother had temporarily moved in with his family.) In the confined interior of my Brooklyn apartment, where even a neighbor’s power adapter or Wi-Fi router could cause interference, I had battled a cacophony of buzzes and sheets of white noise. Amid all of the chaos, I felt bad for wondering if the open sea air might improve the range of my Radiwow. 

I placed my radio equipment beside the kitchen table and declared it my new headquarters. After fashioning the wire antenna to the chandelier, I began fiddling with the knobs. In the days ahead, Ryan would occasionally glance up from his laptop or a book with the kind of look that suggested I was up to something illegal. “Can you be done now?” he asked one night. I told him I was working, but to him, whatever I was doing didn’t look much like work. “That thing scares me,” he once told me before heading to bed.

Between seas of static, I came across Christian fundamentalists telling conversion stories, strangers speaking in languages I couldn’t recognize, and morse code stations sending out endless beeps. I would sometimes become convinced that I heard voices in the distance, beyond the static, beaming in through miles and miles of atmosphere. I’d do anything to make the signal a little clearer—stand on my chair or pin the antenna to the ceiling. But whatever I heard was always just out of reach.

I was looking for one of the distinctive signatures that sets each numbers station apart—someone repeating three numbers over and over again to help the listener verify that she has located the correct station. Several hours passed, and I looked down at the notes I’d scrawled to track my progress—the hurried, manic pen marks: 7,030 KHz, morse code; 7,255 KHz, constant beeping; 7,570 KHz, very faint voices; 7,780 KHz, quiet music and talking. They didn’t mean anything, and they led nowhere. It was 2 a.m., and I sat surrounded by bundles of tangled wires in the pitch black. Ryan’s soft breathing filtered in over the static; he’d been asleep for hours in the next room. I adjusted my headphones, pushed my glasses up the bridge of my nose, squinted into the digital glow, and carefully throttled the dial.


The first time I heard a numbers station recording must have been while listening to a peculiar part of “Poor Places,” a song by the band Wilco. As the song ends, a woman’s warbly voice repeats the phrase “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot,” as if under a spell of madness, behind a wall of distortion and roaring guitar feedback. The album the song appears on, one of the most celebrated of the ‘00s, is named after those three words, taken from the phonetic military alphabet. Wilco, I later learned, had sampled the clip from the Conet Project, a set of CDs released in 1997 by a London-based radio enthusiast named Akin Fernandez. His project is made up entirely of numbers station recordings gathered from listeners around the globe.

Numbers stations have never gone mainstream. You won’t find news pundits debating their usefulness or ethical implications on CNN, nor will they come up in a President’s speech. But after the release of the Conet Project, a cult community of artists, filmmakers, and musicians began incorporating the unsettling transmissions into their work. Numbers stations appeared in the Tom Cruise psychological thriller Vanilla Sky, the blockbuster video game Call of Duty: Black Ops, and the hit TV series Lost and The Americans. The uncanny nature of numbers station recordings also made them a perfect fit for David Lynch’s surrealist magnum opus, Twin Peaks.

After years of close monitoring, shortwave enthusiasts have built an impressive log of evidence to support their beliefs on websites and blogs like numbersoddities.nl or signalshed.com. They know when each broadcast will take place, down to the minute, and some of them track how those broadcasts change over time, in the hope that one day they will have enough evidence to decode a message and share it with the world.

Although their origins are unclear, there are several elements of numbers station broadcasts that listeners are sure of. For one, the structure of a numbers station transmission—the signature callout, followed by groupings of numbers—suggests that whoever is sending the broadcast must be employing a cryptographic technique known as the one-time pad. For this communication to be successful, two parties need to possess an identical string of numbers, which are sometimes printed in tiny notebooks for easy concealment. The sender devises a message and translates it into a set of numbers—A is one, B is two, and so on. Next, the sender adds each number to the randomly generated numbers listed on the one-time pad. When the receiver listens to the resulting numbers via shortwave radio, she’ll know to subtract them from the one-time pad to end up with the original message again.

This system is completely impossible to crack because each outcome is equally likely as any other. But according to Jonathan Katz, a cryptography professor at George Mason University, the one-time pad encryption scheme is more trouble than it’s worth. It’s a Catch-22: In order for the system to work as intended, two parties need to meet up and exchange pads in-person, which defeats the entire purpose of communicating internationally through the radio waves. Sending the pad via an online messaging system wouldn’t make sense either. “If you have the ability to exchange something in a secret fashion, then you might as well just exchange the message,” Katz told me. Besides, if a listener missed even a single number in the chain, the entire pad would become useless. One-time encryption was influential in the 1950s, but today, with advanced AI and computing systems, there are much more efficient and secure ways of staying in touch, Katz said. He had no idea why intelligence agents would use such an outdated system to reach each other, and neither did I.


In all of my airwave browsing, I may have come across a numbers station broadcast, but I would never have known it. None of the broadcasts I heard made much sense, and there was no distinguishing between what was supposed to be there and what wasn’t. I needed help, but no one would talk. Avid listeners fear that they could be arrested for monitoring clandestine transmissions. In nations like the U.K., it’s illegal to listen in on broadcasts that aren’t intended for the general population, and because governments keep their shortwave radio activity under wraps, no one knows what might happen if an enthusiast is caught.

I reached out to an enthusiast who’d written countless articles covering the shortwave band. One brief post mentioned that he’d occasionally come across numbers stations in his explorations. Certainly, if he was willing to attach his name to a public post about clandestine broadcasts, he’d be inclined to help me find one. Then, I received a message in my inbox. “Not sure why you contacted me about numbers stations,” his email read. “I am no expert—in all my years in the radio hobby, I think I heard one or two numbers stations and that was way back in the 1960s.” Folks at the Amateur Radio Club at Columbia University referred me to someone who, when asked if he’d be interested in talking, sent this message, unprovoked: “No—I’m not a government person—just shy.” The most elaborate story of all came from an expert in the Netherlands who told me he had recently suffered from a traumatic brain injury, resulting in a complete loss of his memories—including the ones about numbers stations. I have no evidence to suggest that this story was inaccurate. But after a long string of dead-ends, I had my suspicions.

Then I found Lewis Bush. A photographer and academic from the U.K., he became fascinated by the “perverse and paradoxical mixture of visibility and invisibility” that numbers stations inhabit—the fact that anyone can find them, but no one can know what they mean. Even if it was impossible to decode the messages themselves, Bush thought, maybe someone could at least locate their transmission sites. He searched for numbers stations with the help of satellite imaging technology. He would find irregular blotches of grass or other visual anomalies that might clue him in to the whereabouts of a particular site, and with a patchwork of zoomed-in images, he’d create composite aerial shots of supposed numbers station locations, as if they’d been taken from a surveillance plane or drone. 

While working on the project, Bush often found himself behind a computer or radio with few people to share new discoveries with. An emergency helicopter would occasionally hover above his house as it waited for clearance to land at a local hospital, and paranoia ensued. What if someone were listening in on his listening? “I think my housemates at the time felt I was losing it occasionally,” Bush recalled. “They’d hear me at 2 a.m. listening to these weird signals.” Bush’s work culminated in a book of photography and artist’s renderings, Shadows of the State. He had transformed a secretive act of espionage into a work of art and a spectacle accessible to all.

Some enthusiasts speculate that numbers station broadcasts might contain information about a grand conspiracy—an assassination or bombing somewhere—and that uncovering such a scheme could have geopolitical implications. But the truth is that the tedium of everyday life reveals itself even in numbers station broadcasts. When the Cuban Five, a cell of Cuban spies, were arrested for espionage against the United States in 1998, court documents captured the mundanity of their radio transmissions. “Congratulate all the female comrades for International Day of the Woman,” read one message, as reported in the Miami New Times.

And still, the vast majority of broadcasts remain totally unintelligible, leaving space for wild speculation. “The messages are appealing because you can project any fantasy onto them about what they contain,” Bush said.

Even with the clear skies of the Carolina coast giving me reign over the airwaves, I proved an utter failure with my pitiful Radiwow. I realized that if I was to listen in on a secret broadcast myself, I would need to more effectively enlist the help of the internet. I visited Priyom, an online guide created by international shortwave listeners who keep tabs on numbers stations. The home page has a listing of anticipated clandestine broadcasts that spans several days. And at the top, there’s a timer, which counts down to upcoming suspected transmissions. “Next station in fifteen minutes, EO6,” it read. I clicked a link which led me to a software-defined radio site, a web page that lets users listen to radio towers scattered around the globe. The one Priyom directed me to was based in Chongqing, China. It was a Friday night, and as usual, I was perched at the kitchen table, wielding my Radiwow as a backup, just in case. By now, I wasn’t expecting much, but I listened intently with a faint pang of suspense in my gut.

Then came the numbers.


As radio-based conspiracies make a comeback in the coronavirus era, companies like Defender Shield and Vest offer radiation-free baby blankets, headsets, and cell phone cases to cash in on the wave of paranoia. The now-stigmatized tin foil hat has given way to sleeker options, like silver fiber shawls and scarves that double as fashion accessories. Meanwhile, the internet abounds with support groups for “targeted individuals,” people who swear the government is performing secret tests on them through advanced electromagnetic devices. Those theories gained a bit of institutional credibility when, in 2017, the U.S. government expressed concern that an invisible phenomenon was causing brain injuries to its diplomats in Cuba, who had reported disorientation and nausea after hearing strange sonic bursts. Scientists speculated those injuries may have been caused by a weapon that utilized pulsed radio frequencies or ultrasonic signals, while psychologists considered mass hysteria as an alternative possibility.

Although radio paranoia has been common among the general population for decades, Victor Tausk, a psychoanalyst and student of Freud, noticed that fears were particularly acute among people with psychosis, who sometimes believed that a mysterious, unknowable machine was taking control of their minds. The victim almost always believed this machine was operated by a shadowy, sinister group who intended to manipulate or control her, and the components of the machine usually matched whatever cutting-edge technology was taking root at the time. The belief tended to coincide with skin abnormalities and peculiar physical sensations including sexual arousal and electrical tingling.

For James Tilly Matthews, whose schizophrenic symptoms were among the first to be recorded in the early 1800s, the machine was a generator capable of transforming gas particles into condensed streams of magnetic energy. Later, when the radio became the dominant technology of the day, people under the grip of psychosis constructed from its elements new types of mind-reading delusions.

Tausk believed that people who live with psychotic disorders use complex machines and invisible forces as a stand-in for their own deteriorating and fragmenting minds. But the mystery device is not only a reflection of themselves; it also mirrors the ills of the society they live in. “Rather than being estranged from the culture around them, psychotic subjects can be seen as consumed by it: unable to establish the boundaries of the self, they are at the mercy of their often heightened sensitivity to social threats,” said cultural historian Mike Jay in an analysis of Tausk’s theory. It is not that people with mental illness had lost touch with reality—it’s that they’d succumbed to it.


At the kitchen table with arms folded and eyes fixed on my laptop screen, I noticed a strand of purple take form against the dark blue backdrop of the online radio emulator. A haunting, mechanical voice emerged from the white noise: “3-6-1, 3-6-1.” This was the identifier I’d been listening for. Next came the sets of five numbers, which contained the message itself. I imagined a spy listening intently for every number, gradually putting the pieces together. 

But it was only gibberish to me. I listened until the broadcast vanished into the night and was replaced by familiar hisses and crackles. I had no revelations or epiphanies.

My last chance of making sense of the phantom voices I’d heard was to track down the person who drew me to the numbers station mystery in the first place. If there was anyone who knew what was behind all of the static, it’d be the man who brought numbers stations to the public—the creator of the Conet Project, Akin Fernandez. He’d first come across numbers stations while using the shortwave spectrum to pick up weather transmissions. When he discovered the surreal, droning voices transmitted via clandestine sites, it became his mission to collect every possible numbers station recording. I connected with him via video chat at his home in London. Surrounded by shelves of records and books, he peered into the camera as if looking out onto a wide panorama.

Fernandez told me he’s proud of his outsider status, both as the creator of Irdial, his London-based record company, and as a human being. He holds a peculiar amalgamation of beliefs, among them that the world is exactly as old as specified in the Bible, that Bitcoin could cause a worldwide revolution and that people with a mastery of mathematics will be our future leaders. I did my best to follow his logic and nodded occasionally to show I was listening in good faith, hoping that he’d eventually get to the meaning of numbers stations. But the solution never came. “Whether it’s dummy messages or not, or whatever the purpose is—it’s irrelevant,” he said. After decades of searching, Fernandez seemed satisfied with the idea that he’d never know.

It’s this detachment—this ability to shrug off the unknown—that separates casual hobbyists from obsessive listeners. Those who give meaning to the messages are more likely to pass the threshold into paranoia. Radio conspiracies, of course, are no more outlandish than many religious or political beliefs that pervade human society. But when we are alone in our thoughts, it’s easier to dig in, further and further, until we are lost. A vicious cycle ensues: Paranoia breeds solitude and solitude breeds even more paranoia until the internal logic of our mind no longer resembles that of the outside world.

The sun interferes with radio waves as they arc off the ionosphere, meaning many listeners must stay awake until the early hours of the morning to catch certain stations in real time. It’s a solitary hobby, with listeners largely isolated and sequestered in their homes, alone in the dark. I can picture the zealots, conspiracists and wanderers, surrounded by screens and wires, unraveling a conspiracy that reaches as far as their minds will carry it. 

By now, several months after my encounter with E06, I have lost track of my Radiwow. It must be tucked away in some box in my closet, collecting dust, neglected. I can turn it off, even take out its batteries. I can pretend that the numbers stations do not exist. But the radio waves from a thousand unknown stations continue to pass through it. They are there, even when I’m not listening. A subliminal tension occupies my mind. I know that at any moment, I can blow off the dust from the tiny LCD screen, extend the wobbly silver antenna and sink again into the static. ▩


The Popularist

How a dark narrative of apocalypse and decay infected the GOP

by

James Gold

Season Published
MP309

Jan 26, 2021


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“My general theory since 1971 has been that the Word is literally a virus, and it has not been recognized as such … the Word clearly bears the single identifying feature of virus: it is an organism with no internal function other than to replicate itself.”

William S. Burroughs

About an hour after rioters forced their way into the U.S. Capitol on January 6th, Ted Cruz sent out an impotent tweet: “Those storming the Capitol need to stop NOW!” It remains unclear whether Cruz was just panicking, pulling a cynical stunt to try and avoid blame for the violent outburst, or if he legitimately believed that his tweet held the power to pacify the crazed Trump supporters. Since the November election, Cruz has used his platform to advance the “election fraud” narrative and decry COVID restrictions as the work of a “totalitarian cult.” So, why the Senator from Texas was surprised that a group of people who believed that democracy was being subverted by a Satan-worshipping cabal of elites decided to take matters into their own hands is anyone’s guess.

Or, maybe Cruz wasn’t taken aback by the rioters’ delusional fury, but by their usurpation of his moment. The subtext of his tweet is clear—Stop! I will handle this!—but why should the rioters listen? Cruz had helped convince a portion of the nation that the country was being stolen from them—and then proceeded to do nothing but soliloquize on the Senate floor.

Cruz fancies himself a cynical, shrewd politician. A Princeton debater, he is fond of picking up the most incendiary, divisive, anti-establishment rhetoric to propel his own “insurgent” political career. It was only natural that when the reactionary language of Trumpism emerged, he would seek to co-opt its power for his own ends.

But Cruz’s tweet reveals a central fallacy of modern politics. Like many Republicans, he believed that he was using the vocabulary of reactionary ideology for his own benefit. He expected that by telling the reactionary narrative of U.S. politics, he would be in control of the country’s populist right-wing anger.

This isn’t how language works. The words were using Ted Cruz. Cruz is no more powerful than the man with the bubonic plague who, while he is infected, holds the power to kill or spare those around him. Eventually though, the contagion does away with the infected man himself.


The idea that words and stories act like viruses can be traced back to the Beat writer William Burroughs. It was his position that words operate virally, as pieces of un-self-conscious code whose sole function is to replicate itself and which cannot survive outside a host. Have you ever heard of the cordyceps fungus? When a cordyceps’ spore lands on an ant, the ant becomes infected and, as the fungus grows inside it, begins behaving in strange ways. Eventually, the ant will have lost control over its musculature and will be forced, by the insentient fungus, to perform a series of bizarre actions for the benefit of the fungus inside, terminating in the ant’s suicide. The mushroom sprouts from the ant’s corpse and sends out more spores, continuing the cycle.

Language works in this viral way—though as Burroughs observed, we have achieved a symbiotic relationship with language that obscures its nature. Language empowers us, allowing us to communicate and cooperate. The cost is that the language uses us, to perpetuate itself, to infect new minds, to spread itself. Perhaps you’ve had the experience of using a word as a joke, only to find yourself saying it earnestly later on. Or maybe you’ve spent time around a certain community out of curiosity, and you find yourself beginning to agree with them where you didn’t before. Online political communities use memes and irony to draw people close enough to start changing the way they think. The ideas we spend time around worm their way into our thoughts. Sometimes, they colonize our thoughts, influencing the way we think and act.

Stories work in the same way as language or discrete ideas, although stories are much more complex and so too is their infectious process. The raw sensory data of day-to-day living, not to mention a hyper-informational world and thousands of years of recorded history, cannot be rendered intelligible in its totality. You need a “story,” a narrative, which tells you what this all “means.” Your story helps you select what is important to focus on, what events are worth your consideration. You have a story about who you are, about what your past experiences have meant for you, and about what that means your future will likely look like. It may not be a totally coherent story, but with it you have a general orientation towards self and world (or else you’re amidst an existential crisis). When we no longer understand what is happening and why, we search out new narratives. 

Words beget stories and stories beget words: “People seek for vocabularies that are reflections of reality,” wrote literary theorist Kenneth Burke. “To this end, they must develop vocabularies that are selections of reality.” The words one uses are determined by one’s worldview. This worldview—which we figure to be the “accurate” representation of reality—ushers us towards the vocabulary the best supports it us. The opposite is also true, to a lesser extent. Narratives have explanatory function; our vocabularies gesture towards our explanations. Are Black Lives Matter protests “righteous” or “riotous?” Your answer is probably intertwined with how you view U.S. history.

Your understanding of history anchors your narratives about the world. In the light of historical narrative, meaning and order emerge. In this light, you interpret current events. What was allows you to understand what is. These judgments of what is in turn color your vision of what could be in the future.

We are, moreover, always trying to bring others over to our way of seeing things how they “in fact” are. The speaker’s words, and the worldviews they spring from, seek to reproduce themselves in the minds of the audience. Every explanation is, by its nature, a tacit attempt at persuasion. Are you trying to “stop-the-steal” from a totalitarian deep state? Or maybe you are “pro-democracy” and your opponents “insurrectionists.” Each of these characterizations shows your hand. The words you use argue on behalf of the narrative from which they spring. They function like the spores of the cordyceps—little flecks of the narrative which spew out from one person’s fully formed worldview and fall upon the head of some other person, as of yet unaffected by that narrative. Those spores, if they are particularly effective or if their target host is particularly susceptible, may come to “infect” a new host. That person starts becoming shaped by their vocabulary and a narrative starts to grow in their head. When the cordyceps has taken hold of their brain, their meaning-making-machine, they are fit to go spread more spores and convert more followers. Speech cannot be “neutral.” It is an organism all its own.


In 2011, Steve Bannon had his first meeting with Donald Trump in a Trump Tower conference room. Seated silently next to them was the president of Citizens United David Bossie. Bossie had decided it would be useful to introduce the intellectually shallow Trump to Steve Bannon, a scholarly rising star within fringe right-wing politics. The strange bedfellows had convened so that Bannon could give Trump a crash course in political theory and praxis.

Bannon did not take Trump very seriously at the time, but the reality TV star was nonetheless a promising mark to bring into the reactionary fold. Trump, after all, had spent the past four years alleging that Obama was a Kenyan, Communist, and a leftist leading an all-out assault on all that is good and holy. All that Bannon needed to do to win a media ally was sell Trump on populism, a political approach which strives to appeal to ordinary people and pit them against the established “elites.” Towards this end, according to Bannon, he launched into a galvanizing account of the U.S. populist tradition à la Andrew Jackson and William Jennings Bryan. Midway through, Trump interjected. “That’s what I am!” he said eagerly, “a popularist.” Bannon shook his head. “No, no, it’s populist.” Trump, as is his nature, ignored his mistake and doubled down. “Yeah, yeah, a popularist.” Bannon opened his mouth to correct Trump again but shut it when Bossie gave him a swift kick under the table.

Trump would not be a populist; he would be a popularizer. He effected not policy but popular culture. What he popularized was the reactionary-myth; a dark, viral story foretelling the collapse of the United States. The fodder of Bannon, Breitbart, and Q-Anon., the story would completely infect the Republican party—and, in time, the American public writ large.


 Sequencing the Genome

Obama’s victory left the Republican party ideologically compromised. Newt Gingrich’s gridlock obstructionism and botched impeachment, Bush’s two failed wars, the most severe economic crisis since the 1930s, and crushing electoral defeats in ’06 and ’08 had badly discredited the GOP. In the minority, the hollowed-out party was desperate for a path back into power.

A path forward emerged in the form of the Tea Party, a rhetorically vitriolic, venomously anti-establishment movement which disseminated the reactionary rhetorical virus now at the heart of the Republican party. The Tea Party’s apocalyptic narrative, and the way it connected with disaffected, resentful, portions of the population, gave Republicans immense political strength. In turn, its rhetoric would colonize the GOP.

The Tea Party did not come out of nowhere. The appearance of any phenomenon is a late stage of that phenomenon. By the time the boils of bubonic plague blister and ooze upon the host, a violent cellular war has already been fought and lost out of macroscopic view. The roots of reactionary ideology—the absolute opposition to political and social reform under the belief that reform leads to civilizational collapse—trace back to the French Revolution. Frenchmen who “reacted” to the revolution by calling for an end to secular republicanism and a return to Catholic monarchy argued the left was destroying the national moral character, that violent mobs were coming to terrorize the people, and that the country needed to restore its ostensibly stable past.

The earliest French reactionaries sought to address the ills of society by restoring the King. But you’ll find very few monarchists these days. More modern strains of reactionary thought can be traced back to the 20th century and the rise of European authoritarianism. In the early 1900s, French writer René Guénon developed what he called Traditionalism. Traditionalism, ironically, added novel elements to old-school reactionary thought by merging Eastern religious concepts with a profoundly 20th century anxiety about liberalism and global society. Guénon, like our modern prophets of doom, was prone to grandiose pronouncements warning of the imminent destruction of Western civilization.

Traditionalism, the foundation of almost all modern reactionary thought, is a decidedly apocalyptic narrative. Condemning “the modern decadence,” and the “myth of progress,” Guénon believed that the secular and progressive reforms of the 1800s and 1900s would bring about what the Hindus call the “Kali Yuga.” The Kali Yuga is a six-thousand-year dark age wherein tradition is wholly forgotten and society is plunged into a state of total decay and spiritual desolation. In the Traditionalist mind, politics is a zero-sum game. Every step forward for the political left is a step closer to civilizational collapse.


Ronald Reagan was an especially effective host for reactionary rhetoric. His fluency in the new media of cinema gave him, like Trump, the ability to deftly manipulate popular culture—the country’s ideological circulatory system. Without any of the hysterics of Guénon or the Tea Party, Reagan Americanized and popularized the reactionary narrative of progressive liberals rotting all that is good and holy. With a popularist fervor and a smile on his face, Reagan led a revolution of American political discourse.

In Reagan’s telling, America was an inherently just and powerful country; its prosperity was divinely ordained. America’s problems were not caused by imperial overreach in a globalizing world, or by systematic inequality, but by the American left: The left-wing of American politics was literally the force of political, economic, cultural entropy—basically Guénon’s thesis.

Reagan warned that environmental and market regulations were a tool of “controlling people.” He feared “modern-day secularism,” and called for a restoration of Traditional morality. Reagan alleged that the Great Society, a legislative agenda composed of Civil Rights and social welfare programs, “perpetuate[d] poverty,” caused riots, and was responsible for America’s economic difficulties. He reminisced about a time when “the country didn’t even know it had a racial problem,” and argued that “if an individual wants to discriminate against Negroes or others in selling or renting his house, it is his right to do so.” It was liberals, with their incessant whining about race, who were the true source of racial tension.

The U.S. in 1980, like the Republican party in 2010, was a ready host for a new narrative. During Carter’s presidency, liberalism imploded. The U.S. was badly hurting from social unrest, a failed war in Vietnam, and economic downturns which stemmed from the cost of maintaining both domestic programs and primary superpower status in a quickly globalizing world. In the 1960s, critics accused Reagan and Goldwater of offering “simple solutions to complex problems.” But, at the onset of the ailing ‘80s, Reagan’s narrative proved all the more effective for its simplicity. Reagan wasn’t a doomsayer, though; he pitched the reactionary worldview with a charismatic levity.

Carter couldn’t offer anything as flashy. He begged the nation to consider its limits and cease to “worship self-indulgence and consumption.” It was an act of profoundly prescient philosophy and terrible rhetoric. Reagan, for his part, wanted a country “where people can still get rich.” In the 1980 election, Reagan won a landslide victory.


Ever since Reagan introduced the reactionary rhetor-virus, the GOP’s rhetoric has centered around dismantling liberalism under the assumption that domestic peace and prosperity will naturally result. But when that peace and prosperity did not materialize in the ‘90s and early 2000s, the optimism of Reaganism took a darkly Traditionalist turn. After all, if the Republicans held power for so long and yet the Reagan utopia had not materialized, then the liberals must be even stronger, even more sinister, than Reagan thought.

The Tea Party emerged in the late aughts. Cloaking their ideology in the moderate language of small government and fiscal conservatism, Tea Party activists asserted that the left was pushing America to the brink of civilizational collapse. If the liberals cannot be deposed, as Reagan had hoped, they must be destroyed. The Tea Party had no appetite for compromise or civility. There was no price too high to pay to hinder progress(ives)—decency, democracy, and the Republican establishment be damned.

Then-House Minority Leader John Boehner and his fellow conservatives struggled to control the sudden influx of iconoclasts. Their efforts were undercut by Republicans who, like Cruz and Graham today, tried to harness this emergent reactionary narrative for their own political ends. Politicians like Paul Ryan and Eric Cantor encouraged the spread of the Tea Party’s frantic, angry, reactionary rhetoric, betting it could be harnessed to restore Republican preeminence.

Politicians, naïve to the nature of rhetoric, are used to telling fictions they only half-believe. The Republican Party leadership did not understand the immense toxicity and infectiousness of the Tea Party’s apocalyptic orientation. But Steven Bannon did, and he relished the opportunity to burn the system down. Like any graduate of Harvard Business School, Bannon is primarily a rhetorician. He possesses an acute awareness of the power of narrative. This, combined with his fully-fledged reactionary worldview shaped by his right-wing Catholic upbringing, gave him insight into the origins and possibilities of the 2010 Tea Party insurgency. Bannon reasoned (correctly) that the failure of the Iraq War and the financial crisis were the fatal blows to the traditional narratives which kept establishment American authority in place. To so many, the past had become confusing, the present unintelligible, and the future indeterminate. The country was in a crisis of meaning. People were desperate for a new story, and Bannon was going to use the Tea Party movement to peddle it. Bannon had read and absorbed Guénon; he knew the Kali Yuga was engulfing the West. He just needed to spread the word.

Bannon co-founded Breitbart News with Andrew Breitbart in 2007 as an alt-right alternative to both the mainstream media and Fox’s right-wing media empire. Breitbart himself had been a master rhetorician and devoted culture warrior of the first Obama term. But he died suddenly of heart failure in 2012. Bannon, who had been making boring, alarmist political films lauding the Tea Party and attempting to blame the financial crisis of the American left’s destruction of traditional values, returned to Breitbart as its Chief Executive. More interested in outright proselytizing than Andrew Breitbart, and animated by a far more coherent and apocalyptic worldview, Bannon used his direct editorial control as a means of effecting the conversations taking place in the Tea Party and on the increasingly-online alt-right. Bannon had his agenda. But the story of the Kali Yuga had an agenda of its own.


The Armor-Piercing Shell

In his first meeting with Bannon in the Trump Tower conference room, Trump’s insistence that he was a popularist wasn’t a moment of lexical confusion. It was a radical, if accidental, act of self-revelation. The foundation of Trump’s political career was not, like Bannon, a sincere desire to take on the “elites” and “restore” the common man to his place of primacy in the Republican Party. Rather, Trump’s politics is rooted in his fascination with the popular. Like Reagan, Trump was a performer first and foremost. What Trump lacks in political, financial, and administrative acumen is compensated for by a Barnum-esque sixth sense in the realm of popular-culture and new media.

Bannon viewed apocalyptic reactionary rhetoric as a legitimate means of restoring power to the people. Trump saw it only as a means of securing power for himself. Thus, what Trump picked up from Bannon wasn’t the finer points of history, but a pre-constructed rhetorical toolbox which provided grounding to Trump’s shallow reactionary intuitions. He picked up the virus.


Breitbart grew more popular during Bannon’s residence as its leader, coincident with the broader rise of the online reactionary-right during the Obama presidency. It won its biggest victory in 2014 when Breitbart undertook a massive campaign to defeat House Majority Leader Eric Cantor in his Virginia primary race. Cantor’s opponent, little-known economics professor David Brat, appeared on Breitbart’s podcast every week leading up to the election. He used the vocabulary of anti-immigration as a cudgel against Cantor, who supported the GOP’s attempt to win more Hispanic voters by working with the Democrats to pass a bipartisan immigration amnesty bill. Brat savaged Cantor as an elite, a pro-immigration traitor.

To everyone’s surprise, Brat deposed Cantor (who had himself, remember, tried to use the Tea Party to depose Boehner) and became the first person in U.S history to defeat the House Majority Leader in a primary election. The upset sent shockwaves through mainstream media and terrified Republican Party leadership, which rushed to abandon the amnesty bill and to further incorporate the Tea Party’s rhetorical style.

While the GOP establishment was loathe to work with Democrats, they knew full well that the government would cease functioning and fall into disorder if they did not make some concessions. But their base would not permit it. After Cantor’s loss, the GOP swore even greater fealty to the reactionary virus and became even more hostile to compromise.

With elation, Bannon watched Cantor’s defeat and the Republicans’ subsequent capitulation. The GOP establishment was increasingly weak, prime for a hostile takeover. But this usurpation would require something much bigger than the engineering of a single congressional race. Bannon and the reactionary right would need to win the Republican presidential primary if they were to genuinely reorient the party. Bannon wagered that a radical enough candidate would be able to secure a solid base in what was shaping up to be a chaotic primary. The Breitbart executive took a meeting with Ted Cruz, figuring he might be ambitious enough to run the total war campaign Bannon desired. But despite their initial flirtations, Cruz and Bannon would not end up as collaborators.

On June 16, 2015, Donald Trump stood in the lobby of Trump Tower to announce he was running for president. Few expected much from Trump that day. And clearly no one, perhaps not even the man himself, realized that Trump was about to deliver one of the most consequential and effective acts of American political oration in the nation’s history. The address itself was a mess, a jumbled mix of insults (the Republicans are “losers,” the Clintons “murderers”), recriminations (Mexico is sending “drugs…crime…[and] rapists” into the U.S.), and frequent self-congratulatory digressions (“I have a great family”). Trump eschewed traditional oratorical imperatives like cohesion and argument. Politico dismissively called the speech “quixotic” and “entertaining,” as if to suggest Trump might provide some low-stakes levity throughout the primary.

Trump’s use of language is prototypical of the type of virality that Burroughs imagined. Trump uses specific words and phrases that spread like wildfire and embed themselves deep inside people’s minds. Sure, the speech didn’t “make sense,” but CNN doesn’t report on speeches: They report on soundbites. Trump’s focus on clickbaity, viral, reactionary talking points and repetition (read: memes) provided endless soundbites upon which CNN anchors could practice their hollow exegesis. The vacuity of Trump’s actual ideology was irrelevant. The mainstream media was bewitched, and it would unknowingly reproduce Trump’s words, his rheto-virus spores, endlessly and for free throughout the entire 2016 election. The reactionary right responded immediately to Trump’s signifying. Their undying support in such a turbulent primary proved more than enough to see Trump to the nomination.

More importantly, however, Trump injected the Traditionalist apocalyptia directly into the mainline of American culture. It was no longer the stuff of fringe-websites and insurgent candidates in deeply gerrymandered districts, it was on national television most days of the week. Trump, like Reagan, insisted that our beleaguered country was facing existential crises. These problems were not endemic, the two men argued, but were the result of a dangerous Deep State-led predominately by the malevolently progressive Democratic Party. (Reagan’s Deep State was the liberal Big Government of LBJ; Trump is less clear on where exactly the 21st-century Deep State resides. Comet Pizza, maybe?) Trump’s narrative, however, had none of Reagan’s optimism. For Trump, Bannon, and the modern reactionary rheto-virus, the end times are here. “The American Dream is dead,” Trump announced at the end of the speech. That day, Bannon and the rest of the reactionary-right knew they had found their man.


Throughout the 2016 campaign, Hillary Clinton was so unpopular that the Trump campaign, generally a volatile mess, rarely had to stand on its own merits. Clinton, for all her tactlessness and elitism, knew that Trump was not just a bad candidate but host to a dangerous infection. When Trump elevated Bannon to the role of Campaign Manager, 88 days before the election, Clinton followed in Jimmy Carter’s footsteps, continuing the time-honored tradition of Democratic sermons which are incredibly wise and politically suicidal. In a speech condemning Bannon’s appointment, she famously warned that “a fringe element has effectively taken over the Republican party.” The prognosis was dead on, of course. Bannon’s formal integration into the Trump political movement heralded the final stages of the reactionary rhetorical revolution on the American Right. But despite Clinton’s prescience, the strength of anti-Clintonism caused the speech to backfire. If Clinton represented everything wrong with politics, as so many believed, then her opposition to Trump and Breitbart was just more proof that those groups were earnestly populist—unconcerned with the desires of the American political-economic elite. Trump lost the popular vote by two points, but won the electoral college.

No one knew what to expect. The Democrats were dismayed and humiliated. The Republican establishment was shellshocked, especially after a tape was released in the October before election which showed Trump bragging about his desire and ability to sexually assault women. Bannon figured he had a good sense of what would come next: He would now become the chief philosopher behind a Donald Trump-led political realignment which would radically restrict immigration, upend trade, dismantle all of the federal government’s regulatory bodies, and completely destroy the establishment GOP. All of this leading, inevitably by Bannon’s logic, to the grassroots restoration of Traditional—mythical 1950s—American prosperity and cultural values. Trump is “an imperfect instrument, but he’s an armor piercing shell,” Bannon would rave.

Bannon misread the situation. Trump is virtually useless politically. Bannon’s populist project would fall flat on its face under Trump, and the GOP establishment Bannon loathed would continue to exert significant legislative influence. Yet for the reactionary virus, Trump was an ideal host.


The emergence of the reactionary kleptocracy (by which the rhetoric of anti-elitism, apocalypse, and pseudo-populism is used to further the GOP’s elitist agenda) was less the product of intelligent design than the natural law of political forces taking the path of least resistance. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and Speaker Paul Ryan snapped out of their stupor and resolved to limit Trump’s effect on legislation. Many took seriously, as Bannon had, Trump’s promise to raze and rebuild the Republican Party, radically altering the way Washington did business and producing some effect on the laws passed by the GOP Senate and House.

But Bannon’s vision always turned on being able to compel the Republican legislature and, if that didn’t work, use primary challenges to replace them with more rabidly pro-populist candidates. This didn’t pan out in 2016, when Trump-style insurgent candidates didn’t do particularly well and Congress looked roughly the same as it had in 2014.

The legislature, though far from centrist, was not interested in endorsing an agenda which made them and their donors politically irrelevant. McConnell whipped out his Obama-era bestseller—Maintaining the Status Quo During a Presidency Meant to Shake-Things-Upand got to work figuring out how traditional kleptocratic legislation could retain its priority during Trump’s unconventional term. The plan? Limit Trump’s influence on policy while capitulating, totally, to his reactionary rhetorical style. They would adopt Trump’s language, words, orientation, while reinforcing their establishment agenda. In a manner typical of the Republican’s rhetorical realignment, South Carolina Senator Lindsay Graham explicitly discussed his desire to use Trumpian rhetoric to advance his own political goals and ambitions. In a year, Graham went from the tepid admonishments in vogue circa 2017 (“President Trump’s tweet today suggesting Attorney General Sessions pursue prosecution of a former political rival is highly inappropriate”) to full-throated culture warmongering (“I know I’m a single white man from South Carolina and… I will not shut up”). “I like being relevant,” Graham remarked.

In a way, this reactionary-kleptocratic crossover worked exactly as McConnell or Graham intended. Trump was a Popularist, concerned with little outside that week’s news cycle. Legislation, sad to say, rarely makes the frontpage of New York Times for more than a day or two. Trump was completely unwilling to do the hard work associated with controlling Congress and pushing through a President’s institutional priorities. An incredibly strong media presence, Trump is a complete incompetent when it comes to governance. Outside of a slew of (no doubt pre-written) executive orders meant to signal the beginning of Bannon’s reactionary-populist project, Trump put little effort into running the government and showed little resistance when the GOP establishment asserted itself as the people who were going to actually run the country. Trump really didn’t see populism as anything more than a good rhetorical style by which to garner praise.

Throughout the first year of his term, Trump would totally abdicate his responsibility to govern and abandon the populist political project, kicking Bannon out of his role as the President’s “Chief Strategist” in August of 2017, only seven months into the administration. Control of the party’s legislative priorities was handed over to the establishment who, in return, totally relinquished control of their own messaging. Bannon, after his ousting, remarked resentfully that “no administration in history has been so divided among itself about the direction about where it should go.”

But this, again, shows Bannon’s misunderstandings. Trump was never concerned with, or capable of inducing a political realignment. The failure of Trump’s populism is obvious. The Republican-dominated Congress of 2016-2018 only really accomplished two major things with their federal trifecta. They appointed a throng of conservative (as opposed to reactionary) judges. And they passed a massive kleptocratic tax “reform” bill so blatantly friendly to the top 1% and the donor class that Steve Bannon later tried to distance himself from it in a desperate attempt to salvage his populist street-cred. That’s it—that’s the Trump presidency’s legislative legacy. The much-touted tax cuts for those in lower income brackets, the everyman, weren’t even permanent. They were set to phase out in 2021.  The Wall was not built, no immigration reform bill passed, healthcare reform failed (badly).  No drain-the-swamp populist in their right mind would consider these wins. Sam Nunberg, a Bannon ally, lamented in 2017 that the “Trump administration is on the precipice of turning into an establishment presidency.”

Thus, while they adopted his rhetoric, the GOP establishment routinely humiliated Trump by preventing him from making good on even a single campaign promise. Institutionally, they held almost all the cards. To the Republican establishment, who believe only in political expediency, this was a success story. The rich-friendly agenda of the GOP remained essentially the same as it had under Bush Jr. or would have under Jeb. The only cost was that the Republicans had to change their rhetoric, which seemed a small price to pay. A Republican taking a public position which was insufficiently conciliatory, even encouraging, towards the reactionary right would earn you the scorn of Trump’s base and a lambasting on Twitter, but the base didn’t demand specific legislative redress. As long as you wore the mere aesthetic of a reactionary, repeated reactionary buzzwords, justified one’s actions through the reactionary narrative, you could stay in power and continue opposing wealth redistribution or economic regulations. McConnell stood up against Trump’s desire to shut down the government to win a deal on “the wall” but refused to rebuke Trump’s rhetoric, offering little more than limp murmurs of discontent.

But where Trump and Bannon overestimated their political efficacy, the Republican establishment badly misjudged the efficacy of rhetoric. It is clear, in retrospect, that powerful conservatives had no idea that rhetoric is a virulent strain of self-replicating ideological code. By allowing Trump to dominate right-wing messaging, and ultimately coming to repeat it themselves, the GOP was fundamentally altering the national psyche and summoning the Kali Yuga.

Even in 2017, it was clear the effect that the repetition and popularization of Trump’s rhetoric was having on the country. On the 11th and 12th of August 2017, mere days before Bannon would be fired—an event that marked the end of Trump’s chance at serious legislative political change—a moment of massive cultural-ideological transformation occurred. Disparate members of the reactionary alt-right came together in Charlottesville, Virginia for a rally dubbed Unite the Right. Attendees adorned themselves in fascist symbolism, chanted racist rhetoric, and brawled with counter-protestors. A young neo-Nazi, seething in his conviction that the Left was attempting to steal the country from him and bring a dark age upon the Western world, drove his car into a crowd of people and killed a woman. This event led to a disastrous news cycle for Trump but yielded no serious reconsideration or reorientation from the GOP establishment. They could not exit the reactionary-kleptocratic pact. Dropping the rhetoric would mean losing their institutional power. Even as the Kali Yuga wafted out from the imaginations of the reactionaries and into our own reality, the Republicans demurred.

This was, and still is, the state of the Republican Party. Its leaders tenuously chain the old-guard protect-the-rich Republican governing to reactionary rhetoric. Each requires the other for its survival. So why does Trump’s base, who ostensibly wanted a champion of the people, still support him?

“Fascism,” Walter Benjamin wrote, “attempts to organize the newly proletarianized masses without affecting the property structure which the masses strive to eliminate. Fascism sees its salvation in giving these masses not their right, but instead a chance to express themselves.” The reactionary-rhetorical revolution may not have changed the position of Republican politicians, a cynical cohort who never took their words very seriously to begin with. But it has thrust huge segments of the American population into the reactionary orientation. For many of Trump’s supporters—especially those in Q-Anon, the new de-facto religion of American reactionaries—the verbal reinforcement of their narrative is sufficient validation. And, particularly in the age of the internet, it may be increasingly irrelevant what the GOP thinks of the words they use. For words have intentions all their own.


Hyperstitions

Last year in Manatee County, Florida, two Republicans, establishment men if there ever were any, competed for a County Commissioner’s seat. Despite the fact that, according to the New York Times, the county has voted for every Republican presidential nominee since 1948, one of the candidates began his campaign by making his slogan “Make Manatee Red Again.” His opponent shot back by listing his top policy as “Support[ing] President Trump.”

The district has been solidly Republican for a decade, yet the prevailing rhetoric reproduced the ideology of left-wing invasion and the desperate need to defend a besieged land. The former candidate won, but it really doesn’t make a difference. Both were financial professionals supporting the same fiscal policy any Florida Republican would have in 2008 or even 2001. All over the nation, Republicans of all ideological bends are appropriating the reactionary narrative for their own political careers. Increasingly theatrical politicking, mixed with a touch of real-fear-of-the-left—basically, the elevation of rhetoric—is the real effect of Trump’s presidency.

This legacy is not merely aesthetic. The spread of such an irrational, apocalyptic, paranoid ideology hystericizes society. As the reactionaries grow more frantic, so does everyone else. And the source of the infection is here to stay. Some might argue that the Republican Party will necessarily soon fracture into discrete parties—one for zealous reactionaries and the other for sane Conservatives. If this is your belief, your optimism is commendable. But the GOP has, over these past four years, spread the rheto-virus far too wide and deep within the minds of their voters to ever turn back. And why bother turning back? The reactionary narrative comes with a built-in justification for kleptocratic policy. America’s ills derive not from faulty legislation or wealth inequality, but from the radical-leftist-pedophile-Satanists, who are always obscured and unaccountably absent from public view, gumming up the works.

But the reactionary elements on the American right won’t for long be beholden to the establishment’s pleas to allow elected legislators to handle the situation. A central tenet of the ideology is that failure can never be explained by faults in the ideology itself but only by the right’s failure to deal harshly enough with the left. Republicans will either have to keep rhetorical pace with their increasingly rabid base or else be eaten alive by it, replaced by some new face who may not vote much differently, but would be a more willing host to the Word.

Novel rhetorical viruses spread most effectively among the disaffected, disempowered, and desperate. When our old stories lose their credibility, we search for new stories. When our old communities break-down or disappear, we seek new communities (often, these days, online). This can be a good thing. Sometimes a new story about how the world works really does help us navigate existence and live better lives. Our old stories and vocabularies really weren’t working. Reaganomics led to millions of jobs being shipped overseas and the beginning of corporate stock buybacks, the age of the shareholder’s precedence above the worker. Bill Clinton’s acceleration of Free Trade only worsened these trends and his cutting of social services meant a large number of people during times of financial crisis fell through the cracks into poverty. Bush Jr.’s conservatism flunked. Shopping didn’t help us overcome the national Trauma of 9/11, and there is good reason to believe that the conservative assumption that banks would “self-regulate” had a lot to do with the ’08 financial crisis. Likewise, Obama’s economic recovery “made at best a modest dent” in income inequality. Is Biden really going to provide the decisive break with these past failures which the nation so severely requires?

A decidedly new narrative about our national past, present, and future is the only path forward. We are at the terminus of decades-long failure in federal policy. The particular type of hopelessness in this country—fueled by decaying institutions, out-of-touch major parties, Congressional gridlock, political volatility, a mental health crisis, mass incarceration, technological overload, drug epidemics, social dysfunction, unending hollow consumerism, incredible wealth inequality, sexual anxiety, broad (sometimes subconscious) racial hostility and/or paranoia—threatens to produce increasingly delusional political narratives on both the left and right. But a politics of apophenia, while out of touch with reality, at least doesn’t blindly insist that everything is going great.  

As it stands, the GOP’s preferred mode of governing, elitist kleptocracy, has a built-in opposition to systematic change. Republican leaders refuse to let government act effectively. They promise mythical “private” solutions to the truly gargantuan problems which plague their base. The GOP is a deeply ill patient who refuses to step out of the cold, all the while complaining about their pneumonia. The party’s obstinacy will continue to make much of their base’s lives worse, triggering the reactionary virus’ evolution into increasingly destructive, anti-democratic, hysterical ideology. Just like Reaganism’s built-in accelerationism which caused his strain of the virus to mutate into the Tea Party, modern Republicans are stuck in a recursion loop in which the American right will grow more restless, more pessimistic, and more aggressive.

There is a wrinkle in the idea that our narratives of the world are the light by which we make sense of our past, present, and future: Our expectations of what could be often determine what will be. Philosopher-turned-shut-in Nick Land wrote of the “hyperstition,” an “element of effective culture that makes itself real.” A hyperstition is a society-level self-fulfilling prophecy. The word comes out of a fringe-political theory called “accelerationism”—an incongruous, though increasingly reactionary-dominated, group of extremely-online people who believe, for one reason or another, that societal trends should be accelerated (possibly to the point of social collapse). Whereas a superstition is a fictional story that remains fictional no matter how many people believe in it, a hyperstition is a fictional story, a narrative, which is capable of making itself real. Stories and vocabularies spread infectiously, popularizing certain expectations. It is always the case that our pre-figuring of what is in store considerably determines what is in store. Our picture of the future conjure the political, cultural, and economic forces which direct us, often, towards that future (especially in the case of economics, where speculation plays a great role and where the market is especially susceptible to expectations). Our early science fiction about space travel oriented the United States towards their interest in space exploration. How many NASA workers took the job due to their childhood love of Star Trek?

Less hopefully, a psychotic picture of the future will produce psychotic results. The Kali Yuga rages against its imprisonment in the mind and the unconscious, occasionally bursting tentacles out, like an Old God, to wreak havoc as it did in the Capitol on January 6th. Ted Cruz and his ilk, who used the power of the reactionary rheto-virus for their own ends, will not be able to turn back the Kali Yuga by speaking sternly to it. The mystical words Cruz employed to summon the beast cannot be dissuaded by the common pleas of a warlock horrified at the demon he has brought into this world. (“Stop…NOW”). This demon resides in more minds than ever. The Kali Yuga is the evangelical’s end of times, it is Q-Anon’s “storm,” it is the Boogaloo Boys’, uhm, “Boogaloo.”

And if enough people think society’s collapse is imminent, then society will, in fact, collapse. Like a stock market crash, free government cannot survive an exceptionally broad crisis of confidence, no matter how unreasonable the cause of people’s skepticism. Even among the left, how many did not feel the chill of a new Civil Conflict brewing in their imagination when they saw the riots in the halls of Congress. Egged on by the delusions of the right, the American left may ramp up their own politics of phantasms, declaring war on increasingly obscure, maybe even nonexistent, entities. All the while, the Kali Yuga lies in wait. Today’s delusion, tomorrow’s reality. Now you know the true name of that dark future residing in the back of your mind, or in the forefront of the reactionary’s. But be warned: if you believe in the Kali Yuga, it will come. ▩


Towards an Ultimate Display

Ingenic media could reveal and redefine what it means to be human. Can we control it?

by

Tywen Kelly

Season Published
MP308

Jan 12, 2021


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In 2019, Jak Wilmot livestreamed himself living a week in virtual reality. He ate with a VR headset on and didn’t take it off to sleep or to go to the restroom. When he showered he kept his eyes closed. He watched old black-and-white movies, played Skyrim, hung out with other people in VR Chat, traversed the savanna, and drove a virtual bus for eight hours from Tucson to Las Vegas. 

Over the course of the week, Wilmot swung between ecstasy and despair. But it was not until he took headset off on day seven that euphoria struck. Slowly creaking his eyes open, and with a wide grin, he muttered, “the graphics are so good.” Later he went outside on his porch, took a long inhale, and said, “I have never appreciated the smell of outside air so much.”

While the average person might understand technology simply as that which is “new,” Wilmot’s experience suggests the need for a more precise definition. As Marshall McLuhan argued in his 1964 classic, Understanding Media, technology must be understood as an “extension” of the body. A car is an extension of the legs. A stove is an extension of the stomach. The internet is an extension of the nervous system.

Virtual reality is a technology not because it is new but because it is an extension of our body. It’s perhaps the most comprehensive technology today because it extends so many parts of our bodies: our eyes, ears, hands, feet, nervous system, and vestibular system. 

In fact the idea of virtual reality is not new at all. And, though manufacturers have struggled to make VR a household commodity,  its comprehensiveness as a technology reveals much about the broader media ecosystem in which we all increasingly dwell. VR reflects the tendency of all media to converge and combine into a larger, more immersive medium. Observing its properties can prepare us to exist in the hyper-unified, comprehensive, and immersive media landscape to come.

VR also presents an opportunity to reinvision how we can exist. Technology tends to change our definitions of things. The locomotive redefined (compressed) geography, the national newspaper redefined community, and computers are redefining intelligence. In particular, VR media and other nascent immersive technology will initiate a redefinition of what it means to “be.” Paradoxically, this technology centers the human while also rendering the human invisible. It concurrently reveals and redefines our environment, and consequently, who we are as a people. Can we control it?


In 1935, Stanley Weinbaum wrote “Pygmalion’s Spectacles,” the earliest known narrative to describe a mechanical face-worn gadget that transports the wearer to another place. In 1962, two decades after Weinbaum’s short story, “The Sensorama” was released to the public. It was an arcade-like box designed so that the viewer could place their head inside of it to watch a stereoscopic film and have wind blown on their face and smells delivered to their nose. At the time it was called “Experience Theater.”

1968 was a pivotal year for VR. Ivan Sutherland, a professor of computer science at the University of Utah, with a team developed “The Sword of Damocles,” a head-mounted display which hung suspended from the ceiling of the lab’s office. It covered the wearer’s eyes and allowed them to enter a spatial computing reality with interactive graphics. It was what many recognize as the first true demo of VR. It was a technical and artistic breakthrough. 

“The Sword of Damocles” might have made a deeper impression on the public if it were not for Douglas Englebart’s “Mother of all Demos,” presented that very same year. The leader of the highly influential Stanford Research Institute, Engelbart pioneered the field of human-computer interaction. Over the course of 90 minutes on a sunny day in San Francisco, Englebart showed an audience of computer scientists the first ever demo of what would become many of the key elements of personal computing: video conferencing, windowed interfaces, real-time collaborative text editing, and even the mouse. 

Ideas from the landmark demo trickled throughout Silicon Valley. Researchers at Xerox PARC developed a compelling Englebartian computer interface which Apple famously later stole and used to release its first all-in-one personal computer with an integrated flat display. And so the world went the way of the screen.

Since then, VR has sustained a series of commercial failures. VR did, however, find some niche footholds in academia, the arts, and the military. In the ‘80s, the Air Force started using VR to train its pilots in flight simulators. But the technology, which often made people literally nauseous, failed to gain real traction with the public. In 1995 Nintendo released the Virtual Boy, a low-tech VR headset. It flopped, and a year later, the company discontinued the product.

Today, despite some technological advances and minor inroads in the gaming market, we are in the midst of what pundits lament as a “VR Winter.” HTC and Facebook’s Oculus, the big brands behind modern VR software and hardware, have cut R&D spending as their gadgets continue to underperform.

Still, despite VR’s history of market failures, generations of artists and educators have nourished the ideological vision behind the technology. In 1975, Myron Kruguer exhibited his “VIDEOPLACE” work, which demonstrated what a shared virtual reality could feel like. In 1977, Michael Naimark led the “Aspen Moviemap” project, an early precursor to what we can think of now as Google Street View. Contemporarily, Rachel Rossin creates interactive works, like “The Sky is a Gap,” which experiments with mapping time, space, and room-scale tracking together to provide commentary on the changing nature of digital space. 

Like these artists, Ivan Sutherland understood early on—even before inventing the Sword of Damocles—that just being in VR had a profoundly immersive effect on the person wearing the headset. At the end of a 1965 essay, Sutherland wrote, “The ultimate display would, of course, be a room within which the computer can control the existence of matter. Handcuffs displayed in such a room would be confining, and a bullet displayed in such a room would be fatal. With appropriate programming such a display could literally be the Wonderland into which Alice walked.”


In 1987, the psychonaut Terrence McKenna gave a lecture at the Earth Trust Benefit in LA in which he described an embodied mode of communication. Human language for him was a “meta-linguistic system,” abstracted from the genetically based communication system apparent in all life. McKenna also had an interest in VR, which came from his belief that it could bring humans one step closer to the low frequency vibrations of this more foundational communication system. To him, the octopus was the prime example of an un-abstracted communication being. An octopus, he said, communicates with its entire body, through movement, and as it changes shape, color, and texture: “The octopus is its own syntax. It doesn’t generate its own syntax. It becomes syntax. The mind of an octopus is worn on its surface… it operationally is a naked mind.”

In 2018, I joined a VR software company which was developing a peculiar tool. The tool allowed me to upload 360-degree videos into a headset which I could then manipulate with a set of hand controllers. I could rotate the world, drag objects in space, pause time, all by pointing, gesturing, and looking, without taking off the headset. 

Editing this world in VR with my entire body felt like “becoming my own syntax.” There was no translation between thought and effect—just effect. This is a special feeling and I don’t think there’s a good enough word in the Oxford English Dictionary to describe it. I propose the term “ingenic,” a portmanteau of interior genesis, or creation from within, to describe this phenomenon.

  • Content that is ingenic has been generated in the same medium of its consumption.
  • Creating ingenically means generating content in the same medium in which it will be consumed.

If I use a VR app like Gravity Sketch, which allows a designer to “paint” a sculpture in 3D, and I hand off that sculpture for someone else to view in a headset, that’s ingenic. If I film a movie in VR, edit it in VR, and premiere it for my friends in VR, that’s ingenic. If I perform live music for an audience in VR, that’s ingenic. 

Ingenic implies its opposite: exgenic. Exgenic, or exterior genesis, is a type of content created in a different medium than its consumption. Today most of the media we encounter is produced in another medium: iPhone apps coded on desktop computers, digital movies scanned from celluloid film, and analog music compressed and streamed over Spotify servers. 

In the age of the internet, the nomadic and remixable quality of exgenic content is what makes it valuable. To illustrate this, media theorist Lev Manovich chronicled how visual media gains value as it is imported and exported across software in his 2006 essay, aptly titled “Import/Export.” “[The] ‘import’ and ‘export’ commands of graphics, animation, video editing, compositing and modeling software are historically more important than the individual operations these programs offer,” Manovich writes. Imagine how much less useful Photoshop would be if you could only draw images within the program, and could not import JPEGs, PNGs, GIFs, TIFFs, and dozens of other file formats. Photoshop is useful precisely because it can accommodate a heterogeneous landscape of media.

Exgenic media is important because it enables the invention of entirely new mediums. Indeed, the medium of recent VR itself comes from an import/export remix of a diversity of hardware and software. Mass-produced and cheap smartphone components (gyroscopes, accelerometers, high-resolution and high-framerate LCDs), combined with spatial tracking software and 3D game engines, have enabled the recent delivery of consumer VR headsets.

Manovich’s import/export model describes the mode of exgenic media: exgenic media is media in motion. It is “transmedia,” as theorist Henry Jenkin calls it. It is media perpendicular, inverted, and parallel to its varied neighbors. Exgenic media is a messy desktop, files strewn up, down, left, and right.


The personal computer with a flat monitor is an optimal exgenic machine. A screen is a map and provides a distanced as-a-God perspective that allows for easier comingling of disparate elements. “What if I combined this PNG on the left with that JPEG on the right?” The mode of being in an exgenic media landscape is that of remix.

The central metaphor of the 21st century is the internet, the network. The internet metaphor has propagated through our language like a virus. Spam, branch, stream, are all real-world nouns transformed into internet-speak verbs. Cloud, mining, crash, leak, bit, freeze, web—all mechanomorphisms. Vice versa, language from internet-speak has made its way into everyday language: algorithm, bandwidth, and data.

As we spend more time in VR and other comprehensive media, our vocabulary and metaphors may be altered. Some common terms used in the VR industry today are degrees of freedom, parallax, field of view, haptics, co-location, immersion, embodiment. These terms all are sensory.

The VR headset is the optimal ingenic machine. VR is spatial, rather than screen-based. There is a general shape to a screen—rectangular—which allows us to pinpoint areas via a coordinate grid—up, down, left, right. But as the architect Buckminster Fuller noted in his 1969 book Utopia or Oblivion, in a spatial reality, “there is no shape.” He scolded MIT scientists for using such delusional, conditioned, and anti-scientific terminology as “up” or “down” when, he claimed, there is neither direction nor shape to space. Space, Fuller insisted, required a base observation that there is only an “omnidirectional conceptual ‘out’ and the specifically ‘directioned conceptual in.’”

Perhaps the central metaphor of the next century is the body. VR, and other ingenic media, recenters the body to replace the network as the central metaphor.  Import/export is an extension of self into the relation between multiple tools. Ingenic is a willing extension of the self into the direct experience of one tool—it allows the self to become its own syntax. Ingenic media rids itself of a coordinate grid of ups and downs, and cultivates a bodily experience instead. Ingenic creation brings the computer inside our bubble of consciousness; an extension of ourselves, rather than us an extension of it.


Ingenic media has three phenomenological properties. The first is flow. In the ‘70s, the psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi described flow as “a state in which people are so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter.”

In The Digital Plenitude, Jay David Bolter applies Csikszentmihalyi’s theory of flow to new digital media. For Bolter, flow can be induced in what he calls “passive media.” Going down a YouTube rabbit hole and watching videos back-to-back until 3 AM is a passive form of flow. However, he observes that the greater flow experience comes from within “active media” or high-engagement activities, like playing video games. Csikszentmihalyi himself cites very active media like rock climbing, playing tennis, or playing piano as allowing the participant to achieve a deep and near spiritual level of flow.

Seen through Bolter’s lens, ingenic media is a highly active media. VR literally brackets your senses and defocuses distractions. When you are deep into the flow of VR, “nothing else seems to matter.” Have you seen those videos of people in headsets ducking to avoid a projectile in their VR video game but slamming into their dresser in real life? That reaction happens because of flow.


Flow produces the second property of ingenic media: self-elimination. While flowing, you enter the reality distortion field of the activity. Distanced objectivity is lost when you are in the thick of things.

The artist Hito Steyerl observes a similar effect in a lecture titled “Bubble Vision.” Her thesis is that the emblem of the bubble represents a new paradigm of technology which is eliminating the human subject. One of the bubbles is 360-degree VR video. In the VR bubble, “the viewer is absolutely central, but at the same time, he or she is missing from the scene.” This is true. In nearly all VR apps today, if I were to look straight down at my body, it would be gone—eliminated! For Steyerl, the body-less state of VR indicates a loss of the human subject. 

This is where Steyerl and I part ways. If flow is a way to find yourself, and flow makes one feel that “nothing else matters,” then “elimination” is also the act of finding oneself. When you are in flow you lose a sense of your body. You don’t catch the football, your body does. You don’t play the piano, your body does. You don’t sculpt in VR, your body does. 

When you are in flow, playing your sport, instrument, video game, or reading, watching, or listening, then you are unaware of yourself. You have eliminated yourself. But are you not your zenith self when you were doing these activities? 

Flow is thus an oscillation between destruction of the sense of self and a heightened sense of self. It’s an oscillation which breaks down the dichotomy between you and the object of the activity. What’s left is only an awareness of experience as such.


Wilmot, the man who existed over a week in VR, lived ingenically, to say the least. When he took off his headset he experienced the diametric opposite of flow and the third (and final) phenomenological property of ingenic meida: re-alienation.

In theater this is called the V-effect, or distancing effect. This moment of rupture makes the audience critically aware of the reality they inhabit day-to-day. One thing that ingenic media is particularly effective at is establishing the conditions for this V-effect—or alienation. Any medium which induces higher flow also introduces the higher potential to fall back to reality. The return to reality is a re-alienation because it refreshes what was once familiar. 

For Jaron Lanier re-alienation is what makes VR special. Lanier is a scientist and artist essential to the field of VR. It was he who actually coined the term “virtual reality” back in 1987, and he has since arrived at a lot of outwardly counterintuitive opinions about the technology. One of these counterintuitive opinions is that VR headsets should remain ugly. By ugly, he means he wants to keep the headsets looking like a gadget that sticks madly out from your face. 

A dangerous VR headset for Lanier would be invisible. Without a clear distinction between VR and reality, then the whole point of VR is lost. If it were invisible, it would be impossible to achieve the beautiful breakage from virtual reality back into reality. For Lanier the breakage back is what makes the technology of VR so magical.

Lanier is hardly the first to play with this concept. In Being and Time, Martin Heidegger developed the concept “readiness-to-hand,” which describes a basic way that humans exist in the world through, for example, the use of tools. Heidegger describes a person who uses a hammer. As they hammer away at a task, the hammer integrates with their flow of the task and the dichotomy between the person and hammer dissipates.

Like Lanier, Heidegger highlights an inflection point, which he calls un-readiness-to-hand. This occurs when flow is broken. A flow might break because the hammer itself malfunctions and physically breaks. In these moments when the hammer breaks, it reveals something new and re-alien about the hammer, and also reveals something re-alien about our “average everydayness,” the part of existence that is normally invisible to us.


Given present currents in politics and technology, it seems likely that eventually, one medium will subsume all others, and all media will be under one roof, in what one could call a “media singularity.” 

We can see this trend today. Private corporations are building larger and larger proprietary media ecosystems. For instance, Apple hardware that requires Apple software to run. Apple continues to buy other companies, configuring the new tech to only work in their walled garden. Media streaming sites like Netflix, HBO, and Hulu are increasingly verticalizing and producing exclusive content which requires a user subscribe to an entire ecosystem of video just to watch one movie. Within software the advent of  “superapps”—apps with countless features—means we never have to switch apps. WeChat in China is used as the primary platform for social media, payments, news, transportation, and other daily activity. It effectively is the operating system of everyday life for a billion people. 

VR is the prime example of a technology that reflects an enlarging (and consolidating) media ecosystem. VR itself is an aggregate of many other technologies: cinema, video game engines, digital photography, surround sound, smartphones, social media. Those technologies themselves are aggregates of older technologies. For instance, cinema aggregates photography, animation, collage, chemistry, and painting. 

Each new technology that appears in the media ecosystem is an exgenic remix of multiple mediums. Each new technology is more comprehensive than the previous, as it carves out a greater volume of “inside” space in the medium to accommodate more ingenic activity. Over time, as the prevailing media theories go, one technology remains. Marshall McLuhan describes this final technology as the “final phase of the extension of man [sic]—the technological simulation of consciousness.” 

In 1922, the philosopher Pierre Teilhard de Chardin visualized a kind of “final phase of the extension of man” and called it the Noosphere, which translates literally to“mind sphere.” He described it as a sort of consciousness-sheath for the planet. It hovers above the atmosphere of the Earth in the form of a life-advanced mesh of pure thinking, communication, and ideas. It is media incarnate, materialized as a bubble, a sort of virtual twin of the Earth overlaid upon it. For Teilhard, the Noosphere was an evolved form of the Earth as a superorganism; it is part of a natural progression of a biosphere into a technosphere, and finally a “mind sphere.”

We already have hints at what this Noosphere could look like. Companies and governments alike are transforming the physical Earth into a unified operating system. For instance, PokemonGo parent company Niantic is generating an exact 3D map of the world from player-generated scans. The GIS continues to scan cities and landscapes at centimeter accuracy to simulate natural disasters, like flooding. Wearables like the FitBit track personal biometrics throughout the day. Machine-learned object detection is just beginning to taxonomize and label our system of things.

While still fractured and fragmented today the data across these platforms is beginning a long tedious journey of import/export into one another. Application Program Interfaces (APIs), Software Development Kits (SDKs), and open source licensing accelerate this import/export process, transfiguring the heaps of data into a gigamesh mirrorworld and into a media singularity.

In a media singularity we will flow. We will most certainly destroy ourselves, but we will also find ourselves. However, we can not assume this media singularity will re-alienate us. The uncontrollable scale of such a thing is daunting, terrifying, and raises questions. Who will benefit? Who will it hurt more? But if it is used as a tool and understood as an extension of ourselves, I believe we can actually guide it. This will require a conscious, collective effort to make VR headsets visible and ugly—and to equalize power within such an omnipresent media ecosystem. And, as with any extension of ourselves, we should always have the choice to amputate it. A media singularity could attune us to unmediated reality. It could act as our literary foil to reveal to us who we are. We just have to know how to take the headset off. ▩


Bandcamp: Mangoprism 2020 Person Of The Year

The music streaming model is broken. Bandcamp offers a better way to consume music and support artists

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP307 Person of the Year

Dec 29, 2020


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When I accidentally deleted my 15,000-song MP3 library six years ago, there was only one logical rebound: Spotify, the music streaming platform that offered instant access to millions of songs and the promise that such a tragedy would never again befall me. 

Since then, Spotify has become a Death Star, a streaming titan with 320 million global subscribers, a 36% market share (double any of its competitors), and an obscenely low payout rate that hovers around four tenths of one cent per stream—among the industry’s worst. The Swedish company is not yet profitable, but it is powering the music industry’s recent resurgence. According to the RIAA, revenue from recorded music in the United States increased by double digits every year between 2015 and 2019; in that span, the proportion of streaming revenue ballooned from 34% to 80%.

Still, it has become increasingly apparent that the streaming model is fundamentally broken as a way to fairly compensate artists for their work. By restricting artist revenue streams, most notably touring, the COVID-19 pandemic has cast a light on how little working musicians actually receive from streaming royalties. In May, the popular British classical violinist Tasmin Little (monthly listeners: 848K) tweeted that she had received £12.34 for half a year’s worth of Spotify streams. Earlier this month, the moderately successful rap trio clipping. (monthly listeners: 341K) tweeted, “this was the first quarter as a band where our Spotify royalty payments totaled about as much as our three personal Spotify subscriptions.” Last month, Spotify announced yet another mechanism for fleecing musicians: “Discovery Mode,” which offers lower royalties in exchange for an algorithmic boost.

By contrast, Bandcamp, the music marketplace geared towards indie acts, has gone out of its way to support artists in 2020. Beginning in late March, the company waived its revenue share on one day each month; these “Bandcamp Fridays” considerably raised Bandcamp’s profile and generated $40 million in sales that went directly to artists and labels. Bandcamp recently announced that it will continue the program through at least May 2021.

Even before this year, Bandcamp had earned a reputation for being artist friendly. Organized around MP3, physical media, and merch sales, the company takes a 10-15% revenue share and pays out within 24 to 48 hours. (For some perspective, iTunes took 30-35% and licensed music rather than sold it.) Its editorial site, Bandcamp Daily, is the internet’s best discovery-minded music publication; I can attest that they pay writers well (40-45 cents per word.)

Bandcamp’s actions this year to assist musicians weren’t extraordinary, but they were significant because they helped to put the abject failures of the streaming model in sharp relief. Part of the reason per-stream royalties are so hard to pin down is that artists aren’t actually paid per stream on Spotify and other streaming platforms, but rather receive a minuscule, proportional slice of a predetermined royalty pie. This is tyranny. Bandcamp is proof that there is a better way to pay artists for their labor.

The truth is that the Bandcamp model can benefit consumers as well as artists. There is a difference between streaming a song and listening to that same song in the form of an MP3, FLAC, vinyl, or CD that you bought. I believe that rebuilding my digital and physical music library over the course of the coming years and decades will give me a more meaningful relationship with both the music and the artists that made it. Last week, I pulled the plug on my Spotify premium subscription. For now, I’m a free agent.

Streaming is broken, but it can theoretically be fixed in a way that works for artists. TIDAL and Napster respectively pay about three and five times more per stream than Spotify. Resonate, a musician-owned co-op that cuts out the middleman and employs a pay-to-play concept, shells out 50% more per stream than Spotify. Entertainment lawyer Henderson Cole conceived the idea for a socialized streaming platform called the American Music Library, “a government-controlled music streaming service that anyone can access for free, similar to the public library system.” These are legitimate, ambitious ideas. For now though, Mangoprism is declaring Bandcamp its 2020 Person of the Year: for doing its duty to help musicians get paid during the pandemic; for valuing financial transparency and fairness; for showing that there is a viable alternative to streaming; and for laying the foundation for a significant and necessary cultural shift in the way musicians transact with their fans. ▩

Runners-up: Pop Smoke; BFB Da Packman; Ted Allen; Michaela Coel; the All Gas No Brakes guy.


What Happened at the Reunion

A piece of flash fiction

by

Jillian B. Briglia

Season Published
MP306

Dec 15, 2020


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It was the hottest day of the year. August air shimmered above the dirt like hot oil. A line of cars crawled up the road towards the house. The cats lounged in trees, tails wilting and curling like fern fronds. Silos in the distance stood silently, reflecting sun like upturned mirrors. No one noticed the grandmothers, sent to the backyard to shuck corn in a circle of thirteen chairs.

There were more of us than wheat stalks in the surrounding fields. We went on like multiplication tables, a self-generating hive of great-aunts and grandfathers and nieces swarming all the way to the shores of Lake Erie. Names buckled and disappeared under the weight of tradition for decades at a time, only to resurface with distant cousins struck by the thought they’d invented something impossibly classic and novel. Our mailboxes grew swollen with handwritten notes for baby showers, school plays, anniversaries, an endless parade of greeting card milestones until they became our currency and in person gatherings became less frequent. We could never attend all the funerals. Only the reunions remained.

The mothers wanted gin. The fathers retreated to the cool darkness of the wood-paneled basement. The babies slept on the mustard shag carpet under the clinking fan. We danced around aunt Ruth and her flat gaze, snapped the screen door shut on the back porch. We avoided cousin Peter. His laugh, loud and desperate; his shoulders, eagerly curved towards ears; the way he trailed underfoot, sticking onto our trouser legs like burdock. Our dislike percolated through the younger cousins like bags of tea in the sun, darkening the pitcher until it clouded black. The adults fanned out under the dogwood trees, eating butter corn and grilled snapper. Fat white kernels like milk teeth littered the tablecloth, drying into husks under the sun. 

Dark sky steeped down the horizon while the adults spoke of the harvest, the wolves, Beau—the boy with blue eyes in all of the photographs. The cousins from the West watched fireflies spark over the lawn with O mouths. Our mothers ignored the dishes, dipped their brown feet in the creek. They snuck back into the kitchen, raided the ice box, melted salty cubes between their breasts. In the late orange sun, the windows of the house looked like they were on fire. We stole the whiskey from behind the colony of rabbit hutches, waited for something to happen. For someone to ride the belt, climb the ladder, kiss. The wheat rustled like a long skirt. We went to the barn where Peter told us he hid the gun. We marched the perimeter between field and forest, falling over with shouts. Bang! went the barn door behind us.

It was late, late in the evening when we realized the grandmothers were missing. The grandfathers napping in recliners dreamed of rabbit screams and paper mills. The adults grabbed flashlights. Roused from the hayloft, we saw beams of light crisscrossing through the pink flesh of our eyelids. Heard the straw crunching under their feet. Tried to remember where they had last been seen. Had we ever really looked them in the eye? Where did they spend the hours of their long, unhurried days? We could remember the texture of their hands like thin-stretched dough smuggling cellophane candies into our pockets, gripping the backs of chairs they passed, fingers fluttering like moths around their collarbones. The mothers retraced their steps, frantic, searching for different women than the ones we were. While we remembered only hands and fingers, in the mothers’ minds the grandmothers’ skin smoothed, hair darkened growing thick around the crown, spines straightened as if pulled by a string from the top of their head, eyes cleared, minds unforgetting their grandchildren’s birthdays and the streets they grew up on—until the mothers’ gaze was blinded by their memories. 

Now we ran, slower than the children but faster than the adults, through the fields, along the rows, throughout the house, but it was Peter who found the grandmothers. We found him in the backyard, standing in silence, staring at a circle of thirteen birch trees, the pale green underbellies of their leaves winking at us in the cold light of our flashlight beams. ▩


You Are The State

A piece of short fiction

by

Nadir Ovcina

Season Categories Published
MP303 Fiction

Nov 03, 2020


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I received an invitation for a field trip to the village where the Communist Party sent Xi Jinping, at the age of 16, to be re-educated for seven years. The opportunity came free of cost, courtesy of the “Foreign Scholars” department of the university that employed me. But several elements of the invitation stuck out.

First, the e-vite was sent out Tuesday at 11 a.m., and the deadline to accept or decline was 5 p.m. that same day. The itinerary included in the invitation was a digitally scanned PDF in handwritten Chinese. Neither I nor Google Translate could decipher any details about the journey. 

Recently, the party had also been actively targeting universities for “Extreme Displays of Hospitality.” Former teachers in my program promised elaborate buffets and gratis luxury trips, but I arrived at an auspicious time. As Chairman, Xi received acclaim for his early victories against China’s “Tigers and Flies”—tigers being oligarchs and high-level officials profiteering off their party stature, and flies the low-level cadres emulating the higher-ups by allegedly syphoning off taxpayer funds for selfish ends. In years prior, State-sponsored feasts, replete with generous portions of sorghum liquor, were the norm, but now they became synonymous with shady backroom deals. According to the Chairman, any such social situations were a key battleground in the fight for party purity. Now, banquets and the like were strictly forbidden, which made me suspicious. Was this free three day field trip, in the middle of a teaching week, not motivated by a spirit of hospitality?

I signed up for the trip. So did the Mormon couples, another teacher from the same liberal arts exchange program of our alma mater, and a Mexican Spanish-language teacher. 

Yan’an, our destination, was hideously grey and cold, yet retained a mythical aura about it—a reflection of the area’s importance during the Second World War. Mao and his reds, having survived the Long March, in tatters but still unified, settled into Yan’an, transforming the area into the party headquarters and applying Mao’s principles in the context of a micro-state. Division of land was first on the agenda, rectifying people, second. For years, the area was surrounded by the Japanese, and intermittently, by the KMT forces of Chiang Kai-Shek. But Yan’an’s mountainous geography gave the fledgling Chinese Communist Party cover, enabling the comrades to survive several difficult years of encirclement. 

This history made the city a destination for present-day party pilgrims, as immediately became clear upon our arrival. The university hosting us had become a pitstop for members striving for promotion. It provided a two-week seminar that involves logical history and logical lessons on the development of Communism with Chinese characteristics. This seminar conferred party cred. Mostly middle-aged, the ambitious apparatchiks all walked from place to place carrying pastel colored portable chairs. We watched them as they marched to dinner.

Our welcome banquet was hosted by Zach, our tour guide for the weekend. An excellent fellow, Zach was a walking encyclopedia of the area. We ate and drank in excess. Eventually, Zach started to talk about politics, prompting one Mormon gentleman to ask about the recent constitutional changes that effectively granted Xi an indefinite reign. Zach was critical of the move, and even my school representative chimed in with a dark joke.

“There was a shopkeeper who loyally kept a portrait of the chairman perfectly aligned each day in his shop,” she said. “One day, however, there was an earthquake, and the portrait fell upside down. When a soldier came to help assess the damage, he noticed the upside-down portrait, and angrily arrested the shopkeeper.” 

But as Zach ratcheted up his criticisms, the representative grew visibly concerned. For many Chinese, the abolition of term limits, intended to “preserve Xi Jinping Thought,” was the ultimate betrayal of Deng Xiaoping’s reforms after the Cultural Revolution. Whether people said it or not, many Chinese saw the spectre of a Mao-like leader, commanding reverence even as dementia set in. 

I steered the conversation towards more rosy developments. After the banquet, my school’s representative whispered in my ear, “I don’t agree with any of what he said.” 

The first morning, we went to see the caves where the party leaders lived during the siege days. While we only got a cursory tour, we watched the pilgrims pause at most stops (Mao’s first cave dwelling, Mao’s second cave dwelling, etc), chairs in tow. Children from a local school, the Young Pioneers in Yan’an, stood at each “landmark,” delivering memorized lectures to us and the pilgrims. The most awe-inducing structure was a ramshackle hall not unlike a settler’s church, pew included, where the People’s Republic of China was proclaimed into existence. In the evening we went to the hotels and drank BaiJiu, sorghum liquor—a mistake, it would turn out, as Zack woke us at 5 a.m. to begin our journey to the site of Xi’s personal reformation. (During the Cultural Revolution, Red Guards causing havoc in the cities were shipped to the fields for re-education. Xi was one such Red).  Our convoy came to the security checkpoint at the village’s outskirts, where I waited as authorities cross-checked my passport along every imaginable database for subversives. After being cleared, we were escorted to the central square. 

The village museum was populated mostly with a gallery of Xi sightings, with some identical pictures mounted in multiple corners. I wondered why the curators considered empty space more embarrassing than repeat pictures. The museum also displayed a graph showing a steady rise in average income, with a massive spike in 2012, the year Xi became Chairman. 

We and the marchers were taken on a comprehensive tour through this village. Each stop on our tour featured an anecdote involving Xi. I envied the marchers’ chairs, but not their imperative to furiously take notes on how the leader ate apples under this tree in this very spot. I found the tour excruciatingly boring, half-expected the guide to highlight Xi’s preferred outhouse. But a student from my university who had accompanied us was deeply moved by the scenes. She came from a village just like this one, and seeing its development gave her hope in the future of China—and the fortunes of her family. Maybe Xi’s successor would be sent to her village for some class re-education, so that village, too, could prosper.

I was particularly moved by one story. During his re-education, Xi became well respected in the village, and so one day the locals decided to pool in their funds to buy Xi a car, the first in town. Xi, embodying the communist ideal, decided to break the car down and use the engine as the basis for a noodle-making machine, one that everyone in the village could enjoy. 


My own re-education started soon after the field trip, as I left my teaching job and returned home to Oregon. Increasingly, America resembled China. The Coronavirus had catalyzed a burgeoning State’s Rights movement to consolidate State power. Capitalizing on widespread fears of libertarian-minded anti-maskers, the Socialism with Chinese Characteristics Adapted for American Circumstances Party swept the 2024 United States election on the promise of Freedom from Speech. Now, the State had successfully contained the virus in the Western Hemisphere, and with most anti-maskers converted or “isolated,” it was moving on to its next enemy. 

One day I received a text: 

Hello! We are reaching out to you to inform you that we know you were a follower of Trump. While we respect the past views of all humans, since the future demands cooperation unlike any other in our planet’s history, we must unite! If you participate in a re-education course, sponsored by the Confucius Institute, any past mistakes will be forgotten! If you don’t, we will still educate you! But we will remember your hesitation to willingly participate!

Respond: I mean, I followed @TheRealDonaldTrump, not the man himself…

My objections were no use. And I was conscripted into “Socialism with Chinese Characteristics Adapted For American-Capitalist Mindsets Reeducation Class.” I complied, wrote my essays, established my daily rhythms. 

One day after class I returned to an empty house, perfect for some VR lovemaking. Strapping on the visor is a rare lux. The level of immersion means each sense, typically attuned to signs of intrusion, can focus on the sensual. Walk-in terror plagues traditional self-pleasure. Ears need to be perked, eyes ever-so peripherally vigilant for any suspicious door-handle movements. But when the visor’s strap can be whipped out, when you know no one else is gonna be coming, in or out, it’s bliss.

Booted up, I realized I still haven’t updated the software to include the Situation Creation Program. Kinda creepy, the ability to scan a photo and render your fantasy-partner into a sexy 3D puppet, a threshold I’m not willing to cross yet. 

I wonder if I’ve been made a fantasy-victim, that’d be kinda cool. 

The phone beeped.

“Congratulations! You have been noticed! As an acknowledgement of your existence, you are hereby invited to the Pan-National Information Output Bureau’s Provincial Offices. Given the sensitive nature of this announcement, you are expressly forbidden from forwarding this e-vite to any other citizens. Please reply with ‘yes!’” 

I did not generally seek to be “noticed.” Presumably someone had read my latest essay, “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Big Brother,” having intercepted it in transit to the teacher’s inbox. But the text said “you,” not “your work,” as in me, I’m being noticed, brewing worry. 

Under rule of The Socialism with Chinese Characteristics Adapted for American Circumstances Party, the cameras were virtually everywhere, so the only real way to maintain “anonymity” was by offering your body to the State’s gaze, 24/7. Only if you weren’t “seen” by one of the million CCTV’s would the State start looking for you specifically. But being watched is different than being noticed. Soon after the Party took power, someone strolling down a city block could look up to find faces displayed on LED screens mounted on each building’s surface. The State implemented the practice to shame jaywalkers, replaying the security camera footage of the criminal in question on all surrounding screens.

But the State’s new method was more sinister.  Now the screens displayed faces, but with no context, no crime. These faces brought profound pedestrian unease. Was this person a hero or a villain? What were us law-abiders supposed to do if we saw them in real life? 

“I have questions”—send.

“Please reply with: yes!”

“Yes!”—send.

“Congratulations! You have been noticed! As an acknowledgement of your willingness to co-exist with the State, you are hereby entitled to know more details!”

I was summoned to a cubicle on The National Information Output Bureau’s fourth floor. The building was a T, each floor dedicated to its own truth. The fourth was for “Entertaining Truth.”

“So what’s the gig?”

“You’ll be part of the team for The State Is You, our new outreach platform. Our partners in Military Intelligence developed a world-wide override on all satellite feeds, and in effect this means we can interrupt any screen’s display—E-books, phones, laptops, VRs, anything—and broadcast an emergency message, in the case of jihadi nuclear apocalypse. 

“The State wants to test the override, so they’ve decided to make a mandatory program from 5:30-6:00 across all platforms. At half past five, every day, we will show an informational, educational, and entertaining set of clips all in the hopes of inspiring our citizens to continue their cooperation with the State.”

“Propaganda?”

“Exactly!”

“Cool, I’m excited, what’s my role?”

“You’ll be in charge of producing the clips of citizens in your district zone. We want dailies of average citizens, normal people, in a segment that will be titled “Who’s the State?” How are they adapting to de-nationalization? How worried are they about global jihad?”

“Quick Q: normal?”

“We are looking for interesting stories, so don’t rule out any non-conformists. We want their voices heard. And their retina’s scanned. Sound good?”

“Swell.”

I smiled and signed the contract. On my way out I passed by a beggar. He had no sign: appeals to charity could be interpreted as accusing the government of negligence. But his eyes pleaded. His message was clear. 

My first assignment began with an email from Nasty Ice agreeing to meet up. Ricky was a middle-school acquaintance who I liked for his utter ignorance of the fact that he was white, color-blind to the fullest. 

We drifted after 8’th grade, when his father got arrested, double homicide over a sour deal. It was fun to see his burgeoning rap efforts on Facebook through the years though, as he rotated through pen-names like Honky Fire and White Surprise (he woke after Ferguson), before settling on Nasty Ice. The key to objective reporting: let interviewee feel no judgement. Let them be comfortable. Lull them into speaking with no reservations. How to do that? Giggle at everything they say, smile, show you get them. What you giggle at though, whether mocking or in agreement with what’s said, that’s up to you. You could be in on a whole different joke, but who’s to know? 

“So why Nasty Ice?”

“Well, it’s two things. First, it’s like a legacy thing to the OG Vanilla. You know, I gotta pay my respects to the greats, Em, Mac, both Miller and ‘klemore, both of em, all of em! So yeah, I got the reverence shit on lock, but I also just like my Natty Ice. You know, they got their forties, I’m trying to get Natty up as our drink d’jure. I thought, I’m getting big now, pretty big, but White Surprise don’t got no product attached to it. And I’m sitting there, drinking my Natty, and I’m like, damn, Natty got no celeb sponsor. So I make myself Nasty Ice, cause my spit nasty, and I think I can get this sponsorship thing happening, you know, we gonna be on cans, commercials, everything. That’s that, that’s Nasty Ice.”

“Well, you’re already sponsored by the State. Can you explain what it means to be a state-sponsored rapper?”

“Oh yeah man, the State! They been hooking it up, all the drugs I want, everything, alls I gotta do is mention some vocab they got on a list, and bam, I get on USTV 4 every two hours. You see my new song, “Comply or Die?” Nah? They wanted some tune to promote the gun confiscation program, so you got me and all these police shooting up rednecks in the video. You know, it’s not g, but I don’t really care, long as the money there.”

“You also got a song titled ‘Sand-N-word-Killa’, do you have any reservations on that word?”

“Whats wrong with sand-nigga? I’m not using that Voldemort word, this a whole other word. This one dashed. Whole other word. Plus the State told me that these anti-Muslim lyrics help encourage the whites to join the State’s Terror War.”

“War on Terror?”

“Same shit. Look, I’m Muslim too, praise be to Allah, but fuck it, I’ll say what I want if I get money for saying it.”

“You’re cool with me quoting you, yeah?”

“I don’t give a fuck, but what’s this for anyway?” ▩


Fremdschämen No More

My humorous Parisian life

by

Celia Gurney

Season Published
MP302

Oct 20, 2020


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It was 2015. I needed a job and wanted out of Seattle after growing up and going to college in the same six-mile bubble. The solution came via a post on a neighborhood blog: FRENCH FAMILY SEEKS AU PAIR. A woman named Valérie needed someone to watch her seven-year-old twins in Paris. The au pair would take French classes at the Sorbonne and live in a separate dorm-style room in the family’s apartment building in the heart of the city. Food, a cell phone plan, health insurance and a metro card would be provided.

A brand new life without having to do any of the boring parts of setting up a new life?! I was sold! After a couple of Skype calls to be reasonably sure it wasn’t an elaborate human trafficking scheme, I applied for my visa and booked a one-way flight to Charles de Gaulle. For the next 15 months, I forged a new life against the backdrop of my old one, mingling the lessons conferred by each and adjusting their ratios to create a cocktail of my own design. 

This process began in the apartment where I now lived and worked. Valérie and her partner Yann were younger than my parents and in a committed civil union, but unmarried. (Umm, romantic much??) I was mesmerized by Valérie’s collections of work-appropriate jumpsuits, books from a past life in publishing, pastel bottles of creams and lotions jostling for space on the bathroom counter. She thought pansexuality was beautiful and that an apartment without music was “sad.” She gave toasts! On Sundays, Yann closed the kitchen door, turned the radio up and made soups, quiche or crème caramel. He disapproved of the way I said “mmhmm” instead of opening my mouth to say yes. We bonded over Saturday Night Live and at Christmas dinner, he made his teenage nieces and nephew laugh till they cried at the far end of the table.

The twins, Adèle and Héloïse, were climbing all over me within minutes of my arrival. They were identical, with big brown eyes, the kind of full brows Glossier claims it can give you, and wavy, walnut-colored hair that formed rats’ nests if you looked away for too long. Big emotions bubbled out of their compact, wiry bodies: giddiness when we counted cars in a traffic jam, indignance when I confiscated a ball of Silly Putty they’d decorated with shards of broken glass.

Adèle once explained with a world-weary sigh that she had wanted to be a stylist when she grew up—until she realized her sister would be “saving the world” as a veterinarian. Héloïse so ardently believed Peaches the woolly mammoth should have married Ethan instead of Julian in Ice Age 5 that she wrote a letter to Pixar about it. They had already had American au pairs for years and sounded like native English speakers. With each other though, they broke into high-speed French, entering a universe all their own that was impervious to interruption by adults or oncoming traffic. They required hawk-like supervision on sidewalks. 

When I was in elementary school, I achieved autonomy over my homework by proactively doing it before getting back to whichever YA fantasy novel I was sure to finish by bedtime. I was also really unpleasant to anyone who tried to help. Thus, it was generally from a safe distance that my parents encouraged me to do my best.

Adèle and Héloïse were as obsessed with books as I’d been, but firmly eschewed the work-before-play model. They had to be coaxed from the toilet, where they’d linger reading as long as they could, to the coffee table to do their homework. Once they were there, it was an interactive—and even physical!—activity. One time I was reading Adèle vocabulary words to spell while she did a headstand facing the couch. A few words in she lost her balance and fell backwards, screaming as her nose crunched up against the base and started pouring blood. Valérie and Yann reviewed the kids’ homework every night and chided them for misspellings and messy handwriting. Valérie’s mom, a retired lawyer who visited from Normandy every month or so, devised additional exercises for them to do as she whipped up crêpes and financiers for their snack.

Beyond my commitments to the twins, I constructed a social life and strove to improve my deficient French. When I spoke to locals in the beginning, they mostly responded in English. Maybe they were just excited to practice with a native speaker, but they might as well have said, “You sound terrible and I can barely understand you.” At my friend Marion’s game nights, I’d move around a lot so that no single person had to spend their entire evening talking about things I had the vocabulary to discuss: hometowns, food, siblings. There was definitely a time where I didn’t understand we were in the middle of a serious geopolitical discussion and piped up to ask Baptiste what his favorite color was.

It was a hectic time. I thought back on high school and college when I was juggling school, work, extracurriculars, dating and friendship—how my parents often told me I was doing too much and needed to slow down. That’s one of my family’s values: not being too busy. We always relished days with no time constraints, where a garage sale would lure neighbors to our garden for coffee and donuts, which would turn into afternoon drinks, which would turn into dinner. Any obligation that cut the flow short was a nuisance. Yet the further into adolescence I got, the more compartmentalized my days became. I developed a reputation for “always rushing off somewhere.” I felt guilty about it.

But as I got to know Valérie, I noticed she moved at my speed. She’d breeze in from work around seven, pour us each an Apérol spritz and give me her undivided attention while we caught up at the kitchen table. Twenty minutes later she’d unapologetically move on to something else, but the duration of our bonding sessions had no bearing on their value. When I was overwhelmed by how many things the girls and I had to do after school—homework, piano, English, bath, dinner—she offered tips for doing them more efficiently. Wash Adèle and Héloïse’s hair every three days instead of two. Use the steamer baskets to cook fish and broccoli at the same time. One evening I was heading off to an open mic and told her I hadn’t had time to practice. Instead of saying, “Well, you pack your days too full, honey!” she waved her hand as if to say not to worry and assured me I would practice on the way there.


It wasn’t the first time someone taught me how to wrangle a part of my life that had been vexing me. In ninth grade, I met my best friend Greta in sixth period choir. As we caught each other up on our entire lives that year (once, famously, behind a music stand that Ms. Burton furiously slammed down, revealing our chattering faces and firmly shutting us up, before continuing her lecture), I was struck by—and studied—the way Greta told stories. She made fun of herself constantly and cackled right along with me and whoever else was listening.

She also laughed a lot at other people’s stories, asking questions to underscore the funniest details and teasing the storytellers in this benevolent way that made it impossible for them to take themselves too seriously. Once I let it slip that I didn’t like showering and definitely didn’t do it every day. She called me Cavewoman for the rest of high school.

I used to get really embarrassed as a kid. Forgetting my clarinet on orchestra day made me burst into tears, and I wished I could sleep for a week after peeing my pants in front of my friend Tim. (Note: I actually peed next to him, but effectively on him. It happened in my family’s Volvo and the pee rolled right across the pleather backseat, soaking his jeans and probably his socks. Tim, a literal angel, had the good instincts to ignore reality and make pleasant nine-year-old small talk while my mom mopped him up with a sweatshirt.) 

I even felt outsized secondhand embarrassment for others. There’s a German word for that: fremdschämen. One afternoon when I was six, I was playing with a friend on the sidewalk outside my house. Partway through our game, we noticed a girl our age walking across the street with her parents. When the girl saw me, she waved enthusiastically and shouted, “Hi, Rachel!” After a moment she realized her mistake and said, “Oops, you’re not Rachel. Sorry!” then skipped off down the block, probably never to think of it again. I spent the rest of the day sobbing on her behalf. 

But in high school, I discovered that telling Greta about an embarrassing moment transformed it into a funny story. It not only inoculated me against all future embarrassment or fremdschämen associated with that moment, it crystallized a conversational centerpiece I could wield proactively! I controlled the narrative!!

That’s how, as high school went on, I became invincible. Getting pantsed in the hall, sneezing a huge snot bubble onto my arm, walking into a pole while casually chatting with an ex: these were stories for the story bank. I paid a lot of attention to funny women, mainly accessible to me via SNL since I didn’t have a computer. Kristen Wiig was my favorite. To be able to so fully inhabit characters as wide-ranging as the Target lady and an A-Hole buying a Christmas tree is simply unjust. 

I eventually learned that the women of SNL had all done improv. So, though I had never seen an improv show or so much as watched Whose Line Is It Anyway, I joined an improv team in college. In the beginning it was terrifying. I was used to memorizing lines, not making them up on the spot! I hated miming objects! Why couldn’t we have real props?! I felt like I had a finite number of characters: condescending English lady, nasally woman who pushes her glasses up her nose for emphasis, Regan MacNeil from The Exorcist. I burned through all of them in the first few weeks. I didn’t know how to track my own improvement, so instead I shouldered the anxiety that comes with taking perpetual shots in the dark. I had a hard time responding to the last thing said because I was trying to think ahead, or because I was distracted by roommate drama.

When improv is good, it’s magical. At its best, it feels like making eye contact with someone across the room and knowing you’re thinking the same thing, and wanting to laugh but having to hold it in because you’re in church or class, which makes the whole thing ten times funnier. At its worst, it can be excruciating. But regardless of how your scene is going, you have to maintain strict control over your brain. You are allowed to think about 1) what your scene partner just said/did and 2) what you’re going to say/do next. You are NOT allowed to think about how the audience feels about your “zombie crow” character or the way you mime grating cheese. It’s kind of like a chaotic version of meditation.

I’d arrived in Paris wanting to take improv classes, but didn’t like the show I saw at the only school with classes in English. So I found an open mic on Meetup.com and decided to become a stand-up comic. I started spending Thursday evenings in a tiny, cave-like smoking room in the basement of an Irish bar near Les Halles. The audience, mostly comics, sat on stools. There was the requisite creepy guy who joked about cheating on his wife.

On the improv team, I’d learned that “the specific is universal.” You could get a laugh at campus shows just by moisturizing with Jergens Natural Glow instead of lotion, or by setting a scene in Lois McDermott’s Psych 101 class. But in front of a largely French audience, most of my go-to specifics were useless. French people hadn’t gone through stereotypically American rites of passage like prom. “Jello salad” meant nothing to them. They had interacted with both children and Americans, however, so material about the kids I nannied or cultural differences between France and the United States was a safe bet. 

I liked responding to things the kids did as if adults had done them. Adèle used the mixed drink emoji in a text I let her send from my phone, which was clearly “a cry for help.” I compared making dinner for her and her sister to being a chef in a restaurant where you also had to bathe guests and then beg them to put underwear on. 

The formality of the French became a recurring theme in my shows. When you enter a group situation in France, you can’t just wave hello to everyone—that’s considered lazy. You’re supposed to cheek-kiss and say “Hello, [NAME],” to each person, which can really eat up a lot of time and derail whatever conversation was going on before you got there. Initially I found this ridiculous, I’d tell audiences. 

But then I imagined trying to explain the rules for American-style group greetings. “Okay, so you hug the people you know really well, shake hands with the people you’ve never met and wave to everyone else. But if you’re good friends with everyone except one person, just hug that person too so they don’t feel left out. Unless they seem like they’re not a hugger, in which case you can wave to them. Though you could just wave to everyone at once if that seems like that’s more the vibe…” We’re a mess.

The formality of the French language was fertile ground as well. When you translate French directly into English, it sounds pretentious. The way French people say “I’m looking at you” literally means “I regard you.” I gawked when Parisians in their 20s talked about wanting to faire l’amour (translation: make sweet love) without a trace of irony. And it wasn’t just their words that sounded flowery, but their rhetoric. While I’d heard American guys push for unprotected sex based on pure sensation, one French guy took a more philosophical approach: “You know een life, we ‘ave to take reesks…”

Years of bombing onstage with my improv team had beaten most of the embarrassment out of my body, and my days in France took care of the rest. Bombing as a stand-up comic felt more personal because I couldn’t chalk it up to an unlikeable character or something one of my teammates had done. If the audience didn’t laugh, it was because they didn’t think I was funny. Or more accurately, I learned to remind myself, they didn’t think my jokes were funny that night


One afternoon toward the end of the year, I waited for the girls outside their school gates under bright gray skies. The usual crowd of parents and nannies spilled off the sidewalk into the alley, some catching up with each other, some on their phones. I greeted the parents I knew: Inès’s mom, Éva and Chloé’s mom, Noémie’s dad. Then the front doors opened and dozens of laughing, shrieking children came pouring down the stairs. Parents waved and shouted names, trying to catch their kids’ eyes before they descended into the throng. The twins’ cartables—stiff, square-shaped backpacks that were almost like briefcases—got stuck on people and things as they fought their way to me. 

Adèle had forgotten her homework again, so as the crowd dispersed, we walked back up the steps to talk to her teacher. I always spoke English with the kids so they could practice, but I addressed Adèle’s teacher in French. She responded—in French! We chatted for a couple minutes, confirming that I understood everything Adèle was supposed to do that evening. 

But while we were talking, Adèle tugged on my arm, muttering about my accent and how she wanted to go. I put myself in her shoes for a second. She usually repelled embarrassment with this classic French gesture where you shrug, blow a truncated raspberry and raise one eyebrow at the same time as if to say, “So?” I liked the way things bounced off her. But here she was feeling embarrassed about being seen with someone who spoke French with an accent. She was probably also feeling fremdschämen. Her head retreated deeper into her faux fur hood. 

“Just a minute, Adèle,” I said.

I turned back to her teacher and finished the conversation. Then Adèle and I headed home with Héloïse to eat clementines and read The Magic Tree House. A few months later, I relocated to New York, a city with world-class improv where everyone moves at my speed. 

“There is No Concept”

My week at a Silicon Valley startup

by

North Bennett

Season Published
MP301

Oct 06, 2020


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A sunglassed man sings and bobs to Chinese pop music. A breeze ripples through his tie-dyed tiger t-shirt, swaying his grey sweatpants. The leaves behind him shake.

Disembodied hands dice a dill pickle, then dip it in chocolate and apply a light white drizzle. The treat is gifted to a child, who bites enthusiastically before twisting her face up in disgust. 

A golfer dangles a piece of food above an alligator’s snout. Tick Tock, the cartoon crocodile from Peter Pan, flutters up from the water. The alligator snaps and the man pulls his arm back. Text: He still has his hand!


I look up from my phone, and then back again, where another video has already begun: A baby’s sleeping face is pushed into itself (I dizzy) and is revealed to be silicone. I swipe for something else, for something sane, but can only find nonsense, hours and hours of nonsense, and before I can pull my headphones out to think another thought, the room tilts and I heave against my standing desk, my body staggering  among the straight lines of the white office space.

I am at work, I remember. It is my job to keep watching. As of yesterday, I am a member of the content team at the next big thing in short-form video, and I must understand what exactly it is that we do.


Ten of us began working at The Startup on the same day late in May, 2019. A table with name tag supplies greeted us, as did donuts and bagels and blank notebooks ordered in from Amazon Basics. More established employees, identifiable by the temerity with which they reached for the snacks, mingled among themselves as us newbies searched awkwardly for direction.

I chatted with a few interns recruited from the nearby business college, as well as a couple of MBA students who had taken the train in from San Francisco. All of them talked about our upcoming summer with such enthusiasm. They wanted to be here and they wanted to stay, badly. 

The recruiter waved us to our stations, each marked with a single red balloon printed with The Startup’s logo. Mine was upstairs, on the back wall farthest from the ping pong table. As I approached my new team, I received glances but no greetings. Headphones stayed on. My desk—electrically adjustable and tabula-rasa white—welcomed me with a branded Pop-Socket and a wide-angle lens made to enhance my smartphone camera. A sheet of printer paper ordered my specific onboarding tasks—how to login into email, Slack, the back-end of the app.

I had the sense of being expected and then immediately subsumed. Tropical house music thumped forth from the background. Laptop keys clicked. Already, at 10 A.M., everyone’s eyes looked glazed over. I opened my computer and pretended that I already knew what I was doing, that I had important work to do. 


When I interviewed for this job, I was balancing two service gigs in my hometown, living with my parents one year into post-college life. My cousin, who does marketing for The Startup, recommended me to her recruiter as someone who was interested in online video.

I sent out my resume and we organized a call on Zoom, which the recruiter missed on account being busy with more important matters. We rescheduled twice before finally connecting. As we talked, I scribbled notes in my sketchbook, tallying the number of times she mentioned the words “creative” and “content.” She stated, earnestly, that our aim was to addict users to our app. 

“Our goal is to be the next $10 billion Snapchat,” the recruiter said, “and if you like social, and you love short video, then you’ll love working here.” My actual job duties remained ambiguous throughout the call. It seemed that my tasks would include working fast and being creative, tracking trends, coming up with ideas for videos, and then sending those ideas out (To whom? To where? What sort of ideas? It was never clear.)

As we said goodbye, the recruiter told me that she’d soon put me in touch with the head of the content team for a second interview. The call ended before I could decide whether or not that was something that I actually wanted. 


My second interview was with a woman named Qingling. I Googled her before the call, and discovered that she had previously worked for a media company in China. Now, she headed the content team at The Startup. For our chat, she wore a black hat that read #CreativeAF and thick-rimmed glasses.

We talked about my video experience and I tried my best to sound interested and knowledgeable about The Startup’s work. I observed the deficiencies of TikTok and how The Startup’s app would redress them. I offered ideas for short-video series, talked about how they could make use of some of The Startup’s proprietary technologies, and cited some videos that I had already enjoyed.

In truth, using the app felt akin to riding the bow of a ship through a media storm. Most of the native content felt slipshod, and most of what was good was stolen from other platforms, where it looked better anyway. In preparation for the interview, I was never able to endure more than five minutes of The Startup’s endless video feed, which offered few navigational queues and even fewer points of audiovisual reprieve.

These opinions made me feel at once aged-out and superior, cynical in my conversation. Still, as we talked, I enjoyed a certain sort of insurgent power. Will they really bring me on? I wondered. Do they suspect that I might share affinities with the socialists and the Luddites? When we were done talking, I told Qingling that I hoped to hear from her again soon. I shut my laptop and gazed at the tight borders of my childhood bedroom window.  


A day after talking to Qingling, I received a phone call from the recruiter. I had just finished work at the café, so I untied my apron and sat outside on the patio. She told me that The Startup would like to offer me a 60-day contract-for-hire position as a Content Operations Analyst. Work would be full time and paid hourly, and they’d like me to start as soon as possible.

“We believe in extreme speed,” she told me. I said that I would need a little time to think about it. She gave me four days and asked what date I could start working. She looked forward to reconnecting shortly.


I can’t pinpoint when exactly working for The Startup became something that I began to consider, but it did, eventually. I’d been going through the application process mostly to appease my curiosity, and had never thought that I’d actually follow through with any of it. In fact, I’d looked on all of my peers who’d joined the tech industry with contempt. What sellouts, I thought, of course an Econ major would take a job at Intuit. I thought it vain to seek this type of success, selfish, greedy, and shortsighted.

More importantly, I believed, and still believe, that much of what goes on in Silicon Valley makes the world worse and less livable. I wrote my senior college thesis on the idea, exploring the nexus of technology, capital, body, and environment as it tangles wirelessly—and perilously—in the object of the smartphone. If I had allegiance to anyone in the tech world, it was the ethicist Tristan Harris of the Center for Humane Technology, but even his ideas seemed unduly clouded by the Bay’s fog, hemmed in by the valley’s swaddling hills. Only someone so constrained could think it appropriate to call what’s happening in tech, “human downgrading,” as if the only vocabulary we have available to us comes from the bits and bytes of compu-speak. 

Here I was, though, sitting on the sidewalk, my morning shift at the café done, an evening of bartending looming just beyond my afternoon. When I finished working, I would return to my parents’ house, which would be silent and cavernous and dark, and then fall asleep alone, exhausted.

The notion that this particular pattern of life might soon end gave me a jolt of energy. Maybe I could earn enough cash to buy some future wiggle room. Maybe I could learn some filming and editing techniques that would help with my next move. Maybe—and this was the possibility that frightened me most—I’d actually enjoy it. The Startup might offer the intellectual challenge and sense of striving that I’d been missing since college. I might feel energized by the competition, invigorated by the hustle. When my cousin and her family offered me a free room at their house near the office, I called the recruiter and told her I was in.


All the new hands gathered in the conference room for our first meeting. After a brief welcome, the recruiter pulled up a Powerpoint and began defining The Startup for us. 

“We want to be for short video what Vice is for media. What Audi is for the automotive industry. We want to be like Nike in retail, Etsy in e-commerce,” she began. “Do you know what we mean?” Slide. 

“When, early on, we were trying to define ourselves to investors, we came up with this list of descriptors: we are unconventional [slide]; we’re elevated [slide]; we’re entertaining [slide]; we’re useful [slide]; the last word is community.”

The recruiter continued into a brief history of the company, beginning with the founder discovering an undercapitalized short-video marketspace and moving on through the typical startup stages—a business partner, investor cash, a small early team, some more investor cash, proprietary software, bigger investors, and eventually a usable app that had yet to attract very many users. 

“When we began, we thought that our user base was preteens and teenagers, but our data showed that we had better luck with people in their early twenties, so we pivoted. As a company, we are data driven. Data has made us into what we are today. We’re always searching for that 100x idea to bring us to the next level,” the recruiter said.

“Now I’m going to show a couple of our top performing videos,” she continued, “but you should all really spend time watching more yourselves. In fact, it’s one of your onboarding activities.” 

We began with some of the platform’s mobile TV shorts, produced by a satellite crew in Los Angeles. One was about being a broke millennial, while another concerned a struggling movie actor. Both were intended as comic, but I remember them mostly as poorly acted, mildly sexist, and desperately unoriginal. The recruiter seemed proud. 

“That’s all I have for you now,” she told us. “Good luck with your onboarding videos, and remember to take time to learn and enjoy our platform.”

We closed our notebooks and hobbled back to our desks. The electronic music pulsed forward.    


After lunch, we convened in a conference room to listen to my new boss, Qingling, familiarize everyone with the work of the content team. She clicked to the first slide of a very pretty Powerpoint. Seated and fiddling with her laptop, she gave us her name and cut straight to business. 

“The content team deals with videos, not creators. Our goal is here:” Quingling moved her cursor to the top of the slide and began reading. “Help people enjoy the unique quality of videos on and only on [The Startup’s app].

“We do this in three ways: content direction, content management, and content production.”

As Qingling broke down these categories, I first began to understand what my work day might involve. The content team was responsible for learning which videos were performing well, and why. With this knowledge, it was supposed to predict what might be popular in the future, prototype and test videos that might capitalize on these trends, and then send those ideas out to influencers who could execute them for a mass audience. What this amounted to, mostly, was watching a lot of videos on the app and keeping abreast of pop culture. I sunk down in my chair. 

“Our videos should do one of three things,” Quingling read from her computer. 

“1. Fulfill/exploit human nature

“2. Trigger intense viral emotion

“3. Relate strongly to the target segment

“Any questions?” 

Nobody raised their hand, so Qingling shut her laptop and the meeting adjourned. Returning to my desk, I popped open a seltzer from the staff fridge. 


In addition to the orientation meetings, our first few days of onboarding were meant to familiarize us with the world of short video. According to our assigned readings, short video was primed for a global explosion. With heightened streaming speeds, ascendent video quality, intuitive editing software, and ever-shortening attention spans, we were one app away from a global phenomenon.

Arguably, we were already there. Tik Tok, our biggest competitor, had logged over a billion downloads since its launch in 2017. The Startup bargained that this dominance was only temporary, though, a blip buoyed by trendy adolescents and unlikely to expand to older users. Higher powers at our company believed that no app had yet claimed total supremacy. The race was still on, and we needed to understand our competition. 

Hence, an enormous task-load of video watching—something like 500 videos from each of our seven closest rival platforms, including a selection of 50 videos from each app that we personally enjoyed. This was supposed to breed familiarity and industry knowledge, but I thought of it more as something akin to hazing. It was the most grating sort of boring. Video after video, moments shattered into tiny eternities and time compounded on itself.

Any duration felt at once overfilled and completely vacant. When I needed a break, I tried reading one of the 60-odd articles about short video linked in our onboarding packet, many of which were written in Chinese (several of The Startup’s leaders hailed from China). This proved much more entertaining, since I don’t speak the language and had to instead read through Google translate, which spit out gem after gem of intriguing nonsense: 

The three winning methods of vibrating the sea are “protecting the local content ecology,” “lowering the threshold of users to shoot video” and “a large amount of advertising.”

Next, let’s follow the girls to feel the full dry goods!

Especially after becoming a father, because he began to share more aspects of parenting, emotions, etc., he became a ‘friend of women,’ and the fans were very sticky.

And a heading: More than enough content, social hopeless.

We were held accountable to these tasks by a slideshow showcasing our learnings, due the following week. As hours passed and I failed to make progress, I could sense a queue of videos stacking up further and further behind my screen. It seemed endless. By quitting time—7:00 PM—the red balloon attached to my desk had lost its lift and sunk down to the floor.

A WWE wrestler gainers from the ring ropes, landing head-first on his opponent. 

A dog in a shark fin life vest sprints toward the end of a boat dock, where it slips and flies into the water, its legs a’wheeling. 


The next morning, I ran through Atherton, the most expensive zip code in America. With broad streets shaded by giant umbrella oaks, it seemed like an excellent place to jog from my cousins’ house in the adjoining neighborhood. I set out early, crossing a busy arterial before entering the lonely quiet of obscene wealth. I ran by giant walls and sturdy metal gates. I saw few residents and a lot of help—gardeners, landscapers, and contractors, all buzzing like harried worker bees.

Every other street seemed to be a dead end, and I eventually lost myself in the maze. Is this what it meant to run the Valley, to lose yourself and then be consumed by it? I continued to wander, passing a neighborhood library box and discovering a copy of Saul Alinsky’s 1971 handbook, Rules For Radicals. Palming it, I mazed my way home. 

Rule #7: A tactic that drags on too long becomes a drag. 


Later that day, the content team convened for a brainstorming meeting. We were supposed to bring in ideas for different personas, formats, and topics, because, as we learned the day before, Concept = Persona + Format + Topic. If you have all three, then you have a single video. If you have unlimited topics, then you have unlimited videos. It was a formula that pumped out variations on the same thing, again and again—a motor to keep the app rolling. 

“So, what are your ideas?” Qingling asked from the front of the room.

“What if we made videos about everyday annoying occurrences?” somebody ventured. 

“What do you mean?” said Qingling. 

“Like when your Bluetooth won’t connect, or, uh, when somebody’s backpack keeps hitting you in the face on the BART?”

“What is the persona?” asked Qingling. “And what is the format? You need a persona and a format, otherwise there is no concept.”

Qingling moved on. “We have a new BA (Brand Ambassador) from TA (Talent Acquisition),” she said. “We need to decide if any of our preexisting personas will work for them. Any ideas? Oscar?”

“I don’t know anything about her,” said Oscar, a young guy with tired eyes and messy blonde hair. 

“That’s why we need a persona,” said Quingling. “Think about it and Slack me your ideas.”


On Wednesday, the content team gathered for its internal onboarding meeting. Qingling projected a slide that read, “When Research Isn’t Boring.” “Ugh, my mind is super dry,” she began, squinting and adjusting her glasses. “Okay, today we are going to talk about research. Each of you is going to do three types each week: Format, Trend, and Topic Research. I know it sounds boring, but it isn’t, I promise.”

The meeting was long and confusing. Qingling had devised a broad plan for our six person team to cover all of U.S. culture, with each individual in charge of several different beats. From then on, I was to track important events (of what type, I wasn’t sure), and make a video about them daily. On a weekly basis, I was tasked with forecasting potentially viral topics in the art, beauty, and science/technology worlds. Finally, each Tuesday, I was responsible with ideating and prototyping one to three video concepts, complete with personas, formats, pros, and cons. The hope, it seemed, was that this relentless scattershot would eventually land a big hit. 

Snacking on a sleeve of trail mix, I thought of all the videos that I’d have to watch, all of the tweets that I’d have to read, and all of the trends that I’d have to learn and relearn each and every day. And to what end? I saw little time for quality production, and even less for learning new skills. I would become a white collar video grunt. Crumpling the empty plastic wrapper, I returned to my desk and consulted my contractor’s agreement to see how trapped I was.


Later, we convened for a welcome presentation from the CEO himself. Calvin had cut his teeth in finance, made a feast, and then transitioned to tech for some sort of masochistic dessert. He began by relaying to us a familiar myth of success, one in which he began as a coffee retriever at J.P. Morgan and eventually—through long hours and hard work—crawled his way up the twin ladders of wealth and prestige.

“All you have to do is take ownership of your work and deliver,” he said. “That’s the most important thing. That’s what we value. If you show up, if you deliver, there’ll be a place for you here.” 

Calvin carried on into the company’s history (renting an AirBnB and working in a Starbucks), its goals (10 million users by August), and its methods (A/B testing and pirating influencers from other platforms). In his telling, the whole operation sounded like a knock-off of one of the Valley’s much-fabled unicorns.

Calvin didn’t really care about short video. Calvin was a finance guy. He cared about investor capital and massive returns. He cared about growth curves shaped like hockey sticks. What mattered to Calvin was the sort of success that seeded itself in paper coffee cups, sprouted in repurposed garages, and then went rampant, worldwide.  

In truth, we had a derivative product in a crowded market space, and the only thing keeping us rolling forward was a steady flow of investor cash. The question was whether or not that money would last us until we fumbled our way into becoming a product that people actually wanted to use. I was not so hopeful, but I also wasn’t a millionaire. 

A man tries to catapult a basketball off of a skateboard and into another man’s testicles. The ball flies into his face and he collapses onto his back. 

A chimpanzee watches a video of a chimpanzee on Instagram. He swipes to an image of a woman in a bikini. 

A drone glides over the lush farm fields of Indonesia. 


After lunch on Thursday, we met in front of a projector to learn about the work of the product team. The presenter was young and quick, with heaps of energy. He had composed all of his slides in the form of memes. 

“We want our product to be like Cinnamon Toast Crunch,” he told us. “Does anyone know what I mean by that?”

“Sugary and addictive?” someone asked. 

“Not quite,” he said. “But also, yes. Cinnamon Toast Crunch creates a daily habit by tasting so good. Though we maybe don’t want to be quite as exploitative as Cinnamon Toast Crunch—we don’t want to kill our users—but we do want them coming back. We want to create a habit.”

The audience nodded in understanding. The next slide showed Hot Pockets. 

“Hot Pockets are a beloved brand. People love Hot Pockets, especially stoners. If stoners loved our app, that’d be great. Make sense?” Chuckles, slide. 

“We also want our product to be like AirPods. Any guesses as to why?

“Everyone wants them,” somebody asserted. 

“Status symbol?” another guessed. 

“Yes and yes,” said the presenter. “But more, we want to be like AirPods because AirPods present a new form factor that changes how people consume. With AirPods, people are connected all the time, and that changes the use possibilities for a whole suite of apps.”

The presenter continued to talk about all of the features on our app that helped retain users, as well as how they were proven to work (A/B testing). He likened his team to the predator snakes who, through natural selection, teach their victim mice to behave in certain ways. It was a dicey balance: we had to direct the user without wholly consuming them. The person who finds herself bloated from eating too much Cinnamon Toast Crunch will throw the box out. The well-trained user will eat it regularly without ever recognizing excess. 

When I returned to my desk, I thought about how addiction is a form and not a filling, a desire whose object could be anything. That our goal was to shape that dynamic unsettled me. The enterprise seemed fraught with responsibility, and yet The Startup treated it like a fun puzzle animated by cheery rewards. I wondered if other employees felt the weight of our potential success, and whether or not I wanted to share that burden. 

A cake time-lapses into the face of Macauley Culkin clasping his face and gasping in Home Alone. 

A flaming marshmallow is rolled into a tulipped latte, where it extinguishes itself. 

For the rest of the afternoon, I focused on my onboarding assignment so that I could move on to all of my new research tasks. I watched video after video on Douyin, Vigo Video, TikTok, and other apps. I stretched for things to admire about them, searched for the small details that distinguished one from the other.

Often, the same video (or what seemed to be the same video) played across platforms. Image after image pleaded for attention. A light pink orb pulses with pale purple bubbles as lullaby music runs softly in the background. The office flashed and flexed around my phone’s 4.7-inch screen. The title:“For Insomnia People Only!” I looked to Qingling and the other people at my pod, their fingers fanged into their keyboards, just barely hanging on. Did they enjoy all this? What were they here for? Maybe, I thought, they too recognized this as a charade and were just playing along. They had rent to pay. Many were here on work visas. How else could anyone afford to live here? What else can a person do?

My eyes throbbed. I closed them and imagined long horizons and the open room that a Wyoming friend had jokingly mentioned the week before. I remembered that I was lucky enough to be an adult who could live elsewhere. I remembered that there was a world beyond my screen and that there were values beyond money and growth. 

A skateboarder bungees himself toward a ramp. His wheels catch on the lip and he flies into a dumpster.

Once quitting time graciously arrived, I packed up my computer and began to leave. Qingling leaned under her screen, skeptical of my departure. “Hey North, can you come here?” I walked around our pod to meet her at a spreadsheet. 

“I’m actually about to go,” I said. “I can talk for a minute but I have to catch my ride.”

“This is a document with all of the big U.S. events on it,” she said. “It has all of their dates, too.” I saw when the Oscars were, the CMAs and the VMAs. 

“That’d actually be really helpful,” I said, sensing a boon. “Can you send it to me?”

“No,” Qingling said. “If I send it to you, it will limit you. I want you to use your own ideas.”

“No, you won’t limit me—you’d just help me plan. There are plenty of days that aren’t on that list that I’d still use my own ideas for,” I said. 

Qingling seemed unconvinced. I tried to explain how I’d probably use those events anyway, and that having the list would help me be more efficient. She disagreed and looked at me with concern. 

That night, I texted my friend in Wyoming. Hey, is that room still open?

It was. Relieved, I felt my job fade from obligation to option. 


Friday brought fewer meetings and more work time. I finished the slide deck for my onboarding assignment and then made my first event video—an explainer piece about poppies for the upcoming Memorial Day long weekend. My dread and disorientation streamlined into a sense of direction. I felt quick and capable. Was this an energy that I could maintain if I stayed? Or was it simply my body celebrating the knowledge that I could leave The Startup whenever I wanted? It was hard to tell. 

I worked through lunch until our afternoon all-staff stand-up, As part of the onboarding process, we had been asked to film short self-portraits and upload them to The Startup’s app. As the videos rolled, I found myself standing next to Calvin. He stared at the screen with such intensity that I wondered what he was seeing. Was this his vision coming to fruition? The start of a movement? Could Calvin see what I saw—shaky clips nauseated by superfluous production effects? It occurred to me that Calvin might be so enthralled by The Startup’s metrics and self-storytelling that he had become blind to the content of the app itself. Video was not his expertise, after all—numbers were. Then again, his stern gaze might actually be masking some sort of disappointment with our work.

I felt especially conscious of this possibility as my video began to play. The clip begins with a static shot of a grassy knoll, underlined by a concrete path and topped with trees. I walk into the center of the frame, sit down, and sip a cup of coffee. A voice-over introduces myself and my hobbies as the image cuts violently to different illustrations of my various foibles—climbing, skateboarding, goofing off with friends. The video ends with these lines and a montage of roadkill stills: Once, I found a dead squirrel, and it’s been on my mind ever since. If you look, you see things, before they disappear. In slow motion, I fling myself from the top of the frame, backflipping off of a tall cliff,  to the water far below. 

As the screen cut to black, Vincent turned to me and said, “That was good. You should be one of our influencers.”

A weimaraner looks stunned as a rawhide bone protrudes cigarette-style from its jaw. 

A man sprints to jump over a PT Cruiser as it flies toward him on salt flats. 


The meeting broke and everyone scattered toward the office games and beer fridge. I went back to my desk—there was still time before the company barbeque at 7:00 P.M, and I had work to finish. Despite my best efforts, though, I couldn’t complete the trend reports that were due for our meeting on Tuesday morning.

With weekend plans to fly home to Washington State for a relay race, I knew that I wouldn’t have much time to get the extra work done. Besides, on principle, I didn’t want my new job to bleed into my weekend so soon. I walked around to Qingling’s desk and apologized that I hadn’t yet finished my reports. She looked at me quizzically, as if to point out that Tuesday was a full three days away. I elaborated.

“I value my free time and don’t want to work on the weekend. Plus, I don’t think that I have overtime status on my contract,” I said. 

“So you won’t deliver?” she asked. A nearby college intern perked with interest. 

“No, I guess not,” I said. The intern’s face opened in terror. 

“Well, if you’re not going to deliver, then we’re going to have to rethink whether or not you’re a good fit for us,” she said, putting her headphones on and walking away. 

A white woman grabs a wine glass and breaks it against the counter, lip-singing to Beyonce. 

A man dressed as Mario tre flips a five stair as his friends dance to a parody of Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop.”

I tried to enjoy the barbeque, but felt guilty and distracted. I don’t like disappointing people. Qingling already seemed stressed enough. She couldn’t have been much older than I was, and yet she was personally accountable for all of the content on an app built in a language and country that were not her own. Fifteen minutes later, I pulled her aside. 

“I’ll finish my work on the weekend this time, but in the future I hope that we can be more proactive in communicating about work tasks so that I can deliver and still enjoy my weekends,” I said.

“There are many ways to do that,” said Qingling. “You can work harder and more efficient. You can work smarter. This is a startup and you are part of a team. We all work together. You should love your work and take ownership of it. That’s what people at startups do.”

“Okay,” I said, “but I do value my non-work time, too.”

Qingling lowered her brow and looked away. We left the conversation there. I ate a veggie burger and some salad and then left without saying goodbye. 

Shaving cream squirts into a metal spaghetti press. Bendy tubes squirm out like little white worms. #oddlysatisfying


I flew home the following morning to meet some old friends for a relay race that took our team from mountain to sea. Over finish line beers, we caught up on life and talked about where we’d landed. I told them about my shock at The Startup, how it felt so parodic even as it commanded millions of dollars and the lives of so many smart people. They let me vent before affirming that there was little sense in engaging that empty hustle, chasing trends and slapping together videos all summer long. With their support, I felt justified in bailing so soon.

My plane landed back in the Valley on Monday evening. After finishing up my trend reports, I thanked my relatives for their hospitality and, with some embarrassment, told them that I’d be leaving. They were a touch flummoxed, but understanding. Aunt Betsy needled me for being sensitive, and Uncle Mike chuckled at my capriciousness. They asked me where I’d be going. 

“Jackson, Wyoming,” I said, surprising myself with the statement’s certainty. 

“When?”

“Maybe two or three days from now?” I ventured. I knew neither how far away Jackson was, nor exactly where it sat on a map. I would learn the details later.  


It takes about fifteen hours to drive from Silicon Valley to Jackson, Wyoming. I did it in one day, with plenty of time to think. Once the site of so much innovation and promise, it felt strange to encounter a Silicon Valley that chased its tail so vigorously. I wondered what would happen to The Startup. Would it be bought by a Google or an Instagram? Would its trend-hounding approach eventually land an audience? I didn’t know, but I also didn’t much care to find out. 

Jobless and cruising the highway, I felt possessed by a broader sense of possibility than I’d experienced since graduating college. Reassured by my inability to make it in tech, I was on to explore new myths—of the Road, of the West—myths that I hoped would be more capacious, more flexible.

As I passed over the Sierras and angled toward the Rockies, I marvelled at how much of the world remained unscreened. Before me lay more than eyes and brain and image. There lived bodies, flesh, stone and so much more. I saw white-tailed deer, elk, sagebrush hills and the craggy peaks that preside over them. I saw wildflowers blooming from the snowmelt: aster, arrowleaf balsamroot, lupine, larkspur and so many others whose names I did not yet know.

There was space to move and there were stories to live. Switchbacking over the pass from Idaho to Wyoming, I rewound into springtime and thrilled in all of the growth that happens in small, slow, and particular ways. Here, life was just coming back from winter. I crested the hill and pressed down on my brakes. 

Liberals Should Be More Skeptical of Power

A Mangoprism Editorial

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Published
MP112

Oct 15, 2019


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Toward the end of his presidency, it became fashionable in some quarters to contest Barack Obama’s privileged, almost saint-like standing among mainstream liberals as an embodiment of cool-headed grace, dignity, morality, etc… Often, the criticism concerned immigration (deporting undocumented immigrants at record rates) or his foreign policy (arming Saudi Arabia, extralegal drone killings, etc.)

As a devotee of Obama I found myself resisting these critiques on two levels. I dismissed them as flippantly made by those looking to take on a superficially subversive aesthetic. But the deeper resistance was more personal. I’d invested in Obama as a man of clear-eyed ethical realism and a deep appreciation for complexity, for the moderating pressures of his office, and for the long view. My opinion was largely aligned with that expressed by Marilyn Robinson in her book of essays, What Are We Doing Here? when she writes that Obama “had little help from certain of his friends, who think it is becoming in them to express disillusionment, to condemn drone warfare or the encroachments of national security, never proposing better options than these painful choices, which, by comparison with others on offer, clearly spare lives.” Like Robinson, I believed that Obama was surely aware of his moral compromises. But there were layers to these compromises—the matters wouldn’t have reached his desk if there were not—and I trusted that, while he may not have always made the right choice, he approached his fraught decisions with a value system in line with my own. He was dealing with difficult questions, and I was content to have him be the one answering them.

Then I read a review of Robinson’s book in Dissent, which dismissed such a trusting sentiment as nostalgic, in fitting with the kind of clean metaphysical decorum we might expect to find in dogmatic interpretations of revealed religion, instead of the messy imperatives of our actual political life. Leonard writes that Robinson is “totally unable to deal with [Obama] as someone with power, and whose hands are therefore dirty as hell.”

I first read Leonard’s essay at a time when, having interned at one left-wing magazine, and looking to move on to another (Dissent!), I found my political attitudes swirling, my allegiances aligning ever more with those who tended to gussy up cleanly spaces, to shit on my aesthetic contrivances. Leonard’s critique increased the pace of this political reimagining largely because it caught me so squarely and personally in my own naked, often fairly weird sentimentality (my eyes, I recalled, welled with tears at the news that hero Robert Mueller indicted villain Paul Manafort: you arrogantly defile American political institutions, you face justice!) 

In particular, I was struck by Leonard’s use of the phrase, “Hands are dirty.” The idiom tends to have a pejorative slant, suggesting nefarious complicity, double-crossed morals. But it is not clear that Leonard means her point to be taken in such a straightforwardly normative sense. Dirty hands may well play an essential role in the alternative ethic she advocates, wherein shallow, but clean aesthetics of “civil” and high-minded democracy get rattled—in a manner very much in line with the more subversive aspects of the western philosophical tradition—by dissenters and protesters as a matter of course. After all, the organized action whose dissonance she applauds, is by most theories, itself a form of power, implicated, like Obama, by a reality messier than anyone committed to keeping their hands clean could ever hope to accommodate.

A relevant insight into a standard liberal instinct on this matter emerged a few months back, when Current Affairs ran a critical review of Pete Buttigieg’s memoir, arguing that his book betrays the self-centered outlook undergirding his eclectic and impressive-seeming resume. At one point, the reviewer notes, Buttigieg writes of “striding past”—it not appearing to occur to him that joining was a possibility—the “social justice warriors” protesting the low wages of university janitors and food workers, and then Buttigieg writes about his eventual realization that the biggest near-term agents of change at Harvard were not the protesters, but the “mostly apolitical geeks quietly at work in Kirkland House” like Mark Zuckerberg. 

Buttigieg’s apparent instinct to dismiss the protesters is endemic to the liberal mainstream, a powerful, self-righteous, and frequently un-self-critical cultural subgroup that regards any and all substantial disturbances of its peace—literal, aesthetic, or metaphysical—with reactionary suspicion. Looking back, I feel some genuine shame for harboring the same sort of suspicion myself toward some of my college’s activist groups, particularly given my outlook as a student journalist, too willing to accept administration’s implicit rhetorical line that running an institution is complicated and that protesters advocating divestment, or more equitable admissions standards, for example—who spoke to some very real and deeply rooted institutional problems—had a reductive worldview, and basically weren’t to be taken too seriously.

The tendency to romanticize certain identity-affirming power structures and dismiss those who question them stems from a human desire for meaning, and is sometimes totally legitimate and pleasant in a personal sense, but it is politically insidious in literally every context, and particularly when the given powerful subject or structure is hegemonic. 

That power should be regarded with skepticism, no matter how benevolent it may seem, is on a certain level, a premise of the American press, whose best practitioners strive to carry the banner of “comforting the afflicted and afflicting the comfortable,” which, while perhaps a little romantic itself, is a mandate premised on an ethic of dissent if there ever was one. 

Fully realized in storytelling form, this dissenting ethic would involve resisting the temptation to romanticize government institutions, as I did in conceiving of Mueller in such heroic terms. These sort of implicitly patriotic indulgences almost always pair with an uncritical submission to the grand narratives, themselves borne of an ostensibly liberal tradition which has, in actuality, under the cover of this righteous teleology privileged countless human lives over others in a grotesque and sordid history the sober appraisal of which quakes the foundations that support these narratives in the first place (critical appraisals which, at their best, clear space such that new and often more interesting stories can emerge.)

And yet, the grand patriotic narrative is ascendant in mainstream liberal discourse. The New York Times completed its editorial endorsing impeachment by imploring “the institutions of American governance… in historic rebuke, to demonstrate the majesty of representative democracy.” The New Yorker, calling Nancy Pelosi an “extremely stable genius,” casts the American political moment in explicitly dramatic terms: and “into this reality has stepped, if belatedly, Nancy Pelosi, Democrat of California, Speaker of the House.” 

That both “institutions of American governance” and Pelosi have, by dint of their power—and regardless of how well they’ve wielded it—extraordinarily dirty hands of their own is lost amidst such elevated rhetoric, which trades not on sober and substantive analysis of a subject’s performance, but rather on a form of restorative nostalgia, which galvanizes a secular liberal readership eager for meaning and redemption in the historical structures of governmental power whose stars, under Trump, have dimmed considerably. It is an instinct with which I can identify. I get it both ways. Sometimes it’s nice, and even essential, to rest, to settle into a clean metaphysics, to draw up a wall and hunker in cozy. It is a privilege too many can ill afford. ▩

Andrew Yang Makes His Case to Skeptics on the Left

A Mangoprism exclusive

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Published
MP107

Aug 06, 2019


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I interviewed the presidential candidate Andrew Yang for half an hour before he held a rally in Chicago in the fall of 2018. His candidacy was relatively unknown at the time, so he was taking all the press he could muster. I myself had little to offer, but my intern-y affiliations with a small national labor magazine conferred enough credibility that his people reached out, even after I’d acknowledged to them that no editors anywhere bit on my pitches, and so the prospective piece would likely never land.

I first heard of Yang while driving from Walla Walla, Washington to Spokane. I was driving alone. At that point I’d just graduated college and was working part-time as a local newspaper reporter and I was listening to Sam Harris’s podcast, which is a common way to discover Yang. Yang came across as witty and smart. His ideas stood up to the light scrutiny of Harris, who played the friendly skeptic. The main idea about which Harris expressed his skepticism was Yang’s policy proposal to give every American adult one thousand bucks per month without (ostensibly) a solitary string.

Univeral Basic Income attracts strange bedfellows. Libertarians sometimes like the idea because its enactment might be leveraged to gut the bureaucracy; Marxists sometimes like the idea because of its potential, in a living wage form, to liberate individuals from some of the insidious norms and structures that have traditionally defined mainstream economic life. Most normal people like the idea because $1,000 per month would be pretty helpful. The contours here are well-established and if you are interested to learn more you should read Dissent Magazine’excellent piece on the complicated history of UBI.

Having never encountered the concept in Yang’s proposed form, I found it compelling and provocative, and I continued to vaguely track Yang over the following months. And so, out of that unlikely podcast moment, here is Yang, nobody presidential candidate, and here am I, nobody journalist, and we start off inauspicious: I ask him about another place on his “Humanity First” tour—Detroit, where he says he has a “bunch of friends.”

“Really?” I say. He was doing something with his briefcase. I ask him what running for president entails, and he took the question literal, explaining the constitutional requirement that one be 35 and a natural born citizen, and the legal requirement that you file some paperwork with the Federal Election Commission. Then he said, monotone and straight, that “the real challenge” of running for president “is that the whole thing is a giant social construction.”

The quick backstory, which you can now get anywhere, including in Yang’s book, which is pretty good, is that he ran a non-profit called Venture for America which looked to train business leaders in regions with stagnating economies. He told me, and has told others that he felt like he was pouring water in a bathtub with a gaping hole in it, and what do you do then? You stop pouring water. You try to patch the hole—especially when said bathtub hole threatens to “destroy us.”

I said lots of people might notice a similar sort of bathtub hole and would do a different thing than run for president. He said well, he’s an entrepreneur and a problem solver at heart:

“You wouldn’t ever propose something and say ‘well even if I wanted to do this it would not actually make a difference.’ And so I drew up: ‘What could you do that would actually solve this problem?’—the fact that we’re quickly automating away the most common jobs in the American economy. And there are very, very few things one can meaningfully do to address that. And most all of them involve control of the government… because right now the market is the primary determinant of the value of people’s time and how much money everyone makes. And the market does not care at all about displaced truck drivers, or cashiers, or… accountants or journalists… If you look at it objectively, America has invested faith in the market for the last several decades, and the market is about to fail us catastrophically. I mean, it has already been failing us in terms of elevating most people’s standard of living, in my own life. But now it’s really going to get catastrophically dark. We’re in the third inning of the greatest economic and technological transformation in the history of the world and its already brought us Donald Trump. By the time we get to the fourth, fifth, sixth inning it’s going to be unimaginable.”

He would later say again, at the rally, as he does at many rallies, that “third inning of the greatest economic and technological transformation…” thing. He’s very good, at least on a superficial level, at staying on message, at telling a clean story. The story he tells is that the early waves of economic stagnation which he believes have been largely ushered in by automation—and the logic that motivates its spread—are well-upon us and quite ugly, if still relatively inconspicuous in certain privileged enclaves, such that well-positioned liberally-inclined folks can still ignore the rot. His story is that that rapid economic deterioration of this character will continue, accelerate rapidly, and sprawl if we don’t act swiftly. Many economists take issue with this account, but it is a compelling and intuitive-seeming one, and he earnestly makes the case for it in terms of easy-to-understand numbers and trends, colored and bolstered rhetorically with anecdotal attributions to this or that in-the-know friend of his in venture capital or Silicon Valley. He paints himself as a kind of bridge between these elite-types and “normal people,” and he says these elite folks have told him, over lunch, for example, their dire and presumably well-informed predictions for the trajectory of American capitalism. Yang’s story is that he looks at the situation objectively, and considers dispassionate non-ideological solutions that take as a premise that human life is innately valuable and that the market, left as it has been to its own psychopathic devices, does not share in this premise.

It can be difficult to tell what Yang thinks about the amoralism of contemporary American capitalism. He understands and can explain its most brutal tendencies quite well, but it worries some critics that he doesn’t seem to outright condemn these tendencies per se. Yang ultimately identifies as a capitalist, and this sensibility shows up in his corporate-sounding lexicon, by which Yang unironically deploys the rhetoric of “job-creators” and “entrepreneurship” that tends to show up as nonsense to those skeptical of capitalistic platitude.

He’s not concerned about how he sounds on such rhetorical litmus tests. He told me the “entire dichotomy of socialism and capitalism is decades old and anachronistic, and right now the temptation is for someone who sees the problems of capitalism to say ‘well I hate the stuff so I must want the opposite, which is socialism.’ I’m going to say two things from what a guy named Eric Weinstein said that I agree with wholeheartedly: The first thing he said is that ‘we did not know that capitalism was going to be eaten by its son, technology,’ and the second thing is that ‘we need to become both radically capitalist and radically socialist in different arenas.’”

So Yang says he’s not interested in semantics. I said that some people are, and he said that his policies would be attractive to the average left-wing voter, but that he sees in invocations of socialism a pernicious nostalgia, “a fondness for a world that never existed.” He thinks there are ways to credibly engage with the dark forces of our time—automation and climate change being dark force 1a and 1b on his list—“that don’t frankly look back on the teachings of someone from like a hundred years ago”—he laughs here—“as, like, the end all be all. Because no one 100 years ago could have foreseen artificial intelligence or any of the technologies we’re currently looking at, and so I quote Joe Rogan on something he said in his recent Netflix special, which is that ‘if the founding fathers woke up today, their first question would be: You mean you didn’t write any new shit?’ We have to stop looking backwards. We seem to be obsessed with what the scrolls say, you know? It’s a stupid way to think about trying to”—he caught himself: “I don’t want to be dismissive, but we have to get with the program: it’s like, 2018 soon 2020. We have to have some new ideas.”


The “nostalgia” that Yang is somewhat glibly critiquing here consists, he told me in the supposed aspiration among many on the left to return to the halcyon, equitable economies of the fifties and sixties. He says the idea that these economies were in many ways better for the working class is accurate, but that trends regarding globalization, deregulation, automation, contracting—all the forces and avenues by which corporations have found ways to weasel out of any and all genuine civic obligations—have rendered this vision of return a fantasy. Yang went on that Bernie—who he said he would have voted for, had he voted in the 2016 primary—is among those who “unfortunately hue to a vision of the economy that is still extremely institutional and institutionally led.  It’s like ‘get the institutions to treat people the way we want them to be treated.’ Instead we should just provide people directly with the things that would make them better able to accomplish their own goals and meet their own needs and adapt for the future, and just skip the middleman.”

If I were quicker-witted, I would have pressed Yang on what exactly he means when he dismisses an “institutionally led” vision of change, or when he paints the picture of a left stuck in the past. His unchallenged elaboration was that “trying to pretend that we can massage our current version of the economy into something that seems moral based upon things like increasing the minimum wage or bullying companies into treating people better strikes me as the wrong approach.  I think we should look directly at the goals that we have, such as getting money into people’s hands, and just say ‘okay, we want to put money into people’s hands? The most direct and effective way to do that is to put money in people’s hands.’”

Why is forcing companies to be better the “wrong approach?” The implication here, that we should not try to go through corporations to make our society more moral, because that is a lost cause—just not going to happen—feels like a remarkably radical concession for the government to make—being as it supposedly is the only locus of institutional might sufficient to patch the bathtub hole.

For Yang, this may be the reality we live in, and we need new ideas to make this world work—to salvage a modest little bubble of humanity impervious to forces of the market. But for many on the left, this is a deeply pessimistic vision, and it is already when you should stop taking Yang seriously. (Moreover, if critical thinking consists in one part intellectual humility, another in a charitable ear, this ungenerous take on Bernie’s singularly expansive political vision does not inspire much confidence in the man whose sober intellect is the hallmark of his brand, a man who frequently invokes— albeit with a layer of irony—the nerdy Asian stereotype to bolster his credibility as a foil to Donald Trump.)

But neither are critics on the left particularly charitable to Yang, who has taken heat for the absence of explicit class politics in his campaign. Indeed, he does not explicitly engage in the rhetoric of collective action. Critics see his UBI proposal as a mere palliative, an unimaginative morsel bestowed from on high to the masses, who would not, under the new policy ultimately be in a better position to challenge existing structures of inequality and power. For someone who thinks our version of capitalism—with its perverse incentives and market failures—is failing us catastrophically, he doesn’t seem particularly interested in fundamentally challenging its premises. The focus on tone and rhetoric might seem flighty, but this isn’t itself the problem, because it is also kind of all we have to go on to judge the guy’s instincts. For a piece I wrote about the New Hampshire family to which Yang, in a publicity stunt is personally giving one thousand dollars per month, I interviewed Kathi Weeks, who wrote a book advocating for a living-wage UBI on Feminist-Marxist grounds. She said the key question for lefty-oriented folks regarding Yang is whether his proposal is framed as a kind of groundwork for broader political transformation, or whether its’ just kind of “blithely” pitched as a “solution” per se that allows us to retain existing structures and economic norms. Nathan Robinson made a good case in Current Affairs that Yang, if his rhetoric is to be taken seriously, understands UBI in terms of the latter vision (for one, it would be paid for with a probably regressive tax, and by giving people a choice regarding whether to keep their current benefits or take the UBI.)

But that Yang doesn’t actively speak with a certain progressive lexicon doesn’t necessarily mean his politics don’t engage with progressive moral imperatives. If the contours on which our political divisions are conceived in the mainstream media are mostly nonsense; if as far as ordinary people go, the power dynamics, and thus the lines on which bonds of political solidarity can or ought to be established, in fact have very little to do with someone’s voter registration—which is mostly a reflections of the milieu from which a person emerged—and a lot to do with a person’s education, race, class, gender, legal status, etc., then the eclectic following Yang has forged is worth taking very seriously.

To cast automation as the bogeyman has, for Yang, proven to be an effectively apolitical (in the sense that it does not provoke traditional “political” divisions) rhetorical move, implicitly establishing a new common ground in the form of a collective dark fate to which most working class, and eventually, middle class people will, the story goes, be subjected. That Yang is not actively speaking the language of socialism could then be beside the point. The delineations are clear enough: Inequality will dramatically increase as the owners of said automatons scurry off with the loot, leave the rest to of us to our desolate fates.

That in the process of making this point he doesn’t make a moral judgement on the looters, who he says are just doing what any other human in their position would do, is an important aspect of his political sensibility. Some might find it unpalatable—many humans do in fact carry on their lives and negotiate their power without actively fucking over everyone else—but it is also central to his broad appeal. This amoral style is also operative in regards to Yang’s reluctance to employ rhetoric that addresses distinct, non class-based political identities like race or gender: he (not to me, but in other contexts) has said this would not be an effective rhetorical tool by which to win an election, because on its cue—the rhetoric’s legitimacy notwithstanding—he thinks a lot of people who honestly mostly share a similar set of goals lose their shit and get all riled up despite being on the same team where the rubber meets the road.

Yang reminds me of the friends of mine who are into Econ but are not tools: I tolerate their occasional displays of intellectual arrogance, and appreciate their refreshingly good-faith political arguments. Yang wants to apply cold logic to a purely humanistic end, a utilitarian mindset that aims to rise to see the forest, that is more interested in ends than means. And take it a step further, and the resulting tension—of having a basic moral vision but not worrying about the rhetoric that gets you there—actually colors the supposedly objective logic that undergirds his policy proposals with an endearing touch of naiveite, operating as it is out of the implicit assumption that in fact the world works in terms of any logic at all.

Of course, the dark side of this naivete would be the sort of oblivious, baseless, master-of-universe self-confidence endemic to the consulting/tech/econ major milieu with which Yang is so often simplistically grouped. Yang tells a clean story about a messy world. But is it too clean? But does it leaves all of us off the hook? The poor economic circumstances we find ourselves in are, in his telling, almost platonic, entirely detached from the people who largely bear responsibility for creating them. For folks on the left, politics is a messy game, and it leaves everyone—though some far more than others—dirty to the bone. Yang’s vision sounds substantive in theory; but critics argue it lacks moxie, that the notion of rendering corporations irrelevant by working around them becomes absurd upon contact with the material world in which corporate interests abide, that what sounds like cold-blooded pragmatism in fact pales in its fortitude to the broad-based, hard-nosed, vaguely utopian visions espoused by the most prominent and dynamic figures on the left, who refuse to concede unchecked corporate power as a given. Yang’s proposals are certainly big, but they might stand to be a little more ambitious.

“I think people find me interesting in that I contain certain contradictions,” said Yang as the interview was wrapping up. Now just coming off his second debate on the national stage, and poised for a third as his improbable ascension continues, he believed at the time that he could clarify his case to skeptics, that his sometimes flippant amoral rhetoric belied a fertile common ground of concern for capitalism’s dehumanizing impulses. He took pains, in our interview, to present himself as an (innovative) friend of labor. But he says in regards to the labor movement’s prospects, that “no one gives a shit about your point of view, because our country has now been dominated by market-based thinking. And if you are pro-labor, pro-union, you are trying to preserve some inefficient labor practices that belong in the past and have no place here in the 21st century.” He spoke admiringly of the moral high ground on which he believes labor folks often stand, but he thinks that, in the current state of our economy, moral-standing is irrelevant. “We need to keep fighting, but we need to change the rules of the game,” he said. “We need a game changer.”

Well, here he is. He said he really wants—and needs, he acknowledged at the time—to reach folks on the left. “We are aligned,” said Yang. I may not look and sounds necessarily like the people are used to.” He paused. “But I want the same things. And I’m convinced that I can add a loooot of value.”


Yang told me the origin story of his campaign (which may well be a Mangoprism exclusive, because I have not read it anywhere else, and all of the articles about him say same thing, so it doesn’t seem to be part of his standard well of anecdotes). He and Andy Stern—the former Service Employees International Union president—met for breakfast in New York to talk about the automation problem that they believe will destroy the American working class.

I imagine this as one of those cool lunches Yang recounts sharing with this or that person in the know, who gave it to him straight, no bullshit, and he as a candidate is here to convey the candid message. He and Stern are talking UBI, and the automation problem, which they see as being grossly underrepresented in mainstream discourse. Per Yang’s telling: Yang says “whose running on this” and Stern says “absolutely nobody,” and Yang says, “then I’ll run.

“Which I knew going in because I’d met with other people I’d thought might run and none them were going to do it,” he said. “And then I knew, given that Andy is the foremost voice on this issue, that he would know if anyone was running or not.” So going in to the lunch Yang says he was thinking, “’well if he tells me someone else is gonna run on it, then great: I don’t have to drop everything and do it myself.’ I kind of expected him to say ‘nobody’ though, because I understand how the world works. Like most of the time nobody does shit. And then you have to do it yourself. That’s just the way the world works, most of the time.” ▩


Teleology

How we murdered two city ducks in the crucible of youth

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP102 Life

May 21, 2019


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We cabooze amidst the lily pads one rare and sultry summer day here in Seattle’s Washington Park Arboretum—nerve center for the languorous teen drinking scene, a veritable Eden textured with a touch of municipal grunge in the form of long-abandoned highway construction projects, low concrete structures that loom stone-silent above the lilies and the marshland in post-apocalyptic grandeur. We float about the old pilings. Young ducklings quack after their mothers. We get stuck in the lily pads. The lily pads prove less inviting than they had appeared, like aquatic versions of those distant paradisiacal fields of immaculate green that reveal themselves upon close inspection to be coarse and uneven—ankle-twisters: frolic if you dare.

That such days are rare makes them precious; that they are precious gives them stakes— such days remind us that our time is limited: waste not thy hour, the days seem to say.

Ronald’s bouncy—and excellent—Jewish anchorman curls highlight a tight square jaw below, animated by a skittish minor form of ADHD that belies a solid, easy-riding temperament. Ronald is currently serving out a one year ban from Fred Meyers on account of his having attempted to steal playing cards for “Magic, The Gathering,” after which transgression store-security summoned his mother to bring him home for further discipline. Invoking Gandalf the Grey, Ronald has developed a new habit: a thin trail of smoke climbs upward out of the packed wooden pipe laying at his side. He holds a white and red can of Rainier beer. Quintessential.

Vandover lies back, exposing a burly and tenuously hirsute chest. He dawns the sort of aviators behind which you can tell he spends seventy-five percent of his mental capacity considering how fucking cool he looks with these aviators on. Vandover is wicked-smart and knows it— occasionally crass and cocky, he will likely go into business or finance, yet he is a witty and sympathetic soul beneath the gloss. He holds a white and red can of Rainier beer. Quintessential.

Aesthetically speaking, we are the shit. And yet we lack something, a momentum, a raison d’etre to give us traction amidst the continuum. A canoe mustn’t be left to float unpaddled and aimless. Where are we going…

I struggle with this sometimes, and evermore as I grow older and my creativity calcifies toward stodgy and depressing oblivion. Drinking is supposed to fend it off. Indeed it has largely become an end in itself. And yet, today we remain unsatisfied. We desire more: a new purpose, a new beginning…

None of us has been hunting before, but today we decide that we are going to kill a city duck, Google or Youtube how to feather it and clean its innards or whatever, and roast the sucker for dinner.

Then we are going to tell everyone about it.


The Washington Park arboretum—this artificial nature preserve of the city of Seattle renowned for its sublime beauty and diverse foliage and Japanese gardens—is composed of four keg spots. I will briefly describe them to you, as each enacts a subtle inflection of the Seattle high school milieu—a set of distinct connotations, all of which bear on the matter at hand.

5-20: Not to be confused with “5-20 North,” “5-20” stands beneath an overpass upon an incomplete highway on-ramp embedded in the marshland. If you follow the on-ramp as it rises, it will take you above the waters of the lake and you can jump for a good thirty-foot thrill. This is not what we do. 5-20 kegs are raw, lively, and bare bone actuality. They take place not in the sun but in the shadow of the deserted highway above. Seniors yell “senior” and push you to the back of the gaggle jonesing for the keg tap. Blunts and stale beer. You might get-peer pressured to box. Around 4:00 someone will yell—“cops” and you will skitter into the bushes.

Foster Island: At the end of a long trail, this public park peninsula teems with backwards hats. The site is beachfront, with the University of Washington football stadium across the ship path. The spot is spectacular, but the beauty has a cost: when the cops arrive, there is no place to run…

Pagoda: Properly speaking, most pagoda “kegs” were in fact “Spodies,” or “PantyDroppers” as they are known to the vulgar. This means some guy with a fake ID and basketball shorts bought five half gallons of Skol Vodka and Sunny-D and put it in a dirty red cooler he stole from his mom and he hocks blue solo cups and when he has made sufficient cash he opens up the cooler and you shimmy your way into the swell of rabid hands, desperately thrashing about the liquid to get the fill. Chug and repeat before the baby runs dry. Sometimes people bring brass knuckles and seek squeenie-bears on whom to stunt. Around 4:00 someone will yell—“cops” and you will skitter down the hill into the cars and drive off, fast and easy.

Area-13: Properly speaking, “Area-13” does not “exist.” The cops knew the jig too well and so necessity intoned that roughly six days prior to the most important keg-day of the year, a crack-squadron of between three and seven enterprising seniors, bearing weed and weed-wackers and machetes, set-off into a scouted-locale deep in the bush of the arboretum. Here they prepared Area-13. Its precise coordinates remained a secret to the last, when individuals of disparate social stations were brought to the clearing and told to return with their respective cohorts. The cops never did come.


Today it is likely that Area-13 no longer exists.

The Pagoda recently reopened after a long renovation of an arboretum path. The area has become a thoroughfare, no longer suitable for spodies.

The 5-20 derelict overpass—once termed the “Bridge to Nowhere”—has been largely demolished to make way for a new bridge across the marsh and the lilies.

The lilies remain.

The ducks continue to bob.


Quack quack quack said the duck.  Quack. I loaded the dart into the red metal tube. Ronald had gone to Walmart and purchased a red blow gun for $8 plus tax. Quack. We gently bobbed with the waves and with the duck. Quack quack quack. I took aim, raised the tube to my mouth, trained the sights on the duck’s small bobbing grey-green head. It pecked down into the water, righted itself again. I closed my eyes. The sun’s afterglow remained. My eyes opened. I formed my mouth around the tube. Phhu: I blew into the tube and with a hollow echo of air the dart flew, beginning its trajectory above the ducks head, gravity at 9.8 meters per second per second and the dart reached an apex before beginning its decent and the dart was incoming and the duck just quack quacked oblivious to its incoming oblivion — I am doom I am doom I am doom doom you duck doom! And the duck bobbed on and the dart flew high, into the bushes just beyond.

I was relieved to miss. Søren Kierkegaard said that time and eternity intersect in the moment of existential choice, wherein I decide, and so cast my being into the inhuman maw of the one great scorer. He said we make decisions in our life, wherein freedom and limitation are enacted both; my friend, a Kierkegaard aficionado, once described this in terms of the moment before and after jumping from the diving-board. To whom or what did you give yourself up to, exactly? How does it feel to put your life entirely in the hands of the Gods? Thrilling? Exposed? Human?

It was Ronald’s turn. He didn’t want to do it. We weren’t driven by peer pressure exactly—generally speaking, none of us played that tune—but there was a palpable sense that we were transgressing into a new and forbidden and jarring realm from which we would not be able to return. It was alluring and it was inevitable. We didn’t dare each other so much as we were dared by time itself. We were getting older.

Ronald loaded the blow gun with a three-inch dart and put his mouth to its other end. The duck pecked the water and waddled its orange feet. It put its head up. The head stayed up. The head bobbed a few times. Phuuop.

The duck shook hideously. It flapped its side upon the water. It made sounds I have not heard from a duck. It did not quack. It hissed. The water splashed wild all around it. We froze. What had we expected? I looked to Ronald, whose eyes seemed slowly to recede behind a veneer of contrived triumph. He got it! He got it, he got it…

We looked quite closely. With care, one could just make out in the thrashing duck’s neck the neon-green pin—the duck thrashed to its other side and we could see the needle’s point protruding through its flesh.

Horror.

We paddled towards it. We considered firing another shot: kill it, kill it, kill. We could not decide. We paddled away then we paddled back towards it but the duck thrashed fast, faster and faster and it struggled through the water, into the lily pads, and we lost sight of it, but we could hear it still.

We breathed in. I do not know why, at this point, Vandover decided to shoot a duck himself, but I can’t say I blame him. It was his turn. Ronald and I had already gone. I may have missed, but Ronald’s strike was all of ours, and when Vandover shot his duck in the side, and it began thrashing—though mercifully for us, not hissing—I felt it as though I had shot it myself.

We chased this duck in our canoe as well, but this time with unexpectedly minimal heart. We wanted to put it out of its misery and we did in earnest try. But the duck—this second duck—thrashed into a public viewable area, from which other caboozers might see what we had done.

After some minutes, we decided to turn back, leave the duck to its fate as we went to our own.

We returned the canoe to Ronald’s car, at the Foster Island parking lot, subdued, straining with anxious humor to make light of the horror we had become on this day of promise. We had planned to reconvene later, to prepare and roast the duck, but we left these plans unacknowledged and we went our separate ways. ▩


An earlier version of this article incorrectly referred to the blow gun weapon as “blue” and “plastic.” In fact it was red and metallic.

Fire in the Rain

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life Travel

Nov 01, 2018


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Tavish and I set up my half dome™ under a leaning tree in a rain storm, which is an un-Tavish-like thing to do.

We think we are alone and we think we are hot stuff because the rain is pounding and there we are dry, if smelly, in the half-dome™ along Horseshoe Lake in the bosom of the Wallowa Mountain Range in Northeast Oregon.

Then I see Tavish sticking his waving outward from tent. I peer up yonder way: two cloaked Tusken Raiders descend from the mountain forest above.

They come closer: in fact they are not Tusken Raiders but human-beings in drenched cloak-like ponchos. Tavish greets them. I do not exit the tent.

Tavish returns and we pity them, for they do not have their tent set up and they are cold and they are wet. Together we stew in the fart and foot fungus juices of our small unbreathing half dome™, but at least we are dry. Ha! Ha!

We are here because Tavish, an earnest old friend from Seattle childhood, anong whose great virtues is an uncommonly open heart, was willing at my cajoling to take a chance on a mountain range that was not the Cascades or the Olympics.And so we took a trip to make a new memory.

You, reader whether visitor or lifelong dweller of the valley, might consider replicating the trip yourself, whether in raw substance or ethereal form.

 —  —

Tavish arrives and we leave at dawn into the rain and the thunder and a prospect of lingering snow inhibiting our early-season jaunt. Two hours to Joseph through approximately five distinct landscapes — wheat to low mountain-pine to rolling intermountain grasslands to curvy Minam River valleys to the final spectacular cowboy-romantic quintessence: the Wallowa valley, where fields borne of lava flows spawn rolling grass, give unexpected way — no foothill intermediary — what is this, the Cascades? — to basalt and granite mountains, stark-of-point, risen in eons past under gnashing billowing forces of the earthen core.

I’ve skied the Wallowas in winter. You should too — take an avalanche training course first — but the late spring in the Eagle Cap Wilderness is a spectacle unto its own.

There is a ranger station in Joseph just off the main drag. The rangers are kind and predictably cautious, “prophets of doom” as one hiker we would encounter would say. File their word seriously, but seek other accounts as well.

We took the Wallowa Lake trailhead onto the West-Fork Wallowa River Trail due South on a slow-rising single track, pocked with the occasional horse poop, up, up into the mountain valley.

Two miles to the turn to Ice Lake, a gem. If you are doing the one night turn here; if not do as we do, continue forth straight to Six-Mile Meadow.

Do not put your boots back on after you cross the first river because there will be a second crossing around the bend. There are scattered precarious logs that will convey you across, dry, unless you slip, but having experimented with both methodologies, I say just ford the sucker.

We ascend in the white fog and rain and we have no view but the mountains are there and we know it and it makes our trek feel epic. The switchbacks up to Horseshoe Lake render the the trail unexpectedly mild, given the terrain. Tavish recounts a route he once took in Switzerland that forsook switchbacks entirely; instead hikers marched directly up a 50-degree face. Bizarrely, he said, the trail was paved. We speculate as to what these details reveal about the spirit of the Swiss.

We wonder what our own paths reveal about ourselves.

 —  —  —

The last time I saw Tavish for a substantive period of time was the fall of 2016, on the day of the presidential election. I had hitchhiked much of the United States, first sticking the thumb at the Eastbound U.S. Highway 12 entrance on Wilbur Avenue here in Walla Walla.

After a month of travel I arrived in Boston for the big day. The weather was gorgeous. Tavish and I took a casual morning run around the Back Bay Fens park and I vomited half-way through from exhaustion and told him to go on without me.

We watched the returns from his high-rise dorm that night. I remember that there was nothing to say and I listened to the voices of defeat and victory through the airport-bound Uber radio and travelled under the Logan Airport tunnel and it turned to static and the driver shook his head in silence and occasionally said, enigmatically, “I don’t even blame him.”

A recent standout mechanical engineering graduate from Northeastern University, Tavish has become something of a woke globe-trotting cosmopolitan in recent years. He swears more; he does theatre. He is an engineer, a problem-solver, and yet these days it ever-more seems the problems in which he is most interested tend to be the essentially unsolvable ones. He is a fastidious fellow, but he is also somewhat bold and it has become difficult to say which quality is more basic. He gives lie to the dichotomy Anthony Bourdain posited in writing: “your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park.”

After a brush with contemporary Tavish, one might ask: “why can’t it be both?”

I am not an engineer and I am not problem-solver and my body is neither temple nor amusement park. As then in Boston, and here in the Wallowas, the contrasts of Tavish and I emerge best via clean juxtaposition.

For example, Tavish recently became vegan, and he is self-conscious of the meme (How do you know someone is a vegan?They’ll tell you, etc…) but I permitted him to inform me of the literature, specifically the China Study which I am told all of us should read because it will teach us How Not to Die (incidentally, the name of another recommended book), apprising us via rigorous scientific study of the strong correlations between animal-product ingestion and all the diseases that make you perish earlier than was initially foretold.

Another example is I bring a toothbrush camping only because I think Tavish will think it strange (at best) that I did not bring a toothbrush on a three-night camping trip. It is only when Tavish begins using his toothbrush that I feel obliged to use my own, for appearances sake, and although I did not bring toothpaste I pretend to rifle through my bag looking for it such that he thinks I did and then I make a motion only the periphery of which he can see which suggests that I am at that moment applying toothpaste to my dirty toothbrush — in fact I am not .

Then we start brushing in simultaneity, and after approximately thirty seconds I have brushed my teeth as much as I feel like and he has clearly just begun so I keep brushing keep brushing keep brushing, but I am getting very bored so eventually, having determined that I have brushed sufficiently long to keep basic appearances, I spit, taking care so as to obscure the discharge such that he cannot see that it is not a substantive bubbly froth of toothpaste but a mere thin spray of saliva, alone.

Anyways we are sitting there, feeling superior and pitying the Tusken Raiders when Tavish smells something and glances out.

“Is that a fire?”

The rain hammers the rain fly like marbles on a wood floor so I say no it’s not you fool how could they possibly have done that in these conditions?

Tavish tells me to look for myself— billowing smoke emerges from the campsite across the trail.

It can’t be, but it is.

The refrain of our mercurial time. This juxtaposition: us cold and tent-bound and the newcomers by-roaring fire, turns out to be somewhat emasculating. The fire is a power-move, an implicit assertion of their alpha-status.

We continue to stew as heretofore described, but now augmented by a tinge of snarling resentment and self-pity. Eventually we collect our dignity and investigate how the hell this is possible — did they bring a god-damned duraflame log?

It is a dog and it is a woman and it is a man. They are researchers, the woman and man — not sure about the dog — for NOAA in Newport, Oregon. We convene standing around the smoky wet fire.

The dog amicably attacks me. The man tells the dog, “aren’t you supposed to be dying or something” in regards to the dog’s ostensible coldness and wetness from which it has only recently received respite underneath a rainfly.

“How did you do it?” we ask. The man pulls out a little baggie filled of small marble-sized white balls. He tells us they are cotton balls that have been dipped in vaseline.

The woman offers us some extra cotton balls ourselves but the man grumbles something about how they have another night or two and she reaffirms her offer to us and there is tension and we say no no no thanks we are good but we will use the cotton ball technique in the future and preach its gospel (this article hence).

Anyways we continue up to Glacier Lake the next day. The last day we go to Ice Lake, which is spectacular as promised. Then we go to Terminal Gravity Brewery in Enterprise where I chomp a juicy burger in Tavish’s face while he eats hummus and pita bread, and now here, upon profound reflection, is a last, special-bonus takeaway just for you:

The night after the emasculating fire, the clouds temporarily broke and light shone on the distant mounts of snow and ice. In the clearing we saw where we were, which was on the shores of a glassy-clear alpine lake deep ringed by massive unworldly peaks in foreground and background both. Tavish worked for one hour to make a fire, experimenting with new strategies new techniques to turn water logged-wood into flame. No dice. He tinkered and tinkered long beyond when I lost hope and left him some pity-tinder: a few pages from Cormac MccArthy’s All the Pretty Horses and also some waxy pages from the boring beginning part of the “New Yorker” Magazine.

He orients the pages vertical via some strange bark contraption structure and tinkers and tinkers further.

And then it catches, the contraption. Traction. I am called to duty, collect with all speed, prepare and organize a clean inventory of fuel. Stat! Stat! Stat!

We feed the flame with a cautious care. Shavings, one at a time.

The flame lingers, evaporates the water, lingers still, produces thick steam through the surrounding bark. And then it grows hot.

Donald Mayo Skirts His Own Death

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Fiction

Apr 01, 2018


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“He was taken from the coffin and again placed in the electric chair.”
—Arkansas newspaper on botched execution –  1923

“He decided to build a company that would solve death.”
—The New Yorker on Bill Marris, CEO of Google Ventures – 2017

Ever since Bill Marris and Google solved death, the weekly rhythm of Donald Mayo’s, and all of America’s life centers on the story of the everyday-Jane or Joe mainstreet-type winner, from a place like Wilmington Vermont, and how he or she is granted life-eternal.

Donald Mayo, for his part, is a goner, and knows it, too. Two weeks. The day is May 18th, 2025 and he is to die on June 1st, when the elephant cloud passes over the waning crescent moon.

Donald, when he learns this, does not think to himself, “shoot.” He also does not consider his sister, who will be obliged to spend time with their mother consoling her and arranging the relatives. He does not consider the overburdened public servant for the deceased, who will have to add Donald’s profile to his ever-growing checklist of former citizens to erase from the registry. He does not foresee the sexless nights the corpse-retrievers will have to spend away from their lovers, nor the boredom of the mortuary artist who will widen and moisten cadaver-Donald’s dead eyeballs for display to uncle Jordan, and cousin Sue, and friend Laura at the funeral.

Donald Mayo is selfish that way.

Donald is sitting on the chair in his kitchen, and listening to Iggy Pop, whose work he admires, and he is deciding what to do in the time before his death when he notices that he has to urinate. On his toilet, he has one of those fun fact calendars that you’re supposed to tear out every day. His is trivia themed. On February 7th, it asks you what Otto Titzling was famous for, and then if you look on the back it tells you that it was for inventing the bra. Donald gets a kick out of this and he is excited to tell Laura. He rips the paper off to reveal the next one. February 8th. Kangaroos have three vaginas. February 9th. Cats don’t meow to communicate with other cats. February 10th: The 46th president of the United States raised a colony of lizards and he ate one every morning for strength. Then he washes his hands and calls his friend Laura and they play some chess online and he messages her about his facts and they amuse her.

“Haha,” she writes.

Then Donald makes himself a quesadilla with shredded mozzarella cheese with refried beans from an aluminum can.

The newest lottery winner pops up on Donald Mayo’s telephone. Her name is Roslyn Kane, and she is a  ballet dancer from Wilmington, Vermont. “Now she’ll be da-da-da dancing into the next millennium!” yells the announcer.

Donald knows his death is true because the fortune teller that confirmed it had corroborating evidence. You know how when someone, like a public figure, is accused of rape or sexual deviance, the allegations include a description of the declination of the accused’s penis, or of the dark mole on the underside of his scrotum? It is kind of like that. There is no denying the veracity of the fate.

It would be inaccurate to say that the foreknowledge of his fast-approaching death does not alter Donald Mayo’s approach.

For example, Donald, when he is tired and inclined to go to bed early, he reminds himself “you can sleep when you’re dead.”

Donald also decides to take one of his vacation weeks. His employer is irked at the short notice, but Donald gives his assurance that he will work twice as hard when he returns.

He lies.

Donald flies to Cuba, where he takes a two-hour salsa lesson, and drinks three Daiquiri’s at La Floridita, just like Hemingway used to.

While there, he prepares his will, which stipulates that his body should go to the Biology Lab at Kalamazoo, his alma matter, to which he still maintains a tepid allegiance. He’d studied Anthropology there, and he once tried the drug LSD with his friend Ramiro. He’d written a note to himself: “ride the wave.” Ramiro thought that was pretty good.

Donald returns from Cuba with an beach-bod–bronze, and a half gallon of 7-year Havana Club Rum. He knows he will never personally drink it, but he thinks it will make a fine gift for the executor of his will. The new tan makes sense considering what the fortune teller told him about his approaching death.

—-

Donald had ingested “the pill” on an easy Spring Sunday, the night after a moderately-successful date with Lauren at the concert of the indie-punk band “See-Saw.”

He’d bought the pill weeks before from 7/11, on a whim. It sat on his bedside table, and sometimes he looked at it as he fell asleep at night.

The morning he took it, the morning after his successful date, he was feeling lucky. The government lottery’s flip side, of course, was no secret. Eternal life ~ 1:1000. Instant death ~ 1:1000. Unaffected death ~ 100:1000. All other probabilities put you somewhere in the middle. But it told you when. 100 years. 100 days. 100 hours. That was the appeal. Citizens want to know.  And so they memorized the code on their pill, tattooed it on their belly, chanted it in their dreams, taught it to their babies and pet parrots and then, when the time was ripe, they swallowed the pill and then the expectant wait to Sunday: half time baby.

A grand winner from drawings past called the numbers. One week. Two weeks. Three years. Immortal. Jackpot, baby. Donald took the pill the night before the drawing.

It wasn’t so strange that, when Donald learned that the pill would painlessly dissolve the lining of his stomach in two weeks, he felt not sadness but curiosity, naturally, as to the context. He consulted the fortune teller to fill in the details. Booze and hammers, sidewalk slammers, the woman said. His death, he deduced, would involve such things, or maybe, rather, such things would involve his death. Donald wasn’t quite sure yet where he fit into those sorts of equations.

—–

About one week before his death, Donald begins to panic. He wakes up and sprints around his city block again and again with heaving and wailing sobs. When he tires, he returns home and sits in his comfy blue chair. He has a pennant on his wall for the Kalamazoo football team. It says “Go Hornets” and it has a drawing of a bee on it. The mug on his coffee table says “Sunset Crater Volcano National Monument.” His mother sent it to him on his 42nd birthday and sometimes he likes to put coffee or hot cocoa in it.

He is now 44.

Donald’s doorbell rings. Ding-dong. He expects that it is his next-door neighbor Joey, who often wishes to borrow Donald’s guitar. It is not Joey, but a short Asian man who Donald has never seen before. The man does not appear to desire to sell Donald subscriptions to lifestyle magazines, nor canvas him to donate for the local Boys and Girls club.

Donald says, “hello.”

The man says “Hi, my name is Sam and I’m just trying to make a few honest bucks. I noticed you have some weeds in your garden, and I thought I might take them out for you, for a modest fee. I’m just trying to make a few honest bucks.”

Donald has not noticed that his small garden has weeds, but he looks, and finds that Sam’s observations are astute. He tells Sam sure and thanks and closes the door and then his phone rings.

Donald picks it up and says, “hello.”

“Donald,” says his mother. “It’s been so long.”

—-

Donald Mayo wades through heavy car traffic to see his mother Mary-Sue, who lives in the Woodinger Retirement Home. She has a new lover she wants him to meet. Name is Charlie Jackson, and Donald is going to join them for crackers and honey.

Donald’s mother warned him: Charlie has edge. Might not be exactly what he expects. She said it on the phone. Seemed a little nervous, was light on the details.

He did a regional scan for Charlie Jackson, and it returned two options. One was a retired geriatric urologist. The other Charlie Jackson was a registered youth baseball coach. His team, the “Mariners,” won the regional championship two years straight.

Donald Mayo of course, has no time to waste. He twiddles his fingers on the dashboard.

Trucker’s balls hang from Donald’s truck. If you don’t know what trucker’s balls are, they are hanging metal balls that truckers hang from their rear-bumpers that are meant to resemble the scrotum and testicles of a human male. They dangle and quake with the bumps in the road. They entered the cultural lexicon in 2016, but in the intervening years between then and 2025, they took America by storm. According to the 2020 census, 72% of American car owners hung trucker’s balls from their car. Donald wishes that he were not partaking in this particular cultural fever, but alas, the truck’s previous owner rigged the balls with a strange one-way bolting apparatus that makes removal of the trucker’s balls unusually difficult.

“I got em on sale,” said Ronny, the young man who sold Donald the truck, in regards to the trucker’s balls.

One of these days, Donald intends to retire the balls, but he has been a busy man, especially since he learned more about his death.

Charlie, Donald learns, is the baseball coach. Donald also learns that Charlie is a black man, and Mary-Sue claims that he is a poet as well. He is passionate, he says, about the dialectical as a means of achieving philosophical grace. Charlie and Mary-Sue and Donald enjoy their crackers and honey on Mary-Sue’s porch. At some point, when dialectical grows sterile, Mary-Sue tells Donald that he ought to check out Charlie’s new story. Charlie looks at his toes and Donald says yes he would love to and Charlie pulls up the story on his phone and hands the phone to Donald. The story, which is called “The Southerner,” begins with this epigraph:

Cleanthes of Assos, son of Phanias. He was a boxer at first, according to Antisthenes in his Successions. He arrived in Athens with four drachmas, as some say, and meeting Zeno he began to philosophize most nobly and stayed with the same doctrines. He was famous for his love of hard work; since he was a poor man he undertook to work for wages. And by night he laboured at watering gardens, while be day he exercised himself in arguments…

-From the Letters of Cicero

          And then it begins like this:

“Ah, Cleanthes of Assos, son of Phanias, if we do meet again,” said Pardolthome the Strange, son of Daripinix, upon seeing Cleanthes in the street on the way to the market.

Cleanthes paid Pardolthome little mind, for he was off to a dialectical with Drolter. They were to debate whether indeed the atom fell through void, and if it was by intelligent design or by mindless chance. Cleanthes posited that it fell by chance, and his argument was handsome indeed.

But Pardolthome was not to be shaken off. “Have you seen the new zoo in town?” he called out, quite loudly.

Cleanthes, amidst the hustle of the Athenian noon, pretended to hear naught a thing. He twirled his head right, and then left and right again, so as to appear above it all, as he walked along.

Pardolthome called again:” The zoo! It’s in town, just down the way if you will join me.

Cleanthes did join Pardolthome to the zoo. He had indeed heard that it was in town, and his interest was piqued, despite the pretense of indifference he made for Pardolthome the Strange. His boy had actually told him that the men were Egyptian, and the women from southerner yet, and their skin was dark as ash. The zoo, his boy had told him, was not to be missed. “A spectacle by Zeus himself, the boy said. Indeed, thought Cleanthes of Assos, I must not miss it…

Entry was three drachmas per person. One extra for the beautiful boy. The zoo teemed with Athenians, men and their beautiful boys. The cage was in the center and the keeper described the properties of the Egyptians inside. He did not mention the Southerner seated alone on the floor of the far side of the cage.

Cleanthes of Assos yawned. The spectacle bored him. He had his dialectical to prepare for…

Cleanthes of Assos did not fancy Pardolthome the Strange and he accompanied him to engagements such as that of the visiting-zoo only when no one was available for dialectical. Pardolthome the Strange did not engage in dialectical. He said there was “no such thing as a dialectical.” Hearing this frequently, Cleanthes of Assos attempted numerous dialecticals to persuade Pardolthome the Strange to his side in regards to the dialectical.

The cage, in the center of a gravelly arena, contained three Egyptians, and then The Southerner, who sat across the stage from the Egyptians. The Egyptians were popular because they interacted with onlookers. They responded to stimuli, even appeared to murmur between one another. The Athenians discussed excitedly how the Egyptians reminded them of themselves, and wondered what was wrong with The Southerner.

Cleanthes of Assos stood among them, and he was telling his boy how it is silly to think that atoms fall through void because there is no such thing as void. He scoffed at the Epicureans. He said that even when he was a travelling boxer, fighting hard for one or two measly drachmas per fight, he could have concocted a more harmonious theory of the Universe than those imaginative fools.

A fight broke out between The Egyptians in the cage, and the Athenians and their beautiful boys were all startled. The shouting was unintelligible, but one could detect a latent frustration surfaced. It seemed as though the shorter Egyptian had said something passive-aggressive like, “the wash bucket is over by the Southerner, and look, the water is still warm,” and one of the dirtier Egyptians snapped. The zoo keeper had to enter the cage to intervene. He offered the starving Egyptians bread when they calmed down. The zoo keeper was red with embarrassment. Usually his exhibitions were better behaved then this. He offered a refund to dissatisfied patrons.

Cleanthes of Assos, son of Phanias commented to his beautiful boy that the Egyptians should have engaged in a dialectical. He also told this to the zoo keeper when he went to retrieve his drachmas. He suggested the zoo keeper let him attempt to instruct his Egyptians in the art of the dialectical, such that this sort of incident would never again repeat itself…”

Donald reads Charlie’s short story up to this point, and then he gets bored and stops. He tells Charlie he thinks it is pretty good. Charlie grunts thanks. Donald says goodbye to his mother for the last time and drives home.

Donald’s mood in the car is a low and even flame, a sort of flat encompassing boredom, as though he has spent the day in a classical art museum. It is not pressure exactly that he feels. The inevitability of his fate has preemptively deflated any notion of real stakes. But he is tired. That’s it.  There was a line in Steinbeck’s East of Eden that Donald once loved. Something about the drama and tragedy and ecstasy of the original life, how time takes dimension from these momentary stake-posts on which it is draped, or something to that effect. Feels hollow now, to Donald Mayo. Dimension of that sort has been illusory, he supposes.

He drives by a casino, and then five minutes later a billboard with a suicide hotline. He turns around back to the casino. It is called “Crazy-Bull Resort.” Donald Mayo has $12,358 in his savings account, and he puts it all on chips. Goes up in $5 blackjack, Goes down on a $1,200 roulette roll. Loses the whole lot on a daring gamble on the Kalamazoo basketball game. He watches it in the bar. Has a Jack and Coke and then another. Can’t walk straight. Wanders about and the people are ugly and unnaturally large. Some people look like lizards. One of them, whose hat is sideways, seated behind a slot, says to Donald, “cool it, bro.” Donald tells the man to “stand his bitch-ass up.” The man turns his hat 180 degrees so that it is sideways the other way, and then he obliges, stands ready to rumble. Donald kicks him in the nuts and turns and runs through the colors and the sonic web of clangs and booms and clicks and dongs and they are after him, and his chips are all gone and he darts left and the wounded man trails mere feet behind him and the young and green security guard in his fancy uniform catches sight of the action and the taser is out and Donald blasts through the glass doors and the atmosphere clears and the moon is high and the clouds are distant, far downwind to the East. A clearing to the West and even a star. A cool wind through the dimly-lit parking lot. Chills Donald at the cheeks. Turns them pink and red. A rumble and sharp voices swell at his back. No individual voice stands out.  He does not turn to face his adversaries. Donald Mayo prefers to to see the sky, the plane at cruising altitude overhead, the glow of the distant prison, the red lights on the highway, and he grasps with trembling hands at these distant things.

Postcard From Cuba: Goodbye Barack

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life Travel

Jan 16, 2017


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And the patriarch lost his first crop
to weeds, threw a rod in the tractor,
dug a basement and moved the trailer on
for extra bedrooms, cut the water lines
for a ditch, subdivided the farm
and sold the pigs for sausage. I told John
they were his, they were no longer mine,
I couldn’t be responsible.

The wire connecting our voices was silent
for a moment. “You stupid sonofabitch,” was all
he finally said. “You poor stupid bastard.”

David Lee, “The Farm”

***

It is the 2016th year of our lord and the curvy lady hails a ‘55 Chevy Belair Machina on Calle Neptuno. It rumbles and putts black soot. She has finished her day’s work at the ministry. She is the Socialist Man, a willful and content cog in the great machine. But does she feel deeply any injustice, committed anywhere? Does she see the forest and not the tree? Does she comprehend the evil in this world? Does she feel it may be vanquished? Does she understand her social duty? Does she know she must sacrifice? The woman is a silhouette in the twilight, she and the American car of the old world an afterglow of the dream.

And if in this dream we find corporeal Havana, the lived aesthetic, then in the ubiquitous Alberto Korda photograph of Che Guevara, ideological godfather to Cuban socialism, amigo to Fidel himself, we find the platonic and divine ideal. Che: the doctor and the executioner, the fighter and the sex machine, the hard-line commie and the vagabond, the banker and the poet, the man deemed by Jean Paul Sartre to be “not only an intellectual but also the most complete human being of our age.” Since his death, Che has come to exist in the heroic domain, but even in life he knew himself in historical terms. As he prepared to enter a doomed war against western-backed leaders in the Congo, he wrote:

I wish to say, at the risk of appearing ridiculous, that the true revolutionary is guided by strong feelings of love. It is impossible to think of an authentic revolutionary without this quality. This is perhaps one of the greatest dramas of a leader; he must combine an impassioned spirit with a cold mind and make painful decisions without flinching one muscle. Our vanguard revolutionaries must idealize their love of the people, for the most sacred causes, and make it one and indivisible. They cannot descend, with small doses of daily affection, to the places where ordinary men put their love into practice.

Che had a dream, and its realization was contingent on the education and basic re-forming of man itself. Morality would be its own incentive. Transcending the newly conscious individual, who would “readily pay his or her quota of sacrifice,” the socialist dream would live on. Transcending even the nation of Cuba, itself at the vanguard, whose fate might easily have rested in nuclear annihilation (a risk which both Che and Fidel, on its behalf, made clear they were willing to take) for its misdeeds against the corrosive and enslaving forces of imperialism, the moral “satisfaction of fulfilling a duty” would be enough.

***

I flew from Boston to Cuba, a journey made possible by the belated new policy of the Obama administration, in the wee morning hours after the American election. My Uber driver shook his head as Trump’s acceptance speech turned to static in the tunnel to Logan International. “I don’t even blame him,” he said. He kept repeating it. He was a large man, probably half black. His voice was deep. “I don’t even blame him. He ran a campaign on bigotry, and that’s what people wanted.”

And then, still in a daze and literally ill, I was teleported and all of the sudden – (oooweee) – Havana, where the balls on even the little doggies hang low, and uniformed high school couples cop feels on the park bench, and the manly men scrub their Vespas, and the children whack a bound-rag with a baseball bat, and the reggaetón rumbles, and the saggy-eyed women take it in from the stoop (and the edgy ones sip on three year Havana Club rum from old plastic water bottles), and churros are 5 pesos, no extra charge for the leche.

Some billboards in Havana say “Embargo: The longest genocide in history,” and they depict the island in a noose. Others say “health for all” on a sky-blue background and they render the flag into a heart. Near the Bay of Pigs, a lorry driver learns things like this is the furthest the mercenaries got, or this is where Fidel fired from the tank, or this is how many years into the revolution we are. In 2016 the number was 58.

Fidel once said that elections were not necessary because his ascendancy meant the people were in power. That was 1959, shortly after the revolution, and the people roared in approval in the Revolutionary Square. When he died in November, college students marched en masse to the same Revolutionary Square, chanting “I am Fidel, I am Fidel.” Even graffiti, typically reserved for political subversion, colored the city: “Yo Soy Fidel.” And, all the while, the first commercial flight from the US to Havana in half a century touched town at Jose Marti airport.

Cuba ranks 171st in the world on the Reporters Without Borders press freedom index (The United States ranks 41st). Monolithic state run media and repression of dissident bloggers and slow and expensive state internet are among the culprits. The woman I lived with in Central Havana told me that in her opinion, anyone who protests the government does so not out of genuine conviction, but out of greed for the kickbacks they surely receive from the Miami Cubans (whose dastardly nature was confirmed by reports of people dancing in the streets of Miami-day after Fidel’s death). She also said that literally every problem of the Cuban state was traceable to the U.S. embargo. It’s worth noting that Barack Obama told Jon Lee Anderson, who wrote an excellent biography of Che, that his Cuba policy is designed “not to take America out of the equation but to remove it as an excuse for Cuba feeling trapped in its past.”

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***

It’s inspiring to read about people like Che, who took the world by the horns, who were individually consequential, and knew it, too. They make you wanna stop fucking around. You learn about them and you go home feeling like you have some agency in the scheme.

And yet you also wonder about Che, vanguard revolutionary, with his historical self-consciousness, with his disdain for the moderate, with his fatalism and his epic eschatology of global political revolution – what was life like for him at the day-to-day level?

His beloved mother wrote to him after the Cuban revolution: “do my letters sound odd to you? I don’t know if we’ve lost the natural way of talking used to have, or whether we never did have it.” And the letter ends, “yes you’ll always be a foreigner. That seems to be your destiny forever.”

Che wanted to export the revolution to his home country of Argentina, and it was largely this ambition that brought him to Bolivia. Upon his capture by the Bolivian military, Che was said, perhaps apocryphally, to have told his executioner “I know you’ve come to kill me. Shoot, you are only going to kill a man.” He thought the revolution would continue. He thought the vision would be realized. It was bigger than him, and it did not need him any longer. He never did go home.

And now, as the United States inauguration approaches, and we feel not just as individuals but as a nation or even as a world that dark wind rising towards us from somewhere (perhaps not so deep) in our collective future, we grasp for visions. We listen to our departing president, who has always, as David Remnick puts it, taken “the long view,” who has said that “at the end of the day we’re part of a long-running story. We just try to get our paragraph right.” The message feels almost radical now, as he hands the job off to a depraved and cynical man who is pathologically convinced of his own personal greatness.

Barack Obama, reader and writer, student of the American tradition, says that the revolution has already occurred. He says that the groundwork is not in fact rotten but sound, and will remain thus so long as we keep our own cynicisms at bay. He tells us what feels woo-woo and trite in this cynical age, things we’ve heard before, that the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice if we try.

And what he tells us finally, is that he can and will descend proudly to the realm of the ordinary men, because this is where meaning has matter, and this is where revolution has substance, and this is where sacred causes have grounding because it’s the level at which life is lived, and here, as part of the motley society he has presided over for eight years, quietly working to get his paragraph right, he will put his love into a hopeful practice.

Get Your Pistol, White Man

Postcard from Standing Rock

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life Travel

Nov 15, 2016


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I rode shotgun across the American west with reformed heroin distributers fresh off the biweekly breakfast with young sons presently under foster care (“on track to get him back by Christmas!”); farmer couples jonesing to a back alley the next town over where a restaurant leaves its food scraps (“gotta go quick, fore’ that sonovabitch Roger gets to it”); asphalt pavers on a wind-turbine road project (“them miners out there, they fuck Indian girls and get all the overtime”); industrial-air-conditioner-maintenance-plan salesmen whose rifles ride shotgun, just in case a righteous buck appears on the route to their son’s university (“I swear I’m not a serial killer. Ha!!!! Ha!!!!!”… “I’ll take ya ten miles farther f’you spot me some antlers!”); forest firewomen with some weed and the totality of their personal possessions, rumbling the old van to a buddy’s show in yonder Bozeman, then a musician’s collaborative event a thousand miles further down the way, happily free of these punk ass, all-male 21-year-olds and their allegedly garbage music (“get that ‘fuck nigger bitch’ shit out of here”); bearded men who apologize at their scratchy labored attempts at speaking, but the good news is that as of two days ago the leukemia is officially in remission; pickup trucks of bulky American Indian men, bound to the largest gathering of indigenous peoples in a century, to join in solidarity and prayer.

Soon after the latter lift I was returning from the “front lines.” Walking back to the forward camp“Rosebud,” “sacred ground”and the mist, which had laid heavy and low before the rolling yellow North Dakota plains did battle with the midday sun. A native woman on a red four-wheeler caught up with me and offered a ride to the camp. I hopped on the back. Hard throttle. Engine roar. My dangling feet flailed with the g’s and I hurriedly tamed them. I was aware (and was pleased) that I was being seen with this woman. She conferred a certain legitimacy on my confused presence. I locked into a thoughtful pensive squint, channeling the macho reporter archetype.

We passed the former road block (the new one was farther up the road); hay bales and wood and tire detritus on either roadside. A couple of twenty-something Lakota boys guided their horses to the wired fence line, behind which the earth had been cleared and flattened and repurposed in preparation for the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would link crude from the Bakken Oil fields to the broader oil pipe network in Illinois to be refined. White pickup trucks, private security for Energy Transfer Partners, the company behind the pipeline, formed a line atop the distant hill. Two orange dune buggies spied from closer still. A native man borrowed my telephoto lens for a closer look. The boys on the horses yelled out to them: “Hey motherfuckers, we’re gonna die for your kids.”


That morning, just before the arrival of the ubiquitous Jesse Jackson, tribal leaders met with authorities on North Dakota State Route Highway 1806, just north of the frontline, where protestors had set up a roadblock.

Some reporters were permitted to observe the exchange. I had sheepishly offered “Mangoprism” to obtain my media credential. LA Times. Mother Jones. Mangoprism. Dream Team.

Two police officers filmed the meeting. Two black Iraq war surplus IED resistant M-Raps loomed through the fog.

Cass County sheriff Paul Laney of Fargo was clear and firm: he wanted the roadblock cleared and the private land vacated.

“We don’t want this,” he said. “We don’t want confrontation. I think it’s awesome that you guys are taking a stand in what you believe in. You can do it in the court of public opinion. You can do it in in the media.”

“We’ll lose all those places,” said the elder.

“You don’t know that. You don’t know that.”

“We’ve lost this land to your government.”

Morton County Sheriff Kyle Kirchmeier, who some likened to a “modern-day Bull Connor” stood relatively silent through the majority of the exchange. Protestors had taken umbrage with his characterizations in the press of the mostly peaceful demonstrations as “riots” (in fact protest leadership, however disorganized, by most accounts worked studiously to maintain the peace).

Kirchmeier’s remarks rendered him illegitimate in the eyes of the protestors, and so Sheriff Laney of Fargo headed the talks. He frequently invoked his oath to “uphold the laws of the state of North Dakota.” He detailed the manner of ways in which he respected the culture and familial ties of the Natives. He vehemently denied any personal connection to the oil companies (“no one owns me!”).

The sheriff misunderstood one elder’s point that the pipeline was rerouted to its present and problematic path only after the people of Bismarck revolted against the original proposal, which had the pipeline upstream from their water supply. Laney, who perhaps thought the elder was referencing one of the heinous government treaty violations of the past (as opposed to the heinous environmental racism of the present) cut him off: “I’m sorry, I wasn’t alive back then.”

The elder said, “We’ve gotten to the point where we’ve been pushed up again the wall.”

“So is this about water and oil, or is this about 140 years?”

“This is about everything. All of it. We’ve had enough. We’ve, had, enough.”


Back on the four-wheeler. Rosebud approached. Drums and chants. The refrain: this is not protest but prayer. They lined the road. They watched the pickup trucks on the crest of the hill. They watched the circling helicopter. A white man tracked the chopper with his middle finger. A native woman stomped back and forth soft and slow, eyes closed, chanting a song. A fire crackled by the entrance to camp, tended by a few white dread locked security guys. Older white couples worked their stoves. Teepees sprung up amongst the tents and vans (a Lakota reporter I came up with told me that when she leaves the reservation, people always ask “do you guys really live in teepees?” She flashed a smile: “And now I can say ‘yes,’ because we actually do!”).

I told the woman driving the four-wheeler that here was good. No response. I told her again more loudly. Did she just accelerate? We passed the camp. Another mile to the main camp. Open country between. I told her to stop; she cut me off: “who are you?” The wind muffed. The motor rumbled.

“Andrew.” She drove on.

“Why are you here?”

“To see what was happen-“

“Why are you making trouble?”

“What?” We drove faster still. A turn nearly threw me from the vehicle. I tightened my grip.

“Why are you making trouble?”

My stomach grew queasy. The plains rolled on for miles into the west.

You heard some casual apocalyptic battle rhetoric around the encampments (last stand, front lines, oh man some of these women ready to die, get every able-bodied man you can to help dig out the Penske truck, no surrender, no retreat). I’d probed, not a little skeptically, for inauthenticity, for make-believe in these voices. Hard to know. Maybe not mine to question.

She said she said she was told I intimidated people in the camp. She said she was told I wore a mask.

I laughed. Exhale. We cruised to a stop and she turned to see me. Probably in her forties. A gentle smile. I told her who I am. She said there was a troublemaker reported that matched my description. Her manner softened. She took my hand. She gave me her name. I pointed out that there were a number of skinny tallish white boys about. She laughed, told me to be safe, and turned around, and returned me to the forward camp.


Marisol de La Cadena, a UC Davis anthropologist, has written of a rising tide of indigenous politics in which the rights of “earth-beings,” mountains, rivers, “Pachamama,” are invoked at levels so mainstream as the Ecuadorian constitution (much, she notes, to the chagrin of even relatively progressive leaders like Ecuadorian president Rafael Correa, who deemed “infantile” the coalition that spawned such language). The implications of this trend conflict irreconcilably with a political hegemony that makes an ontological distinction between human and nature, with an extractivist global economy that the environmental reporter Naomi Klein describes as “the opposite of stewardship… The reduction of life into objects for the use of others, giving them no integrity or value of their ownturning living, complex ecosystems into ‘natural resources,’…. The reduction of human beings into labor to be brutally extracted… or, alternatively, into social burdens, problems to be locked away in prisons, or reservations.”

Enter North Dakota shale oil boom, brought to you by unconventional, highly unstable and little-understood new horizontal drilling practices like Hydraulic Fracturing, undertaken at ludicrous speed at a mass scale by a multibillion dollar industry with an enormous lobbying infrastructure and a well-documented history of corruption and intimidation-tactics, all in a small government red-state with, reads a 2014 New York Times report, a “slender regulatory system built on neighborly trust, verbal warnings and second chances.”

Enter a truly despicable history of land-grabs and forced assimilation by the ever-encroaching American Government, all in a Dakota region once signed almost in its entirety over to local tribes. The Sioux Nation. Its borders eroded and eroded and eroded again as new technology or amoral greed located new justification to penetrate and extract.

And so enter the Sioux Nation, and its vestige, Standing Rock, the land of rolling plains and buffalo. The land of Little Big Horn and Wounded Knee. Of  flooding, courtesy of the United States Army Corps of Engineers, of compulsory boarding school attendance, courtesy of the United States Department of the Interior. They say their blood connects them to the land. It connects them to past. It connects them to future. They cannot leave.


I left Standing Rock in the van of a recent graduate of the University of Minneapolis, who characterized his time at the protests as perhaps the most meaningful week of his life. Anachronistically good vibes, a culture of sharing and neighborly love, of gentle spirituality and prayer. He helped build a teepee. He made new friends. He had some groovy stuff to say about nonlinear dynamics, a broad frontier-field of mathematics in which cause and effect break down – the local humid thunderstorms of the distant future would be precisely computationally foreseeable (in the Newtonian mode) but for the weird and little-understood characteristic of non-linearity between the variables of causation (dig it).

I was reminded of the two-row wampum belt on display at the National American Indian Museum in Washington D.C. It was as a treaty gift, beaded in white, streaked across by parallel blue lines, representing the spirit of the agreements, meaning “we are traveling on the river of life together, side by side. One side isn’t going to get ahead of the other; people in the ship aren’t going to try to steer the canoe; people on the canoe aren’t going to try to steer the ship.”

I was also reminded of the dark Lakota man who stood a distance from the forward camp. The auctioneer speaks in the spirit of the auction; this Lakota spoke in the spirit of the plains. The wind shook the yellow grass at our feet.

He told me his name. I told him mine. He began his story, but then something caught his attention. His eyes brightened and a smile bloomed like the sun bursting forth beyond the lining of the passing cloud, and he gazed out to the ridge at my back, and said some words long, slow, in his native tongue.

I turned to look. On the ridge beyond the teepees in the foreground were four brown silhouettes. They were still. “The buffalo,” said the man, translating. “They have come to see.”


The day after I left Standing Rock, a phalanx of police officers, sourced from a coalition of regional departments, cleared the forward camp, one person at a time. Of those who refused to leave willfully, over one hundred were taken into custody for all manner of alleged offenses from trespassing to, in one case, attempted murder. Remarkably there were no reported major injuries.

It was the expected outcome of the failed talks on the highway the previous day. And in truth, there was nothing to be said. The sheriff has no jurisdiction in matters of philosophy. If they weren’t to go there, they were to be no more than actors, playing a part.

And so the blockade would continue until unspeaking force alone broke it. And so my plans were dashed. I’d intended to go to Bismarck that morning to continue my journey, but there were to be no rides on northbound State Route Highway 1806. I had to reroute.

After the parties shook hands, ending the meeting, (“Good afternoon, gentlemen”) one of the elders told sheriff Laney, “You guys have the force,” to which Sheriff Laney nodded and responded matter-of-factly: “we do.” Then the elder said to the Sheriff, “But we hold the moral high ground.”

The mist remained heavy. Earthmovers hummed unseen beyond the hill. Sheriff Laney put his hands on his hips. “I don’t know that you do. I don’t know that you do.” ▩


I Am The Worst Collegiate Golfer in America

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life Sports

Dec 30, 2015


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I am the worst collegiate golfer in America.

Woe and naught, this rank I here posit with neither pride nor melancholy nor mirth; rather these are social coordinates on which to ruminate in a dreadful isolation, on which to lie oneself prone, ebb into the continuum, that perhaps a sort of panoptic clarity may yet emerge.

My mind is taken to Green Lake pitch and putt, where in innocence I romped, and then to Jefferson pitch and putt, where I have never once paid for a round. Jefferson is a lazy summer afternoon, with a Rainier tall can and a joint tucked away in the golf bag. My friend Evan emerges from his soccer-mom Honda Element in his polo shirt and reflective Aviators. His swing is tight and serious. Calvin borrows my clubs and swings in a long swooping vertical pendulum. Patrick just athletically smacks it and somehow the ball flies true. The fairways are red and hard as rock. We don’t keep score, but the eighth hole is the fry hole. The loser buys fries in the clubhouse, and we eat amongst the jolly old black men with their cigars and their plaid, who are shooting the shit, collecting on bets. Word is that Bill Russell occasionally rolls through. We sit in the corner and discuss the next move.

I join the Garfield High School golf team senior year. Tavish and I are co-captains, and our enduring accomplishment (I’m not actually sure if it literally endures) is presiding over the advent of the Hawaiian shirt uniform, which both has a collar (as per golf course dress regulations), and illustrates a spirit of cultural enterprise which distinguishes us city-folk from the vapid Eastside legions against whom we play.

The team practices at Jefferson, occasionally gets nine holes in on the full size course there. Our only good player isn’t actually a Garfield student; he attends a private school in the north end which does not have a team, and through some obscure districting rule he is placed on ours. He is no fan of the Hawaiian shirt thing because, he claims, the shirts are tight around his shoulders and inhibit his swing. Tavish and I do not budge on the matter, and somehow he obtains a stretchy and pink golf shirt with a Hawaiian floral pattern. After a brief quorum, Tavish and I grant our approval.

—–

At three in the afternoon at Central Oregon’s Eagle Crest Resort, youth play free. Thin penetrating heat and minty pine and domesticated deer along the Deschutes, and Mt. Jefferson in the distant sky, and crisp fairways manicured into the dusty bosom of the high desert. Here, my cousins and I learn to play.

On one occasion, I claim to have scored a six. My brother, who has been secretly keeping meticulous tally, calls bullshit. He precisely recounts to me my every shot, noting that, while in the tallgrass, I twice jabbed at the ball without moving it. I call my brother an asshole. Not two holes previous he took consecutive mulligans after jonesing one ball off a condominium rooftop and shanking the other into the water on the left. On the short par-four seventeenth, my brother will top a ball through the rough, just short of the women’s tee, which means that, in acc­­ordance with family rules, he must complete the remainder of the hole with his pants at his ankles. He refuses, and his penalty is that he has to walk home after the round. As we return to our condominium by car, I look back and emit a smug triumphant grin. His silhouette, lanky and hunched, shuffles under the weight of his clubs down the ridge.

—–

The invitation to join the Div. III Whitman College golf team stemmed from a freshman year conversation with golf team friend Will, in which I expressed my wish to be a better golfer so that I too could play on the golf team. The team was tired of having only four members (the best four scores count, but you can submit more, so there is a buffer from a particularly bad day); I was reticent, but a kindly phone call from the coach sealed the deal, against my parents’ advice that it would be stupid and a waste of time and prepare me only for the good ol’ boys club and aren’t I actually kind of bad and don’t I have better things to do with my time anyways? No, I replied.

I filled out the NCAA paperwork pledging to avoid steroids, and so assumed my place among a long and dignified line of Garfield High School student-athletes — Tony Wroten, Isaiah Stanback, Brandon Roy – who have represented The Town at the NCAA level. This fall, I would take my talents to Walla Walla.

—–

The first tee in a golf tournament is occasion for much pomp and fanfare. They announce your name – from Whitman College… Andrew Schwartz! – and the tepid claps of your supporters pepper the hollow air, and you are alone on the tee box, and you take stride behind your ball with a firm clasp on your driver, the most masculine of athletic appendages. The claps fade into the wind, and the polite silence is suffocating. The men with whom you’ll play have effortlessly, casually, smacked perfect rising drives. And now it is you, and you walk up to your ball, sweat the technique on a practice swing (to show your competitors you mean business), pull the club back – arm, torso, and… you forget to leave the rest to gravity, you throw your flailing limbs at the ball in fear (don’t slice it don’t slice it) of slicing the shit out of the ball as you always do, and as it happens this time you don’t; what happens is you pull the ball in a low liner forty-five degrees to your left, off a tree, and your mind tenses in frozen horror before the ball softly touches down on the adjacent fairway. You look back and flash a cool what-was-that-all-about smile at your supporters, who have each taken acute visual interest in their own respective tree, shoe, watch, etc.

And then, in a compensating weird, unnatural, vaguely creepy swagger, you trundle over to and swoop up your bag and head off down the fairway (of your present hole) with your playing partners, chatting it up, exchanging pleasantries – what grade are you in – as if you are all equals, as if they hadn’t just smoked three hundred yard dimes down the middle of the fairway, and you hadn’t just pulled a knuckle-balling liner off a tree. Then, at the last moment, you nonchalantly veer off towards the fairway (of the hole on which your ball currently sits) where you will intend and fail to reclaim your dignity.

I go into every round fully expecting to shoot the best round of my life, which is either an aggressive benign (though seemingly ineffective) form of visualization, or the product of a deranged mind. Coach McClure here certainly fans the flame. With few exceptions, I consistently had the worst score in every tournament this fall season of collegiate golf. Coach, who is a deeply un-cynical man, believes in my potential far more than I do. I shoot a nine on a hole that my competitors all birdied, and he comes up to me before I tee-off and tells me that “each swing you take is part of the path to a better you,” or something to that effect, and I silently smile and nod and say something about what a lovely course this is, unsure how to respond to such earnest and kind words, so incongruous with the reality I am experiencing.

Before the last tournament of the year, the Fall Classic in Sun River, Oregon, I told some friends that my goal was to not come in last place. One friend encouraged me to aim higher, perhaps go for third to last.  I decided to wear my Sony Dynamic Stereo Headphones during warm up, which made me feel like I was the subject of one of those pre-event television shots of Richard Sherman or Michael Phelps or something, bobbing to a beat that no one else can hear, my beat, my swagger, my moment focused inward, a leaf on the wind.

I laced my final warm-up drive down the range and Aquemini cast psychedelic vibrations. I whispered along with Big Boi – “I’m talking gifts, but when it come you never look the horse inside his grill.” I removed my headphones, and walked to the tee, and the wind was strong, and the trees swayed wild. I stood behind the ball for a moment, breathless, and then I closed my eyes and swung.

—–

I completed the round by topping a short wedge-shot directly into the water two yards in front of me, in full view of the spectators and my resolutely supportive teammates, who had congregated around this final hole to see the dramatic finish. I shot a 118, which is what a child shoots. They recorded it as a 122 on the big board for all to see next to my misspelled name – “Andrew Scwartz” – but truly it was a 118.

The next day, I played with a man who kept angrily referring to himself as “a faggot.” Like he would hit a mediocre but honestly probably okay shot, and yell out something like “you fucking faggot” (again, to himself) and bang his club on the ground. He misread a putt and proclaimed that “that slope is so stupid,” and “this green is so gay” and then picked his ball out of the hole and threw it into the lake. He made six on that hole and I, through a series of misfortunes, shot a twelve. I finished with a 116 on this day. “An improvement!” said Coach McClure.

Coach McClure tells me that golf is a noble sport. Your score is your score, and respect for the game, its institutions, its history, its beauty, is all that keeps you honest. The game is manipulative­; the devil of it wants you to cheat, or get angry, or try and punch the ball through a dense thicket when you know you would only make that shot ten percent of the time, but the good one’s don’t let it get to them.

I think my odd mix of misplaced, borderline delusional confidence (this round I’ll break ninety), and blithe compensatory mocking nihilism as to the tenets of the game of golf is getting to me. Of course, it is worthy of mockery: back-slapping corporate bromides fertilize tee-boxes the world round; Yemeni children are thirsty and the Walla Walla Country Club is greener than your mama’s guacamole.

But there ain’t nothing like the moment of contact on a fine golf swing on a fine summer morning when the crack echoes fast and the ball flits mute and the dew sprays soft, and perhaps no one understands this more than those jolly old black men who sit around the Jefferson clubhouse, who slap backs the authentic way, who, after a long day on the links sit back, slide on their sunglasses, take pulls of their cigars, and jabber with courtly grace as the setting sun casts pale orange beams upon their present domain.

There Was a Great Big Moose

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Travel

Apr 26, 2015


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“Great Lake inheritor, fit me for the crown. Hoes used to spin me, now look how they turn around.”

“Used to slang for weeks without Degree under my underarm.”

-Danny Brown

Over spring some break some Whitman students and I shipped off to Detroit for a service trip based around “urban renewal.” The story of Detroit is easy to romanticize; a great American city of a bygone age fallen to globalization and greed, subterranean currents of race risen to the surface, exodus, remnants of the past utterly devoid of vitality, like a forest of charred trees, and the apparent potential of this vacuous and fertile world in which the institutions of the past no longer hold sway. Speramus Meliora; Resurget Cineribus is the city’s motto: “We Hope For Better Things; It Shall Rise From the Ashes.” And in the spirit of the liberal arts we would challenge the dominant narrative, show our solidarity with the good people of Detroit that the energy and spirit of yesteryear might begin to cycle back, but with the accompanying baggage removed, with a vigor renewed.

I didn’t tell people at home what I would be doing. I remember over winter break I told some Seattle high school friends (a cynical bunch) that I would be going on a “service trip” to Detroit, and I was literally scoffed at. The pious self-righteousness of those former voluntourists who were set right by the grace of the Gods for whom they had once evangelized, who confessed onto the internet the sins of their paternalistic and privileged ways, has made people leery.

I listened to Eminem in preparation for the trip. We arrived in the midst of thaw; sub-zero temperatures of the week previous had warmed to a pleasant fifty-five and the sides of the highway were patched with brown slush. We rented two mini vans at the airport and I navigated the lead van from shotgun. The distant skyline appeared for a second and then went away. I put on the pop-of-the-fifties radio station – Johnny Hartman felt right – and looked out at the billboards flashing by. One, for a church, said “No perfect people welcome.” We drove by a few advertising a new flashy MGM casino downtown; even more frequent were personal injury law firm ads with some white square-jawed suit grinning and pointing at you. “We turn crash into cash!”

My favorite building we saw was the old Michigan Central train station, c. 1913, once the tallest in the world, which towers over the city in shattered and post-apocalyptic grandeur. It is currently owned by Manny Maroun, who also owns the very profitable and infamous Ambassador toll Bridge connecting Detroit to Canada, and who an employee for a non-profit we would later work for described as a “slumlord” and a “dick,” the veracity of which statement is easily confirmable by Google search.

Michigan Central Station
Michigan Central Station in happier days.

As for the blighted houses, it is a story well told: seventy thousand of them scattered throughout the city, abandoned ten, thirty, fifty something years back, stripped for scrap, flooded basements exposed by arson, the grass of the adjacent vacant lots browned into dreary dead sterility by the recent snowfall, the asbestos in the insulation slowly seeping into the lungs of the unfortunate squatters who it has been written would live within.

The City of Detroit recently declared bankruptcy and owes something like fifty thousand dollars in debt per resident. Not much money is available to tear these houses down. Enter Blight Busters, which like so many non-profits exists in that kooky grey area between public and private, inhabiting the concrete space opened up by theoretical debates on the role of government in America.

Blight Busters is well-known around town and beyond. The women at the first non-profit we visited told us — with perhaps a hint of spite — that you can be sure any documentary which hits the city will feature them. What Blight Busters does, naturally, is bust blight, tear down the old, make space for the new.

Our task: to spread mulch on a half acre-ish lot they had just cleared. Jamie and D were our leaders. “Where are y’all from?” D asked on the walk over. I said we were from Washington. “Oh, so y’all are like, preppy?” I looked myself over in the reflection of a passing car window. I was wearing my grandpa’s old brown shoes and a very sensible grey sweatshirt. I guess in theory my roots are vaguely WASP-y, and I do on occasion let my inner metrosexual free in a seasonal trip to the Seattle H&M, where I’ll indulge in a sky blue V-neck or two and imagine for a moment that I have the fashionable earnestness of the models on the wall, but generally I stick to the Coogi t-shirts at Value Village.

The previous day we had picked up litter: condom wrappers, seat belts, brisk iced tea bottles, swisher packaging of every flavor imaginable; to a more cogitative soul the colorful and diverse petroleum-based array would have served a clarion symbol of the banal excess of our capitalist society. Mostly I just felt uncomfortable, acutely self-aware, like I was watching myself in the third person. On a certain level, picking up litter is an objective good thing. Everyone is down with picking up litter. Later in the day when, plastic garbage bags in hand, me and the rest of the Whitman squad were combing the dreary meridian of East Outer Drive, among the many passing commuters honking in support was a middle aged black dude who made eye contact with me, stuck up his fist, and then bobbed his head up and down in approval. “I feel super bad ass,” I immediately wrote in my notes.

The crew at work on East Outer Road.
The crew at work near East Outer Drive.

But, the occasional spirit rousing show of swaggtastic support notwithstanding, the occasional honk did little to assuage the unease that comes with such visible and cliché do-gooding. Tacked to a tree on the meridian was a white t-shirt with a guy’s picture on it and the brief span of years his life comprised. Old candles laid about and we wondered whether we should pick them up. Every time I bent down to pick up a Burger King cup, I imagined with horror the satisfaction that each passing driver must have thought, that I, this skinny white boy from out of town, must have been deriving from what he (I) must have considered these pure acts of altruism. It was the same sensation of sheepishness as when, because for some God forsaken reason Whole Foods is the only real grocery store within miles of the church we were staying at (food deserts yo), we returned and shuffled in to the kitchen with our organic-ass produce and a dude chillin before the service observed with twangy interest to another dude that “they went to Whole Foods.” He said it with this unnerving curiosity, like we were an alien species or something.

And who could blame him? This Whole Foods, which has been ballin’ out since it opened by the way (it turns out people like it when they can feed their families from a place that isn’t the dollar store) felt absurdly out of place. Among the various healthy living magazines displayed in the checkout line was the March/April issue of Vegan Health & Fitness, whose cover featured none other than sexy Vegan punk rocker Davey Havok seated upright wearing a suit in an empty bathtub. With his left hand he fondles his ankle; with his right, he holds up a green apple in much the same way a young debonair at a cocktail party might, palm upwards, wrap his fingers underneath the bowl of a glass of merlot. “DAVEY HAVOK: YOUR FAV SEX/FIT CELEB LIVING CLEAN.” Our credit card was rejected on account of us being in Detroit and we were given the time to delve deeper. “I’m just inclined, whenever given the opportunity, to help make people aware,” said Havok in a featured quote.

So it was refreshing to be in a quieter section of the city the next day, spreading mulch with D and Jamie and the rest of the Blight Buster crew. Jamie, who was named by Buzzfeed as one of Detroit’s top-ten black leaders – an accomplishment he noted at least three times – was in charge. He and I discussed our dream houses. He focused on the man cave. It would be underground and feature a fish tank jacuzzi with a secret passageway up to a treehouse. His bedroom would have a bathroom on each side – one for him and one for his woman – and a massive wide window through which he could oversee his domain. I suggested that it would be funny if he made it his thing to press himself up against it motionless and naked for long periods of time to intimidate the neighbors. Jamie thought that was weird. He went on to describe the state-of-the-art security system he would implement. “You gotta be careful about the bathrooms,” he said, noting that bathrooms, since they are unlikely to fall under camera surveillance, are a common entry point for intruders. He also would have dogs at the ready so that he could say, “Release the hounds!” like Mr. Burns. I asked him where this house would be located and he said if he had money he’d get out of here, go to the burbs.

With D, who was nineteen – around my age – our conversation was largely characterized by the chip on my shoulder carved out by his ‘preppy’ comment. I began by exaggerating my interest in Danny Brown, a product of Detroit who I do legitimately think is great, but whom I listen to only because my generally mediocre music taste is buoyed on the coattails of my more musically engaged and refined friends. I figured a Danny Brown mention would serve duel purposes: it would illustrate that I wasn’t just some prissy white boy who only listened to “Head and the Heart,” and it would also bridge some enthusiastic common cultural ground between D and I. “Who is Danny Brown?” he asked.

I asked him how the fuck, as a hip-hop fan who lives in Detroit, he’s never heard of Danny Brown, and he responded that if he hadn’t heard of Danny Brown, it had to be because Danny Brown did not sufficiently rep Detroit. D said he was all about Team Eastside. They rep Detroit. I said that was stupid. D hollered to Jamie, who had heard vaguely of Danny Brown but didn’t have thoughts on him, and a pudgy fifteen-year-old employee named Justin, who was unfamiliar. Connor, who was part of the Whitman squad and Danny Brown fanboy numero uno, was even more flabbergasted than I was. I showed D and Justin a picture of Danny Brown, who is a pretty goofy lookin’ dude, and they broke out laughing. “That nigga’s gay,” said D.

I also mentioned the new Kendrick, which I had listened to the previous night before bed. D dismissed Kendrick because he had released a diss track or something a while back that D thought was out of line. I’d thought “To Pimp a Butterfly” was pretty great. The album brought to the surface this perverse thought I have sometimes, where I’ll wonder at what it means to come out of a place of disadvantage – be it the result of systemic oppression, poverty, tragedy, what have you – and a glint of irrational envy will flash at the built-in narrative authenticity the situation outwardly seems to provide. People are down with ‘started from the bottom now we here’ type shit; credibility is lent to action; legitimacy to voice; it makes people like me, of the insipid surface-level tale, uncomfortable, and its why statistically most rich people consider themselves middle class, every shitty campaign autobiography peddles a personal narrative of humble beginnings, and why even I get a pathetic satisfaction out of telling my well-heeled Whitman College peers that I went to a public school. It’s an American preoccupation, and what Kendrick does is – in the funkiest way imaginable – synthesize down and find meaning in his own narrative’s confusing tensions and contradictions. You can’t be high up there, whether by birth or luck or cut-throat-skullduggery or hard work, without some tricky questions being raised, and Kendrick grapples with them with some real insight and style.

The one thing about the album is it’s not very subtle. It goes for the whole pie of race in America in the same way and spirit that East of Eden is literally trying to provide the meaning of life, and it turns out it’s hard to capture the essence of such things without being a little heavy handed because in going that big you cross the point where it all becomes ineffable, and so the artist will almost by definition be committing the sin of telling rather than showing.

Which is why some of my favorite songs on the album are the low-key ones (though Blacker the Berry is also dope). I gave D my phone and headphones and put on “You Ain’t Gotta Lie,” which will be my personal anthem to chillin and just doin your thang for many summers to come. He dug it.

[spotify id=”spotify:track:7A3ETuOrieyx9KSF0sn0Zf” width=”300″ height=”80″ /]
D told me that I was in the hood. “You’ve never been to the hood before,” he told me. “The hood’s alright.” He pointed across the street to a government agency office whose roof was decked out with barbed wiring and cameras. A six-figure installment according to D, intended to stop scrappers once and for all from stealing the AC units – each worth about fifty dollars in metal – from the roof. We shot the shit here and there – on Russell Wilson’s intercepted pass in the Super Bowl, D recalled that he “threw his blunt in the air” in excitement; on the bodacious woman sauntering by in colorful leggings on the sidewalk, D whispered that usually round here guys never let their girls out the house lookin’ that good.

This went on for a while and we continued to spread mulch, and then he paused, considered what he was about to say, and asked me: “What are you about?” I stopped raking and looked up. I mumbled about my major and good music and straight-chillin and sports, but I took the question very seriously.

Gordon, who was a military veteran in catastrophe response partnering with Blight Busters in the idea that Detroit was an ongoing disaster zone and thus ideal for training for storms and the like, had showed us a video made by another volunteer group which had previously come in. It was set to a Christian rock song and was just generally super lame. D had overseen and worked with many such groups in his tenure with Blight Busters, and told me himself that, lacking the means to travel and see other parts of the country, it is through the visiting volunteers that he gets to know the world around him, develops a sense of what people from various regions and backgrounds really are all about. The reputation of my hometown, at least as D knew it, was in our hands. A heavy burden indeed, I thought to myself at the time.

*****

The author on the shores of the Detroit River.
The author on the shores of the Detroit River.

Oakland County is an affluent suburb that begins on the other side of Eight Mile Road. Its commissioner is named L. Brooks Patterson. L. Brooks Patterson has joked that “what we’re gonna do is turn Detroit into an Indian reservation, where we herd all the Indians into the city, build a fence around it, and then throw in the blankets and corn.”

I was reminded of L. Brooks Patterson when a woman from CASS, the group-consensus-favorite non-profit, told us a story. A homeless man was discharged from a Medicaid funded hospital in sub-zero weather without a hat or a jacket. Usually hospitals have a person to make sure that kind of shit doesn’t happen. Like any hospital you or me would go to would absolutely make sure that we had somewhere to go, maybe find us a hat, at the very least call a cop or something for transport to a shelter. But this hospital didn’t do that because it just can’t afford monetarily to look out for people like that. So the guy walks around in this absolutely freezing weather with this vague notion of the existence of a shelter in some vague part of this city, which remember is the geographic size of Manhattan and Chicago and San Francisco all put together. He just keeps walking. He doesn’t stop to sleep because he’ll freeze to death because again he is wearing a t-shirt and so he goes through the night and just keeps walking. He walks like this for four days and eventually walks into this CASS warming shelter utterly delirious, and his hands, which we were shown a picture of, are literally black and purple. Fin. End of story.

The reason that story reminded me of L. Brooks Patterson is because, despite the guy’s sharp wit and homey charm and his apparent knack for running an economically booming homogenous and well-educated suburb, the guy has no compassion. L. Brooks Patterson doesn’t give a shit about this homeless guy in Detroit.

Now Mr. Willy, the cook for CASS, a man twice homeless himself, the youngest in a family of twelve, with a spirit that engulfs and lifts you like a hug from the Michelin Man, who sings lyrically personalized songs for each volunteer group to the tune of that one “There Was a Great Big Moose” campfire song, he gives a shit; or Gordon, the Blight Busters military vet guy, with his cooking-oil-fueled disaster response bus he modified; with his bad-ass stories of defying turret mounted soldiers with moronic orders in the first days of the hurricane Katrina disaster, with his groovy long gray hair and his kind of irritating but also endearingly naïve social media obsession, he gives a shit.

The thing about giving a shit is that it can only be shown. It is a commitment to basic propositions of human equality; it is in no way passive; it is an accountability to your own good-fortune; it has nothing to do with the spectrum of cynicism and idealism and everything to do with compassion, a faith that everyone at some level does their best, that everyone is at once a product of the world and an active producer unto that world, and a belief that that fundamental circularity is malleable by the connections we make, by the individual agency we take.

Whether or not I personally meet that criterion I’m not sure. I was mostly concerned with having a chill time and meeting cool people and making D think the Pacific Northwest had stank. Which he apparently decided it did. I was absolutely overjoyed when Connor reported that D, as we were about to leave, told him that “You guys are soo chill.”

I suspect it was the Danny Brown song that won him over. When Connor played him “Let’s Go,” he bobbed his head and admitted it was hot. He insured us that he would ask his mom if she was familiar and, satisfied, we said we would check out Team Eastside (my personal favorite song is “Getting Paper/Sippin Lean with Thugs”). At this point the day was nearing its end and we were picking up the soggy garbage that had built up under the snow around Blight Busters’ property. But still D had his digs to get in: “This was general stuff,” he said. Danny Brown wasn’t keeping it fully real. We rolled our eyes, It was tongue-in-cheek posturing; he knew it would annoy us and he clearly got a kick out of saying it. Besides, he added, couldn’t anyone rap about “drivin down ninety-fo’ with nowhere to go?”

[spotify id=”spotify:track:5YPMcT7Je01NAqFd3LMlQL” width=”300″ height=”80″ /]
Jamie wandered to the far end of the lot, by an abandoned garage, and summoned us to come look inside. A newish silver hatchback with a rear wheel missing rested at an angle where the wheel should have been. Screws and other bits of the axle machinery were littered about. It looked like a car a mom would drive her kids to soccer in. “Probably stolen from midtown,” Jamie guessed. He called a police contact of his to come check it out. We all went to pose for pictures, such that our accomplishments might be disseminated out to the masses, and, instead of “cheese,” Jamie instructed us to say “Eff Blight!” in unison. We bade our farewells and hopped in our vans. We passed a grocery store under construction. My pop-of-the-fifties radio proposition was vetoed, and so I stewed in the back for the remainder of the drive back to the church where we were staying. It was a quick ride. Detroit may be huge, but you can get around fast; the infrastructure of the Motor City was built in accordance with its nickname. Highways web the city – on stilts you glide above the action – one minute, its boarded up houses with roofs caved in; next it’s the massive cement skeletons of the factories where the former residents of those houses once worked. Occasionally the General Motors sign atop the downtown skyline pops into view, and maybe you’ll pass a street lined with well-kept brick walk-up apartments – the kind I associate with Brooklyn – and a pleasant brownish-green meridian. Even in the evening light, it all moves fast. These days, there isn’t much rush hour traffic to worry about.

NBA All-Sexy Squad 2014-15

by


Season Categories Published
MP00 Sports

Nov 20, 2014


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As a generic white dude sports fan, I’m genetically obligated to get excited about the end of summer. The NFL season begins, college football kicks off, and high school football finally gets under way. My favorite sports blogs begin in-season coverage of football and fantasy football starts to really heat up. And blah blah blah stuff happens with baseball and hockey.

But as great as these past few months have been for anyone who enjoys yelling at supreme athletes, nothing puts some pep in my step like the start of the NBA. Let’s face it, as great as football, baseball, and hockey are, they’re not exactly sexy sports. Linemen with wobbly bellies oozing over spandex? First basemen with dead eyes and colonial woodsman beards, spewing brown sludge? [Hockey position] with…well who knows what hockey players even look like under all that padding and crusted blood?

But that NBA…now that’s a sexy sport. Tank tops and shorts? Check. Chiseled bods? Check. Sweaty dudes gritting and grinding up against each other? Oh yeah. Masks, hats, and helmets that obscure player’s faces? Yeah right!

So I could tell you about my favorite teams, preseason expectations, player analysis, and so forth, but really, what better way to celebrate the start of the NBA season than running through some of basketball’s sexiest stars?

Starting Five:

1) Kobe

kobeKobe is sexy, but that barely begins to describe Jellybean Jr. Beautiful and sleek, Kobe is the Porsche x Dolphin x Denzel ménage a trois lovechild you want, we love, and the NBA deserves. You’ve seen Kobe in interviews: it is impossible to deny that Kobe just has IT. He commands. Kobe is the Mona Lisa of the NBA Louvre – it doesn’t matter how it looks, people need to stand in line to see it. Never retire, Kobe!

2) Klay Thompson

Klay’s stock has been soaring recently, but you know the Golden State Warriors didn’t just grant Klay a monster extension because he’s a premier two-way talent on the basketball floor; Klay also is a two-way talent in the looks department – country humble aw-shucks boy next door “lets catch fireflies in a jar” one way, goatee-bedazzled Bar Mitzvah “why don’t you come upstairs for a drink” lothario the other. Watch out Steph, the baby face is cute and all but don’t be too surprised if Klay is the Warrior’s face (and bod) of the future.

3) Serge Ibaka

As you might know, Ibaka grew up in the Republic of the Congo. I don’t know a ton about the Republic of the Congo, but I know it’s in Africa and it seems reasonably clear that they do not have a very fundamental appreciation for Congolese sex pots. How did this guy even make it to a basketball court without a barrage of modeling agents raining money on him??? If (heaven forbid) Serge dropped out of the NBA tomorrow morning, he would have a modeling contract before lunch and be strutting down a runway before dinner.

4) Meyers Leonard

Oh what, did you think we were only dealing with All-Stars? Sexiness doesn’t stop at the starters. That being said, I can’t believe Meyers is having trouble getting in the game, he freakin’ looks like a high school prom king quarterback class president swim team captain who also happens to be a distant cousin of Hercules. Terry Stotts, if you’re reading this, maybe stop trying to run plays that capitalize on basketball talent and start letting Leonard just run around the court and coyly wink at the other team. Swooning opponents = easy buckets.

5) Marc Gasol

Full disclosure: I have a thing for handsome white dudes who throw caution to the wind and grow kinda-ugly beards (See: Rodgers, Aaron or Kershaw, Clayton). It’s like they’re saying, “Yeah I know I’d be sexier clean shaven, but I’m a hella rich professional athlete, are you really not gonna pop a boner just cuz of a little stubble?” Respect.

(On this note – I can’t get a read on Anthony Davis’ unibrow…is it a tight IDGAF move or a Harden “ooh look at my beard” marketing move…hard to say.)

Kevin Love would be the obvious choice here, but a California-boy who turns his back on the Warriors is a traitor and betrayal is never a sexy look.

Okay, there’s your starting five. I know what you’re thinking, “hey @OGMapz ya dork you have two shooting guards and three big men, that’s not a starting lineup for basketball!!” Well, actually you’re the dork; this list would be four point guards and a quarterback if the situation demanded it. The situation is sexiness and sexiness is those two shooting guards and three big men.

[polldaddy poll=8465705]

All-Sexy Second Team:

1) Marco Belinelli
Hell yes Bellineli, you handsome son of a bitch. I don’t know what’s more wet, Belinelli’s three-point stroke or everybody’s panties when Bellineli struts into the room.

2) Shane Battier
Technically retired, but I still can’t get the erotic tapestry that is Battier singing “I Want it That Way” in a tank alongside Greg Oden and Ken Jeong. Too hot to cut, I gotta give him a special retirement-exemption.

3) Kevin Garnett
Tall, dark, and handsome, and psychotically competitive. Every girl’s dreamboat.

4) Courtney Lee
Probably the most classically hot player in the NBA. He looks like Omarion or some R&B singer you’d get irrationally upset with your lady for being a little TOO into.

5) Kris Humphries
Look I’m not any happier about this than you, but there’s a reason Kim married him and it isn’t his basketball skills.

My Gap Year: Kenya, Aporia, and the Lunatic Express

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Travel

Nov 03, 2014


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Midnight approached. White station lights flickered about the stale concrete platform as The Lunatic Express, which would rumble me from Nairobi down to Mombasa on the last remaining stretch of the historic East African Railway, chugged into the station. I was told to expect a late departure. The train, gradually relegated over the past century from crowning symbol of British imperial triumph to dilapidated tourist attraction, was not known for its punctuality.

And so my fellow Anglo passengers and I boarded first and second class, and so the rest boarded third, and so I was shown to my private quarters, where I would lay awaiting departure until just after 3 a.m, when the whistle blew, and the metronomic thud of the engine grew ever louder and faster, and the lights of Nairobi station dimmed into the distance.

—–

In Mombasa, 1896, the British began work on a rail line that in their imperialistic vision would ultimately stretch deep into the African interior, cementing their place as a key player on the recently partitioned continent. Seven years, 2,498 worker deaths, and roughly one billion British pounds later, the single-track line reached its initial terminus of Kisumu, on the northeastern shore of Lake Victoria. The Uganda Line, as it would eventually be called, represented Western mastery over the uncivilized Dark Continent, a stark manifestation of its superiority in all things.

And so went that old colonial arrangement. And so the train rumbled onward.

—–

Some older friends took a gap year before college and imbued me with all sorts of romantic notions of travel and adventure and casting off the arbitrary external constructs of a society of individuals too paralyzed by fear to carve their own unique path through the existential void or something like that. The idea – and I think it would prove to be a good one – of my gap year was that it would be divided into distinct and unique chapters of varying structure, length, and spirit. “Novelty!” That was the word! Bounce here! Live there! Meet a friend here! Try this there! Settle down here! Granada! Cadiz! Le Barte! Paris! Zurich! Kenya! Ho!

Limits would be pushed and barriers would be broken; each destination would place emphasis on a new and different aspect of the character, develop and build it, define and bulk it – all of it – until the whole was so great and immense and rounded that perhaps, finally, ultimately, my form would match my projection. Maturation expedited, irony would no longer serve as a crutch, a safety net, for earnest expression and behavior. Because it wouldn’t be necessary. With a comfort zone as big as the moon, insecurity and fear would be but hollow echoes of a time when chaos held the keys.

I was not nervous on the plane to Frankfurt. I ordered a beer and I read all of Einstein’s Dreams, which is a short novel about time and all weird forms it might take. Seats D through G in row 32 were empty so I lay across them, mildly irritated at how the edges of each seat curved up slightly into some area of my rib cage or my hip. I wore my red and blue hat and my tan zip-off travel pants (zipped on) from REI. It will be a very nice year, I thought. It will go fast and I best be sure to enjoy it while it lasts.

—–

My berth on the train was positioned such that when I looked out the window, I could see only sky or perhaps those natural beings of sufficient might and majesty to share its domain. I awoke expecting that at this stage we would be blasting down through the southeast reaches of Tsavo National Park, surrounded by smooth red hills, giraffes, acacia, sinewy gold gazelle running outwards under the train’s mighty roar. I would but sit there; take in Kenya’s fruitful bounty as it drifted right on by.

The train’s morning horn blared and I sat up. We weren’t moving. My quintessential Kenyan landscape was flowered with rusty industrial buildings. There was no engine roar.

I shuffled to the toilet at the end of the car, locked in my aim such that I would hit exactly through the hole in the floor and onto one of the track’s steel girders, and then continued back a few cars more to the dining car in the middle of the train. A Scandinavian couple beamed at one another on the far side of the car, and across from them, a Kenyan family and the daughter’s partner (who wore a fitted black Yankees cap) spoke in English of a recent Manchester United victory.

I sat alone far away, and brought out my book and my journal. The waiter approached, offered me coffee. “Where are we?” I asked. “What time will we be arriving in Mombasa?”

“Mr. Schwartz, it won’t be long at all,” he said.” We’re just waiting for a cargo train to pass. We will be in Mombasa by 4:00 this afternoon.”

“Where are we now?”

“We’re still in Nairobi.”

——-

One odd wrinkle in that perverse commodification of authenticity, which no traveler can fully keep from subconsciously embracing, is the inevitable reversal of the notion itself: I sought authentic relationships with “locals,” only to find that more often than not, the fleeting relationships I built were founded more upon the fact of my own novelty as a white American than any particular internal quality which I actually possessed.

I remember going out to Sporty’s my very first night in Nanyuki, and inhibition’s gradual cessation to awkward gyration, and Myles jokingly telling a still-stateside Matt that I fell in love, and Matt’s mortified phone-call of warning that Sporty’s is full of sex workers and gold diggers hot on the prowl for a strapping white lad such as myself.

Or botellon in Granada, and dressing up in Jose’s pink button-up and white blazer, and putting gel in my hair, and strutting on down to what would ultimately be a parking lot littered with vomit mines to be carefully avoided, and Jose’s beyond gorgeous friends (such is Granada), next to whom I mostly did that thing where you rigidly stand by two people who are in conversation, occasionally nodding your head such that you might appear to outsiders to be also engaged in said conversation. I could not have behaved in an objectively less cool manner. Yet every time a new friend of Jose’s came by, those who had met me would all, bright sincere smiles across their faces, eagerly introduce me as their amigo Americana.

Which isn’t to say there weren’t relationships with real meaning, and which, more importantly, isn’t to say that these artificial relationships didn’t themselves have a sort of real meaning. But there’s a complexity to these superficial connections which shrouds the self with doubt; the person they see when they look at you isn’t really the person you think you are. The reasons, be they too much time spent with a warped mirror, or the other’s particular failure to consider your whole, are immaterial. Dust, inevitably, has been kicked to the sky.

—–

Aporia, I’ve recently been told, is the state of intellectual bewilderment to which Socrates would, through pointed questioning, drive his interlocutors in the Platonic Dialogues. He saw in this process a purgative effect, and he appreciated the mental vacuum which subsequently forms: it’s only natural that curiosity gets tingling when formerly presumed knowledge is shown to be unsound.

Enter Gil, an organic farmer near Madrid. Also she was a Shiatsu Sensei and a deaf-child-English-teacher who taught the language by literally grabbing and shaping the tongues of her students to form sounds. Also she was a polyglot, and a communist Scotswoman, and she believed the moon landing was faked and that 9/11 was an inside job and that Bill Gates is evil made manifest and her energy pulsated and pounded like a bass into my own being such that I was literally uncomfortable sitting across from her at the dinner table. She was also a brilliant speaker, Christopher Hitchens good. She saw every bit of myself that was American: the presumption in the personal questions I asked, my milk and egg consumption, and with marked intentionality she deconstructed me, it, the ideas I took to be fact. That she would take the time to do such a thing I learned to take as a compliment, but always it made me angry, and sometimes furious, and often deeply insecure; as the Hitchensian idea goes, a life spent in refuge of the false security of consensus offers little preparation for the Gil’s of the world. Her husband Jorge would qualify all of his statements with “but that’s just my opinion.” Gil, unapologetically, would not.  And so as I offered my piddling contributions to the house of straw within which she and Jorge would ultimately live, so too did she give something in return, though, so many months later, I’m still utterly flustered as to what exactly it was.

—–

The Uganda railway was constructed to serve dual, reciprocally fulfilling purposes. The railroad made possible significantly cheaper raw material exports and manufactured imports; moving a ton of cotton from Kampala to the coast cost 90 pounds per ton before the railroad, and only 2.5 pounds per ton thereafter. In turn, the railroad promoted the influx of white settlers who would facilitate and oversee the operations though which such goods were moved. In securing easy access to Lake Victoria, Britain asserted control over the Nile’s source as well as a significant chunk of modern-day Tanzania, Kenya, Uganda, Rwanda, and Burundi, and made the region its own.

Nowadays there is a different story around the East African railway system. It’s fallen on hard times, rusting away, now useful solely for its own nostalgia-imbued anachronistic qualities. There’s no money and there’s depreciating interest. Kenya, however plagued by bad traffic, insane drivers, and the resulting mangled matatu carcasses, moves by road.

But matatu carcasses mean human carcasses, and traffic means inefficiency and human carcasses. Not all are content with the current state of affairs. To some, particularly those who hold neo-colonialist ambitions, in such unrest lies opportunity. Early this year, the Chinese, who have been active-as-can-be in recent east African infrastructure projects, came to an agreement with the Kenyan government to finance a modern, double track, standard-gauge rail system. The British were not involved.  Change tingles and zaps through the Kenyan air. Whether its form will prove linear or circular is yet undetermined.

—–

The Lunatic Express started and stopped and started and stopped as we waited for freight trains to pass in the opposite direction. I drank Tusker, I ate chicken, I wrote in my journal, I read. I retired to my quarter. It was hot. I couldn’t sleep. Sweat condensed in my nether regions. Another Tusker. BaoBao elephant trees gradually claimed an established place and frequency across the red land. Another Tusker. I stuck my head out the window when the train really got going, and, like Leo DiCaprio in Titanic, my golden, soft hair swelled and crescendoed in the warm passing wind. I looked back and out and forward and could see the engine car rumbling along whenever the train rounded a bend.

I pulled myself in and jumped, startled to find myself face to face with a buxom beautiful train employee. She smiled. I, embarrassed at this intrusion into what was supposed to have been a private indulgence, abruptly turned away down the train to my quarters. “How do you like Kenya?” she called after me. I stopped. My right nostril snarled and my left eye twitched. The question, as I then interpreted it, oozed with condescension. “I like it just fine,” I snapped, whirling around to face her. “I’ve actually been living here for four months now.”

—–

Early on in my time in Kenya, I found myself going out of my way to make clear to locals that, despite my skin color, I wasn’t, in fact, a “tourist;” that mzungu, the liberally-used generic term for white people, was in my case wholly inadequate. Indeed, the real truth was that at the moment, Nanyuki, Kenya was my home. Right in town! I didn’t just come for safaris and spear-throwing. I was practically a local! Sometimes I’d exaggerate the length of time I’d spent there, which, looking back, is a super weird thing to do. Of course this partly is just not wanting to get ripped off, whether by taxi drivers, or by vendors, who really do jack up their prices for naive tourists. But there’s something deeper at work too, perhaps that idea that me and you and everybody else are, by nature of our humanity, complex beings with dimension, depth, layers that no one even fully understands about themselves; that we’re the sum of our experiences, the manifest cumulative coherence of the otherwise incoherent relationships and situations that have formed our lives, and so it’s validating to have that complexity respected and demeaning to have it diminished.

Perhaps it would have been right and good of me to take note of the Senegalese dudes who squatted in the old caves above Granada, and who did their thang there (selling weed, smoking weed, and making jovial conversation with passersby) with a grace and generosity of spirit which rejected the caricature made of them by police who stopped in on a bi-weekly basis to get up in their business and demand their papers that they might be deported back from whence they came. They had bad ass caves, the best view in the city, and bright baggy colorful pants; all had led lives of depth and adventure; all had family and friends they dearly missed back home, and none gave a shit that no one recognized any of that when bitching about the “puta” Africans living in hill below San Miguel Alto. I had no such refinement in my ego. A grave offence indeed was the idea that I was a tourist, or even just an allusion to the fact of my whiteness, which carried within the implication that I’m not the nuanced, multi-dimensional, enigmatic motherfucker that I’d like to think that I am.

It’s relevant to note that I’m just reaching that age in which sheer (thought still paltry) quantity of real world experience aligns with and validates a to-this-point-latent smug self-assured arrogance, that age in which ideology begins the calcification process and loses any and all impressionability. I’ve never been more confident in my grand, sweeping opinions on the world. I always talk at the meta-level like an asshole. To so wholeheartedly possess schemes of such enormous proportion and be simultaneously dismissed by a random person who I don’t even know as a piddling tourist is mentally incongruous; delusion allows the brain to cope.

—–

084

I wobbled about the train. A Tusker here, a Tusker there. I talked to the Swedes about regions of Sweden and drinks of Sweden and regions of Sweden again. The dinner, the waiter excitedly told us, was “on the house!” We chugged onward, eating cabbage and chicken and ugali, which is flour and water in sponge form.

Nebulous twilight-orange intensified to acute fire-red. As wind drafted through the dining car, yet unlit through color’s gradual taper into silhouette, the passengers returned to their quarters and the lunatic express thumped its charging headlight onward; the air felt light even as it dampened into the ever-approaching humidity of the Indian Ocean.

—–

An adventure is its own distinct entity. There are adventures within adventures. A good book is an adventure. A good relationship is an adventure. A good conversation is an adventure. An adventure takes you to a place you do not know. It cannot be repeated. It is the distinct and temporary alignment of an order in which that minute piece of the universe over which you claim control interacts in a novel and unexpected way with another piece, and its purpose is to show you a new and interesting thing.

The happiest moments of my gap year were those in which I felt most cemented in a time and place, when identity and sentiment hinged not on future ambition or past accomplishment but on the singular human I was within the bounds of the chapter I was presently immersed – praying with the Senegalese friends as sun set over the Alhambra; stuffing hay into plastic bottles with goofy old Phillip; dancing through a power outage with Simama kids my last night in Nanyuki.

It’s all so random, so bizarre. There’s no order. Where is the order in a quilt of a million stitches, stitched by a million different hands, independent hands, uncommunicating hands? What could that quilt possibly mean?

—–

 

“Mr, Schwartz, you have to go.”

“Why?”

“Because we cannot go farther.”

“Why?”

“Because the train will not.”

“What?”

“The train will not.”

“Well are we there?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

No response.

“So how do I get there?”

“Matatu.”

“Oh.”

“But because you are a mzungu, they will charge you lots of money.”

“Oh”

“I will go with you to find a matatu.”

“Ok.” Can I eat here first?”

“No. There’s no more food. But I will go with you to find a matatu.”

The train employee smiled. He thought this a generous proposition. And perhaps it was. It seemed unlikely that in the Kenya Rail job description was a clause accounting for a case such as this. The air was heavy. Already twenty-three hours later than the scheduled arrival time and still we weren’t there. But the flavors and smells clung to their respective affiliated sense with a certain potency; Mombasa was near.

I closed the door and changed into my travel shorts and Roshe Runs. I unstrew my apples and sweaty clothes and books, jammed it all into my red backpacking backpack. Threw my electronics into my Rick Steves travel bag, lugged the red pack up to my back and slung the travel pack in front, and squeezed out the sliding door of my room into the hall. I jumped down into the mud below the train. We were in a train yard and mist and damp shrouded the far rails. The train employee sipped on his 9:00 AM Tusker. “The stage is over there,” he said. “Come, follow me.”

The train appeared to be empty. The Swedes had left. The people in the back had left. I was the last to go.

We ambled over the tracks and into town. We slipped through mud between wood storefronts out to the paved main road, where matatus and lorries swerved to and away from the great east African port.

A matatu whizzed by and the young bald guy yelling destinations out of its window saw the train employee and tapped the roof of the matatu and yelled for the driver to stop.

The train employee and I ran down the road after it. He had only his beer to carry, so he got there first. He mumbled something to the matatu destination-yeller, and they kept saying mzungu and giggling and glancing my way as I heaved and scurried myself and all of my stuff along the road to the waiting matatu.

“Mr. Schwartz, Mombasa is that way,” said the train employee, pointing down the road with his beer bottle. “He will take you there.”

“Very good price,” added the destination-yeller. He wrestled me in through the door by my shoulder straps. The single open seat was in the back; the matatu was full of morning commuters. They held my center of gravity onboard as the destination-yeller tapped the ceiling and the matatu shot forward and my legs, still dangling out the door, were thrust back under the force. I squirmed towards the back, traversing about and above the passengers until I plopped down in the empty space between two poorly postured old guys.

They smiled, teeth spotted brown. I smiled back. “Hello,” I said. “We’re going to Mombasa?” (I’d learned in Uganda that it’s best to double check). The old guy to my right nodded. “Mombasa,” he whispered. And on we drove. Shack towns grew ever more dense, frequent. Some, their traits compounded in the humidity, smelled of damp old egg. The man held his smile. I stared forward. I wondered what he thought of me. In this moment was I not simply a fella, just like him, making my way east to the Kenyan shore? In what ways did we differ and in which were we the same? In retrospect, I may have been overthinking it. I was his mild morning amusement and little more, just another skinny aporetic mzungu, curiously fiddling about.

Such Swedish Thunder: Dirty Loops’ “Loopified”

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Music

Aug 20, 2014


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loopification (n) | \lü-pə-fə-ˈkā-shən, lyü-\

Origin: Middle English loupe; portmanteau coined by Swedish band Dirty Loops.

1: the transformation of a smash pop single by way of slick jazzy chord progressions, crisp arrangement, and tasteful solo.

Formed in 2008 at the Royal College of Music in Stockholm, Dirty Loops rose to YouTube prominence on the merits of their loopification of songs like Justin Bieber’s ‘Baby’ and Britney Spears’s ‘Circus.’ It is the preternatural musical ability of vocalist/pianist Jonah Nilsson, bassist Henrik Linder, and drummer Aron Mellergardh that makes their covers possible. Watching them retool pop songs is like watching a wizard mechanic retool a 1992 Geo Prizm to make it look and run like a 2021 Lamborghini Aventador. Dirty Loops covers boggle the mind, but the loopification formula is in fact simple. I wrote about it two years ago:

In modal jazz, there is one chord rather than a series of chords. Modal jazz is stripped down such that it provides a base over which an improviser can superimpose an unlimited amount of harmonic substitutions. The one chord doesn’t change, so there is incentive for one to expand beyond its basic prescriptions and create a sense of forward harmonic movement as a series of chords might. It is open-ended music. What Dirty Loops realized is that superimposing new chords over the simple melodies and lyrics of songs like Baby is relatively easy. Most of the melodic phrases in ‘Baby’ use three or less notes. But it’s not like they are moralizing kitschy pop songs by making it high art —- they synthesize jazz, funk, pop, and rock in equal parts, so that ‘Baby’ retains its fundamental catchiness while being elevated to new levels of sophistication.

Dirty Loops released their debut album Loopified in the United States on August 19th. Loopified presents a different sort of challenge from covering pop songs: writing all-original material. As adversity reveals character, Loopified demonstrates Dirty Loops’ musical principles. To what extent do they want to be perceived “just” as a pop band? To what extent do they merely play with pop to disclose and embellish the band’s deeper and more serious jazz proclivities?

Jazz is a distinct idiom with its own mythology and vocabulary that also informs and relates to nearly every form of music that came about in the 20th century. Its elements can be easily fused with funk, R&B, rock, hip-hop, and electronic music. In 2014, jazz is probably furthest away FROM – and maybe even diametrically opposed TO – pop. Thus jazz, when blended with pop, poses a quandary. Because jazz always emerges from that commitment to the “idea” of jazz, both the integrity of its history and its impulse to experiment and evolve. When it comes to Dirty Loops — does the pop component cheapen the jazz component? Does the jazz component redeem the pop component? Can the two components coexist?

Stevie Wonder, Esperanza Spalding, Robert Glasper, George Benson, J Dilla. For decades musicians have sought to crossover and uphold the jazz tradition in more popular forms of music. And vice versa; for example, the avant-garde jazz trio The Bad Plus covered ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ on their 2003 album These Are the Vistas. But even then The Bad Plus reach back in time through a somewhat nostalgic mist to reinvent the greatest rock song of its era, whereas Dirty Loops tends to spring for freshly released pop songs, the more banal the better.

There has never been a band quite like Dirty Loops, whose impulse is to simultaneously reach for both extremes of the musical spectrum, to couch bald-faced pop music in obscure jazz harmonies. It is reductive to talk about Dirty Loops in terms of jazz and pop, because they draw on other genres as well, but playing jazz and pop off one other is at the core of what loopification is about. While Dirty Loops subverts the pop nature of the songs they cover on YouTube, it is the very banality of those songs that accounts for both Dirty Loops’ internet success and the perceived quality of their covers – the distance accrued between original and end product.

 —–

Dirty Loops’ approach to writing original material for Loopified is similar to their approach to YouTube covers. Linder describes the songwriting process in an interview: “We want to write simple pop songs from the beginning and then mess with them our way afterward. We want to write a melody that’s catchy… we don’t start with the fancy chords, we put those in last.” Basically, they are loopifying themselves. They are both the original and end product.

Self-loopification is most apparent on Loopified in the lyrics, which the band co-wrote with former N’Sync and Backstreet Boys producer Andreas Carlsson. The lyrics are astonishingly generic, with nearly every song an impersonal tale of love, lust, and heartbreak. The most memorable lyrical moment occurs at the outset of ‘Sexy Girls.’ Nilsson belts: “Sexy girls in the club / I’ll be whatever you want me to be. Sexy girls in the club / the night is young and the party’s on me.According to Nilsson, those particular lyrics are meant to be ironic. The weird thing is, the song would be worse off if its lyrics were reflective, profound, honest — anything but ironic. The lyrics serve as a trope – the original – to contrast with the other components of the music – the end product. In short: better lyrics would compromise the self-loopification process.

Loopified is at its worst on the ballads: ‘Crash and Burn Delight,’ ‘It Hurts,’ and to a lesser extent, ‘Take on the World.’ These songs suffer from lazy arranging. Where are the solos, the infectious groove, the weird chords?? Linder and Mellergardh all but disappear, and Nilsson is forced to carry more weight than he can bear. He is an awesome vocalist with great presence and pitch control, a threat to break off a two-octave run at any moment. But for all his admirable qualities he doesn’t have the emotional range to pull off these ballads all by his lonesome. Dirty Loops is most enjoyable when Nilsson’s voice recedes to the middleground so that it’s just another instrument – vocals, keys, bass, drums in a row, harmonizing and gesticulating like a barbershop quartet.

Good things happen when Dirty Loops picks up the pace. This is most true on ‘Hit Me,’ ‘Lost in You,’ ‘The Way She Walks,’ ‘Roller Coaster,’ and ‘Accidentally in Love.’ Their obscure jazz harmonies have life once more – they are most effective when played in rapid succession, like a combo breaker in a video game. They just need a bit of air under them to fly. Also – there are now horns! The inclusion of horns forces Dirty Loops to pay the arrangement more attention. They are maximalists at heart. The more action, the better. Mellergardh grows less passive, more keen to engage with his bandmates and indulge himself in rhythmic hits rather than simply keep time. When Dirty Loops picks up the pace, the pall that beleaguered the ballads evaporates. Suddenly there is more space in every dimension – more space to carve out a wider dynamic range, more space for Nilsson to sneak in a dapper keyboard solo, more space for the head to duck and weave to the beat.

But the greatest gift that Loopified gives is the gift of Henrik Linder. Sensei. Nilsson often doubles the bass in his left hand, freeing Linder to roam away from the pocket and unleash his always imaginative bag of tricks – slap bass fills, arpeggios, chord hits. He is not unlike Philip Lahm, star fullback for Bayern Munich. Lahm is solid as a rock in the back, but he likes to ventures forward, where he can more creatively employ his ample footballing brain. A technical master, Lahm outperforms his teammates at their respective positions more often than not, ultimately shaming not only his opponent but his teammates as well.

—–

Dirty Loops went all-in on Loopified with a self-loopification strategy. Banal, shallow lyrics became the transgressive means to illuminate their finest musical qualities. And for the most part those qualities shone through. But unlike loopification, self-loopification is not failsafe. The listener cannot compare the original to the end product. They are the same thing, and they must be consumed at the same time. The dopamine still hits, but there is no rebirth, no redemption. Is it better for the phoenix to die and rise from the ashes, or never die in the first place?

Postcard From Kenya: The Road From Laisamis

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Travel

Mar 22, 2014


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 “The universe is no narrow thing and the order within it is not constrained by any latitude in its conception to repeat what exists in one part in any other part. Even in this world more things exist without our knowledge than with it and the order in creation which you see is that which you have put there, like a string in a maze, so that you shall not lose your way. For existence has its own order and that no man’s mind can compass, that mind itself being but a fact among others.” 

There comes a moment in every man’s life when he finds himself on his knees, shoveling up his own shit with his ever-blackening bare hands while an angry family of strangers screams invectives at him in a language that he does not understand. Indeed, the inevitability of such occurrence is a fait accompli; the fact itself is not wherein the mystery lies, but in that for which it serves to illuminate.

The reasons, too, are merely peripheral to the crux. Perhaps it’s a step too many, or a subtle contortion of the pelvis that just reduces muscle leverage below the critical point, or perhaps truly it is preordained, a certain destiny, and no matter the quantity of energy and manpower dispatched with orders to hold at all costs, the gate to this outside world of judgment and love and humiliation is bound to fall. And when it does, when the plight is foregone and all hope his lost, it’s entirely natural that the emotional instinct is to look fearfully outward towards that approaching band of judges on the horizon.

The idea in such moments is to escape with dignity. And while it is indeed true that dignity is as much projected as bestowed, it is also true that sometimes circumstance can profoundly inhibit such outward projection. Sometimes, the duty of determining a man’s fate falls entirely to the masses. He is at the mercy of the souls that make the mob, and though the tribulation is indeed his own, to whom, the judges or the accused, has circumstance proffered choice and latitude? Who, when forces intrinsic to us all have already brought the defendant to his knees, is really on trial?

I was on the road from Laisamis when such tribulations befell me.

Laisamis is in the Kenyan north, a region to which the western world, in its inexorable onward march, has sent still only advance sentries. The Kenyan police get progressively more unpleasant as you move farther north and today they are in standard form, berating a Pakistani man in a tight-fitting cycling jersey. They hold their rifles high as they make only him pull literally all of his things (bike included) out of the bus baggage hold for what will no doubt be a thorough and complete inspection.

Simon and I observe the scene as we wait to board the bus. This is the day’s final charter to Nairobi (we’ll be getting off in Nanyuki) and it is imperative that we obtain tickets before it leaves this hot and dusty and mysterious place. Shadowing me with precision is a thraggle of old jewlery-hocking Rendile women, but Simon, who is Kenyan, remains focused on the task at hand.

The driver sees that Simon is with me (I am wearing a tan bucket hat that says ranger rick on it, if that gives any indication of my skin color) and doubles the price.  I can’t understand Simon, but I imagine that he says the Swahili equivalent of “naw dog, I don’t play that shit,” and the driver complies. We’re on.

“While you’re with me in Kenya, there is no need to worry,” says Simon, as always emphasizing the vowels in his wonderfully Kenyan accent. “You will always be fine.”

The entire bus gawks at us as we make our way down the aisle. We sit down in the back next to a young thirteen year-old boy who’s name I will learn is Patrick. I look out the window. The Pakistani man is arguing with a soldier who had the day before spent a good three minutes dubiously panning his face back and forth between me and my ID.

The engine rumbles; the Pakistani man grabs his stuff and bounds on; away we go.

The road from Laisamis is not paved. Indeed, it’s not paved in the Kenyan sense, meaning that it is borderline impassable without four wheel drive. Our driver does not take this into account when calculating his velocity. Almost in rhythm, every five seconds brings a powerful jolt, and the passengers cascade up and out of their seat in collective and artistic synchrony. Unfazed, everyone maintains a blank forward stare. Patrick and I giggle hysterically in the back.

The road from Laisamis meanders through a brown,hard desert interspersed with small acacia bushes and windowless 30-square-foot shacks, whose chief structural components are newspaper and dried cow dung. Occasionally, we pass a shirtless citizen, wrapped in a red kilt and colorful bead accessories, herding his cows and camels.

I chat with Patrick, who explains that he is on the way to Nairobi to begin secondary school. “Ninajifunza Kiswahili,” I tell him, and he tells me the words for chair and window.

The pavement begins, and with it come a series of police stops. The ritual is always the same. Angry guy in uniform walks on, snarls at me and the fact that I only have my ID and no passport,snarls at a few other people’s passports, pulls the Pakistani guy off the bus to see his bag. Onward ho.

One police stop though, there are men in dress-shirts and neckties. They hold rifles. The bus driver grabs a briefcase and gets off the bus. I look around. All eyes through the right window towards the three men. I ask Patrick what is going on. “We can not go farther,” he says.

I blink. “What?”

No response. We watch the driver approach the men. They talk for some minutes. Lots of gesticulation. Silence in the bus. The driver hands the case to the tallest man with the smallest rifle. I look at Patrick. He smiles. “They accepted,” he whispers.

—–

“The truth about the world, he said, is that anything is possible. Had you not seen it all from birth and thereby bled it of its strangeness it would appear to you for what it is, a hat trick in a medicine show, a fevered dream, a trance bepopulate with chimeras having neither analogue nor precedent, an itinerant carnival, a migratory tentshow whose ultimate destination after many a pitch in many a mudded field is unspeakable and calamitous beyond reckoning.”

Roadside charcoal vendors pack up. Uniformed school children cheerfully waddle the final kilometer of their long walk home. Orange clouds and distant hills and small acacia cast long shadows upon the plains of Samburu county.

Day turns to night in Kenya.

We are ten minutes short of Isiolo, an hour from Nanyuki, when a stout policewoman with tight short braids below her cap walks on to the bus. I relax the shoulders. No testosterone-fueled power-trip to worry about here. She comes to me first, holds out her hand. I nudge up towards Patrick like always, smile a winner, and nod as I give her my ID.

She frowns. Where is my passport? I explain that I’d been warned against bringing my passport on account of the dangerous roads. Then she turns around and walks away without handing back the ID. I look at Patrick. He shrugs. I look at Simon. He shrugs. Excuse-me, I say to the woman, but Simon holds me back. It’s not worth it.

She takes a few more passports, and then grabs a few more still. The bus is restless. A woman in a Hijab says that she has no right to do this. The officer ignores her.

Those who have had their passports taken file off the bus in anger. I tell Simon the ID replacement fee is “probably like $300.” Simon agrees this is worth fighting for. We file off last, leave our things in Patrick’s charge.

Motorbike silhouette’s zip and zoom through the night. The policewoman sits in a roadside shack with an authoritative chubby-faced man who gets a deeply masculine thrill out of shining his jumbo flashlight directly into the eyes of those he speaks to.

Initially, there is a crowd, but slowly, fifteen turns to five, then to three, then, once all have retrieved their passports and returned to the bus, it’s just me, Simon, and the police. The language jumps between Kikuyu, Swahili, and English. I catch flashes. They want money. No they don’t. No they do, they want 5000 shillings – about USD$60. “Hapana” says Simon, we have no money. I’m a mzungu, of course I have money. “Fine, 1000 shillings, says the woman”

“Hapana!”

The bus rumbles.

“500”

It moves.

“400”

It drives away. Our stuff is still on board.

The cop shines his light in my eyes and sees the dismay. “Don’t worry, it’ll stop in Isiolo for a bit. How about 300?”

Simon doesn’t let up. It’s standard to pay bribes in Kenya (though less and less so) but I get the sense that Simon’s resilience here is fueled by a deeper sense of national pride in front of a visitor. The police eventually get the message and unapologetically hand back the ID. They tell us to get out of here, and Simon and I storm off down the unlit roadside.

Bodaboda shadows continue to whiz by. Simon whistles. A driver pulls over. No words are exchanged. The two of us hop on. “Isiolo,” says Simon.

—–

 “You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from.”

The air is cool on my face. I am in the middle, the mystery driver to the front, Simon hanging on behind. We weave around a sand truck and a car weaves around us. Some motorbikes have no lights. You hear them. You do not see.

It begins with the first speed bump. Stirring. A restless army musters in the deep. A pothole impels the army to march, but the initial formation rapidly dissolves in the motorbike’s tremor. Zero to ten in mere moments.

The bowels rumble. Code blue.

The far-away glow of Isiolo turns bright and immediate. Buses and Matatus line the road. Which is ours? Has it left? I haven’t yet told Simon of my impending emergency; he is in lockdown mode, intensely intent on getting his charge home without incident. Beads of sweat condense on the lower back. The motorcycle zooms onward.

All at once, pain and numbness in the nethers. The internal sphincter has fallen. The external sphincter weakens. As arms wiggle and wobble on that final push-up, so to do I. Adrenaline shoots from my head to my toes. There’s the bus! No wrong one. No it’s that one over there! We drive. Bump bump bump. What kind of bullshit shocks are these? We drive and there is Patrick’s plump round bucktoothed face jammed out the small hole in the window. He waves. Simon waves back. I can’t wave. It’s a blur. I tell Simon of my problem. He asks the driver where I can go. Driver says no time.

We file on. Climb the stairs. Whole bus is seated and staring and smiling. The mzungu made it back! Guy who speaks American English starts telling me about his week in North Dakota. I nod. My face is red. We head to the back. Patrick pats the seat he saved for me and I ignore him; I sit alone in the row to his front and lay on the window.

A brief wave of lucidity. I do the calculation. Fifty minutes to Nanyuki. The mere thought zaps my aching sphincter of its essential remaining strength. Simon sees me. What’s wrong, says Patrick? I glare at him. Poor Patrick. He could never understand. Simon and I lock eyes. He understands. The gate cannot hold.

“One minute,” yells Simon to the driver as we hightail off the bus. The driver, who is leaning on the bus’s side, does not respond. Simon and I zig-zag and zag-zig. “Choo iko wapi? choo iko wapi?! Simon and I collide. Our heads turn. We see it together. A clinic!

Inside, my eyes are wide and red and desperate. I frantically pan my head around. Where where where!!! I bounce my feet and spin spin spin. I see something that says lavatory and furiously shake the door handle. That’s the laboratory, yells Simon.

Baffled visitors gape at my jig until Simon points aggressively out the back door. Indeed, there it is. A beacon in the night. A corrugated metal shed housing a pit latrine. I make a bowlegged dash. Sweet relief is on the way. I pull the door.

It’s locked.

“I’ll find a key,” screams Simon, and he runs back inside. The air is humid, dank. I lean on the side of the shed and drag myself around it. Movement is essential. Hold, sphincter, hold! There is a field of grass. It is dark. A mosque rises above the wood shacks surrounding the field. It is illuminated, ostentatious, crisp clean spires rising above all. The sounds of the city beyond the clinic are barely audible. I limp. I look to the sky. Bubbles below. There is no strength remaining. Simon has not returned in time. The bus will soon leave. All is lost. There is no hope. I can hold no more.

—–

“Do you take pride in your hurt? Does it make you seem large and tragic? …Well, think about it. Maybe you’re playing a part on a great stage with only yourself as audience.” 

The lights of the mosque cast deep shadows on the grass. They flicker and shake. It, is everywhere. Everywhere.

“Simon,” I groan. “I… I didn’t make it.” I hear rustling by the clinic’s backdoor as Simon, who had obtained the key, sprints back inside. It’s me and the wind.

I look around and take inventory of the situation. My pants cast off a couple feet to my right. My boxers inside of them. My favorite fish and boat tan polo on top and nothing on bottom. I sit in shock. I crawl over to the pants and dig through the pockets to get my phone and wallet and keys. It’s delicate, there is much to avoid, but I’ve extracted just about everything of value when I hear a sound. I look up.

A woman in a hijab stands five feet away. We make eye contact and both freeze. A couple seconds go by. Still no sound.

It’s unclear how long she has been standing here but it doesn’t take long to surmise that this is in fact her yard. In calculating my next move, I consider the situation as she must see it. To her, I am a naked cursing white man crawling in and around (god willing) his own shit just outside of a perfectly suitable bathroom, his pale white ass gleaming even through the darkness, his scent a damp combo of fecal matter and old-spice deodorant (“if your grandpa hadn’t warn it, you wouldn’t be alive!”).

The veracity of this perspective puts me in a bit of a pinch, so I defer the first move to the woman. A few more seconds of silence still, and then she makes her play, a high pitched and extended shriek of death in the spirit of the Witch King of Angmar:

“AAHAAAAHHAWAAR! AAAWWTTSAAAA!”

I stand reflexively, exposing a nasty bit more of my pale white self. The shriek turns to words, but they are not in English.

“Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry” I sputter, throwing myself into a crouch. She doesn’t let up.

Her little girls come out, all in Hijab’s themselves. They cover their mouths and giggle. The woman continues to scream; I cover myself. “It was an accident! Can’t you see!?”

A horn honks on the other side of the clinic. There goes the bus. There goes all of my stuff. Screaming continues. Another woman comes out and joins in. Outnumbered, I retreat back into my own head, think of a time weeks in the future, when (unless I get deported) this will all just be a distant mildly amusing memory.

Steps in the clinic; a door slams. I turn. Simon rounds the pit latrine-shed corner in a full sprint. He has his bag; he has my bag.

He pulls up, evaluates the situation, dives into his backpack for some jeans. “Put these on!” Simon hurls them my way. I stumble about and wrestle them on. They’re far too big but still, one dignity is finally reclaimed.

Simon assumes a power stance directly between the woman and I. He speaks a calm confident Swahili. I cower behind. I have a firm grip on each side of the jeans. A girl, maybe 15, emerges from same house as the woman. She looks at the ground around me, then at my skin, then places her hand on her hips.

“Hey! Where you from,” she yells with some serious ‘tude

She speaks English. I don’t respond.

“Hey! I’m talkin to you. Where are you from?”

“U.S.” I mumble. I can’t just ignore her. I did, after all, just take a shit in her yard. This takes her by surprise. “Oh, well, well hmm, is this what you do in America? Huh? You just go around and feces in other people’s yard?” I stare at her. Simon and the mother continue to do battle in Swahili on the side.

“Huh? Is that what you do over there? Well welcome to Africa, welcome to Kenya, we don’t do that here.”

She is quite pleased with herself. She’s doing that thing with her hand where you twist your wrist in a circle, and then thrust the hand out towards the victim, palm first. She does that repeatedly. Her other hand, the left one, still rests on her hip. I’m regaining awareness; it occurs to me that I might defend myself to the one person who would understand my words. I begin to explain myself, that in fact we don’t feces in other people’s yards in America, that this was an honest mistake, that I’m on a trip to visit some motherfucking kids we sponsor to go to school thank you very much, but I only get about five words in before Simon turns and glares and warns me not to speak to her.

The father comes out. “Mzungu!” he booms. “Sit Down!”

Terrified, I obey.

“Don’t sit down,” yells Simon. “Do. Not. Sit. Down!”

“MZUNGU! SIT, DOWN!” yells the man again, who has positioned himself opposite to me from Simon.

“NO!” yells Simon. I’m in a partial squat, like I’m doing a half-assed wall sit. I maintain a firm grip upon the sides of my pants.

The dad moves on to demand a thorough clean of the impact zone. Simon scrambles to find a receptacle, eventually returning from the clinic with a yellow plastic grocery bag.  He throws it to me, and to my knees I go. I begin with the pants and the underwear. The belt is still salvageable, but there is no time. All of it goes in the bag. Then it’s on to the real stuff, no jean denim to shield my hand this time. I hold my breath and go for it: grab, throw, grab, throw. A deafening rabble in the angry circle around me. They are not satisfied. It is not clean enough. Remnants remain.

The father howls something at Simon, and Simon runs off and brings back a stick. “I’ll dig, you shovel,” he says, and with that he frantically and repeatedly jabs his stick into the impact zone. I scrape up the stick’s products with my now-black right hand, throw it into the bag. Stab dig stab dig. I’m rolling. I’m ripping up grass. No remains. The shouting hasn’t abated. “What about there!” yells the English-speaking girl. “Hapa Hapa HAPA!”

It’s all in the bag. I can hear my heart beat.

Curious onlookers materialize out of the darkness. Now there’s more than ten. Simon explains and explains. I keep hearing the world “polezi.” I keep hearing big numbers followed by “shilingi.” The fifteen year old continues to spit vitriol. She keeps using “feces” as a verb. This irks me. Her anger turns to Simon.

“This is the man you choose to be your role model in Kenya? Him?” She looks disgusted. Maybe you should make better choices about who you hang around with, don’t you think?”

I look over and Simon remains stoic. It appears he is beginning to make progress.

No longer will they call the police. Then no longer do they want money. Now they just want me out of their sight. The breakthrough, I will learn, was derived out of the still prominent tribal structure of Kenya; they were speaking Kikuyu amongst themselves, and Simon responded in kind. They could work with him.

Simon turns around. “Lets go.”

I wordlessly follow. I hear the voice, that goddamn girl’s voice behind me. “What? You’re not even gonna say thank you? That’s real polite.”

I mumble “thank you” like an idiot and trudge behind Simon into the clinic. Everyone inside knows. Everyone stares. The bloated yellow bag swings in the grip of my black, crusted hand.

—–

“Time interval is a strange and contradictory matter in the mind. It would be reasonable to suppose that a routine time or an eventless time would seem interminable. It should be so, but it is not. It is the dull eventless times that have no duration whatever. A time splashed with interest, wounded with tragedy, crevassed with joy – that’s the time that seems long in the memory. And this is right when you think about it. Eventlessness has no posts to drape duration on. From nothing to nothing is no time at all.” 

“And, of course, people are interested only in themselves. If a story is not about the hearer he will not listen.” 

Simon and Andrew in Laisamis the night before.
Simon and Andrew in Laisamis the night before.

The town is dead. Only the glue-fiends and the corn-salesmen and Simon and I are still out. We walk in silence next to the road. He says nothing. I say nothing. Cats and rats dig through garbage. We walk. What am I gonna do with my bag? What are we gonna do?

“Simon,” I mumble. “There isn’t much to say. “I don’t, I don’t really know what to say, all I can really think is thanks. I owe you so many Tuskers. I’m sorr-“

“You owe me nothing. Nothing. If you had meant to do it, now, now that would be bad, but it was an accident. You owe me nothing. You are my brother.”

We walk in silence some more.

“Simon, why didn’t you want me to sit down.”

“Why should you sit down? Why? You did nothing wrong. Why should you be shamed like that?”

As I see it, there are a good many reasons why I ought to have been shamed like that, but I just nod and smile.

Now at this point, I have known Simon for around ten days. He’s been wonderful to me. He’s shown me around, taken me out for Tuskers, done everything in his power to smoothen the transition to life in Kenya. I have done nothing in return. I may have bought him a few Tuskers here and there to even the score, but already the scales were so tipped in his favor. It’s the sort of generosity for which forward payment, as opposed to individual repayment, is expected; a kindness that inspires kindness not just in return, but in general.

We determine that that the best route is just to find some way, any way, to get home, back to Nanyuki, back to Wama, back to a place we know. I of course, can’t approach within ten feet of anyone out of consideration for their senses, but Simon scurries about and luck finds him: across the street, a white private matatu sits waiting for lost souls in this dark Isiolo night.

The driver, a man with a flat-cap, a cigarette, and a black leather jacket, nods at us. He understands. His voice is Freeman-esque, rich and deep.

“There’s a shower in that hotel over there. I’ll wait outside.”

The hotel owner sees me and the bag. He understands. He directs me to a corrugated metal shack, not unlike the pit latrine from before. I enter dirty; I emerge clean.

The owner laughs. “Karibu Isiolo,” he yells happily as Simon and I walk away into the night. “You’re welcome back any time.”

The cab is waiting outside. Simon goes to find some gin, and I take a seat on the right hand side behind the driver.

He strikes a match and the interior of the matatu glows orange. His silhouette deepens. Distant mad cries frame the empty silence. He lights his cigarette, takes a drag. and then, cigarette in hand, rests his right arm on the windowsill. He exhales. The sound of his breath is slow and deep and thoughtful.

“My friend,” he says. “Where did it all go wrong?”

Hardwood Odyssey

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Sports

Mar 13, 2014


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This article ran in the December 2009 issue of the Garfield Messenger (Garfield HS, Seattle). Tony now plays for the Philadelphia 76ers.

Sometime in October, my esteemed editor Larson Gunnarsson approached me with a proposition: I was to try out for the basketball team and give an account of the adventure. In the coming weeks, this agreement came back to haunt me. Since my days as a freshman, I had harbored an immense respect for Garfield basketball players. They were huge. They secreted swagger. They leaned against corridor walls, arms crossed, smiling fiendishly. Their presence drained all my confidence, any sense of myself. Tony, especially. His talent conferred on him an almost godlike stature, someone who couldn’t be defined in terms of “sophomore” or “underclassman.” A mere mortal myself, I craved his arrogance, his natural gifts, his world. I did not know or care about the personalities of Garfield ballers, but in their presence I felt awe, and something that bordered on fear. And so, the month before tryouts became increasingly painful as the sheer short-sightedness and stupidity of the agreement began to dawn on me. I would be matching up with varsity players. Varsity. Goddamn varsity. Every time I passed Tony in the halls, or Correy Bagby, or Jaron Cox,  I could only think: fuuuuuuuuck.

I enlisted Wilson Platt for emotional support. Wilson, a junior, started varsity last year, but he was not intimidating like the others. Cheery, likeable, and white, Wilson provided an outlet for my misgivings and insecurities about the looming tryouts. “The worst thing that could possibly happen,” I remember him saying, “is you get kicked out.” Vaguely reassured, I awaited the first day of tryouts the way an old man sits on the porch and ponders his fate.

When judgment day arrived, I was ready. I hydrated consciously throughout the day. I went home after school to stretch and grab a potassium-laden banana. I slipped on my fresh new Reebok crew socks, laced up my grime-encrusted Nikes and was out the door. At precisely 4:30 I walked into the gym foyer. Fifty people or more stood around, some talking and laughing, others plugged into their iPods with their heads down. I noticed shorter, baby-faced freshman and sophomores slouching, dispersed at random intervals, and felt a minor resurgence in confidence. I found Wilson in this scrum and sauntered up to him with as much grace and coolness as I could muster. In mid-saunter, I felt the eyes of big black dudes boring holes into the back of my head. I felt small. Wilson met me with his usual winsome smile. But at that moment, first-year coach Ed Haskins ushered the crowd into the gym, hopeful frosh and cocksure seniors alike.

Haskins sat everyone down in the bleachers. I studied him as he introduced himself and his assistants. He wasn’t tall, maybe 5’9″, but he commanded respect. Not just with his calm, sure voice, but with the way he gestured his arms, the way he explained the tryout semantics and included all of us in his gaze. After a brief warm-up, Haskins shouted: “Baseline!”

The first sprints were easy enough, but Haskins was not satisfied. He paced. He fumed. “This is unacceptable!” he shouted. He paced some more. “You will support your teammates as they run. Because you know you want them to support you! Let’s go!”

The response was overwhelming. Dudes sprinted high-knees down the court – high-knees – and everybody shouted out support, clapping their hands, eyebrows pointed in focus. The energy in the gym crackled. I was swept along in the frenzy, as much from legitimate excitement as my desire to simply to be included and not stand out.

The practice zipped along. The energy from the lines did not waver, but the severity of the sprints increased. We began doing “deep sixes,” six court lengths. Haskins chewed out the loafers. “You need mental toughness to play basketball!” he bellowed. “You walk? You are not mentally tough!”

We ran by class. Seniors last. Initially, I hung with the pack, but there was no gas in the tank for the last sprint. Going into the sixth and final turn, I was at least half a court length behind the next senior. As the pack finished at one end, I was working my way past the opposite three-point line. Wilson shouted “Let’s go Danny!”, which was slightly uplifting, but at the same time made me feel like a highly functioning autistic.

Haskins mercifully allowed a water break. I could hardly move. My vision had blurred. It took immense self-control and willpower to climb up the bleachers to my water bottle. As soon as I touched my dry lips to the lid, Haskins shouted “baseline!” I staggered back towards the group assembling at one end of the court, but did not stop once I reached it. I made it to the foyer before the dry-heaves began. I turned around long enough to see a guy giving me a wide-eyed, oh-shiit look before I plunged onward, finally reaching the bathroom, feeling my way to a stall, leaning over the toilet, and letting the vomit fly like a Nolan Ryan fastball.

I remember feeling so pathetic stooped over in that bathroom stall, remnants of the day’s chow mein clinging to my lips, standing still and alone while everybody was toughing it out in the gym. Whether it was a matter of pure exhaustion, as I hoped, or a matter of mental strength, as Haskins might have believed, I was weak. Practice ended soon thereafter. I departed the gym, feeling, if possible, smaller and more insignificant than when practice had begun.

The next day’s practice included only juniors, seniors, and underclassmen stars. The group shrank to 21; the stragglers had vanished. “This is essentially a varsity practice,” Haskins told us. “And I ask only that you hustle.” He interspersed sprints throughout the practice, but they were ultimately irrelevant next to the heart of the drama, the sacramental moment where we touched basketballs.

Here I offer some perspective on my playing ability. I have fundamentals. I can pass and set screens and play D, but that’s about it. Giving me the ball is a bad idea. In the rec city championship game last year, I took fourteen shots and missed fourteen shots. So needless to say, I had serious misgivings about scrimmaging with varsity. We ran full-court 5-on-5 drills. I was the weakest, smallest, and least skilled player on my team, by far. My teammates said nothing, but I could tell what they were thinking: Who is this little bitch white boy and what is he doing here?

Interestingly enough, the first couple of minutes went swimmingly. I was guarding someone smallish who couldn’t blow by or overpower me. For the first time in my life, I dove after a loose ball. I launched a three-pointer off the backboard, but shrugged it off. I began to feel a sensation that verged on the comfort zone. Until Tony guarded me.

It was just one play. But it was the worst play of my life. I received the ball on the top of the key. Tony stepped up and settled into a crouch across from me, maybe two feet away, eyes wide like a hyena’s. “GIMME DEEEZZ!” he screamed. He stretched his massive wingspan, as if to embrace me, although truly he was letting me know, you will not enjoy this. Too focused to be deterred by fear, I drove to the left and cut past him. In retrospect, I can only presume he wasn’t trying, because a) realistically he would lock me up in a heartbeat, and b) he subsequently pushed me from behind and poked the ball away.

Scrimmage progressed, and I slowly found a role on my team. I seldom touched the ball, set a few screens on offense, and played the most tenacious defense I could muster. Although I performed this role relatively well, I didn’t feel a part of the team. It was as if there were two groups of people trying out that day: those who were locks for varsity and those very close, and then everybody else. The outsiders. The varsity players were outgoing and arrogant, like a fraternity, a very exclusive fraternity of which membership was nearly impossible to attain. The outsiders may even outperform varsity players, but that does not grant them a spot in the varsity clique. I held my own against Correy Bagby on defense, an enormous personal victory. I busted my ass, played unselfish basketball. I shattered this illusion that varsity ballers play on an entirely different level, an inhuman level, but I remained still an outsider, lowly and unimportant.

As practice drew to a close, I gathered my belongings, kept to myself. Didn’t say a word. But inside, a strange sensation was brewing, displacing the insecurity and discomfort I had experienced in the days leading up to tryouts. I felt bold. Simply because I had staved off humiliation, I was unconquerable. Exhausted yet weightless, I gave Wilson one last high five and stepped out into the cool crisp night.

“gimme deez”

Stranded in Kenya: The Seahawks Win Super Bowl XLVIII

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Sports Travel

Feb 25, 2014


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The Seattle Seahawks played nineteen games this season, and I watched all of them — all of them, except one. As the Seahawks took the field at MetLife Stadium to do battle with the Denver Broncos in Super Bowl XLVIII, I was fast asleep in the Kenyan bush, 100 miles west of Nairobi. It was 2:30 in the morning. When I emerged from my tent at dawn the game was long over. I dreamed that the Seahawks had beaten the Broncos, 16-14.

Team Kenya Safari consisted of my brother Andrew, Mom, Mom’s friend Betsy, and Mom’s sister Margaret, and myself. Safari! Wooo!!! The morning after the Super Bowl, we went on a hike to visit a primary school and learn about the trees that heal gonorrhea (‘gon-OR-rhe-a’ in Kenyan parlance). Jonathan, a Maasai warrior, was our guide. We had visited his village the day before. I asked him if his village played any sports for fun. “No,” he said, “but I ran relays in college.”

We would next have Wi-Fi in four days’ time, at the Lake Nakuru hotel. We could stream the Super Bowl there. By some T-Mobile voodoo magic, Margaret’s husband was able to deliver her the final score. She told Betsy, and they were on strict orders not to discuss the game until the rest of us had watched it ourselves.

We mingled with lions, zebras, and elephants on the Serengeti, paid visits to villages, farms, and schools, and made escapes from hordes of rabid whittled-giraffe salesmen. At last, we made it to the Lake Nakuru hotel. Andrew, Mom, and I sat outside at a picnic table overlooking the lake, sipping Tusker (the local brew of choice) and downloading the NFL Game Rewind app on Mom’s iPad so we could watch the game. The app loaded at a glacial pace, but our spirits soared high above the Kenyan savanna. The wait was finally over. Seahawks! Broncos! The big enchilada! Let the rumble begin!!!

I tapped Begin Stream. A message popped up. It read: “Sorry, NFL Game Rewind has not been cleared for use in your region.”

What happened immediately next was a blur. Profanities were uttered. Tusker was consumed. “Isn’t the NFL supposed to be trying to expand into foreign markets?” Andrew asked.

Marooned by the National Football League. Classic. In retrospect, I should have seen it coming. But if I had endured the four-day wait with anything less than 100% hope for a successful viewing, I would have folded and asked Margaret the score. It was a valiant effort, and for that I patted myself on the back. Now there was little choice but to rip off the band-aid. Mom checked the score and announced the result: the Seahawks won. 43-8.

It was the first Seattle championship of my lifetime and instantly the greatest moment in Seattle sports history. As such, I got up and humped the air triumphantly, but I could already tell something was wrong. There was no euphoric rush, no pleasant tingle, not even the kind that comes from swishing a three-pointer. There was nothing to savor. I hadn’t earned the emotional reward of victory. I hadn’t hiked to the mountaintop, I flew there by helicopter. I had cheated. Or rather, I had been cheated. I would be better off in Jonathan’s village, I thought, having never heard of the Seattle Seahawks, never grasping the concept of sports because sports only exist on the upper rungs of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

I self-diagnosed myself with acute retroactive FOMO. It can be more or less summed up in terms of my friend Larson Gunnarsson. Heart of gold, lover of dogs, he was that kid in 3rd grade who licked slugs and cried when his team lost in football at recess. He is the truest sports fan I know. He flew out from Seattle to New York, where I live, to attend the Super Bowl with his brother. After the game, he posted on Facebook: “Tonight is the single best day of my life and nothing has ever come close. SEAHAWKS!!!!!!!”

I know exactly what sort of afterparty went down, because I’ve constructed it in my imagination. Immersed in a giant army of Seahawks fans, Larson, our friends, and I take to the streets of Manhattan full of Jim Beam and jubilation, first the East Village, then Downtown, then up to Midtown, then to Central Park as the sun rises to share what remains in our flasks with the homeless, and finally to the Upper West Side for Monday brunch.

***

Stranded in a distant land. A victim of injustice. I couldn’t even relate my plight to my own brother, a diehard Mariners fan but only a casual Seahawks fan. For the first time, I found myself craving the 12th Man.

Over the course of the 2013 season, I grew increasingly cynical about the Seahawks’ famously loud home crowd, the 12th Man. As the Seahawks’ record progressed from 4-0 to 8-1 to 12-2, the national media paid the 12th Man progressively more attention and fair-weathers piled onto the bandwagon. I rolled my eyes as the 12th Man attempted to coronate itself with the Guinness record for world’s loudest crowd. I rolled my eyes as people posted pictures of their freshly needled ‘12’ tattoos, as one young couple named their newborn Cydnee Leigh 12th Mann. What a bunch of tools, I thought. I didn’t need the 12th Man as a prop to prove my devotion to the Seahawks. If there is a God, he knows I’m a real fan.

A couple days before the Super Bowl, at the elephant orphanage in Nairobi National Park, we spotted a woman taking pictures with a 12th Man flag, and Mom chatted her up. Margaret, a Denverite, sidled up alongside the woman and nudged her in the ribs. “Go Broncos,” she said.

The woman nudged Margaret back. “Go Hawks,” she said.

This jocular ribbing amongst women in their late fifties continued for about ten minutes, after which Andrew and I were coerced into posing for a picture with the 12th Man flag. To my horror, Mom later posted the picture to Facebook.

Mom isn’t much of a football fan. But if we had been able to stream the Super Bowl at the Lake Nakuru hotel, I would have watched in relative silence while she screamed obscenities and made herky-jerky guttural noises at the screen. The line between the fair-weather and the diehard blurs in the moment of reckoning.

Mom is a lot like Ramsey from the Bud Light “It’s only weird if it doesn’t work” commercial in which the narrator, who we’ll call Steve, is forced to watch the Patriots game with the overzealous Ramsey. I hate watching football with Ramsey. All he does is yell. They can’t hear you, Ramsey! But the Patriots never lose when Ramsey comes over to watch. I love you, Ramsey, Steve says.

Who is crazier, Ramsey or Steve? Ramsey becomes so engrossed in the drama of the game that he loses contact with reality and forgets he’s with people. Ramsey is Alan from “The Hangover” gone berserk. Steve keeps his composure, but he’s convinced himself that Ramsey, if sitting in Steve’s living room, possesses the ability to bend cosmic vibrations such that they align in the Patriots’ favor. Within every fan there is both Ramsey and Steve, both the passion and the superstition that sustain the belief that fans are as integral to the sport as the players. If players are artists and no one recognizes their work, did they create anything to begin with? Arrogant and selfless, fans want above all to compel their players to dig deeper, until they become more than just an audience – until they become actors.

The 12th Man isn’t an expression of tradition. It’s an expression of this belief that fans matter. The central precept of the 12th Man is to be heard, the goal to disrupt the opposing offense’s play calls and snap counts. Since 2012, the Seahawks are 10-8 on the road and 17-1 at home. The cause is worthy. The cause is virtuous. As the 2013 season progressed and the stakes rose, the cause broiled itself into a tsunami that breached the walls of CenturyLink Field and swept across greater Seattle. Fair-weathers everywhere, their capacity to emote no less than that of the diehards. My dad reported that during his trip to the grocery store the day before the Super Bowl, “every woman from age 5 to 85 was wearing a Seahawks jersey.”

The 12th Man isn’t an expression of tradition. It’s an expression of a civic pride Seattle never before knew it had.

The morning after the failed attempt to watch the Super Bowl, we went on a game drive in Lake Nakuru National Park. As the rest of Team Kenya Safari clutched their binoculars and scanned the horizon for rhinos, I laid despondent and wistful in the backseat, my mind elsewhere. I wasn’t thinking about the highlights I’d ended up watching on repeat the night before, or the Seahawk players who had fulfilled their lifelong dream of winning a Super Bowl. I thought about Larson Gunnarsson and company going buckwild in New York. I thought about the 700,000 Seattleites who turned out for the victory parade.

When a team wins a championship, how much ownership can fans claim? They exist on the same emotional plane as the players. But unlike fans, players both participate in and bear witness to greatness. The role of the fans is ambiguous and peripheral, no matter how intense their fervor. If fans lay dubious claim to the real trophy, they at least can claim a parallel simulacrum of a trophy and pass it around amongst themselves. A fan isn’t on a journey with the players – he’s on a journey with other fans. The players aren’t his brothers — the fans are.

Watching the Seahawks has been a reliable source of emotional and existential purpose for me over the years. If my reaction to them winning the Super Bowl by a score of 43-8 is any indication, sharing the viewing experience with others, however remotely, must be meaningful. When I watch a Seahawks game alone in my New York apartment, I am not Bear Grylls, self-sufficient in a wilderness of degenerate Patriots, Giants, and Jets fans. I am occupying the same psychic space as other Seahawk fans watching the game same as me. If Andrew, Mom, and I had been able to watch Super Bowl XLVIII, it’s not as if we would have been the only three Seahawk fans on Earth. Through time and space we would have rode with the 12th Man.

“It’s Not Just About Sports”

by

Frankie Pavia

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life Sports

Feb 19, 2014


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I was still in a bit of a stupor the morning after the Super Bowl. Actually I was completely delirious. My voice was hoarse from screaming Richard Sherman quotes at passersby after the game. A Seattle team was world champions, in the most convincing fashion imaginable, and I wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself. I drunkenly stumbled around in a snowstorm at 10:30 AM trying to decide whether I was in any state capable of going to work. I then got an email from Sunil Gulati, co-instructor of the course I TA, saying that Casey Ichniowski had suddenly passed away.

When I arrived at Columbia three years ago, sports were everything. Growing up, my dream was to become a sportswriter. My friends and I started a copyright-infringing paper called “Fox Sports World” in second grade. I had written for my high school newspaper, a local sports blog, and a national NBA scouting website. The path to becoming a sports journalist was clear, bordered by lush vegetation and the scent of fresh flowers. A dense fog obscured all other paths.

The sports path became even more enticing my freshman year when I got a job with Casey Ichniowski, a labor economist and professor at the Columbia Business School. I began working as a research assistant on two projects. The first project sought to quantify the effect a player’s March Madness performance had on where he would be picked in the NBA Draft. The second project sought to establish whether star players on relatively weak national soccer teams made their teammates better.

Of course, I was just excited to be doing research on sports. My goals at this point were shifting from journalism to the front office – to be general manager of a sports team. I tried to shift my academic interests towards advancing that end. There was just one problem – I simply did not enjoy economics classes. During my sophomore year it became readily apparent that my academic passion was earth science, not anything related to sports.

My meetings with Casey became more frequent during that year as the paper about March Madness approached completion. In early March, the paper was submitted and released to positive reviews from fellow economists, but a tepid response from those in the basketball industry. I relayed some of the negative comments from basketball writers and scouts the next time I met Casey and received a surprising response.

He told me, “It’s not just about sports.” He explained what I’d known all along, but never truly grasped about the basketball and soccer projects I’d worked on – the research was about something bigger. Sports were just a medium Casey used to answer fundamental questions about labor economics. In the basketball paper he found that executives use rational decision-making processes when evaluating employees. In the soccer paper he found that peer effects are hugely important in the workplace, that “Hiring high talent workers has spillover effects.”

Casey and I, it turns out, had blazed similar paths. Our athletic careers ended in high school, but our love for sports never waned. Our academic interests deviated from sports, but we kept them in our lives nonetheless. The past two years, Casey and I worked together to develop a sports management course for MBA students at Columbia. The first edition of the class, last spring, was a success, though an incredible amount of work. We met every week, sometimes getting distracted and talking about sports, sometimes rigorously planning our next steps to improve the course. No two meetings were the same – the only constants were his impeccably groomed mustache, thirty years in the making, and the fuss of hair that migrated from on top of his head to the front no matter how often he fixed it.

At that point, Casey and I were the only remaining members of the sports group that had once bustled with undergraduate research assistants. The course we were planning was six years in the making, but had never gotten off the ground. I like to think the class finally happened because Casey wanted to keep sports an active part of his life. His children had all entered college; his time coaching youth sports was over. The basketball and soccer projects had mostly concluded. The course was the link back to what he loved so much. It was certainly that way for me – working on my thesis in oceanography, spending almost all my time in the lab, meeting with Casey in his office was my escape back to my purest love.

The course was off to a strong start this semester. With a year of experience and improvements under our belts, the first class went swimmingly. It seemed that Casey, Professor Gulati, and I had created an exceptional class. Then Professor Gulati’s email came, Casey was gone from our lives, and my world had been jolted into disequilibrium. The week after the Super Bowl was extraordinarily difficult. I struggled to balance the exuberance of winning the Super Bowl with the sorrow of losing one of my closest mentors.

I attended Casey’s funeral the Saturday after the Super Bowl to pay my respects. Casey was always there for me – he talked me about my academic path, my career goals, and my general interests. He was the first person I talked to about my mom receiving chemotherapy, the first person to give me perspective and hope about the situation. We talked about our families a lot. I had only met his wife and one of his children briefly, but Casey made me feel like a member of his family, and I tried to make him feel like part of mine.

“It’s not just about sports” is the most important advice I have ever received in my life. It drove me to seek out a path in earth science, which provides fulfillment in a way sports never could. I could have easily followed the first path presented to me and worked for a sports team, with the highest priority making an owner more money – even winning is simply a conduit for that. But Casey helped me see that there was more to the world than that – that I could make a bigger impact somewhere else and still be just as passionate.

The course was how we both connected back to the sports world. It was a bond we shared that was forged by our mutual love for it. The course is continuing on after Casey’s death, with Casey, as Professor Gulati eloquently put it, “working remotely.”

At his funeral, I listened to speaker after speaker share their memories with Casey. Everyone in his life relished the moments they spent sharing their love of sports with him, how strong a connection they were able to develop over that one topic.  I thought about how excited I’d been to talk about the Super Bowl with him, for him to share my joy in the Seahawks winning, to hear him talk about the greatest sports teams of his lifetime.

The week after the Super Bowl, my greatest joys, my favorite moments, came from watching the videos of Seahawks celebrating afterwards. Seattle fans felt personal, emotional connections to the individual players in a way I have never seen before in sports. We danced to Bay Area rap with Marshawn Lynch. We screamed at opposing fans with Richard Sherman. We got chills every time Pete Carroll referenced the impeccable connection the players had with “The 12s” in locker room speeches because we knew it was true. I was unable to share my joy with Casey, but I could share it with the team itself – I coped with Casey’s loss by watching and rewatching the Sound F/X videos of Seahawks players mic’d up during the games. I’ve listened to the same song Marshawn listened to in the locker room, Philthy Rich’s Ready to Ride Remix, hundreds of times on repeat. Doing these things created abstract tie points in my life chronology that connect otherwise disparate events – they allowed the joy of winning the Super Bowl to spill over and counteract the sorrow of losing one of my mentors and idols.

Casey’s mantra “It’s not just about sports” never rang truer than during these moments after the game. I was excited that the Seahawks had won the Super Bowl because I wanted to share my happiness with all my friends, with the Seahawks players, with all my fellow Seahawks supporters, and with everyone who knew the joy that a Super Bowl win would bring Seattle fans. Sports do have true value. It’s not just about sports – it’s about the people who share your experiences with, the community of fans, players and sports lovers around you, and there is nothing greater than that.

The Last Contest: Hanging With the Big Dogs at the 2013 Putnam Math Competition

by

Zach Wener-Fligner

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life Sports

Jan 26, 2014


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Harvard University junior Evan O’Dorney’s first math contest was the Go Figure Math Challenge, a kitschy sort of competition for New Mexico high schoolers that O’Dorney took when he was in the “threeth” grade, as he says with a giggle. The contest organizers had never had such a young competitor, and when O’Dorney earned an honorable mention they printed him a certificate with the wrong ordinal suffix: three-t-h.

The Go Figure challenge was the first swing of little league for O’Dorney, a Bo Jackson of scholastic competition. He won the Scripps National Spelling Bee in 2007–gaining Internet notoriety for an awkward interview with former CNN anchor Kiran Chetry that now tops 400,000 YouTube views–and the Intel National Science Fair in 2011 for devising a new formula for approximating square roots. In Spain, Germany, Kazakhstan and the Netherlands, he competed on the six-person U.S. team in the annual International Math Olympiad (IMO), the definitive world math championship for high school kids. At Kazakhstan in 2010, his junior year of high school, he placed second.

“The problems were favorable to me that year,” he says. “For some reason I just wrote down the junk I thought of and it was almost a solution.”

“He’s a legendary competitor,” says Ben Gunby.“I feel like I would have to be an encyclopedia to remember all of his accomplishments.” Gunby is no slouch himself. He was on the United States IMO team with O’Dorney in Kazakhstan and in the Netherlands the following year, when Gunby placed 14th in the world. He would have likely competed the next year, too, but he left high school after his junior year to attend MIT.

There is Mitchell Lee, Gunby’s college roommate last year, who was on the U.S. team in the Netherlands and the following year in Argentina–like Gunby, he left high school a year early after MIT accepted him, but spent a year doing math research rather than matriculating immediately.

And then there is Zipei Nei, another MIT junior, a Shanghai native who competed exactly once in the Olympiad, on the venerable Chinese team–“When China doesn’t win you figure there’s something fishy about the way the problems were written,” O’Dorney says. That one time was 2010 in Kazakhstan, the year that O’Dorney scored a remarkable 39 out of a possible 42 points for second in the world. Nei scored a perfect 42 out of 42.

These Cantabrigians whiz kids are the four returning Fellows of the William Lowell Putnam Mathematics Competition, the only high-profile collegiate math contest in the United States. The fifth Fellow, another IMO alumnus named Eric Larson, graduated from Harvard and is now in a math doctorate program at MIT.

In some ways, the list of Putnam high-scorers since the test’s inception in 1938 is a Who’s Who of influential American scientific academics. There are winners of the Fields Medal and Abel Priz–math’s versions of the Nobel prize–MacArthur Geniuses, actual Nobel laureates, and a whole lot of award-winning professors at top-tier Institutions. Richard Feynman, the dazzling Nobel prize-winning physicist, was a fellow in the test’s second year; John Nash, a famed Economics laureate whose story is told in “A Beautiful Mind” was never a fellow, but placed in the second five, as did Eric Lander, MIT biology professor and Director of the Broad Institute, an international genomic powerhouse.

But Putnam competitors are, after all, just college students, and their futures are uncertain and malleable. Many go on to pursue academic careers in math or in related fields like physics, computer science or economics. But others pursue completely different tracks, perhaps disenchanted with the world of academia where, unlike the contests they’ve so long excelled at, there is no way to be number one. The most notable is Reid Barton, a four-time IMO competitor who became one of only eight people to have won the Putnam exam four times. (Like NCAA athletics, one only gets four shots at the Putnam, although there is no lower age bound; Arthur Rubin, another four-time winner, became Fellow for the first time at age 14.) After graduating from MIT, Barton spent four years in math doctorate program at Harvard before abandoning the program. He now works for Renaissance Technologies, one of the world’s most successful hedge fund firms.

There’s also a team aspect to the competition. Harvard is the New York Yankees, with 29 victories out of 74 contests. But the scoring rules are unintuitive: schools must designate a three-person team in advance, and no other students can score points. Last year, MIT should have won, having supplied three out of five fellows. But because the three Fellows were not the three team members, the MIT team took second.

The Putnam is the most prestigious competition that no one notices. It is the denouement to the story of ambitious American mathletes that starts in middle school and climaxes with the International Olympiads. Part of the obscurity is due to formatting: the middle school national championship, known as MathCounts, culminates in a dramatic head-to-head showdown between two pubescent competitors racing to buzz and answer. In high school (and even before, for a precocious few), there is a cutthroat hierarchy of tests and nine-hour-day training programs to pick the American team for the IMO. In contrast, anyone can show up and take the Putnam.

At the IMO, results are announced on-site. Putnam tests are shipped off to be graded, with the results released online sometime in March, some three months after the test date in early December. MathCounts champions and the U.S. IMO team members often meet the President and are interviewed on major news channels. Putnam Fellows might get a write-up in a campus publication and a congratulatory dinner sponsored by their University’s math department.

Especially among the more experienced competitors, there’s also a sense of boredom with the contests they’ve spent so much energy training for over the years. But the boredom doesn’t trump the desire to perform.

“I don’t know anyone who genuinely prepares for the Putnam,” says Gunby. “But still, it’s nice to do well. I’m not going to say I don’t care at all about it.”

“It’s not hard to be a Fellow,” says O’Dorney, somehow simultaneously understated and cocky. “It’s a natural part of maturing to place less weight on these contests.”

Abhinav Kumar, an MIT professor who teaches a freshman seminar with professor Henry Cohn to prepare students for the competition, says that apart from his class, Putnam contestants typically start studying a week before. He understands the jadedness as a competitor on the Indian IMO team and a two-time Putnam fellow himself. “When I took my last Putnam, I was glad I wasn’t going to take any more,” he says.

This is, of course, pragmatic. Real contributions to the body of mathematics come from dealing with big questions that might take months or years to solve, not tricky problems that take an afternoon. Moreover, as Cohn says, “Ultimately math is broad and lots of things are intrinsically valuable.” For mature mathematicians, competitions don’t really make sense—there can’t be a Michael Jordan in math.

But at least for the Putnam, the smartest kids in the country keep coming back.

The 74th William Lowell Putnam Mathematics Competition is on December 5, 2013, a brilliantly clear and bitterly cold day in Cambridge. The weather is inconsequential to contestants—all told, the Putnam is an eight-hour ordeal, with three hours to do six questions in the morning, a two-hour lunch break, and three hours to do six more questions in the afternoon. In the Walker Memorial building on the Massachusetts Institute of Technology campus, 200-plus undergraduates mill about the third-floor basketball court that for years has been used only as an exam room: fold-out chairs and tables now permanently line the gym floor.

Some students stand in a line that leads up to tables at the front of the room, where Cohn, Kumar, and other administrators hand out manila packets for the morning session. Others carve out space at one of the many desks, drinking Dunkin Donuts coffees and Snapple and eating bagels and granola bars. Bedhead is the coif en vogue. Couture slants heavily towards t-shirts commemorating math contests or printed with the names of technology companies. The large windows drench the gymnasium with morning sunlight, hinting at the winter air outside.

The MIT team of Gunby, Lee and Nei is here. Gunby looks energetic, like he went through with his plan to “try to actually get some sleep, unlike last year.” Two high-profile freshman newcomers are also here: David Yang and Bobby Shen, linked as IMO teammates in Argentina but also because back in eighth grade, Shen defeated Yang for the MathCounts title in dramatic fashion when Yang buzzed for the final question first, but was unable to answer within the allotted three seconds. Both could score highly, threatening the MIT team’s optimal performance. In recent years, MIT has dominated the individual portion of the competition—last year, 12 out of the top 25 performers were from the Institute—but pick their three team members notoriously poorly, often missing out on a potential victory.

Up the road, it’s largely the same story. Harvard’s team is O’Dorney, plus two students named Allen Yuan and Octav Dragoi. Harvard also has a star freshman in Calvin Deng, who competed at IMO three times.

The test proctors are stressed and rushing–it’s fifteen minutes shy of the official 10 a.m. start time and most students still don’t have their test packets. Cohn urges students to streamline the process by looking up their registration numbers from a sign posted on the wall of the gymnasium: “it’s a number between one and infinity.” The logistical problems encountered at MIT are relatively unique–with 212 pre-registered students and a crowd of waitlisted stragglers, MIT will supply the most test-takers by far. In 2012, 4,277 students from 402 schools took the test–just over 10 students per school, on average.

In line for test packets, students’ moods are lighter, the sound of pre-contest banter echoing throughout the gym.

“Last Putnam ever.”

“Last math contest ever.”

“If I wrote down the wrong ID number I’d probably get a higher score.”

“Yeah, if it was Ben Gunby’s number.”

“Or Bobby Shen’s number.”

“…it’s a problem of a social nature, therefore by definition no one in this room can solve it.”

One by one, we check in with the registration table, get our packets, and find seats. I take a table near the back of the room–in the spirit of full disclosure, I am an MIT math major whose last competitive math experience was placing second in a fifth grade regional prelim of a Washington state contest called “Math Is Cool”. I am comforted by the fact that the median score is, in Cohn’s words, “a small single digit number out of 120.” For mathematical mortals, there is no way to bomb the Putnam: if you get zero, you are average.

One large chalkboard behind the proctor’s table loudly proclaims the rules: “No books, slide rules, notes, paper not supplied by us, calculators, computers, ETC.” Another says that there are 180 minutes left. And then Cohn gives the go ahead, and two hundred tests rustle out of two hundred manila envelopes, and we begin.

The first question asks the competitor to recall that a regular icosahedron is a convex polyhedron having 12 vertices and 20 faces–a Dungeons & Dragons die. It is helpful that the Mathematics Association of America logo, which so happens to be an icosahedron, is depicted at the top of each page. This was likely not overlooked by the test’s authors, a rotating group of three mathematicians from different institutions–Bruce Reznick, who has composed problems for the Putnam, wrote that “It used to be said that a Broadway musical was a success if the audience left whistling the tunes. I want to see contestants leave the Putnam whistling the problems. They should be vivid and striking enough to be shared with roommates and teachers.”

Assisted by the MAA picture, I write down a solution. Each six-problem set is roughly ascending in difficulty–being able to solve the first problem is little solace for the rest of the test.

The room fills with the white noise of writing and fidgeting, occasionally cut by the shearing sound of the electric pencil sharpener at the front of the room. Thumbs twiddle and knees bounce. At least one kid is asleep. There are fewer than five girls in the room (three girls have been Putnam Fellows a total of four times, all since 1996). One boy folds his hand in a complex shape and holds them in front of his eyes, squinting, a bagel hanging from his mouth.

Cohn keeps track of the time, erasing and rewriting the number on the chalkboard at 30 minute intervals and then more frequently until it says five, two, one, and then calls pencils down. I turn in problem one and a partial answer for problem two for which I’ll assuredly receive zero points.

William Lowell Putnam, was a banker, lawyer and member of the Lowell family, a clan of old money Bostonians with close Harvard ties. Putnam, a Harvard man himself, laid the foundation for the contest in an article published in a 1921 issue of the Harvard Graduates’ Magazine, two years before his death. “It seems probable that the competition which has inspired young men to undertake and undergo so much for the sake of athletic victories might accomplish some results in academic fields,” he wrote, lamenting, “All rewards for scholarship are strictly individual… Little appeal is made to high ideals or unselfish motives.”

In 1927, Putnam’s wife and third cousin Elizabeth Lowell Putnam set up the William Lowell Putnam Memorial Fund to carry out the idea. But a 1928 English literary contest between Harvard and Yale (Harvard won) was never repeated.

The competitive fire was relit after a 46-0 slaughter of the Harvard football team at the hands of Army in 1932. After the fray, Abbot Lawrence Lowell, Elizabeth’s brother and the President of Harvard at the time, remarked that while the Army had proven they “could trounce Harvard in football, Harvard could just as easily win any contest of a more academic nature.”

The gauntlet had been thrown down. A mathematics competition between the two schools was planned for the spring of 1933 at West Point, sponsored by Elizabeth Lowell Putnam. Herbert Robbins, a Harvard competitor who would become one of the most notable American mathematicians of the 20th century, wrote later that “it was assumed that our Harvard intellects would easily carry the day.” Robbins found the problems “rather cut and dried,” and remarked that “the highlight of the weekend for me was a date Saturday night in New York City with a girl I had met the previous summer.” In contrast, the cadets trained rigorously twice a week. When all was said and done, Harvard again was stymied. The New York Times headline read that “Army ‘Mathletes’ Defeat Harvard 98-112; Cadet Smith is First in Calculus Affray.”

Lowell’s retirement from the Harvard presidency and Elizabeth’s deteriorating health prevented the repetition of the West Point-Harvard contest. But the seed had been planted. After Elizabeth’s death in 1935, her sons George and August Lowell Putnam took control of their father’s Memorial Fund. Collaborating with George Birkhoff, the head of the Harvard Mathematics Department, they set up the first nationwide Putnam Math Competition in 1938, attracting 163 competitors from 42 colleges.

MIT caters lunch for all contestants in another building, so the Putnam crowd migrates across campus. As soon as the tests are turned in, the gossip starts.

“I wanted to use the intermediate value theorem but it just wasn’t happening.”

“Number three seemed like something I could solve. But not today.”

“You had to assume finiteness.”

“Did you really?”

“Yes, in my proof.”

“Well your proof sucked!”

“I like my way, because now I can say I used the Pigeonhole Principal on every problem except number two.”

Gunby tells me the big story is Wang, the freshman, who got every problem in the first half. When I head back to the test room in Walker early, I find Nei and ask him how the test went.

“I got five problems,” he tells me. “One, two, three, four, and five.”

The second session is more subdued and more students turn in their tests early and leave. Boston winter means that before the test is half finished, the sun has set and the only light comes from the gym’s fluorescent lamps. When Cohn calls time, it seems that everyone is ready to be done doing math for the day.

Rumor has it David Yang, a freshman at MIT, solved 11 out of 12 problems for a total of 110 points–if accurate, a stupefyingly high score. That would mean a sure Fellow spot for Yang and that MIT had shot itself in the foot again, from a team standpoint. According to Gunby, he, Nei, and Lee–the official MIT team–solved 7, 9, and 10 problems respectively, which would likely be enough to win first place. A smattering of others from MIT answered 7 or 8 problems. Gunby is disappointed with his performance, but hopes he can still pull off top 15.

Up the road at Harvard, O’Dorney figures himself a score of 101–another sure Fellow slot. Another team member, Allen Yuan, estimates 40 for himself, “meaning our team picking skills have gotten as bad as MIT’s,” O’Dorney says.

Of course, it’s tough to know for sure. One year, O’Dorney scored himself at 110 and was given 87. The next year, he graded himself at 80 and instead scored a 91.

Really, all they can do is wait for the day in March when the five new Fellows are published—five new feathers in five already-well-plumaged caps—and the rest of us can look on and wonder whether we’re witnessing a mental giant with the power to redraw the borders of human knowledge, or a kid who did well on a math test.

Pound of Rice in the Trash Can: Andrew Does the Dishes

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life Travel

Nov 24, 2013


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For three days now, a pile of honey-glazed carrots has sat on the table in the middle of my flat. It lies amongst the various fruits of my labor; to its right, yesterday’s cornflakes, by now stuck hard and fast to the bowl; to its left, a plate dyed brown from old stir fry, surrounded by a halo of rice grains that went overboard during the eating process. At the tables edge, an apple core browns; at its opposite, a banana peel blackens.

I’m living alone for the first time and I’m learning to cook. Bean and cheese quesadilla, microwaved to perfection and lathered with taco sauce has always been my specialty, but I’ve always wanted to expand on that and this is clearly my chance. I’ve been working on the fundamentals. I’ve developed two basic pastas, one with smoked salmon and onions, and the other with tomato sauce and onions; the ratio of my oil and vinegar salad dressing is slowly but surely oscillating closer and closer to the golden ratio; now when making my rice, I only need to consult Google once, max twice, for clarification. Poco a poco, they say.

The first thing I did when I moved into my flat was go grocery shopping. In the glory days of my youth, I loved grocery shopping with my mom. It was exhilarating, a rare taste of the wild-world of adulthood. Often, I would veer off, make-believe that I was doing the shopping for a family of my own, that I was the adult. For a few moments, all took on a surreal incandescence and the world expanded around me and I was in command; then something – maybe the sudden burst of the vegetable sprinklers upon my hand – would snap me out of the lull, and I’d remember that my real familial duty was to make sure mom got the right flavor of Goldfish.

As the doors of Mercadona parted before me, I laughed as I reminisced of this more innocent time. High school was done; now I was in Granada, the real world. I was an adult.

The carts at Mercadona are chained together, and in order to take one, you need to put a euro into a slot. Of course, when you return the cart, you get your euro back, but I didn’t know that and thought it a shameless and gratuitous money-grab by the Mercadona ownership. “Baloney!” I thought, and in a solitary gesture of rebellion, I instead took a basket to carry my months’ worth of food.

I didn’t have a list, but I got the things that I figured normal adults get. Oil, garlic, candles (I wasn’t content with my flat’s feng shui), that type of thing

Not wanting to only buy the “cheap stuff” and thus set a sorry precedent in my initial foray into real life, I instead opted for the middle-priced brands. I got almost no pre-prepared food, nothing even in a can. Everything was fresh and middle-high end. “You are what you eat,” I thought.

Three grocery bags to an arm, I strolled up the hill into the Albaycin, the old town where I live. There was not a single piece of dog shit on the cobblestone, and the cool mountain air whispered through the Darro valley below.

The kitchen in which the magic happens is illuminated by a single uncovered stale-white light bulb. There is an electric stove with two burners, placed just close enough together that it’s only possible to use one at a time. There is also a sink and an eight by eight inch area in which I cut and stir. I don’t like to do the dishes, so usually I have a couple days’ worth of crusty food and greasy plates stacked about as well.

At first I kept matters simple. Day one: basic pasta. Day two: chicken and rice. But these felt childish, immature, reminiscent of the youth I once was, and not befitting of the adult I had become. Day three, I got serious. My ambitions unfurled.

As a rule, Spanish food is quite mediocre. However, Pilar, the mother in the host family with which I lived my first month in Granada – she made some of the dank-a-dank.

My favorite dish of Pilar’s is called tortilla de patatas; it’s essentially a big pie of eggs and potatoes and whatever else you might want to throw in. She’d shown me her techniques, so I had an idea of the process, but now the training wheels were off.

In the first attempt, I made a rash judgment as to the status of the eggs, so when the crucial moment came – the flip of the pie – a molten liquid mush flew from the pan, to my wrist, to the burner, where I could only watch as it sizzled to the plump consistency for which the recipe originally called.

For my second effort a few nights later, I over-compensated, leaving the eggs on the burner too long, and again it was during the flip when all went awry; they stuck to the pan and smoldered, choking the kitchen with smoke. The next morning, my friendly Australian neighbor Susan asked me if I’d smelled something funny the night before. “A short circuit in this old Spanish wiring,” she supposed.

Recently, finally, third try, my tortilla de patatas landed intact onto my plate. A bonafide adult, I enjoyed it with steamed asparagus and a couple glasses of the La Atalaya that Susan left to me. If I’ve retained anything from her teachings, I would say it was a middle-palate wine with a Galician terroir. For the hors d’oeuvre, I had freshly baked bread and a garlic oil vinaigrette in which to dip it. For dessert, I had chocolate pudding. The next day, emboldened by my triumph, I thought I’d do something “out there” for lunch. I checked my All Recipes app for ideas, and sure enough, the very first meal on the day’s front-page beckoned. Even through the scratches on the iPhone screen, the honey-glazed carrots sparkled like a summertime lake.

It struck me as the type of thing only an exceptionally mature person would make for lunch. It sounded sexy too. “If I can make honey-glazed carrots that look like that,” I thought, “its game over for the chicas.”

I steamed my carrots; I melted my butter; I mixed my honey and lemon. I cut and I poured and I stirred and I watched and slowly, slowly, steadily, the glaze, the wonderful glaze, it claimed my carrots. There they were, sizzling away, wind through a forest of oaks. Just as it began to seem as though the carrots were themselves producing the light of which they merely reflected, that some kind of fission was taking place deep within their core, the mid-afternoon Granadine sun did pour forth through my windows and onto the table at which I would enjoy my creation. I scooped the carrots onto my plate, and walked them into to the light. Their glow intensified still. A pure, uncut pride enveloped me as I grasped my fork and stabbed this validation of my profound competence as a human being in this world, my maturity, my undeniable adulthood.

Then the sprinklers turned on.

Not even the most youthful of imaginations would be able to reconcile this urgent message of my senses with what my mind had been feeling just moments before. Empirical reality ain’t got time for make-believe.

My honey-glazed carrots were not the worst thing I’d ever eaten. The taste was somewhere between a fermented grape and candied yam caked in salt. I had two bites, and tried to convince myself that there were redeeming qualities yet, but when my body literally would not permit a third, I knew I was only kidding myself. I slumped down in my chair; I pushed my honey glazed carrots away in disgust; I got up to make myself a sandwich.

Three days later, appearance is now somewhat more aligned with reality. The carrots have shriveled and lost their shine; they look like apricots except with a more potent orange, like the color of a traffic cone. They are still soggy to the touch; they feel a lot like how I’d imagine an ear drum would.

I’m not sure why I haven’t thrown them away yet. They don’t smell bad or anything, but I’m pretty sure I’m not going to eat them, and I don’t think they’d impress a chica to the degree that I’d initially hoped. Perhaps it’s my heroic aversion to wastefulness; perhaps it’s that for a brief moment, I saw in their concept an idealized vision of my future self; perhaps it’s because my trash can is already overflowing and I’m too lazy to empty it.

Maybe I’m not yet ready for honey glazed carrots. That’s fine by me; I suppose you can’t rush the learning process. For now, it’s to the Pescaderia, where I’ll spend five minutes angrily insisting that I’m saying salmon, and not jamon; then it’s back through the Albaycin, where I’ll step in dog shit while admiring the first-snow atop the soft peaks of the Sierra Nevada; then it’s to the kitchen, where I’ll clean up the old dishes, put on some Govi, and set to work, imagination gone wild, determined to cut my garlic finer than ever; then it’s to the table, where I´ll take a bite, and the memories of mom’s mashed potatoes will boil up and spill over like my pasta always does, and I’ll wonder why I’d ever wanted to make anything more than a bean and cheese quesadilla, microwaved to perfection and lathered with taco sauce.

The Action Bronson Diaries: Epicurus the Homie

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life

Nov 20, 2013


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Laid back, eating smoked veal – Action Bronson

Action Bronson does this thing at his shows where he invites a girl up on stage, throws her over his shoulder like a mink coat, and keeps on rapping without missing a beat. A couple weeks ago, a story came out that he invited some 17-year old girl up on stage at a show, threw her over his shoulder like a mink coat, and dropped her on her head and paralyzed her.

It all turned out to be fabricated, but for a few days everyone thought it was true. After that got cleared up, I kept thinking about the moment before he allegedly dropped her on her head, and how stoked the two of them must have been at the time. He was living his dream, probably, of literally objectifying a woman as thousands cheered him on. She was getting quite a thrill herself, probably, becoming the life of the party all of the sudden, draped over the shoulder of the fattest rapper alive as thousands cheered her on.

——————–

Recently, a friend posted a Facebook link to his food blog, called “Gustatory Epicureanism”. Epicureanism! I did not know what it meant, but I knew instinctively that it belonged in my word bank. Not unlike a third-grader sprinting home from the bus stop, his bladder a ticking time bomb, I raced to Google Docs, found the starred file ‘Word Bank’, and stowed it safely there, never to be forgotten. Epicureanism.

I’m a pretty huge fan of my word bank. Everyone should have a word bank. You should have a word bank. It’s easy. And fun! Here are a few from mine to get you started: Perambulate. Titillate. Whet. Loins. Etc. You get the idea.

Some words are just fucking awesome. I didn’t know what Epicureanism meant. But I could tell, it had steez. It just emanated this ineffable steez. The way it hit the eardrum. The way it rolled off the tongue. The way it formed a unique geography on the page. Epicureanism.

The best words are poems. The best words are songs. The best words are portals into other galaxies. When used at such an angle, perhaps in conjunction with an unexpected turn of phrase, the best words set off fireworks. With the best words, the abstract sensory experience aligns seamlessly with the definition, almost like an onomatopoeia.

According to Wikipedia, Epicureanism is a philosophical system formed in the days of the Roman Republic by a dude named Epicurus. Pleasure is the greatest good, he said, in that great wise voice of his. Go forth and seek pleasure, but not out of desire. Find tranquility in moderation. Do not fear the gods, he said. Do not fear death.

It’s like you’re a squirrel and you come across a rather handsome walnut. You can’t say for certain whether or not this nut will nourish you. You just know in your heart of hearts that you ought to stash it away for later. It’s just lying there, all dusty and effervescent. Soon, before you know it, you’re sitting on 175 of the finest nuts you’ve ever seen. And the best part is, YOU are the supreme ruler of your nut kingdom. They’re not just anybody’s nuts. They are YOUR nuts, even when your body has turned to dust, when the last stone vestige of civilization has crumbled into the sea.

—————–

About a month ago, before my lifestyle took a turn for the Epicurean, before Action Bronson allegedly dropped anyone on their head, I attended a Halloween party in a half-assed Action Bronson costume, in which I dyed a big pirate beard with water-soluble orange hairspray and wore my prized 3XL shirt. “THA REASON RECORDS: WHAT IT IS,” the shirt said.

A gaggle of older females dominated the party. Most of them were engaged, and didn’t have the slightest idea who Action Bronson was. Over in the corner of the living room stood a dude dressed to the nines with a voluminous white beard and tall hat, his face obscured by thick, wrinkly makeup.

I nudged my friend Manter. “Who do you think he’s dressed up as?”

“She. It’s a girl,” Manter said, and he left to apply his cat facepaint in the bathroom.

Intrigued, I went over to test Manter’s theory.

He was correct. The person of interest was in fact a girl. She was dressed as Charles Darwin. I forget her name now, somehow. She spoke gently, with a vague accent, though her English was immaculate. I asked her where she was from. Albania, she said. This nearly made me cry with joy, because Action Bronson was Albanian! She nodded sagely and played with my beard.

Even in the US, it always seems to be the Europeans that come up with the most creative costumes. I guess when you learn a second language, you are forced to give up the notion that you and your people are at the center of the universe. You expand your mind, and the world seems wondrous again. You gain the capacity to converse on end with anyone, even a simple jack like myself, as well as the ability to dress up in a totally kick-ass, unsexy Halloween costume.

Which of course only made her hotter. Her whole face was deformed, except for her eyes. Long lashes and big shining green orbs wide with awe, straight out of a Japanese manga.

We chatted onward for an hour, maybe more. I, Action Bronson, the charming rogue, she, Charles Darwin, the intrepid natural historian. We, brought together by fate. We, united by our beards, but also by the view that life can be reduced to the struggle for survival in a cold, indifferent mother nature, the singular goal to pass along our genes like our ancestors had before us ever since they were single-celled amoeba, the belief that if there is one thing worth consecrating, it is procreation, and its requisite act, coitus.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, that one guy with level 150 zombie makeup came over and eskimo kissed her arm and smooched her gnarled cheek. My heart crumpled into a sorry heap on the floor. She introduced the two of us. He was her husband from Albania. He smiled broadly as we shook hands. We exchanged niceties for a few minutes, but that was all I could handle. The worst part was, he was super cool. He LOVED Action Bronson!

Distraught, I joined Manter on the couch. The gaggle of older females staged a coup of the iPod and led off a streak of putrid song selection with Party in the USA. As they danced the night away, Manter and I sat there and debated the merits of the big butt, for which Manter expressed zero affection whatsoever. “Flapjacks for life,” he said.

Soon it was time to leave. I bade Albania girl adieu. She gave me a big hug. On my way out I tapped the host of the party on the shoulder. “How do you know Albania girl?” I asked.

She shrugged. “No idea. She just showed up.”

———–

As we speak, my word bank is tucked away up in the Cloud. I used to think the Cloud was corny and strictly for moms who couldn’t deal with an external hard drive. Now I am all about the Cloud. I am a proud mom. The Cloud is omnipresent. It is everywhere. It is at the subway stop. It is at Trader Joe’s. It is in Bangkok. With the Cloud at my side, I am practically immortal.

I hate to be a hoarder. Things that might be useful later for posterity — awesome T-shirts, essays from college — I pick them up and tomahawk slam them in the trash. This word bank, which I started a couple years ago, appears to be something worth keeping. It’s something I’ve cultivated and curated over time, it’s a vehicle for discovery. It’s a part of who I am.

Me and Albania girl, we had a rip-roaring good time, but a lot of it was in my head. She was one of a kind. I still think about her. It’s hard to say where reality stopped and fantasy started.

It is true that the arrival of her husband made me temporarily depressed, but I’m glad that I met her, because now I know I’m not some nihilist. It’s good to be open to loss, and bear its pain, in order to rise again.

The Latham Olympiad

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life Sports

Nov 04, 2013


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Day breaks hot and heavy in the Berkshires in August. Danger hangs over me like felt curtain. I lie on my back, eyes wide open. I see nothing, but hear everything. The hiss of air through bicycle spokes. The pitter-patter of old lady feet on sidewalk.

The crunch of tires on my gravel driveway.

It was Gurney.  Damn. I threw off the sheets and took the stairs three at a time. Tanabe and Ghosh were already sitting on the soft shabby couch. I joined them. We sat together, three residents of the yellow house on Latham Street.

The front door swung wide. In strode Gurney, he of the broad shoulders, band-iron arms, and clear blue eyes. A BB gun slung easily across his back. He turned to us. “You ready?”

I hesitated to respond. What could I say, after all? My entire life – 22 long years of manly sturm und drang – led directly to this moment. Was I ready? Hell no. But truly, are any of us ready when the white-hot sun bleaches away our pretense and scalds us to blindness? It did not matter. Today my chums and I would shake our fists at the sun and at each other. So I met Gurney’s gaze and offered up a solemn nod.

It was written then. There would be a People’s Olympiad. The Latham Olympiad.

Gurney returned my nod, nodding and smiling fiendishly and rubbing his palms together. He squeezed in on the couch amongst us. We shot the shit, chatted for a bit. Piled into Gurney’s Camry, rolled to Dunkin for fuel. Sausage, egg, and cheese in a biscuit – with its balance of carbohydrates, fat, and protein, a prerequisite for any respectable athletic performance.

The Dunkin sandwiches combined with the natural fragrance of Gurney’s Camry made for near-toxic levels of methane on the ride back to Latham. Nevertheless, morale was high, because each one of us believed victory, the goddess Nike incarnated in the form of a Maxim supermodel, would crown us at weekend’s end.

Tanabe was a superb athlete, probably the most dynamic of us four, though 35 pounds above his college wrestling weight. He believed he would win.

Gurney rested on his Anglo-Saxon laurels, he the heir of Hastings. He believed he would win.

Ghosh was a capricious fellow, a thoughtful, absent-minded English major one minute, a prolific, ungifted trash-talker the next. He was a longshot for the gold, although susceptible to occasional strokes of brilliance on the pick-up soccer pitch, and it was these sorts of moments on which his ego idled. He believed he would win.

I believed I would win because, I reasoned, that was the only way I could win. My fundamentals were sound, my hand-eye coordination keen, but my internal motor was unreliable, my outlook on life too Zen. If I truly craved victory – and I hoped that I did – I would have to measure my will not against itself but against my competitors. I dared not underestimate them. The battle would be fierce.

We pulled onto the gravel driveway and piled out. Time for business. We busted out the tape and scale and chose to each represent the country of our ancestors. It went something like this:

Tanabe — 5’4” / 168 / Japan.

Gurney — 5’9 / 175 / United Kingdom.

Ghosh — 5’6” / 130 / India.

Me — 6’ / 151 / Netherlands.

We suited up. We toasted to our camaraderie. We prostrated ourselves to the Supreme Being. We lit the flame.

The Latham Olympiad had begun.

DAY ONE

Why did the ancient Greeks hold the Olympiad? Why every four years did competitors flock to Olympia from as far as Macedon, seeking victory? I suppose they aspired to test the limits of the human body, to blur the line between human and god and perhaps to become heroes in Olympic lore. But victory would do more than earn them adulation or even eternal glory. Victory would affirm their self-worth. It would affirm the inherent goodness of their body and their will.

Javelin

Tanabe unsheathed his trusty blade and fashioned a javelin from a fallen tree branch in the backyard. It took an hour for us to get out the door. Ghosh was to blame. Eventually we made it down to the rugby pitch, the blades of grass arced in unison like sunflowers.

Four throws each. Tanabe seemed to have an intuitive understanding of trajectory, such that his throws traveled higher, farther, and even came to a satisfying end with the nose of the javelin embedded in the ground. He was a man among boys. I finished last. I was in fact battling a feisty case of the sniffles that day. But, no excuses, heart of a champion. I needed to rise above.

I peeled my shirt off and the wind descended into the valley between my pecs. I had put on a few pounds of muscle that summer working the hiking trails around town. It was true, I was the most jacked I had ever been.

Field Goal Challenge

I used to go to the nearby football field with my pop and brother to boot field goals.

In one of my fantasies about the past, I hit the squats the summer before sophomore year of high school and win the starting kicking job on the football team. We are not the best team, but in this particular game we are down two points to our rival in the waning seconds, with the ball in field goal territory. Coach takes our last timeout with three seconds left. The sky is pitch black, save for the full moon. The stadium rises to its feet. Droves of females scream at the top of their lungs. Coach pats me on the butt, I trot out under the lights, line up and nail a 43-yarder as time expires.

Three kicks each per round, each round the spot moves a few yards back. To no one’s surprise, Tanabe went shank city in the first round. Ghosh often fancied himself a regular Aguero but he soon joined Tanabe in shank city. And there I was, every kick splitting the uprights as sure as every summer the monsoon breathes life into the parched peaks of the Western Ghats. And though my success in the event was predetermined, and though the event was only a formality to weed out the reprobates, I welled with schaudenfreude when Gurney emitted a tormented cry as his last attempt thudded into the left upright and fell limp to the grass below.

Sprint Challenge

Three heats each, from midfield to the try line, then a final 100-meter showdown between the top two contestants. I averaged 5.71, followed by Ghosh at 5.98. Ghosh vs. Me, it would be. Meanwhile, Tanabe’s times wallowed in the 6.6 range. We were curious and looked back at the tape. Each heat he got off to a respectable start, but always appeared to reach top speed around twenty meters in, as if at that instant a parachute deployed from an invisible backpack.

Ghosh talked mess on the car ride up to the track. Claimed I’d been jumping the gun in the prelims. The truth was, I’d learned the key to a fast start by watching my favorite Olympian of all-time, the great Texan sprinter Michael Johnson. In the first ten meters he would keep his head down and take quick choppy strides to generate food speed, so that before long his gold shoes would be one circular blur.

High school cross-country girl runners took their warm-up laps as we sauntered towards the starting line, and the sexual tension was through the roof. Spurred by their presence, Ghosh got off to a brilliant start and edged me in 13.1 seconds. His triumph validated his mess-talk, the dorkiness of his victory jig a function of his euphoria.

Beer Mile

Two beers, four laps. The Day One Showcase Event! We made the mistake of buying PBR, which not only tastes fouler than Keystone but also weighs heavier in the stomach. How to fit in the beers among the laps? Gurney chose to crush a beer at the very start. Chucked the can and came around the first turn like Prefontaine. Having not run a proper mile since 8th grade, I was unsure how to pace myself, so I erred on the side of leisure and ended up cruising in second gear the whole race. A post-race look at the tape would reveal that I had dumped out the majority of my first beer onto the infield grass. Gurney would lap me and win easily in 7:30 — a dominating performance.

Full can and half a lap to go. The hot rubber burned holes in my soles. Ghosh ran a few steps ahead. I glanced across the track. Tanabe slowed as he reached the finish line. He cracked a PBR and took one delicate sip.

Suddenly Ghosh burst to life, flying past a peloton of XC girls and into the turn like a rogue caboose. Had he finished both his beers?  Despite the unsavory result of the 100-meter final, I found myself hoping that he had. Tanabe struck a contrapposto pose and nursed his PBR like a glass of scotch. With Ghosh thundering down the backstretch, he finally looked over his shoulder and started to chug. Go, Ghosh, Go!

Ghosh, across the finish line ahead of Tanabe! He raised his arms and assumed the prone position on the infield, rubbing his face in the grass, savoring every blade. Tanabe opted for the supine position, moaning with hands on forehead. Devastated. This gave me solace. What was worse – my honest indolence, or Tanabe’s complacency?

(Dinner)

Tired. We sojourned to Tony’s, the local Mexican spot. Like the Dunkin sandwich, the burrito covers all corners of the nutritional spectrum, but unlike the Dunkin sandwich, the burrito has a great deal of compassion, like a mother’s embrace. It is an end in and of itself, something you can always turn to when all seems wrong in the world.

Day One Standings

Gurney 23

Ghosh 20

Me 15

Tanabe 14

Though Gurney generally strives to the ideal of the Chill Bro, he occasionally lapses into moments of incredible intensity, as he demonstrated in the Beer Mile. Indeed, in college he played rugby, a sport of bloodlust. It conditions its participants to override their physiological impulses, and trains their inner animal like it would any tangible muscle.

And Ghosh. Ghosh!!! Ghosh. His finishing kick in the Beer Mile seemed not aroused by his inner animal, but rather inspired by some divine spirit. The result of the 100-meter final was a bit of a fluke, but now it seemed that it had been, simultaneously, not a fluke. Maybe Ghosh had constructed such a powerful visualization of how the race would transpire that he ran accordingly. To carry out his prophecy. To meet his destiny.

DAY TWO

The ancient Olympiad was held from the 8th century BC until the 4th century AD, when the Roman Emperor Constantine I condemned it a farcical pagan ritual. The modern Olympiad was resurrected in 1896 and has since become one of our civilization’s great spectacles, a platform for displays of sportsmanship, diplomacy, and athletic ability. There was one problem – the odds that one of my friends or I was skilled enough to qualify appeared slim, unless it be for the Paralympiad or the Special Olympiad.

The next morning, Tanabe and I went on a bacon/OJ run. As we ate on the couch, Gurney emerged from his slumber sporting a shiner above his right eye, apparently from an errant piñata swing the night before. Ghosh rested his temple on the bannister as he descended the stairs in his trademark briefs.

Biathlon

The biathlon was developed in 19th century Norway as an exercise for soldiers – they would ski across the Scandinavian taiga, stopping every few kilometers to shoot at designated targets. In our adaptation, we would run across the huge field behind the local high school with Gurney’s BB gun and take down three empty Four Lokos utilizing the three classic combat poses – standing, kneeling, prone. It took me twelve minutes to complete the course, a stressful experience such that I felt my ventricles unclench the moment I crossed the finish line.

It wasn’t all the running that did me in. It was the pressure of time. The crosshairs trembled in the scope, which aimed half a can to the right. I would pull the trigger and open my ears, praying for that cathartic ping, and either the ping came immediately and with it a deluge of dopamine to the head, or it never came but still I prayed that somewhere the latent echo ricocheted blindly, yearning to come home. With every miss, my confidence wavered, and by the transitive property so did my focus, until my brain left the scene entirely for its own self-preservation.

Tanabe clocked a time nearly ten times lower than mine. Didn’t miss a single shot. He clearly had a gift with the BB gun. He was a great cook too – if he wanted he could be a modern day Samwise Gamgee, living off the land with nothing but his pots, knife, rifle, and wits, hunting coneys.

Playground Obstacle Course

The final most daunting section was the traverse across the top bar of the swing set. Tanabe went first, and he shimmied across with style and ease. I went next, dangling halfway across, my triceps engulfed in flames, two little boys below my feet yelling for me to keep going. I lamented my lanky arms. Once, Tanabe mocked me as I labored to finish a set of push-ups. I retorted that he was only good at push-ups because of his T-rex arms, which was cruel but in essence true. He had no comeback but came to me later that night after a few beers, said I had shattered his confidence, and we then had a long talk about the plight of the short Asian man. It made me count my blessings, that I was white and tallish.

I did not finish the traverse across the top bar of the swing set. I dropped to the woodchips and jogged to the finish line. Tanabe’s shrill protests fell on deaf ears.

100-Meter Individual Medley

To the pool! We had planned to pair the IM with a diving competition, but the boards were out of service, leaned against the wall. Alas. My inner Louganis would never see the light of day.

Gurney’s butterfly was in rare form. He put up a 1:51.8. A fabulous time indeed, but Tanabe edged him with a 1:50.6. Ghosh posted an FDR-esque 4:52.0. He was practically catatonic by the time he finished. I managed a 2:32.7, a respectable time, but as I clung to the wall I sympathized with Ghosh. We all agreed on the walk back to Latham Street – this was the most brutal event by far. Though the heavily chlorinated water had saved us from ingesting too much stale urine, it had sapped us of our lifeforce. The Olympic-sized pool, fifty meters long, seemed to stretch into oblivion. But really it would have been better if the race was one length of a hundred-meter pool, with the far wall a final destination, a mecca, rather than a Saharan oasis that ultimately had to be left behind.

Hot Dog Eating Contest

The Day Two Showcase Event, in which we would eat as many hot dogs as possible, but first a siesta. In bed I formulated a strategy. Our event was modeled after the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest held every July 4th on Coney Island, which usually came down to two contestants: the giant Joey Chestnut, and the bantamweight Kobayashi. Kobayashi’s method involved separating the bun and dunking it in a cup of water to reduce its volume. This, I determined, was my path to the crown.

At dusk we surrounded the picnic table, grilled hot dogs stacked to our eyeballs. We had a special guest, Tanabe’s chum Foote who wrestled heavyweight, his hair fashioned into a nimbus of neon green spikes, a nude female tattooed on his bicep. Foote, Chestnut. I, Kobayashi.

The timer started and Foote came out guns blazing, crushing 4 dogs in 2 minutes. The Kobayashi method was indeed effective, but the bun’s aroma steadily worsened, such that as I held the dripping soggy sop in front of my mouth waiting to swallow the one preceding it, four-day old wet poodle wafted into my nostrils, the taste and texture in perfect harmony. The Oscar Meyers, too, suffered, once bodacious and grilled to perfection, they now showed their true colors, pasty pink tubes of centrifuged preservatives and meat slurry. The key was to treat it not as eating but as exercise, focusing on the up-down of the molars, one set of 50, and then another. In the end, it turned out to be a faithful recreation of the Nathan’s Famous Contest. Foote, Chestnut, beat me. But I, Kobayashi, beat everybody else.

Day Two Standings

Tanabe 42

Gurney 39

Ghosh 30

Me 30

There would be only one event on Day Three: Me v. Ghosh for the bronze. A wrestling match. Wrestling, we figured, was appropriate, the favored sport of the ancient Greek gymnasiums.

But this day belonged to Tanabe, who took gold on the back of a stunning Day Two surge. In truth, the difference between him and Gurney was but a second and a half in the pool or three-quarters of a hot dog. But history would not remember these details, only that in the Latham Olympiad, there was one athlete who stood above the others, and he was Tanabe.

Tanabe often talks about this axiom of wrestling called kaizen, the self-discipline required to affect continuous positive change. Kaizen requires a value system in which hedonism is the cardinal sin. It requires one take a serious approach to each day, to see the world via tunnel vision. If Japan and the US ever go to war, says Tanabe, he borne of DC, he will go and enlist for the Japanese army.

Foote conducted the medal ceremony. He summoned us from the couch to claim our ribbons. Ghosh and I, then Gurney, then Tanabe. When Tanabe was solemn when he accepted his first place ribbon, and I knew that this wasn’t that he didn’t care. It was that he cared too much.

DAY THREE

Why can we moderns – we young acolytes of the ancient ways – not hold our own Olympiad? That is the question that the yellow house on Latham Street dared to ask. We wished to break the quotidian cycle, to inject a sense of glory into our lives. We wished to be Olympians ourselves, and in the process pay homage to the noble classical spirit of the ancient Olympiad that the modern version had perhaps forgotten.

The Wrestle for Bronze

We would do battle in the nearby park, first to three takedowns. On the way I grilled Tanabe for fundamentals. Stay low, he said. Drive with the hips. Elbows in. Kaizen.

But when the bell rang, instinct took over. Ghosh was slippery, and worse, feisty. We were but two apes vying for alpha position. Who was more suave with the ladies did not matter – this here, somehow, was all that mattered.

Ghosh took a quick 2-0 lead, but in the third round I found myself lying on top of him deciding what to do next, the fog of exhaustion clouding the neural pathways in my frontal cortex. Ghosh suddenly grabbed my arm and bent it back at an unnatural angle, freeing him, and we somersaulted backwards and came to a rest with his hands pressing my shoulder blades against the cool grass. The buzzer had sounded. Fin. I felt not so much the agony of defeat but instead the sense of absolute finality, that I had come down to Earth.

***

I lie in bed now. The Latham Olympiad is over. Gurney left immediately after the wrestling match, took his BB gun and Camry back to Connecticut to paint his house with his pop. Now it is three again in the yellow house on Latham Street. I wonder if Ghosh and Tanabe are still awake, thinking back on the weekend. I am nostalgic already, for the good times that were had, and for what could have been. Nostalgic for the loss of any conception of time except for the present, where my chums stood at my side, where our Olympiad was indistinguishable from that of the ancient Greeks. Where I could see clearly the vision of who I wanted to be, the ideal estimation of myself, and that, for my all commendable qualities, I was not him.

Modern ‘Art’ Music and its Indie Compatriots

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Adam J. Strawbridge

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MP00 Music

Oct 11, 2013


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As anyone who has suffered through a 20th century music history class is aware, ‘Art Music’, or modern classical music, is not the type of playlist you want to blast on Friday night, or at the gym, or on a road trip – pretty much anywhere except maybe an opium den, or an elitist prison. When hearing for the first time the strange and alienating sounds so beloved by modern composers, most people react with asking: Why? Why was this music, so deliberately unrelatable and even offensive, composed and performed? Answering these questions is out of the scope of this article (and there aren’t always good answers), but I will say that ultimately, all that modern and contemporary composers are attempting in their work is to find new and exciting techniques to make sound have an emotional and resonating effect on a human. Sometimes this means placing paperclips on the coils in a piano and rearranging the structural elements of a sonata. Other times this means throwing sticks onto a grid in the dirt and letting the music follow from that. It’s not always good, it’s not always successful, and it’s not always really innovative. But against this general sentiment of ‘Why’, today’s composers ask, ‘why not?’

These composers, however, are not alone in the struggle. What’s fascinating about the development of popular music in this decade is that these composers, stuck so firmly in the ‘weird’ end of the music spectrum, are receiving unsolicited help in their efforts from the garage-band, amateur-turned-headliner music makers enjoying the limelight of music festivals and avid fans. Electronic music, dubstep, and indie rap are actually rife with the techniques and sounds pushed by composers from the 1950’s on. Chances are, if you’re listening to Aphex Twin, XXYYXX, Odd Future, or Danny Brown, you’re embracing the sort of musical idioms and strategies that you would hear coming from a sparsely attended quartet premier in the basement of a university Music department. Here is a brief survey of how, against your knowledge or even will, Arnold Schoenberg and his avant-garde cronies are changing the way you hear music:

Drop the Key

Probably the most significant development of music in the 20th century was the abandonment of keys and the birth of ‘atonality’. This leads to a lot of 20th century music sounding very alienating and disorienting, especially to listeners expecting the sort of harmonies used by Mozart and Beethoven. But atonality is in fact not unique to ‘Art Music’: it features pretty prominently in, weirdly enough, electronica, dubstep and rap. But maybe it’s not so weird: I think these genres are actually perfect for progressive treatment of tonality because they offer listeners other things to focus on rather than pitch, freeing up the artists to do some funky things tonally. Dubstep offers us in those classic breakdown sections an assault of crunchy, mechanical sonorities that are so immersive in themselves we don’t listen in for a tonal center the way we would with a Justine Timberlake chorus – we focus instead on the development of these sonorities themselves, the same way John Cage wanted us to focus on the interesting sounds of his modified piano, not the pitches being played. Rap is even more conducive for atonality. The pitch system of a rapper’s verse doesn’t correspond to the notes of a scale in the first place – the human voice has its own, more limited and idiosyncratic range. So we don’t find it so alienating and out of place when the beat and the bass go off to explore atonal territory.

Some artists just dip their toes in the water, the way my favorite composer Olivier Messiaen did in the 1950s. The electronic texture of “About You” (XXYYXX) and the grimy beat of “Hive” (Earl Sweatshirt) both are (technically) tonal but are so ambiguous that it took me, despite four semesters of music theory, a half hour to figure out how the pitches in both operate (they both create ‘bicentric’ chords, drawing the listener to expect two different yet simultaneous resolutions, if you’re dying to know). The wubwubwub breakdown of “Equinox” (Skrillex) is complemented by a tonal melody, but presents phrases of wubs without any tonal grounding, with only the texture of the sound to focus on. Other artists plunge into the strange headfirst: “I Will” (Danny Brown) presents a ‘soundscape’ which never truly lets the listener center themselves on a single pitch, thanks to a weird harmonic texture leaping all over the chromatic scale.  “Snow White” (Hodgy Beats feat. Frank Ocean) is, like much late 20th century music, constructed out of deliberately disorienting intervals and sonorities to disrupt whatever tonal center you much think you can hold on to. The song is a snow-storm of pitch and rhythm, with only Hodgy Beat’s angsty verse and Frank Ocean’s smooth voice to guide you through.

Weird Meter

Another big development that crosses genres from the haute to the underground is the effort to stretch, bend or defy conventions of meter and rhythm in music. For 20th century composers this meant new time signatures, reorganized musical structures, or even abandoning meter altogether. Doing so, abandoning the metrical conventions of contemporary music, makes demands on the artist to keep the music interesting and engaging enough for the listener to stay committed throughout. This is a challenge that again the avant-garde of electronica and rap have taken up well.

Dubstep and EDM are pioneers of a new musical structure, best characterized by the drop. For so long the landscape of popular music was dominated by essentially one structural form with minimal variation: Introduction, chorus, verse, chorus, verse, bridge, chorus, maybe a coda with a key change if the producer was feeling adventurous. Dubstep musicians (and some electronic artists) broke out of this mold boldly with a form that focuses not on a chorus but on a musically sophisticated structure based on tension and resolution, two staples of the modern composer’s toolbox. ‘The Drop’ of a dubstep song represents the culmination of a long and hopefully smoothly constructed buildup of dissonance and rhythmic acceleration (tension) leading to a climactic moment when for a second sound stops, to be dominated subsequently by an ear-filling torrent of sound, back in the initial meter and lush with consonance (resolution). Despite presenting such a climax early in the song, many dubstep songs stay interesting thanks to a structure that maintains this exciting tension-resolution pattern.

The New Sonorities

Probably the most ubiquitous development in hip hop and electronica that mirrors the developments of Art Music is one which has been latent throughout this article: the focus and prioritization of new sounds and textures. The flexible and amped voice of Kendrick Lamar, the funky hard-to-place metallic chants of Gold Panda, and of course those delicious wubwubwubs of Dubstep all around have listeners eager to consume new sounds, excited to ‘enter new sound worlds’, to phrase it as a music theorist, a dream long held by modern composers.  These trends of course started way back – the Beatles experimented with South Asian music just decades after John Cage and his colleagues began incorporating Indian and Indonesian instruments and traditions into their works. The progressive and enveloping rock of The Dark Side of the Moon came just off the cusp of composers in the 60’s eschewing standard concert set ups and creating pieces for an orchestra seated around a circular room to create a fully immersive ‘sound world’ experience. And it continues strong to this day: Danny Brown’s new album Old presents a rapper who’s own voice becomes as versatile and pitched as a violin. Leaping up and down lines, bouncing off the beats with a succinct percussive sense and building intensity like a Coltrane solo, Danny Brown proves himself, like many of his peers (El-P, Killer Mike and Kool A.D.) to be ahead of the game musically – we don’t even have notation capable of capturing the musical intricacies of these verses. Listening to Danny Brown rap is akin to entering a hectic, new sonic environment, full of interesting new sonorities, colors and timbers to engage with.

This isn’t to say I’m about to burn my College’s pianos to the ground, dump my scores in the river and preach the musical virtue of avant-garde hip hop and electronica to my teachers. There is, I believe, always a time and a place for each kind of music, and though it may be relegated to the obscure and snobby, I still love the weird, pioneering and daring techniques modern composers of Art Music take to make innovative and challenging music. But I also love how this has influenced the world over in unexpected ways. Even when I’m head-bobbing in a grungy basement to that crunchy, dirty new single, I’m thanking that old homie Arnold Schoenberg and all his disciples for, in the face of all the obstacles, having the balls to ask “why not?” It’s paid off in ways he nor anyway could have imagined: a world of new and exciting music, across the spectrum.

 

Snarky Puppy, Hybrid Theory

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Danny Schwartz

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MP00 Music

Oct 09, 2013


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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apxBAqgSrSw

It all started one evening in 2011, on a recommendation from Jonny Mo the stoned bassist in the back of jazz ensemble rehearsal. Snarky Puppy, he said sagely. Check em out. So later that night I googled Snarky Puppy and clicked on the first hit, a song called ‘Flood’. It started simply enough, in a recording studio with a dorkish-looking fellow standing at a keyboard, bopping his head to the beat as he plunked out the melody in some obscure time signature. The drums and bass entered the fray, and then the horns, then the keyboards, then the guitars, then the strings. And then, as someone let off a pressure valve, the groove dissolved and one of the guitarists embarked on a hypnotic new melody in some other obscure time signature. It was an unexpected but appetizing change of pace. The guitarist’s spiderlike fingers, the latent energy of a nine-minute video with seven minutes to go.

It went like this for a while, tension and release. The stakes rose, slowly, until a moment came when the song indisputably arrived. The horns took their line up an octave and the organ screamed and the drummer unleashed his mighty wrath upon his kit. It truly seemed to be the musical manifestation of a flood, as if all this time the water had been brooding behind the dam, and then the dam burst and the water poured forth, emancipated, crashing onto the rocks below.

Impressed as I was, Snarky Puppy fell off my radar and didn’t reappear for a year or so, until they released a new album called groundUp. Each song on groundUp was tight, bound by lean arrangements and the rhythm section’s magnetic groove. Each song had a distinct narrative arc, conducting two or three main ideas across various textures and instrumentations, always culminating with the entire band playing something greater than its component parts. Each song was a thriller in the end by virtue of its humble beginnings.

groundUp runs deep but the highlight is without a doubt ‘Thing of Gold’. There was a time when I watched ‘Thing of Gold’ on a daily basis for six weeks, maybe longer, primarily because of the solo Shaun Martin delivers at the end on Moog synth. The chord progression essentially rises in whole steps, and his solo triggers a series of key changes that also rises in whole steps. So there is an austere, mathematical sort of beauty in place, and it is in this context that Shaun Martin, toothpick akimbo, takes flight in ineffable improvisation.

How to categorize Snarky Puppy? They borrow elements from all types of music, particularly jazz, rock, and funk. They tend to defy genre. I guess you’d call that amorphous style ‘fusion’, but fusion is a vague and boring term. One of the properties shared by most Snarky Puppy songs is the interplay of major and minor — it happens in ‘Flood’ and ‘Thing of Gold’ for example, and they even called a song on groundUp ‘Minjor’. The interplay of major and minor is one of the fundamental tenets of the blues, and I prefer to think of them as a sort of hypermodern blues band. It may be a vague term, but at least it’s more thought-provoking than fusion.

Here’s the weird thing though– as much as I listen to groundUp, I’ve never downloaded it. I don’t have any Snarky Puppy songs on my iTunes. I just go to YouTube and watch their videos. Of the eight songs on groundUp, seven are on YouTube, and unlike with ‘Flood’, their videos are gorgeous, shot in HD with soft turquoise light cast around the perimeter of the room onto brick walls painted white. A small headphone’d audience sits in the middle, surrounded by the band. The band is even bigger this time, 21 people. This is it — this is them recording the album. Several cameras shoot from various angles, which is disorienting, so you never really figure out how the band members are positioned in relation to each other — you just know they are there.

The visual component of Snarky Puppy’s music is crucial to their visibility and popularity. They are not signed to a big label. They are independent, doing it all by themselves. Look at Macklemore, another independent artist. He blew up for one big reason: his videos, which are creative, fun to watch, and beautifully shot and color edited thanks to the genius of Ryan Lewis. In 12 months, the ‘Thrift Shop’ video has garnered 400 million views on YouTube. In 18 months, the ‘Thing of Gold’ video has garnered 600,000 views, a number that pales in comparison to Macklemore but is nevertheless significant.

Live music experiences these days are often compressed into mega-festivals like Coachella and EDM raves like Electric Zoo. Throw in uTorrent, and it seems as though it is harder than ever for mid-level musicians like Snarky Puppy to thrive. But in fact, the opposite is true. Snarky Puppy has a powerful weapon: YouTube. YouTube has become one of the main channels through which people consume music. Search any song, it’s probably there. I would go so far as to say that YouTube has also become the best way to consume music, period, because it inherently provides that visual component that greatly enhances the quality of the music itself.

My favorite college professor Michael J. Lewis always liked to say, “good writing happens when the emotional and the intellectual overlap, causing the words to vibrate.” To drive the point home he would place one hand on top of the other, like the awkward turtle sign, and give the turtle a few vigorous shakes. Professor Lewis’s words of wisdom closely mirror Snarky Puppy’s motto: “music for the booty and brain.” Snarky Puppy’s music is enjoyable from an intellectual perspective, but doesn’t truly vibrate until you watch their videos and see their actual, physical booties in motion. Watching the band play gives you a more intimate relationship with them, but just as importantly it gives you access to the intimacy within the band. You unlock their synergy. When a recording gets mixed, there is a vacuum effect, as if the mix sucks out all the air and leaves the finished product tighter. When Snarky Puppy introduces the visual component, they restore much of the energy lost in the mix via the physical energy of the band, spurred on in part by the presence of the small audience. Their videos are more than recordings — they are performances.

Two of my favorite DVDS are concert films. AC/DC, Live in Donington 1991, and Bruce Springsteen, Live in Barcelona 2002. The music itself is great. What’s even better is the shot of the fanatic horde jumping around and singing along. The shot of 5’2” Angus Young opening the show by playing the ‘Thunderstruck’ riff and duck-walking his way across the stage in his maroon suit and shorts. The shot of Bruce Springsteen and Stevie Van Zandt, belting ‘Dancing in the Dark’ into the same mic two hours into the show, their shirts drenched in sweat, their old man lips inches apart. It’s a pretty homoerotic image, but then again, it’s not homoerotic at all. It’s just music.

The image that sticks with me most from Snarky Puppy videos is Michael League, the frizzy-haired bassist. Snarky Puppy has world-class soloists — Shaun Martin, Cory Henry on organ, Sput Searight on drums — but League is the heart of the band. He is the mastermind, the producer, the author and arranger. Whenever the camera cuts in his direction, his face is either fixed in a warm, cherubic smile or convulsed in an unmistakable O-face. His ecstasy is even more apparent in the way he assumes awkward, unforeseeable postures with the rest of his gangly body. He looks silly, but that’s how you know he’s feeling it. His id gangsta leans with the best of them. There is no pretense with him, and his passion naturally bubbles to the surface so that he is more nimbus than flesh. Michael League is pure. Michael League is love.

***

In 4th grade, all I knew was Eiffel 65, Aaron Carter, and Lou Bega. Until I unwrapped Hybrid Theory by Linkin Park, popped it in the CD player, and learned the true meaning of rock. Hybrid Theory sucked me through a vortex. It opened up an entire universe I hadn’t known existed, or could exist. Its appeal was not unlike that of Pokemon Red or Redwall.

Those were the days. Since then it has become much harder for a piece of music, or anything, to come along and alter my perception of the limits of human possibility. That increasingly elusive sensation is only attainable via something radical. I suppose that’s the appeal of dubstep or Hannah Montana all of the sudden porning it up.

Consuming music these days lends itself more to eclecticism than devotion to a single group, and I am almost ashamed to say that I have found a favorite band, but I suppose Snarky Puppy fits the bill. They have taken me on journeys. They have taken me to the Lonely Mountain and back again. They expertly straddle the line between the intellectual and the emotional. The brain-bending and the booty-quaking. The awkward turtle-shaking.

Snarky Puppy recently released an album called Family Dinner, with each song featuring a different guest singer. The majority of the songs have been posted on YouTube as recording sessions filmed in HD, in the groundUp video style. As I watched these videos, I was blown away by the singers but found myself wanting them to go away. League arranged the songs with the intent of showcasing the singers and nothing more. If Family Dinner was an economic market, it would be riddled with inefficiencies. It was conceived in the spirit of collaboration, sure, but the end result, however unflawed, left a lot on the table. That is, Snarky Puppy’s remarkable imagination, the potential for innovation, to go further and change the definition of what music can be.

Wubs Going On

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MP00 Music

Aug 24, 2013


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Electric Zoo is coming up this week and 90% of the people there will be bobbing around like they drank too much caffeine at the most fun middle school dance in history, but just because everyone at Woodstock was on LSD doesn’t make the cultural legacy of rock and roll any less significant.  For north of $100 a day to attend a modern EDM mega festival cum super rave, the music must offer something.

The uninitiated to these phenomena should imagine three hundred consecutive Harlem Shake videos mixed with the party in Zion from the Matrix1.  The whole thing is science fiction.  You can’t quite believe a place like this exists, but the Richter-scale bass is incessantly proving otherwise.  One, two, three, four.  Electronic dance march.

What is free will when you have already bought a ticket?  The realization that you in fact chose to be at this crazy place forces you into the throng.  It’s startling, considering the quasi military setting, that the festivalgoers generally turn out to be spacey optimists, separated from those of previous generations only in their comfort with this particular setting: the cyborg overlords have mandated dancing, and it will be good.

The noises (you can call them instruments) of EDM are central to this fantasy.  One song dictates that the listener “say hello to the robots,” and the music makes good on its promise; the voice is the one it is talking about.  But robots do more than talk: they dance.

The structure of your typical wubby festival EDM is simple2, but the reasoning behind it is very different from that used in other genres.  EDM recognizes and is organized by the tiredness of the listener.  Even the hardiest and most inebriated are hard pressed to boogie nonstop for ten straight hours, so EDM has provided them with the musical equivalent of interval training.  The scale is not quite binary, but it does have a YES setting.

The “drop” resides at the core of this form. Typically, a consonant melody gives way to a tension building and attention grabbing increase in volume and dissonance, upon which repurposed factory noises suddenly erupting in rhythmic orgasm are “dropped”.  The imminence of the pre-drop build up adds a dimension to the futurism of music, constantly reminding the listener that the future is in fact now.  Everyone present been thinking about this show for weeks, and the build up to the drop encapsulates this countdown.

One could make a similar case about the significance of the chorus in rock or pop music, and these events may match the drop in emotional significance, but they surely cannot touch its crowd-pleasing ridiculousness.  A common critique of the genre is that DJs are button pushers who simply press play, but the best modern DJs are button creators.  Their reliance on preparation attests to the intricacy of their music. Someday, live bands will play EDM to greater acclaim, but for now they are mostly unable to play it at all.

The process of sound making innovation through which EDM has developed is similar to that in more canonical existing genres.  Complicated syncopation and novel instrumentation are sought out and favored.   Even if the current style has enduring popularity, it will surely be complimented by a headier post-EDM geared toward participants in the current rave explosion who have slowed down with age or boredom.  Most moms don’t fist bump, and they may want to listen to electronic music that doesn’t tempt them.

Then again, some will.  Electronic dance music, like the generation that has adopted it, is the first of its kind to be “born from the internet.”  Arguments about musical quality aside, no genre that I can name has changed as much through the past 5 years as EDM, and what changes they have wrought have resulted from contact with its dynamism.

To a unique extent, EDM relies on the democratic vote of the Internet to anoint its stars.  At the end of the line is not a mechanical administrator, but a dude on a laptop.  Robots are only used in selection and execution, but they free EDM from the common pop music restraints of stage presence, or physical attractiveness.   Similarly, location and age are no barriers to success.

An EDM festival might then be considered a beachhead of the Internet on Earth.  Someone disseminates their music digitally, and all of a sudden thousands of people physically show up to hear it.  Artists make their livelihood from these shows, not from record sales, so though the Internet may be integral, the music is ultimately powered by people actually getting off their couches.  Why do the majority of people at raves have their hand up in some sort of fist bump/furher salute?  Perhaps because they put away their iPhones.

1  If you are unfamiliar with these things, you can Google them like a raver would

2  Almost always 4/4 time in phrases of length powers of two

Adorno: Critical Theorist or Based God?

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Adam J. Strawbridge

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MP00 Music

Apr 03, 2013


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Around this time every year, as the weather warms and the burden of spring classes starts to take its toll, the bougie and largely complacent population of my small liberal arts college finds a socially charged catalyst to ignite a campus-wide discussion on “uncomfortable” topics. Don’t take my tone as disparaging – often times, these conversations have promoted crucial, interesting and eye-opening revelations, strengthening our student body as a whole as we learn more about each other, our commonalities and our differences. This year, however, the catalyst and the ensuing debate left much to be desired: after hiring Chance the Rapper for our spring concert, a controversy flared over his use of the word “faggot” in one of his more widely known hits (“Favorite Song”). Again, this isn’t to dismiss the concerns and anxieties of the student body – the college has an obligation to respond to cultural currents and its not unreasonable to expect our entertainment committee to pick a performer that appropriately embodies our mutually shared political and social attitudes. But at the end of the day, as I absorbed the dialogue and reflected on the situation, I couldn’t help feel like it all boiled down to a largely privileged set of undergraduates trying to tell a rapper what he could and could not say.

Rap is often pretty confrontational in nature. The lyrics confront us, the beat confronts us, and if the rapper’s anyone worth listening to, the flow and energy confront us, too. This is what excites me so much about my favorite rappers, and it’s where I feel, despite the enormous historical, cultural and intellectual chasm, that the musical philosophy of Theodor Adorno manifests in the contemporary era. Adorno is one of the pillars of “critical theory”, that esoteric branch of political philosophy that seeks to redeem and revitalize Marxism for modern times (namely, after the failure of the communist project in Russia). Adorno’s body of work is enormous and his intellectual contributions to the Western canon are profound. But he interests me most for his work dedicated to music. Adorno styled himself a sort of philosophical music critic, and sought to understand the music of his era (early 20th century art music) in terms of its reflection on society, on the brutality of bourgeoisie domination (it’s Marxism, remember) and the ways music can awaken and shape society. For Adorno, powerful atonal music, full of dissonance and uncomfortable moments, could awaken its audience to the brutality and contradictions of the world around them. Such music was said to have a critical stance towards society. In other words, harmony and consonance, those beloved tools of Bach and Mozart, were bourgeoisie trifles. Dissonance and discord are the weapons of a Marxist utopia.

Unfortunately, and unsurprisingly, he limited this analysis to the music of privileged bourgeoisie white men, composers like Schoenberg and his disciples. He reviled “light” music, the sort of tunes one would hear on the radio – this music was according to Adorno “illusory”, and served only to mask the ways in which capitalism dominates our lives. Famously, and perhaps tragically, he had a special hatred for Jazz. Jazz, he argued, pretended to have a critical stance, but was too rigid in form and predictability to actually function the way Schoenberg’s music did. Critics of Adorno have responded to his revulsion of jazz in a number of ways. Some argue he was too immersed in classical music to take jazz on its own terms. Others contend what he meant by jazz was that dweeby, awful knock-off music early century Germans thought was jazz (cf. the operetta “Johnny’s Jazz Band” for a real bizarre treat). And of course, there’s always that racial issue as well. But whatever his motivations, Adorno missed out big: jazz can be (and often is) as critical as the most discordant, ear-shattering atonal works. And so, I argue, can hip-hop, especially the music being made today by rising and established stars such as Danny Brown, Schoolboy Q, Kendrick Lamar, Killer Mike – even Ab Soul on a good day. Adorno would probably have reacted with shock and abhorrence at the sound of this music. But, just as with jazz, he would have missed the big picture.

Rap music is primed to reveal the contradictions of capitalist domination and unveil the myriad of ways in which we oppress one another, even though it involves lyrics. Adorno felt that vocal music faced an uphill battle to be critical because it was too representational: in order for music to reveal the contradictions of capitalism, he argued, it had to deny all representational semblance, and be the sonic equivalent of abstraction for the visual arts. Vocal music is by default expressive and representational, so how can it fulfill this criteria? The lyrics of rap however are more than merely representational. The medium is relevant: they’re not singing or talking, they’re rapping, a method of musical delivery than over the recent decades has confirmed in its subject matter an intimate, personal quality that does more than deliver words – rap delivers the truth of structural conditions and the forces that have shaped the rapper’s own life. A soprano singing an aria does her best to imbue the libretto with as much musical and personal expressive force as she can, but when Danny Brown delivers a verse he’s sending out the essence of Danny Brown. He’s not just representing, he’s presenting, and what’s he’s presenting are the structural forces and societal limits that left him to deal drugs, fight thugs on the way to buy groceries and yearn to escape his home town.

Adorno says that critical music jars the listener: an audience to an atonal string quartet yearns for pleasing consonances, the II-V-I resolutions of tonal harmony, but they get only unresolved dissonance. This tension, Adorno claims, awakens them to the ways in which bourgeoisie domination creates contradictions and brutal, unresolved societal dissonances. Underground (and increasingly, mainstream) rap often has the same function: you might want to hear about love, friendship, concord and all the other pleasing consequences of bourgeoisie indulgence. But Schoolboy Q shows you a perverted notion of what wealth and luxury are, outside the typical middle class framework. Ab Soul challenges the authoritative forces we take for granted around us constantly (if you can take him seriously, which I recommend at least trying). Danny Brown reminds us, in the age when hip hop artists insist on rapping about their cars, jewels and women, the bleakness and hopelessness he barely escaped to be on a stage (check out “Fields” and “Scrap or Die” for the most raw, revolutionary tracks on his acclaimed album XXX). And Chance the Rapper in “Favorite Song” reminds us of the societal conditions than tolerate and often condone homophobic, ultra-masculine attitudes. Middleclass bourgeoisie audience may not like any of this – but that’s the damn point. We live in a society rife with contradictions, and we need music that constantly reminds us that these contradictions exist and aren’t improving anytime soon, especially if we refuse to let those on the lesser end of these contradictions tell us about their lives themselves, no matter what words they use.

So would Adorno get down to Bruiser Brigade and dip to “Druggies wit Hoes”? Definitely not – the great irony of his work is the privilege he accords to the bourgeoisie intellectual tradition at the expense of the cultures and aesthetics he sought to redeem through Marxism. But that’s okay: his message resonates across the decades, down into the grungy underground clubs where my favorite rappers got their starts. Rap music shouldn’t be about you hearing what you want to hear, what affirms your comfortable existence. It’s about other people’s voices, other people’s experiences, manifested hopefully in the grimiest, dirtiest, most musically exciting ways. Does this mean when the proletariat finally seizes the means of production, they’ll be blasting not Schoenberg’s atonal opera but “Collard Greens”? I wouldn’t be mad. ▩

Tatted: A Year Later

by

Danny Schwartz

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MP00 Life

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I got a tattoo on my 21st birthday. Having turned 22 a few days ago, I figured it was time to sit down and reflect on the decisions that were made that fateful night.

My cousin and I celebrated with a trip to a BYOB sushi restaurant in Greenwich Village. After dinner, we walked a few blocks away into an establishment called Whatever Tattoo. I told the guy to ink me up. On the inside of my left arm, two inches above the elbow, a ‘206’ – the area code of my hometown Seattle. We scrolled through fonts. He needled at my arm for 5 minutes. I threw him the dough.

I sent the fam a pic the next day. Dad was stoked. Mom thought it looked like a numerical identification marking from Auschwitz. Back at school the next week, I showed out. Yea… I’m tatted. Sup ladies. It was all so gravy at first. Little did I realize, I had acquired a problem of placement. Had the tattoo been inked a few inches higher, it would be covered up by a t-shirt. But it was not. I hadn’t anticipated the task of explaining its meaning to every other person I encountered. I even formulated a stock Portuguese explanation during my trip to Brazil last summer. Within months, the 206 tatt was beginning to lose its luster.

Why’d I get it? Seattle is my home. Seattle is beautiful. A brief bit of history: in 1903, the Seattle Park Commissioners brought out the Olmsted Brothers to plan a comprehensive park system. They came back with a recommendation for several dozen parks new parks of varying character and a 20-mile boulevard to run between them. The City Beautiful movement was at its zenith, and most of the Olmsted Plan was implemented within the next three decades. Between 1900 and 1930, the population of Seattle increased from 80 thousand to 365 thousand; the park system developed in step with the rest of the city, so that the City Beautiful movement was not reform but organic creation, the parks and boulevards woven into the hills and water and distant mountains and integrated into the Cartesian street grid and urban fabric.

206 is an important symbol because it distinguishes Seattle from the suburbs across the lake – the 425. The Eastside. The Eastside thinks it’s hot shit, but really it’s just a bunch of Ugg-caliber biddies and vainglorious simpletons. It’s a different state of mind over there, and the geographic divide reinforces this gap. ‘206’ thus refers only to the part of Seattle I like.

Once I went to college and gained an east coast perspective, the 206 tattoo started to seem like a worthy expression of my nostalgia, and I suppose of some preemptive nostalgia for the years ahead when I would be living in New York or something. Also, I figured that it would act as a bat signal for fellow Seattleites in those faraway places. If I met them, I would show them the tatt and become the insta-homie. In a nutshell, I felt compelled to state my territory. When my 21st birthday rolled around, I didn’t have a location on my body in mind, but I figured in that moment that the time was right to commit to the ink.

The tattoo can be problematic in two ways, and they are both ironic. First, it compromises my Seattle-induced nostalgia. It thrusts my 206ness to the forefront of my consciousness. I look at it everyday. I am physically bound to the 206. How can absence make the heart grow fond if I do not perceive absence?

Second, a more serious problem: it compromises my self-expression. As a jazz musician, I try to adhere to the notion that you should improvise like you are withholding some piece of information. This mindset forces you to think more deliberately about the choices you make during a solo. It forces you to keep one in the chamber, so that you can unleash it when the time is right. And as much as I love Seattle, I prematurely blew my load with this one. The act of inking a visible 206 tattoo on my skin was an ostentatious gesture of Seattle pride the likes of which I will never be able to express again.

So, there is an imbalance. How to repair it? I need to take some pressure of the tattoo. For one, it draws attention to my pale, skinny arms. I gotta get tan. I gotta get jacked. Maybe I should get another tattoo. Maybe I should work up a sleeve. That’s what John Mayer did. He used to have just one tattoo, and it was similar to mine: SRV on his upper left arm, for his guitar idol Stevie Ray Vaughan. Then he got his whole arm covered.

Maybe I should just get dirty at guitar, like John Mayer. I’ve been playing guitar for nine years. Why should I come this far and not keep going? How could I? Miles Davis once said: “it takes a long time to sound like yourself.” I want to speak for myself in proportion to the ways I’ve invested my time and energy. I want to speak with my guitar. Not some tattoo I got on a whim.

Do I regret it? Sometimes. Could I have chosen a better location? Probably. But at the end of the day, tatt is me, I am tatt, and I don’t have much choice other than to rock the fuck out of it. Its location is a reminder that decisions have consequences, its permanence a reminder of my mortality, its audacity a reminder that in life, it’s best to do it large.

Me in ten years.

Sell My Sole

by

Carver Low

Season Categories Published
MP00 Music

Feb 20, 2013


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If there is one thing the current state of culture has given us, it’s choices. Many, many choices. An appetite for cultural consumption entails scrutiny of musicians, writers, chefs, and everything else we could possibly have an opinion about. With all this effort being expended, we naturally feel that we have given something of ourselves to whatever it is we’ve chosen to bestow our all-important ‘taste’ upon. When something we like suddenly leaves a sour taste in our mouths, we don’t only want to spit it out. We want to create a spittle-filled impressionist painting of our disgust on the social media canvas to show everyone just how shitty it tastes. Only, we’re really no different than children spitting out something without thinking just because they don’t like how it looks and they “don’t” eat Chinese food. Amid their exploding fame, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis are the latest to experience this phenomenon.

About a week ago, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis unveiled their latest in “holy-shit-we-aren’t-signed-how-did-we-do-that” moments” by releasing and promoting an adapted version of their song “Wings” for the upcoming NBA All-Star Weekend. For many this was nothing more or less than impressive. However, for Macklemore fans who follow his music more closely, this amounted to nothing less than Brutus stabbing Caesar while telling him that his wife tastes like Cheerios. In more literal terms, he was quickly accused of selling out for the big bucks.

This kind of pseudo-controversy isn’t new to Macklemore. His clean-cut image, wholesome, positivist messages, and soccer-mom-liberal political views make him an easy target in the hip hop world. Of course, none of this bothers Macklemore. Listening to his lyrics, one of the clearest themes is that he doesn’t want or need to fit into any box, even the one many of his fans love. He spent enough years trying to be something he’s not through drug use and abuse, and through his sobriety he’s found a kind of self-assuredness that only leads to success. He is more than happy with his millions of fans who adore him (sometimes to an almost idolatrous extent) to be affected by the “hardcore” rap blogs that label him as a poseur or co-opting white guy — pariahs in the hip hop world. Given the impervious nature of Macklemore’s brand, it’s only logical that his biggest detractors are his most vocal fans.

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis remain unfazed by their critics and humble in the face of adoration, driven by a conviction in themselves and comfort in their own skin. In his song “Wings” Macklemore tells the story of his love of sneakers. Part of that story is his realization that people are willing to steal and murder to get the sneakers he so loves, and the self-questioning that comes from realizing something you love may only be hurting you and everyone around you. He ends by stating that he is “trying to take mine off,” which is to say, stop obsessing over Nikes and their marketing driven brand. Taking his final words as gospel, it does seem contradictory for him to lend his brand and song to the NBA, an unabashed proponent of consumption (and Nikes). Given these apparent contradictions, it’s easy to say that Macklemore has sold out on his ideas for what ever it was the NBA was offering. The problem is, the easiest thing to say isn’t always the most accurate.

Being labeled as a sellout is nothing new for musicians. Take Bob Dylan (who, I would like to make clear, I am not comparing Macklemore to). After attaining an enormous following by writing and performing socio-political American folk songs, he made a leap into rock ‘n’ roll and away from social issues. To him it represented a disillusionment with himself, an all too human loss of faith in both his ability to enact change and society’s ability to accept it. To his audience, it felt more like this:

Movie adaptations aside, the audience hated the new sound and quickly branded Dylan as a sellout for abandoning his protest songs. Looking back, Dylan’s transition away from protest music was a natural process of growth for him.  There are many who prefer his rock music to his folk songs. Nevertheless, at the time abandoning folk music meant Dylan contradicted everything he had previously stood for, even if he personally didn’t feel that way.

Dylan and Macklemore’s cases are not the same. Dylan changed his sound and his content, but never refuted anything he previously wrote. Macklemore implicitly contradicted himself by placing himself in the NBA commercial and removing the lines of his song that are critical of Nike and consumerism. Are all of these uses of art selling out, despite their differences? The rules for selling out are political, which in this case means empty rhetoric and posturing. I’m reminded of a dilemma I went through in the latter half of my high school years.

When I was 15 and 16, I was obsessed with punk rock music and the surrounding ‘scene.’ I read ‘zines (the punk rock version of magazines), went to shows, and even sported a Mohawk for a few months. Punk rock is especially applicable here because unlike most other music genres, by nature it is anti-establishment. This anti-authoritarianism also drives members of the punk rock scene to constantly scrutinize each other for selling out, which could consist of a band signing to wrong label, a writer not focusing on the right things, or a songwriter changing their sound at the wrong time. It may be driven by scene politics, but those were scene politics I cared about back then.

I had been staunchly ‘punk rock’ for years, refusing to listen to the ignant rap music almost all of my friends listened to or buy into their mindless consumerism (my words). However, I was growing tired of constantly posturing, and frankly, ignant rap music looked fun (it is). Towards the end of my junior year, I was at a skate shop with a friend, being an aimless teenager. I had been toying with the idea of beginning to dress more ‘normally’ for a few weeks, and that seemed like as good a time as any to pull the proverbial trigger on my thoughts. I walked up, picked out a pair of black and white Adidas Shell Toe sneakers, and began my transition into dressing much more like everyone else at my school. I got what I wanted: an easier time fitting in with the more popular crowds, compliments on the way that I dressed, and attention from the ladies (hey ladies!). I didn’t feel bad about abandoning my former stances because I felt I hadn’t. I still believed in them, even if I didn’t wear them like a billboard on my clothes. In a sense, I was becoming more mature and seeing the world with more depth. However, that didn’t lessen the sting of being voted ‘Most Changed’ in our high school yearbook. Nobody really saw the award as an insult or an embarrassment, but for me it was a quiet reminder of the compromises I’d made in my views.

Change is natural, even healthy. I’m not the only person who formerly or currently defines themselves by the music they listen to, via the subject matter of the music (or lack thereof). The music we listen to is emblematic of our worldview, whether that worldview focuses on the horrors of global capitalism or the beauty of local ass-shaking. When we’re young, we go further than choosing our music to fit our interests, we alter ourselves to fit the words and sentiments of the musicians we like. In the awkward confusion of post-adolescence, adhering to a genre of music can be more comforting than any home.

However, when we give so much of ourselves to our music, we tend to expect something in return. By pouring so much of our own identities into an artist, we feel that much more disillusionment when the artist changes and we no longer feel the same connection. Most basically, when our favorite artist sells out it makes us feel illegitimate and misguided, meaning we’ve been misled, and only the weak are misled. When our favorite artist sells out, it is us who is weak, not them. The social media age only intensifies this effect, because every post and tweet we made hyping an artist becomes a testament to our own gullibility.

The problem is, this isn’t how music and art works. The artist makes it, we consume it. Part of the reason people love artists like Macklemore is because he refuses to do what is expected of him.  So why should we feel such personal disrespect when an artist does something we feel is questionable? Selling out tends to become a buzzword turned buzzsaw to cut down artists whose new direction we find distasteful. Macklemore suffers from this very problem, amplified through the intimate relationship he and Ryan Lewis cultivate with their fans.

In its original form, “Wings” tells the story of Macklemore’s relationship with sneakers. He has a hopeful beginning, a loss of faith in the middle, and a conviction at the end. However, we as a consumer pick out the pieces of the song that make the most sense in our lives and exclusively focus on those. In the case of “Wings,” those branding Macklemore a sellout identify most strongly with the anti-consumerist thought that “Phil Knight tricked us all.” The song is much more that that. It’s a human story (as only the best stories are) of contradiction and confusion, where Macklemore loves his sneaker but sees the evil they can be and are becoming. He is human, with human flaws, but has the courage to point out those flaws. His criticism is of our society’s commitment to consumerism, not of Nike or NBA specifically. He never changed his attire to Toms or even stopped wearing his Nikes, he only pointed out his own misgivings about what they’ve become. He definitely loves Nikes and probably loves the NBA, and who wouldn’t jump at the chance represent something you love?

I have my own reservations about “Wings” being used for the NBA All-Star weekend. I also have my own reservations about using the term sellout. Years of scrutinizing artist to make sure they are staying true to their stances while slowly slipping away from my own has a left a poor taste in my mouth surrounding the term. It unfairly reduces artists to statements and soundbites and cheapens the story they are trying to tell. The idea of selling out is rooted in the concept of authenticity and the conceit of hypocrisy. When an artist is labeled a sellout, it means they’ve contradicted a statement or stance they’ve made in the past, making them either a liar or a hypocrite. Everyone’s realized the redundancy of calling anyone a hypocrite; everyone contradict themselves all the time. It’s what makes us human, Homo sapiens. When we call Macklemore a sellout, in the end are we attacking the man who warned of being strangled by our laces, or the kid who put on a pair of Jordans and was elated to touch the net?

What the 2012 Seahawks Meant to Seattle

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Sports

Jan 15, 2013


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Two days ago, on the 14th play of an 80-yard drive, Jason Snelling took a shovel pass from Matt Ryan and waltzed into the end zone, giving the Atlanta Falcons a 27-7 lead over the Seattle Seahawks with 2:11 left in the 3rd quarter. It was their 5th score in 6 drives. At this point, a theoretical Seahawks victory would be one of the greatest playoff comebacks of all-time, by any calculation.

As a Seahawks fan watching alone on my computer in my room, I was distressed, but never in despair. I knew this game was not over. I had watched the Seahawks make the absurd look ordinary all season. Observe:

  • Week 4: Down 12-7 to the Packers with 7 seconds left, Russell Wilson heaves a Hail Mary to Golden Tate, giving the Seahawks a controversial 14-12 win.
  • Week 6: Down 23-10 to the Patriots with 13 minutes left, the Seahawks defense forces two punts and the offense scores the go-ahead TD with 1:18 on the clock to give the Seahawks a 24-23 win.
  • Week 13: Down 14-10 at Chicago with 3:40 left, Wilson engineers an 97-yard TD drive to give the Seahawks a 3-point lead with 24 seconds on the clock. After the Bears miraculously kick a field goal at the end of regulation, Wilson leads an 80-yard game-winning drive on first possession of OT.
  • Weeks 14-16: Seahawks bust 58 points on the Cardinals, 50 on the Bills, and then 42 on the 49ers.
  • Wild Card Round: Down 14-0 after the 1st quarter, the Seahawks outgain the Redskins 371 yards to 74 the rest of the way and win 24-14.

Clearly if there was ever a team who could make up a 20-point deficit in 17 minutes on the road in the playoffs, it was the Seattle Seahawks. And so I welled with pride as I watched my team fight back on both sides of the ball. Quick touchdown. 27-14. Earl Thomas interception, another touchdown. 27-21. 9 minutes left. Defensive 3-and-out, punt, defensive 4-and-out. Then with 31 seconds left, Marshawn Lynch ran it in to put the Seahawks up 28-27. It was a beautiful thing to behold, not just as a fan, but as a human, watching a team forge its own destiny.

A kickoff and two plays later, Atlanta had driven into field goal territory. Their 49-yard attempt cut effortlessly through the Georgia Dome air and split the uprights. Final score: Falcons 30, Seahawks 28.

From distress to ecstasy to shock. I suddenly felt in touch with the elemental side of life. This game carried significance beyond its temporal boundaries. It was the culmination of a breathtaking season by a young team of entertaining characters that formed a distinct collective personality in step with their improved performance, from a 4-4 start to an 11-5 finish. Slowly but surely, the 2012 Seahawks captured imaginations, gaining national recognition as they actualized their goals and blossomed into something pure. I now know what it feels like to be a parent.  After the loss to the Falcons, I was not mad, or even sad – only proud. The 4th quarter was so captivating that I could not process what was happening in real time. The game left me in disbelief, not that this team could stage such a dramatic comeback, but that this resilient, electrifying, swagged-out team was not of Boston or New York or Los Angeles, but of Seattle.

I read an article after the New York Giants won the Super Bowl in which Eli Manning was asked if he did it for the fans. No, he said, we do it for the guys in this locker room. It is not wishful thinking to believe that the players on the 2012 Seahawks do it not only for themselves, but also for the city and the name on the jersey. The 12th Man crowd, with the help of some well-designed stadium acoustics, is responsible for making Century Link Field the best home-field advantage in the NFL. In this age of Twitter, there is greater transparency between player and fan, and Seahawk players tweet thanks to the Seattle faithful on a regular basis. This should be taken with a grain of salt, but the time they take to express their gratitude is a nice gesture.

Seahawk fans were rooting for more than just laundry this season because we got to know the players both on and off the field. Starting in training camp, fullback Michael Robinson posted weekly 15-20 minute shows to his YouTube channel, The Real Rob Report. He films casual interviews and portrays the atmosphere inside the Seahawks practice facility locker room. Over the course of the season, Robinson introduced almost every player on the 53-man roster.

Football is a sport that dehumanizes the players. They are much more athletic than regular people, and they experience routine acts of violence that are far removed from everyday life. Helmets and masks obscure their faces. The drama is condensed to only 16 regular season games and a few playoff games. The game doesn’t have a consistent flow like basketball or soccer: the drama is then condensed even further into 4-7 second bursts. Offensive linemen are human shields and safeties are human projectiles. It’s almost impossible to relate to the players as they do battle. And that’s what makes The Real Rob Report so great. Robinson, a captain, welcomes you to meet the players with their helmets off. He has shown us how the Seahawks interact, what music they like, how they dance, and who they voted for in the election, or if they voted at all. He has shown us Red Bryant’s passion for cookies, and he has shown us Chris Maragos, the overconfident, white, backup safety, talk trash to Marshawn Lynch. Now, seeing Maragos standing on the sideline during a game brought me great pleasure.

Seattle has had a lackluster sports history, and the 2012 Seahawks have probably been the most exciting team the city has ever seen. More exciting than the GP/Kemp ’96 Sonics, more exciting than the 116-win ’01 Mariners, more exciting than the ’05 Seahawks who went 13-3 and played in the Super Bowl. That Seahawks team won methodically; The 2012 Seahawks won with style. With crazy comebacks. With dreadlocks flowing out the helmets of half of its star players, including cornerback Richard Sherman, indubitably the cockiest player in the league. With a potent read-option offensive attack. With a 5’10” quarterback named Russell Wilson who scrambles like a young McNabb and passes from the pocket like a young Brady. This season was a cultural movement the likes of which Seattle fandom has been waiting on forever.  This particular team’s identity cannot be separated from its symbiotic relationship between fans and players.

I must finish with Russell Wilson. He inspires me to become a better person. He inspires me to work hard and fulfill my potential. He won the starting job in training camp over big free agent signee Matt Flynn by waking up at 6:30 every day to watch film. He watched film the day after the Falcons loss. He visits sick kids in Seattle Children’s Hospital every week.  “I want to be great,” he said in December. “I want to be one of the people a 100 years from now, everyone talks about. That is the way I treat every single day.” He is the number one reason for the Seahawks improvement over the course of the season; he threw 10 TDs and 8 INTs Weeks 1-8, and 19 TDs and 3 INTs the rest of the way. He is the number one reason there has been a special relationship between players and fans this season. He is an underdog by virtue of his height, and we are all underdogs in one way or another. Russell Wilson transcends football. He is living proof that sports can be a valuable and even vital distillation of what we want to achieve and experience in life.

When the Seahawks plane landed in Boeing Field at dawn the morning after the Falcons game, Wilson tweeted, “Best feeling in the world seeing all the #12thman at the airport! Wow I love this team and this amazing city. #GoHawks.” The power of positive thinking in the face of defeat. The cult of Russell Wilson is growing fast, and there is little doubt that he will inevitably achieve his biggest goal.

All Hail King FIFA

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life Sports

Dec 30, 2012


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It’s the 88th minute, and Tottenham trails Arsenal 2-1. Tottenham’s players are spent, emotionally and physically, but confident that they will equalize. If they can just get the ball to Gareth Bale.

Bale waits patiently on the sideline for his teammates to work the ball around to his sector of the pitch. He gathers the ball at midfield, finagles his way around the initial defender, and BOOM – he is bolting down the left flank, in the clear with a head of steam. He swiftly enters the 18-yard box, cuts back, and aims a shot at the far post. The ball curls around the goalkeeper’s outstretched fingers and ripples the side netting. Butter.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” It is 2:30AM, and people are sleeping just on the other side of this dorm’s paper-thin walls, but Samir does not hold back his cry of anguish. He moans again, and presses his controller against his forehead as Bale runs to the corner flag with a triumphant fist in the air. He had done it. Well, I had done it. I had tied up this game of FIFA 12 in its waning moments. I had reduced Samir to a pathetic, tormented shadow of his former self. His extreme, but understandable reaction made my own physical celebration unnecessary. So I just sat there silently and basked in the glow of how cool I was.

Chill bros across the country report a similar emotional investment in FIFA 12. While the FIFA video game franchise has always been reputable, only recently has it become the premier sports game and a “standard” game on the level of Modern Warfare and Halo. In late 2009, FIFA 10 sold 1.7 million copies worldwide in its first week. The next year, FIFA 11 sold 2.6 million copies in its first week. The year after that, FIFA 12 sold 3.2 million copies. The global success of FIFA is unsurprising. I am interested in its apparent stranglehold on American males age 15-24.

I attribute much of FIFA‘s rise in America to the 2010 World Cup, hosted by South Africa. The 2006 World Cup was hosted by Germany. Nobody gives a shit about Germany. South Africa, on the other hand, was chic. With the abolition of apartheid, it had (seemingly) emerged from the shadows of its dark history, and thus had ripened to endear itself to the (white) American mainstream. Before the 2010 World Cup, the only South Africans commonly known to Americans were Nelson Mandela, and Matt Damon in Invictus, and the dude who wrote Kaffir Boy. Now, we were able to blow awesome vuvuzelas and cheer on South Africa, the country and its soccer team, lovable underdogs both.

Landon Donovan’s eleventh hour goal against Algeria to send the US into the knockout round was too much for Americans. We ate it up. After slogging through the first 99% of group play, the hometown squad’s clutch goal seemed to validate American soccer in its entirety, and we welcomed our boys home with open arms that summer of 2010. We even let EDM in too. Just as importantly, in that magical month we had become fond of various international stars, and we were determined to follow them as they returned to their clubs in the fall.

After the World Cup, most American soccer fans adopted Manchester City as their favorite European side. Yet the season is long, and it is difficult to keep tabs on a team playing a few thousand miles away. Since the World Cup, American soccer fans have done four things to stay current on the state of soccer: watch El Clasico (Real Madrid-Barcelona), watch the Champions League final, watch individual highlight reels on YouTube, and play FIFA.

Watching El Clasico is a guaranteed home run; always a high-level of play, and afterwards everyone gets to jock Messi and talk excessive shit about Cristiano Ronaldo. Watching the Champions League final allows us to properly assess the hierarchy of soccer clubs in Europe. It also allows us an opportunity to reminisce about watching Liverpool’s epic comeback against AC Milan in the 2005 final, when in reality we just watched the highlights on YouTube.

Indeed, YouTube is a vital resource for the contemporary American soccer fan, especially when used in tandem with FIFA. For example, I first that knew Gareth Bale was awesome after watching this video (bonus: he slangs dick at 1:40. maximize the screen for full effect). As an owner of both FIFA 11 and FIFA 12, I am able to confirm Bale’s improvement over the course of a year; in 11, he was rated an 81, and and in 12, he was rated an 86. Conversely, Inter Milan’s Diego Milito was rated an 86 in 11, but only an 81 in 12. Clearly, the ratings people had been influenced by the pair of goals he scored in the 2010 Champion League final. Between two congruent editions of FIFA, I not only feel attuned to the state of the game, but I get to participate in its virtual counterpart.

If FIFA‘s usefulness as an annual gauge of global soccer since the World Cup isn’t enough, the gameplay itself has gotten unreal. The sport of soccer is about fluidity and organic movement, unlike the punctuated equilibrium and tactics that characterize football. Improvements in video game engineering, seen in graphics and physics engines, have taken FIFA to the next level and left Madden in the dust. Vastly improved realism in the more recent FIFA games has created an arena in which we dictate the movements of players of varying styles and skills. Unlike with Madden, which uses predesigned plays, the FIFA player is given creative agency, and thus takes greater ownership of the course of each game.

Us Americans can’t be European hooligans, because we have to apportion out our hooliganism across football, basketball, soccer, and to some lesser extent, baseball. FIFA does us a joyous service in bringing our raging, drunken inner soccer hooligan to life. I find great solace in the fact that future FIFA games will only get better, that I will always be able to take over games with Gareth Bale, and that Samir can brighten my day by uttering a single world with an upward inflection at the end: “FIFA?”

The End is Here

by

Andrew Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life

Dec 21, 2012


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Death approaches. That much is certain. The idea, it seems, is to cram as much in before the bastard gets to you. Of course, there are more things to know than you possibly can; of course, there are more places to go than you ever possibly will; of course, there are more people to meet, and books to read, and paintings to ironically ponder, and rides to ride than life’s brevity will allow for. There is not much time. The end is nye. Today B’ak’tun is complete; the fourth and final cycle of Mayan lore draws to a close. I have lived eighteen years, every minute spent in deep introspection. I have looked within. Found the answers. They are mine.

I suppose that now is the time we must get serious. The clock is ticking, ticking, ticking toward our demise, and the Lord’s work is yet to be done.

If you are reading this, it is probably just the beginning. Perhaps the sky has not yet fallen; perhaps the power is still on, but rest assured, the gears of renewal are turning. I can write whatever I want here; soon it will not matter.

Cynics abound. Poor fools, ignorant to what awaits them! Perhaps you are one of them. Perhaps you don’t buy this “myth,” this “delusion.” Perhaps you think it is all a fairy tale, that this world is all roses and ice cream. What is the basis of your thoughts? From what foundations have you conjured up your philosophy? Will they still remain when all else is in ruin and despair? Reflect! For your bets have been made and soon it will be too late to hedge them. It is not long before your fate, thank heavens, is out of your hands.

But for now, you have control, and in that you can take some solace. It is time to plan, prepare, take the fruitless endeavors of the past and meld them and manipulate them into a future where you’ll have a fighting chance.

Some of these failed undertakings will be less conducive to survival than others. Were these worth it? Were they rewarding per se? Time is not as abundant as it once was. It speeds you toward your doom; there is no stopping it. How do you now feel about all those lost hours spent on Sporcle and Reddit? Do the experiences give you warmth, comfort, fulfillment? Will they help you stave off imminent death?

No. Of course not. All that matters now is your gumption and willpower. The primal instincts will, after a 14,000-year respite, again be primary. When everything is down to the wire, they’re all you’ve got.

It all ends today. Your past, your future, your present. These things most personal will be lost, smoke winding through the air. Fighting, though futile, will at least give you something to do. The Mayans fought, and they fought well. Their Eagle Warriors were agile; their Plumed Archers shot arrows straight and true. They were the premier civilization in the “Age of Empires: The Conquerors” expansion pack. What conquerors they then must be, that today they no longer remain.

The conqueror conquered. A new conqueror is anointed. The great cycle. If transitivity holds, would that make us, the last, the greatest conquerors of them all?

Did we win?

It is on such matters that we must unapologetically ruminate as apocalypse, whatever form it may take, descends down upon us. Don’t doubt, don’t succumb to delusion. Accept what was handed to you and wield it like a sword. The world is ending today, and the futility of denial is vastly more potent than the futility of hanging on when little remains to hang on to.

Will yourself to hang on for as long as you can. It will soon be every man for himself; the bonds of camaraderie that you’ve worked so hard to build will fracture and crumble like the bridges and the skyscrapers that will soon be of old. Much time has passed since you began reading. The world’s end approaches. Ride into the storm. Have no regrets.

Performance Enhanced, or Performance Achieved?

by

Carver Low

Season Categories Published
MP00 Sports

Dec 14, 2012


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A winning compound?

Ever since Seahawks cornerbacks Brandon Browner and Richard Sherman’s got suspended for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy last weekend, something has been bothering me.  I think it’s the Adderall.  Yes, the drug that’s probably helping you write that last ten page essay or party your face off in celebration of finishing thesis.  That original suspension wasn’t the only of its kind.  More than a few other players have been suspended over the course of the current season and the NFL is dealing with a problem big enough for the media to write about. While most people have responded to this newest performance enhancing scandal with the usual outcries of “THIS IS AN EPIDEMIC, IT MUST BE STOPPED,” I’m only surprised this hasn’t become an issue sooner.  The problem hasn’t been confined to the NFL either.  Carlos Ruiz, starting catcher for the Phillies, has also been suspended for 25 games for Adderall use.  In the middle of the off-season.  Clearly both leagues agree that Adderall is a performance enhancing drug.  However, it doesn’t enhance performance in the traditional vein-popping, syringe-injecting, muscleman way. Adderall use is far more akin to a problem Major League Baseball had in the 70s and 80s than the one it dealt with in Barry Bonds and BALCO.

The year is 1970.  The Summer of Love has just passed and people everywhere are doing drugs.  Lots of drugs.  Pirates pitcher Dock Ellis throws a no-hitter while on LSD. The same year, Jim Bouton releases his book Ball Four.  It’s less of an expose and more of a retrospective, but a retrospective that nonetheless brought the abundant use of amphetamines in baseball to the attention of everyone.  Not that the use of various amphetamines in sports was a recent development.  Players had been using what were (and still are known) as ‘greenies’ during the baseball season since the 1920s.  Since then the chronicle of drug use in sports, particularly amphetamine use and baseball, has been well documented through suspensions, arrests, and even deaths.  Players from that era openly admit to the lack of stigma against cocaine and other amphetamines.  Players took them before, during, and after games.  Their perks sometimes turned out not to be, but the increased energy, confidence, and focus the drugs gave contributed to a general goodwill towards their use in sports.  They also got the players high, which helps.  There wasn’t a specific amphetamine prescribed for every ailment.   Players just generally did them.  Eventually the leagues began cracking down, and since then health studies, a slew of suspensions, and a general shift in the American cultural paradigm have rendered the exploitation of cocaine and illegal amphetamines non-existent in professional sports aside from the occasional anomaly.

Returning to the current era, it’s easy to see why a player would use Adderall.  It is, after all, an amphetamine in the same vein of the Greenies golden era baseball players used.  Adderall offers many of the benefits rudimentary amphetamines afforded players from the seventies, but without almost any of the detriments.  Increased focus.  Extended mental stamina.  Heightened energy. Lack of appetite.  The last one might not exactly be a benefit, but Adderall holds a trump card that even anabolic steroids never fully held – legality.

Still, the legality of Adderall hasn’t stopped the league from handing out suspensions.  Rookie New York Giants safety Will Hill, despite having a prescription for Adderall, was suspended for using the substance this October.  The Phillies’ Ruiz was caught and suspended, but in reality 1 in 10 MLB players uses Adderall legally with a medical exception.  While it’s true that NFL players can often get access to prescriptions and medications that wouldn’t be available to the average, non-multimillion dollar man, Hill’s case does illuminate the areas where the Adderall ban fails.

A pro football player’s job doesn’t stop when he leaves the football field after each game, or even each practice.  He watches film.  He studies his team’s plays. He studies the other team’s plays.  So when the league bans Adderall use, that can make each of those tasks challenging for a player who actually needs Adderall to focus.  Yes, Adderall probably helps players’ performance on the field, but it also probably helps players’ more off the field.  However, any push back along this line of argument may be a product of college life, where Adderall use without a prescription as common as walks of shame.  In that sense, the NFL’s ban on Adderall is actually more akin to its marijuana use policies than any PEDs, as it directs how a player may use his time outside of games rather than within them.

Herein lays the greatest difference between any other ‘performance enhancing drug’ and Adderall.  Other PEDs have acted as useful augmentations in specific scenarios like recovery or muscle-building, but Adderall is usually prescribed and generally understood as an everyday supplement.  Even though there are specific instances where Adderall is most effective (like studying film), the perception of Adderall is as a way to right an individual’s inefficiencies and shortcomings on a daily basis.  If steroids are a way to boost a body beyond its normal limitations, taking Adderall is a tool for to maximize everything a mind and body is already capable of.  It’s the difference between a black and white distinction of normal and abnormal growth and a question of potential.  Both heuristics have their limitations, but one is based in objective science while the other is based on the eternally-unpredictable future.

The NFL and MLB have opened a can of worms when it comes to restricting ADD and ADHD medication, and while it may take years for the results to manifest, we can learn a lot about Adderall’s place in society in the process.  When I was in elementary school, finding out someone was on ADD or ADHD medication was a reason for ridicule.  In college fifteen years later, that same kid would be the subject of more unwanted attention, although of a very different kind.  Adderall has become a ubiquitous leg-up on the competition in any facet of school, and in turn business.  NCAA restrictions on Adderall use are also far more lenient than those of the NFL, in large part because their players are (say it with me) “student-athletes.”  Everyone who plays in the NCAA doesn’t end up being a professional athlete, and neither does everyone who graduates from college end up being a CEO.  Colleges realize this.  However in life, just as in business, not everyone is on a level playing field.  Some “know the right people,” others have enough financial or cultural clout that everyone wants to know them, and the rest are left with their own ambition and talents.

It seems ironic that while professional sports work hard to remain a more level playing field than society (something sports have long been lauded for), Adderall is fast becoming the golden standard for excellence.  At least part of the reason professional sports are so against PEDs is because of the moral example it sets for kids (and parents).  So it’s really beside the point who gets suspended for Adderall, and for how long – these players aren’t all trading secrets on how best to beat the system and break the game they love.  They’re just using what they’ve learned (especially in college).  Because how long will it really be before fast tracked students are given Adderall from a young age, or drug companies begin developing designer versions of the drug a la Limitless?  These ideas may be ridiculous now, but so was the notion that a player could be suspended for Adderall as a performance enhancing drug.  Maybe the NFL, MLB, and the rest of professional sports aren’t the ones out of their depth.  Maybe it’s the rest of us.

Action Bronson: Overcooked

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Music

Nov 26, 2012


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Action Bronson Rare Chandeliers Cover

He is a morbidly obese white Albanian dude covered in tattoos, rapping about his years as a professional chef with vulgar, quasi-horrocore lyrics.  Something about Action Bronson just makes you feel uncomfortable.  Nothing about him makes any sense when compared to more conventional rap.  The only thing that harkens back to common ground is a slight stylistic similarity to Ghostface Killah.  Action Bronson built his appeal simply by being unexpected.

Over the past year and a half, Bronson exploded into the rap game as a promising up-and-comer.  Why did we enjoy listening to a fat Albanian chef rap?  He had no discernable street cred or monumental struggle – the conventional hip-hop narrative did not apply.  We kept listening because we had no idea what he might say or do next.  It was obvious that his tales were fictional – he wasn’t pulling girls or firing guns at the absurd rate his rhymes often declared.  But his lyrics still didn’t seem disingenuous – though his stories were fictional, they were interspersed with personal nuggets – lines about repping Queens as well as lines simply about food, from his life as a chef.  “Smokin’ heavy / artichokes spread over spaghetti / I flow for the green, snow and confetti”

Action Bronson’s most recent mixtape released last week, Rare Chandeliers, superficially promised the same shock value as his previous work.  The album art told us it would have everything we loved about Bronsolino – graphic violence, gratuitous sexual descriptions, weed, and a general sense of “What the fuck is going on here?”  But the tape itself comes up woefully short.  Rather than expanding his palate to include more flavorful, unique ways of making his audience squirm, Action Bronson regresses, exposing his artistic shortcomings and de-emphasizing what he does best – the unexpected.

On Rare Chandeliers, Bronson pairs with acclaimed producer The Alchemist.  The pairing seems like it should work.  Alc has the ability to make beats for any style, and Bronson’s style is one of the strangest.  But rather than working together to achieve a cohesive sound, the balance of power is tilted heavily towards Action Bronson.  In nearly every song, the beat switches for every verse, trying to match the stylistic and lyrical changes Bronson is making.  The Alchemist is seemingly trying to keep up with Action Bronson – the two seem neither cohesive nor compatible.  The Alchemist’s beats are too complex, too dope, for Bronson’s jumpy style.  This isn’t a knock on his skill.  He would simply benefit from working with stripped-down shittier beats that let him shine more – think Big L.

Action Bronson broke down his mixtape in an interview with Complex Magazine.  Describing both the tape and its namesake song he says, “At the end of the day, I’m just a fucking one of a kind, and so is Al. We’re just some rare chandeliers.”  He pinpoints the problem with the tape.  Action Bronson is too individualistic – he lacks the ability to develop cohesive, linear structure with anybody.  He is too accustomed to being the center of attention to allow The Alchemist to shine.  The dialectic between the two is non-existent.

While discussing the next song, “The Symbol,” Bronson states, “I’m trying to go with a theme here. I’m rap’s vigilante. I’m out for justice.”  In doing so, he reveals his main downfall as an artist: a complete lack of narrative ability.  If his narrative goal on Rare Chandeliers was to portray himself as a vigilante, it was an utter failure.  There’s nothing to suggest he is anything but a nutjob.  And there is nothing wrong with that – it was being a nutjob that made him successful in the first place.  Why deny the truth?

On “Eggs on the Floor,” the beat changes for each individual verse Action Bronson spits.  This song, and every other on the mixtape, could easily be subdivided into two or three different songs, each roughly 0:45 in length.  Neither and inter- or intra-song connection exists on this tape, exemplifying a lack of storytelling ability.  His stories are one-line, fictional tales – “Spin out the Beamer at the arena / bitches spot me like a Cheetah.”  The cleverness is there, but what does he say about himself in the process? Gucci Mane’s storytelling style is similar, but the sum of his one-liners is a tale about Southern trap culture.  The sum of Bronson’s individual stories is a garbled mess.  We have already heard him tell stories like this on previous tapes – this isn’t new or exciting anymore.

Even his style seems stale and replicable.  On “Modern Day Revelations” the Alchemist tries to direct him towards perhaps his closest hip-hop match: early Eminem.  The non-stop drug, violence, and sex references tie them together.  The beat drops, and it has the same basic melody and rhythm as “Guilty Conscience” from The Slim Shady LP.  But Bronson is simply not as talented as Eminem.  “Guilty Conscience” has three mini-stories tied together within a larger story.  “Modern Day Revelations” just has a series of clever lines tied together with no larger structure.  At the end of Bronson’s verse, Roc Marciano drops a verse in the exact style of Action Bronson, full of food, drugs, and uncomfortable imagery, and he does it better than Bronson.  He tells an actual story while still talking about “cracking crustaceans” and “crab dipped in the garlic.”  Roc’s verse was dope because we didn’t expect it from him – but we do already expect it from Action Bronson.

Perhaps if Rare Chandeliers was a listener’s first exposure to Action Bronson, they might derive the same uncomfortable pleasure the rest of us did when we first heard him on Bon Appetit ….. Bitch!!!!! or Dr. Lecter.  But having become accustomed to his appearance, his culinary past, and his vulgarity already, we have become desensitized to what makes Bronson unique.  The image of a morbidly obese redhead having violent sex being forced into our heads by his lyrics no longer hold the same disturbing value they once did – we have already been forced to imagine this in his previous works.  For Action Bronson to continue his ascent in the rap game, he needs to find a way to develop a compelling narrative or make his music as unexpected as it once was to us.  Otherwise, it seems that he has peaked.

The Metaphysics of a Really Big Smartphone

by

Jeremiadus

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life

Nov 18, 2012


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I bought the Samsung Galaxy Note II smartphone a few days ago. It has a 5.5 inch screen. That’s a really big screen. With a quad-core processor, 2 GB of memory, and the Jelly Bean Android operating system – along with a sophisticated pen technology to augment core touchscreen capabilities – the Galaxy Note II is probably the most advanced smartphone on the market. For technology geeks, it is the ultimate bling, aggressively massive and potent. By comparison, the Apple iPhone recedes into the shadows; feminine, shy, and demure.

I am not a big fan of tablets, probably because I like to use my computers for work, not pleasure, and tablets are really designed to consume media. Or, in the parlance of the technology and media savants, they are designed for people who want to “lean back”, not “lean forward”.

But I’ve always craved larger screens for my phones. Let’s be clear here. When it comes to smartphones, we’re not really talking about phones at all. We’re talking about small, powerful computers with woebegone phone applications shoehorned inside.  When it comes to assigning priorities for these devices, the goal of building a good phone with high-quality voice communication capabilities probably lands about 10th on the list.

Partly for that reason, when we buy a smartphone, we really care about the screen. The phone is an afterthought. In fact, you actually don’t need much of a visual interface to make a phone call. But for nearly anything else you are going to want to do with your smartphone, you will need a high-resolution touchscreen.

In the past year or two, we have begun to witness a screen size arms race. Where 3.5” used to be the standard, set by Apple – and Blackberry, with its built-in physical keyboard, could get by with an even smaller screen size – beginning in 2011, Android manufacturers began pumping out phones with 4” screens, then 4.5” screens, then – with the Samsung Galaxy S III – a 4.8” screen. In that context, the arrival of the Galaxy Note II with a 5.5” screen was all but inevitable.

Let’s itemize the advantages of a larger screen and then cut to the heart of the matter – what is the displacement factor of a large screen versus a smaller screen? In other words, what does the phone displace, not just in your pocket, but in your life?

Touch screens replaced phones with keyboards because they enlarged the display opportunity. This presented phone manufacturers with numerous feature options, ranging from web access to email to text messaging to music players to social media to maps and navigation, and ultimately to the tsunami of smartphone-tuned software applications available via the Apple App Store and the Google Play Store.

The problem phone manufacturers faced, however, was that most of the features underwhelmed people when they had to squint at a 3” or 3.5” screen to use them. Usability suffered, too. Small buttons and keyboards, and the design shortcuts required to make them work in a Lilliputian screen environment, ultimately left phone purchasers holding nothing  but … a phone (albeit an increasingly lousy one).

The success of the iPad really resulted from this failure of the smartphone to fulfill its promise. The major issue was screen size. Once Apple nailed the design elements, and created a beautiful user experience, the larger screen sealed the deal because it allowed the full range of feature options to work as they were supposed to. The only problem that remained was portability. Apple provided wireless access for the iPad, but the 10” form factor made it cumbersome to tote around. And you still needed your phone.

Ahh, your phone. The intoxicating early success of the iPad placed in bolder relief the inadequacies of the smartphone. Only at that point did smartphone screen sizes and screen resolutions began to grow. And so now we have the Galaxy Note II, which is only a half inch smaller than the Kindle, and which is essentially a small tablet with a phone (and a pen). Typing still takes forever, but typing is no joy even on a full-sized tablet. And the predictive word options that display when I am typing on the Galaxy Note anticipate with uncanny accuracy what I actually do want to write. No one will use my smartphone to write a novel. But concept of the Galaxy Note is still fantastic.

And what makes it fantastic? It solves the conundrum of mobile technology; it combines  portability with usability. The Galaxy Note II is slender. It slides right into my front pocket. But the screen is large enough that I can watch Netflix (last night, Trailer Park Boys), easily read email, surf the web, jot notes, and read books and documents. I am less interested in leaning back than leaning forward. I truly wish I could more easily type on my phone – perfection would be the ability to actually write my novel on it. But there is no other phone that comes this close to delivering a tablet experience. If not for the metaphysics of the really big phone, I would call my possession of it a sort of Nirvana. Instead, it is a kind of hell.

The hellish metaphysics of a really big smartphone emerge from the displacement issues. My pocket is full. My heart is not. There is always this issue with visual technology. Does it kill your soul, pixel by pixel? I’m not talking about irradiating your brain. I’m referring to the particle of emptiness at the center of our being, around which our corporeal identity wraps itself and clings to because without it we have no space where we can turn back on ourselves and reflect and thereby become fully human. Without that particle of emptiness, we are dumb, and fully plantlike.

It amuses and even inspires me that so many people frame real life through their experiences watching Seinfeld, The Simpsons, The Family Guy, South Park, and Chappelle. That is the function of art, even (especially) comic art. The really big smartphone frames real life as well. Only without the comic art to offer redemptive compensation for time spent away from real life. Instead, the really big smartphone generally promotes a vacant absorption in a static or banal or simply meaningless and rote (booting, load time, buffering) screen experience. It roots us in a place where we lose access to our particle of emptiness. We vegetate.

For this reason, I am ill at ease. My really big smartphone is in my pocket. It combines portability and usability and fulfills my fantasy of a single device that can meet virtually all of my digital needs no matter where I am. But it drains my battery and makes me stupid.

Where does that leave me? With an existential dilemma. One simple way of thinking about an existential dilemma is when you can’t live with something and you can’t live without it.  Which is the case with my smartphone. How do you address an existential dilemma? With an idea that transcends the conundrum and allows you to resolve it. These days, I am reading Kierkegaard, who is mostly known for sticking it to Hegel. But Kierkegaard is also known for his pursuit of what one might call “the big idea”, the animating principle and goal around which one can organize one’s life, “the idea for which I can live and die.”

Kierkegaard speaks to me because he gets the concept of the empty particle at the center of our being that we must, at all costs, preserve. The really big smartphone obliterates that particle because, like much new technology, it seduces us.  Our interactions with the smartphone acquire mystical, totemic significance. The phone becomes a fetish, which is to say an end in itself that dislocates us.

Kierkegaard reminds us that the really big smartphone – as fantastic as it may be – is nothing on its own. It is merely a tool – a beautiful hunk of plastic, glass, and silicon – that we can use to pursue the big idea. It is not the big idea itself. This awareness restores us to sanity and makes us smart again.

Scumbag or Satirical Genius? The Mystery of Patrice Wilson

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Season Categories Published
MP00 Music

Nov 14, 2012


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When Rebecca Black’s now-infamous Friday was released in March of 2011, it unleashed a massive, unprecedented torrent of electronic hatred upon Black, then just a fresh-faced 13 years old. It took two weeks for Friday to become the most disliked Youtube video of all time–usurping Justin Bieber’s Baby for that dubious honor.

When the original video was removed from Youtube in June 2011, it had amassed 165 million views. It has since reappeared, and continues to receive a full spectrum of comment gold: from the sympathetic (“common [sic] she’s so sweet!!! <3”) to the simplistic (“Boy this does suck”) to the melodramatic (“Congratulations your [sic] next to Hitler in my Most hated person ever!!!!!!!”).

It didn’t take long for the Internet pundits (generally, a disparate group from the Youtube commenters) to transfer their hatred up the chain towards Ark Music Factory, the production company responsible for Friday and the brainchild of one Patrice Wilson. For a few thousand dollars, parents could have Wilson and the team at Ark co-write and produce a song and music video for their poptart-lusting pubescent.

Wilson was playing off innocent kids’ musical fantasies for a quick buck, the pundits said. It was a devious and exploitative scheme.

Last week, Wilson returned to notoriety with the drop of Nicole Westbrook’s It’s Thanksgiving on his Youtube channel. In the days since the song’s release, it has been viewed nearly six million times, received over 80,000 dislikes, and sparked a fresh round of criticism about Wilson: that he’s a leech, a crook, a scab on humanity for bringing such a musical abomination into the world.

Bullshit.

Wilson isn’t delusional about his work or malevolent towards the wannabe-starlets that employ his services–rather, he’s an artist of satire, mocking mass culture on an epic scale and occupying the tenuous oasis of parody where reality is ambiguous: no one is quite sure how serious Wilson is.

The “patomuzic” Youtube channel is a mausoleum of clichéd music video tropes. Glittery teenage girls squeal autotuned lyrics over chord progressions perfected by the Beach Boys played on bastardizations of synths made ubiquitous by Bieber and his pop posse; every Youtube feedback bar is a green stub with a long, red, negative tail. There are no illusions harbored here. Ark Music Factory does exactly what the name implies: converts the factory model of mass-production to the industry of lousy Youtube pop stars.

It’s an incredible sight–a stunning, disruptive critique of a musical culture based upon views and virality; where soul and chops are far less important than video aesthetic, artificial production perfection, and social media promotion. Watching more than a few videos consecutively on Wilson’s channel will make you sick–not just from the cookie-cutter atrocity, but also from how closely patomuzic emulates the Bieber image as a whole. The girls are younger and more awkward, the production is infinitely more plastic–but the pop aura is identical.

I’ve already mentioned Bieber several times, and that’s no coincidence. Bieber is the poster child for contemporary teen music culture, ubiquitous across social media, television, and magazines. And if Bieber is the prince of pop, Scooter Braun, his manager, is the king of hype. Braun is the 31-year-old marketing whiz kid who discovered Bieber in 2007 and catapulted him to fame. Braun was always precocious and ambitious–by age 20, he sat on the executive board of Jermaine Dupri’s So So Def Records, and his stock has recently risen above and beyond the dregs of lowbrow, teenybopper pop culture: this year, he’s been featured in the New Yorker and Forbes.

Braun represents the artists responsible for five out of the top 20 most viewed Youtube videos of all time. Three are Bieber songs, including number one–the aforementioned Baby, clocking in with an absurd 800 million views. Psy, the Korean rapper responsible for the number two most-viewed Gangnam Style (720 million), was picked up by Braun when his video began to go viral–a story that perfectly parallels Carly Rae Jepsen’s, whose Call Me Maybe (332 million) sits at number 18 on the Youtube charts and has inspired countless amateur video remakes by groups including the US Olympic Swim Team, the Marines, and the Miami Dolphin cheerleaders.

Wilson and Ark Music Factory exist as a farce of Braun and his Schoolboy Records. Braun’s strategy is to chase each hype wave and make it his own, using his tried and true Bieber techniques to elevate his artists to transient-iconic status. (Whether “transient-iconicism”–15 minutes of fame, on crack–leads to legitimate iconicism remains to be seen; while Bieber is certainly here to stay, Jepsen and Psy are a toss-up.) Wilson’s game is analogous. With each tragic, aspiring starlet, he applies the same tried and true overproduction methods to create a brand new, abhorrent pop song that mocks the culture it emulates. Even Wilson’s Twitter account mimics Braun’s, employing the same shameless self-promotional techniques, expressing interminable pride in his artists and channeling universally appealing themes about hard work, achieving one’s goals and enjoying life.

Wilson, like Braun, understands how to create hype. Friday and It’s Thanksgiving are indeed truly awful songs and videos. But what is most incredible is that they are awful on such a massive scale. The obvious contrast between Braun and Wilson’s respective methods of hype is also the key component in Wilson’s satirical brilliance: Braun creates positive feedback loops for his artists, while Wilson’s work thrives on hatred. Bieber has masses of “Beliebers” hypnotized by his every move and Jepsen has her song remade by stud athletes  and the President; Black gets a Hitler reaction video.

Wilson’s critique is so powerful because his music is so casually hateable. The layperson’s reaction to a Bieber video is at best thrilled elation, at worst complicit shrugging or resigned headshaking. The songs are catchy and the videos are well executed–it’s tough to argue with that. When a seven-year-old girl hikes up her T-shirt and copies all of Bieber’s dance moves, mothers are concerned; but the rest of us look the other way. When we see It’s Thanksgiving or one of Wilson’s other videos, however, we’re immediately appalled. “Is this what our culture has become?” we ask. It’s a reaction that can only be mustered by extreme disgust–a reaction that takes a Patrice Wilson-scale abomination of a music video to be triggered.

It’s a copout to decry Wilson merely for creating awful music. That’s far too simplistic. His work could be more aptly described as a new wave of avant-garde–pop art executed on a macro scale. If Bieber and Braun represent Hollywood cinema, then Wilson’s videos are the anti-Hollywood art films of Andy Warhol. Wilson takes the medium and mutilates it, just as Warhol did in films with hours of footage of people sleeping, eating, and making love.

The Warhol analogy is fitting. His prints and paintings enraged critics for their blatant commerciality and alleged betrayal of the art world, just as Wilson and his girls are despised for their bold production of atrociousness. Wilson’s business is based upon precise formulae for song, lyrics and video, while Warhol used silkscreening to replicate his work many times over. One such version of Double Elvis, a piece Warhol copied 22 times in various formats, sold this past May for $37 million. Even the name of Wilson’s Ark Music Factory can be seen as a reference to Warhol’s own “Factory”, the studio where much of his work of the 1960s and 1970s was produced.

Warhol would have loved Wilson’s videos. He once said that “when you do something exactly wrong, you always turn up something.” This concept of “exactly wrong” manifested itself in the carelessness of Warhol’s art: paintings with stray marks; fuzzy, amateurish film footage; a contribution to the BMW Art Car Project on which he is said to have spent only 23 minutes from start to finish. But a universally mocked and hated music video, viewed over 165 million times? A piece earning the title of “Most disliked video, ever?” Warhol would have been floored.

The delightful icing on Wilson’s satirical cake is that it’s impossible to tell how aware he is of the connotations of his own work. Although he channels Braun’s ruthless positivity with respect to promoting his artists, he’s certainly aware of the appalling quality of his releases and the hatred they muster from the Internet populous. He even produced a notably unfunny “official sequel to Friday” entitled Happy, which, at face value, looks like a sad, self-deprecating attempt to mollify the widespread criticism received by Black’s song.

It’s possible that Wilson is the villain Internet pundits paint him as–an exploitative businessman preying on the dreams of starry-eyed teenagers and their parents. It’s possible Wilson is, to borrow a term from an It’s Thanksgiving commenter, “trolling the Internet”–whoring for Youtube views through bad music, strictly for the hype.

It’s also possible that there’s much greater depth to Wilson’s work; that he’s acutely aware of the powerful cultural critique embedded in his hyperbolically corny, cookie-cutter tunes; that he’s making a conscious, subtle effort to rouse awareness and change in a flailing, diseased industry.

Watching a young, petite Nicole Westbrook croon her pitch-adjusted lyrics into a turkey drumstick, we’re not quite sure what to think. Do we pity Westbrook? She’s about have the ruthless eye and harsh tongue of the Internet focused on her for the next few weeks, yet surely by the fact that she’s working with Wilson, it’s what she signed up for. Do we hate Wilson?

The dolled up, shining faces of Westbrook and her co-stars parading around the screen bring another Warhol quote to mind.

“I love Los Angeles,” he once said. “I love Hollywood. They’re beautiful. Everybody’s plastic, but I love plastic. I want to be plastic.”

Maybe Patrice Wilson is a simple crook. Maybe he’s a brilliant satirist. Maybe he is caught in duality, a simultaneous desire to engage the industry and to critique it. Or maybe, Wilson’s intentions don’t really matter–his work stands on its own for interpretation, an enigmatic symbol of plastic America.

The Sage from Compton

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Music

Oct 25, 2012


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In July 2011, Kendrick Lamar’s debut album Section.80 fell from the sky, released independent of a label, exclusively online. It peaked at 13 on the Billboard Top Rap Albums, good enough for the national hip-hop consciousness to let onto its outskirts 24-year old Kendrick, the 5’6” dude from Compton who didn’t really smell like Compton, who could contort his voice to make any two words rhyme, gifted with dexterous flow and lyrical wit. Section.80 was about what it meant to be a Reagan baby, and in spite of this heaviness it maintained an air of freshness.  Kendrick emerged, albeit quietly, as a rapper who could straddle the line between style and substance, who could OWN that line, who could wax semi- intellectual and give his songs artistic meaning without sacrificing hip hop’s seductive swaggadiocio. A couple days ago, he released good kid, m.A.A.d. city on Dr. Dre’s label Aftermath, and so it is likely to catapult thoughtful Kendrick into the mainstream.

GKMC has a pretty clear central conflict: Kendrick v. Compton. It is the story of Kendrick’s late adolescence, old enough to go forth with his friends to explore and experience the world of drugs and gangs and violence in which they lived. The cover of GKMC features a picture of baby Kendrick being held by his uncle, whose fingers are curled to form an unmistakable C, for Crip. Kendrick was born a child of Compton, a place that agitates the transition from youth to adulthood, and he is both seduced by and wary of the gangbanger lifestyle. At one point he asks, “But what am I supposed to do, when the topic is red or blue?”

It’s safe to say that the dominant trait of most rappers is their bravado, and that’s what makes Kendrick Lamar different: he exists internally. He stays within himself, perhaps in part from some instinct of self-preservation, in part from some inherent quality of his personality. GKMC comes alive in Kendrick’s imagination; he reaches back to his memories like a kind of dance, shifting toward and away and around them in a way that gives you a direct feed into his mind.

The album includes 15 songs, but is effectively 11 with 4 bonus songs. Almost all of the core 11 songs are characterized by interludes that act as segues between songs, so that they are less like songs and more like ‘scenes’. The interludes can be divided into 2 types – voicemails from his parents, or dialogue from his friends – this way, you know he’s out in the world, kickin it.

The interludes irritated me when I first listened through GKMC, because they are lumped onto the end of each song rather than allocated to their own track, thus making it harder to not skip over them. But eventually realized that the interludes deepen the world Kendrick creates. They give personality and ‘humanness’ to the opposing forces of Kendrick’s parents and his friends, because you hear their actual voices. This conflict plays out externally in the interludes, but also internally, in Kendrick’s lyrics, and in the space where these two planes intersect. Sometimes the tug of war between his parents and his friends occurs within a single song, sometimes indirectly from one song to another. It is to Kendrick Lamar’s great credit that GKMC is stronger when looked at as a single piece of work than as a series of individual tracks.

The tension that drives the album is established in the opening song ‘Sherane’, in which Kendrick tells the tale of his first girlfriend; in the final verse, he drives to her house, only to be confronted by two shadowy men en route to her door — the moment his phone rings. The song cuts to an interlude, a voicemail from his mom asking for her van back. Kendrick heightens the drama by squaring off the two opposing forces in a single place in time. In contrast, the interlude ending the 2nd track puts the 3rd and 4th tracks in context. His friend yells, “K-Dot [his nickname], we got a pack of blacks and a beat CD, get your freestyles ready.” Presumably, they are about to kick it.

The next song, ‘Backstreet Freestyle’, features the sort of mindless stuff that comes off the top of a 17-year old’s dome: “Damn I got bitches, damn I got bitches, daaamn I got bitches, wifey girlfriend and mistress.” This proceeds naturally to the next song, ‘The Art of Peer Pressure’ – Kendrick’s storytelling at its finest. Kendrick’s intro is something of his own quasi-interlude. He sings, “really I’m a sober soul…really I’m a peacemaker, but I’m with the homies right now,” at which the beat takes a turn for the melancholy and he dives into the first verse, young prospective gangbangers out one night on the town. “Me and my niggas four deep in the white Toyota/ A quarter tank of gas, one pistol and orange soda/ We on the mission for bad bitches and trouble.” Throughout this unsavory adventure, Kendrick wonders if his bad deeds will suffer karmic justice. Introspection, it seems, is not a trait Kendrick has developed over time. It is something he has carried with him all his life.

Over and over again, peer pressure drives Kendrick to be more hedonistic – causing trouble, and also getting supremely fucked up. In ‘m.a.a.d. city,’ he explains his encounter with PCP-laced weed, voice tweaked to exaggerate his distress: “And they wonder why I rarely smoke now/ imagine if your first blunt had you foamin at the mouth.” In the concluding interlude, his friend chides Kendrick for “always acting all sensitive and shit”, then tells another friend to pass the bottle — a seamless segue into ‘Swimming Pools (Drank)’, the album’s first single. Kendrick externalizes the chorus — “someone said to me/ nigga why you baby sippin only 2 or 3 shots, Imma show you how to turn it up a notch” — in contrast with the second verse, in which he adopts the viewpoint and funky voice of his conscience. Clearly, Kendrick likes to kick it. But clearly kickin it in Compton is a slippery slope. Kendrick directly acknowledges this in the act of creating GKMC. Rapping is an escape from the “funk”, an alternative outlet of self-expression, and ultimately, a route to financial stability.

(Breath.)

As if GKMC’s themes weren’t weighty enough upon the listener, it takes 64 minutes to get through the 11 core songs — 5:45 per song. That is absurd. You might call it longform rap. And while GKMC has elements of Weekend-style R&B and Dre-style g-funk, it mostly reminds me of a jazz album, because of its length and also the ways Kendrick uses that length.

Jazz tends to put emphasis on the soloist rather than on the hook. Most of the hooks on GKMC take the backseat to Kendrick’s verses. The persistent interludes and the fact that a few songs are actually two songs in one track further dilute the importance of the hook. The interludes actually sort of serve as the hook for the album as a whole. It’s like how John Coltrane uses a specific melodic theme on A Love Supreme to bring unity between the four esoteric movements.

Improvising comes off the dome — there is a stream of consciousness to GKMC, both in the way the album looks back into Kendrick’s memories. Improvising is about phrasing, making shapes, variations on shapes, also shaping the entire solo and song into a single aesthetic whole. You see this in the way Kendrick uses different voices to set different moods. His main organizing principle is rhyme schemes rather than lyrics, putting him into a box and actually forcing him to stretch his imagination to find the right word and overall image. On ‘Compton’, he dubs himself “King Kendrick Lamar”, something he wouldn’t have done if it didn’t alliterate.

I don’t mean to put Kendrick in the league of Coltrane. But whereas some hip-hop invokes jazz by using jazz harmonies in beats, GKMC invokes jazz in the way it is constructed — the way it emphasizes Kendrick’s internality, the de-emphasis of hooks, the longform, and in the way his rhyme schemes function as chord progressions — giving himself parameters that in a way expands his melodic potential.

(Breath.)

If Section.80 showed Kendrick’s awareness of where he exists in time, GKMC shows his awareness of where he exists in both space and time, in the context of Los Angeles. The album reeks of LA. It features verses from the progenitors of LA hip-hop, Dr. Dre and MC Eiht. The first two big rap groups out of Compton were N.W.A., led by Dre, and Compton’s Most Wanted, led by Eiht. Both groups emerged around 1990, not long after the crack epidemic broke out. The Compton known to Kendrick was largely shaped by that influx of crack. GKMC is about the Compton of the last 25 years, the lifespan of Kendrick himself. Compton, Compton, Compton. Kendrick has trouble escaping it, and neither can the listener. A lot of rappers talk about life in the hood, but rarely do they do it with the detail and persistence of Kendrick on GKMC. He applies the constant heat and action of LA’s 12-month summer to his accounts of Compton, which seems both to him and to us as the unblinking eye.

Good kid, m.A.A.d. city is not the easiest album to listen through. It’s not very catchy, and it is easy to grow weary of the long songs and long verses and persistent interludes. This density is the album’s shortcoming, but at least it came from a conscious, artistic decision. GKMC is one of the greatest artistic achievements in hip-hop’s brief history. It establishes Kendrick Lamar as one of the most creative MCs and deepest thinkers in the game. He is emotional, but not emo like Drake in Take Care. Both are relatively internally inclined rappers, but the distinction is that Kendrick looks deep inside himself as a lens to capture the essence of Compton and the state of the black ghetto in America. Just as the chorus in GKMC’s final song croons, “Compton, Compton, ain’t no city quite like mine” — there is no rapper quite like Kendrick Lamar, who goes through life with his hoodie up.

The New Breed of Seahawk

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Sports

Oct 19, 2012


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This past Sunday, New England led the Seahawks 23-10 in the 4th quarter when Tom Brady locked eyes with dreadlocked Seattle cornerback Richard Sherman. “He looked at me like, ‘talk to me after the game,’” Sherman later said. “It’s just one of these things where I think Newton’s third law of motion applies. Every action has an equal or greater reaction.”

The Seahawks scored two late touchdowns to squeeze by the Patriots 24-23 for one of the most dramatic regular season victories in team history. Sherman took care not to do Isaac Newton right after the game.

“Me and Earl walked up to him and said, ‘We’re greater than you. We’re better than you. You’re just a man — we’re a team.’” An hour later, he tweeted the above picture, setting off an instant firestorm among the New England faithful. “Patriots fans mad lol…” said Sherman in his next tweet. “Talking bout Super Bowl rings…. What have u done lately? Oh ur 3-3 lol”

That is not a rational statement. One win does not outweigh 3 Super Bowl rings and 5 Super Bowl appearances in the Brady-Belichick era. Sherman doesn’t sound confident – he sounds arrogant.

And yet, I am delighted. Sherman has some attitude. It is significant here that he plays defense and not offense. Unlike on offense, everyone on defense plays with the singular goal of stopping the ball; to play defense, you need that strong carnal instinct. To me, this incident with Sherman shows that he possesses the type of competitive edge that’s essential to success on the defensive side of the football. If he is so happy with the Seahawks win that he talks trash to Brady after the game, then flaunts his trash-talking on Twitter, then backs up his flaunting – he is a real competitor.

Last year the Seahawks secondary anointed itself the Legion of Boom: Sherman, cornerback Brandon Browner, free safety Earl Thomas, and strong safety Kam Chancellor.  Sherman was the only member of the Legion of Boom not to receive an invitation to the 2012 Pro Bowl. Defensive backs are usually small and swift, like 5’11” Darrelle Revis. The Legion of Boom is huge. Chancellor is 6’3”/230, Sherman is 6’3”/200, and Browner is 6’4”/220. Sherman and Browner use their size best on bump-and-run and their length best to deflect balls. They aren’t the quickest, but they have a valuable counterweight in Earl Thomas, who at 5’10” uses his short legs to accelerate quickly from his position in center field; he has as much range as any safety in the league. So while these cornerbacks play an unorthodox style, their secondary is consonant as a whole.  Shit is working. Right now the Seahawks rank 5th in total defense and 3rds in scoring defense.

The Seahawks gave up 200 more yards to the Patriots than they had to any team all season. The Pats put together back to back 80-yard touchdown drives in the 1st half. But from then on, they scored only 9 points on 5 trips to the red zone. Sherman and Thomas each had a 2nd half interceptions, and the defense forced back-to-back punts with their offense down 13 points in the 4th quarter. They held Tom Brady to his lowest rating of the season.

Last night, the Seahawks lost 13-6 to the 49ers. They are 4-3. But still, this is the most exciting Seahawks season since they went 13-3 en route to the Super Bowl in 2005. Something feels different. New Nike uniforms help relieve the unsavory stank of the last 4 years (combined 23-41). The defense is young – rookie Bruce Irvin is on pace for double-digit sacks, rookie Bobby Wagner starts at middle linebacker. Starting OLB K.J. Wright is 23; Thomas is 23; Sherman is 24; Chancellor is 24; Browner is 28, but in only his second year in the league after a stint in the CFL. QB Russell Wilson is 23. Marshawn Lynch leads the league in yards after contact. It’s a youth movement…something great is in the works.

Shannon Sharpe once said,”Ray Lewis is the type of guy, if he were in a fight with a bear I wouldn’t help him, I’d pour honey on him because he likes to fight. That’s the type of guy Ray Lewis is.” Ray Lewis and Ed Reed applied the mischievous traditions they learned as Miami Hurricanes to the Baltimore Ravens, making it the most fearsome defense in the NFL for over a decade. They are animals, with no regard for human life. The Ravens D has been the Muhammad Ali of the league. But now Lewis is out for the year. The Seahawks D feels like the new Ravens. Fearless. Dickish. Brotherhood.

At the very least, they are giving the city of Seattle a sports team with a real edge, which was last seen in the Gary Payton/Shawn Kemp era in the mid-90s (Payton is still an active trash-talker on Twitter). The Mariners can’t score for shit, nor will they ever in the cavernous Safeco Field. The Sonics are gone. The Sounders are good, but the MLS is lame. It’s fun to rally around athletes who want nothing in life more than to win. If they talk excessive shit as a symptom, and if they can back up that sass, it’s even more fun. After the Tom Brady incident, Richard Sherman said, “People, they don’t look at the film. They don’t analyze anything. That’s why these analysts and commentators need to shut their mouth.”  Amazing. I’d like to thank Sherman, the Legion of Boom, and the 2012 Seattle Seahawks for restoring my faith in humanity.

Kanye’s Apotheosis

by

Frankie Pavia

Season Categories Published
MP00 Music

Sep 30, 2012


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“G.O.O.D. woulda been God, except I added more O’s”

Cruel Summer is Kanye West’s child.  The album was technically released under the name of his label, G.O.O.D. Music.  He doesn’t rap on every song.  Yet when he is not at the forefront rapping, he is lurking in the shadows, organizing and crafting the album exactly the way he wants it.  The album’s purpose isn’t to please critics – he could care less about them.  He uses the other artists on G.O.O.D. Music to create a barrier between him and the outside world, instead opting to take absolute control over what he can – his label.

The first song of the album is “To the World” featuring R. Kelly.  The chorus is simple: “Let me see you put your middle fingers up, to the world, to the world, to the world.”  There has always been a “fuck the world” edge to Kanye’s music, but he rarely lays it out in terms this clear.  He is creating a divide between him and everyone else – not just within the rap game, but in life.  To do so, he enlists R. Kelly, one of few whose exploits have been as, well, misunderstood as Kanye’s.  Kelly’s verse is funny and reflects his own middle finger to the world- “The whole world is a couch / Bitch I’m Rick James tonight” but only serves to set up West’s eventual entrance

Within fifteen seconds, Kanye begins the trend that defines Cruel Summer – equating himself to God.  “Hmm, ain’t this some shit / pulled up in the A-V-entador / and the doors rise up like praise the Lord.”  The doors are only opening for Kanye – he is the Lord in this line.  The verse continues, and he eventually concludes, “R. Kelly and the God of rap / shittin’ on you, holy crap.”  Never mind the missed opportunity to make this the greatest lyric of all time by replacing shittin’ with pissin’, Kanye establishes just what religious idol he is – the God of rap.  Not a God of rap.  Kanye sees no pantheon, no Mount Rushmore of rappers.  He sees only himself on top, everyone who isn’t his subject sitting in a pile of his divine feces.

This is not an isolated incident.  The allusions pile up through the entire album. Kanye references making something from nothing (feeding the masses), people saying “There the God go in his Murcielago” as he drives past, Moses parting the Red Sea for him, the difficulty of preaching the gospel to the slums, and more.

Kanye isn’t foolish enough to deify himself unjustly, he simply defines both God and rap in a different way.  He knows that he will never be the God of rapping.  He knows that nobody will ever be the God of rapping.  It is a title too subjective to be absolute.

The next song, “Clique” establishes that there is a group of people immune to his divine wrath – his clique.  Big Sean and Jay Z, featured on the track, represent the old and new guards of the clique.  It is perhaps the hardest song on the album.  But moreover the song establishes which members of his audience Kanye doesn’t care about.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOrLNHbEzMg]

Cruel Summer was not created for those who would listen to the album critically.  All micro-motives within it eventually tie back to Kanye establishing himself as the God.  On “Clique” he raps, “My girl a superstar all from her home movie / bow on our arrival, the un-American idols.”  He could care less that his girlfriend is most famous for a video of her having sex with another dude – he still expects people to bow before him like a God when he rolls up.

Mercy” reveals more terms of Kanye’s godliness.  The song starts with verses from Big Sean and Pu$ha T, both firing on all cylinders over a bass-driven banger beat.  Kanye is obviously going to rap next, but when he comes in, the beat morphs into a choral, church-like “ahhhh” overlain by electronic pulsations.  When his verse is done, the beat reverts back to its original form, 2 Chainz spits, and the song concludes.

We see an distinct disconnect between Kanye and the stable of rappers he features on the album.  He descends from above to rap over a beat he has no business rapping on.  Mercy should have belonged to the three trapstars, not him.  So when he does spit, the beat has to change to adapt.

Yet West is absolutely crucial to the song.  “Mercy” was the first single released off the album and was a radio hit.  If the song was just Big Sean, Pu$ha T, and 2 Chainz, it would have been viewed as an interesting collaboration. But with Kanye? It blew up.  Much of Cruel Summer is devoted to the development and popularization of rappers either signed to G.O.O.D. Music, or whose struggle he admires – 2 Chainz, Big Sean, and Pu$ha T are prime examples.  Kanye is their God.  Pu$ha admits as much on the first line of “New God Flow” – “I believe there’s a God above me.” The illusion is striking within the context of a verse about Pu$ha’s willingness to play the role of Shyne to Kanye’s Puffy.  Their success depends on Kanye and his benevolence.  All experienced a degree of success before, but know that Kanye’s push could grant them superstardom.

G.O.O.D. Music is not meant to be a rap supergroup, but a collection of talented artists who depend on Kanye.  Megagroups typically take time to stratify by talent, but Kanye’s crew begins that way.  He doesn’t want them to be another Wu Tang – he brings Ghostface and Raekwon on consecutive tracks to implicitly affirm their approval of his Kanye clan.

At the halfway point of the album, Kanye drops out, only appearing on two of the last six songs.  He instead lets his underlings shine, their God acting only as the producer behind the scenes, driving their successes by giving them beats perfectly suited for their styles.

The album concludes with a remix of Chief Keef’s “Don’t Like.”  Accomplishing this is what ultimately cements his status as God over his domain.  In taking control of Chief Keef’s destiny, Kanye transforms him from 16-year-old one-hit-wonder to potential superduperstar.  The much more talented rappers surround Chief Keef on the track, but rather than killing him, they rap in stunted chunks, mimicking Keef’s style.  They are all riding together.

Kanye begins his verse with one final comparison between himself and Jesus before piecing together a strange string of seemingly unconnected ideas.  He eventually concludes with a shoutout to his new subject, “Chief Keef, King Louie, this is Chi(cago) right? Right?

Kanye creates a system for himself in which he can be God.  For those signed to him, Kanye is omnipotent.  After Chief Keef attempted to revolt against his lord, Kanye revoked his support and Keef has gone back to being a sideshow.

Kanye has long been expected to complete the initial arc of his album releases and drop Good Ass JobCruel Summer was not an attempt to boost his status in the eyes of critics or to move up the ladder of the greatest lyricists.  His name alone dictates that expectations for any album he drops are too lofty to ever be met.  So he doesn’t try to meet them.  Why bother making Good Ass Job when people will deride it as worse than The College Dropout, Late Registration, and Graduation? Tupac famously said to Bad Boy on “Hit ‘Em Up,” “Ima let my little homies ride on yo’ bitch-made ass.” Kanye says the same thing to the critics.  He makes his album a middle finger to the world, instead preferring to rule his own sovereign kingdom and be the God of G.O.O.D. Music.

Lachow and Raz: State of the Rap Duo

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Music

Sep 17, 2012


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Big Boi’s first solo album Sir Lucious Left Foot was everything a Big Boi solo album should be: funky, stanky. But it lacked a crucial ingredient that has been proven to enhance Big Boi’s flavor: Andre 3000. Zesty…Smooth. It is the unique relationships of their styles, the transition of verses from Big Boi to Andre and Andre to Big Boi that makes Outkast Outkast. They form quite a savory blend, and the same can’t be said for Watch the Throne (two rap kings) or Clipse (two biological brothers) or Blackstar (two philosophers). If there is one blend more potent than Andre 3000 and Big Boi, it would be the partnership of a white rapper and a black rapper. It has happened before — recently, Moosh and Twist, two young bucks from Philly. And today, as Sam Lachow and Raz release 5 Good Reasons EPit happens once more.

The first collaboration between the two on YouTube was posted in January 2010, when Lachow shot the music video for Raz’s ‘The Love’. Lachow released his first album Brand New Bike in July 2011 followed by Avenue Music EP in April 2012, with Raz featured on one song in each. Raz has recently put out a couple of music videos, and the Lachow-produced Reasons appears to be his most official release to date. The question is not if this new project will advance their respective rap careers, but if together they are greater than the sum of their parts.

Sooner or later, a rapper is going to say his own name on a track, and the way he says it is an accurate measurement of his persona. For example, Lachow seems most happy when he gets to say his name. He elongates it into a sort of joyous sneer: La-chaaouww! It’s his actual name, but he savors it like its a swear word. Solomon Simone raps under the pseudonym Raz, a word he speaks as if its something sacred. His scratchy voice enunciates the ‘Ra’ and then treats the ‘Z’ as a separate syllable, whispering so that it drifts into the airspace an open-ended ‘S’.

Lachow’s delivery is slick. He has sharpened his flow over the years so that the accents of the words hit the beat at the right moment. He waxes iambic with ease on Reasons, smooth to the point that his words lack weight, so that it’s easier to listen to the rhythm of the words than the words themselves. Raz is the opposite — he digs into his lyrics. He raps with so much emotion that he is wont to veer off-beat and obstruct the flow of the song. His style is almost physical; you feel every drawn breath, and you sense his tongue morph to form the sound of each syllable. The man is raw. He’s not far away from spoken word. Lachow would never do spoken word.

43 seconds into ‘The Introduction’, at the beginning of his verse, Raz looses this low carnal growl from deep in his stomach, and you can tell that shit is about to go down. He goes on to reflect on the themes that have shaped his life: violence, drug dealing, poverty, gentrification. “My life is more epic than my rapping is/ with all this shit that’s happenin’ I can’t help but spit passionate.” 22-year old Raz has a young son. I’m not sure if there’s anything that 21-year old Lachow wants less than a son at this point of his life. He takes on the realities of his own world on the second half of the song, but his problems are petty compared to Raz’s. He drinks too much in social situations and “smoked too many fuckin’ cigs”; on another song off Reasons, he laments that his mom find’s his lyrics too raunchy. It’s hard to sympathize, but you get the sense that he’s trying to honestly assess his life, and that’s refreshing.

‘Money’ is the other deeply reflective song on Reasons, and Raz takes both verses with hardly a whiff of Lachow. A racial boundary exists between Raz and Lachow in spite of their partnership, and it is most apparent when they err towards realism — Raz’s preferred mode. Lachow simply can’t keep up. This isn’t a knock on their chemistry, which actually shines through the remainder of the EP. They trade bars in conversation on ‘Good Reasons’ and repeat each other’s lines on ‘Coyotes’ and ‘Nothing’s Gonna Change’, giving these songs a certain cohesiveness. That’s where the real power of Reasons lies — each song has a distinct aesthetic identity.

Lachow likes to tweet and rap about how’s he a producer first, rapper second, and he’s not blowing smoke. Reasons is extremely varied and nuanced for having only five songs. His greatest strength his ability to surround himself with talent and apply it in just the right places. He has muses. Juilliard trumpeter Riley Mulherkar wails something mournful behind the MCs on ‘The Introduction’, then something peppy on ‘Good Reasons’. Drops of Ariana DeBoo’s silky voice inflect the beat on ‘Coyotes’, then she croons something melancholy behind Raz on ‘Money’. B-Skeez, that hooligan from Swag Kamp, sings the triumphant chorus for ‘Nothing’s Gonna Change’. Most important is Lachow’s co-producer and childhood friend Maggie Brown. Raz is the more impressive rapper, but it definitely feels like Lachow orchestrated the project as a whole.

5 Good Reasons EP is short and sweet, and leaves us wanting more from Sam Lachow and Raz. They have a symbiotic relationship; Raz pushes Lachow to contemplate deeper subject matter, and Lachow’s production gives Raz a broader palette of sounds to work with. It helps that they seem like real friends who kick it with each other. To say their partnership transcends race is simplistic and cliche, but it’s nice to see a racial interaction that comes from a place of honest camaraderie. Lachow and Raz are a one of a kind rap duo with unique creative possibilities if they continue to make music together. If one of them puts out a solo project and it feels like something is missing, then we’ll know it was meant to be.

Music We Gave Our Children

by

Jeremiadus

Season Categories Published
MP00 Music

Sep 13, 2012


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I was born in 1957. When I was young, I lived only in the musical present. I had no choice. And it separated me from my parents, who owned an old LP record player with one speaker and about six albums. My Fair Lady. Sinatra. When it came to music, there was simply nothing for us to talk about. They listened to On the Street Where You Live and I listened to Purple Haze. And I have to wonder if the generation gap of the 1960s might have dissolved had parents and children shared music as they can today.

Now it’s 2012 and rock music is dead. What do I think of its successor? Well I actually like rap music. And one of the reasons I like rap music is that my children love rap music, and because rap is so creatively open and generous, I’ve learned a lot about all kinds of music from listening to them listen to rap. But my children don’t only listen to rap, and it also pleases me enormously that the music they turn to then is the music of the 1970s, the music I grew up with. Ask any kid who knows about music. Their fallback band is Earth Wind & Fire.

My own children like music from the 1960s. They appreciate rock. They love Hendrix, like Zeppelin, respect Dylan, enjoy the Allman Brothers, and are curious about the Grateful Dead. But both rock and rap are “hot”. Their rhythms are pounding and invasive. And when my kids don’t listen to rap, they like to chill. And when the like to chill, they listen to music from the 1970s. Especially R&B. Marvin Gaye, Earth Wind & Fire, and The Isley Brothers. Especially reggae. Bob Marley, of course, but also Toots & the Maytals, Jimmy Clif, and Third World. And also early funk banks such as Kool and the Gang , Sly and the Family Stone, The Gap Band, Parliament and Funkadelic. They’ll recognize the Average White Band (and assume they’re black, not Scottish).  They’ll recognize and relish tunes like Love on a Two Way Street.

One of the reasons my kids know these bands is rap artists have freely sampled their music. For example, the Average White Band is the 15th most sampled band in history. But the sampling begs the question – why sample this music? And the answer is not only interesting, it reflects back on my own teenage years, and my ability to connect with my children musically in ways I could not with my parents.

Let’s put some facts on the table. Almost every one of these artists from the 1970s is black, which creates continuity with the dominant racial identity of the most popular American musicians today – Kanye West, Nas, and Jay-Z. But these artists in the 1970s all operated in a space free for innovation that makes their music timeless and allows it to transcend its racial roots.

By the middle of the 1970s, Motown’s grip on black musicians had disappeared; allowing a period of creativity to emerge based on non-formulaic experimentation. This experimentation laid the foundations for the continued evolution of creative African-American musical genres based on fusion concepts well into the 21st century (consider the collaboration between Nas and Damian Marley).

At the same time, the war in Vietnam had essentially ended and with the resignation of Richard Nixon from his presidency, the cultural connection with the 1960s broke. Not only did this herald the death of rock music, which had for a decade been defined by anger and rebellion, it also created an open space in which different kinds of music could flourish. When you listen to Earth Wind & Fire or The Isley Brothers or even reggae in the 1970s, you don’t hear the thumping drums and bass of Jefferson Airplane or The Who or Cream. You hear melodic music emphasizing crooning vocals, lush horns, and rhythmic guitar.

The music of the 1970s does not communicate alienation. Even Bruce Springsteen, whose career began in the early 1970s, changed rock by building his career around performances that celebrated the music and altogether lacked the alienation or anger of the 1960s. Springsteen never used drugs. He did not die at 27.

I heard this music as a teenager when it was new and fresh, before it was sampled. I heard it on radios or on 8-track players in cars filled with friends driving down country roads on summer evenings with windows down and warm breezes washing faces wide with wonder. It was music ripe for a period, not of innocence, but of relief. We were at peace. We had hope. We could laugh.

That it is this music which my children turn to when they do not listen to contemporary music is telling. They could listen to music from other decades. But this music is still fresh. Listen to just about anything by Earth Wind & Fire (That’s the Way of the World, September, Sing a Song), The Isley Brothers (Who’s That Lady, Summer Breeze, Caravan of Love), Bob Marley (Buffalo Soldier, Jammin, No Woman No Cry), Third World (Now That We’ve Found Love), or Love on a Two-Way Street. You’ll experience great music that celebrates life and has shed the anger and confusion of the previous decade.

Music in the 1970s was also a period of invention. Funk drove musical innovation in this decade and poetry over funk and hard funk loops laid the foundations for the emergence of hip-hop in the 1980s. We could not have anticipated this evolution in the 1970s, but we clearly appreciated the ingenuity and humor of Sly & the Family Stone, Kool & the Gang, and anything involving George Clinton.

What my children appreciate – and what provides the basis for easy conversation about popular music that crosses decades – is that modern music is so freely derivative and generous in its incorporation of other music from distinct genres and other periods of time. Hip-hop is all about fusion, and fusion with music that is itself so open and innovative and eternally fresh comes naturally. So when I hear my kids playing Earth Wind & Fire, my heart opens because what they communicate to me is priceless: the feeling I share with them of being forever young.

Nate Dogg: Plight of the Pimp

by

Frankie Pavia

Season Categories Published
MP00 Music

Sep 09, 2012


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When Danny asked me to write about Nate Dogg, the gears in my brain immediately started spinning.  It’ll be easy, I thought, to write a tribute to my most beloved musician.  If only.

I thought about reactions different people had when I told them my favorite artist was Nate Dogg. West Coast folks usually at least knew who he was, but the average respondent couldn’t name one of his songs beyond “Regulate.” East Coasters asked, “You mean Snoop Dogg?” forcing me to perform incredible feats of self-restraint in not pimp-slapping them on the spot for being ignorant.

Nate Dogg is perhaps most widely recognized for being on the forefront of the G-Funk movement.  Actually, the above paragraph shows I know jack shit about the broad perception of Nate Dogg.  In any case, helping create G-Funk is how Nate Dogg really came up in the game.

The public’s first exposure to Nate was ever so appropriately via “Deeez Nuuuts” off Dr. Dre’s The Chronic in 1992.  After Dre, Snoop, and Daz Dillinger (then known as “Dat Nigga Daz”) finish rapping, Nate comes in on the outro, sings “Aaaaaaaye can’t be faaaaded, I’m a nigga from the mothafuckin… streets” four times, then shows off his incredible vocal range for eight bars, all the while repping Dre and Death Row to the fullest.  The very next song on the album features Nate on the hook, showing off a vibrato that can only be described as ghetto-opera in style.  All of the sudden, Nate Dogg was prominent in the public eye.

Soon after, in perhaps his most famous appearance, Nate costarred with Warren G in the hit “Regulate.” Costarred might be the wrong word.  Nate stole the show. Let’s examine the story arc of the song.  Warren G is whippin’ through Long Beach trying to find some female companionship for the evening.  He soon gets distracted by a dice game and decides he wants to join.  He “jumps out the ride and says what’s up” before the people in the game pull guns on him, taking his rings, Rolex, and dignity.  Warren G is, essentially, Ashy Larry from Chappelle’s Show.

Luckily for Warren G, Nate Dogg is on the scene.  He’s looking for Warren, fending off lady-folk who try to approach him, because he keeps his eyes on the prize.  Unlike Warren G.  Nate realizes he’d “best pull out his strap and lay them bustas down,” scattering Warren’s attackers, saving his bitch ass, and in the process, Regulatin’.

The rest of the story is rather simple.  Nate retraces his steps to the girls he previously ignored, picks them up, and provides a couple to Warren G before they hit the next stop, the Eastside Motel.  After a chorus break, Nate proclaims his and G-funk’s place on top of the rap game.

G-Funk was a subgenre that fit Nate perfectly, and he knew that.  During its brief (roughly 1992-1995) era of dominating West Coast hip-hop, Nate experienced what was essentially his only period of superstardom.  Mainstream eventually left G-Funk behind, Nate never departed from it.

G-Funk, “Gangsta Funk,” allowed Nate Dogg to combine the formative elements and locales of his upbringing.  His voice was developed in the gospel choirs of Mississippi, while his personality and worldview were shaped by running the streets of Long Beach with his cousin Snoop Dogg during his teenage years.  G-Funk allowed the synthesis of his distinctive musical sound and gangsta lifestyle.

His first album, G-Funk Classics, Vol. 1 & 2, was released in 1998, long after G-Funk had fallen from its perch atop hip-hop.  His second album, 2001’s Music and Me, saw slightly better sales, but did not re-vault Nate into the upper echelon of rap.

Hip-hop is distinctly regional – the first label every artist receives is their coast, city, or hometown.  Rappers then seek to rep that label, spreading the predetermined message of their locale.  At first glance, Nate Dogg’s message seems to be a simple one: “Disregard females, acquire currency” – that of a pimp.  The album cover of Music and Me agrees with this interpretation.

Woven into the majority of lyrics on his own songs are tales of him tooting it and booting it when YG was still a toddler.  But on occasion, Nate reveals more to himself that just that, an unexpected depth of character explaining his ability to make a commitment to a single woman.  On “Scared of Love,” he croons, “When they asked me why I don’t like love / Or why I don’t have a lady / Maybe it’s because I know / As soon as I tell her how I feel about her / As soon as I act like I love her, she’s gone”

While the expression of interest by the female is often the reason Nate ceases contact with that individual, he has undergone the same experience himself.  We see a similar instance on “Never Leave Me Alone,” Nate telling us, “They tell me that temptation / Ooh, is very hard to resist / You tell me that you want me / I tried to hide my feelings, D-O-G’s ain’t supposed to feel like this”

The true Nate Dogg is hard to identify.  Is he a real P-I-M-P, as he proclaims on the aptly named song?  Is he scared that he will never find that special someone?  The idea begins to emerge that Nate doesn’t even truly know who he is, perhaps unable to reconcile the pull of Mississippi religion with Long Beach pimpin’.  With time, his lyrics eliminate this tension.  He drifts away from sensitivity and into misogyny.  Abandoning the intricacies and difficulties of relationships and attachment, Nate instead settles in to the role of using women.  He distances himself from any potential emotional distress by establishing a disconnect between his body and mind, essentially leaving his mind behind.  Why worry about love when you can take on the persona of a pimp?

Nate Dogg was unable to find commercial success in his attempts to preach the lifestyle of Long Beach and the gospel sound of Mississippi.  In order to reach a broader audience, Nate adopted an alternative strategy – singing the hooks on other rappers’ singles, branding himself as a key ingredient in making a top song.  Again, with only eight to sixteen bars to establish his message, nothing as emotionally complex as his early work can be eluted from his verses.

Unfortunately, Nate was taken from this world too soon.  From late 2008 to his death in 2011, he was confined to bed after a series of strokes.  He was essentially unable to speak during this time, his incredible voice never to return.  It wasn’t until about 2006 that I truly became a Nate Dogg fanatic, along with a friend of mine.  Upon reading about how his mother was reading fan letters aloud to Nate while he attempted recovery, we vowed to write him.  We never did.

How can I, how can any middle-class white kid relate to hip-hop the way we do? Why did Nate Dogg’s music touch me in such a profound way?  Why does it continue to do so?  Every teenager and young adult is scrapping through life, dealing with pain, pleasure, acceptance, and rejection, trying to find out who they really are.  We see Nate Dogg take on this same experience, and, rather than fighting it, taking the flight response we all so desperately want to fall back upon.  Why cope with the hardships of searching for love and companionship when Nate Dogg can forget all about it, sing, engage in only physical relationships, pimp, and hey-ey-ey-ey-ey, smoke weed every day?

Does Nate Dogg take the easy way out by doing this? I don’t think so.  He simply takes the Epicurean view of the world, seeing pleasure as the absence of pain.  Did he follow this philosophy in life? Not so much.  It appears that he was a pretty jealous guy.  Adopting his musical persona, Nate Dogg realized that he could distance himself from everything that could potentially harm his soul, so he did.  His greater purpose in life was to bring happiness to those who listened to his music, realizing that choruses on others’ hits were the perfect medium to accomplish that.  He escaped from his problems by singing.  Along the way, he happened to unearth one of the great philosophical truths of the past two decades: Pimpin’ can, in fact, be easy.

Music in the New World: USA v Brasil

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Music Travel

Sep 03, 2012


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“Foreigner’s love us for our jazz” – Kurt Vonnegut

When Noam Chomsky spoke at Williams last year, he said that “America is the world leader in terrorism according to its own definition of the term.” I buy that. In the 20th century, our country has wrought death and despair upon many countries around the globe, and they look back at us through resentful eyes. But for all our faults. we have given these people something that they fully accept into their hearts: our music. Even for Alexander de Tocqueville in the 1830s, America seemed destined for greatness. And while our foreign policy has frequently erred off its due course, our cultural hegemony is the purest argument for the endurance of American exceptionalism.

In order to better understand the nature of the music of the United States, I wanted to travel to a country with similar historical circumstances: Brazil. Like America, Brazil was a New World state with immense wealth of natural resources and access to cheap labor from West Africa. Slavery was so integral to these economic systems that it wasn’t abolished until 1863 in America and 1888 in Brazil. The two nations entered a new era of racial interaction around the same time. The rhythmic traditions of West Africa preserved by slaves mingled with the orchestral traditions of Europe; the instruments, dance steps, and musical vocabulary of two “older” continents — Africa and Europe — coalesced to create new forms of music that would serve as outlets for lower-class black people of two “new” continents. In Brazil, choro and samba. In America, blues and jazz.

What did I care about any of this? Clarence Acox, my high school jazz band director, called the blues ‘indigenous North American folk music’. He was a black man from the 9th Ward of New Orleans, and we were a bunch of nerdy white kids. Such was the nature of Garfield High School, where white kids were bussed into the heart of Seattle’s blackest neighborhood. This eclectic mixture gave Garfield an electric charge, and us young white boys were proud to play our part. Race and music are two essential components of my identity, and my time at Garfield taught me that great things can happen when two cultures mix.

So the purpose of my study was to compare the brother musical traditions of America and Brazil, birthed by the same continental parents, yet different in character. Because of the historical parallels between the two countries, one cannot separate their respective musical identities from their cultural and racial contexts. My trip to Rio de Janeiro, Salvador, Recife, and Natal granted me insight into the social foundations for Brazilian music. Perhaps more importantly, it shed perspective on the special ability of American music to transcend cultural boundaries and profoundly influence a country like Brazil that derives a particular identity from its unique language, unique geography, unique history, unique racial mixing, and unique music. I aimed to understand the nature of Brazil, and I yearned to develop a sense of patriotism and feeling for my country that had done nothing but neglect its duties as a global leader during my time on Earth.

My itinerary was admittedly sparse. I was determined to keep things open-ended because I conflated scheduling with tourism. I didn’t want to commodify my experience — I wanted it to come naturally. I craved organic authenticity, to the point that it undermined itself and became its own commodity. On some level, I treated Brazil like a famous painting, something I wanted to see just to have seen it. I severely underestimated the power of the language barrier, and the ability of music to overcome it. I studied some Portuguese prior to the trip online, and took classes three hours a day for a month while in Rio, but it was not until the end of my 8-week trip that I was able to understand what people said. I was naive to think that we all live in a global community, that our essential humanness that we share is enough to make valuable connections. It’s not.

I had helpful contacts who pointed me in the right direction, and I made a few good friends with whom I shared a few good times, but no one to whom I could fully relate my predicament. With few plans and without local savvy, I walked around to avoid inertia and orient myself. These wanderings debunked the faint image in my head of Brazil as an escapist fantasyland. Sometimes things got interesting. Once, when wandering near a favela, a crusty old black man spit on me. Cool! I thought. Authentic racial resentment! Once, I took the wrong bus, ended up winding through third-world Salvador, hopped on a random bus, ended up at some dilapidated bus station, and ended up getting robbed by three guys of my wallet, but more importantly my best friends in Brazil — my backpack and my pocket dictionary. I spent hours sitting in the police station waiting to be helped, wallowing in despair and anger with my head in my hands. A few cops ended up taking me out for drinks and even let me hold their gun. At the end of the day, I couldn’t help but think about it all. Cool, the world of authentic Brazilian crime!

The best way to absorb Brazilian culture was often to engage in quotidian day-to-day activities. I walked. I went to the market, my friend’s family’s party, his church (there was a soup festival after the service). For my first week in Rio, before I moved to a better-located area, I spent two hours each way commuting to language school — bus, ferry, subway.  My TV in Salvador had about 7 channels that nicely sum up Brazilian priorities: three network channels, two evangelical channels, and two music performance channels. I fried my computer with a double dose of voltage my first day in Brazil, which in retrospect was probably a good thing. The internet cafe became my only sanctuary, a place where I could put on a pair of headphones and revert to the comforts of Facebook and ESPN.com.

I hung out around capoeira street performances. Capoeira is a blend of martial arts and dance descended from slaves who attempted to fend off several captors at once, using high kicks with their hands tied behind their backs. These performances were geared towards tourist, but I watched them thinking about what my language school friend Daniel from South Carolina had told me. “These days, you’re either in your own space or you’re having casual sex with somebody,” he said. “With capoeira, there’s a moderate level of intimacy that’s hard to find in life. You strike a physical and spiritual balance with your partner.”

This moderate intimacy is everywhere in Brazil. People have smaller personal bubbles. Men err on the side of homophobia — at least 5 guys asked me if I was a ‘Bambi’ directly after asking what my name was — but touching the man to whom you are speaking is normal. Dancing is simply more fundamental to Brazilians than it is to Americans. I saw an old couple get up at their table in a restaurant and start dancing. I saw a female contestant on a game show dance upon request for about 45 seconds. She was seductive, but not sexual. Once when lost, I happened upon a random apartment and saw a woman dancing as if possessed in the middle of a drum circle. Brazilians have a predilection to casual offer up a small token of personal expression. I suspect that Brazil’s racial mixing has caused for greater absorption of the “African” cultural characteristics – drums and dancing.

The most efficient way to jump in Brazil was to go out to performances. Lapa, Rio de Janeiro’s big nightlife district, held a smorgasbord of musical performances. At 10pm every Friday, a drumline would come out onto the street and play for an hour to promote a hip-hop show at 11pm. 50 yards down the road, a single man valiantly fought battled to win over their audience with a 90-minute drum kit solo. Another 50 yards down the road, under the white aqueduct that marked the entrance to Lapa, a group of old men played samba in a circle. The row of bars and music venues had samba, choro, forro, jazz, and bossa nova, but it was more exciting (and affordable) to soak up the ambience out on the street.

I developed a theory that the one of the biggest influences on Brazilian culture is the weather. I was around for their winter, and not once did the temperature dip below 60 Fahrenheit. Brazilians are sensitive to weather changes; if it was cloudy in the morning, I learned to expect a sea of umbrellas all day. Parties and performances go later into the night, and are outside. At Lapa, I wouldn’t get home til 4 or 5am. That would never happen in the US. Attitudes towards time are relaxed. People don’t wear suits because its hot – business casual can be formal attire.

Futbol is huge, and the weather plays a part in this. Seattle grows a disproportionate amount of basketball talent, but not very much football talent. This is because it rains all the time, so people play sports in the gym. What countries are best at hockey? Canada, Sweden, Russia. The crux of Brazilian socializing is the boteco – an open-faced bar with tables that spill out onto the sidewalk and street. Once I was on my way to get dinner and watch a soccer game, and walked by a boteco with a large group playing and singing samba de mesa – table samba. Two hours later on my way home, they were still going at it. The weather influences instrumentation; good weather reduces the need for piano and drum kit, indoor instruments capable of performing multiple jobs at once. The guitar and its variants are reign supreme — there is the standard six=string guitar (violao), a 5-string (viola), and ukelele-like 4-string cavaquinho. Accordians, portable pianos at heart, are more common. At a typical samba circle, several people play percussion, one guy plays guitar, one guy plays cavaquinho, and everybody sings. Not in the harmony of the American gospel choir or barbershop quartet — they sing in unison.

I wasn’t sad to bid Brazil farewell when 8 weeks had passed. I was ecstatic. I missed napkins that weren’t plastic. I missed ketchup that didn’t taste like congealed cough medicine. Mostly, I just missed not having to tell people “fale devagar” – speak slowly. These 8 weeks had altered my perspective on America. It wasn’t just Brazil’s cultural idiosyncrasies — the tiny garbage cans, the constant use of the dorky thumbs up signal. It wasn’t even their appreciation for American music — the favela with a Michael Jackson statue, the guitarist I met at church who worshipped John Mayer, the guy who rented me his bodyboard who loved Mariah Carey and R Kelly.

For three weeks in Rio, I lived next door to a Frenchman named Sebastian who had moved there with his wife six months prior. Sebastian’s occupation was street performer. He went out and crooned jazz ballads from the 30s and bossa nova tunes from the 60s. He spoke fluent English, so we hit it off and played together – bossa tunes, Ellington tunes. I was a better guitar player than he was, but had little confidence to use my singing voice. Sebastian did not. His voice was sultry and conditioned by the natural melodiousness and elegance of the French language. He told me he made twice as much money when he sang as when he did not. “People are attracted the human voice,” he said. This reminded me of the great pianist Bill Evans, who looked at a song’s lyrics when he played rather than the musical score.

One night Sebastian and I went down to the boteco for a beer. He was versed in Portuguese well enough to hold a conversation, and elicited no second glance from the waiter as he ordered an ice-cold, flavorless Antarctica. The waiter then turned to me. “Um Antarctica pra mim tambem,” I said confidently. An Antarctica for me as well. But my novice accent gave me away, and the waiter gave me a knowing smile. He rattled off a few words to Sebastian that I did not pick up, and they both chuckled. All I could do was give a thumbs up.

We left the boteco around midnight, when warm zephyrs still bathed our skin as we walked. Sebastian threw his hands outward. “My new home!”. His wife was finishing up her sociology doctorate, and she hoped to find work in Rio thereafter. In Brazil, I was most happy in moments like these, when I spent time with people who spoke English. Rio is the most spectacular city I have yet seen, with its milieu pressed dramatically up against giant walls of rock, its pristine beaches, its excitable rhythms that spill out into the street. But over and over in Rio and Brazil I labored to communicate, in this place I loved that was not my home.

Rooting for Lebron

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Sports

May 29, 2012


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If there is one thing America hates, it’s a bitch. America loves the alpha male. For example, when the Miami Heat were down 2-0 in the 2006 NBA Finals, Dwyane Wade put the team on his back and scored 40 points a game the rest of the series to give the Heat the title. That was a classic American performance.

So in 2010, when reigning league MVP Lebron James announced he would be leaving his hometown Cleveland Cavaliers to join the Heat, America gagged. The Heat were already Wade’s team. His decision confirmed the mindset behind his inclination to pass the ball at critical junctures in the 2010 playoffs, rather than shoot. After the Decision, Lebron might as well have tattooed ‘I’m a huge bitch’ on his forehead.

After Lebron announced his Decision at the end of an hour-long ESPN special filmed in Greenwich CT, he joined his new teammates for an 11-month premature title celebration. It was so, so arrogant. But America is down with arrogance. 90% of golf fans root for Tiger Woods to win that elusive major championship, including myself. His text conversations with porn stars told us that he is one of the most prolific douchebags of our time, but also that he sure as hell wasn’t a bitch. At any rate, we want him to succeed. America turned on Lebron because he joined the wrong team. If he went the Knicks, everyone would have forgotten the excessive fanfare because his new team would be his team.

There’s only one person America hates more than Lebron, and thats Justin Bieber, who is Canadian. thus making Lebron the most widely-hated American today. I know this because of the YouTube top comment system, where one person writes the comment, and everyone else gives it a thumbs up. Upvoting: the democracy of the internet. There are only two public figures who get a steady dose of shit: Bieber and Lebron, those high-profile perceived bitches. Bieber as a symbol of bad music and the female gender: Lebron for his passive tendencies in important situations, and for his receding hairline, which for anyone else would be considered below the belt. But not for Lebron.

I only became a Lebron fan after he moved to the Heat, and it was a conscious decision. Right now he is my favorite athlete, by far. He’s all I got. The Seahawks and Mariners are mediocre, and the Sonics have long since mutated into the Oklahoma City Thunder (for which I explain my consequent depression here). The relocation of the Sonics roughly coincided with Lebron’s relocation to Miami, and as the Thunder become more dominant, more chic, more distant from their past in Seattle, so my affection for Lebron grows, and now in the Eastern Conference Finals it is reaching a fever pitch. If I had the choice between a night with Kate Upton and Lebron getting a championship, I’d take Lebron in a heartbeat.

I want Lebron to succeed on a personal level. Despite all that crap he pulled in the weeks before, during, and after the Decision, he seems like an okay dude who means well, and it irks me to see an okay dude get burned so insistently. He’s like an ant under a magnifying glass on a sunny day. I like his ugly mouthguard. I like the nerdy Nation of Islam casual wear he rocks after games. I like that he organized this powerful Heat tribute to Trayvon Martin. Kobe wouldn’t have done that.

I want Lebron to succeed on a basketball level. He just put together one of the finest seasons in the history in the league, and yet it won’t mean much if he doesn’t come away with a ring. History tends to be written in terms of winners and losers, and I don’t want Lebron to be a loser.

Most importantly, I want Lebron to crush the perception that he’s a bitch. As if he didn’t seem like a big enough bitch after the whole Celtics/Decision debacle, he was passive again in the 2011 Finals, when Dirk put the Mavericks on his back to give them the title. And then he dominated this year’s All-Star Game with 36 points, including 6-8 from beyond the arc, but in the dying seconds with his team down 151-149, and Kobe (playing for the other team) telling him to “shoot the fucking ball”, he chose to pass, and his pass was intercepted. Game over. That bothered me. He couldn’t even man up in the All-Star Game.

Lebron has earned some of America’s begrudging respect back with his phenomenal regular season and the 40-18-9 he put up in a must-win playoff game at Indiana. But the animosity lingers.  Two years ago, Lebron joined the Heat because he wanted to have championships rather than earn them. This so violated America’s principles of hard work and upward mobility that it could never forgive him. America still wants Lebron to fail.

The matchup isn’t set, but the NBA Finals will surely put the Heat against the San Antonio Spurs, who have yet to lose a playoff game and haven’t lost in six weeks. Some are calling the Spurs the best team ever. On the other side, the Heat are a .500 team at best if you remove Lebron from the equation. He has been putting the Heat on his back all season and all through the first two rounds of the playoffs. The Heat’s roster is razor-thin, especially with Chris Bosh injured indefinitely, and the Spurs’ is as deep and experienced as they come.

The Spurs are going to win, barring a Herculean performance by Lebron. It will be the end of the season, and his body won’t be 100%. If the Heat somehow win the title, Lebron won’t have just earned it — he will have taken it. If he can repress his throbbing urge to pass the ball in crunchtime and just drive to the hole, and if that shot goes in, he will have succeeded as a person, a basketball player, and as an American. If it misses, at least he leaves nothing of his determination to our imagination.

5 Epic Guitar Solos

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Music

May 06, 2012


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Rocking out is universal because it’s all about unleashing the inner beast. Volume is critical; it’s more satisfying to yell ‘fuck you’ then mutter it under your breath. As such, we ought to thank the dude who invented the guitar amp for giving the world the gift of rocking out. It’s easy, all you gotta do is grab your guitar and crank up the volume. That said, the best rockers combine the power of the amp with an sensuous, artistic temperament. Here are a few such examples:

John Mayer – Gravity

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ys629ROKYtI]

For the longest time, John Mayer was content to sit back and put out cotton candy bullshit like ‘Your Body is a Wonderland’. Then out of nowhere he released ‘Try’ in 2005 and showed the world that he could rock hard, and more importantly, play blues guitar like no one since Stevie Ray Vaughan. Seriously — each solo sounds like a catalogue of Stevie Ray Vaughan licks. It sounds great, but its not authentic Mayer. Gravity is the exception. It embodies the best aspects of his two styles — his blues shreddage side and his corny sensitive chick magnet side. Here he keeps the corny lyrics to a minimum and lets his guitar do the talking for his soft side. Only then does he unleash the full wrath of the gods of rock. This solo doesn’t sound like Stevie Ray Vaughan — it sounds like John Mayer.

Bruce Springsteen – Because the Night

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DDrO6ij5Zs&feature=related]

Bruce Springsteen isn’t the best guitarist in his own band (Nils Lofgren is), and it doesn’t matter because the man is simply raw. He pours his complete soul into every syllable and every note. I have a DVD of a 2005 concert in Barcelona — within 15 minutes he is drenched in sweat. He shows you that you don’t need great technique to rock hard. He doesn’t just champion the everyman in his lyrics — he plays guitar like the everyman. He makes me wish I was from Jersey. Bruce is a fucking force of nature, and that’s the only thing that can explain how 40 years later, he is rocking harder than ever.

Guthrie Govan – Waves

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEpst3W6KD8]

Props to Samson Koelle for showing me the light that is GOVAN. For the record this solo is improvised. At first, Waves sounds a lot like that Guitar Hero song Through the Fire and Flames, but I’ve heard that that solo is actually performed on keyboard. And even if it were played on guitar, it wouldn’t hold a candle to Waves. Govan doesn’t even need a snazzy song name to do the talking for him. And as evident at the beginning of this video, you don’t want him to do the talking either. He has no stage presence. He’s the opposite of Springsteen. He isn’t a performer — he is pure, uncut guitar cocaine.

Stanley Jordan – Stairway to Heaven

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8A_IP5YB2g]

I’m not sure what Stanley Jordan is wearing, but he is playing two guitars at once. In the original Stairway to Heaven, Jimmy Page’s solo is the culmination of a 6-minute buildup, thus making the payoff that much greater. Jordan starts soloing after less than 4 minutes, and he doesn’t have the benefit of Robert Plant’s backup vocals, and he pretty much just plays the Page solo verbatim, in a jazzier, less exciting manner. But — he is playing two guitars at once.

John Legend and The Roots – I Can’t Write Left Handed

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnlgRQdfONs]

First of all, fuck Vevo. Second of all, this is probably one of the better songs ever written, and Kirk Douglas’ solo derives its dopeness from its context as much as its own merit. John Legend + The Roots + a BIll Withers song = automatic. They kill it. Literally. I doubt anyone could ever top this rendition of the song. by the time John Legend hands it off to Kirk, the song is gasping for air on the ground, all Kirk has to do is bring the hammer down to finish the job. And he brings the Hammer of Thor.

Hopefully this post has deepened your love of rocking out. If you want to share an epic solo, feel free to post it in the comments!

Currently Jockin: Dirty Loops

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Music

Apr 26, 2012


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[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjVGJ3YFDc8]

Justin Bieber’s ‘Baby’ is both the most hated and successful song in the internet era. Its music video has 729 million views on YouTube, 200 million more than the any other video on the web. Fans watch it because they can’t get enough, and haters watch it because it re-energizes their anger towards JB, kind of like jumper cables for Jason Statham in Crank 2. The weird thing about the wide variety of emotional responses to Baby is that the song itself is exceedingly simple, mediocre, and generic. It’s pretty much the lamest song ever. Paradoxically, it is that very lameness that makes it ripe to be covered by one of the most ingenious musical developments in recent memory — Dirty Loops.

In modal jazz, there is one chord rather than a series of chords. Modal jazz is stripped down such that it provides a base over which an improviser can superimpose an unlimited amount of harmonic substitutions. The one chord doesn’t change, so there is incentive for one to expand beyond its basic prescriptions and create a sense of forward harmonic movement as a series of chords might. It is open-ended music. What Dirty Loops realized is that superimposing new chords over the simple melodies and lyrics of songs like Baby is relatively easy. Most of the melodic phrases in Baby use three or less notes. But it’s not like they are moralizing kitschy pop songs by making it high art —- they synthesize jazz, funk, pop, and rock in equal parts, so that Baby retains its fundamental catchiness while being elevated to new levels of sophistication.

The men of Dirty Loops strike me as down-to-earth bros. Their black and white videos are filmed in some basement, where it seems they sit around jamming all day. Did I mention that they are Swedish? They smile a lot in their videos; you can tell they are sharing a meaningful musical experience. And they definitely are. These guys are absolutely incredible musicians. The piano player has chops for days and a killer voice. The drummer holds it down and brings the heat. And the bass player…good god. When I first watched their Baby video, I thought he was offspring of Marilyn Manson and Ash Ketchum. But after three minutes, I was convinced he was the best bass player I had ever heard. He had mastered his instrument.

The first time I heard of Dirty Loops was when they posted their cover of Baby to YouTube in December 2011. Up to that point, they had posted videos of their own versions of Circus by Britney Spears, Rude Boy by Rihanna, and Just Dance by Lady GaGa, and they had released a mixtape with covers like SexyBack by Justin Timberlake, Hot in Herre by Nelly, and Dirrty by Christina Aguilera. I wouldn’t say any of these were worse or better than their cover of Baby; everything they have put out has been straight fire. My personal favorite would be the Rude Boy cover. It incorporates the funky bass and reverb snare of Michael Jackson, the advanced harmonies and aesthetic sensibilities of McCoy Tyner, and the raw energy that makes you want to fucking rage.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9p0liJrxyyM&feature=relmfu]

At any rate, Dirty Loops videos were middling in 5-figure view counts before they posted their cover of Baby, which has scored 2.2 mil views in four months. This spike in viewership is definitely the work of the cult of Bieber. His tween romanticism is nothing more than the younger form of the carnal impulses doled out by Britney, Rihanna, and Gaga. Baby isn’t objectively better or worse than Circus as a song, but because it is so widely and deeply hated, the Dirty Loops cover comes across as some cathartic redemption of justice. And to some extent, it is. But people should relish their cover because it is outstanding and enjoyable music — because that is what Dirty Loops is doing — not just because they hate JB and everything he stands for.

Dirty Loops employs every iota of the musical spectrum, from the esoteric idioms of post-bop to the catchy hooks of the Billboard Top 100. That’s a beautiful thing. That is deep music. You can appreciate their virtuosity, or you can just sing along. Or both. I am currently jockin Dirty Loops, and I have been jockin consistently since the moment I first heard them. These guys are the real deal. They are pop. They are jazz. By combining the two forms, they place themselves in a new category altogether.

The Fruity Sensation That’s Sweeping the Nation

by

Danny Schwartz

Season Categories Published
MP00 Life

Apr 12, 2012


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In the last year I’ve thought a lot about starting a music blog, but never really did anything about it. Turning 21 a couple weeks ago seemed to have unleashed the yolo in me, because today I’m pulling the trigger. Mangoprism. The epic adventure begins today. And you are coming with me. Allow me to present to you the Mangoprism Manifesto:

1. Mangoprism will lead a long and prosperous blog life.

2. Mangoprism is a music blog, but really it will be about everything.

3. Mangoprism wants you to write for Mangoprism. Yes, you. If you aren’t some variety of snitch or bitch, and you feel compelled to write about something, and you need an outlet…hit me up. If you are having trouble making consistent posts on your own fledgling blog…hit me up. The only requirement is that reading your post must be at least as enjoyable as eating a morsel of mango, the most succulent of fruits. I will hold myself to the same standard.

Say it with me: Mango. Prism. Mangoprism. Let’s make this thang pop. If you are itching to write something — do it! (Yolo.) At best, this is a collaborative effort that pools the talents and passions of many; at worst, it will be just me posting like once a month. Follow on Facebook and Twitter for updates regarding future posts. Giddyup.